Date: Fri, 16 Jul 2004 01:19:12 +0000
From: thack98@comcast.net
Subject: What I Feel For You 146-151

The legal stuff: This is a sexually explicit story (at times) involving
homosexuality.  By continuing to read, you affirm under penalties of
perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are
entitled to have access to sexually explicit material.  The content and
opinions expressed in this story do not imply anything with regard to the
sexual preference of any member of 98 Degrees or other celebrities named
herein.  This is a work of fiction entirely.

I'm back.  Thanks for the emails.  They helped me get motivated to write
again.  This one is for Dan.  Ironically, earlier this month he and I were
in Hawaii, driving the same stretch of road where Drew and Alex had the
accident.  It wasn't as spooky as I thought it would be.  On with the show:

Scene 146

When I woke up I immediately wished I was back in my hospital bed.  It's
not that I wanted to be back in the hospital, but the position I was in
made me wanting that bed back.  I was sort of sprawled out on the couch.
My leg, still encumbered by the heavy cast, was propped up by some pillows
but I had managed to twist my upper body into a very uncomfortable
position.  I moaned a little as I tried to sit up.

I stretched as best I could and remembered falling asleep on the couch
while I was watching TV with Nick.  The TV was off and Nick was gone.  I
tried to get up but underestimated how weak I'd grown in the past weeks.  I
couldn't even lift my arms over my head.  I heard music down the hall.

"Nick?" I called out.

About 20 seconds later Zane came bounding through the door.

"What's up?"

"Oh, hi.  Nothing.  Just trying to figure out what's going on."

"Nick's at the hospital," he said, sitting down.

"Is something wrong?"

"No.  And we're past that stage so don't get yourself worked up, okay?"

"Yeah," I sighed.

"He went to see his brother.  Justin should be back soon."

Before I could respond Mr. Jeffre came through the front door.

"Correction.  Justin's back."

I laughed.

"Hey Chief!  I'm back from DW."

"Huh?  What's DW?"

"DW.  That's 'Drew Watch'.  Just something we came up with."  He paused.
"Don't worry about it.  He says hello."

"So he's talking?" Zane asked.

"Unfortunately.  You can't shut up the little guy," Justin laughed.  He
looked at me.  "He keeps asking about you."

"I was supposed to go see him with Nick," I frowned.

"Don't be mad.  Nick hasn't spent any time alone with Drew.  His mother
finally agreed that operation DW was officially over.  She went back to her
hotel.  She resisted it at first, but I organized a facial at the spa for
her.  She needs some rest.  And then I called Nick and let him know he
could hang out with Drew if he wanted.  The two of them haven't been able
to talk, yet."

"That's good, I guess."

"Listen," Justin said.  "I'll take you over there.  I didn't know how you
were feeling so I told Drew you probably weren't going to come until
tomorrow.  But, I'm certain he'll love seeing you."

"That sounds good."

I paused, not sure how to ask the next question.  Finally I decided that
I'd just do it.

"Zane, do you mind if I talk to Justin alone?"

"Oh, course not.  I'll be back in the office."

"What's up, Chief?" he asked when were alone.

"I have a favor to ask of you."

"What?"

"I do want to see Drew."

"I told you I'd take you."

"Well, good.  But, there's something else."  I paused again, feeling
foolishly nervous.

"What is it?"

"I smell."

The look on Justin's face was absolutely priceless.  I'm sure he was
expecting something very different to come out of my mouth.

"And I can't lift my hands over my head to take off my shirt.  Let alone
manage a shower with a full leg cast."

"Sure, Chief.  But I know Zane would help you if you're more comfortable
with him."

"Zane?" I said a little too loudly.  "I don't think so.  I don't need some
gay guy checking me out when I'm looking less than ideal."

Justin only laughed and helped me to my feet.  Nick had left my crutches
lying across the coffee table.  A combination of me leaning on Justin and
working one crutch got us to the master bedroom.

"Nick insisted you and young Lachey get the master bedroom.  For the
record, I did complain but Nick held firm."

I could see why Justin liked the room.  While the living room faced toward
the ocean, this bedroom faced the mountains.  The neighborhoods of Honolulu
weaved their way up into the foothills.  Above were towering peaks clouded
in mist and rain.  Right before me was a beautiful rainbow.

"Look," Justin cracked.  "A symbol of your people."

I couldn't help but bust out into laughter.  It struck me that I hadn't
laughed that hard in a very long time.  It felt good, despite the pain it
triggered from my injuries.

The next forty minutes were not the most pleasant.  It's not that I was
that uncomfortable undressing in front of Justin.  He was very cool about
things.  I was mostly self-conscious because I had lost so much muscle from
total lack of use.  I felt weak and I looked it, too.  I also was covered
in bruises and it was the first time I had seem the scars from the surgery.
That's a small price to pay for being alive, I realize but it was hard to
see there in the mirror.  I shuddered and wondered how Drew would react to
me looking this way.

During the process Justin had updated me on a lot of things.  First he
showed off the master bathroom.  Nick had hired a contractor to renovate
everything to make it accessible.  It had a bathtub and a roll-in shower in
case Drew would be coming home in a wheelchair.  The shower had a seat and
hand-held showerhead installed which made it fairly easy for me to shower
without getting my cast wet.  I did need Justin to help me but he took it
with ease.

When I asked to borrow some clothes he said he had taken care of that.
Apparently once both Drew and I were stable, he flew to the Big Island and
collected our things from the hotel room.  Since neither of us was
conscious at the time, no one wanted to risk having the hotel back things
up and find some incriminating evidence of our relationship.  I smiled and
told him about how I thought the concierge had already figured out Drew and
I were a couple but agreed it was best for everyone that things be kept
under wraps.

After spending three quarters of an hour in the bathroom with Justin I
finally felt clean for the first time since the accident.  He got me
dressed, showing me that collection of pants and shorts he'd purchased that
would accommodate my cast.

"I owe you," I said.

"Naw.  Just be happy."

With that, the conversation ended.  About ten minutes later we were heading
down the elevator to the parking garage to see Drew.  I leaned up against
the wall as Justin ran to get the car.  I could feel the blood draining
from my face when he pulled up.

"What?" he asked as he hopped out.  "You look like you've seen a ghost."

I stared at the Jeep.  It was a different color but otherwise it was the
same as the one I was in with Drew.  I felt my stomach churning and coughed
a little, feeling like I could hurl at any minute.

"What?  What's wrong?"

"I can't get in that, Justin.  I'm sorry."

I coughed again and closed my eyes.  Suddenly I flashed back to that night.
I shook my head, as if I were in a cartoon and quickly opened my eyes.  I
looked up at Justin and I could see the light bulb appear.

"Oh my God!"

I could only nod.

"None of us knew, Alex.  I swear to you.  I mean it was probably in some
report somewhere but none of us knew what kind of car it was."

"I'm sorry.  I'm being stupid," I said as I felt tears slide down my
cheeks.

"Not at all.  I don't even want to get in it any more.  Can you wait for a
second?  I can take Zane's car, if you don't mind messing up your hair.
It's a convertible."

I nodded.

Justin whipped out his cell phone and called Zane.  He asked him to bring
down the keys to his car.  He also asked Zane to return the Jeep and rent
something else.  Zane, of course, instantly agreed.

"Sorry," I said as we waited.

"Don't be."

"Is this what it's going to be like?  Am I going to freak out every time I
remember something from that night?  Am I not going to be able to eat
grilled chicken because that's what I had that night?  Am I going to lose
it every time I see a donkey?"

"No, no, and maybe," Justin said, trying not to laugh.

"What?" I said in a mixture of laughter and tears.

"Donkey?"

"That's what they think Drew was trying to avoid hitting.  A wild donkey."

"Sure, Jackson.  And every time you see a donkey...which I'm certain will
be happening on a daily basis, you're going to break into tears."

"Shut up," I said, now fully laughing at the situation.

"What's so funny?" Zane asked, suddenly appearing with the keys to the
convertible.

"Something donkey boy said," Justin replied.

"I know you've always wanted to give me a better nickname than 'Chief' but
'donkey boy' isn't it!"

"Okay," Justin finally relented.

In minutes we were gone.  Thank heaven for my friends.

Scene 147

I'm not sure why, but it seemed like I should knock before entering Drew's
hospital room.  I knew Nick was probably in there with him, but it just
didn't feel right walking in unannounced.  Besides, I was still hobbling
with my crutches and I wasn't sure how to open the door without falling
over.  Justin had dropped me off at the main entrance and told me to wait
until he parked Zane's car.  I, of course, decided to ignore his advice and
made my way upstairs to Drew's room alone.

I took a deep breath and sort of banged on the door with one of my
crutches.  I waited for a moment until Nick's face appeared in the small
window that was cut out of the door.  His smile beamed.

"Hey!" he said as he slid the door open and stepped into the hall.  "He's
feeling good tonight.  He'll be so happy to see you."

"Are you sure this is a good time?" I asked, feeling somewhat guilty that I
had interrupted Nick's time with his brother.

"It's a great time.  We were just talking about you."

Nick smiled brightly and ushered me into the room.  It was really only the
second time I had seen Drew since the accident.  His face had more color to
it then the day before and his wounds didn't look as scary.

"Alex!" he cried out.

The yell took his breath away and seconds later he began coughing.  Nick
moved past me and was at his brother's side.  I saw him grab Drew's hand.
Nick took some tissues and held them up to Drew's mouth.  For awhile I
thought that Drew was going to throw up but the coughing fit passed.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly.

"No," was all I could muster.

I sort of hopped my way across the room and sat down next to his bed.
Drew's eyes followed me.  He seemed a little puzzled.  Once I was seated,
he turned to Nick.

"Bro, do you mind if I talk to Alex alone?"

"No problem, little man.  I'll be right outside if you need me."

"By the way," I added.  "Justin's gonna be pissed that I didn't wait for
him downstairs.  Do something about that."

"Okay," Nick laughed.

Everything felt awkward once Nick left.  Drew and I were quiet for a very
long time.  In a sense, it felt as thought we were starting over.  It felt
like the first time we were alone, back in the hotel suite in Minneapolis
when we had our first fight.

"I love you," he said quietly.

"And I love you."

"So, what else do we need to talk about?"

I sighed.  I really wasn't sure how much I wanted to say.  I also wasn't
sure if Jeff's feelings toward me mattered right then.

"I'm not sure," I said finally.  "There's nothing like a near-death
experience to make the little things in life come into perspective.  But,
if I remember correctly, we were dealing with more than just `little
things'.  How do you feel about us?"

"I love you," was his reply.

"But..."

"Well, Leah and I are officially over.  I can't believe I was considering
doing that to you, Alex."  His voice was cracking but I wasn't sure if it
was because of the emotion or because of his strained vocal cords.  "I hope
you realize that I wasn't considering being with her.  It simply was for
the good of the group.  It was for the positive publicity we'd get out of
it."

"And that was okay with you?"

"No!" he said with a tear coming to his eye.  "I hated the idea of it.
There were a couple people in management that were really pressuring me
about it.  I don't think any of the other guys knew how much shit I was
being told.  I was afraid to say anything, especially once Jeff found out I
was considering it.  He was totally off the deep end for a time."

"He had my best interest at heart."

"True," Drew said.  "And that's a problem.  I should be the one that should
be looking out for you, not Jeff."

"You should be looking out for us," I said quietly.

There was a very long, very awkward silence.  Then he asked.

"Are you in love with Jeff?"

Scene 148

Drew blindsided me with his question.  Ultimately, it confirmed what I was
afraid to ask.  Drew must have heard Jeff.  Or, I thought that something in
Drew's subconscious was telling him that Jeff was a threat.

"Are you in love with Jeff?  Tell me," he said in almost a whisper.

"Where is this coming from, Drew?"

"Answer the question!"

His eyes looked like steel as he gazed up at me.  Suddenly, I had lost
control of the situation and felt very much on the defensive.

"I love Jeff.  But not like the way I love you, Drew.  I want to believe
that we're meant to be together.  I want to believe that everything we went
through wasn't in vain.  I'm just not sure I can believe it.  I don't know
if there's a happy ending around the corner for us or just more
heartbreak."

"Tell me what's been going on between you and Jeff."

I was trapped and I knew it.  I'm sure Drew didn't mean to put me in that
situation, but there was no way to win.  If I outed Jeff then I would be
betraying a trust.  It would have been like me telling Nick that Drew was
gay before Drew was ready.  I simply couldn't do that to Jeff.  On the
other side of the coin, I felt that Drew had the right to know certain
things about what had been going on.

"I can't," I said finally.

"What does that mean?" he said, sounding very accusatory.

"Where is this coming from?" I asked, sidestepping his question.  "What
makes you think I might be in love with him?"

"He told me."

I felt my jaw drop when he said it.

"He did?  When?"

Drew's eyes finally left mine.  He closed them for about 30 seconds.  When
he opened them he looked as though he was on the verge of tears.

"Before he left for LA he came to see me.  He told me what had happened
between you and him."

"Oh," was all I could muster.  All I could wonder was if Jeff had told Drew
he had kissed me.

"He told me what he had said to me the day I woke up.  And he told me that
he had feelings for you but that he wasn't going to pursue them.  I sat
here not really sure what to say.  He told me that he had wanted to be with
you for a long time now.  But, he also said that you had said no and that I
shouldn't be mad at you.  Then he said he couldn't stand the thought of
breaking us up."

"All those months," I said softly.

"What?"

"Well," I started.  "He spent all those months fighting you.  He was so
convinced that you didn't really belong with me.  There was even a time
when he thought you were purposely stringing me along.  I'm just not sure I
believe he'd just bow out so easily, Drew.  Something else must be going on
that he hasn't told us.  Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing.  Maybe I should
be going after him to make sure he's okay.  I feel like I'm letting him
down.  Imagine if I had abandoned you after you came out to me.  What kind
of person does that make me?"

"Don't do that to yourself!" he almost yelled.  Again, the strain on his
throat sent him into a coughing spell.  I struggled to stand up with my
broken leg and make sure he was okay.  It passed in a few moments.

"I can't help it," I said eventually.  "He's in a lot of pain right now.
He doesn't know what he's feeling.  We've actually talked ourselves in
circles.  I'm not convinced he's gay, Drew.  I know he loves me and I love
him back.  But, it's not a romantic love.  At least it's not for me.  I
think he just sees what you and I have and thinks it's something he wants.
He just wants to feel that kind of connection with someone.  Even in those
moments when I questioned if we should be together, I always knew I loved
you.  Despite our arguments I've always knew that much."

"So what happens now?"

"With Jeff?  Or with us?"

"Both," he said.

"I'm confused, Drew.  I mean I probably should talk to Jeff, but I wouldn't
know what to say.  Honestly it's not going to be what he wants to hear from
me.  I've been pretty consistent with my actions toward him so he's
probably not expecting a lot.  But, I'm sure having me say it again isn't
going to help.  He made a big leap the other day, Drew."

"I know," Drew smiled.  "He shocked the hell out of me."

"I bet."

"So what can we do for him?"

"I have an idea," I said.  "I'll call in some backup on this one."

"And us?"

"I think we need to make it work.  Or die trying."

The look on his face made me know he knew I wasn't joking.

"I love you, Alex."

Before I could respond I heard her voice from behind.

"And I love him, too."

I turned my head, startled because I thought we were alone.  She looked
down on both of us with approving eyes.

Scene 149

"Mom," Drew said.

"Hi, Cate."

I turned back to Drew.  He looked suddenly a little jumpy.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.  Then she laughed a little.  "I meant
that for both of you."

"I'm good.  Sore, but good," I responded.

"You're looking better, son."

"Thanks.  I don't feel it."

"I can tell you're getting better.  It's a mother's intuition.  Am I
interrupting anything?"

"No," Drew said.  "In fact, it's good that you're here."

I looked right into Drew's eyes and I knew what was coming.  I didn't try
to stop it and I didn't try to give him advice.  Chances are he knew
exactly what he needed to say.

"Mom, there's something you need to know."

Cate walked over to the opposite side of the bed.  She reached down and
held onto Drew's hand.  She glanced up at me momentarily, then looked down
at her son.

"I need you to know about Alex.  Obviously we've been through a lot
together.  It started out with Nick's accident.  After that we had Alex's
cancer scare to deal with.  And you know I haven't been very happy these
last few months.  The reason for that is Alex."

He sighed.  I wanted to say something, simply because I wasn't coming off
sounding too good, but I knew this was Drew's time to talk.

"I love him, mom."

"He is a Godsend to our family," she responded quickly.

"Mom, Alex and I are together We've been dating for some time now."  He
sighed again, taking several deep breaths.  I could see tears begin to
fall.  "Mom, I'm gay."

Cate squeezed Drew's hand tightly.  She leaned down and kissed her son on
the forehead.

"Andrew, I know."

"How?  Did Nick say something?"

"No, your brother never brought it up.  He wouldn't betray your confidence
like that.  I just knew," she smiled.  "I always suspected something, but
it wasn't until Alex became a part of the clan that I really knew."

"You knew about me and Alex?" he said with disbelief.

"Yes, dear.  You don't invite your travel manager to the house for
Christmas."

He grinned sheepishly and I felt myself blush as well.

"I couldn't be more proud to have you as a son, dear.  And, Alex," she said
as she reached across the bed and grabbed my hand, "You've been an amazing
friend to both my sons.  And to Jeff and Justin.  And to Jessica.  I can't
begin to tell you how proud I am to have you a part of our big family."

Now I had tears in my eyes, too.  This was how I always envisioned what
coming should be like.  It was those words I never heard from my own
mother.

"So, you really knew?" he asked.

"I told you Mike knew years before I came out to him, honey."

I blushed again when I said "honey" but Cate just squeezed my hand.

"Drew, maybe some day you'll have a son of your own.  I hope you do.
Because then you'll understand that it doesn't matter who he loves or what
he looks like or what he does.  You just love."

"But, when Alex came out to his mom she stopped talking to him."

Cate didn't say a word.  She stood up and walked around the foot of the
bed.  She reached around me from behind and hugged me.  She held onto me
for a long time and all along Drew was holding my hand.  I could feel my
tears streaming down my face.  I felt whole.

"I love both of you," she said when she finally let go.

We were quiet for a couple of minutes.  It was one of the most comforting
times I'd ever felt.  Then I saw Nick pop his head into the room.

"What's going on in here?" he asked, sensing something had happened.

"Mom knows now," Drew said.

"It's about time!  What did I tell you when you told me?" he chuckled.  "If
only had had listened to me all along!  Does that mean that you two are
back together, too?  Because I'm telling you both right now you need to get
over all of this shit!"

"Nick!" Cate laughed.

"Sorry, mom.  But it's shit!" he laughed back.

"Well, we're going to try to take your advice," I said.

"Good," Nick said.

I nodded.  It was good advice.

Scene 150

After Drew came out to his mom he decided he needed to call his step-father
and father and repeat the ritual.  Cate was excited that she would finally
be able to talk about Drew the way she wanted, as a proud mother.  It
turned out she was already a card-carrying member of PFLAG.  I wondered
whether she had told any of the other parents in Ohio that her sons were
half of 98 Degrees.

Nick was ready to leave so he left his mother and brother to the phones and
drove us back to the condo.

"I'm happy for you," he said in the car.

"Me, too," I grinned.  "I didn't think we'd ever get back to this point,
Nick.  I mean it was like we had all these obstacles to overcome.  And it's
not like everything is roses right now, but I think we will be able to make
it work.  It's been tough."

"Yeah, I know buddy."

"But, you know," I started, "what's good for the goose is good for the
gander."

"Huh?" he said as we waited at a stoplight.

"Um, I think I need to try another analogy.  I just called myself a goose."

"What are you talking about?" he laughed as he hit the gas.

"Okay, Nick.  What I mean is that if Drew and I can make it work, doesn't
that mean you and Jessica can do it, too?"

"Ah, I was wondering how long it would take you to get to that one."

"Well, I'm at that point so start explaining."

"Nothing much to say.  We are back together," he said, quite
matter-of-fact.

"What?"

He started laughing.

"Don't get mad," he replied when he saw the scowl cross my face.  "It's
relatively recent news."

"How recent?"

"Let's just say that if Drew hadn't have had his coming out party I would
have been celebrating with everyone instead."

"Aww."

"Nope.  It's all good.  Today was important for him.  This is his day.
I'll tell everyone tomorrow."

"How did it happen?"

"I got fed up with watching people I love get hurt.  Myself included.  Drew
had told me that he was going to try to patch things up with you.  It just
seemed like the right thing for you and him.  And it seemed like the right
thing for me and Jess.  So, when I left Drew's room tonight I called Jess
up and asked her to marry me."

"Whoa!"

"I know, right.  But I decided that life is short and I wanted to spend it
with the woman I love."

"That's awesome, Nicky!  Oh, she said yes, didn't she?"

"Dork!  Of course she did.  Look at who asked her."

We held a straight face for about 15 seconds before bursting into laughter.

"Nice, Lachey."

We joked and laughed until we got back to the condo.  Nick swore me to
secrecy and then went into his bedroom to call his betrothed.  I grabbed
the nearest cell phone and called up an old number.

"Hey, what are you doing this weekend?"

Scene 151

"I just got home!" he protested over the phone.

"I know, Mike, but I don't have anyone else to call.  You don't have any
clients this weekend, do you?"

"No."

"One night, Mike.  You'll fly in Friday night and leave Saturday.  And I'll
get you in first class, I promise."

"That's not the point and you know it, Alex."

"I have no one else to ask," I pleaded.  "As far as I know, the only people
that know are you, Drew and me.  Drew is still in the hospital and I don't
think Jeff wants to see me right now.  He didn't say goodbye, after all."

"What makes you think that Jeff will see me?" Mike asked.

"I just think he will.  I saw how you reacted when he came out.  You
probably don't realize how important that hug was."

"It was just a hug, Alex."

"See.  It's not just a hug when you come out.  It's the link to being a
real person that deserves to be loved.  Ugh!  Now I'm sounding like
Dr. Phil."

"Who?"

"You are so straight," I laughed.

"So?"

"So what?  So you'll do it?"

"Have I ever said `no' to you?"

I grinned and knew I had him.  I promised to email him the flight details
and, of course, I thanked him.

Even after Mike agreed to go to LA to check on Jeff, I wasn't certain it
was the right thing to do.  I was torn.  Part of me wanted to go and check
on him myself, but I just felt like it was going to be too hard on Jeff.
That's what I thought at the time, anyway.  Looking back, I realized I
wasn't prepared to face him then.  I was concerned that my relationship
with Drew was still too vulnerable to stand any extended absence.  Drew
also needed me around.  So, Mike was the obvious choice.

I thought for a bit about Justin, Nick, or even Jessica.  After all, all
three of them knew Jeff much better than Mike.  Justin, as lovable as he
is, is not the most reliable person.  If I had asked him to check on Jeff
he would have flown to LA and eventually gotten around to seeing him.  It's
not that Justin doesn't care, but he didn't know what was happening with
Jeff and I couldn't tell him.

Nick was a likely candidate.  They were best friends, after all.  But, it
struck me that Jeff hadn't come out to his best friend.  At least, I wasn't
sure if Jeff had or not and that's not the kind of question you can ask.
If I had asked Nick to check on Jeff, his first response would be to ask
why. Since I didn't know if Jeff had told Nick anything, that wasn't a
question I was prepared to answer.

I also thought about Jess.  Ultimately, she was out because I simply had no
concept of where in the world she was.  It also bothered me that she hadn't
called me since before the accident.  That's what happened with us when I
went through the cancer scare.

"What's going on?"

Zane's voice interrupted my thoughts and brought me back to the present.
It seemed as if I had been sitting in the living room thinking for a long
time.  I glanced out the window and realized it was dark.

"Nothing much," I responded.

He looked back at me and I smiled slightly.  I hadn't even thought of Zane.
But, that seemed to be the way Zane operated.  He flew under the radar.
That said, Mike was my man.

"Nick told me the good news."

"He did?"

"Of course," Zane said with a strange look on his face.

"Hmm," was all I could muster.  I thought it was odd that Nick would tell
Zane about his engagement.

"Yeah," Zane said.  "It's not every day his brother comes out to his mom."

"Oh, that!"

"What did you think I meant?"

"Nothing," I laughed, knowing that the next day would be filled with more
good news.

To be continued...

Yeah, I know I've upset the "Alex and Jeff" contingent but it just had to
be this way.  Feel free to tell me what you think at thack98@comcast.net.