Date: Sat, 6 Jul 2002 01:05:08 -0400
From: Thack <thack98@mindspring.com>
Subject: What I Feel For You 66-68

Do not break any laws by reading this.  If you are in doubt if you are
breaking a law, stop reading.  That means if you are under age, stop now and
visit an educational site.  Any questions?  If so, please read the
disclaimer on the first installments.  Also, remember this is fiction.

This installment is a little shorter than usual, but I needed to end it like
I did for dramatic reasons.  I'll try not to make you wait too long before I
post again.

Thank you, everyone, for the emails.  I touches me that you take the time to
write to me.  For any of you authors, please know that I try to read your
stuff.  It's hard for me to read other stories involving 98 Degrees.  I'm so
involved in my characters it feels funny to read about them someone else's
story.

Let the record state that I am not sick.  I am 100% healthy and I didn't
intend to mislead anyone into thinking that I'm not.  I do, however, write
from experience.  Everything that is happening to Alex right now happened to
me.  (Hmmm...that means you probably shouldn't worry about Alex.)

Lastly, I want to thank Jase.

Thack

thack98@mindspring.com


Scene 66


Drew and I fell asleep in each other's arms.  I woke first, stretching and
trying not to wake him up.  I managed to extricate myself from the tangle
of arms and legs.  Not bothering to get dressed I sat up and looked out the
window.  I didn't bother to look at the clock but judging by the angle of
the sun, it probably was about 5:30 in the afternoon.  I turned back and
looked at Drew.  His sleeping form looked so peaceful.  He looked so happy
and I knew I was about to ruin it.

I couldn't hold back any longer.  I could feel the tears begin to silently
flow.  I turned again and looked out the window.  Off in the distance I
could see where the river bends, flowing from the headwaters.  I don't know
how long I stared at the river or how long I was crying.

"What's wrong, Alex?"

Before I could move I felt Drew hugging me from behind.  His strong arms
wrapped around me and I felt his chest pressing against my back.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked.  "I probably shouldn't have talked
about spending the rest of our live together.  Did I freak you out?"

"No," I whispered.  "This isn't about you and me."

"Then what is it?"

"I can't, Drew.  I can't say it."

He let go and moved so he could look me in the eye.  I saw what could only
be described as fear in his eyes.

"Alex, you're scaring me."

That was the last thing I wanted.  Drew had just made love to me and made
me feel complete for the first time in my life.  And there I was making him
feel the exact opposite feeling.

"I'm sick, Drew," I finally managed to say.

"What is it, Alex?  Do you need me to get you something?"

I don't know why but I laughed at the thought of that.  I knew there was
nothing that Drew could get me that would make it better.

"My doctor," I began, "thinks I may have.cancer."

Drew sat there, nearly motionless.  At first I didn't think he heard me, so
I began to say it again.  When I opened my mouth to speak, he nodded his
head, letting me know I didn't need to say it again.  I stared into his
hazel eyes and watched as a single tear rolled down his cheek.  He leaned
in and kissed me on the forehead before pulling me into a hug.  He held me
and rocked me as I continued to cry.

"Shhh," he whispered.  "I'm here, baby."

When I was finally done crying, Drew let go and stood up.  He retrieved
some clothes from my dresser and handed them to me.  Without talking, we
both got dressed and then walked into my living room.  We sat down on the
couch and although I'm sure he didn't mean for me to feel that way, I felt
as though I was in court on the witness stand.

"So, tell me what we're up against,' he said matter-of-factly.

"They don't know," I began.  "Which is really part of the problem."

"Where is it?"

"The liver."

"Oh," he said, trying to remain emotionless.

At that moment I remembered Drew had been an EMT.  While he certainly
wasn't a doctor, I knew he knew a lot more about all of this than I did.
Plus, his cousin had gone through a battle with cancer.  I took it that his
lack of comment meant that liver cancer was probably not easily cured.

"When I went in for my HIV test, my doctor suggested I get blood work done,
just to check everything out.  She found a high bilirubin level in my
blood."

"That doesn't mean cancer, Alex.  I'm trying to remember, but there's this
condition I studied.  I forget the name but it basically is just a high
bilirubin count."

"Gilbert's Syndrome."

"That's it!"

"I know, Drew.  And I've been praying that's all it is.  But, I went in for
more blood tests and the levels have increased within the last week.  My
doctor told me yesterday."

Suddenly a pained look fell over Drew's face.  He looked as though he was
about to be sick.

"This is what you wanted to tell me last night on the phone."

I nodded.

"And all I could do was think about myself.  I keep doing that to you.  How
could you ever forgive me for that?"

"Don't do that!" I said sternly.  "I am just as responsible for telling you
things as you are.  I had plenty of chances in the last week to tell you."

"A week?  You've known about this for a week?"

"Yes," I answered.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he pleaded.

"Because I didn't tell anyone, Drew.  At least, not in the beginning.  I
had decided I wasn't going to worry people until I knew for certain there
was something to worry about.  And before you say anything else, I know
that wasn't very smart.  I ended up practically having a nervous breakdown
at the gym on Thursday.  I ended up telling Mike."

"That's why you were at his place last night."

"Yeah."

"Alex," he said.  "I know I haven't known you as long as Mike, but I
thought we were getting close.  Why didn't you tell me?"

"Please, don't be upset, Drew.  After I told Mike I really wanted to tell
you.  That's why I called you last night.  But then you wanted to come and
see me and I knew it would be better to tell you in person."

"Then why wait until now?"

"I was going to tell you this morning.  That's why I wanted to go for the
walk.  But I decided I wanted to be with you first, before I told you.  I
wanted our first time to be just about us.  I didn't want cancer to be a
part of it."

"It wouldn't have been."

"Really?" I questioned him.  "How can you say that?  Looking at you right
now I can see it on your face.  You already see me differently.  I didn't
want you to make love to me just because you pity me."

In a split second I saw the look on Drew's face change drastically.

"That wouldn't have happened," he said angrily.

"How can you be so sure?  Tell me what you see when you look at me."

"You want to know what I see?" he asked.  "I sure as hell don't look at you
and see pity.  Whatever this is, Alex.  Whether it's cancer or something
else, I can say that you don't deserve it.  You've been down too many roads
like this before and it's not fair that you have to do it again.  But, with
that said, when I look at you I can't help but see Matt.  He never gave up
and we never gave up on him.  There were many days I sat at his bedside
praying that he would wake up.  But never once did I give up on him.  I'll
go through it all over again with you if I have to, but I'm not about to
give up on anyone.  Is that clear?"

I nodded, slightly embarrassed that I had underestimated Drew's commitment
to me.

"I just found you," he said.  "I'm not going to lose you."

"Damn it!" I said as I started crying.  "I told myself I wasn't going to
start crying again."

Drew moved closer and pulled me into a hug.  After a few minutes, I was
finally able to stop the waterworks.

"Let me call Matt," Drew said.  "I want you to see his oncologist."

"That's not necessary, Drew.  I have an appointment on Monday to see a
specialist at the University of Minnesota Cancer Center."

"What time Monday?"

"First thing in the morning."

"I'll change my flight."

"I can't let you do that," I said.

"Too bad.  I'm not about to have you go through this alone."

"I won't be alone.  Mike will be there.  I can't be responsible for you not
being where you need to be."

"Well, now both Mike and I will be there with you.  And we don't have a
performance on Monday.  It's only a meeting and it's not really one I want
to have.  I need to call Nick, though."

"Okay," I acquiesced.  In all honesty, I wanted Drew with me.

Reaching over his shoulder, Drew picked up the phone and called his
brother.

"Yeah, it's Drew," he said into the receiver.  "I need you to do something
for me, bro."

He paused and fidgeted as he tried to answer the question Nick had posed.

"Yeah, Alex is fine.  Listen, I need you to reschedule the meeting on
Monday.  I need to be here."

Although I could hear Nick's voice grow louder on the other end of the
line, I couldn't tell what he was saying.

"I don't care, Nick.  I know it's not a good time and I know that you're
dealing with a lot right now, but I need to be here."

I reached over and grabbed the phone.

"Nick, it's Alex."

"Alex!" Nick said.  "What's going on?  Isn't two days enough with Drew?
We've already rescheduled this meeting twice.  He really needs to be here."

"Don't get mad at him," I said.  "But it's kind of important that he's
here.  I don't know if I can explain."

"Alex, he'll be back soon.  I'm sorry I'm being such a jerk about this, but
I have a lot going on right now.  And I just can't keep pushing off this
meeting."

"Please, Nick," I pleaded.  The more I thought about it, the more I
realized I needed Drew with me.

"Sorry," he replied.  "He'll be back before you know it."

"Nick, can you hang on for a second?"

Before he answered I handed the phone back to Drew.  I looked at him and
sighed.

"I just can't tell him," I said to Drew.  "Can you do it for me?"

"Of course, baby."

"I'm going to go lie down for awhile."

"I'll be in soon."

As I walked out of the room, I could hear Drew trying to prepare Nick for
the news.  I climbed into bed and pulled one of the pillows to my chest.  I
could still smell Drew's scent on the fabric, which calmed me down a bit.
A few minutes later I heard Drew enter the room.

"Do you want to talk to him?" he asked.

"Sure," I said without much enthusiasm as Drew handed me the cordless
phone.

"My God!" Nick said to me when I said hello.  "I'll be there as soon as I
can."

"I appreciate it, Nick, but maybe it's better if you stay away.  Both Drew
and Mike will be here when I go in for the tests on Monday and that's
probably two too many where the doctors are concerned.  And tomorrow I just
want to be alone with Drew.  I hope you understand."

"Of course I do.  Whatever you need, Alex.  You know you can count on me."

"Thanks.  I'm hoping it will turn out to be nothing."

"I'll pray for you," he said.  "Is it okay if I tell Jeff and Justin?"

"I suppose so," I sighed.  "They'll find out sooner or later.  If possible,
just don't tell them until Monday.  I don't think I could handle any more
support right now.  By the way, you can tell Jess if it helps."

"Okay, I'll tell the guys on Monday but I haven't talked to Jess in a
while.  I may not tell her right away."

"Is something up between you and her?"

"No," he replied.  "Forget I even brought it up."

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"I'm positive, Alex.  Just take care of yourself."

"I'm trying."

"If you need anything, please call me." He paused for a second.  "I love
you, Alex."

I wasn't expecting that, although it was exactly the sort of thing Nick
would say.  I got a little choked up.

"That means a lot.  I love you, too."

After I hung up Drew climbed into bed with me.  Holding me in his arms, he
softly sang to me until I fell asleep.


Scene 67


Drew and I spent the remainder of that weekend being as close as possible
to each other.  We both tried valiantly to avoid talking about what I was
going through, although it just felt fake.  Drew spent a couple of hours on
the internet researching and trying to refresh his memory on the liver.  He
mentioned that he had some training when he became an EMT but it wasn't
very in-depth.  I hadn't been sleeping much but having Drew around helped.
Knowing that he was there to help allowed me to rest.  Emotionally and
physically I was exhausted, so we didn't make love.  Just being in his arms
was enough for me.  Drew was amazing about everything.

I had to be at the Cancer Center at the "U" at 7:30 Monday morning.  I put
Mike in charge of transportation since he was always up that early.  When
the alarm went off that morning I reached out and slapped the snooze
button, but Drew prodded me awake.

"Come on, baby," he yawned.  "Let's go make you better."

He had to drag me out of bed but eventually I got in the shower and managed
to wake up.  When I was finished he jumped in after me.  About ten minutes
later he emerged from the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist.
He found me sitting on the couch mindlessly flipping through the stations
on the TV.

"You okay?"

"Sure," I answered noncommittally.

"Do you mind if I grab some food?"

"Of course not.  It's a good thing I'm supposed to fast for the blood
tests.  I don't think I could keep anything down right now."

"You're that nervous?"

I sort of glared at him over my shoulder.

"Sorry," he said.  "Kind of a stupid question."

Drew finished getting dressed just as the phone rang.  It was Mike calling
from the lobby of my building.

"Time to go," I said to Drew.

Just as we headed out Drew's cell phone rang.

"Hello," he said.  After a few moments he handed it to me.  "It's for you."

"Hello?" I asked.

"It's Nick.  I just wanted to call to tell you I was thinking about you."

"You didn't have to do that," I said.  "I wouldn't be up this early if I
didn't have to be."

"You don't even know the half of it," he replied.  "I'm in LA so it's just
past 5."

"Don't get me crying, Nicky.  It means a lot that you called."

"Okay.  I'll let you go.  I love you."

"I love you, too."

I handed the phone back to Drew and smiled.  Knowing that so many people
were pulling for me was starting to give me a glimmer of hope.  I locked my
door and we went downstairs to find Mike.

When I saw Mike standing in the lobby I wondered how long it had been since
he had seen Drew.  I wasn't certain, but I thought it might have been the
first day I saw Drew when I was in the hospital.  Although I hadn't told
Mike that Drew was coming with us, he didn't seem surprised.

"Morning," I said.  "Drew's going to come along."

"Cool," he said as he reached out and shook Drew's hand.

By the time we got to where we were going I was in kind of a daze.  I was
trying hard not to think about what was going on around me.  I was so out
of it, in fact, that Mike had to remind me to get out of the car once he
found a parking space.  We entered a tall, imposing brick building and rode
the elevator to the oncology clinic.  My doctor, Monica must have gotten me
the first appointment of the day because we were the only ones there.  Mike
went to check in while Drew and I sat down.  Drew must have noticed how
nervous I was because he reached over and squeezed my knee.  Mike returned
and we sat in relative silence for about five minutes.  After awhile a
nurse came out.

"The doctor is ready for you."

All three of us stood up and walked towards the open door.

"I'm sorry," the nurse said.  "Only family from here on."

I turned and looked at Drew and Mike, not knowing what to do.

"We're the only family he has," Mike said to the nurse.  "All of his family
is gone."

"Okay.  Then one of you can come with Mr. Jackson."

When she said that, my heart sank.  I was trapped.  I didn't know whom to
choose.  Mike was my best friend and the closest thing to real family that
I had.  Drew, on the other hand, knew more about cancer than Mike and I had
the feeling he would ask the right questions of the doctor.

"Wait here," Drew said to both Mike and me.

He walked over the to nurse and whispered something to her.  I looked at
Mike, who seemed as lost as I was as to what he was doing.  Moments later
the nurse smiled.  Drew gestured for both of us to follow.  She led us down
a series of long, sterile corridors.  Eventually we came to a small
conference room where we were to wait for the doctor.

"So how did you manage that one?" Mike asked Drew when we were finally
alone.

"I played the celebrity card.  I don't do it very often but I wasn't about
to make Alex choose between us."

"Wise move," Mike noted.

I was about to say something when the doctor walked in.  He was a tall man,
probably about 45 years old.  He had dark hair that was turning gray and a
long face.

"Well, well, well," he said as he stood across from us.  "My nurse,
Patricia seems to think it's in the best interest of the patient that both
of you are here.  I take it you had something to do with that, Mr. Lachey."

Drew simply stared back at him, somewhat dumbfounded at being recognized.

"Don't look so shocked, young man.  Just because I'm old doesn't mean I'm
totally out of touch.  My daughters watch 'TRL' constantly."  He started to
laugh at himself.  "At least you're not one of those hoodlums from Limp
Biskit."

I don't think Mike or Drew knew how to react but I started laughing.  The
doctor smiled and reached out to shake my hand.

"I'm Dr. Gaffney.  You can call me that, or Patrick, but I prefer 'Gaf'.
I'm not one for formality.  I take it you're Alex."

"I am.  You obviously know Drew.  This is my pseudo-big-brother Mike."

After handshakes were exchanged, Gaf sat down across from us.

"So, Alex," he began.  "What's going on?"

"I thought you were going to tell me."

"How are you feeling?"

"Do you want to know the truth?"

"Of course."

"I'm scared."

"That's perfectly natural.  I imagine you've been left in the dark about
what's going on with you.  We doctors don't like to share all the
information sometimes.  But I'm here to change that.  I'll tell you as much
or as little as you want about what's going to happen."

I took a deep breath and slowly let it out.  I was beginning to feel more
comfortable around Gaf.  He seemed like someone I could trust.

"Now, it works both ways," he said.  "I'll tell you everything I know, but
you have to do the same.  Some of the questions I might ask might sound
pretty personal but I need you to be honest with me."

"I will be."

"Are you sure you want both of these guys here?  I don't want you to be
embarrassed."

"I need them, Gaf."

"Alright, then."  He looked at Drew and then at Mike.  "I need to know from
you two if you are committed to helping Alex.  Whatever happens to him, he
is going to need your support."

"I'm not going anywhere," Mike quickly said.

"We're not going anywhere," Drew corrected.  "We're a team."

"Good.  Let's get started."

Over the next hour Dr. Gaffney asked me just about every question
imaginable.  I tried to be as honest as I possibly could be.  He asked
about my diet and exercise program, sleeping patterns, and stress levels.
He asked about my hand and Mike carefully explained how I broke the glass.
Drew glanced at me with concern.  Then he asked about my sexual
orientation.

"I'm gay."

"Are you sexually active?"

"Yes," I said, trying to hide the smile.  Mike couldn't help himself, as he
started grinning from ear to ear.

"Do you practice safe sex?  Condoms?"

"No," I replied.  "But it's a monogamous relationship and we were both
tested before we got together."

I could tell Drew was getting uncomfortable with the line of questions and
I almost regretted having him stay in the room.  To his credit, Mike tried
to not look at Drew but he wasn't very successful at it.

"By the way, everything that you say in this room is confidential.  That
includes both of you," he said, gesturing to Mike and a very red-faced
Drew.  "Besides, I'm not about to break the heart of my fifteen-year-old
with that information."

I had to laugh.  Gaf was much more in tune with the dynamic of my
relationship with Drew than I thought.  I reached over and patted Drew on
the knee.  He looked like he wanted to disappear.  I felt sorry for him
because he had only come out to himself a short time before and there I was
practically outing him to my doctor.  Deep inside, I'm sure he knew that
Gaf was only interested in helping me.

"Okay, enough embarrassing Mr. Lachey.  Back to work.  What is your alcohol
consumption like?"

"I'm in recovery."

"How long?"

"Four years in January."

"Congratulations.  How long were you drinking?"

"Off and on heavily for 4 or 5 years," I said.  "Do you think that might
have caused this?"

"It's a concern.  Cirrhosis of the liver does contribute to an increased
risk of cancer.  Do you have any family history of alcoholism?"

"I don't really know.  My father left when I was about eight and he died a
short time later.  My mother walked out when I was about 19."

"Any contact with grandparents?"

"No," I sighed.  "I was pretty much thrown out of the family.  I wouldn't
even know where to find any of them."

"Okay," Gaf said.  "Having a thorough family history is helpful but it's
not vital.  We'll cross that bridge later if we need."

About twenty minutes later the doctor announced it was time to send me to
the lab.  I needed to get more blood drawn.  Next, I would get an
ultrasound followed by a CAT scan.

"Gaf," I said as he stood up.  "What do you think it is?"

"Let's wait until we get some more tests."

"Just tell me.  You said you're not into formality."

"Well," he began.  "I have a hunch this could turn out to be Gilbert's
Syndrome.  But if it is something worse, it's going to be primary liver
cancer.  Either way we'll deal with it, Alex.  Okay?  Patricia will be in
in just a couple of minutes to take you to the lab."

We all sat in silence.  Mike was the first to speak.

"See, Alex.  It's probably nothing."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Drew looking down at his hands.  His face
was white as a ghost.

"Drew?" Mike said, noticing him also.

"What's wrong, honey?" I asked.

"Nothing," he said, clearly lying.  A few seconds later he said, "I was
just totally embarrassed.  That's all."

I knew there was something else going on with Drew but I didn't want to
push it.  Honestly, I was afraid of what he was thinking.

"Don't worry, Lachey," Mike snickered, interrupting my thought.  "Just
because I'm learning all about your sex life with Alex doesn't mean you
have to be embarrassed."

Mike, who was clearly enjoying this, had a huge smile plastered on his
face.  To his credit, Drew tried to defend himself.

"You're just jealous of Alex," he shot back with a grin on his face.

"Enough," I said as I started to laugh.

Before things got out of hand, Patricia showed up and took me to get my
blood drawn.  Mike and Drew went back to the waiting room.  Suddenly, I
felt very alone.


Scene 68


"You don't need to explain it," I said.  "This is about the third blood
test in the past week."

Patricia smiled at me sympathetically.  She was an attractive woman,
probably about my age.  She had short blond hair and a pretty smile.

"Do you have good veins?" she asked with a chuckle.

"According to the others who have stuck me, I do."

"Can I ask you something, Mr. Jackson?"

"Sure.  But only if you call me Alex."

"Okay, Alex," she said as she prepared to stick me.  "I was just curious
how you know Drew.  I couldn't believe it when I saw him walk in this
morning."

"I've known him for a couple of months now.  Ouch!"

"Sorry."

"It's okay," I said.  "You just surprised me.  Anyway, I got in a little
accident with his brother."

"Oh my God!  That was you?"

I nodded.

"I read about that in the paper.  Did Jeff really attack you?"

It had been awhile since I had thought about that day.  It was amazing how
much had happened since then and how close I had grown to all the guys.

"It's kind of complicated," I said.  "But, yes.  He did knock me out, but
he was only trying to protect Nick.  The press made it seem much worse, I'm
sure."

"They usually do," she said as she finally pulled the needle from my arm.
"Here," she said as she placed a cotton ball on my arm.  "Hold this."
Patricia walked away to label the blood and presumably to send it to the
lab.  She returned and placed a bandage on my arm.

"Can I ask you something else, Alex?"

"Shoot."

"Is Drew seeing anyone right now?  I read somewhere that he is engaged to
his high school sweetheart."

"Sorry," I said as I tried not to laugh.  "He is seeing someone right now."

"Can't blame a girl for trying," she responded with a smile.

"It may not be the same as dating him, but I'll make sure you get some
autographed CDs or something.  That is, if you want."

"Don't worry.  He already promised me that."

"Oh, is that how he convinced you to let both him and Mike come with me."

"What can I say," she said.  "I'm a sucker for handsome pop singers."

"Me, too," I thought.

"Let me take you back to your friends.  I'll call over and make sure
they're ready for you at the ultrasound lab."

I nodded and moved to stand up.  I must have moved a little too quickly
because I started to feel a little dizzy.  Patricia noticed immediately and
reached over to steady me.  A few seconds later I felt fine.

"Doing okay, Alex?"

"Yeah.  I haven't eaten anything since yesterday afternoon.  Plus, you just
took what seemed like a half-gallon of blood from me."

"That's nothing to worry about," she said.  "Some people do feel a little
woozy after having blood drawn.  I'll go grab some juice or something for
you.  You'll feel better soon."

"I'm fine.  Don't worry about it."

"I'll get it, anyway.  Are you okay to walk back to the waiting room?  It's
just down the hall about 15 feet."

"I'm fine," I said.  To prove my point I walked across the lab to the door.
"See?" I said as I turned around.

"Okay," she replied.  "I'll be back to get you in just a couple of
minutes."

I had to admit that I was still feeling a little lightheaded, but a
stubborn streak was in place that day.  I wasn't about to let Patricia
escort me to the waiting room.  As I approached, I could hear Mike and Drew
arguing.  Knowing that neither of them would want me to see them getting
angry at each other, I paused just out of sight.  I wanted to wait until
they were done before walking in.

"Damn it, Drew!" I heard Mike say.  "Just tell me what you know.  I'm not
about to get into a contest with you of who loves him more.  It's not going
to matter and it certainly isn't going to help him."

"You don't want to know," Drew replied.  "It's not good news."

Even without seeing Mike I knew he was furious.

"We're sitting in a fucking cancer ward where I'm waiting to find out if my
best friend is sick and you're telling me you don't have any good news."

"You don't get it," Drew spat back.  His voice was intense but he was
keeping the volume down.  I had to concentrate to hear his words.  "The
doctor said that if it's cancer, it's primary liver cancer."

"So?"

"So, primary liver cancer is extremely rare.  It means that if it wasn't
caught in time then it probably has already spread to other parts of his
body.  I did some research yesterday to see what he's up against and it's
not good."

"What are you saying, Drew?"

"I'm saying that he probably has less than a ten percent chance to live."

Both Drew and Mike were silent.  I'm sure they were trying to let it sink
in.  Drew's words echoed through my head.  I didn't want to believe him but
I knew there was no reason for him to lie.  Suddenly I began to feel dizzy
and my field of vision slowly narrowed.  The last thing I remembered was
seeing the floor rush toward me just as I blacked out.

To be continued.

Send feedback to: thack98@mindspring.com