Date: Mon, 29 Apr 2002 01:00:33 -0400
From: Thack <thack98@mindspring.com>
Subject: What I Feel For You 22-25

The legal stuff:  This story is sexually-explicit, involving homosexuality.
Do not continue if this will offend you. If accessing this story causes you
to break local laws (village, town, city, county, province, state, or
country, etc.), please leave now.  By continuing, you implicitly declare and
affirm under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company
of a minor and are entitled to have access to sexually-explicit material.
The content and opinions expressed in this story do not imply anything with
regards to the sexual preference of any member of 98 Degrees or any other
celebrities named herein.  It is a work of fiction entirely.

I hope you guys are enjoying the story.  I know it took forever for Alex and
Drew to get together, but I'm trying to be somewhat realistic.  Anyone
looking for a bedroom scene will have to wait for awhile.  There are a lot
of twists and turns coming up.

Let me know what you think.  Email me at: thack98@mindspring.com

Thack


Scene 22


Nick was obviously surprised to see Drew and me together.  I quickly looked
over at Drew and I saw panic in his eyes.  Right then I knew that Drew was
terrified to tell his brother that he was gay.  Drew's eyes pleaded with me
to do something.

Both Nick and I started to speak at the same time.  I was worried he was
about to ask Drew what he was doing with me so I just kept talking.  "Where
are you going?" I asked Nick as we got off the elevator.

"I'm going out to get something to eat.  I was trying to write but it's
just not happening tonight.  I can't seem to focus on anything."  He paused
as Drew and I stepped out of the elevator.  "Hey!  Jeff told me he set you
up on a date.  What gives?" he said, looking at Drew.

Drew just stood there, almost paralyzed.  If he wasn't going to talk, I
hoped he would at least be able to follow my lead.

"I did have a date," I said, "and it was a great evening.  He had to get up
early so we decided to call it a night.  I was walking home from Rock
Bottom, that restaurant over on Hennepin Avenue and I ran into Drew."

I was a little surprised when Drew spoke.  "I suggested he come up here and
tell Jeff how things went before we leave tomorrow."

"Jeff went out," Nick said.

Nick looked like he was buying the story Drew and I were fabricating.  I've
never been a very good liar but I knew the stakes were high right then.  I
didn't want to lie to Nick but I didn't feel like I had a choice.  I could
either break Drew's trust or lie to Nick so I chose the lesser of two
evils.

There was an awkward silence.  Nick broke it.  "So, are you two okay now?"

I knew he was talking about the fighting going on between Drew and me but
there was another way to interpret his words.

"I hope so," Drew said.  "I apologized about six times to Alex."

"I just misunderstood Drew," I said to Nick.  "I was making a lot of
assumptions about him that weren't true.  I'm not very proud of that."

Nick smiled.  "I told you my brother wasn't like that."

"I know," I said.  Looking over at Drew I could see him getting a little
embarrassed.  It was almost like Nick and I were talking about him as if he
weren't standing next to us.  "If Jeff isn't here, I should probably get
home.  I have to be back here tomorrow for work."

"Okay, Alex," Drew said.  "I'm glad we worked things out.  I didn't want to
leave with you thinking I didn't like you."

I smiled at the double entendre of his statement.

"Will I see you guys tomorrow?"

"I think so," Nick said.  "We have a radio gig in the morning but we should
be back here before we leave.  Just in case, though, get over here."

Before I realized it Nick was pulling me into a hug.  I felt badly for
lying to him about Drew because I really liked Nick.  He was a very genuine
guy and I appreciated everything he had done for me.

Once Nick released me from the hug I looked over at Drew.  He and I both
knew we couldn't hug for fear of raising suspicion in Nick.  After all, to
Nick we had just reconciled a fairly real hatred just moments before
running into him.  Drew and I settled for a handshake.  I was happy to be
able to touch him again.

"Well, goodnight," I said, pressing the elevator button.

Just as I was about to get on the elevator, Nick spoke.  "Alex, who did you
go out with?  What was his name?"

This time I was the one who was paralyzed.  My mind tried to come up with a
name but I just couldn't think.

Drew looked at me and grinned ever so slightly.  "Andy," he said.  "His
name is Andy."


Scene 23


I was in my office the following morning working on a rate analysis when my
phone rang.

"Mr. Timmons is here to see you," the woman from the Front Desk announced.

"Can you send him back?"

Moments later Jeff was standing in my doorway.

"Come in, Mr. Timmons," I laughed.

"Huh?"

"Never mind," I said.  I half expected to see the other guys with him.  At
the very least, I expected Drew.  "Are you alone?"

"Yeah, I am.  Sorry," he said with sincerity.  "We're leaving in a couple
of minutes.  Justin overslept so he is frantically packing.  Nick set up a
radio appearance this morning and he dragged Drew along.  I'm afraid they
won't be coming back here before our flight."

My heart sank a little.  I really wanted to see Drew so I could say
goodbye.  We both said a lot to each other the previous night and I just
wanted to get a sense of closure.  I was also hoping to say goodbye to
Nick, too.

"What are you thinking, Alex?"

"What?"

"You've been sitting there for about a minute now," Jeff said, "and you
haven't spoken."

I sighed.  "I guess I don't want to say goodbye.  I gotten used to having
you guys around and it will be strange not being able to talk to you.  As
far as Drew is concerned, I really like him, Jeff.  But it just wasn't
meant to be.  The timing kind of sucks."

"Wait a minute!" Jeff said.  "What are you saying?  You're not getting rid
of me, or any of us for that matter, that easily."

I smiled at Jeff, thankful for his words.

"It may have been an unorthodox way of becoming friends, but I think you're
a pretty awesome guy, Alex.  I can tell you're not caught up in all the
fame that surrounds us."

"I try not to."

"Here," Jeff said handing me a card.  "It's my cell phone number.  You can
call me any time."

"Thanks.  You know how to find me, right?"

"Yeah, I do.  I'm sure Drew is looking forward to talking to you, too.  He
felt awful about not being able to see you but he didn't want to raise any
suspicions in Nick by not going with him to the radio station.  You should
call him this afternoon.  I think we get into LA around two"

"I can't call him.  He didn't give me his phone number."

"Here," Jeff said, reaching out to take the card he'd given me, "I'll write
down his cell number for you.

"No!" I said a little too vehemently.  "If he wanted me to have it he would
have given it to me.  I don't want to screw this up, Jeff.  You know I'm
not very experienced at any of this.  Plus, he's dealing with a lot right
now and I don't want to put any additional pressure on him."

"Alex, I don't think he'd mind.  Drew was waiting for me last night.  Once
I got back he grabbed me and we talked for about two hours.  Mostly about
you."  He grinned at me.  "He told me that you and him really connected
last night.  He said he hasn't felt that comfortable around anyone for a
long time."

I wasn't really surprised by what Jeff was telling me, but I still didn't
know what to say.  I felt the same way about Drew.  I'd never really had
very good relationships with other gay men before but something about Drew
made it different.

"Alex," Jeff said quietly.  "I really think he wants to be with you."

"I don't know, Jeff."

"Friends then?  I know he could use you as a friend."

"I'd like that," I said.

"Good.  Listen, I have to run upstairs and check on Justin.  If we don't
get to the airport on time Drew will skin me alive.  I'll call by next
week, okay?"

Jeff stood up and walked around the side of my desk.  As I stood up he
pulled me into a hug.  I felt my eyes starting to water.  I didn't want to
say goodbye and I knew I was about to start crying.

"I have two things for you," Jeff said.

He stepped back, reached into his pocket and pulled out a small envelope.
He handed it to me and then leaned in and kissed me on the check.  Somewhat
surprised, I looked up and saw him smiling at me.

"Both from Drew."

He turned quickly and walked out the door, leaving me standing there with
the envelope.  I opened it up and read Drew's words.

"Dear Alex," it began.  "I'm sorry I couldn't see you in person to say
goodbye.  Nick wanted me to go to this radio gig this morning and I
couldn't get out of it.  I know you don't understand why I can't tell him,
but I just can't.  Thanks for covering for me last night.  I'm sorry I made
you lie for me.  I wrote my cell phone number down.  Please call me
anytime, okay?  I promise you that we will see each other again, if that's
okay with you."

At the end of the note were his signature and his phone number.  I read the
note about five or six times, wishing he was there so I could tell him I
wanted to see him again, too.  I felt the tears start to flow as I held the
note against my chest.


Scene 24


"You're a bastard!" I said.

"You love it."

I shook my head in disbelief, knowing he was right.

"Come on!  One more set and you're done with shoulders."

Mike was standing behind me as I was doing my last set of dumbbell shoulder
presses.  By the seventh rep I could feel my muscles giving out on me.
Mike grabbed my wrists and helped me finish the last three reps.

"You're just mad at me because I didn't call you last night after my date,"
I said as he took the weights from me.

"I thought maybe you.well, you know," he said with a grin.

"No, I wasn't ready for that and neither was Drew."

"Drew?" Mike asked.  "You mean our Drew."

"The very one," I said laughing.

"No shit!"

"None whatsoever," I replied.

"Damn, I never saw that one coming.  I thought I was good at that gaydar
thing."

"Well, you're far better at it than I am.  I have a problem with that, by
the way.  Seriously, though, I asked Drew if I could tell you and he said
yes.  But, for obvious reasons this has to stay between you and me."

"That goes without saying, Alex."

"I know, but I still needed to say it."

Mike pulled up a weight bench and sat next to me.  He lowered his voice
slightly so no one around us could hear him.

"So, what happened?"

"I'll give you the abridged version," I began.  "He showed up to meet me
and I assumed he was there to cause trouble so I starting going off on him.
Once I figured out what was going on I felt pretty awful.  We ended up
going back to my place and I cooked for him."

"Is he okay?" Mike deadpanned.

"Oh, yeah," I laughed.  "And you're Wolfgang Puck in the kitchen."

"Point taken."

"After dinner we got into a pretty heavy conversation.  I think Drew was
telling me things he probably had never told anyone else.  And then I
almost kissed him."

"Almost?" Mike asked.

"Unfortunately."

Mike reached out and put his hand on my arm, giving it a squeeze.  "I know
that kiss was important to you."

"Yeah," I responded.  "I'm 26 years old and I've never kissed a man before.
How pathetic is that?"

"Damn it, Alex!" Mike said loudly.  Several people around us glanced over.
Mike lowered his voice.  "How many times do I have to tell you to stop
doing that?  You can't go around living your life by other people's
standards.  What's right for other people is not necessarily right for
you."

As I let his words sink in I realized I was staring down at the ground.  I
looked up at him and saw concern on his face.

"I know you're right," I said softly.  "What would I do without you?"

"You'd do just fine."

Mike stood up and I followed him over to another machine to do some triceps
exercises.

"So what happens now?" Mike asked me.

"I don't know," I said.  "They left this morning.  I'd like to try to keep
in touch but I just don't think anything is going to happen between Drew
and me."

"Why not?"

"Well, he has a lot of things to figure out.  He hasn't been out for very
long and I just don't know if it's a good idea to try to start a
relationship with him right now.  He hasn't even come out to Nick."

"That makes no sense to me," Mike said.  "I thought Nick was okay with
having you around."

"He is," I said.  "In fact, Nick went out of his way to be a friend when he
found out that Drew and I were fighting in the beginning.  Drew is
convinced that Nick won't accept him.  I guess their cousin is gay and Nick
didn't take it too well.  I don't know the full story on that."

"So you're not going to pursue anything?"

"Well," I said hesitantly.  "Drew left me a note this morning saying he
wanted to see me again.  Actually he said he wants to see me soon.  I think
I might try to call him tonight."

"You think?" Mike asked.

"Yeah, I think so."

"You think?" he asked again.

"Okay, okay.  I get it," I laughed.  "I'll be calling Drew tonight."

"That's what I wanted to hear."


Scene 25


I got home that night, jumped in the shower, and cleaned up.  I made dinner
but I couldn't really eat much.  I was too nervous thinking about calling
Drew.  I sat down and watched the soaps I tape each day, all the while
thinking of him.

I tried to rationalize the situation.  Drew had only been out for less than
a year.  I knew he had to be going through some pretty tough times.  After
all, he still wasn't able to come out to his brother; the one person that I
thought would never dessert him.  As I was sitting there, I realized the TV
was still on.  I grabbed the remote and shut it off.  Sitting in the silent
room, I stared out at the lights of the city.

I started thinking about that first year after I came out.  I knew that
what I went through wasn't the same thing as what he was experiencing; but,
at the same time, I shuddered to think of the pain I was in at the time.
My defense mechanisms kicked in.  I felt bad for thinking it, but it still
came into my mind.  "Did I really want to be around Drew when he was going
through all of that?"

Suddenly, I felt very guilty.  How could I think that?  Where would I be if
people hadn't supported me when I was so low?  "Dead," I said out loud to
the empty room.  "I'd probably be dead."

I picked up the phone and dialed Drew's number.  I didn't need to find it
because I'd already committed it to memory, even though I'd never called
him.  I had memorized every word of the note he had left me, simply by
staring at it all day at work.

It was pretty late and I was hoping for his voicemail.  This was one of the
first times I'd ever gone into a serious conversation without having some
kind of script.  I had no idea what I was going to say.

"Hello?"

Immediately, panic struck.  It seemed as though the power of speech was
suddenly taken from me.

"Alex, say something.  I know it's you," Drew laughed.  "I've got caller ID
on this phone."

"Drew," I stammered.

"I'm glad you called."

"You are?"

"Of course.  I really didn't know how we left things last night.  I'm
really sorry I didn't get a chance to say goodbye."

"Me, too.  Thanks for the note."

"I tried to get out of the radio gig so I could say goodbye, but I couldn't
figure out a way without tipping Nick off to what was happening."

"I understand," I said.

"Thanks for being so supportive.  I know it wasn't right to ask you to lie
to Nick like that.  I'm sorry."

"I just don't understand why you can't tell him."

There was silence at the other end of the line.

"Drew," I said, "I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have said that."

"No,' he said.  "That's a perfectly legitimate question.  But, I just don't
have the energy to get into that tonight.  Okay?"

"Okay."

"Alex?"

"Yeah."

"What did you think of our date?"

"Do you want to know the truth?" I asked.

"Of course."

"Well, I thought it was pretty wonderful.  Not your typical dinner and a
movie date but pretty good, nonetheless."

Drew laughed.  "You're right about that.  It started out with a fight but
it ended up pretty good.  Except for Nick."

"We both shared a lot," I said, trying not to talk about Nick for Drew's
sake.  "Like I told you, I'd never said all of that out loud at one time."

"And I've never talked about being gay to someone else who is actually gay.
It kind of makes it easier.  Jeff is wonderful and I owe him a lot but it's
not the same as talking to you.  He's just too straight."

"Don't I know it," I said laughing, thinking of my ineffective gaydar.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing," I said.

"So, do you think you'll want to see me again?" he asked.

I really wasn't prepared to answer that question.  After he left I honestly
didn't entertain any notions of seeing him or any of the guys again,
despite Jeff's promise otherwise.  I figured we would probably stay in
touch for a couple of months and then lose track; like someone from work
who leaves town.  I was afraid to think about a second date with Drew
because I was afraid I would be the one who would get hurt.  My defense
mechanism was well developed when it came to protecting my heart.

"I don't know," I responded.

"Oh."

"It's not that I don't want to see you again, Drew.  It's just that I'm not
sure we should start something that can't continue.  It's not good for
either of us.  How practical is it to think we could date when you are
always on the road?"

I waited for Drew to say something but all I could hear was his soft
breathing.

"I'm here for you," I continued.  "I know you don't really have very many
people to talk to.  You can call me anytime, okay?"

"Yeah, sure."

A very awkward silence fell.

"Listen," he said, finally.  "It's late here and I need to get to bed.
Thanks for the call.  Goodbye, Alex."

Before I could say another word I heard him hang up.  As hard as I tried, I
couldn't stop my tears from falling.  All I could think about was Drew.  I
knew he was somewhere crying just like me but I didn't even know where he
was.

"I'm sorry, Drew," I said out loud as I hung up the phone.  "I'm sorry."


To be continued.

Send feedback to: thack98@mindspring.com