I JUST CAN'T...
I couldn't understand a thing. How could this have happened? After all these years of a secret passion, when everything seems to be fine things just have to break down.
As I lay in my bed now I can't understand what went wrong. Or even worse. I can understand.
I just couldn't do that to him. As much as this love is killing me inside right now I just couldn't ruin his life. Brian's life.
Its simple, thats why I ran away. Brian said he loved me and I believe he does. Its something we can't control... I don't have willpower to keep this love. Neither does him otherwise we wouldn't have done that.
It felt amazing. I don't know why I'm crying right now. It was one of the best moments of my life being able to hold Brian in my arms knowing he was mine! Just to know I was the one he was thinking about. Just to know I had his love and I could show him mine. I know I couldn't ask more of this life. One night. One night to tell him how I've been feeling all those years. One night to die happy knowing he feels the same.
Why am I going to let it go? Because I can't be with him, damnit! Oh, you think I don't have the balls to tell the world I'm in love with my best male friend? You are wrong! I'd do that so fast people would be dizzy, including my own family! I could tell the world about my love for Brian so quickly that magazines won't even have the time to register the story before we are both happly together. But its not that. Its not fear. I'm not afraid of loving Brian. I have been at first, but I'm not now.
Actually, I do fear. But its not for me, its for him. Living my life always like a mess it wouldn't be difficult to throw everything up in the air and go for what my heart wants. But I know Brian. I know things are different for him. Not only his family is very religious, and so is him, he is a married man. Yes, he is married. If he regrets it now? Probably. But we can't go back to the past... A marriage is one of the things that won't change only with feelings, to break down a marriage you need acts. And I know Brian loves me, but would he act in defense of this feeling?
I don't wanna get disappointed. Running this hard way with him to find out he is too scared to love me wouldn't definetly do good for me. I'd rather things to be just the way they are. I love Brian, I know he loves me... I can't ruin his life. God, I know how the man is crazy about having babies! How can I deny the right of having a family to the person I love the most in this life? Well, I just can't! Besides, I bet Leighanne won't give him up. Never! I know her too well... Brian is just out of reach for me. I can't tell him that. He'll just have figure it out on his own.
And I'm sure he will.
When I realized I could never be with Brian I had no idea it would be so damn dificult. I just wanna cry everytime I see him because I'm sure he figured out what I wanted him too! Brian didn't even asked me why I ran away like that after we made love... I guess he is just too fucking fine to talk about that again.
He talks to me as if nothing had happened, I have to do the same...
Hey, I did want him to figure this all out, I wanted Brian to see we could never be together, but I also wanted him to talk to me, to make things clear, to put an end with me, to suffer with me... I know I wanted that. I wanted Brian to move away. But I didn't know it would hurt so deep! As much as I know we should be apart my heart doesn't seem to be understanding that, because it won't stop bleeding!
I've never felt this way in my whole life... I wanna touch Brian's face, I wanna hug him, I wanna stay all night long watching TV with him... Is this love? Oh, well, I never loved someone like that. I wanna sit and stare at Brian all day long. Period.
Yeah, what is it doing to Carter? More drinking, more clubbing with AJ, more running around in circles trying to forget, trying to suffocate this love.
Now I take our CDs and every love song sounds different at my ears. I've always meant what I said in the lyrics, but never a love song has made me cry. Am I getting gay? Oh, ok, Nick. Good, at least you got yourself to laugh a little.
I'm not gay. I look at AJ standing in front of me. Do I feel attracted to him?
"Nick, you are staring at me is if I'm picking my nose!"
Ewwwwww I don't like AJ!
I don't like boys. I don't like guys. Yeah, I'm a pussy lover. Here it goes the gorgeous sister of Sarah, AJ's girlfriend, and here I am checking her out. Sure I love girls... Oh-oh. Am I bissexual? Eww this is weird.
I look around at every guy around me. Some of them are good looking but even if they were Tom Cruise I wouldn't have sex with them. Hm... I'm sure I've already said something like that to Brian. Oh, sure! He said I made no sense.
What can I do, what can I do? I look at Brian and I wanna be in his arms, I wanna look into his eyes, I wanna hear him saying he loves me. Oh, shit! Why is Brian like that? Can't he just face me and tell me he loves me and that we are gonna be together, no matter what I want he won't let me go away and I don't dare to open my mouth coz he'll shut it up with a kiss!?
Oh.. this would be so perfect...
"Nick, how are things on your planet?"
Oops. AJ is staring at me. Yeah great, Nick. You spaced off for the 10000th time today, how intersting is that?
"Sowy." - I give him puppy eyes. - "Let's go somewhere J, I'm hungry."
"Huh... and when are you not, eh?"
"Shut up!" - I laughed with him.
As time passes by I continue living in my inner hell. I can't, I just can't, ok? I love Brian... I wanna paint the ceiling with him and throw white painting on him, ok? If this isn't love...
Stop laughing, it ain't funny! Godamn... anyone ever heard that song by Brandy, Have You Ever? Well, she wrote it for me, of course. It just describes so well what I feel for Brian!
I love him so much it hurts, sometimes when I think of him I have to cry myself to sleep. In the past Brian used to hold me whenever I was sad... We slept together, if I close my eyes I can still feel his caresses on my face taking away my sorrows for being homesick. Brian kept my secrets, and know he keeps my love.
Life is no longer funny, nothing is funny if Brian isn't around. And when he is... Oh, God, when he is it just hurts even more to see him with his wife! He smiles at her, he kisses her, he holds her hand and yeah, you are right, I wanna kill her.
Life ain't fair! Yeah, I AM whining, I do whine, I do, ok?!
I'm tired. Today we are gonna have this stupid meeting to tell press about the end of the Black and Blue tour and what are we gonna do now. I never really liked meetings because I never know what to say, usually I was somewhere else in my mind and turned out by feeling embarrassed whenever a question was asked to me.
"Hey, Nick, what do you think of the remarks Daddy Joz made about you guys on the Rolling Stone magazine?" Daddy what? How the fuck am I supposed to know!? For things like that I hate meetings. I hate being close to Brian.
::::: LIAR!!!!! :::::
I luv being close to Brian... hehe.
Honestly, my head is a mess. My life is a mess and my heart... I try to keep my sanity while my heart dies in need of having Brian. Maybe this is God's punishment for me saying I'd never fall in love. I thought this would never happen to me. But guess what? It did and know I'm falling harder and harder, living my life in the memories of a night Brian said he loved me...
I gotta dress up for the meeting. I wish I could talk to someone. I wish I had someone to talk to. I'm driving myself crazy and I'm totally aware of that. How dangerous can that be, huh? Oh, well...
Thats it. I'm crying.
I can't stand it anymore! I'm breaking down, I'm falling apart, I don't wanna live, I can't! This is so cruel... I need a friend to help me go through this... I need Brian.
I couldn't concentrate on the meeting. Big deal! Kevin is eyeing me with that pissed look like saying: Get your ass back to earth, Carter!
But he has no idea how hard it is. Brian is wearing a baby blue shirt that matches with his eyes, and blue jeans... Oh, God! He is hot... Thinking all this have been mine... hehehe... Evil grin coming up, oh-oh! Not good, not at all! Nick, don't do what you can't explain to press, ok? Wipe this silly smile out a' your face!
Ok... things are fine. The meeting is almost over and now I'm the one who is pissed. Brian didn't look at me once! Oh, now I can believe he truly loves me... Fuck you Littrell! I'm here waisting my time, dropping my tears when you are happly married, doesn't giving a shit to what I feel. I'm really stupit. I'm glad we ain't together. You are not worth a dime, Brian!
God, I'm almost crying, gotta stop that! I'm not talking about a simple person, I'm talking about my best friend during all these years... Oh, ok... Now images are rushing through my mind again. I don't need this sweet memories telling me I'm wrong! I don't need to remember everytime Brian made me smile, I don't need!
Because I hate him. He didn't even look at me. Bastard.
Oh, he is smiling now... awww... gotta love that smile! GRRRR! Damn me! Oh, I'm looking at him, I can't help it. Hm...? What do I hear, are they calling my name? Oh, thank God the meeting is over.
We are now walking through hallway to the exit and even being by my side Brian didn't say a word to me. Ok, I give up. Today it starts my process of moving on. I can't love Brian. I won't die over this love.
There is this woman telling us to wait in this room. Oh, fine! They want to take pics of us. The five of us are now sat in a room waiting for what comes next.
All of sudden the same woman opens the door inviting Howie and AJ to come with her. And oh, guess what Kevin is doing? Yeah, the dickhead just has to leave the room too, leaving me alone with Brian. I don't wanna be alone with him! I'm afraid... Oh, ok. Stop it, Carter.
They leave closing the door. Brian is staring at the floor. The bastard can't even look into my eyes. God, I hate him! Why can't anyone be here saying a whole bunch of bullshit or telling jokes that ain't funny? It would be way better. Is it just me or Brian and I are into an awkward situation?
Hell with this. I'm sick and tired of my life.
Did I just hear Brian calling me? I look up and he is staring at me. He is looking into my eyes. Oh, then I guess he still knows my name, huh?
"I can't live without you."
Awwwww! Hehe... liked it?
First I wanna thank everyone that has sent me e-mails about my story, I really appreciate all kinds of comments and suggestions! Special thanks to
For your long e-mail with your thoughts! :o)
I'll begin to develop the plot now, and I hope you like it. This story will be always having Twists. :o) Hope you like them!
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