Date: Sat, 10 Apr 2004 00:36:16 -0400
From: Thack <thack98@comcast.net>
Subject: What I Feel For You 143-145

The legal stuff:  This is a sexually explicit story
involving homosexuality.  (There's nothing wrong with that,
by the way.)  By continuing to read, you affirm under
penalties of perjury (like this is going to court?) that you
are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are
entitled to have access to sexually explicit material.  The
content and opinions expressed in this story do not imply
anything with regard to the sexual preference of any member
of 98 Degrees of other celebrities named herein.  This is a
work of fiction entirely.

Hello, again.  That's for coming by.  I've moved and I start
school next week.  It's been a crazy time for me.  Oh, and I
need a job, too!  Thanks go out to the usual suspects.  By
the way, I do appreciate the emails I get.  (Even the nasty
ones.)  I figure if you have enough of a reaction to write
I'm doing okay.  A short bit of trivia:  I first started
writing this story because I had a dream about a car crash
in Hawaii.  It sort of freaked me out so I ended up writing
about it.  The first draft of "What I Feel For You" started
out with the accident.  But, I felt like it didn't make much
sense so I reworked it.  Now, I'm back where I started but I
actually have characters that have lives.  I'm not trying to
create role models; my life (just like my characters) is
flawed.  I'm just trying to tell a story.  In the end, it's
a love story and those are the best kind.

Note my new email address:  thack98@comcast.net.

Scene 143

The next several days seemed to blur together.  Seeing Drew
hooked up to so many machines was a tough sight to see.  On
top of that, my body wasn't physically ready for so much
movement.  Despite Nick trying to be careful, he did manage
to bang me around quite a bit as he was getting me back into
bed after the visit to see Drew.  I knew I probably should
have had Nick go get help but I was exhausted and ready to
be lying down again.  The result was a fairly severe case of
pain because of the whole experience.

Nick seemed a little more himself after I had told him about
what I had told Drew.  In all honesty, I probably was only
with Drew for about five minutes.  Since he couldn't talk I
did all the speaking and he could only motion and blink his
responses.  I tried my best to stay positive, but by the end
of couple minutes my body was aching and my mind was getting
a little fuzzy from the pain.  The moment I was back in my
bed I fell asleep.

I awoke because I felt a gentle tapping on my shoulder.  I
forced my eyes opened, even though I was extremely fatigued.
I had no idea whether I had been asleep an hour or a day.

"Hey, buddy."

I looked at my Mike.  Through thick and thin he had remained
my best friend.

"Hi."

"Listen, Alex.  I need to talk to you about something.  Are
you up for it?"

"I guess," I yawned.

"Nice," he smiled.  "I need to know if you're going to be
okay."

"Of course I am."

"No, I mean, if I leave are you going to be okay?  With
everything that's going on I feel bad about leaving, but my
boss called this afternoon and some of my regulars are
getting a little, umm, perturbed that I've been gone for so
long."

"Mike, I'm fine.  Go!"

"But you just saw Drew for the first time.  Plus this whole
confusion with Jeff.  I sorta feel like I'm abandoning you
when you need me most."

"Don't think that, Mike.  The fact that you're here at all
is amazing.  You don't see any of my family here, do you?"

"Drew's mom is here.  And your brother-in-law Nick," he
grinned.

"Hmm.  So it's pretty clear who you want as part of my
family."

"I like Jeff, honestly.  But you have a history with Drew
and I think the two of you can really be happy together.
You just have to figure out how to get past all of this,
Alex.  I know it won't be easy but I think you can do it
together.  You've already been down the road of having Drew
come out and it seems like he finally may be accepting it.
I know he was talking about a more public relationship with
Leah but I just don't see that happening after the accident.
And I know you'll be there for Jeff, but I just don't want
to have to watch you go through all of that again.  I know
that sounds a little harsh and I don't mean it to be."

I paused for a moment and let it all sink in.  I had already
made up my mind but I still carefully considered Mike's
words.  The moment I saw Drew lying in bed I knew he and I
were meant to be.  As long as he could commit to me fully I
would be there as his partner.

"I already made up my mind, Mike."

"Really?"

"Yeah.  When Nick took me to see Drew.  I knew then when I
saw him.  We've been through too much together to not give
it shot."

Mike broke into a huge grin and leaned down and kissed me on
the forehead.

"This is going to sound stupid, but." his voice trailed off.

"What?"

"Well, you don't really need it but you have my permission."

"Permission?"

"You always say that I'm your family, right?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, you have my permission if you want to ask him."

"Are you talking about what I think you're talking about?"

"Yes," he grinned.

"Well, slow down cowboy!  I appreciate it but I'm not ready
to marry him, yet."

"Yet?" he laughed.

"Yeah, yet."

We fell into a comfortable silence.  It was probably ten
minutes before either of us said anything.

"It's not going to be easy," I said.

"Jeff?"

"Yeah."

We both fell quiet, yet again and began analyzing that
situation.

"Do you want me to stay?  I can help you talk to Jeff."

"No," I said.  "I need to talk to him myself.  He'll
understand.  It may not be easy but he'll understand."

After a few more minutes of small talk Mike told me he had
already booked a flight that was leaving that night to head
back to Minneapolis.  When he said it I was certain that
Nick had accomplished that task and that Mike would be in
first class.

"I love you.  You know that, right?"

"Of course," I smiled.

"I'll see you soon."

"Yes, you will.  And thanks for the blessing.  Not that I
needed it," I laughed.

With that Mike was gone and I was faced with the very real
problem of talking to Jeff.  Instead of diving into that
one, I simply closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

Scene 144

The next morning I woke quite sore, as I had expected.  It
was the first time I'd woken up and not had a member of the
98 Degrees posse holding vigil at my bedside in one of those
uncomfortable hospital chairs.  I took that as a good sign.

Reaching over, I picked up the phone, at once thrilled that
I was finally allowed to have a phone in my room.  I tried
valiantly to remember the number to the condo where everyone
was staying, but no luck.  Although my memory lapses were
getting fewer and fewer, I didn't have much reason to try to
remember a phone number when it was told to me while I was
practically sedated.  Fortunately, I saw the pad of paper
with Zane's messy handwriting next to the phone with his
cell phone-number.

"Hello?" I heard a groggy voice.

"Hey!" I said.

"Do you have any idea what time it is?"

Glancing around the room and realizing there was no clock, I
had to answer "no".

"It's 6:13am!" Zane exclaimed.

"Sorry, I had no idea.  I think I've been asleep since about
8pm last night."

Before he could answer and before I could say anything else
I heard a voice in the background.

"Who is it and can't you get rid of them?" the deep baritone
voice said.

"Opps," I said, knowing I was blushing.  "I didn't mean to
interrupt."

"No, it's okay.  We were just sleeping," he almost laughed.
"I'll explain later.  What do you need, Alex?"

"I was hoping to talk to Jeff."

"Um, I guess you didn't hear."

"Hear what?"

"Well," he said quietly, trying to stifle a yawn.  "Jeff
went back to LA last night.  It was a bit sudden."

"Did he say anything?"

"No, just that he needed to see Alyssa.  I guess I can
understand that.  This whole thing has been pretty
traumatic.  When you're talking life and death all day long
I'd think seeing your kid would be important."  He paused.
"Sorry, Alex.  That was a bit harsh.  I'm not really awake."

"Don't worry, Zane.  I know things were a bit iffy for both
of us."

I smiled.  Despite the horrible things I was saying I
realized I used the term "us" and really meant it.

"Do you want me to come down there?" Zane asked,
interrupting my thoughts.

"No.  Go back to sleep."  I grinned.  "Or back to what you
were doing."

"Alex!"

"But I want details later."

"Deal."

With that Zane had hung up.  Despite the time I'd spent with
him, he was still very much an enigma.  I shouldn't have
been surprised that he had found someone.  After all, he
took the brunt of canceling the tour and dealing with all
the details of our hospitalization.  And while I doubted it
was eternal love, I was happy he had found someone to help
relieve a little stress.

I stretched a bit, wishing I could roll over onto my side.
I was getting sick of sleeping on my back in that damn
hospital bed.  Obviously when you're hooked up to machines
you can't move around, but now that I was untethered I
really wanted to be in a perfectly flat, perfectly civilian
bed.

That was the goal, I decided.  I flashed on a single thought
right then.  I don't know why but all I could think about
was some stupid movie I'd seen ages ago where the catch
phrase was "baby steps".  That's what I needed to do: take
some baby steps.

First, I though, I need to get out of bed and out of the
hospital.  On top of that, I needed to start keeping track
of time.  I had absolutely no idea how many days I had been
in the hospital.  Judging by my 6:13am wake-up call to Zane
and his bedmate, I wasn't doing much better about what time
of day it was, either.

Second, I need to concentrate on Drew.  That one was
actually tough to figure out.  My heart was torn between
dealing with Jeff and helping Drew.  But, even if I was out
of the hospital, I doubted that I'd be cleared for travel
that soon.  Plus, Jeff left without saying goodbye, which
spoke volumes to how he felt about things.  I'd have Justin,
Zane, or Nick make sure Jeff was okay, but Drew was just 2
floors away and he was the guy that needed me most.

Finally, I'd talk to Jeff.  That was something I wasn't
looking forward to doing.  He was the first of the guys to
really open up to me.  He and I have a connection, and
despite everything that had happened, I hoped we always
would.  And I'd be lying if I didn't say that my plan on
getting Drew healthy before talking to Jeff wasn't
strategic.  A tiny part of me was still angry at the way
Drew had treated me when we were in Hawaii.  In my mind I
had committed to be with him; but there was still
uncertainty as to whether he would do the same.  In effect,
I was waiting for that commitment from Drew before I totally
ended things with Jeff.

Thinking things over, I began feeling bad about it.  While I
doubted Jeff was waiting for me to fly to LA, I did feel
like I was using him a bit.  It's not that I was doing it
intentionally.  It was the circumstances.  After all, who
was I to have two pop stars fighting over me?  I was just an
ordinary guy who happened to be working at their hotel.

"Am I Yoko?"

I actually said it out loud, just to hear it.  I laughed at
myself.  What if I became the reason for the breakup of the
group?  What if Jeff and Drew couldn't mend fences?  They
had been fighting for months and in effect it was because of
me.  Would I be labeled by VH-1's "Behind the Music" as the
reason for the end of 98 Degrees?  It was funny but also
very possible.  Only time would tell.

Scene 145

"How does it feel?"

"You have no idea," I replied.

"Actually, I do," was Nick's response.

I had to process for a second but then I realized Nick was
referring to his stay in a Minneapolis hospital.  I chuckled
as he pushed me in the wheelchair.  As we approached the
front entrance it was my turn to walk, or at least let Nick
help me walk.  I was still pretty banged up.

"Here," Nick said as he handed me some sunglasses.

"Huh?"

"We're trying to keep this low key."

"No clue where you're going with this one, Nicky."

I stood up and wobbled a bit, feeling a little light-headed.
Nick planted himself in front of me and I reached out and
grabbed a shoulder.

"After all this time you still don't care, do you?"

"What's with the riddles, Lachey?  You gotta remember the
magic word: concussion."

He laughed and put the sunglasses on me.

"You always seem to forget the whole celebrity thing.  I
guess that's why we all get along so well.  You're just a
normal guy."

"Maybe.  I don't forget as much as I try to ignore it," I
sighed.  I finally saw what Nick was trying to hide me from.
Over his shoulder I could see a half dozen photographers
waiting to take our picture.  "And remember: concussion and
memory loss to due high speed accident in the middle of the
night."

"You're too crazy."

Then I realized I'd never asked before.

"Nick, did they ever figure out what caused the accident?"

"Not really.  Drew said something about maybe seeing a
donkey."

"Drew's talking?"

"Not really.  He only started whispering this morning.  It's
mostly been impossible to read drawings and an occasional
gesture.  His trachea was damaged during the accident.  The
docs think it will be awhile before he gets his voice back."

I nodded, not sure what else to say.  The lack of speech on
my behalf was Nick's signal to get me out of the hospital.
Initially I resisted because I wanted to see Drew but he
promised to bring me back that evening.  So, we headed to
the door.

"You have no comment," he whispered.

"No kidding."

The reporters were actually fairly tame, which meant they
had pity on me as I hobbled to the SUV in the driveway.  Or,
perhaps the story wasn't worth harassing a nobody like me.
Either way I was grateful for the scant flashbulbs and half-
hearted questions.

Zane was waiting for us with the passenger door open.  I
heard Nick call shotgun.

"Not on your life, Hollywood," was Zane's response.  "It's
easier for him to get in and out of the front seat."

"Fine," Nick pouted as I laughed.

Once the three of us were in the car Zane was about to pull
away and I practically screamed.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Zane looked at me as if I were speaking in tongues.

"What have we learned by this whole experience?" I
questioned him.

"Fights with your boyfriend are a bad idea?" he said wryly.

"No!  Seatbelts save lives."

He looked at me sheepishly as he buckled up.

"Actually you save lives, Alex."

"I'm in no condition to save your ass right now.  And I'm
not doing mouth-to-mouth on you."

"Neither am I," Nick piped in from the back seat as we drove
away from the hospital.  "I think James would get jealous."

"Ugh!" Zane yelled.

"Oh," I laughed, "was he the guy that got pissed off when I
woke him up the day before yesterday?"

"Yeah."

"Who is he?  Someone special?" I asked in my best junior
high school girl's voice.  Fortunately, it came off sounding
a little too masculine.

"Would I sleep with someone that isn't special?"

"Nice answer.  But you promised details, Zane."

"Hmm," was the evasive response.

"James is our realtor," Nick said from behind.

"What are we buying?"

"Bought," Zane said.  "We bought the condo we're staying
at."

"That sounds extravagant," I replied.  "James better be all
that and more."

"Hell yeah," Zane laughed.  "When he was going over the
papers he was talking about what things he's accountable
for.  I guess it's some sort of realtor oath or something.
One thing he said was that he is responsible for being
'obedient' to his clients.  That was enough to get things
going.  And, Alex, is he ever obedient."

I laughed, which made my side hurt and I started coughing a
bit.

"I'm in the car, you know," Nick stated.

"Sorry, but we outnumber you right now."

"Ha, ha."

"But why buy the condo? I asked, trying to steer the
conversation to something Nick might not be traumatized by.

"I looked around and it just made the most financial sense.
None of us were certain how long we were going to be
staying."

"It was a good investment," Nick said.  "Both Jeff and I did
the research independently and came to the same result.
Real estate is a good place to put our money, especially
with the tour cancelled.  So, you're the proud owner of a
one-fifth share of a Hawaiian retreat."

"Me?  How did I get a share?"

"You did, okay?" Nick said strongly.  I took the hint not to
ask any more questions.

Considering the fact that I was unconscious when I arrived
in Honolulu, I seemed to have a fairly good idea which
direction we were headed.  Once we left the hospital, I saw
it was the "Queen's Medical Center".  This realization
brought a fit of laughter and a blank stare from both Zane
and Nick.  Once I explained we all were laughing.  It was
good to hear Nick laugh.

We headed away from downtown and towards what I guessed to
be Waikiki.  We crossed a small canal and unexpected turned
into the parking garage of a high-rise.

"We're here," Zane announced.

"I figured as much, since you parked the car and
everything," I replied sarcastically.

"Yeah, yeah."

Nick helped me out of the SUV and we walked a very short
distance to the lobby.  It was refined, with marble and huge
vases of flowers.  Zane said hello to the doorman and we got
to the elevator.  The short ride took us up to the condo.
It wasn't overly extravagant, but it did have an awesome
view of the ocean.

"You look tired," Nick said once I stopped staring at the
view and sat down on the couch.

"I am, I guess."

"Maybe you should take a nap," he said, sitting next to me.

"Not right now.  I've been since the accident.  I'm just
glad I'm not in a hospital any more."

"Me, too."

We sat there, not talking for a while.  Zane was buzzing
around, but he finally announced he was heading out to do
some work.  I was about to turn on the television but Nick
stopped me.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing," he said quietly.

He didn't say anything else but he reached over and
carefully pulled me into a hug.  For the first time since
before the accident I let myself go, falling into his arms.
I felt safe.

"I thought we were going to lose you," he whispered.

I felt a chill run down my spine, knowing I felt the same
about Drew.

To be continued.

More to come.  Send feedback to:  thack98@comcast.net