Date: Sun, 6 Oct 2002 02:11:57 -0400
From: Thack <thack98@mindspring.com>
Subject: What I Feel For You 105-108

Do not break any laws by reading this.  If you are in doubt if you are
breaking a law, stop reading.  That means if you are under age, stop now and
visit an educational site.  Any questions?  If so, please read the
disclaimer on the first installments.  Also, remember this is fiction.
(Does anyone really read this part?)

I realize my track record on posting installments is not good.  I'll offer
an apology but it's only a half-hearted on.  I've needed to focus on my
personal life and for once I'm not going to feel guilty for that.  Things
have been very bad for a long time and they are finally getting better.  I
haven't felt this good in probably 15 years.  :)

To catch everyone up:  For resons both in and out of his control, Alex
wasn't able to spend Christmas with Drew.  He had just gone into the suite
the guys were staying in.  Jeff and Drew walk into having a heated argument
when Alex gets a phone call.  Surprise, it's Lea, Drew's ex-fiance.

Hang on.  It's not a long installment but expect a surprise or two.

Thanks to my editor, Lincoln, and my best friend, Jase.  Take care and be
good,

Thack


Scene 105


"I'm sorry.  Who is this?"

"This is Lea," she said.  "Drew's."

"I know who you are," I quickly responded, knowing that it wouldn't be easy
for either of us to hear the word "fiance", even if an "ex" preceded it.

My mind was reeling.  I felt a knot in my stomach and I was certain I
looked as those I was about to cry.  I turned away from everyone,
especially Drew.  Knowing they were all staring at me, I walked towards a
door that I presumed led to a bedroom, stopping and placing my hand on the
doorknob.

"Well," she hesitated.  "Since both of us will be around Drew next week, I
thought it would be a good idea to at least talk.  I know it won't be easy
for you to see him with me."

"I don't follow."

"Didn't Drew tell you that I would be at the video shoot?"

In an instant I felt the rage fill my chest.  I took a deep breath, to try
to calm myself down.  Slowly and deliberately, I turned and looked right at
Drew.  He was standing next to Jeff with a puzzled look on his face.

"I remember now, Lea," I said, emphasizing her name.  "Of course Drew told
me you'd be at the video shoot."

Drew turned white and his jaw dropped slightly.  He closed his eyes for a
split second.  When he opened them, he knees unexpectedly buckled and he
lost his balance.  Jeff reached out and steadied him.  It was odd, as if he
lost his ability to stand up for himself.

Without a word to anyone in the room, I turned and walked into the bedroom,
closing the door behind me.  I heard angry voices behind me but I tried to
concentrate on the voice on the phone.

"Alex?  Are you still there?"

"Yeah, sorry about that."

"Since I didn't know if we'd really have a chance to talk when we meet in
LA, I wanted to call and tell you some things.  It will just make things
that much easier on both of us."  She paused.  "And on Drew."

"What do want to tell me?" I asked, suddenly very curious.

"Obviously, what happened between me and Drew hasn't been easy.  But, it's
clear that he loves you.  And, I take it you feel the same?"

"I do," I replied without thinking.  Despite the anger I felt for him, I
didn't have to think about the question.

"He told me what you've been through, Alex."

"He has?"

"Yes.  First landing in the hospital because of Jeff.  And then the cancer
and your drinking."

"Really?" I said, feeling a bit on the defensive.  I wasn't sure how I felt
about Drew telling Lea all my secrets.  Apparently my boyfriend had told
his ex-fiance everything about me.  And yet, I knew almost nothing about
her.  Drew never even admitted that they were engaged.

"Sorry," she responded.  "That didn't come out right.  I just meant that
you have been through a great deal and you deserve to be happy.  I've never
seen him happier, Alex.  That's because of you.  I still love him.  In
fact, if I could, I'd take him back in an instant.  But, that's not who he
is.  I just want you to know that I don't have any animosity toward you."

"Wow."

"Wow," she laughed nervously.  "Is that good or bad?"

"It's good," I smiled.  "That was a pretty amazing thing to say, that's
all.  I know why he thinks so highly of you, Lea."

"Thanks.  I should let you go.  I'll see you in a couple of days."

"Okay," I said.  "Thanks for the call."

I sat down on the bed and looked around the room.  I realized I was in
Drew's bedroom, simply from the three baseball caps sitting on the top of
the dresser.  I reached over and grabbed a shirt that was lying at the foot
of the bed.  I clutched it to me and took in a deep breath, hoping to smell
a faint whiff of his cologne.  Without warning the tears began to fall.

I don't know how long I was sitting there, but I suddenly realized that
Nick was standing in front of me.  Without speaking, he sat down next to
me.  He flung his arm across my shoulder and pulled me close to him.

"He's an idiot," he said quietly.

"I know," I nearly laughed.

"We've all been hounding him to tell you.  Especially Jeff."

My mind raced back over the last couple of weeks.  Obviously, all the
tension between Jeff and Drew was because of all of this.  Everything
suddenly made sense.  I gently pushed away from Nick and turned to face
him.

"That's why Jeff has been so hostile to Drew lately?"

"Yeah."

"But that's been a couple of weeks," I said.  "How long has this been going
on?"

"Since the end of September."

"Don't tell me that," I said in disbelief.  It hit me that Drew had been
lying to me for most of the time we'd been together.

"No," Nick said.  "It's not really like that."

"What is it like?" I spat back.

Nick sighed, obviously torn between defending his brother and looking out
for me.

"Do you remember when you found out you might have had cancer?"  I nodded
and he continued.  "Drew called to tell me that he was staying with you for
a couple more days and I got upset and told him he couldn't."

"You had a meeting, right?"

"Well, sort of," Nick responded.  "A couple of weeks before that I got a
call from Lea.  She wanted to settle things between her and Drew but Drew
wasn't returning her phone calls.  She asked if I could step in and get him
to talk to her.  All she wanted to do was to make sure he knew that she
understood.  I had to strong-arm Drew to do it, but I finally convinced
him.  We were supposed to meet with her that day you called."

"So obviously he met with her."

"It was about a week later."

"And now he calls her everyday?  How am I supposed to deal with that?" I
questioned.  "Do you think he wants to be with."

"No!" Nick interrupted.  "He loves you, damn it!  Don't make this a
competition between you and Lea.  You are the person he wants to be with.
Don't you know that by now?"  Nick shook his head.  "I don't get you, Alex.
He's willing to put everything on the line to be with you.  Do you know how
rare that is?  As much as I love Jessica, I can't do that for her right
now.  And, she can't do that for me.  But, my brother will move mountains
for you."

I was getting angry with Nick.  I knew he meant well, but it felt as though
he was lecturing me.

"And don't you see?" I asked.  "He's been lying to me for months.  How am I
supposed to trust him, now?"

"How has he been lying?"

"Fine!" I retreated.  "Maybe it's not lying.  But, he hasn't told me about
her.  He hasn't even told me they were engaged, Nick!"

"I know.  He's just afraid to hurt you.  But, they are friends.  They've
known each other for years, Alex.  It's just a friendship."

"If they are just friends then why didn't he tell me about her?" I
questioned.

Nick looked at me.  For once he didn't seem to have a response.  He reached
up and placed his hand on my shoulder, gently rubbing it.  I tried to stop
them, but the tears began to fall.

"I don't know," Nick whispered.

I stood up, letting the shirt that had been sitting in my lap fall to the
ground.  I walked toward the door to the living room, opening it as
silently as possible.  Justin, Jeff, and Drew were all seated on the sofa.
As I entered the room, they all stared at me.  Drew stood up, but didn't
make a move to come toward me.  I simply ignored him, quickly walking to
the door that led to the hallway.

"Alex?" Drew said softly.

"Let him go," I heard Jeff say as I shut the door to the suite.

I stopped suddenly and turned and looked back at the door.  I strained to
hear voices, but it was dead silent.  I sighed and leaned in, placing one
hand against the painted wood surface of the door.  I gently rested my head
against the door.

"What do I do now?" I said out loud.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the ring.  Holding it in my hand, I
closed my eyes.

"What do I do now?"


Scene 106


When I heard the knock at the door, my first thought was to ignore it.
But, knowing the guys, I figured they wouldn't go away unless I told them.
It had been about an hour since I had left their suite.  I had come back to
my room and lay down on my bed.  I was feeling a mixture of anger and hurt
and I wasn't sure exactly what to do.  I had thought about calling Mike,
but in the end I decided to give myself some time to process what had just
happened.

"Go away," I said as I walked to the door.

"Sorry, Alex," I heard.  "Can't do that.  Let me in."

"Are you alone?" I asked through the door when I saw Justin's face through
the peephole.

"No," he said, "but Drew's not here, if that's what you're asking."

I slowly unlocked the door and tried to smile at Justin.  He walked past me
and I saw Jeff standing behind him.  He walked in and squeezed my arm, just
above my elbow.

"I'm not in the mood," I said before either of them could speak.

"For what?" Justin asked, trying to appear surprised.

"You know," I said, getting annoyed.  "I'm not about to rehash this
disaster."

"That's fine," Justin answered.  "But, we're not leaving you alone.  You're
coming with us."

"Where?"

"Dinner," Jeff said.

"This isn't some sort of set up, is it?"

"I promise it's not," Jeff said.  "Right now I still want to strangle the
little bastard so I can guarantee we're not going anywhere near where he
will be.  And if you don't want to talk about it," he added, "that's fine
by both of us."

"Okay," I sighed, actually relieved that I wouldn't be alone to dwell on
things.  I grabbed wallet and as I put it in my pocket, I realized that's
where the ring was.  Without letting Jeff or Justin see, I pulled the ring
from my pocket and carefully hid it in one of my suitcases.  I swallowed
hard, trying to forget how hurt I was feeling at that moment.  I stopped
for a second and pulled myself together.  Then I grabbed my coat and we
left.

We hopped in a cab and went to a nearby restaurant.  I wasn't really paying
attention, so I had no clue exactly where I was.  That was unusual for me,
since I'm always trying to learn about each new city I visit.  When we got
to the restaurant, Justin went to check in.  Just as I was about to say
something to Jeff, my phone rang.  I quickly checked the display, knowing
I'd never answer a call from Drew.  What I saw surprised me a little.

"Hello?"

"Hey, hun."

"What's going on, Sharon?"

I had seen Sharon just a couple of days before.  Since we no longer worked
together at the hotel, we had had difficulties staying as close as we had
been before.  I still considered her a good friend but I think we both
recognized that we were growing apart.

"I heard you had a fight?"

"How did you hear that?" I asked in disbelief.

"Justin told me."

"Huh?"

"Well," she replied.  "All he said was that you and Drew had a fight so I
thought I'd call and check on you."

"Justin told you?" I asked again.

"Yeah, why?"

"Nothing," I said, not really sure what else to say.  "But, yes.  Drew and
I did have a fight.  It'll be fine," I lied.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."  I looked over and saw Justin motioning to Jeff and me.  "Look, I'm
going to dinner right now and our table's ready."

"That's okay," she said.  "I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Thanks.  I appreciate it.  I'll talk to you soon."

"Okay.  Bye, hun."

I hung up the phone and sat down with the guys.  As soon as the hostess
left, I turned to Justin and looked him square in the eye.

"Start explaining," I said a bit too forcefully.

"Huh?"

"I just want to know why you called Sharon," I said harshly.  "I'm fine.  I
don't need you spreading the details of my love life all across the
country.  Who else did you call?  Does Mike know about all of this, too?"

Justin looked at me with a blank look on his face.  Clearly I had
blindsided him with my little outburst.

"It's not like that," Justin quietly said.

"Then what is it like?" I responded, still irritated.

"It's not what you think," Justin offered.  "I was talking to her tonight
and she could tell I was upset about something.  I didn't plan on telling
her, but it just sort of came out.  All I did was mention that you and Drew
had an argument.  I didn't tell her anything about it.  Maybe I shouldn't
have said but I promise you, Alex, I didn't tell her any details."

"Oh," I said.  "So you didn't call her."

He shook his head.

"She called you?"

"Sure," he replied.  "You know we talk a couple of times a week, right?"

This time it was my turn to have the blank look on my face.  I never
expected Sharon and Justin to be talking to each other.

"That I did not know."

"Well, we have been.  Ever since you went into rehab, anyway.  She called
Drew to see if he had heard from you and I happened to pick up his phone.
From that day on we started talking again."

"Again?" I asked.

"Remember we went out when you were in Florida?"

"Oh," I said, suddenly a bit embarrassed.  "Sorry."

"Look," he said in a soft, steady tone.  "After the day you've had, I think
you're entitled.  I would have lost it a long time ago."

Before I could say anything the waiter came over to the table.  He
introduced himself and asked to take out drink orders.

"Just water for me," I said.

"How about a Coke," Jeff said.

"What beer do you have on tap?" Justin asked.

In an instant I felt the mood shift at the table.  I glanced over at Jeff,
who looked like he was about to launch himself over the table and hit
Justin.

"Justin!" he practically yelled.

Justin turned white as a ghost once he realized what he was doing.  His
eyes darted from Jeff to me and his mouth dropped open slightly.

"Just water," Justin said to the waiter.  "And can you give us a minute to
look at the menu?"

As soon as the waiter had left, Justin reached over and grabbed my arm.

"I'm so sorry," he pleaded.  "I forgot."

While I knew what has happening, I didn't exactly like it.  Ever since I'd
gotten out of rehab, people had been taking one of two extremes.  They
either completely avoided talking about alcohol or they made certain to
tell me that they had decided to quit drinking.  I knew everyone was only
trying to help, but it just seemed to make matters more uncomfortable.

"Let's have this talk," I sighed.  "I'm not as fragile as any of you think.
Yes, I spent a month in rehab but in that time I learned a lot about
myself.  I know what I can handle and I know how to ask for help.  If I
need it, I'll ask.  Having a drink around me is okay.  If I feel like I'm
in trouble, I'll get out of the situation."

"But," Jeff stammered, "after what happened today."

"After what happened today, I'm hurt and I'm angry," I said in an even
voice, trying to keep my composure.  "But that doesn't mean that I'm ready
to throw my life away and take a drink.  As much as I love Drew, and I
still do, I'm not ready to sacrifice everything I've fought for in the last
couple of years.  Do you understand that?"

They both slowly nodded their heads.

"If this is it," I said, hearing my own voice crack.  "If he really does
want to be with her, it's not going to destroy me.  That's why I went
through rehab on my own.  Maybe deep down I knew that what we had wasn't
meant to be."

"Don't say that," Justin jumped in.  "He wants to be with you."

"Are you sure of that?  Because I'm not."

There was a moment of dead silence at the table.  Around us I heard the
clinking of silverware and the soft music.  Across the room, a woman was
laughing.

"He's not good enough for you."

I was surprised by the statement.  It took a moment to register, but I
realized it had come from Jeff.  He said it quietly, but with a firm voice.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Justin asked.

"You know exactly what that means," Jeff responded.  "I'm sick of you and
Nick always sticking up for him.  He's been lying to Alex for months now
and I'm sick of it.  You know I think the world of Lea, but this isn't
right."

"But they're just friends," Justin said.

"Are you sure of that?  Are you 100% sure?"

Right as Jeff said it I felt my heart sink.  I had been trying not to think
about it, foolishly believing that if I didn't think about it, it couldn't
be true.  I looked directly into Jeff's eyes, which seemed to be screaming
out an apology.

"Alex, he doesn't know what he's talking about," Justin said, trying to
grab my attention.

"Have you asked him?" Jeff questioned Justin, once again turning his focus
to his friend.  Without waiting for an answer, he continued.  "Because if
you have, you'd realize he always avoids the question."

"What question?" I asked, somewhat afraid to know.

"If they've been together in the last couple of months."

"Jeff, shut up!" Justin nearly yelled.

"Why?  So you and Nick can protect him and pretend nothing is wrong?"  He
turned and looked at me.  "He doesn't deserve you."

I don't know if Jeff was expecting me to respond, but I didn't.  I suddenly
became aware of our surroundings.  The people at the next table were trying
hard to ignore us, but Jeff and Justin both had begun to shout.

"We're done," I said, trying to sound firm.

"What?" Jeff asked.

"We're done talking about this," I repeated.  "When you came to pick me up,
you both promised me that we wouldn't talk about this.  And now, look
what's happening.  I'm ready to walk out of here if this comes up again.
Before either of you say anything, I have to say that I appreciate what
you're trying to do.  But, I have no idea what's happening between me and
Drew.  And, until I do the subject is closed.  Understand?"

They both nodded.

"I'm sorry," Jeff said quietly.

"Don't apologize," I responded.  "Let's just drop it for now."

The three of us sat there for probably two minutes before anyone spoke.

"Where's the waiter," I said, more to myself than anyone else.

Dinner went by pretty quickly.  We all tried to forget the argument that
had happened.  There were times I even forgot what had happened that
afternoon.  Then, either Jeff or Justin would tell a story that somehow
involved Drew and I remembered everything.  A couple of times they
apologized for bringing up Drew's name, but I dismissed it.  He was such an
integral part of their lives; it was nearly impossible to talk about
anything important without involving him.

Although it was still a bit early, we decided to head back to the hotel
after dinner.  I was kind of run down from the stress of the day.  The guys
were going to be performing the following night on live TV, so they wanted
to at least appear rested.  Plus, the New Year's Eve parties at MTV were
notorious for being a bit crazy so there was no need to go out that night.

"You're coming to the party, right?" Justin asked as we riding the elevator
back at the hotel.

"I don't know," I sighed.  "I guess that depends on how things go between
me and Drew."

"Are you going to talk to him tonight?" Jeff asked, obviously a little
apprehensive at bringing up the subject.

"No.  I'm not ready to face all of this right now."

"Okay," he said as the elevator stopped at my floor.

As I started to leave, Jeff pulled me into a quick hug.  It made me feel a
little better.

"Call us if you need anything, Chief," Justin added.

"I will.  I promise."

I left the elevator lobby and headed down the hallway to my room.  I was
fumbling through my pockets, trying to find the key.  It wasn't until I was
about five feet away that I saw him.  He was sitting on the floor with his
back against the wall.  His knees were pulled up close to his chest.  He
looked up at me and I could tell he had been crying.

"Can we talk?" he asked in a scared voice.

Knowing that I was about to crush him, I involuntarily winced.

"No, Drew.  I can't do this."


Scene 107


"But." he stammered.

I looked down at him and merely shook my head.

"I'm not up for talking about this right now, Drew," I said as I tried to
move past him to open my door.  As I slid my keycard into the lock, he
reached out and grabbed my leg.  It struck me as a pretty desperate act.

"Please!" he pleaded.

I didn't bother to look down at him, which I knew would make him feel even
worse.  He reluctantly let go of my leg and made a move to stand up.  As I
opened the door and tried to walk into my room, I felt his hand come to
rest on my shoulder.

"Why can't we talk about this?" he almost whispered.

"You don't want me right now," I said without turning to face him.  I could
feel my heart begin to race.

"What does that mean?"

"It means you need to stay away," I shouted as I spun around.  Our eyes met
and I could see his pain.  At that moment, however, I didn't care.  All I
could think about was the possibility of him and Lea getting back together.

"I just want to explain," he sobbed.

"And I'm telling you this isn't the time," I said firmly, although no
longer shouting.  "If you push me on this one, Drew, you're not going to
like it.  I need some time because if we get into it right now I'm just
going to say something both of us are going to regret."

He looked at me with a blank expression, as if it was a revelation to him
that I needed some space.  Without words, he turned and walked down the
hallway to the elevator lobby.  I stood there, feeling numb as I watched
him turn the corner.

***

When I woke the next morning I was feeling a little better.  After my
confrontation with Drew, I called Mike.  We talked for about an hour.  When
I started explaining what had happened, I'd half expected him to attack
Drew, but he surprised me when he didn't.

"Is this much different than what happened between you and Aaron?" he had
asked.

"Of course."

"You're right," he had countered.  "You kissed him."

"But he might have been with her," I had responded.

"Have you asked him?"

"No," I said sheepishly.

I had been replaying my conversation with Mike in my head all night.
Before passing judgment on Drew, I needed to get the facts.  Only then, I
surmised, could I really make up my mind about what was going on.  I still
was extremely angry with Drew, but I wasn't ready to strangle him like I
was the night before.

At about 11:30am, I knocked on the door to the suite.  I had the guys'
schedule, so I knew they didn't need to be at the MTV Studios until about
1pm.  Down the hallway, I heard a door open and then I saw Justin's head
pop out.

"I thought I heard something," he said.  "Come on down, Alex."

I walked about twenty feet down the hall and realized Justin was in one of
the bedrooms that connected with the suite.  As I walked in, I saw that he
was in a bathrobe.  His hair was wet and I noticed through the bathroom
door that the mirror was fogged up.

"Sorry to bother you," I said, feeling a little foolish, although for no
good reason.

"You're never a bother, Chief," he said as he grabbed a towel and used it
to dry his hair.  "How are you doing today?"

"Better, I guess.  Is he here?"

"No."

I sighed, partly relieved.  I sat down and waited while Justin got dressed.
I was feeling a bit disappointed that Drew wasn't there, simply because I
wanted to get the facts.

"Drew is with his brother," Justin said as he sat down next to me on the
small couch in the bedroom.  "Drew had planned to go see one of his old
roommates this morning.  He was going to cancel because he wanted to wait
and see if you'd talk to him, but Nick made him go.  Nick said that you
needed some space."

"I did, I guess.  I do need to talk to Drew, but I'm not looking forward to
it."

"I can understand that," Justin replied.  "Look, I want to apologize for
last night."

"Please don't.  I was just kind of upset and the last thing I needed was
you and Jeff going at each other's throats."

"I know.  That's why I'm apologizing."

"But you don't have to," I said.

"Maybe not, but there is something you should know about Jeff."

"What?" I asked, suddenly curious.

"Well, he's been on Drew's case for about six weeks now about telling you.
They've gotten into some pretty intense arguments about it.  Jeff was the
first one of us to realize how much time Drew was spending with Lea."

I looked over at Justin, unable to hide my emotions.

"Sorry, Chief," he said when he saw the hurt look in my eyes.  "It's not
that they really spent time together, but they were always talking on the
phone.  Jeff didn't like it.  They argued a lot, Alex, although they tried
to hide it from me and Nick.  One time, though, I walked in on them and I
swear it looked like Drew was about to punch Jeff."

I stood up and walked over to the window.  Once or twice I had witnessed
the tension between Jeff and Drew, but I had dismissed it as the stress of
living and working with the same people everyday.  Knowing the truth made
me a bit discouraged.  The guys always seemed to be so close to each other,
and I envied that.  Just when I thought I was becoming a part of that, it
all seemed to be falling apart.  I was the reason behind that.

"Jeff is very protective of you," Justin said, interrupting my thoughts.

"Why?" I asked, only realizing how stupid it sounded after it came out.

"I don't know.  Maybe because of the way we met you.  Or, maybe because he
got you and Drew together in the first place."

"That was kind of a dumb question.  Where is Jeff, anyway?"

"I don't know," Justin shrugged.

I ended up hanging out with Justin for almost an hour.  Watching the clock,
I realized that even if Drew were to come back to the hotel, we wouldn't
have time to talk about anything before he'd have to leave to go to MTV.  I
left Justin so he could get ready and went back to my room.  Only then did
it hit me that I was going to be alone for New Year's Eve.

***

I knew that the guys were expecting me to go to the party over at MTV, but
there was no way I could do it.  Having to see Drew there was simply too
much for me to handle.  We would both have to lie and pretend that
everything was okay and I wasn't up for that challenge.  Plus, I knew there
was going to be a lot of alcohol there.

I flipped on the telecast as midnight approached.  I felt guilty about it,
but when the guys came on to perform, I had to change the channel.  The
instant I heard Drew's baritone voice I teared up.  I was still feeling
confused and angry and hearing his voice just made things worse.

As midnight approached I clicked off the TV and crawled into bed.  I tried
to pretend like it didn't matter that I was alone.  I missed being with
Drew at Christmas and now it was New Year's and I was alone again.  Just as
I pulled the covers up over my head, I heard fireworks and pandemonium from
Times Square, which were only blocks away.  Seconds later I heard my cell
phone ring.  Already knowing who it was, I reached out and placed it
against my ear.

"Hi, Drew."

"I know you're mad at me," he said above the music and noise in the
background.  "I just want to you know I love you."

"I love you, too, Drew."

Before he said another word, I hung up and closed my eyes.  I said a prayer
and tried to forget.


Scene 108


I awoke with a start, my body jolted back to consciousness from a deep
sleep.  In the pitch-blackness I struggled to remember exactly where I was.
Only then did I realize what had woken me up.

"Alright!  I heard you!" I yelled as I stumbled out of bed and made my way
to the door.

Despite my verbal acknowledgement, the pounding on my door continued.

"Alex!" I heard.

Although I had expected Drew, it was Jeff who was standing there when I
opened the door.  Actually, he was sort of leaning against the door jam.
When I opened the door, he kind of stumbled in.  I had to reach out and
steady him to keep him from falling.

"I see you've been drinking," I said sarcastically.

It took a few second for him to respond, which I found oddly comical.

"I'm sorry, Alex.  I shouldn't have come here like this."

"Don't worry about it," I yawned as I flipped on the lights.  "Seeing you
this drunk does not make me want to join you.  Come in and sit down."

It was hard to tell just how drunk Jeff was.  Although he didn't have any
trouble walking across the room to the easy chair by the window, he did
slightly lose his balance as he turned to sit down.  I was torn as to what
I should feel.  Seeing him in that condition brought up unpleasant memories
of the days when I was drinking.  But, the other side of me had to laugh at
the funny look on his face.

"What is it?" he asked when he noticed the smile on my face.

"Nothing," I laughed.  "I've just never seen you drunk, that's all."

"I'm not drunk!"

"Right!" I laughed.  "You're as drunk as I am gay."

"Don't say that," he scolded.

"Why not?  It's not exactly a secret."

"That I'm drunk or gay?" he asked.

His response caught me off guard.  Just from looking at him I couldn't tell
if he had meant to say it or not.

"Why are you here?" I question, deciding to bypass the subject.

"To wish you a Happy New Year."

"That could have waited until tomorrow morning.  Or is it tomorrow
morning?" I asked, looking at the clock and realizing it was fast
approaching 4am.  "Now, why are you really here?"

Jeff looked up at me with bright eyes.  He was grinning like a little child
whose hand was caught in the cookie jar.  It felt like he wasn't trying to
hide anything.  Although our relationship had grown to a point where we
shared things pretty freely, Jeff always was careful about divulging too
much information about himself.  He always liked to hold a little back for
himself.  That night, however, was different.  Perhaps it was the alcohol,
or maybe it was something else.

"I'm here to check on you," he confessed.

"I'm fine.  In fact, I was asleep when you banged on my door."

"Sorry," he said sheepishly.

"Don't worry about it," I replied as I tried not to yawn.  "But there's
something else you want to say.  I can tell, Jeff.  What's really going
on?"

"I don't know.  Drew and I got in another fight."

"That's hardly surprising, considering what you told me at dinner."

"It got ugly, Alex."

I sighed as I looked over at Jeff.  In a matter of minutes, his mood has
shifted completely.  Since alcohol is a depressant, I knew it wouldn't be
good for Jeff to get upset.

"We don't need to talk about his now."

"We do!" he pleaded as he stood up and took a few steps toward where I was
standing.  "I've been trying to convince Drew that he needs to tell you
what's happening.  It's not fair to you, Alex.  It's not fair to any of
us."

"Just calm down," I said, noticing that Jeff was getting a bit agitated.

"No!  You deserve better than him!  You deserve someone that will be there
for you.  I love Drew like he's my own brother, Alex.  But.he doesn't treat
you the way you deserve to be treated."

"Where is this coming from, Jeff?  Is there something you know that you're
not telling me?"

Jeff was standing only a couple of feet away.  In his eyes I saw a flash of
fear.  He looked down and without warning he reached over and grabbed my
arm.

"You deserve better than him," he whispered, still looking down.

A split second later he pulled me closer to him.  At first I expected him
to hug me, but something else happened.  Before I knew it, Jeff had his
lips pressed against mine and he was kissing me.

I was so taken by surprise it took me a couple seconds to figure out what
was happening.  As soon as I did, I gently pushed Jeff back.  I tried to be
gentle, knowing that if I pushed too hard he lose his balance.  I also
realized that strong reaction might make him feel self- conscious.

"Jeff?" I asked quietly, still not sure how he might react.  "Are you
okay?"

After about thirty seconds, he finally looked up at me.  I couldn't read
the emotion on his face.

"Alex," he said.  "I think I'm gonna hurl."

To be continued.

Hopefully I didn't shock anyone with Jeff's actions.  I'm curious to know
what people think might happen.  And, yes, I know that everyone hates the
cliffhangers.  (Well, everyone but me.  Hehehe.)  It does keep you coming
back, doesn't it?

Send feedback to: thack98@mindspring.com