Date: Fri, 21 Jun 2002 22:19:32 -0400
From: Thack <thack98@mindspring.com>
Subject: What I Feel For You 59-65

Do not break any laws by reading this.  If you are in doubt if you are
breaking a law, stop reading.  That means if you are under age, stop now and
visit an educational site.  Any questions?  If so, please read the
disclaimer on the first installments.  Also, remember this is fiction.

Judging by some of the emails I'm getting, you guys love to hate my
cliffhangers.  That makes me happy.  Well, this installment doesn't end in a
cliffhanger, just a touch of doubt about what might happen next.

I meant to get this out sooner, but honestly my life has been out of control
lately (and not in a good way).  When I started writing "What I Feel For
You", a lot of it was based on what I wanted my relationships to be.  It was
idealizing love and friendship.  I never imagined any of it would come true.
I'm still looking for love, but I found friendship.  All I can say is that
if you trust someone and you communicate, you can find the type of
friendship I write about.  It's an amazing thing.

Jase, you're the man!

Thanks for all the emails.  Keep them coming!  Take care and be good.

Thack

thack98@mindspring.com


Scene 59


I sat alone in the small office waiting for my doctor to come in.  In the
couple of hours since the call my mind had been running in overdrive.  I
tried to laugh it off, thinking it wasn't really that big a deal but I was
only fooling myself.  I'd known my doctor for a couple of years and I knew
she wouldn't have insisted on seeing me that day if it wasn't urgent.

A small knock at the door interrupted my thoughts.  I suddenly thought how
odd it is that doctor's knock before entering, as if you'd be doing
anything they wouldn't want to see.

"Hey, doc!" I said, using a smile to try to cover up the tremor in my
voice.

"Thanks for coming in, Alex."

I shrugged my shoulders, giving her the once over.  To begin with, I'm
terrified of doctors, but Dr. Fisher always knows how to put me at ease.
Ever time I see her she insists I call her Monica, but I never do.  It just
doesn't seem right, for whatever reason.  She's one of the most competent
people I know, but she's the first to admit it if she doesn't know the
answer to something.  I respect her a great deal.

"So, do you want to explain why I cancelled a meeting to be here?"

"Sorry about that," she replied.  "I just felt as though this couldn't
wait."

"That doesn't sound good."

"Well," she paused.  "I'm concerned about something."

"Go ahead.  Put me out of my misery."

Right after I said it I regretted it.  I just wanted her to end the
suspense and tell me what was happening but we both picked up on the other
interpretation.

"Okay.  When you came in to get your HIV test, I asked you if we could run
some standard blood work, just to make sure things were okay."

"I remember."

"Everything came back normal, with the exception of your liver function.
The test indicates you have a high bilirubin count."

"Bilirubin?  What's that?"

"Well," she continued.  "Bilirubin is a waste product from the breakdown of
old red blood cells.  Normally it is excreted from the body as the chief
component of bile.  The test indicates that you have both a high direct and
indirect bilirubin."

"What does that mean?"

"Well, it could mean a number of things."

"Monica!" I practically shouted.  Both the level of my voice and my use of
her first name grabbed her attention.  "You didn't rush me in here because
it could be a number of things.  Tell me!"

"Alex," she said in a soothing voice, "I'm not an expert in this but I tell
you what I'm thinking.  I'm hoping it's something called Gilbert's
Syndrome.  Gilbert's is a benign congenital condition that simply means
your bilirubin is high.  If it's that, then there's nothing to worry
about."

"And if it isn't that, then I need to worry?"

"If it's not that then it's potentially liver disease or liver cancer."

Of all the things I expected to hear that morning, I never thought of
cancer.  I felt my breath disappear and my stomach drop.  In that split
second I felt my world collapse.  I couldn't speak and I didn't want to
look at her so I turned my head and looked out the window.  From my vantage
point on the third floor, I could see people walking on the street.  I even
thought I saw someone laughing.  I wondered if he would be laughing if he
knew what was happening to me.

Cancer.  The word resonated in my head.  I couldn't remember anything else
Dr. Fisher had said.  I was only 26.  How could I have cancer?  Suddenly I
felt sick to my stomach.  I swallowed hard, trying to keep from throwing
up.  Mercifully, I won the battle but ended up coughing violently.  In a
split second, Dr. Fisher had her hand on my back, gently rubbing.  After a
minute or two, I finally gathered my thoughts and was able to continue.

"So," I said, fighting off the urge to cry.  "What do we do now?"


Scene 60


As I headed back to work that morning, I fought to control my emotions.  My
head was trying to act rationally, but the rest of me was a wreck.  I
didn't know how I felt and I didn't know what to do.  All in all, I had
spent about an hour with Dr. Fisher.  After my little breakdown she had
asked me a series of questions, trying to determine if I had been
experiencing anything unusual.  She asked about my appetite, weight loss,
or stomach problems.  She also asked if I'd noticed any jaundice or unusual
skin tones.  Everything, I told her, seemed okay.

We also talked about my alcoholism.  I asked her if my drinking had
anything to do with the high bilirubin levels.  She admitted she wasn't an
expert, but she didn't think so.  Apparently I hadn't been drinking long
enough to cirrhosis of the liver.  I hoped that she was right.

The next step was more tests.  She drew blood so the lab could make a
comparison.  If the bilirubin level was climbing, it was a sure sign that
the problem was worsening.  Dr.  Fisher had already made an appointment for
me to see a gastroenterologist at the Cancer Center at the University of
Minnesota.  Unfortunately, the soonest I could be seen was the following
Monday, a week away.

"You missed the meeting this morning, Alex.  What happened?"

It was Sharon.  Since it wasn't like me to miss a meeting, I'm sure she was
curious where I had been.  In a split second I had made up my mind.

"I had a doctor's appointment," I replied.

"Anything wrong?"

"Nothing," I lied.

I sighed and immediately questioned my decision, but it was made and I
wasn't going to change it.  Until I knew for certain that there was a
problem, I wasn't going to tell anyone, not even Drew.  While there was
still a chance that I was okay, I wasn't going to burden anyone with my
problems.  I had seen what I had done to Jeff.  He had worried needlessly
about me when I was tested for HIV.  I wasn't going to do that to anyone
this time.

I spent the rest of the day shuffling papers and thinking.  Things that
normally would have bothered me suddenly became trivial.  I spent the
better part of an hour trying to decide what I did that made me deserve
something like this.  Despite the effort I put into solving that issue, I
never did come up with an answer.

"Fitness Desk, this is Aaron."

"Hey, Aaron," I said into the phone.  "Is Mike around?  This is Alex."

"Hey, Alex.  How's it going?  You missed an awesome party.  I'm sorry you
weren't there."

"Me, too," I replied halfheartedly.  "I kind of need to talk to Mike.  Is
he there?"

"Oh, sorry about that," Aaron said, obviously picking that there was
something wrong.  "Let me get him for you."

"Thanks.  Sorry, but I'm not in the mood to talk."

"Don't sweat it.  Hang on."

I listened as Aaron set the phone on the desk.  I might have been hearing
things, but I thought I heard Mike's laughter in the background.

"Alex?  What's going on?"

"Mike, I need to cancel our training appointment tonight."

"You know I'm going to have to bill you for that," he joked.

"Do whatever you need to do."

"Hey," he said.  "That was a joke.  I'd never do that to you.  What's up,
Alex?  You never cancel on me.  Are you feeling okay?"

"I don't know.  I just can't do it today."

"Did something happen with."

I smile when I realized he didn't say his name to protect us.

"No," I said.  "Nothing happened between me and Drew.  At least nothing
bad.  This has nothing to do with him.  I'm just not up for it today."

"Okay.  Are we still on for Thursday?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine by then," I lied.  "I'll talk to you later."

"Alex, you know you can tell me anything, right?"

"I know."

"Call me, okay?  If you need anything."

"I will."

As soon as I hung up I put my head in my hands, massaging my temples.  I
felt a wave of nausea pass through me.  I swallowed hard, praying that the
feeling would pass.  I couldn't stop it this time.  I quickly reached for
my trash can and started heaving.  After my breakfast and lunch had come
up, I started spitting out the fluids from my stomach.  The irony of it hit
me.  Tasting the bile in my mouth, I wondered if I could taste the
bilirubin.  When I finally stopped throwing up, I felt the tears flow.  I
could do nothing to stop them.


Scene 61


The next several days were the longest and most difficult days of my life.
Whenever I get stressed, I'm not able to eat.  That coupled with an
inability to sleep through the night made me feel horrible.  I was doing my
best to avoid spending much time with people.  Some of my co-workers at the
hotel could tell I was going through something bad, but I refused to talk
about it.

"Damn it, Alex!  Why are you doing this?"

For the second time that day Sharon was trying to get me to talk.

"Doing what?"

"Don't pull that shit with me," she said harshly.  "You know what I'm
talking about."

"Look," I said defensively.  "I appreciate the concern but it's just not
something I want to talk about right now."

"Is this about Drew?"

"No!" I practically screamed.  "Why does everybody think that?  He is not
the center of my life.  Things can go wrong without involving him."

Sharon stared at me, trying to decide what to say.

"I'm sorry," I answered before she could speak.  "I just need some time to
figure this out before I talk about it."

The conversation was about over at that point.  Sharon left without saying
much else.  I knew she was pissed at me but I didn't have the strength to
worry about that.

Each night I sat at home, trying to pass the time.  Every time the phone
rang, I'd glance at the caller ID, not intending to answer it.  On
Wednesday night Drew called.  I hesitated before grabbing the phone but the
thought of hearing his voice brought a split second of comfort.

"Hey."

"Hey, Alex.  How are you?  Didn't you get my messages?  I've been calling
the last couple of days."

"I know.  Sorry about that.  It's been one of those weeks."

"That's okay," he replied.  "I'm just glad to hear your voice."

"I second that.  So, where are you?"

"Cincinnati.  I flew home today so I could get the HIV test.  Didn't you
get the email with our schedule?  I sent that on Monday morning."

"I did.  Like I said, it's been a rough week."

"Tell me about it," he said with concern.

"If it's okay, I'd rather not."

"Yeah, it's okay."

There was a long moment of silence.  I was trying to figure out if Drew was
really okay with me not talking about what was going on.

"Drew," I said, breaking the silence.  "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"You know how people always say that God only gives people things they can
handle?  Do you think that's true?"

"Where is this coming from, Alex?"

"I don't know.  I guess I'm just thinking about everything I've been
through."

"Well, to answer your question, I'd say yes.  Is this about us?"

"I suppose it is, in a roundabout way," I answered.  "You caught me at an
introspective time, I guess.  I've just been thinking about everything I've
been through.  I'm not saying that my life is harder than anyone else's,
but I've had to deal with a lot.  So maybe God knew I could handle being
gay and losing my family and becoming an alcoholic.  Do you think that's
how it works?"

"I think so.  But you shouldn't be thinking that way, Alex.  All that is
behind you.  Everything is starting to work out for you."  He paused.  "You
know I love you, right?"

"Yeah," I said, feeling the tears well up in my eyes.  "And I love you,
too."

"So forget about the past.  Or, at least don't sit around dwelling on it.
We're going to make this work, Alex.  I promise.  Nothing but good things
are going to happen from now on."

"I'm praying that you're right, Drew."

"I am.  I know it.  Listen, Alex.  I need to run.  My mom just yelled that
dinner is on the table now.  As soon as I get the test results I'll call so
we can see each other.  I love you."

"I love you, too.  Goodnight."

"Bye, Alex."

I hung up the phone and said a little prayer.  I hoped that God was
listening that night.


Scene 62


Every waking moment that week was spent either trying to forget what I was
going through or trying to learn as much as possible about it.  I spent
hours on the internet, researching and trying to figure out what I was up
against.  But then, I'd end up discouraged and frustrated and I'd try to
block out everything.  It wasn't very healthy and to be honest, it was
making me feel a bit schizophrenic.

If you know where to look, the internet can be a great source of
information.  My knowledge of the liver and the entire digestive system was
a bit sketchy, but I soon learned everything I ever needed to know.  I also
researched cancer and I found out it is just as frightening as it sounds.

That day I was sitting in my doctor's office and she said the word,
something popped into my mind.  I remembered Lance Armstrong.  He is a
competitive road cyclist.  The riders of the Tour de France had always
fascinated me.  Called the toughest athletic event in the world, the Tour
is a three-week bike race across the mountains and valleys of France.
Lance had won the Tour, but that wasn't the remarkable thing about him.
Lance was a cancer survivor.  His doctors gave him a less than twenty
percent chance to live, but he beat the odds.

When I started investigating cancer, I sought out information about Lance.
But what I found scared me.  Lance said, in effect, that good people get
cancer and die, while others live for no good reason.  Cancer, apparently,
doesn't recognize virtue.  Karma doesn't count.

Lance also talked about "cancer pain".  It's a pain that is so deep it
strikes you down without thought.  I've always had a high tolerance to
pain, but the thought of it scared me.  I didn't know if I could take it.

Despite my own admonitions, I was letting all of this get to me.  I had
told myself that I wasn't going to burden my friends by having them worry.
I told myself that I shouldn't worry until I knew there was something to
worry about.  Unfortunately, I wasn't listening.

I was sitting in my office on Thursday afternoon when the phone rang.  It
was my doctor.

"So what now?" I asked, terrified of her response.

"I just got the lab work back on the blood we drew on Monday.  It's not
good news, Alex."

"Fuck!" I said under my breath.  "Sorry."

"Don't apologize.  Your indirect bilirubin has gone up.  Not a lot, but it
is still is up.  The good news is that your direct count is steady.  I
called the specialist you're going to see on Monday.  He's already set you
up for more tests."

"What kind of tests?"

"First you'll meet with the doctor.  Then you'll probably have an
ultrasound on your abdomen and a CAT scan."

"No needles?" I hoped.

"Sorry, Alex," she said with sincerity.  "I'm sure they'll draw more
blood."

I sighed, not really knowing what else to say.

"I know it's next to impossible," she said, "but try not to worry about
this.  Nothing has been confirmed.  There's always a chance this could be
nothing."

"Thanks.  I'll try."

"Okay.  Goodbye, Alex."

My head was swimming, but for the first time in quite awhile I wasn't
feeling anything.  I was totally numb.  I sat there, unable to move and
unable to think.  When I finally snapped to, I looked at the clock and
realized I was going to be late if I didn't leave right away.  I had a
training appointment with Mike.  Although I really didn't want to be around
him for an hour, I knew I couldn't cancel again without him getting
suspicious.  I really just wanted to go home.

When I got to the gym I jumped on one of the stationary bikes to warm up.
I was right next to the fitness desk where all the trainers sit.  I looked
over and saw Mike and Aaron talking.  Every once in awhile they would
laugh.  It had been so long since I was able to laugh.  After a couple of
minutes, Mike came over.

"You ready for me?" he asked.

"As I'll ever be," I commented as I climbed off the bike.

"Feeling up to this?  I mean, since you missed Monday?"

"Sure.  It's chest, shoulders, and biceps today."

"Let's go," he said as he clapped his hand on my shoulder, giving it a
subtle squeeze.

As we headed over to the free weights, Mike looked at me, as if he were
sizing me up.

"What is it?" I asked.

"I don't get you, Alex."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, last week you couldn't shut up about him and now you're not saying
anything.  Did the weekend go that badly?"

"On the contrary.  I'm in love with him."

My succinct answer must have caught Mike off guard.  He simply looked at me
with a grin on his face.

"Can we get on with this?" I asked, gesturing at the bench press.  I knew I
was being a jerk but I just didn't have it in me to talk about Drew.  At
that point I was trying to not think about him.  I suspect I was feeling
guilty about not telling him I might be sick.

"Jesus!  What's wrong with you today?" he practically snarled.

"Just drop it, Mike."

I could see the anger in his eyes.  I knew he was ready to strangle me but
I also knew he'd never say anything to me while he was at the gym.

"Let's go, then," he replied.  "Four sets.  Twelve reps each."

Lying on my back I looked up at the ceiling.  Mike was behind me, ready to
help me lift the bar.  I could feel his eyes on me.  I wanted to disappear.
I started my first set.  With each repetition I tried to block out the
thoughts that were running through my mind.  I tried to focus on the
muscles I was working, but as they fatigued all I could think about was the
pain.  I began to wonder how different "cancer pain" was.

Between sets neither of us spoke.  I could tell Mike was mad at me because
he usually offers some words of encouragement.  It was the middle of my
third set when he finally said something.

"Come on, Alex!"

I was struggling.  Four sets at the weight I was at normally would have
been easy, but the lack of sleep and proper nutrition had taken its toll.

"Don't give up!  You can do this!"

My field of vision began to narrow and I felt as though I was about to
faint.  I put all my energy into one more rep just so I could return the
bar to the rack.  Try as I might, I wasn't able to do it.  Suddenly, my
left arm gave way, sending the barbell on a collision course with my body.
Mike grabbed the bar, probably saving me from a cracked rib.

"I got ya," he said as he put the bar on the rack.

I laid there, somewhat stunned.  A flood of emotions came over me.
Everything I had felt that week had suddenly come back.  The tears soon
followed.  Normally I would have been embarrassed to break down at the gym,
but at that point I didn't care.  I couldn't stop it.

"Alex?"

"I'm sorry," I said sitting up.  "I can't help it."

"This isn't about the weights, is it?"

"No," I sobbed.

"Come on."  He moved to walk away but I didn't follow.  He sighed as he
turned to face me.  He reached down and physically pulled me up.  Guiding
me towards Aaron's office, he tried his best to shield me from the other
people at the gym.  I didn't really notice.

"Sorry," Mike said as he opened Aaron's door.  At first I thought he was
talking to me but when I looked up I saw that Aaron was on the phone.  Mike
turned to leave but Aaron motioned for us to stay.

"Can I call you back?" Aaron said into the phone.  "Thanks."

I nearly collapsed in the chair that was nearest the door.  I couldn't stop
crying so I simply looked down at my feet and watched the tears fall.

"Did he get hurt?" Aaron asked Mike.

"No.  I'm not sure what's wrong.  Is it too much to ask if we."

"I'll get out of here for awhile.  Let me know if I can help."

"Thanks, Aaron."

As soon as Aaron left, Mike sat down in the chair next to me and placed his
hand on my back.  As he gently rubbed he whispered, "It's going to be okay,
Alex.  Whatever's wrong, we'll fix."

I looked up at him and it hit me how much I loved him.  He was both my best
friend and the big brother I always wanted.

"You can't fix this one," I said as the tears began to stop.  "There's
nothing you can do."

"Tell me what's wrong," he pleaded.

"I went to my doctor and she thinks.I might." The words got stuck in my
throat.  I hadn't said them out loud yet.  "She thinks I might have
cancer."

"Shit!"

"That pretty much sums it up," I said, trying to laugh.

"How long have you known?"

"Monday."

"And you waited until today to tell me?" he asked incredulously.

"I didn't want you to worry."

"You didn't want me to worry?" he stammered.  "Please tell me you told
Drew."

"No."

"You mean you've been dealing with this on your own.  That's insane."

"Until I knew for sure I wasn't going to tell anyone.  Although I got the
results of some more tests today and they're not good.  I have an
appointment with a specialist on Monday."

"When do you need me there?"

I couldn't help myself.  When Mike said those words to me I started crying
again.  Too often I'd forget that I'm not alone.  For whatever reason, Mike
cared about me enough to stand by me through everything I'd been through.

"You don't need to come."

"Like hell I don't.  After all the bitching you did about being in the
hospital I'm not about to let you go through this on your own."

"I can't let you do that," I insisted.

"You're not 'letting' me do anything," he said angrily.  "Like it or not,
you're stuck with me.  You'd do the same thing for me if our roles were
reversed.  If you're sick, we'll fight it together."

At that moment, I didn't have anything else to say.  Mike reached over and
pulled me into a hug.  It surprised me, because he hadn't never really been
the kind of guy who hugs.  I let myself fall against him, giving in to the
desire for someone to hold me.  For that split-second, I felt safe.  I felt
as though I could beat anything.


Scene 63


It was Friday night and although I initially protested, Mike convinced me
to hang out with him.  It felt odd because we never really did that.  We
saw each other at the gym all the time and we talked on the phone but we
never really did much else together.  He obviously was worried about me
being alone and the truth was I was worried, too.  I was glad he talked me
into it.

After work I walked home and grabbed my truck.  Driving over to Mike's
apartment, I clicked on the radio.  Just as I turned onto his street,
"Because of You" came on.  It was the guys' first big hit.  I couldn't just
turn it off, so I sat in the car until it over.  It was good to hear Drew's
voice, even if it was disguised in their perfect harmonies.

As I got out and walked towards Mike's place, I had to chuckle.  He lived
above a family-owned drug store in an older part of St. Paul.  It was an
ugly brick building built in the early fifties.  I walked in the door
around the side of the building and climbed the narrow staircase that led
upstairs.  At the top was a short hall that led to the four apartments.  I
never could figure out why Mike still lived there, since I was fairly
certain he was making far more money than I was.  He seemed to like it,
though.

"It's about time," he said as he opened the door.

"What?  I just got off work thirty minutes ago."

"No.  Not that.  I saw you sitting down there in your car.  It looked like
you were debating whether to come up."

"Nothing like that," I said.  "I was listening to a song on the radio by a
certain group I happen to like."

"Let me guess." he grinned.

"Well, it sure wasn't *NSync."

"Just get in here," he said as he shut the door.

I collapsed on the couch and put my feet up on the coffee table, which got
me a stern look.  I quickly removed them and shrugged my shoulders, which
seemed to satisfy him.

"It's been forever since we've done anything like this," I said.  "What
exactly are we going to do, anyway?"

"Well, if I know you like I think I do, I'd bet money that you haven't been
eating this week."

"I haven't," I confirmed.

"So, food is definitely in order.  And we're not going to worry about our
diets.  Pizza and junk food."

"You know I can't eat that crap."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because you'll give me hell on Monday during my training session when I
report on what I ate over the weekend."

"Trust me, that's not going to happen.  Besides, I assumed our appointment
on Monday was cancelled."

"Why?"

"You're getting those tests done on Monday."

"Oh," I said.  For a split-second I had forgotten.  I felt my heart sink a
bit.

"Sorry.  I didn't mean to remind you."

"That's okay."

Mike said something and left the room.  At that point I wasn't listening so
I'm not sure why he left.  I began to wonder if I ever was going to be able
to forget about what I was going through.  I was hoping that Monday would
be the day I'd find out.  If I did indeed have cancer, I wanted to know.
There was so much to consider and not knowing was making it difficult to
plan.

"You know you'll get through this, right?"

Mike was standing in front of me, handing me a glass of water.

"You will," he repeated.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I've seen how you fight.  You don't give up, Alex.  You've been
through so much."

"That's just it!" I spat back.  "Why do I have to go through something else
like this?  Haven't I been through enough shit for one life?  Just when
things are starting to come together.and now this.  It's not fair."

"No, it's not."

"Then why me?" I said nearly crying.  "Why am I always the one who gets his
heart broken?  Why am I the one who has to make all the sacrifices?  I'm so
sick of all this shit.  Just when I start to feel a moment of happiness I
have it all torn away.  Why the fuck does it have to be me?  Why can't
someone else get cancer?"

The anger I had been feeling all week had finally come to the surface.  I
felt it coming from deep within and I could do nothing to stop it.  I could
feel my face turning red and my blood racing.

"Why does it have to be me?" I demanded.

Mike stood there not knowing what to say.

"Why me?" I screamed.

As those last words flew from my mouth my body tensed.  The glass I had
been holding shattered from the strength of my grip.  Looking down, I saw
the shards of glass falling to the floor.  Seconds later I felt a stinging
pain and saw the blood well up from several places on my hand.  I couldn't
move, simply letting the drops of blood fall and splatter on the hardwood
floor.  For some unknown reason, a smile came across my face.  For the
first time all week, I finally felt like I was in control.

I had lost all track of time, but it probably was only seconds before Mike
had grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my bloody hand.  Without
speaking, he led me to the bathroom.  Carefully removing the towel, he slid
my hand behind the cold water.  The sensation shocked me back into full
consciousness.

"What happened?" I asked as I watched the crimson water disappear down the
drain.

"Don't worry about it.  You just needed to get that out of your system."

Over the next several minutes, Mike carefully cleaned my wounds and wrapped
a bandage around my hand.

"It's nothing major," he said when he was nearly done.  "It looks like
about three cuts.  They should heal pretty quickly."

"Thanks," I said.  "And sorry about that."

"Don't be sorry, Alex.  You've never had to deal with something like this
before.  There's no right way to handle it.  One way or another you'll get
through it.  Actually, we'll get through it together."

I looked at his eyes and I thought I saw a tear begin to form.  Quickly
turning away, he said, "Can we order some pizza now?"

Following him back to the living room I put my hand on his shoulder.
"Sure, Mike."

Later that evening I was reclining on Mike's couch, watching TV.  I had
eaten one too many slices of pizza and I was feeling a bit ill.  I glanced
over at Mike, who was sitting in his recliner.  I couldn't tell, but I
thought he might be asleep.  It was about ten o'clock, which was late for
him since he usually gets up at 4:30 in the morning.

"Mike?  You asleep?"

"No.  Just resting.  Why?"

"Maybe I should go," I said.

"No.  You should stay.  It's kind of nice to have someone around here for a
change."

"So," I ventured, "do you ever get lonely living here by yourself?"

He sat up and turned to face me.  Stretching, he yawned and rubbed his
eyes.

"Sometimes."

"Do you ever think you're going to get married?" I asked.  "In all this
time I've known you I've only heard you talk about two girls.  Why aren't
you at least dating someone?"

"For the same reason it took you this long to find Drew.  I don't want to
settle."

"Settle?  What do you mean?"

"I mean I don't want to be with someone just to be with someone.  If I'm
going to get married, I want it to be because I can't stop thinking about
her.  That's never really happened."

"Do you think it will?" I asked.

"I hope so.  It happened to you."

My mind filled with images of Drew.  I could almost feel the last time I'd
touched him.

"You have to tell him," Mike said.

"I know."

"Go in my bedroom and call him.  He needs to know, Alex."

I knew Mike was right.  If I was sick, Drew needed to know the truth.  I
didn't doubt that he would stand by me, but I didn't want to put him in
that situation.  I knew, however, that I didn't have any choice.  Having
Mike there to support me, should anything go wrong, was a comfort.  I stood
up and walked into Mike's bedroom.  I purposely left the door open.  I
didn't have anything to hide from Mike.

I picked up the phone and dialed Drew's cell.  As I heard it ringing, I
closed my eyes and silently said a prayer that everything would work out.

"Hello."

"Hey, honey."

"Alex!  Where have you been?  I've been calling you all night."

"I'm over at Mike's," I said.

"Oh.  Is everything okay?"

"Yes," I lied.  "I mean, I hope so.  There's something I want to talk to
you about."

"Okay," he said.  "But can I ask you something first?"

"Go ahead."

"Are you up for some company this weekend?  I got the test results back
this afternoon.  Everything checked out.  I've been calling to see if it
was okay for me to come see you.  I missed the last flight out tonight but
I could come in the morning."

I wasn't expecting Drew to ask to come visit so soon.  Honestly, I had
forgotten about his HIV test with everything I had been going through.  For
a split-second I almost told him not to come.  I didn't know if having him
around would help or hurt.  Finally, I realized I needed him with me.

"Drew, you're always welcome to stay with me."

"Great!  I'll get in around ten.  I'll grab a taxi and go to your place."

"Okay."

"Now that that's settled," he said, "what did you want to talk about?"

"It's nothing," I lied.  "It can wait until I see you."

"Are you sure?  It must have been important if you're calling me from
Mike's house."

"It's not that big a deal.  It can wait."

We talked for another ten minutes.  Actually, Drew talked and I listened.
I was too afraid I'd give away my true feelings if I spoke.  All in all, it
was good to hear his voice and I was excited to see him, even if it would
be difficult telling him what was happening with me.

"How'd he take it?" Mike asked as I walked back into the living room.

"I didn't tell him."

"Alex!"

"No, I was going to but then he asked if he could visit this weekend.
He'll be here tomorrow morning.  It will be better if I can tell him in
person."

"You're right.  I would have done the same thing.  You're not worried are
you?"

"No.  Nervous, maybe, but not worried."

"He loves you.  This isn't going to change that."

"I hope not."

"It won't," Mike reassured me.  "You don't have to worry about losing
Drew."

Only time would tell.


Scene 64


As soon as I opened the door he was on top of me.  Before I could say
anything he was kissing me.  Judging by the amount of tongue he was using,
it was safe to assume he was glad to see me.

"Whoa!" I exclaimed when he finally came up for air.  "I should shut the
door before my neighbors think I'm.well.doing this."

In one swift motion I kicked the door closed and pinned Drew against the
wall.  He dropped his bag and let his hands run across my back.  We kissed
again, although this time it was slightly more civilized.

"I've missed you," he said.

"Come on," I laughed.  "It's only been five days."

"That's five too many in my book."

I smiled at how adolescent our conversation sounded.

"What happened to your hand?" Drew asked.

"Broken glass," I said as I rubbed my fingers over the bandages.  I leaned
in and kissed him on the forehead.  Grabbing his bag, I walked towards the
bedroom.

"I probably shouldn't make assumptions here," I said turning around.
"You're welcome to sleep on the couch, but I figured you might be more
comfortable in the bedroom."

"That's pretty much a given," he laughed.

"That settles it.  You get the bed; I'll take the couch."

"Wait a minute!" he pouted.

"I'm kidding."

I walked into my bedroom and put his bag on the bed.  Momentarily alone, my
mind began racing about what I had to do.  Drew needed to know the truth
but I wasn't sure when I should tell him.  I looked out the window and saw
the sun reflecting off the river.  It struck me that everything in this
world continues on despite what goes on in people's lives.

"What's up?" he said as he wrapped his arms around my waist from behind.  I
didn't hear him come in the room and he startled me a bit.

"Nothing," I said as I turned to face him.  I stared into his beautiful
eyes.  "Do you mind if we take a walk?  There's something I want to talk to
you about."

"I knew there was something wrong when I talked to you last night.  This
doesn't sound good."

"Come on," I said, leading him towards the front door.  "I just want to be
outside, with you."

Once outside, we walked to the corner and made a right turn, heading away
from Downtown.  Another 300 yards and we were at the river.  We both
stopped to take in the view.  Every time I see it I still get chills.
While the Mississippi might not be as mighty in Minnesota near the
headwaters as it is near the Gulf of Mexico, it still is a pretty awesome
sight.

"I know you told me you lived by the river but I didn't think it was this
close."

"Yeah," I said.  "I guess the only time you were at my place was at night
when you can't see it as well from my windows.  One of the reasons I bought
the place was because I wanted to be close to the river.  Growing up in LA,
you don't get to see nature like this."

We stood quietly, enjoying the moment together before starting to walk
again.  We were standing on the Hennepin Avenue Bridge.  I guided Drew down
the steps, leading him to the path along the banks.  I headed upstream,
knowing that there would be fewer people in that direction.

As we walked, the silence between us grew more and more uncomfortable.
Several times I opened my mouth to speak but no words would come out.  I
didn't know how to say it.  I didn't even know if I wanted to say it.
While it seemed like a good idea at the time, I was starting to reconsider
bringing up such a sensitive subject in public.

"Maybe I shouldn't have come," Drew announced, suddenly stopping in the
middle of the trail.

"Why do you say that?"

"I just assumed that you want to be with me as much as I want to be with
you.  That wasn't fair to you.  I called you last night and announced I was
coming to see you.  You told me there was something you wanted to tell me
and I ignored that and invited myself here."

"Don't say that, Drew.  I do want you here."

"There why are we out here and not back in your bedroom?  I don't mean to
be crass but I thought we'd both be naked right about now."

His words stung a little.  I knew that if he knew about what I was going
through, he never would have said them.  I took a moment to survey the
situation, trying to understand his point of view.  It only took a split
second but I decided what I needed to do.  I would tell Drew the truth, but
only after we had been together.

"That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about," I lied.  "I've been
trying to get myself to talk ever since we left my place but the words just
didn't come."

I stepped off the path and sat down on the grass.  The sun was shining
brightly for a September morning and I could feel myself beginning to
sweat.  Drew sat down across from me and crossed his legs beneath himself.

"First off," I began.  "I'm so glad to hear that your HIV test was
negative."

"Me, too."

"But there's a decision we need to make, Drew.  If either of us plans on
sleeping with anyone else, there are certain things we won't be able to do.
Plus, we'll always have to use condoms.  It's just not safe if we don't."

"Alex, I don't plan on being with anyone but you.  I love you and to me
that means I'm with you and no one else."

"Good," I smiled.  "I feel the same way.  But if something does happen, we
have to be honest.  Cheating in this day and age can be fatal."

"I understand," he said.  "But that won't be an issue."

I sighed and pulled a few blades of grass.  I proceeded to tear each one
apart as I tried to continue.  Once again, the words didn't seem to come.

"Alex?  Is there something else?"

"I'm nervous, Drew."

"About what?"

"Being with you."

"Why?" he asked.

"I'm a virgin."

"So."

I didn't know what else to say.

"Alex, there's one thing you need to recall.  I've only been with one guy
and I was so drunk I don't really remember it.  Other than him it's just
been Lea so I'm not exactly 'Mr. Experience' over here."

"Still, Drew."

"Look, I have to admit I'm a little surprised, but I'm not shocked.
Judging by everything you've told me about your past, it's not that big a
leap to think that you've never been with anyone.  You're not the kind of
guy who would sleep with just anyone."

"So, if neither of us are that experienced, how do we know if we're doing
it right?" I laughed.

"Practice?" he offered with a smile.

"So maybe we better get started." I said as I stood up.

As we walked back to my apartment I was filled with a nervous energy.  I
was about to be with the man I loved, but at the same time I was dreading
the aftermath.  I still needed to tell Drew I might be sick.  I glanced
over my shoulder at the river, watching it quietly flow.  Whatever was
about to happen, the river would still be there and that gave me a strange
sense of comfort.


Scene 65


As we walked back to my place I desperately wanted to hold Drew's hand but
I knew I couldn't.  We passed several people on the trail but none of them
seemed to recognize Drew.  Still, I knew we couldn't take any chances.
When we were finally alone in the elevator in my building, I leaned over
and gently kissed him.

"Thanks," I whispered.

"For what?"

"For taking me on."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"It's just that I'm kind of a mess.  A lot of guys wouldn't want to be with
me because of all my baggage."

"They would if they loved you."

The elevator doors opened and I led him down the hall to my door.  Once we
got inside, I turned and looked at him.

"So," I said hesitantly.  "Do you really love me?  No matter what?"

"No matter what, Alex."  He paused.  "Is something wrong?  You know we
don't have to do this if you're not ready.  I'll still love you."

"Nothing's wrong.  I just wanted to make sure.  Right now, at this moment
nothing is wrong."

I pulled him close; so close I could feel his breath on my cheek.  As soon
as we started kissing I knew it would be okay.  Right then I needed to feel
safe and I knew that being with Drew would make me feel that way.  His
hands slid under my shirt and began rubbing my back.  I could feel the
electricity between us.  It was something we both had wanted for what
seemed like an eternity and it was about to happen.

We went into the bedroom and I put Drew's suitcase on the floor.  I sat
down on the bed and leaned back on my elbows.  I could feel the sun shining
through the window.  Still standing, Drew looked down at me and grinned.
He took off his cap and in one quick motion he pulled off his shirt.  His
hands moved to undo his belt, but I had other ideas.

"Wait!" I said.

I sat up and slowly peeled off my own shirt.  Reaching out, my hands came
to rest on his abs.  I could feel the strong, powerful muscles as he
breathed in and out.  Taking my time, I undid his belt and pulled it off.
Next, I carefully undid the top button of his jeans.  Before proceeding, I
looked up.  He had an almost painful look on his face.  Obviously, I wasn't
going as fast as he wanted but I was going to make him wait just a bit
longer.  Taking a deep breath, I slid down the zipper of his pants.  I
could feel his cock rising beneath the fabric.  I totally surprised him by
yanking down his pants in one quick motion.  He stood there, obviously
aroused in his boxers.

"You know," I chuckled.  "I think I'll let you take off your shoes and
socks or this will take all afternoon."

"Thank God!" he exclaimed as he sat next to me.  "Not that I would be
complaining."

In a matter of moments we both had our shoes and socks off.  I don't know
why, but it crossed my mind that it would be difficult to know whose socks
belonged to who.

"At the risk of sounding crude, would you please take off your pants," he
said somewhat apologetically.

I grinned as I stood up and turned to face him.  It felt a bit awkward, but
I began to strip for Drew.  I pulled off my pants and started to take off
my boxer-briefs when I froze.  Drew picked up on it immediately.

"It's okay to be nervous," he said quietly.  "And I meant what I said,
Alex.  If you're not ready for this."

Before I lost my nerve I pulled off the last remaining article of clothing
and sort of shrugged my shoulders.  I could feel my dick begin to rise as
Drew watched.

"You're incredible," he smiled.  "I guess it's my turn."

He leaned back on the bed and lifted his hips just long enough to pull off
his boxers.  His cock was hard and it slapped up against his body.

"Damn!" I exclaimed.

"So I take it we both approve?"

Before I could answer he reached out and pulled me onto the bed.  He rolled
me onto my back and then pressed his body against mine.  As he began
kissing me, I could feel his hard dick pressing up against mine.  The
sensation was nearly indescribable.  I felt as though I was floating.  It
was a feeling I never wanted to end.

Drew, however, had other plans for me.  He pulled his mouth away from mine.
He kissed me on the chin, and then on my neck.  I quickly figured out his
plan as he continued to move down my body.  He spent a few moments gently
kissing my pecks.  I felt a shiver run though my spine and he playfully bit
each of my nipples.  Then, he continued, moving closer to my cock.

"Oh, Drew!"

In one quick motion he had sucked my cock into his mouth.  As his tongue
began to work it's way across my head, I felt as though I had died and gone
to heaven.  I never imagined anything could feel so good.  His hands
reached down and began massaging my balls, all while he was sucking up and
down.

"Drew," I warned.  "I think I'm."

Before I could finish my sentence I began to feel my cum welling up.  I
moaned loudly as I began to pump out stream after stream.  Drew's wet mouth
stayed wrapped around my dick as he swallowed.  My field of vision began to
narrow and I felt like I was about to pass out.  When I finally realized
what had just happened I looked down and saw Drew smiling up at me.
Reaching down, I pulled him close to me, kissing him.  As his tongue
pressed against mine, I could taste my cum.

"That was incredible," I said when I was finally able to speak.

"It was," he agreed with a smile.

"Drew, I want you to make love to me."

"Are you sure?"

"More than anything."

I slid out from beneath him and reached over to my nightstand.  I retrieved
the bottle of lube I had hidden there that morning.  Drew laughed when he
realized I had come prepared.  Applying some to my hand, I reached over and
grabbed his dick.  He squirmed involuntarily as I worked it up and down his
stiff shaft.  Laying on my back I pulled up legs up and gave him easy
access.  Looking into my eyes, he guided his dick into me.  As soon as he
entered I flinched in pain.

"I'm sorry," he said as he quickly pulled out.

With one hand I reached up and grabbed his neck.  I pulled his face to mine
and kissed him ferociously.  With the other hand I firmly grabbed his butt
and pulled him toward me.  In one quick second he was in me and the pain
was quickly turning to pleasure.

"Make love to me," I whispered.

Drew began to slowly slid in and out, all the while looking directly into
my eyes.  Staring up at his beautiful face I knew this was right.  I had
never felt so close to anyone in my life.  The feeling was magical: both
intensely erotic and incredibly comforting.

After a few minutes Drew began to moan, signaling that he was close.  His
thrusts became shorter and quicker.  Finally, he couldn't hold off any
longer.  As he cried out I could feel him cum deep within me.  Seconds
later I shot a second load without even touching my cock.  Drew nearly
collapsed on top of me as he kissed me.  We stayed there, locked together
for several minutes.

"Wait right there," he finally said.  He disappeared but quickly returned
with a towel.  He carefully cleaned up the mess that was all over my body.
Then, he settled in close to me.

"Thank you," he said as he kissed me on the forehead.

"I'd say I should be thanking you."

We both laughed and I pulled him into a hug.

"Alex.  Promise me we'll do this for the rest of our lives."

The reality of my situation suddenly came crashing down around me.  I
looked deep into his eyes and said a silent prayer.

"I hope we can, Drew."

To be continued..


Author's Note: I imagine I might take some heat from this installment, as
some of you may think it's a bit overdramatic.  But.I write this from
experience.  The last words you ever want to hear from your doctor is that
you might have cancer.  Just like being gay, the confusion and denial I
faced shaped who I am.  Without ruining the story, I'll just say that I'm
okay (so don't worry too much about Alex).  Take care and be good.  -Thack

Send feedback to: thack98@mindspring.com