Date: Sat, 1 Jun 2002 00:54:54 -0400
From: Thack <thack98@mindspring.com>
Subject: What I Feel For You 43-51

If you've gotten this far, I'm going to assume that you're not breaking any
laws by reading this.  So...if you are under age, stop now and visit an
educational site.  Any questions?  If so, please read the disclaimer on the
first installments.  Also, remember this is fiction.

It seems to have taken me forever to get this out.  What can I say?  It's a
little writer's block.  Plus, I had an interview for a promotion at work.
And...I had lasik eye surgery.  (No more glasses for me!!!)

The general consensus is that people like the story.  I can't tell you how
good that makes me feel.  This installment is the first half of a long
sequence that happens in Vegas.  Keep your eyes open for a couple of
characters that will forever change the course of Alex and Drew's
relationship.

Special thanks to Jase.  I will always be there for you.  Remember I love
you.

Take care and be good,

-Thack


Scene 43


I was flipping through the channels on the TV when the phone rang.  I knew
it was Drew, but I really didn't want to talk to him.  I had only been home
for a couple of hours.  That afternoon he had called my answering machine
and left his message.  He had told me that he loved me and those words were
all I could think of since I had heard them.  I didn't know what I was
going to say to him.

"Hello?"

"Hi.  It's Drew."

There were a few moments of awkward silence.  Once Drew figured out I
wasn't going to say anything, he tried to continue.

"So, how was the flight?"

"Fine," I said.

"Okay," he said hesitantly, obviously unsure about my reaction to his
message.  "Look, I'm calling about our schedule.  Do you want to talk?"

"Sure," I said, trying to sound enthusiastic.

"Well, we'll be in Las Vegas in two weeks.  It's over a weekend so I
thought it would be perfect.  You could fly out Friday night and come back
on Sunday afternoon.  That way, you wouldn't have to miss any work.  We
have a radio gig on that Friday night but we're free the rest of the
weekend."

Despite my uncertainty with Drew right then, the thought of seeing him
sounded great.

"That sounds good," I said smiling.

"Really?" Drew asked, sounding like a teenager who had just asked out his
latest crush.

"Yeah, really."

"I wasn't sure you would want to visit me," he said.  "After what I."

His voice trailed off, unable to complete the sentence.

"Do you really feel that way?" I asked.

"Yes, I do.  At least I think that's what I feel.  The only other person
I've ever felt anything like this before is Lea."  He paused.  "I shouldn't
have said it."

"No!" I responded.  "I think it's great that you are saying what you feel.
I just don't know what I'm feeling, Drew.  It seems like everything is
going so fast.  I'm not sure how to deal with it.  All I can tell you is
that what I feel for you is something I've never felt about anyone before.
I just can't tell if it's love."

"Oh," Drew said.  In his one word response, I could hear his
disappointment.

I didn't know what else to say.  All I could think of was Mike.  At the
airport he had told me I was in love with Drew.  Part of me thought he
might be right.  The emotional and somewhat irrational side of me wanted to
confess my love to Drew.  But my head won out, as it usually does.  My
instincts told me to protect myself.  After all, I really didn't know Drew
very well and we had only kissed a couple of times.  It was all too much
too fast and I didn't know how to handle it.

"I totally freaked you out, didn't I?" Drew asked.

"Not totally," I laughed, trying to lighten the mood.

"I won't say it again."

"No!  That's not what I'm saying.  I just need a little more time to figure
out what I'm feeling.  I just hope you can understand that I'm not ready to
say something like that to you.  It was a great thing to hear, Drew.  But,
I feel badly because I don't know if I feel the same way."

"Please don't feel that way, Alex.  I didn't tell you to make you feel bad.
If you're not ready to say it, that's fine.  In fact, if you never feel
that way I'd understand.  I hope that's not the case but I didn't tell you
just so I could force you to say it back."

"Oh," I replied, feeling a bit uncomfortable.

"Look, Alex.  After what I went through with Nick this weekend, I sort of
made my mind up about something.  As we were driving to Tampa today all I
could think about was how different things would have been if I was just
honest with everyone, especially myself.  I made up my mind that I am going
to tell people what I'm feeling.  I know it's not going to happen over
night and I'm not planning on coming out to everyone I meet, but I need to
start somewhere.  The first person I thought of was you."

"Why me?"

"Because you were honest with my from the start.  Even when you were so
hostile to me in the beginning.  I hated having you angry at me but you
were being honest with me and I admired that a lot."

"Drew," I interrupted.  "You're giving me way too much credit.  How I
reacted around you was out of character for me.  I am usually the most
non-confrontational person on the face of the planet."

"That's not how I see you.  To me, you are this courageous guy who isn't
afraid to put himself on the line for what he thinks.  That's probably one
of the reasons why I feel the way I do about you."  He paused and took a
deep breath.  "This is stupid, Alex.  Here I am talking to you about how I
feel and yet I haven't said it once."

"Said what?" I questioned.

"That I love you."

I froze.  At that moment, it was impossible for me to speak.  Drew must
have sensed what I was thinking.

"You don't have saw anything, Alex.  I just wanted to say it out loud.  I
wanted to say it to you and not to your answering machine."

"Thank you," I said when I was finally able to speak.

"That's from my heart," he said.

We talked for a couple more minutes, although not about anything important.
After we hung up I sat there, somewhat stunned.  My mind was reeling.  Here
I had an amazing man telling me he was in love with me and I didn't know
how to respond.  Hundreds of thousands of people would have killed to be in
my position and yet I was too scared to act.  I had been alone for so long.
I was terrified of staying lonely but I was just as scared to make any form
of commitment.  I just didn't want to get hurt.

That night I was lying in my bed, trying to fall asleep.  I reached over
and grabbed an extra pillow, clutching it to my chest.  I feel asleep
wishing I were holding Drew.


Scene 44


It was Thursday night and I hadn't talked to Drew since that Monday.  My
weekdays were pretty hectic and by the time I got home from the gym it was
pretty late.  Since I never knew what time zone the guys were in, I didn't
like to call late at night.  I knew they probably turned off their cell
phones at night, but I didn't want to take the chance of waking any of them
up.

In all honesty, I was also avoiding talking to Drew.  Mike had told me I
was being stupid.  He told me to just suck it up and tell Drew the truth.
It seemed that Drew was pretty much the only topic of conversation between
Mike and me.  Mike was convinced Drew and I were made for each other.

"Don't be afraid of this, Alex," Mike had told me.

It was late on Thursday night when the phone rang.  I glanced down at my
caller ID and recognized Drew's number.

"Hey, Drew," I answered.

"Hey, but it's Nick, actually."

"Nick!  What are you doing on Drew's phone?"

"Well, my battery is about dead.  It's easier, anyway.  You're on his speed
dial."

I grinned when Nick told me that.

"So," I asked, "is it any better between you and him?"

"I can tell he is really uncomfortable around me.  I try to spend time with
him but he finds reasons to get out of it.  I just want my brother back,
Alex."

"Give it time."

"I know," Nick sighed.  "But, that's not why I called, actually.  We're at
home staying with my dad, here in Cincinnati.  I went to our family doctor
today.  I've known him all my life and I really trust him.  I told him
about the accident at the hotel and he insisted that I get an HIV test."

"Really?  Why?" I asked, puzzled.

"You don't remember much about what happened, do you?"

"All I really remember is Jeff's fist flying at me and I remember the
hospital.  That's all."

"Well," Nick continued.  "There was a lot of blood.  We both were bleeding
a lot and when you were knocked out, you landed right on top of me.  My
doctor is concerned that you may have bleed into my wounds."

"But, Nick."

"I know what you are going to say, Alex.  I know that unless you've had a
blood transfusion, you can't have HIV."

"I've never had a transfusion, so you don't have anything to worry about,
Nick."

"I'm not worried," he said.  "But I think I really screwed up."

"What is it?" I asked.

"I was an idiot."

"So, what's new?" I joked.

"No!" he cut me off.  "I'm serious.  I called Jeff tonight and I told him
what the doctor wanted.  Then I remembered that you had asked me not to
tell Jeff that you've never been with a man before."  He paused.  "I never
would tell him that, Alex.  I swear.  But now if you don't get tested he
will know something is up.  I'm so sorry.  I really fucked up."

"It's okay, Nick.  Really.  It's not worth getting this upset over.  I'm
not fond of needles but I think I can get through one blood test."

"I can get everything set up confidential if you want."

"No," I said.  "My doctor is cool.  I'll give her a call tomorrow and I'm
sure she can fit me in right away."

"Okay.  I'm sorry, Alex."

I felt a chill run down my spine.  It struck me that one event could put my
entire life in jeopardy.

"Nick?  Do I have anything to be worried about?  I mean, maybe some of your
blood got on me."

"You can relax," Nick assured me.  "I'll get tested, too.  But, I got
tested right before I met Jess so I have a clean bill of health."

"Good.  Then neither of us needs to worry."

"Right.  I'll let you go now, Alex.  I'll talk to you soon.  Do you want to
talk to Drew?  He's around here somewhere.  I'm sure I can find him."

"No," I said a little too quickly.  "Don't bother him."

"Wait a minute.  What's going on, Alex?  Jeff told me he walked in on the
two of you in Florida.  Drew hasn't been the most forthright with
information lately but I thought things were going well between you two.
Did you have a fight with him?"

"Not exactly."

I stopped for a moment and contemplated telling Nick what was going on.  I
thought maybe he could help me sort out my feeling.  After all, he was
deeply in love with someone so maybe he had some answers.

"What do you mean 'not exactly'?" he asked.

"Nick, I don't want to put you in the middle of this."

"Well," he said.  "First off, that's pretty much inevitable.  If I'm going
to be friends with you and a real brother to Drew, I'm going to be in the
middle of whatever happens.  That's not something for you to worry about.
Second and more importantly, as of right now he's not letting me be much of
a brother to him so technically I'm not in the middle of anything.  If you
want to talk, I'm here to listen.  Anything you say is just between you and
me."

"I know that, Nick.  And I appreciate it.  I just don't know what I'm
feeling."

Nick waited for me to continue.  I almost told him it was nothing but then
I remembered Drew's pledge to be honest with people.  It seemed like the
right thing to do.

"Drew told me that he loves me," I said.

"Wow!  Drew was with Lea for years and it took a long time for him to say
that.  It must have caught you off guard."

"That's the understatement of the year," I laughed.  "I didn't really know
how to react.  I still don't.  As a result I've been avoiding him since
Monday."

"Well, do you have any idea how you feel about him?" Nick asked.

"This is just so new for me, Nick.  I don't know.  I mean, I've felt things
for other guys before, but never with someone who had similar feelings for
me.  It scares the shit out of me."

"That sounds about right," he chuckled.  "Love is a pretty monumental
thing.  It can be the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to
you."

"That's just it.  I'm terrified of getting hurt.  And on top of it, I just
don't know if what I'm feeling is love."

"So do you want my advice?"

"Shoot."

"I'll tell you something a good friend of mine said."

"What's that?" I asked.

"Give it time."

I was glad I was on the phone because Nick couldn't see me rolling my eyes.
I had to laugh when he used the very same words I had said to him just
minutes before.

"Very funny," I said sarcastically.

"It's true."

"I know," I said seriously.

"Do you want to talk to him?" Nick asked.

"No," I answered.  "Not tonight.  Let me try to figure some stuff out.
Thanks, though."

"Any time, Alex.  I mean that."

"I know you do.  I might take you up on that soon."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Nick."


Scene 45


"Can I speak to Mr. Jackson?"

"Speaking," I said.

"This is Dr. Fisher's office calling with your test results."

"Hold on a second," I said.  "Let me shut the door."

I put the phone down and walked across my small office at the hotel to shut
the door.  Even though I knew the results of the test already, some small
part of me expected the worst.

"Okay, I'm back."

Just as I expected, the nurse told me that the HIV test was negative.
While I was having my blood drawn, my doctor suggested a full blood workup
just to try to catch anything out of the ordinary.  Apparently those
results weren't in yet but it was all a mere formality anyway since I was
in great health.

"We will call back next week when those lab reports come in," the nurse
said.

"Okay, thanks for calling."

As I hung up the phone I couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief.  I had
to search for a while but I finally found his number.

"Hey, Nick.  It's Alex."

"What's going on up there?  Are you at work?"

"Yeah, I am.  I just got the test results so I thought I'd give you a
call."

"And."

"And everything's fine," I said.  "I have to admit, though, that I was
pretty relieved to get the good news.  Intellectually I knew I couldn't
have HIV but my gut wasn't so sure.  That probably sounds kind of stupid,
doesn't it?"

"Not at all, Alex.  When you go through something like this it's hard not
to think about how everything would change.  I'm supposed to hear today,
too.  You know, hang on, let me call.  Here, talk to Drew."

Before I could respond I heard Nick pass the phone to his brother.  I
imagined the slight smirk on Nick's face, obviously proud that he was
getting me to talk to Drew.

"Alex?" Drew asked.  He sounded a bit confused.

"Yeah, it's me.  Where are you guys?"

"We're in LA meeting with some of the record company execs."

"Can I say hi to Jeff?" I asked.

"No you can't.  He's not here.  He's spending some time with his family.
And before you ask, Justin is out with some friends."  I heard the
disappointment in Drew's voice.  "I guess you don't want to talk to me."

"Drew!  Don't say that.  It's not that I don't want to talk to you.
Frankly I just don't know what to say."

"I told you last week that you don't have to say anything.  I never meant
to this such a big deal.  I'm sorry."  Drew suddenly realized how loud he
was talking and stopped.  In a quieter tone he asked, "Are you still going
to come to Vegas this weekend?"

I had been thinking about the trip ever since he invited me.  More than
anything I wanted to see him and spend time with him.  But deep down, I was
terrified of what I'd say to him when I saw him in person.  It's easy to
stay detached from someone when you only talk to him on the phone.

"Of course, Drew," I responded.  "I guess I need to spend some time with
you to try to figure out what I'm feeling."

"Okay," Drew said hesitantly.  "You know, it'll be good that you're there.
Jessica is actually playing the same club we are on Thursday.  We have a
gig that night but she was going to stay and see us on Friday."

"So I'll get to meet her?"

"Actually, no.  Her schedule changed so she won't be there.  Nick is pretty
bummed about it so it will be good that you're there."

"Let's see," I laughed.  "His girlfriend or me?  Who do you think he'll
want to see?"

"Don't do that, Alex.  You know he likes having you around.  I was just
saying that because he's always around us.  You'll make him forget that she
won't be there."

"I was thinking that I probably won't go to the club on Friday night."

The last time I talked to Drew, he had explained to me that they were going
to Las Vegas as part of a radio promotion.  One of the local stations was
having a listener appreciation party and 98 Degrees was the headliner.

"Why not?  We did the same show last year and we all had a blast."

"I just think that we need to spend some time alone, Drew.  And a party
with hundreds of people just doesn't qualify.  You know I'd love to see you
perform but it's probably not a good idea for you to be seen with me at
such a public event.  You have to protect yourself."

"That's crazy, Alex.  There's no reason why you and I can't be seen
together.  People will just think we're friends.  It's not like I'm going
to grab you on the dance floor and start feeling you up!"

I had to laugh at that image.  I also wondered if Nick was in earshot.

"Regardless," I said.  "I just don't think it's a good idea."

"Okay," he said, somewhat dejected.  "Wait, Nick wants to talk to you."

"Sure," I said.  "Call me at work on Friday.  Okay?"

"Yes."

I heard the phone being passed to Nick.

"Just wanted you to know," Nick said, "that I'm negative, too."

"That's good news."

"Yes, it is."

"Nick, if Jeff and Justin aren't around, does that mean you are spending
time with Drew?"

"It does," he said with a smile in his voice.

"That's great.  It sounds like it's going well."

"It is.  I mean, nothing major is happening.  We're just hanging out
together watching a little TV.  It almost feels like it used to.  He even
opened up a little today.  He was telling me about you."

"Really?" I said, surprised.  "So now you are officially in the middle of
all of this drama."

"I am," he chuckled.  "But like I said before, I don't mind.  I want Drew
to be happy and if you make him happy then I'm behind you.  The same goes
for you, Alex."

"He is so lucky to have you as a brother."

"Well, he doesn't have a choice.  I'm not going anywhere."

"Nick," I said quietly.  "Can I tell you something?"

"Of course."

"Thanks for standing by me.  There haven't been too many people in my life
I can trust but I think you are one of them."

"I am," he said simply.

Suddenly I felt a wave of emotions passing through me.  Not only was Nick
supporting his brother, but also me.  It's a powerful feeling to know that
you're not alone.

"Maybe you've figured this out by now, but I have a difficult time
expressing my feelings.  The important ones, anyway.  I just thought I
should tell you that I appreciate your friendship.  You're a really good
guy, Nick."

"Thank you."

"No," I said.  "That's the best compliment I can give.  When I say that I
mean."

Nick cut me off.  "Alex, I know exactly what you are saying.  You don't
need to explain.  Your words mean a lot to me and I feel the same way about
you.  I wouldn't let you near Drew if I didn't think you had a good heart."

I didn't know what to say.  When Nick had told me at Disney World that he
could think of me as a brother-in-law I really didn't take him too
seriously.  Right then, however, I knew he was giving me his blessing to
see Drew.

"Thank you," I whispered.

After a good minute of comfortable silence, I realized there was someone
was knocking on my door.

"Nick, I need to get back to work now."

"Okay," he replied.  "I'll see you this weekend."

"Not if I see you first," I replied as I hung up the phone.


Scene 46


I sat on the stationary bike at the gym, grinding out mile after mile.
Usually when I do my cardio workouts, I let my mind wander.  It seems to be
one of the only times in my day where I don't have to think.  That day,
however, was different.  As I pedaled, I was thinking about my trip to see
Drew and the rest of the guys.  I was leaving the next day, right after
work.

I was also trying hard to not think about my feelings for Drew.  After
talking to him and Nick the night before, I had decided I wasn't going to
try to figure anything out until I saw Drew in person.  I wanted to talk to
him, to touch him, and to kiss him.  Only then would I be able to discover
if I was falling in love with him.

"So what planet are you on?"

I suddenly realized someone was talking to me.  I glanced up and saw Aaron
standing there, holding out a towel.

"Wow," he said.  "You were lost in thought there.  I thought you could use
this.  You've been riding for a long time."

"Thanks," I said as I grabbed the towel from him.  I glanced down and
noticed I had been pedaling for over thirty minutes.  "You're right.  I'm
usually only at it for about twenty minutes."

I wiped my face with the towel and started to ease up on the bike.

"So what were you thinking about?" Aaron asked.  He leaned against the
handlebars, putting his body very close to mine.

"Nothing, really," I lied.  "I'm going away for the weekend and I just
don't want to forget anything."

"Where to?"

"Vegas."

"Cool!" he replied.  "Who are you going with?"

"The guys from 98 Degrees invited me.  We're just going to go hang out, I
guess."

Aaron looked at me and I thought I caught a slight smile.  I knew I
shouldn't be telling people I was going to see the guys.  It's not like it
was a big secret, but the less people who knew the better.  I know Mike
would never say anything to Aaron about my relationship with Drew, but
there was always a chance that Aaron would overhear us.  I made a mental
note to watch for that.  Aaron was cool, though.  I knew he wouldn't be
eavesdropping.

"Too bad you'll be gone this weekend," Aaron said.  "I'm having a party on
Saturday and I wanted you to make it.  Maybe we can get together another
time."

As I nodded, Aaron leaned in closer to me.  He placed his right hand on one
of my shoulders and gently squeezed.

"I have to go," he said, smiling.  "Have a great trip and I'll see you next
week."

I didn't say anything as Aaron left.  Instead, I just sat on the bike,
somewhat dumbfounded by what just happened.  It suddenly registered that my
dick was slightly hard and it was very apparent in the tight pair of shorts
I was wearing.  As nonchalantly as possible, I draped the towel over my
shorts until I calmed down a bit.

A minute later, I saw Mike walking over towards me.

"Ready for your trip?" he asked as he approached.

"You're not going to believe this," I said, "but I think Aaron just hit on
me."

A huge grin appeared on Mike's face.

"So that's what that towel's doing there?"

"Actually, yes.  I didn't think it was that obvious," I stammered.  "He
totally caught me off guard."

"You're kidding me, right?"

"No."

"You mean, you didn't know?"

"Know what?" I asked.

"Damn!  Your gaydar really sucks, Alex.  Aaron is gay."  He shook his head.
"I thought you knew.  He's actually been asking about you the last couple
of weeks"

"Don't make fun of me," I shot back with a touch of venom in my voice.

"Scout's honor."

"You were never a boy scout," I countered.

"True.  But the truth is that Aaron has been trying to get details about
you from me."

"Why didn't you tell me?  You know I've had a major crush on him since the
day I saw him.  Does the phrase 'Greek God' mean anything to you?"

"What did you want me to do?" Mike questioned.  "I just assumed you knew he
was gay.  Plus, all this happened right after you got together with Drew
and I didn't want you to have to deal with both of them at once.  You don't
know Aaron like I do.  I'd be being polite to say that he sleeps around.
Aaron isn't exactly into monogamy.  He's the kind of guy that never leaves
the bar alone, if you know what I mean.  I'm not saying he's not a decent
guy, but I just didn't want your first experience to be with him."

Once again I was at a loss for words.  Mike laughed slightly and smiled.

"Wait a minute!" I said, finally, shaking my head.  "What would Aaron want
with me?  He could get any guy or girl, for that matter, in here.  Why me?"

"Don't be so dense, Alex.  Do you ever look in a mirror?  All these years
of working with me are beginning to pay off.  You're a stud."

I started laughing.

"Hang on," I said.  "You know my gaydar is lousy.  I thought you were
straight."

"Ha, ha, funny man."

I climbed off the bike, now that I had sufficiently "calmed down".

"So if this relationship or whatever it is doesn't work out with Drew," I
said, "I can always come back here for a little taste of Aaron."

"Too much information," Mike deadpanned.

I could feel the blood rushing to my face and I was certain my face was
getting very red.

"That's not what I meant," I answered, meekly.  "On that note I should get
out of here.  I'll talk to you when I get home from Vegas."

"Sounds good.  Say hi to everyone for me."

I gave Mike a thumbs up and headed to the locker room.


Scene 47


Someone at Northwest Airlines must have had some fun scheduling flight
numbers because I was on flight 777 from Minneapolis to Las Vegas.  The
trip was uneventful.  Drew, once again, had me in first class.  Despite my
reservations at the money he was spending on me, I had to admit that it is
a much nicer way to travel than coach.

When we landed there was a uniformed gentleman holding a sign with my name.

"That's me," I said, pointing to his sign.

"Welcome to Las Vegas, Mr. Jackson," he smiled.  "My name is Braden, with
the Four Season Hotel.  If you follow me I'll take you to the hotel."

"Thank you, Braden.  Just call me Alex, okay?"

"My pleasure."

As we walked I let myself give him the once over.  He was a very
good-looking guy.  His brown hair looked slightly sun-bleached and his skin
was deeply tanned.  He had beautiful green eyes and a 100-watt smile.

"So, have you visited Las Vegas before, Alex?"

"Just once, when I was about sixteen.  I imagine a lot has changed in ten
years.  I was a little hesitant to come, though.  I'm not much of a
gambler."

"Neither is my wife.  But there are a lot of things to do here without
gambling.  Besides, we don't have a casino at the Four Seasons."

"Really?  That's unusual, isn't it?"

"Yes, definitely.  We are the only hotel on the Strip without a casino,
although you can access the casino at the Mandalay Bay Hotel without
leaving the building.  It's the best of both worlds.  We have a separate
lobby, restaurants, and pool area and our guest rooms are located on the
top floors of the Mandalay tower.  The view is incredible.  Your room has a
great view of the Strip."

As we waited for the one bag I checked we chatted about various things,
mostly hotels since that was also my line of work.  Braden told me about
how he met his wife when he was working at another hotel.  I liked him from
the start.  Although he was more formal, he reminded me of Becca, our host
from Disney World.  That was definitely a compliment in my book.

Once I had everything, he escorted me out a side door where a limo was
waiting.  The driver opened the door and I climbed in, followed by Braden.

"Wow!  I've never ridden in a limo before," I said, sounding a little like
a hick from the Midwest.

Both Braden and I realized how silly my comment sounded but he let it
slide.

"Can I get you a cocktail or a beer?" he asked, pointing to the small
refrigerator located near the driver.

"No, thanks," I responded.  "I don't drink."

Braden took in a deep breath, as if I had startled him.  The color quickly
drained from his face.

"Mr. Jackson, I'm so sorry.  I should have never asked you that."

"It's Alex, remember?" I said, not understanding why he would react that
way.  "It's not a big deal.  I just don't want anything to drink."

"No, you don't understand," he pleaded.  "Mr. Lachey told me that you
didn't drink.  I even had the alcohol removed from the mini-bar in your
room.  I never should have forgotten that.  I'm just so used to." His voice
trailed off.

I leaned across the limo and grabbed his hand.  He had been looking down
and I needed to get his attention.  He looked up at me and I tried to offer
a reassuring smile.

"Braden," I said, letting go of his hand.  "Don't worry about it.  If
that's the biggest mistake you've made all day I'd say you're doing really
well.  It's not that big a deal."

"But it is," he insisted.  "All Mr. Lachey said was that you don't drink.
Maybe I'm making an assumption, but I'd guess there is a reason for that."

"There is.  I'm in recovery."

"I know how hard that can be, Alex.  My wife is a recovering alcoholic.
And here I was trying to get you to drink."

"Hold it right there!  You weren't trying to make me drink.  All you were
doing was being polite.  Don't make a big deal out of this, okay?"

Braden stopped and thought for a moment.

"Okay," he finally said.

A thought came to me.

"So, what else did Drew tell you about me?" I asked.  "It was Drew, wasn't
it?"

"Yes, it was.  He didn't tell me much, just about the alcohol.  Oh, he also
wanted me to find you a gym to work out in just in case our fitness center
at the hotel isn't adequate enough for you."

I smiled, touched at Drew's thoughtfulness.  Before I could say anything
else we pulled up in front of the hotel.  The door opened and I climbed
out.

"Good evening, Mr. Jackson," the doorman said as he pulled open one of the
two huge wooden doors that led to the lobby.

"What?" I said, somewhat perplexed at how he knew my name.  "Oh, thank
you."

Braden smiled as he escorted me into the lobby.

The lobby was stunning.  As you entered, a grand hall that rises at least
three stories greeted you.  Huge columns flanked the marble floor.  Several
large palm trees gave the feeling of the desert, but proved to be warm and
inviting at the same time.  A grand staircase rose to the second floor.  It
was amazing at how grand everything was, and yet the fine furnishings lent
an intimate feel to the place.

"Right this way, Alex," Braden said after he had given me a moment to take
in the lobby.  "No need to register.  I'll take you straight to your room."

He led me down a wide hallway lined with shops.  I glanced in the window
display of the jewelry shop and thought of Sharon.  She could lose herself
in that store for at least an hour.  Braden pointed out the corridor that
led to the casino, as well as the fitness center and spa.  We entered the
elevators and he pressed the button for the 37th floor.  Once we reached
the floor, he gestured down one of three long hallways.  We stopped at room
37018.

"Wow!" I exclaimed when I walked in.  The lights were off but the drapes
had been pulled back.  Glimmering though the floor-to-ceiling windows were
the fabled lights of the Las Vegas Strip.

"It is pretty impressive, isn't it?"  Braden paused before turning on the
lights.  "You're not afraid of heights, are you?  It can make some people a
bit dizzy."

"No, it's awesome."

Once I was finally able to tear myself away from the view, I looked around
the room.  It was certainly nicer than any of the rooms at my hotel.  The
furniture was all in a deep cherry wood.  The small sitting area next to
the window had some very comfortable- looking chairs and a loveseat.  The
bed sported a down comforter and an array of pillows.

"If you need anything at all, just charge it to the room.  All your
expenses are covered this weekend."

"Drew, again?" I asked.

"Yes, Mr. Lachey is handling the bill for all the rooms," he said with a
nod.  "Is there anything I can get you.  We do have 24-hour room service.
The menu is right there on the desk."

"Chances are you don't have what I want."

"I doubt that," he said with a quick grin.  "Our chef prides himself on
being able to make just about anything, whether it's on the menu or not."

"Well," I hesitated.  "It's not very Four Seasons of me, but I'd kill for a
grilled-cheese sandwich and some potato chips."

"I understand.  That one is not a problem.  Sometime you're just not in the
mood for 'High Plains roasted bison with orange-mango chutney'."

I burst into laughter.  Braden was not only easy on the eyes, he also was
pretty funny.

"I'll let you settle in," he smiled.  "If you need anything, call me at the
concierge desk this weekend.  I work from 8am to 5pm.  If I'm not available
any of my colleagues will be pleased to help."

"Thank you, Braden."

"My pleasure.  And, again, I'm sorry about what happened in the limo.  Good
night."

As he turned to leave, I realized I should tip him for all of his help.

"Wait," I said as I reached for my wallet.

He waved his hand to indicate a tip wasn't necessary.

"Mr. Lachey said you would do that.  He also said he would get me fired if
I took it."

I could picture Drew saying those words.

"I don't want that on my head," I replied, putting away my wallet.  I
reached out and shook his hand instead.  "Thank you."

"My pleasure," he replied as he shut my door.

It couldn't have been fifteen minutes until I heard a knock at the door.  I
had just finished unpacking.  I opened the door and saw a room service
waiter.  Either Braden cooked it himself, or he went straight to the
kitchen to make sure my food was prompt.  I wasn't expecting it for another
fifteen minutes.

I didn't realize how hungry I was until I started eating.  Sitting by the
window, I marveled at the lights of the city as I scarfed down an excellent
grilled cheese sandwich.  When Drew had told me about the radio party the
guys were performing at, he told me it was at the House of Blues in the
Mandalay Bay Hotel.  Not knowing Vegas that didn't mean much to me.  It
dawned on me that since the Four Seasons' rooms were at the top of the
Mandalay tower, the guys were some thirty floors beneath me right now.

I started feeling a little guilty that I told Drew I didn't want to go the
party.  At the time it seemed like the right decision.  I didn't think Drew
and I should be seen together in such a public venue.  While I didn't care
if people thought I was gay, I knew I needed to protect Drew.

The real reason, however, that I didn't want to go to the party was because
I didn't know how I'd react when I saw him.  He had confessed his love to
me and I was the one holding things back.  I was scared to see him because
I didn't know what would happen.  I didn't want to risk the chance of me
having some sort of anxiety attack in front of hundreds of people.

After I finished eating, I got up and went to the closet.  I looked at the
pants and shirt I had brought just in case I went to the party.  Although
Drew didn't say it, I was certain he had put my name on the guest list.

"No," I finally decided.  "Let him have his night with the guys.  I'll see
him tomorrow."

I climbed onto the bed and flipped on the TV.  The local news was just
ending so it must have been about 11:30pm.  I was surprised at how tired I
was until I remembered the time difference.  Back home in Minneapolis it
was 1:30am.  I struggled to stay awake until I finally lost the battle.  I
fell asleep with the lights on and the TV blaring.

A noise jolted me awake.  All the lights were still on but I must have shut
off the TV at some point.  I was drifting between sleep and consciousness,
feeling very confused at my unfamiliar surroundings.  I thought I heard
someone knocking at the door, but I wasn't able to get up.  I was just too
tired.  Seconds later I was asleep again.

I woke up again later that night.  I dragged myself out of bed so I could
take off my clothes and shut off all the lights.  As I walked to the door
to hit the light switch, I saw an envelope that had been slid under the
door.  Without looking at the writing I knew it was from Drew.

"Alex, I know you couldn't come to the party.  It wasn't too fun this time
but I know it would have been better with you there.  Call me when you get
up.  Love, Drew."


Scene 48


I woke up with the sun shining through the windows.  Apparently I had
forgotten to close the drapes.  I stretched and yawned, trying to wake up.
I glanced at the clock and noticed it was a little past nine.  I reached
for the phone that was on the nightstand next to the bed.  I dialed the
number Drew had put on his note.

"Hey, Drew."

"Good morning!  I was wondering when you'd wake up."

"What do you mean?  It's only nine, plus it's a weekend.  And I have to
tell you this is the most comfortable bed I've ever slept in.  I laid down
last night to watch some TV and I was out like a light."

"I figured as much.  I stopped by last night and your light was on but you
didn't answer when I knocked."

"Oh, is that what I heard?  Sorry," I said.  "It's been a long week at work
and I was exhausted.  I slept really well, though."

"Good!" he said.  "Then you'll be ready for our day together."

"Hey, I'm not even out of bed yet."

"Let me come help you shower," he laughed.

"Drew!"

"Sorry," he replied, although he didn't sound too sincere.  "Let's meet in
the lobby in an hour."

"Sounds good.  I'll see you then."

After I showered and got dressed I headed downstairs to meet Drew.  I was
surprised at how nervous I was to see him.  I had the feeling that a lot
was going to be decided that day as far as our relationship was concerned.

I must have beaten Drew getting ready because he was nowhere to be found.
I explored the lobby, marveling how the sunlight reflected off the marble
floors, filling the space with light.

"Good morning, Alex."

I turned towards the voice and saw Braden standing behind the Concierge
Desk.

"Good morning," I smiled.

"So, what's on the agenda today?" he questioned.

"Honestly, I don't know.  I'm supposed to meet Drew down here.  I think he
has things planned."

"You're in good hands.  I know Mr. Lachey has been here a number of times.
If you need any advice, though, just ask."

"Thanks, Braden."

"Looks like he's ready for you," Braden said, gesturing for me to turn
around.

I spun around and saw Drew walking toward me.  My heart jumped a bit, just
from seeing him.  He looked great.  He was wearing a pair of jean shorts, a
dark green t-shirt, and a ball cap.  What got to me, though, was his smile.

"Hi," I said when he got close.  I was surprised when he pulled me into a
hug.  Although it was innocent enough, it wasn't something I was expecting.

"I want to kiss you so bad," he whispered just before letting go.

Drew said hello to Braden and thanked him for taking care of me the night
before.  Then we walked outside and jumped in a cab.

"Where are we headed?" I asked as the cab took off.

"Just up the street to the MGM.  I thought we'd check it out, maybe do some
gambling and then grab lunch somewhere.  Unless you'd rather do something
else."

"No, whatever you want to do it fine by me."

I looked out the window at all the incredible hotels we passed.  There was
everything from a huge pyramid, to a medieval castle, to the New York
skyline.  Drew moved his knee over so that it was touching mine.  It was as
close as we could be without drawing any suspicion from the driver.

Once we got to the MGM Grand Hotel, we wandered a bit.  I'm not much of a
gambler so I mostly watched Drew.  He was playing blackjack and he was
pretty good at it.  In about 25 minutes he was ahead by about $400.  As
soon as he started losing consistently he decided to walk away.  I was
impressed at his will power because I knew I wouldn't have been able to
quit so easily.

"Follow me," he said.  "There's someplace I think you'll enjoy."

We walked for what seemed like a half mile through the casino to get to the
entrance out to the Strip.  Drew was doing a pretty good job of going
unnoticed.  The occasional stare made me remember I was with someone
famous.  We walked outside and up the street about a half block.

"That's what I want you to see," Drew said, pointing to the building in
front of us.

I saw a sign that said "Gameworks".  It looked like it was a huge arcade,
but with one very big difference.  Dominating the center of the place was a
huge rock-climbing wall.  It was a spire of fake rock that jutted up five
or six stories.  I could see several people in climbing gear scaling the
wall, each attached to safety gear that prevented them from falling.

"Awesome!" I exclaimed.

"Want to climb it?"

"Really?"

"Of course.  It's pretty cool.  I've done it a couple of times here.  It's
not as easy as it looks.  Have you ever been rock climbing?"

I laughed.  The thought of me hiking somewhere so I could risk my life on
some slab of rock was pretty funny.

"I'll take that as a 'no'," Drew laughed.

We went inside and Drew paid for us to climb.  Then we both signed rather
lengthy waivers indicating that if we fell we couldn't sue.

"After we're done here I'll buy us lunch," Drew said as we strapped on the
safety equipment.

"How about a little wager?" I asked.

"What did you have in mind?" Drew asked with a slightly suspicious look.

"Well, if I make to the top and you don't, you buy.  If you make it, I'll
buy."

"And if we both make it?"

"Dutch, I guess.  And to make it a bit more interesting let's go on the
intermediate course," I said.

Drew stopped and thought for a moment.  The guy who gave us the equipment
told us there was an easy route, an intermediate, and a difficult route to
the top of the rock.  The intermediate course wasn't too bad until about
three-fourths of the way to the top.  At that point there was a slight
overhang that required a lot of upper body strength to make it.  I wasn't
certain I was going to be able to do it, but I figured it would be more fun
to try to beat Drew that way.

"You're on," Drew finally said.

"Why don't you go first?  That way I can watch your technique."

Drew nodded and jumped to his feet.  He headed over to the instructor,
whose name was Cory.  Cory hooked Drew into the rappelling line.  As Drew
would climb, Cory would keep tension on the rope so that if Drew slipped,
he would only fall a foot or so.

"Here goes," Drew said as he started to climb.

As he climbed, I could see him carefully choosing his hand and foot holds.
Despite his caution, he was moving higher at a pretty good pace.  About
halfway up his hand slipped but he was able to stay on the rock.  I felt my
heart skip a beat when I saw him falter, even though I knew he was
perfectly safe.

"Use your legs!" Cory kept calling up to Drew.  Even though Drew was four
stories above us, he could hear Cory through the wireless mic located in
his helmet.

Drew was nearly at the top when he stopped for a moment to rest.  He only
had about 10 feet to go, but it was the toughest part of the course.  There
was the overhang that required a lot of upper body strength.  To make it,
Drew needed to pull himself up to a ledge without the benefit of using his
legs.  Once on the ledge, it was just a matter of reaching up and touching
the top.

Drew was about 65 feet above us now.  After a few more moments of rest he
made his move.  He reached out started pulling himself up.  It looked like
he was going to make it but suddenly he slipped.  Cory tightened the rope
as Drew started to fall.  Even though I couldn't hear him, I could tell
that Drew was swearing at himself.  Cory slowly lowered Drew to the floor.

"Close," I smirked.

"Let's see you make it," he replied, still steaming from not making it.

"Let's do it, Cory," I said.

I started climbing, using my strategy.  I knew that if I had any chance of
pulling myself up at the overhand at the top, I needed to conserve my upper
body strength as much as possible.  With each move I tried to push myself
up using my legs.

"Looking good.  Keep that up." I heard over the radio in my helmet.

About halfway up I made the colossal mistake of looking down.

"Shit!" I said out loud.  It was a long way down and I wasn't even at the
top yet.  "Keep it together, Alex."

I took a deep breath and tried to forget I was about 65 feet in the air.  I
was finally at the moment of truth.  I was feeling a bit winded and my arms
were aching but I still felt I could make it.  I didn't wait too long, for
fear of psyching myself out.  I reached out and began to pull myself up.
The feeling of having my legs dangling underneath me was pretty
disconcerting.

"Come on!  You can do it!"

Of course it was Cory over the radio but in my head it was Mike yelling at
me like he always does at the gym.

"Come on!"

I gritted my teeth and tried to remember to breathe.  I don't know how, but
I was able to swing one of my legs up to the ledge.

"You got it!"

As soon as I pulled myself up I reached out and rang the bell that was at
the top of the spire.  Despite the exertion I had put out, I broke into a
huge smile.

Cory instructed me how to rappel down the side of wall.  I could hardly
wait to see Drew's face.

"I gotta hand it to you," Drew said once I was on terra firma.  "That was
pretty impressive.  Are you sure you've never done this before?"

"Never," I grinned.

"Then how."

"Well," I interrupted.  "I just listened to Cory.  He said to use my legs
as much as possible.  That way I had enough strength to pull myself up at
the top."

"Good job," Cory said as he shook my hand.

"It means this guy has to buy me lunch," I smiled back.

Drew glared at me, obviously upset that he had lost the wager.

"By the way," I said to Drew.  "Remind me to tell Braden I won't be needing
to go to the gym.  That was enough of a workout for me for the weekend.
I'm going to be sore tomorrow."

"Don't worry," Drew whispered so only I could hear.  "I'll give you a
massage a little later."

I smiled and cocked an eyebrow.  I could tell it was going to be an
interesting day.


Scene 49


After my triumphant defeat of Drew at rock climbing, we decided it was time
for lunch.  I wasn't sure what time it was, but after the workout I had
gotten scaling the wall, I was hungry.

"So, what's the most expensive place in town for lunch?" I joked, knowing
that Drew had to pay.

"Very funny," was his sarcastic reply.

Before I could tell him I was only joking we both heard a commotion behind
us.  We were still in Gameworks, standing near the base of the rock spire.

"Oh my God!"

We both spun around to see several teenage girls in near hysterics.  They
obviously had recognized Drew.  I had been surprised that he hadn't been
spotted sooner.  I'm certain the radio station that had brought the guys in
to play at the party had been promoting their appearance.  All of listeners
must have known the guys would be in town that weekend.

A security guard from the arcade suddenly showed up, obviously wanting to
check out the loud disturbance.

"Sorry," he said to Drew, clearly recognizing him.  "I'll get rid of them
for you."

"It's okay," Drew responded.  "We were just on our way out.  Let me talk to
them for a few minutes and then we'll sneak out."

The guard nodded and walked with Drew over to the girls.  I stood and
watched, amused at the scene.  One of the three girls was in tears.  I
tried to remember a time when I felt that way about someone famous.  Being
gay, I never could react like that when I saw someone like Drew.  Although
Minneapolis isn't exactly Hollywood, I've seen my share of stars at the
hotel.  I always had to hide my enthusiasm, both because of my job and
because I am gay.

I was still lost in thought when Drew returned.

"Come on, let's get out of here."

I smiled and followed Drew and the security guard.  Out front, we waited
for cab, trying to look inconspicuous.

"What do you want for lunch?" I asked.  "You know, I was kidding about the
most expensive place."

"It's okay if you weren't.  You know I can afford it.  Plus, you did beat
me fair and square."

"I don't want you wasting your money on me, Drew.  I don't deserve it.  You
already paid for my airfare and hotel."

"Let's not get into that again, okay?"

I smiled, happy to let it drop for the moment.

"Do you mind if we get away from the Strip?  There's less chance of me
getting noticed.  People won't expect to see me out in a regular
neighborhood."

"Sure."

Once the cab that the security guard had called arrived, we jumped in.
Drew asked him to take us away from the tourist areas.  We rode for a
couple of minutes, ending up at a Chili's restaurant.  At our request, the
hostess seated us in the back of the restaurant.  Drew was sitting in a
position where hardly anyone would see him.  Since no one was sitting near
us, we both felt comfortable enough to talk openly.

"So," Drew asked, "are you glad that you came?"

"Yeah," I smiled.  "I'm sorry I missed the party last night.  Once I
realized it was basically in the same building as the hotel I almost got
dressed and went.  But I was just so tired.  It was a long week at work.  I
don't know if I told you, but I got a new boss this week and I don't
exactly see eye to eye with her on things.  It makes it kind of difficult."

"That sucks."

"Yeah," I chuckled.  "Tell me about it.  But I don't want to talk it right
now.  Your note said the party wasn't that great."

"It was better last year.  It's getting too dangerous for us to just hang
out with the crowd.  Last year we could go out and dance with the fans but
things have changed.  All we could really do is stand around and talk to
each other.  That's why it would have been good to have you around.  I can
talk to the guys any time.  I put you on the guest list, you know."

"I figured you would."

"Alex?"  Drew's voice was suddenly very serious.  "Can I ask you
something?"

"Of course."

"I didn't come on too strong this morning, did I?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well," he continued.  "When I hugged you I told you I wanted to kiss you.
Then I made that remark about the massage.  You told me you needed some
time to figure things out and here I am adding more pressure with comments
like that.  I've been thinking about it all morning."

"No, Drew.  It's fine.  If I could get away with it right now I'd kiss you.
I may not know the right words to explain what I feel for you, but I know
that I want to spend time with you."

"Oh," he said, sounding uncertain as to how to react to my response.

"Let me explain.  As much as I'd like to, I can't tell you that I love you.
I just don't know if it's what I feel and the last thing I'd ever want to
do is to lie to you.  I never want to lie to you about anything.  But I can
tell you that I really need to spend time with you, like we're doing now."

Drew looked at me and smiled.

"I have to tell you I was terrified to come here, Drew.  I didn't know what
I was feeling and I wanted to figure it out before I saw you.  As the trip
got closer, my feelings seemed even more confused.  Part of me wanted to
throw in the towel and go back to my safe life at home.  It may be lonely
but I know exactly what to expect and that makes it easier for me deal
with.  But then there was the part of me that thinks I deserve something
better."

"You do, Alex.  You deserve to be with someone who loves you."

"Thanks.  But it's not as easy as just saying that.  I have a lot to figure
out, Drew.  To say that I have emotional baggage would be an
understatement."

"I don't care!" he said passionately.  "Don't you realize I have all of
that, too?"

"I know.  But I feel like I need to have everything figured out before
jumping in.  So many times in the past I've been hurt because I didn't know
what I was feeling.  I can't go through that again.  I can't fall apart
again.  Right now you don't need that.  You need someone who knows what he
wants.  And I just feel like I need to be strong for you and I don't think
I can do that right now."

"Why do you need to be strong?" he questioned.

"Because."

"Because you're older?  Because you've been out longer?  It doesn't work
that way, Alex.  I don't know if you'll want to hear this, but I have been
in love before.  I was in love with Lea.  It may not have been the kind of
love I need, but it was love.  I know how it feels and I know what I'm
feeling right now.  And, from what you've said, you've never loved anyone."

His words seemed to slice my heart.  There's nothing worse than having the
truth thrown in your face.  There's no way to defend yourself without
lying.

"Fuck you!" I said under my breath.

"Damn it, Alex!" he said in a hushed, angry tone.  "That wasn't a judgment.
I'm just trying to get my point across.  I love you.  It's really that
simple.  I love you for who you are, baggage and all.  Just listen to your
heart and everything else will fall into place."

"But what if it doesn't?"

"What if it does?  What are you scared of, Alex?  Are you scared of a
broken heart or are you scared of sharing your life with me?"

His questions got to me.  He was asking me the kinds of questions that I
never allowed myself to ask.

"I'm scared of everything," I whispered, on the verge of tears.

"It's okay, Alex.  I just want you to know that you don't need to be strong
for me.  At least not all the time.  That's what a relationship is all
about.  I know I've been leaning pretty heavily on you lately, but my
shoulders are just as strong.  I'll do everything in my power to keep you
safe.  I promise."

I tried to smile but the corner of my mouth began to quiver.  I felt tears
softly streaming down my cheeks.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw our
waiter coming with our lunch.  I quickly stood up and headed to the
bathroom, trying to avoid any embarrassment for either of us.

I stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom trying to make myself
presentable.  I was replaying the conversation in my head.  I knew Drew was
right.  I was taking on too much responsibility.  Just because Drew had
only recently come out didn't mean that he didn't have relevant life
experience.  If there was any hope for our relationship to move forward, I
needed to let Drew in.  I needed to trust him with what I was really
feeling.  The thought of doing that made me shudder.  It was a major step
for me.

When I returned to the table, I saw Drew absentmindedly running his fork
through the food on his plate.  When he saw me I saw a deep concern on his
face.

"I'm sorry I swore at you," I said.

"It's okay.  I was just."

"Wait," I interrupted.  "Can we just sit here and eat?  I needed to hear
everything you said, Drew.  But right now, I just want to spend some time
with you.  No major life decisions, okay?"

"Okay," he said, reaching out and grabbing my hand across the table.

We both smiled.


Scene 50


After lunch we headed back to the hotel.  Neither of us really felt much
like sightseeing.  On the ride back I replayed our conversation over and
over.  I almost laughed out loud when I realized it was our first fight.
Sure, we had fought before, but that was before I really knew who Drew was.
Now, everything was real.  Without looking, I knew that Drew was watching
me from the other side of the cab.  Even while we ate I could feel a
heightened sense of concern.  He was worried about me.

"I'm going to be okay," I said, finally breaking the silence.

"What?"

I laughed slightly at his attempt to disguise his concern.

"I said I'll be fine.  You don't need to worry about me.  And don't pretend
that you aren't concerned.  You may be a great singer but you're not that
good as an actor."

"Sure," he laughed, "kick me when I'm down."

We rode the rest of the way in silence, although the mood was very
different.  I was glad I said something because Drew seemed much more at
ease.  It was like he was able to breathe again.  I was surprised at how
easy it was to read his thoughts, especially considering how much of an
enigma he seemed to be when I first met him.  I didn't know if it was
because I had figured him out or because he was not hiding anything
anymore.  I hoped it was both.

When we arrived at the hotel, Braden greeted us.  Drew recounted our
rock-climbing adventure, conveniently leaving out the part about me beating
him in our little challenge.  I decided to spare Drew any embarrassment by
keeping quiet.  After all, he has his pop star persona to keep intact.

"Thanks," he said as we were walking to the elevators.

"No problem."

"So," he said, sounding almost shy.  "Do you want to come up to our suite?
I don't know if any of the guys will be there, but I know they'd want to
see you.  And if not, then you and I can spend some more time together."
He paused.  "Just talking, that's all."

"I'd like that," I said, noticing his attempt avoid pressuring me.

My jaw dropped when we walked into the suite.  It was immense.  To the
right was a full kitchen; to the left, an entertainment room with a
surround sound television system.  The living room had several couches and
even a baby grand piano.

"Damn!"

"I know," Drew laughed.  "It's something, isn't it?  It's somewhere around
4,000 square feet, with four bedrooms."

"If I had any doubt I was dating a star that's all gone by now."

Drew let me wander around a bit.  I almost managed to get lost, although I
figured Drew would have been able to rescue me.

"Looks like the guys are out," Drew said as I walked back into the living
room.  "I know that Jeff and Justin were going to go gamble.  Nick said
something about a surprise but I'm not sure what he was talking about."

"Do you think they'll be back for dinner?  I'd like to see them.  I mean,
as long as you don't have anything planned."

"They will," he said.  "We're all supposed to be back here by seven.  Nick
said he'd get dinner reservations somewhere for eight o'clock."

"Good."

"I want to show you something.  Follow me."

I followed Drew down one of the hallways to what obviously was his bedroom.
It was similar to my room, except the bathroom was much nicer.  It had a
whirlpool tub right next to a window that looked out over Las Vegas.

"Here," he said, handing me a nicely wrapped box.

"Drew, I can't accept gifts from you.  You already paid for my trip."

"Just open it!" he laughed.  "It's nothing extravagant, although it is a
collectors item.  It's only one of seven in the world."

I cocked an eyebrow and gave him a puzzled look.  I tore open the paper and
opened the box.  Under a layer of tissue paper I found a photo in a
beautiful black frame.  Once I realized what it was I burst into laughter.

"You're right," I joked.  "It is a rare find."

I took the frame out of the box and admired the picture.  It was the photo
of us from the Tower of Terror ride at Walt Disney World.  It showed me
clutching Drew, with a look of absolute terror on my face.

"It's great, Drew.  Thank you."

I set the frame down on the desk and walked over to Drew.  Wrapping my arms
around his waist I pulled him into a kiss.  It was a long, slow kiss;
something we both wanted for a long time.  I must have surprised him,
because once we stopped Drew seemed out of breath.

I sat down on the bed.  Reaching out, I grabbed onto his hand and pulled
him so he was sitting next to me.  I held his hand, trying to sort out what
I wanted to say.

"You were right," I said finally.

"About what?"

"About me being scared.  I've been alone for so long it's the only thing I
know.  The thought of letting someone into my life is terrifying."

"But you let Mike in," he said, squeezing my hand.

"But that's not the same."

"Why not?  Just because he's straight?  I don't think it's that different.
You love Mike, right?"

I nodded.

"Then what's the difference?" he asked.  "You took a chance and let him
into your life and look at what you got in return.  I know it's a big risk,
but I promise you I won't hurt you if you let me in."

"You can't promise me that, Drew.  No one can promise that."

"Maybe not, but you have to take a chance, Alex.  What if we are meant to
be?  I'm not saying it will be easy, but if you never take any risks then
you'll never know."

I turned to face him, pulling my leg underneath me.  I never let go of his
hand.

"Is it really that simple for you?" I asked.

He looked at me with a puzzled, almost hurt look on his face.  He grabbed
my free hand and placed it against his chest.

"Do you feel that?"

I closed my eyes momentarily and concentrated.  Beneath my fingers I could
feel Drew's heart pounding.

"This scares me to death, Alex.  Can't you feel that?  I'm just as new to
this are you are.  Maybe I'm a little more reckless, I don't know?  But
something about us feels right.  I know you feel it, too."

Drew was right.  I did feel a special power between us.  It had started in
Florida and by then it was undeniable.  I didn't know if it was love, or
lust, or something in between.  All I knew at that moment was that I needed
him.

With my hand on his chest I gently pushed him back onto the bed.  For a
split second he looked completely surprised.  Then, a grin overtook his
face.  The cap he was wearing had fallen off when he laid back.  I finally
let go of his hand and let my fingers run through his hair.  I leaned down
over him and softly kissed his forehead.  With careful precision, I kissed
each cheek and then his chin.  I heard him moan when I finally put my lips
on his.  It was a long, passionate kiss.  Our tongues met and Drew
involuntarily shifted beneath me.

"Oh, Alex!" he said when we finally parted.

"Shhh!" I whispered.

Before he could speak I initiated another kiss.  I was surprised when Drew
took control.  He lifted me off of him and sat up.  In one fluid motion he
pulled off his shirt.  Leaning back on his hands, he paused so I could look
at him.  I'd never seen him up close without his shirt.  His body was
nearly flawless and it literally took my breath away.

"You're incredible." I said.

Without a word he reached out and pulled off my shirt.

"So are you," he responded.

Drew leaned back and pulled me with him.  As our chests pressed against
each other I felt a bolt of electricity run through me.  As he began to
kiss me, Drew let his hands explore my back and neck.  For a moment, I
thought I would pass out.  Everything felt so good.

After several minutes of making out, Drew gently lifted me off of him.  I
rolled over on my side so that I could see him lying next to me.  Reaching
down to my shorts, be began unbuckling my belt.  My mind began racing.

"Drew, No!" I said firmly.  "We can't do this!"

Scene 51

Drew looked into my eyes and I saw a mixture of disappointment and
embarrassment.

"Alex, I'm sorry.  I just thought that."

"It's okay," I whispered, trying to keep my voice steady.  I felt out of
sorts.  Drew was still lying next to me, though he had shifted so that he
was no longer touching me.

"No it's not!  I keep fucking this up.  You keep telling me you aren't
ready.  Earlier this afternoon I was so concerned about pressuring you and
here I am seducing you."

"Is that what you're doing?" I laughed.

Drew didn't know how to react.  He looked at me with a puzzled look on his
face.  The look made me laugh even more.

"What is it?" he asked defensively.  "Don't laugh at me just because I want
to be with you.  If you don't want me, that's fine.  Just don't laugh at
me, Alex."

"I think we're having a problem communicating."

"What do you mean?"

"I never said I didn't want to be with you."

"But."

I grabbed his hand, pulling it down on my crotch.  Through the fabric of my
shorts, Drew could feel how hard I was.  He looked down at his hand.  He
gently squeezed and then looked me in the eyes.  By the time he let go he
had a devilish grin on his face.

"Still think I don't want to be with you?"

"I don't get it," he said.  "Why did you stop?"

"There is something important we need to discuss before anything else
happens.  It's kind of uncomfortable but we need to talk about it."

"What?"

"Have you been tested, Drew?"

"Tested?"

"For HIV?"

He looked away from me and muttered a negative response.

"Drew, look at me."  He hesitated before looking up.  "It's important and I
think we both know why.  This is a conversation you need to have with
everyone you intend to have sex with.  I'll be honest with you, though.  If
Nick hadn't asked me to get tested a couple of weeks ago, I may not have
thought about it."

"I'm sorry, Alex."

"No, I'm not scolding you.  It's not like that.  I just think we need to
talk about it.  I'm sure Nick told you that both his and my tests were
negative.  If we intend to do what we were just about to do, I think you
should get tested."

"I know you're right, but it's tough to think about."

"Do you have any reason to worry, Drew?  Have you had unprotected sex?"

Once again Drew looked away from me.  He sat up and turned to look out the
window.  I could tell from his body language that he was very uncomfortable
with my questions.  I reached out and put my hand on his shoulder.  He
stiffened and moved out of my grasp.  Reaching over to grab his shirt, he
pulled it on before handing me mine.  After I put on my shirt I tried
again.

"Drew?  Is something wrong?"

Still looking away from me he said, "Everything."

I could only see his back, but I noticed him reaching up and rubbing his
eyes.  A moment later I could hear him softly crying.  Without thinking, I
moved over and hugged him from behind.  He struggled for a moment but then
gave in and leaned back against me.

"Whatever it is, Drew," I whispered, "We will figure it out."

"That's just it," he said as he turned to face me.  "I don't think this is
something we can figure out.  What I was about to do is inexcusable."

"I'm not here to judge you."

"Maybe I'm judging myself."

"Drew, can you just tell me what's wrong?  I don't know what we're talking
about."

"It simple.  I was about to put you at risk just because I wanted to have
sex with you."

"Are you saying you're HIV positive?"

"No.  I mean, I don't think so."

"What do you mean?" I asked hesitantly.

Drew sighed and looked down at the bed.  He took a few deep breaths before
talking.

"I've only been with two people in my life," he began.  "Lea was my first.
We were both virgins.  Plus, we were pretty young.  Only God knows why she
didn't get pregnant because we had sex several times without protection.
Eventually she went on the pill.  Since she was my first I just thought
that that's what it's supposed to be like."

"If you were both virgins than you couldn't get infected, Drew.  Unless she
was sleeping with other people."

"She wouldn't do that!"

"Sorry," I said.  "I wasn't implying that."

"I know,' he said, calming down.  "That's not the problem.  Once I came out
to myself things got tough, as you already know.  We were on tour one night
and I was a wreck.  I started drinking and somehow I ended up at a bar.  It
wasn't exactly a gay bar but there were a lot of gay men there.  I don't
really remember how it happened, but I hooked up with this guy.  We didn't
have sex.  I mean, it was just."

Drew stopped, too embarrassed to continue.  Surprisingly, however, he was
still looking right into my eyes.

"You can still get HIV from oral sex," I said, filling in the blanks.  "But
it's pretty rare.  I wouldn't be worried if I were you."

"Don't you get it?" he pleaded.  "I know that and still I haven't been
tested.  That was over a year ago, Alex.  And on top of that, I was about
to put you at risk just because I'm scared to know the truth.  How could
you ever forgive me for that?"

"That's simple," I said as I grabbed his hand.  "Things aren't always cut
and dry, Drew.  The world isn't black and white.  Like I told you, I
probably wouldn't have brought it up if I hadn't just been tested.  And I
know that you would never intentionally put me at risk.  After hearing your
history, if we had slept together today I honestly wouldn't be worried.
The chances of you being infected are almost nil."

"But there is still a chance."

"Of course, Drew.  But that's how life is.  There's a chance that I could
get killed in a car accident or beaten up walking down the street but I'm
not about to hide out in my apartment all day.  There is always some risk
involved with living.  Sometimes I forget that and I try to keep things
safe but I don't want to live my life that way anymore."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really."

"So does that mean what I think it does?" he asked.

"I think so," I laughed.  "I guess I'm ready to give this a try.  Us, I
mean."

Drew smiled and hugged me.  A felt a wave of emotion consume me.  For all
of my life I've waited to say the words and really mean them.  I looked
deep into Drew's sparkling eyes and saw the truth.

"I love you, Drew."

Drew let out a cry that sounded like he had won the lottery.  I couldn't
help but laugh as he tried to hug me.  He ended up nearly tackling me,
sending us flying off the edge of the bed.  We hit the floor with a loud
thump.  Actually, I hit the floor and he landed on top of me but I didn't
care.  I felt freer than I'd had in my entire life.  As soon as I had
stopped laughing he leaned in to kiss me.  Neither of us heard the knock at
the door.

"So what's this all about?" said a woman's voice, followed by laughter.


To be continued.

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