Date: Thu, 21 Nov 2002 02:40:08 -0500 From: Thack Subject: What I Feel For You 112-117 Do not break any laws by reading this. That means if you are under age, stop now. Any questions? Please read the disclaimer on the first installments. Also, remember this is fiction. I have never met any of the celebrities in the story and I have no knowledge of their private lives. Wow! I'm stunned. The Boy Band Story Awards nominations are out and I'm totally shocked. I'm up for eight awards (which is eight more than I expected). I am truly touched for anyone who has nominated me. I do encourage everyone to vote, but that doesn't mean you have to vote for me. I have to say I'm very proud that I was nominated in the "Most Original/Creative Cliffhanger" category. You all know how I love my cliffhangers. Hehehe. If you aren't familiar with the awards, there's a link off of the Nifty site. Be sure to check out the nominee list and I'm sure you'll find some more great stories to read. Thanks to everyone who supports me. And...happy birthday, Jase. Take care and be good, Thack Once we landed in LA, I set about to do my job, which was to make sure all the travel arrangements were running smoothly. I was glad I had something to do because it meant I didn't have to talk to anyone. Rather than deal with limos, I had rented an SUV. The guys were always down to earth, so they usually didn't mind cramming into one car together, especially if I was the driver. Besides, they would have a limo take them to the video shoot and I wanted a car of my own while they were all working. It felt strange to be back in LA. The last time I was there was when I was in rehab. I thought back to how Mike had surprised me by meeting me and Drew at the airport. That was a good memory. Once we left the airport and got onto the freeway, my emotions started to get the best of me. It wasn't so much what was going on with Drew, it was the fact that I was going home. The last time I was home was when my mother disowned me. "What's wrong, Alex?" "Huh?" I said, glancing over at Justin, who was sitting in the passengers' seat. "You haven't said anything since we left the airport. Plus, you didn't answer me when I said something to you about five minutes ago." "Really?" "Yeah," he said. "Honestly I just wish someone would tell me what's going on. Things have been screwed up since New Year's. Drew looks like he's about to fall apart at any minute. Clearly you aren't much better. And Jeff just seems out of it." He paused. "I know you had a fight with Drew but it doesn't seem like it's getting better." I looked over at him and sort of shrugged my shoulders. Glancing in my rear-view mirror, I saw that Nick was in the seat just behind us with his headphones on. Jeff and Drew seemed to be ignoring each other in the back seat. Drew had been looking out the window but Jeff was staring straight ahead. His eyes caught mine in the mirror and he slowly looked down. We hadn't really talked at all since the day after he had kissed me. "Things are fucked up," I said, not really caring about the profanity. "So make it better. Talk to him." Of course, Justin had no idea that my problems included both Jeff and Drew. He was referring to Drew so I tried to concentrate on that issue. "I can't just make it better. It doesn't work that way." "Why?" he responded. "Because I don't understand him." "Obviously this is about Lea. He made a mistake Alex, but he loves you." "But it's not that simple, Justin. Don't you see that? He lied to me." I paused and tried to calm myself down. "He lied to me for months! He hid his relationship from me. It's not that I don't want him to have friends. In fact, I honestly don't mind if he's friends with Lea. But it's the fact that he lied to me for so long." "Do you still love him?" "Of course I do!" "Then you have to get past all this," Justin said softly. We drove on for a while and I let my mind process what Justin had said. I had no doubt in my mind that I loved Drew. And, I knew he loved me, too. The question came down to how much I was willing to trust him. "I miss him, Justin." "I know," he said. As I drove, I tried to remember the last time Drew had made love to me. It surprised me that I couldn't remember and it hurt that I even had to ask myself. I missed having someone I could count on. I missed being able to call someone on the phone any time of the day or night and just say, "I love you". Aside from that, I missed his touch. I wanted to feel his arms wrapping around me and squeezing me just a little too tight. I felt my resolve to be angry with him slip away as I thought how wonderful it would be to kiss him. I wanted to feel him inside me and it had been too long since that had happened. "Claremont?" Justin asked as I took the exit off the freeway. His question brought me out of my daydream. "Didn't you tell me and Nick that's where you grew up?" "Yeah," I said. Hotel options near the video location were few and far between. The closest four star hotel would have been over an hour away. The only option I came up with was the one I didn't want to choose. There was a family owned hotel that would be comfortable and convenient. Unfortunately, it was literally a half-mile from the house I grew up in. I knew I'd have to face some of my demons if we stayed so close to a house that held so many bad memories, but my job was to look out for the guys so I didn't have much choice. "Are you okay with this?" he asked as I drove back into my past. "I have to be," I responded without much emotion. "Why?" "Because the hotel we're staying at is about the best in the area. I wasn't about to make you guys travel and extra hour each way just because I don't want to be here." In the darkness I saw Justin look over at me and frown. He reached across and gently squeezed my knee. "We would have done it," he said softly. "I have no doubt about that Justin." "This isn't very good timing, is it?" he asked in a low voice, ensuring that none of the others heard him. "I mean, you have enough to deal with right now." "Yup," I said matter-of-factly. "I take it you don't want to talk about it?" "Not really." "Okay," he said. I drove on, recognizing most of the buildings we were passing. Waiting at the stoplight to make a left turn onto Foothill Boulevard, I glanced up the road and saw the lights from the football field at my old high school. I shuddered a bit, trying to block out all the painful memories of those days. "Are you sure you're okay?" "Justin," I said as I pulled into the hotel parking lot. "I'll be fine, but I appreciate the concern." "Anytime, Chief." *** It wasn't until I got in my room that I remembered. At each hotel, I always make it a point to get connecting rooms for Drew and me. Each of the guys uses an alias to avoid getting unwanted phone calls and messages should the fans discover where we are staying. I'd begun to use an alias myself. I did it so the hotel staff wouldn't know it was Drew and me with the connecting rooms. I always sent the rooming list to the hotel in such a manner that it looked as though Nick and Drew had the connecting rooms. That way, I reasoned, no one would suspect anything about Drew and me. Unfortunately, this was the one trip that I didn't want to be near Drew. But, it was too late. I turned on the lights and surveyed the room. It was pretty good size, with a king bed and small seating area. It appeared that while I was making arrangements at the Front Desk, the bellman had already delivered my luggage. I walked across the room and made sure the door that connected with Drew's room was locked. I walked toward the open curtains and saw a small balcony that overlooked a quiet courtyard with a fountain. I opened the sliding glass door and stepped out into the night air. "Sorry, I'll go back inside." Somewhat startled, I turned toward the voice. Drew was sitting there in the moonlight on his balcony. He was only six or seven feet away. Despite the dim light, I could make out his face clearly. It struck me that his eyes seemed almost dead and it made my heart break a little. "No," I responded. "It's okay. I just wanted to see what was out here." I stared at him for a moment longer than I wanted. I felt something inside of me that made me want to cry. I turned and started to walk back inside. "Wait!" Instinctively I spun around. Drew was standing on the edge of his balcony but his hand was outstretched. There was probably two feet between the two railings. Without thinking, I reached out and grabbed his hand. I'm sure that if anyone were watching they would have conjured up images of the lovers on the fire escape in "West Side Story". The second I touched him I felt the sparks fly through me. It had been so long since I had touched him. My whole body ached and all I wanted to do was to make love to him. "Will you talk to me?" he asked after a minute or so of us holding hands. "Yes," I said quietly. Reluctantly, we both let go and walked inside. I unlocked and opened the connecting door. Of course, I wasn't surprised to see Drew, but I was surprised at what he had in his hand. "Please tell me we can fix this," he whispered. I looked into his hazel eyes and thought I saw a tiny spark. His bottom lip began to quiver and for a split second I thought he was about to cry. He reached out and presented a single, perfect red rose. Scene 113 I walked through the door into Drew's room. It was a mirror image of mine. I moved across the room and went to sit down on the bed. It was only then that I saw the flower arrangement on the table. Clearly the rose that I held in my hand had come from that arrangement. "Let me guess," I said viciously as my heart began to beat faster, preparing for the inevitable confrontation. "That's from Lea." "Alex, no!" Drew practically screamed. "I'm surprised she wasn't here waiting for you." I watched as Drew grabbed the flower arrangement off the table. It looked as though it was about two-dozen red roses. He turned and faced me. Without words he took the card and handed it to me. I felt my face go flush when I saw that the card was addressed to me. "I was going to have these put in your room tomorrow while we were at the shoot," Drew explained. "But." I stammered. "Read the card, Alex." I slowly opened the card, all the while looking at Drew. He closed his eyes for a moment and then walked back across the room. He carefully placed the flowers on the table and sat down in one of the chairs. "Dearest, Alex," I read to myself. "I have never stopped loving you. You are the reason I get up each day. You are the reason I want to sing. My life is incomplete without you. Please forgive me." I looked up at Drew. He had his head down and he was slowly rubbing his hands together. He looked as though the weight of the world was on his shoulders. "Drew," I said softly. "That was beautiful." He looked up tried to smile. I reached out my hand, much like he did moments earlier on the balcony. Hesitantly he stood up and walked over to me. He took hold of my hand and sat next to me on the bed. We sat there for several minutes, just holding hands. It dawned on me that this was the first night I'd touched him since well before Christmas. "Honey? Why didn't you tell me about her?" "Because I didn't want to hurt you," he replied. "That didn't work, did it?" "That's not fair," he said. "Really? You've been leading this secret life ever since I got out of rehab." "That's part of it, I suppose. When you went into the clinic, you told me you didn't want to see me. I know I told you I understood but it wasn't that easy. If that's what you needed to get better, I was going to give you all the space you needed. But, suddenly, I was alone. Sure, I had my brother and Justin and Jeff to help, but there were times I didn't want to be around any of them. Every time I saw one of them, all I could think about was you. And whenever I thought about you all I did was worry." "I'm sorry, Drew. I didn't mean for that to happen." "I know you didn't," he replied. "I told you I understood why. But, I ended up talking to Lea. Whenever I saw her, I forgot about all the troubles that you and I were having. She didn't know you so I spent all that time telling her about you. I told her why I fell in love with you. She was amazing and it made me feel better." "Then why not tell me?" "I don't know. I just didn't want to hurt you, Alex. What would you think? After all, I was spending time with my ex- fianc‚." The word still stung a bit. Even though I had heard that Drew and Lea were engaged once, I tried to forget about it. "So you kept this friendship quiet to protect me?" I asked. "I suppose. I didn't mean for it to be a secret. But, then you got out of rehab and I couldn't find the right way to tell you. Then it became this huge deal. I knew that once I told you we would get in a fight about it." "Why are you so sure of that?" "Because that's what Jeff said." My mind suddenly went into overdrive. I wondered how much of what Jeff said to Drew was fueled with his personal feelings for me. At that moment I let go of Drew's hand. He looked down, perhaps not even realizing we were still touching. "Tell me about the kiss," I said. "Why, Alex?" "Because I have to know. I have to know if it meant anything." "I'm not going to lie to you. Of course it meant something to me. She still does mean something to me." "When did it happen?" "Christmas," he said. "Tell me what happened." "No." "Drew, tell me what happened or I'll get up and walk out." He looked at me and sighed. "It was on the 26th. We were driving around and reliving the past. I was feeling really lonely, mostly because you weren't there. Lea picked up on that. We ended up at the high school where we went. We were walking around and we ended up by the football field." "That's where you had your first kiss," I interrupted. "How did you know that?" he asked, somewhat startled. "You told me that once. It was when we at the Mall of America." "Oh," he said, clearly not remembering that conversation. "We were at dinner," I said. "You had said that Lea kissed you on the football field in the snow. Then you asked me about my first kiss, which hadn't happened, yet." "I remember." "So did you kiss her or did she kiss you?" "I can't tell you," he responded. "Why?" "Honestly I don't know who kissed who. It just happened." "Did it mean anything?" "I already answered that," Drew said. "Are your feelings for Lea enough to question your relationship with me?" "No!" "Are you sure?" Drew reached out and grabbed both of my hands. He pressed them against his chest and I could feel his heart beating. "I love you, Alex. I can't stop my feelings for Lea. But.they pale in comparison for what I feel for you. You are my life." I leaned in and kissed Drew. It was a long, slow, passionate kiss. After the kiss, I wrapped my arms around him and held him. "I love you, Drew," I whispered. Scene 114 I awoke with a start, my body jolted back to consciousness from a deep sleep. In the pitch-blackness I struggled to remember exactly where I was. I reached out, trying to grab onto something familiar. Shutting my eyes, I saw remnants of the nightmare that had been floating through my mind. Pieces of the dream seemed to taunt me, laughing at my utter confusion. I was sitting upright in bed, willing my pulse to slow down. There was a slight breeze coming in from the sliding glass door that was open to the balcony. The air blew across my naked torso and I shivered. It was only then that I realized I was covered in sweat. It was the same dream I'd been having for months now; the same dream I had when I was with Jessica in Florida. In the dream Drew and I had been fighting about something. It was an intense argument, the worst I could imagine without coming to blows with someone. The next image that floated out of my subconscious was a barren field. It was a scene that resembled the moon: black rocks peppered with pockets of white. Standing in the field, I was searching for Drew. I couldn't find him and I remember screaming out his name over and over. It always ended the same: me holding Drew, who was covered in blood. I shivered again, trying to block the images from my mind. "What's wrong, baby?" Drew's voice startled me and I jumped when I felt his hand come to rest on my back. "Nothing," I lied. "Just a dream." I looked out the window and saw that the sun was just beginning to rise. I heard the sound of the fountain in the courtyard below and fought to clear my head. "A dream?" he yawned. "You're covered in sweat. Are you feeling okay?" "I'm fine." "Are you sure? Lea always says that if you wake." When he said her name I involuntarily flinched, which made Drew stop mid-sentence. As much I didn't want to admit it, I was still hurt by what Drew had done. I wanted to get back to our normal life together, mostly because I was lonely. It didn't seem like it was going to be easy, however. "Sorry," he whispered. I lay back down, shivering again, although I wasn't sure if it was because I was cold or just upset. I let my head fall into the feather pillow. Staring at the ceiling, I tried to slow my breathing. Tentatively, Drew reached over and wrapped his arms around me. He laid his head on my chest and I could feel his breath against my stomach. "I love you, Alex." Absentmindedly I reached up and started stroking his hair. I don't know if he expected me to respond, but I just couldn't make myself say those three words. For the first time in months, I doubted what I felt for Drew. *** I was sitting outside at the video shoot pretending to work. Actually, I was waiting to meet with Zane. I knew he was there somewhere but I really wasn't in the mood to search for him. It had been a long time since I'd seen him, but we had been corresponding via email to set up all the arrangements with the tour. I'd been trying to figure him out, as he always came across very business-like. Email, however, is not the best way to get to know someone. We had planned on meeting at the shoot to discuss some more tour arrangements. The tour was only three weeks off, and we both were busy trying to get everything in order. Rather than try to find him, I decided to stay in one place knowing that he was probably looking for me. Besides, I was outside in just a short sleeve shirt in January, which wouldn't be happening back home in Minnesota so I was happy. As that thought bounced through my head I almost laughed to myself. Here I was, just 15 minutes from the house I grew up in and I was considering Minneapolis my home. But then my mind started into overdrive. If Drew and I did stay together, which I wasn't sure would happen, where would I end up living? About 100 feet away, I saw Drew. He was dressed for the shoot in a vintage military dress uniform. Even from that distance, I could see how incredible he looked. For a second I thought about going over to talk to him. We had made love most of the night but we didn't really talk much. Just as I was about to stand up, I saw her. I'd seen pictures of her but I never actually had seen her in person. She was pretty and I could see why Drew was attracted to her. I'd never even considered being with a girl, which may seem crazy considering I didn't come out to myself until I was 19. But, that's just the way it was for me. Drew, however, had been with at least two women that I knew of. The one that mattered was there that day. The one he still loved was Lea. She walked up to him and hugged him. I sighed and simply looked away. What more could I do? I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone. I needed some advice. "Fitness Desk, this is Aaron." "Hey, Aaron, this is Alex. How are you doing?" "Alex! It's good to hear your voice. What's going on?" "I'm in LA," I said. "The guys are doing a video shoot." "Wow. That sounds cool." "I guess. Listen, is Mike around?" "He's with a client, but he should be done soon. I'll have him call you, if you want." "Yeah," I responded. "That would be good. I gotta run, Aaron. I'll talk to you later." "Okay, Alex. Have a good one." I sat there for a couple of minutes thinking about Aaron. I still didn't know how I felt about him. Of course I was grateful that he had shown up at the bar and kept me from drinking but I still wondered about his intentions. He had made it clear that he had wanted to have sex with me, but I never really figured out why we didn't. I did, after all, make a move and kiss him. I'm not proud of it, but I would have slept with him that day if he hadn't stopped us. I asked Mike what he thought about it once. "Sorry to be blunt, but Aaron wanted your dick," he had told me. "Even he recognized that day that you were in no shape to have sex. Besides, he knew that I would have kicked his ass if he tried anything with you." I remember that I had laughed when Mike said that but we both knew it was the truth. Mike rarely got physical, but he did launch himself at Jeff when he thought I was in trouble. In the end, I suppose Mike was the reason Aaron didn't sleep with me. I searched through my saved numbers on my phone and dialed Mike's voicemail. "Hey, Mike. I just talked to Aaron and he said he'd give you the message but I wanted to let you know what was up in case I was away from my phone when you called. Drew and I are back together. Sort of, that is. I guess I was kinda weak last night and I ended up sleeping with him. I'm not sure that was the best thing to do because right now he's with Lea and it's taking all I have not to walk over there and cut off his nuts for ignoring me. Well.that was probably an image you didn't need. I'll talk to you later about it." As soon as I hung up I saw a shadow fall across me. Startled, I turned and saw him standing there. "So what did Drew do to make you want to cut his nuts off?" he said laughing. Scene 115 "Ah, Zane. What exactly did you hear?" "Enough. Is there trouble in paradise?" he asked. "Paradise?" He looked at me and smiled. I don't know why it struck me right then, but I noticed that his teeth were impossibly white. His grin seemed to light up his whole face. "First, it's not exactly a secret that you're with Drew." "Really?" I answered. I had honestly thought we'd done an excellent job of keeping our relationship a secret. "Don't worry. I can always tell. I probably knew Drew was gay before he did." "What do you mean?" I asked. "Don't worry about it." "So, you knew Drew was gay. But, how did you know we were together?" "Remember I've seen all the rooming lists for the tour, Alex. You know, where you and Drew always get the connecting rooms. Besides, your voice changes whenever you talk to him. From what I've heard, the two of you seem to be made for each other." "Not likely," I said. His smile suddenly vanished and he cocked one eyebrow. I could see his mind trying to process everything. I sighed and looked away, not really wanting to discuss it. After all, I didn't really know Zane. But then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw them coming toward us. "Shit!" I said under my breath. Zane looked at me, not understanding until he saw them. "Hey, Alex," Drew said softly as he approached with Lea. Not surprisingly, my attention was focused on her. I tried my best to smile, although I was certain it looked forced. To her credit, she was either a much better person or just a great actress because she looked honestly happy to see me. "It's good to finally meet you, Alex," she smiled. I had been sitting in a leather-backed director's chair. When I saw them at the video shoot, I almost laughed out loud at how clich‚ it seemed. Lea stepped toward me and leaned over slightly to hug me. I tried my best to return the hug, but I was just so surprised. I'm not sure why, but the second she touched me something strange flashed in my head. All I could think of was that her lips had been kissing Drew. It wasn't that she had kissed him; it was that she had kissed him when he was supposed to be with me. "Good morning, Lea," I responded. The four of us stood there for what seemed like an eternity. I felt my eyes drop down and look at the ground, simply to avoid making eye contact with anyone. I noticed that Drew was wearing black shoes but it looked like someone had used brown shoe polish on them by accident. I was about to say something when Drew started talking. "Lea and I were going to craft services to grab some lunch before my next call time and she wanted to know if you wanted to come." "Oh," I said. I wasn't sure why it was Lea's idea that I join them. Maybe Drew was just saying that but I couldn't tell. Besides, shouldn't it have been my boyfriend who wanted me there? "I'd like it if you were there," she said in an even voice. More than anything I just wanted to disappear. The thought of spending time with the two of them was almost more than I could bear. I could feel my stomach churning. I was still so worried about getting back with Drew. I just wasn't ready for the stress of being around Lea at the same time. I looked directly at Zane, hoping he would pick up my distress signal. "Alex," he said, trying to make it sound as though he was interrupting. "We have to get the details worked out for the opener at the Wiltern. Plus there's another venue that's just been added. We're kind of under the gun here so I don't know if there's time for you to get lunch." I know I let out an audible sigh but I don't think anyone but Zane caught it. "What time is your call, Drew?" Zane asked. "It's in 45 minutes." "There's just not gonna be time. Alex and I have at least two hours work ahead of us and we have to get the contract riders out to the theatre within the hour." "I'm sorry," I said, addressing Lea more than Drew. "Duty calls." "It's okay," she said. "We have to do dinner before I fly back home. Tomorrow night?" "Sure," I said as enthusiastically as possible. Lea smiled and hugged me again. Drew simply watched. They turned and started walking away. I felt my face drop. We were in public so I knew that Drew couldn't kiss me or even hug me but he didn't even say anything. The only other person within earshot was Zane. I wasn't sure if Drew knew that Zane knew about us, so I guess I had to give Drew the benefit of the doubt. But, he didn't even say goodbye. "That was what you wanted me to do, right?" Zane asked. "God, yes! I owe you." "No problem," he smiled. "Do we really have to get the riders to the Wiltern?" "No, that was done a week ago. I mean we do have some things to discuss but it's not urgent." "So you just made up a lie on the spot?" "It's easy," he laughed. "You should be doing that for me." "Why not? You needed someone to bail you out of that one and I was here. Why don't we get out of here and go get some lunch?" "Okay," I sighed. Neither of us said much as we walked to my car. I briefly explained that I had grown up in the area so I could drive us to someplace decent to eat and get some business done. Zane seemed agreeable to that idea. "Thanks," I said after we were driving for a couple of minutes. "Don't worry about it. You don't have to explain anything if you don't want." "Actually I'd kind of like an outsider's opinion. I can trust you, right?" "Definitely. Just in case you had doubts about me, I do bat for your team. I can't be out, just like Drew. I'm not performing right now but there's always a chance I'll get back into it again." "Okay," I said as I tried to decide how to start off. Before I could say anything else, my cell phone started ringing. We had both set our phones down in the area between the seats in the SUV. Zane grabbed my phone thinking it was his. Once he realized it was mine, he started to hand it to me but I motioned for him to answer. "Alex Jackson's office. How can I help you?" After a brief period of silence he looked over at me and said, "It's for you." "Ya think?" I laughed as I grabbed the phone. "Hello?" "Since when do you have an answering service? And, what the hell's going on with you and Drew?" "Hey, Mike. Is it bad to want to castrate your boyfriend?" Scene 116 "For the record, I am against castration of anyone, even if he deserves it." I laughed at Mike. Despite the fact that I was living on the road and didn't get to see him much, we still had kept in contact with each other. I didn't feel the same about my other friends, like Sharon. I had called Mike to tell him about me and Drew getting back together. "So, what happened?" Mike asked. I shifted the cell phone to my other hand and cradled it against my neck. I hated talking while I was driving but I knew Mike was probably between clients and didn't have much time. "Well," I said hesitantly, glancing over at Zane who was watching me carefully. "He apologized and I guess I sort of accepted." "But." "But I'm not sure about how I feel, Mike. He's been with her all day and when they came to see me, he barely said anything to me." "Probably because he knows he was a jerk." "Maybe," I said. Mike and I talked briefly as I drove over to the restaurant I had in mind. I detailed everything that had happened, except I didn't mention the nightmare I had. At one point Zane looked a little uncomfortable, so I quickly told him it was okay that he heard what I was saying. That way, I figured, I didn't need to fill him in on everything, even if he was just hearing one side of the conversation. "All I can say, Alex," Mike told me just before hanging up, "is that I've never seen you happier than when you're with Drew. You need to decide if that's worth giving up." Mike hung up just as we were reaching the restaurant. It was a little place called "Walter's". The downtown area of the town I grew up in was called the "Village". I'm not sure why I went there. I suppose it was because it was the kind of place that stood the test of time. And, since I hadn't been back there in years, that made it a safe bet. "Did that help any?" Zane asked as we climbed out of the SUV. "Talking to Mike?" I asked. "I don't know. I'm not sure what I want with Drew." I stopped for a second and thought about Zane. I didn't really know the guy and yet I was entrusting him with a great deal of information about Drew and me. Although I wasn't sure it was the smartest thing to do, he seemed to understand. He excused himself to go to the bathroom as I checked at the podium inside the restaurant. I found it was going to be about a ten minute wait so I sat down and glanced around the place. It looked almost the same as how I remembered it. But, it wasn't until I heard the comment that I realized that truly nothing had changed. "We don't want your kind here." I turned toward the voice and saw a man dressed in a conservative suit. He appeared to be in his mid thirties and he carried a scowl. For a split second I thought I recognized him, but it was his words that caught me off guard. It shouldn't have surprised me, but I guess you're never really expecting a gay bashing. "Excuse me?" I said quietly. "You're a faggot, right? We don't want you here." I sighed and felt myself shrink back into the past. Despite being on the outskirts of suburban Los Angeles, my hometown was decided uncompromising in its intolerance. There is a major school of theology in the town, but it is incredibly narrow in it's thoughts on diversity. The town is also small enough where the church that runs the school basically controls the entire city government. More than anything I just wanted to sit there and ignore the man. I knew that the only way he would win is if I let his words have power. I shuddered involuntarily, thinking back to the past. This was all too familiar. Zane came walking out from the bathroom and he recognized that something was wrong. Without words, I got up and grabbed him by the arm, practically yanking him out the door. "What the hell is going on?" he questioned as I quickly pulled him down the sidewalk. I left flushed and I knew it was only a moment or two before I either passed out or started crying. "Alex!" he yelled, stopping me dead in my tracks. "What the fuck just happened?" I felt my pulse quicken. Suddenly realizing I was still holding onto his arm, I let go and summoned the courage to look up at him. "Just a welcome home present," I managed to say quietly. He looked at me as if I were speaking Japanese. "I just need to get out of here," I said. "Can we just get out of here?" Zane nodded, trying to comprehend the situation. It took everything in my power to get back to the car. Zane grabbed the keys and helped me into the passenger seat. I slumped down, wishing I had never come back. I was staring back into the past and I didn't know if I could face it again. Scene 117 Zane was quiet as he drove us back to the hotel. I was feeling so out of balance. On top of having to deal with all my problems with Drew, I had to deal with the past. Moments before, some small minded bigot taunted me and he had won. I left without a fight and I felt as if I had betrayed someone because of it. We ended up back at the hotel. Although I had lost my appetite, Zane was hungry so we stopped in the coffee shop. He must have sensed I wasn't in the frame of mind to discuss anything personal because he didn't ask. We did discuss business, including some important changes to the tour. Since the video shoot was finishing the following day, we decided on setting up a dinner for everyone. We included all the guys, Lea, Jess, and Patricia. The video included scenes of Jeff with his daughter, Alyssa. Patricia only agreed to let Alyssa be in the video if she could be there the entire time. We selected a restaurant that was right next to the hotel called Buca. It was family style Italian food and we reserved one of the banquet rooms. I was already dreading being in a room with both Drew and Lea. I shuddered to think about the seating arrangements. Zane and I drove back over to the video shoot. We parted ways, but before he left me he stopped and looked at me with a serious face. "Are you sure you're okay?" "Yeah," I said, not really sure how I was feeling right then. "Obviously you don't want to talk about it, but something happened back at that restaurant." "It's nothing, but thanks." He shrugged his shoulders and walked off. I set out, too. I needed to find Drew. I needed to see how he was acting around Lea. Honestly, I was going to spy on my boyfriend. I turned a corner around the trailers and literally ran right into Jeff. "Hey!" he said, laughing a little as rubbed his arm when I we had collided. "Sorry," I replied. I moved slightly to let him pass and started to walk away. He gently grabbed my arm to stop me. "Alex?" "What?" "This isn't working." "What isn't?" I asked. "Whatever you call this. Your little routine of avoiding me. We haven't talked in days. Every time I get near you, you try to leave the room or pretend to not see me. Is what I did really that bad? I never meant to fuck up our friendship." "It's not that." "Really? So it's not because I.." His voice trailed off. We both knew what he was about to say and we both realized we were in a public place. "You know, what happened on New Year's?" "It's not about that?" I saw Jeff's face fall when I said the words. His eyes seemed so dead at that moment. For the first time in months, I took a second and studied his face. He was still as handsome as I remembered him being when we had talked back in my apartment in Minneapolis, but I could see exhaustion and worry hiding behind his rugged features. "Don't lie to me. You've never been a good liar, Alex." "How do you know? How long have you known me, Jeff?" I could feel myself getting a little upset, although I could do nothing to stop myself. Deep down, I knew that I had been avoiding Jeff because of the kiss. "I've known you long enough to understand what's going on, Alex. Have you seen her with him?" He paused when I didn't answer. "Have you? What I told you that night is still true, Alex. You deserve better than him! I know you don't believe that, but it's true. I know you and Drew are back together, but he is still in love with her. You know what he said to me this morning? He told me that he fucked you last night. Those are the words he used, Alex. He's still in love with her but he's fucking you. I can't stand to watch you get your heart broken and that's what's going to happen." Jeff was speaking quickly but intensely. I was transfixed on his blue eyes. I tried to speak but nothing was coming from my mouth. "I know you don't want to talk about what happened between us," he continued. "If that's what you want, I'll deal with it. I just can't lose you as a friend. Not right now. Things are just too confusing for me." "That's not going to happen!" "Really? Then why are you avoiding me? Are you avoiding me because I kissed you or is it because you know I'm right about Drew?" "What do you mean?" "What do I mean?" he practically screamed. "You know what I mean, Alex. Just admit it. He's using you and I can't stand to watch that happen to you. You deserve someone who is going to take care of you." "And Drew can't take care of me?" "Do you see him here?" I don't know why, but I briefly looked around, as if Jeff was asking literally if Drew was there. My mind was playing tricks on me and I wasn't sure what was happening. "No," I answered. "But you are." "I am," he replied. "And I'm always going to be here for you. But you have to ask yourself if that is what Drew is going to do." I heard him take a deep breath and slowly exhale. "Alex," he said finally. "Do you believe that Drew really loves you and that he's going to be there for you? Do you really believe that?" I shut my eyes for a second to try to collect my thoughts. >From behind me I hear a rustle. When I opened my eyes, I saw her standing there. "I'd like to hear your answer to that question, too," she said. To be continued. Send feedback to: thack98@mindspring.com