Date: Tue, 22 Oct 2002 00:24:43 -0400
From: Thack <thack98@mindspring.com>
Subject: What I Feel For You 109-111

Do not break any laws by reading this.  That means if you are under age,
stop now and visit an educational site.  Any questions?  If so, please read
the disclaimer on the first installments.  Also, remember this is fiction.
I have never met any of the celebrities in the story and I have no knowledge
of their private lives.

Here we go again!  Time for another installment of "that cliffhanger story".
I swear, most of the email I get is people complaining about the
cliffhangers.  Don't you realize that the more you complain, the more
cliffhangers I'm gonna write.  Hehehe.

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Special thanks to Lincoln, my un-official editor.  And, thanks to Jase for
being Jase.  Take care and be good,

Thack


Given the circumstances, it wasn't nearly as unpleasant as I
thought it might be.  Fortunately, the bathroom in my hotel
room was pretty big.  There was plenty of room for me to sit
on the floor just behind Jeff.  I gently rubbed his back as
he threw up everything he'd eaten since Christmas.  I
sighed, remembering back to the years when I was drinking
heavily.  If there is such a thing, I was definitely a lucky
alcoholic.  By that I mean I rarely got a hangover and I
never got sick.

"Stay there," I said softly when he seemed to be finished.

I stood up and ran warm water on a washcloth.  As I handed
it to him, I realized his shirt would have to go, as he
wasn't exactly the most accurate shot.  As he wiped his
face, I had him stand up.  After I unbuttoned and removed
his shirt, I carefully placed it in one of those plastic
bags you find in hotels for dry cleaning.

"Do you think you can live without that or should I get it
cleaned?"

He made a motion with his hand to indicate it wasn't worth
the trouble.  I surveyed the contents of the bathroom and
found what I was looking for.

"Here," I said, handing him the tiny bottle of mouthwash
that was standing among the shampoo, conditioner, and hand
lotion.  "Rinse and spit."

He did as he was told.  Next, I gave him a bit of water to
drink.

"Feel any better?" I asked.

"I guess," he said, trying to smile.

"Do you think you're done?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, then let's get you in bed."

I led Jeff into the bedroom and instructed him to get
undressed.  If he was uncomfortable because of the kiss I
never would have known because he easily stripped down to
his boxers.  He crawled into bed and I tucked him in.

"Let me know if you need anything," I said.

"Thanks, Alex," he said softly.

I shut off the lights and sighed.  With only the one king
bed in the room I decided to try to get some sleep in the
easy chair.  Given the events of the night, I didn't think
it was right to share the bed.

"What the fuck do I do now?" I said out loud, nearly
laughing.

***

When I woke up I realized I was in a rather uncomfortable
situation.  After spending a good half hour trying to get
fall asleep, I finally gave up on the easy chair and moved
to the bed.  I rationalized that Jeff was probably dead to
the world and the likelihood of him doing anything further
was slim.  I also realized that he would never do anything
to make me uncomfortable and simply put, I wasn't interested
in being with him.

Sometime in the middle of the night, however, Jeff must have
discovered he was no longer alone.  Perhaps seeking some
sort of comfort, he had pulled me close to him.  He was
lying on his side and he had one arm wrapped around me.  I
was facing away from him, but I could feel his breath on the
back of my neck.  As carefully as I could, I crawled out of
bed without waking him.

He woke about two hours after I did, at about 1pm.  I was
sitting at the table working on my laptop.  By that time,
I'd already ordered room service, making absolutely certain
the room service waiter didn't come in the room and see
Jeff.  I looked over at Jeff as he yawned and sat up in bed.

"Morning," he said.

"Not really," I chuckled.  "How are you feeling?"

"My head hurts."

"It should," I laughed again.  "How much of last night do
you remember?"

After I asked the question, I realized I didn't want to know
the answer.  I knew how I felt about Jeff, but I wasn't sure
I was ready to get into an emotional discussion about it.
Plus, I had no idea where his head was at.

"Well," he began.  "Not much.  I remember there was some
woman hanging all over me and I wasn't interested.  Carson
picked up on it and rescued me.  We ended up doing tequila
shots for quite awhile.  That was probably about 1am.  Then
at some point I was on stage singing a reggae version of
'Because of You.'  And the fight with Drew."

"Anything else?"

"You mean how I came over here and puked in your bathroom
for twenty minutes?"

"I guess," I said, a little relieved he seemed to have
forgotten.

He had managed to prop himself up against the headboard as
he was talking to me.  I glanced over and noticed that he
had closed his eyes.  I went back to typing on my laptop,
figuring he had fallen back asleep.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, startling me
somewhat.

"What?" I asked, trying to play dumb.

"The kiss," he said quietly.

"I don't know," I answered honestly.  "Do you?"

"We need to."

"I know, but it doesn't need to be right now.  If you don't
want, that is."

I turned in my chair so that I could face him.  I recognized
the look on his face, simply because I knew exactly how he
felt.  It looked like he was trying to form the words to
convey his thoughts, but they just wouldn't come.

"I didn't realize." I began.  I stopped, not knowing how to
talk about it.  "It's okay if you're gay."

"I'm not," he said in an even tone.

"But if you are." I said, trying to get my point across.

"I know," he responded.  "But I'm not."

"Then why the kiss?"

"It just sort of happened, I suppose.  The alcohol probably
had something to do with it.  I've never really been
attracted to a guy.  I mean I can appreciate someone who is
attractive.  And you know I don't have a problem with
someone being gay, but I'm not gay.  Does that make sense?"

"I think so," I replied.  "There are people out there that
think it's disgusting.  Then you have those that can
understand it intellectually but they still get weirded out
by it.  But I guess you fall into the category of people who
totally accept it."

"I do."

"I still don't get it," I confessed.

"Well, it's no secret that I care about you, Alex.  I think
that you are an amazing guy.  You're one of the best people
I've ever met.  And, I know you are going to disagree with
me on that, but I won't let you.  That humility is one of
your best qualities.  The obstacles you've overcome.I don't
know.  It's hard to put into words.  After what I did to you
when we first met, you had every right to come after me.
But, you didn't.  You gave me the benefit of the doubt and
you let me in.  All I know is that you deserve to have good
things happen to you.  And what Drew is doing to you is
wrong.  You deserve someone better.  You deserve someone
like."

His voice trailed off.  He pursed his lips and started to
look away.  Our eyes met and I could read the confusion on
his face.

"Someone like you?" I asked quietly.

"Yes," he said, somewhat exasperated.  "But it's not a
sexual thing.  I just want the best for you, Alex.  You
deserve that.  So, for a minute last night I sort of thought
that was me."  He stopped for a moment to try to gather his
thoughts.  "This doesn't even make sense to me, Alex.
Rationally it doesn't work.  There's no way for us to be
together because I'm not gay.  But for a second last night I
imagined what it would be like to be with someone that I
really cared about.  And I was jealous."

"Jealous?  Of what?"

"Of what you have with Drew.  Even though you probably are
ready to throttle him, you're not ready to give up, are
you?"

"No.  I love him, Jeff."

"And that's what I want," he said.  "I want someone worth
fighting for."

"What about Patricia?"

"That's been over for a long time now.  We haven't been
together in months.  Plus, it wasn't what you have with
Drew."

"Oh, I'm sorry.  I didn't realize."

"It's okay," he interrupted.  "We're together mostly for
Alyssa."

We sat there for nearly a full minute.  Each of us was
trying to figure out what to do next.  A took a deep breath
and began.

"You know this can't happen."

"I know," he said.  "Even if Drew wasn't in the picture I
still know it wouldn't happen."

I looked into his eyes and he slowly nodded.  He did his
best to smile but I could tell it was forced.

"Do you want me to tell him?" he asked.

"We don't have to."

"Yes," he said.  "We do.  Maybe it will make him realize
what he's doing.  Regardless, though, he needs to know.  I
don't want to be responsible for a secret between the two of
you.  I've been after him for six weeks now to tell you
about Lea.  I couldn't bear to be the reason you are lying
to him."

I stopped and thought about what Jeff was saying.  In my
mind I ran different scenarios about what might happen when
Drew found out.  I sighed, not happy with what I was
thinking.

"No," I said forcefully.  "We're not going to tell him.  Not
right now, anyway.  He and I have plenty of things to deal
with, Jeff.  This would be too much for either of us to
handle right now."

"But I don't want you to lie to him."

"And I won't, Jeff," I said, trying to reassure him.  "I
need to talk to him and figure out what Lea means to him.
Until that is settled, this doesn't matter."

He looked at me and I could see the hurt in his eyes.

"Shit!" I said.  "That didn't come out right.  Jeff, you
know you matter to me.  Sometimes I think you might matter
more than Drew."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well," I hesitated, "our friendship is something I didn't
really expect.  I've only known you for a couple of months
now but I feel like I've known you for my entire life.  It
took years for me and Mike to get close.  I just think that
this friendship is going to stand the test of time, but my
relationship with Drew might not."

I hadn't planned on saying that.  In fact, I didn't really
think it; it came straight from my heart.  That's what I was
feeling.  In the course of a day I went from wanting to
pledge my life to Drew and give him a ring to doubting if he
really loved me.

"But you just told me you love him," Jeff said softly.

"I do, but what about Lea?  Is he ready to give up
everything for me?"

Across the room a cell phone began ringing.  Although we all
had the same type of phone, each was programmed with a
different ring so I immediately recognized it as Jeff's.  I
motioned for him to stay in bed, as it would be quicker for
me to retrieve it for him.  Before he answered I let him
know I was going to hop in the shower, since I hadn't done
that yet.

As I let the water run over my body, I tried to process my
conversation with Jeff.  It was clear that he loved me and
the feeling was mutual.  We both recognized that a sexual
relationship would never happen between us.  Still, there
was a connection between us that I couldn't clearly define.
To make matters worse, I had just admitted to Jeff and to
myself that I wasn't sure Drew was ready to commit to a
relationship with me.  Those thoughts scared me more than I
was willing to admit.

Turning off the water, I stepped out of the shower and heard
voices in the bedroom.  I quickly dried off and threw on the
bathrobe that was hanging behind the door.  I wasn't
surprised to open the door and see Drew standing there.  He
didn't look good.  He had on jeans and an oversized
sweatshirt.  A baseball cap was pulled low just over his
eyes, which looked red and tired.

"Please talk to me," he said in a nearly inaudible voice.

"Okay," I said.  "It's time."


Scene 110


"Have a seat."

Drew sat in the small chair by the window.  He glanced over
at Jeff, perhaps wondering why I was in a bathrobe and Jeff
was in my bed in just a pair of boxers.  There was an odd
tension in the room and I couldn't tell if it was primarily
coming from Jeff or Drew.

"I'm going to jump in the shower and get cleaned up," Jeff
said, breaking the awkward silence.  "Thanks for letting me
crash here last night, Alex."

"I didn't have much of a choice, did I?" I said, trying to
make it sound like a joke.  For Drew's benefit, I added an
explanation.  "First you knock on my door.  Then you hurl
and nearly pass out.  It's not like I was going to drag you
up to your room."

"Sorry about that," he said sheepishly.

"Don't worry about it."  I grabbed some things out of my
suitcase and handed them to him.  "You'll need something to
wear."

Jeff thanked me, disappearing into the bathroom and shutting
the door.  I looked over at Drew, who seemed to be watching
me like a hawk.  I decided I needed to get dressed, but I
felt strangely self-conscious.  Despite the fact that Drew
and I had made love many times, I was embarrassed to have
him see me naked right then.

"He was really drunk last night," Drew said as I quickly
dropped my robe and pulled on a pair of boxer-briefs,
followed by the rest of my clothes.

"Well," I said as I finished getting dressed.  "He ended up
here."

"Obviously.  Why, though?"

"He was worried about me."

"Because of me," Drew said.

"I think so," I replied.

"No.  That wasn't a question.  He was here because he's
worried about what I'm doing to you."

"Oh."

"He thinks I'm doing this to hurt you."

"Can we stop talking about Jeff?" I said, letting a little
too much emotion come through my voice.  "What do you think
you're doing to me?"

"I think I'm fucking up the best thing that's ever happened
to me," he quickly responded, standing up and taking a small
step towards me.

"Did you sleep with her?"

"No!" he cried out.  "Not since before I met you."

"That's something, I guess."

"Look, Alex.  I love you.  You may not believe that right
now but I do.  I love you more than I've every loved anyone
else in my life.  For weeks now Jeff has been hounding me
and telling me I needed to tell you about Lea.  I just
didn't know what to say.  I didn't know how much you wanted
to hear."

"You could start by telling me that you were engaged," I
replied viciously.

"I did," he said meekly.

"Bullshit!  Don't fucking lie to me, Drew."

"Okay," he retreated.  "I was going to tell you before we
got involved but it just didn't come up.  And then, I didn't
want to hurt you.  I didn't think it really mattered."

All that time I had been looking right at him, but as he
said those words I had to look away.  I felt as though a
dagger had been plunged into my gut.

"If I didn't matter, then why didn't you tell me about her.
Why have you been hiding your relationship with her from
me?"

"It's not a relationship," he said.  "We're just friends."

"Then why didn't you tell me about her?  Did you think I
wouldn't approve?  Do you think that little of me, Drew?"

"Of course not," he responded, sounding as though he was
about to cry.

"Then why?" I nearly shouted.  "Why not tell me?"

He looked at me, his eyes pleading for me to stop.  I could
feel the anger welling up within me.  I was looking for a
reason from him.  I was looking for a sign that showed me
that he was ready to commit to what he had.  Or, rather,
what I thought we had.  Neither of us spoke for what seemed
like forever.

"Did you kiss her?" I finally asked.

Drew looked at me and I could see his mouth start to move.
For a split second I saw his eyes move, focusing on
something behind me.

"No," he said.

"You fucking bastard!  Don't you lie to him!"

I turned around and saw Jeff standing behind me.  He was
looking straight at Drew and I could see the fire in his
eyes.

"What do you know?" I asked Jeff.

"He knows that I kissed her.  Once," Drew said softly.

I turned to face him.  He was looking down.

"Why lie to me?" I asked.

"Because I don't want to hurt you."

"It's too late for that," I responded curtly.  "Maybe you
should go."

Without words Drew turned and walked to the door.  He placed
his hand on the doorknob, perhaps contemplating some final
words.  I heard him sigh and for a moment I thought I heard
him start crying.  Moments later he was gone.

I closed my eyes briefly and felt Jeff reach around me from
behind.  He pulled me into a hug and gently rocked me.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.


Scene 111


The next couple of days seemed to last forever.  After my
confrontation with Drew, I basically withdrew from everyone.
Jeff tried desperately to get me to talk, but I just wasn't
ready.  I was trying to convince myself that Jeff's kiss
wasn't a big deal.  Something inside of me, however, knew it
was something more.

My mind was constantly replaying everything that had
happened to me.  In what seemed like the blink of an eye my
world was once again turned upside down.  The man I had been
contemplating spending the rest of my life with had suddenly
shown signs that he might not be who I thought he was.  To
make matters worse, one of my closest friends, who always
insisted he was straight, had just confessed that he had
feelings for me.

"No you don't," Nick said, grabbing my arm.  "You're sitting
next to me."

Rather than argue, I simply walked along with Nick.  It was
just over 48 hours since Drew had quietly left my hotel
room.  Surprisingly, he hadn't once tried to contact me.  We
were boarding the plane for a cross-country trip to Los
Angeles for the video shoot.  I had arranged for two town
cars to take us from the hotel to the airport.  Drew
purposely got in the other car that morning.  After a few
awkward moments waiting at the gate, we all silently walked
down the jet way to the aircraft.  I had planned on taking
the one single seat but Nick had other ideas.  Justin, who
obviously knew the plan, grabbed my boarding pass and handed
me his seat assignment.

"I'm not in the mood," I said to Nick as I slipped my carry-
on under the seat in front of me.

Nick frowned and looked across the aisle at his brother.
Drew was just two seats away, sitting by the window.  He
seemed to be staring intently at something out the window,
but it was clear that he was just avoiding making any eye
contact with me

"Do you want to tell me what's going on?" Nick asked after a
few minutes.

"Not really."

"Just tell me."

"What do you know?" I asked, purposely being evasive.

"Damn it, Alex!"

"I told you I wasn't in the mood for this."

"I don't care," he replied.  "Just tell me what's going on."

"It's complicated."

"And what relationship isn't?"

"How would I know that?" I spat back.  "This is the first
one I've been in."

Nick sighed.  I had been watching his face and I could see
fighting the urge to roll his eyes at me.

"I'm not here to attack you," he continued.

"Then you're failing."

"Alex!" he said, sounding extremely exasperated.  "All I
know is that you're upset with my brother because of Lea."

"It's a little more involved than that," I responded.

"Explain."

"He kissed her," I said.  "And before you say a word that's
not really the issue.  The issue is that he lied to me about
it.  It's obvious I'm no saint.  That whole mess with Aaron
illustrates that perfectly well.  But, I told Drew as soon
as I could about it.  This thing with Lea has been going on
for months and he hasn't told me."

"There's something you need to know about my brother," Nick
began.

"I don't mean to be an asshole here, Nick, but I don't want
to talk about this any longer."

"Have you talked to anyone about this?"

"No," I said simply.

Nick nodded and turned to look out the window.  I closed my
eyes and leaned my head back against the seat.  I took a
deep breath and felt the plane begin to move.  Opening my
eyes, I noticed that the plane was being pushed back from
the gate.

"I'm worried about you," Nick said quietly.

"Don't be," I said, not really meaning it.

"It's only been a couple of months."

"I'm not going to start drinking, Nick."

"Are you sure?"

"As sure as I can be."

"But this week is going to be hard for you.  With Lea being
at the shoot and everything."

"It will give me a chance to see how he is around her."

"Are you ready for that?" Nick asked.  "He loves you, Alex.
I'd stake my life on that.  But, he can't just stop his
feelings for her, even if he knows they couldn't be
together."

I guess it wasn't until then that I saw the parallel.
Judging by what he had said, Jeff was pretty much in the
same situation.  He may not have a sexual attraction to me,
but he wanted that special bond.  Perhaps that's what Drew
was wanting with Lea.  It didn't make it any easier on me,
but it made a little more sense.

"Look, Nick.  I can't do this right now.  Not here, with him
sitting across the aisle from me.  If I promise to do
something, will you just let it drop?"

"It depends," he replied.

"If you just leave me alone on this for awhile I'll promise
you this.  I promise that if I need help, I'll ask."

"Okay," he said reluctantly, perhaps knowing that he wasn't
going to win the battle.  "Remember Jess is going to be
there and she'll know something is wrong."

"I know.  Just let me get to LA first."

Nick reached out and grabbed my hand.  He gently squeezed
it.  Again I closed my eyes and leaned back.  I felt the
plane speed up as we started down the runway.  Just after we
left the ground, the plane jostled and shook slightly as we
hit a pocket of turbulence.  I took in a deep breath and
said a short prayer.

"Please let this all work out."

To be continued.

Send feedback to:  thack98@mindspring.com