Date: Sun, 21 Jul 2002 00:25:29 -0400
From: Thack <thack98@mindspring.com>
Subject: What I Feel For You 69-75

As always, this is fiction.  This story does not intend to portray the
private or public lives of any real people.  If you are under 18 (or 21
depending on your location), do not continue.

It's time for a very important Public Service Announcement:  Give Nifty some
money!  If you haven't made a contribution to keep the archives alive,
please do so.  Even a small contribution will help, so please consider it.

Thanks to everyone that writes to me.  Your encouragement certainly helps.
I'd name names here but I don't want to invade anyone's privacy.  The one
person I will thank by name is my best friend, Jase.

Now...on with the show.

Thack


Scene 69


"Alex?"

I had my eyes closed but I could tell there was a lot of motion happening
around me.  My head was a little foggy and I honestly didn't know where I
was.  I opened my eyes, only to be meet by what looked like a floodlight.
Squeezing them shut, I tried to concentrate on the sounds around me.

"Alex?  Are you okay?"

I recognized Mike's voice instantly.  I opened my eyes again and found the
light to be more manageable.  I looked up and saw Mike looking down at me.
Only then did I realize I was lying on the floor.

"Don't let him move.  I'll go get help."

It was Drew.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw him dash down the hall.

"What's going on?" I asked.  I started to sit up but Mike held me down.

"Look's like you fainted, buddy.  Can you do me a favor and just lie there?
We just want to make sure you're okay."

I struggled to move but Mike's grasp pinned me to the floor.

"Just don't move.  Okay?"

"I heard you and Drew," I said.

"What are you talking about?"

"I heard you and Drew arguing."

"Let's not talk about that now," Mike said quickly.

"Why not?  Are you afraid to know the truth?"

"Drew doesn't know what he saying," Mike pleaded.  I looked up at his eyes
and saw the truth.  Mike was scared.  I felt my lungs tighten up as I
struggled to breathe.

"I don't want to die, Mike."

"Don't talk that way, buddy.  No one is gonna die."

I heard footsteps.  I looked up and saw Drew standing over Mike.

"Don't move, Alex.  The doctor is on his way," he said.  "What happened?"

"He heard us, Drew," Mike said as he glanced over his shoulder.

"What do you mean?"

"He heard us, Drew," Mike repeated.  "He heard everything."

I had been looking up at Drew.  I saw the realization of what had happened
sweep across his face.  He blinked a couple of times and I saw tears
welling up in his eyes.  The look on his face was too much to bear.  I shut
my eyes and waited.  Moments later I heard more footsteps.  Finally opening
my eyes I saw Patricia and Gaf.

"He said he was feeling a little dizzy," Patricia said as they approached.
"I didn't think he would faint."

"Let's just check you out, Alex," Gaf said.  "I just want to make sure it
was only a fainting spell."

Gaf spent about five minutes poking, prodding, and shining lights in my
eyes.

"When did you eat last?"

"Yesterday.  At about two."

"How much did you eat?"

"Not very much," Drew offered.  I could hear a tremor in his voice.  "I
tried to get him to eat more but he wouldn't."

"And sleep?" Gaf asked.

"I haven't been sleeping well," I replied.

"It sounds like all of this has finally caught up with you.  You just
fainted, nothing major.  We just need to make sure you don't do that again.
Do you still feel up for more tests?"

"I just want to get them over with."

"I understand.  Let's do it, then."

Gaf had Mike and Drew take me back to his office while he checked to make
sure they were ready for me for the next round of tests.  Sitting down in a
chair, I let my head fall into my hands.  Leaning forward, I rested my
elbows on my knees and shut my eyes.  I felt a hand come to rest on my
back.  Even without sight or words I instantly knew it was Drew.  His touch
was different than anyone's I'd ever known.

"I didn't mean for you to hear that."

"But it's true," I said as I looked up at him.

"Yes.  If it's primary liver cancer than the five-year survivability is ten
percent.  I found that out as I was doing research yesterday.  I wanted to
be sure so I emailed Matt."

"Did you tell him about us?" I asked.

"No.  I couldn't.  I just said you were a friend."

"I am, Drew.  You can tell Matt when you're ready."

"I know.  But that's not important right now.  You need to know that
neither of us wanted you to hear what we were talking about."

"He's right," Mike said.

"But I did," I replied.  "And I'm glad.  I need to know what I'm up
against.  I know it's not the official doctor's report, but I'd rather know
the truth.  I don't want either of you to try to hide things from me.  I
did that all last week and I was a wreak.  I'm not about to put either of
you through that."

"Let us worry about that," Mike said.

"No!  Don't you get it?  Keeping secrets and covering up the truth is not
going to help me.  Both of you are looking at me like I have one foot in
the grave already.  I'm not ready to die!"

"I told you," Mike nearly shouted.  "No one is gonna die!"

"That's right.  A ten percent chance is still a chance, right?  For the
first time in as long as I can remember I have some kind of hope.  Thanks
to you," I said to Mike, "I have something that resembles a family.  And
you," I smiled at Drew, "have made me realize that I can love someone."

I'm not sure where my little speech came from.  Moments before I had passed
out when I heard Drew talking about my chances.  But I had decided I wasn't
about to give up.  I had too much to live for.

The rest of the morning was pretty much a blur.  I had two major tests done
in other parts of the clinic.  The ultrasound was no big deal.  Much like
you see on TV, the lab tech used the ultrasound to take pictures of my
abdomen.  The CAT scan, however, was another story.  The machine is used to
take images that can be reconstructed to show a three-dimensional model of
the inside of the body.  The worst part about the whole process was the
need to be strapped down.  In order for the machine to take clear pictures,
you can move at all.  The restraints keep the patient from moving.

"Don't worry," Drew whispered to me just before the test.  "It doesn't
hurt.  Just remember that we're all right out here and nothing is going to
happen to you.  This is going to show that you're okay."

"Promise?" I asked.

"Oh, baby.  Just know that I love you."

"Me, too."

When the test started, the table I was lying on began to slide into a very
small chamber.  I could hear the machine moving around me, producing a hum.
I tried to block everything out by repeating Drew's words over and over.
"Just know that I love you."  After what seemed like an eternity, the table
began to slide out.

I was finally done with tests.  I met briefly with Gaf while Mike went to
get the car and Drew talked to Patricia. Gaf promised to call me as soon as
he had interpreted the results.

"What do you think it is?" I asked.

"You know it's not fair to ask me that."

"I know, but I'm asking anyway."

"Like I told you before, Alex, I have a hunch that this is Gilbert's
Syndrome."

"And if it isn't, then it's primary liver cancer."

"Probably," he replied.

"Which means a ten-percent chance to live."

"Who told you that?"

"Drew.  He's right, isn't he?"

"How does he know that?"

"You're avoiding the question, Gaf.  Drew used to be an EMT.  Plus, his
cousin had cancer.  But, he's right."

"He never should have told you that," he said, his voice rising slightly.

"Don't get angry at him," I said.  "He didn't tell me.  I overheard him
talking to Mike.  Just tell me the truth."

"Okay," Gaf said as he reached up and put his hand on my shoulder.  "The
truth is that if it's primary liver cancer then it's not good news.  The
five-year survivability chance depends on a lot of factors.  I'd say ten to
thirty percent chance."

"Thanks for being honest."

"I'll leave you with one thought, Alex.  I've been at this for a long time
now and I've seen a couple of miracles in my time.  You have a couple of
friends who seem to be pretty devoted to you.  It's important that you let
them help you.  I firmly believe that staying positive and letting people
love you can make the difference."

"I know," I smiled.  "I've already decided.  I'm not going to die."


Scene 70


After all the tests were finished that morning, Mike drove Drew and me back
to my place.  I was pretty tired from all the drama, but I was also
starving.  Mike indulged a craving I was having and stopped off at KFC.  I
never really ate fried food, since it wasn't on my normal diet, but there
was always something about those greasy, oily Colonel's strips that always
did it for me.  Mike hit the drive-through, but I just couldn't wait until
we got home.  I knew I'd pay for it later with a bit of an upset stomach,
but right then it all tasted like heaven.

Mike had to get back to work, which left Drew and me alone.  Drew had
decided to stay for one more night.  Nick had rescheduled their meeting for
Tuesday afternoon.  Initially, I had assumed it was a meeting with all the
guys, but Drew told me it was just he and Nick.  The two of them were
meeting with someone back home in Cincinnati.  I tried to get Drew to tell
what it was about but he didn't want to talk.  I didn't push, figuring he'd
tell me if he needed.

"Do you need anything, baby?" he asked me.

"No, I'm fine."

I had immediately gravitated to my couch when he got home.  I put my feet
up on the coffee table and leaned back, closing my eyes.  Just as I was
about to fall asleep, the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey, DB!"

I recognized the voice, but I wasn't sure what he was talking about.

"Justin?"

"Yeah, it's me."

"Do you want to explain 'DB'?"

"I told you I would get you a nickname, didn't I?  What do you think?"

"Well," I said hesitantly.  "I don't really get it."

"DB is a code name.  It stands for 'Drew's Boyfriend'.  That way we all
know what it means but no one else does."

"Uhh, I appreciate the gesture, Justin, but I think you need to go back to
the drawing broad on that one."

"Okay, Alex," he laughed.  "Listen, I really called to say I'm sorry about
what's happening."

"Thanks."

"I want you to know that whatever you need, you just ask.  How are you
doing, anyway?  Did you learn anything today at the doctor's?"

I didn't know what to say.  I glanced over my shoulder and saw Drew sitting
at my dining room table.  He was eating his lunch and reading the paper.  I
knew he could hear what I was saying, but he seemed to be trying hard to
give me some space.  I thought about telling Justin about my chances if it
turned out to be cancer, but I decided he didn't need to know right then.
I knew that Drew was probably feeling guilty about accidentally telling me
and I didn't want to make him feel worse.

"I didn't really find anything out," I said.  "They did a bunch of tests so
now I just need to wait."

"Any pray," Justin added.

"Yeah.  And pray."

"You're in my thoughts and my prayers, Alex.  I'll let you go now.  But,
remember.  Anything you need."

"I got it.  Thanks."

"See you soon."

I hung up the phone, feeling a bit lost.  Drew came over and sat next to
me.  He grabbed my hand and pressed it against his chest.  At first I
thought it was an odd thing to do, but then I felt his heart beating
beneath my palm.  It was a wonderful feeling.

"How's Justin?" he asked.

"Okay, I guess."

"Don't be surprised if Jeff doesn't call in a couple of minutes."

"I wouldn't be surprised," I said, "but how do you know."

"Well, Nick told me he wasn't going to tell them until this morning.  But
he also was going to tell them not to bug you until after twelve."

I glanced up at the clock and noticed it was about 11:40 in the morning.

"See," Drew laughed.  "Jeff will do almost anything Nick tells him.
Justin, on the other hand, is not big on following orders."

I laughed.  Drew just looked at me and shrugged his shoulders.

"What's it like?" I asked.

"What?"

"Being so close to a group of people you know exactly what each is going to
do."

"What are you getting at?" he asked.

"I don't know.  It's hard to explain.  I guess I'm a little jealous.
Growing up I never really had anyone I could rely on.  I never really had a
best friend I could tell everything to.  It wasn't until Mike that I knew
what I was missing.  And now, I see you and the other guys and I wish I had
that.  I wish I could know what someone is going to say before they say
it."

"You will, Alex.  You'll have that with me, I promise.  And the more time
you spend with me, the more time you'll be around my brother, Justin, and
Jeff.  They're my family and that makes them your family, too."

"Is it really that simple?" I asked.

"Yes.  They love you."

"Just like that?"

"Yeah.  Just like that."

My mind began to race.  I didn't know what I was feeling and I didn't know
how to figure it out.

"What is it, Alex?"

"I don't know," I said.  "If I am sick, I'm not sure I'm ready to put all
of you through that."

"Through what?  Don't you see that you need us?"

"But do you need me?"

"Don't talk crazy, Alex."

"No!  I'm serious.  Do you really need to go through all of this over
again?  I have no idea what happened with Matt, but I know it couldn't have
been easy."

"You're right," he answered.  "It was the toughest thing I've ever been
through.  He got sick and Nick and I were there to take care of him.  We
were about the only family he had.  I can't tell you how many times I held
his head over the toilet as he puked from the chemo.  I can't tell you how
many nights I spent pressing a wet cloth over his forehead waiting for a
fever to break.  But, you know what, he got better."

"What if I don't," I whispered.

"Well, Alex.  Guess what.  Matt got sick again.  The cancer came back and
it was worse.  I'm not going to lie to you, Alex.  It got so bad that he
went into a coma.  Every night after a show, one of us-usually me or Nick,
but sometimes Justin or Jeff-would fly to Memphis so that someone would be
there.  It was the worst months of my life."

"How can I ask you to go through that again?"

"You're not asking.  It's simple.  You're family, to all of us.  It doesn't
matter that we've only known you a short time.  You're family.  When
someone in your family needs you, you're there no matter what."

"Not in my family."

"I'm sorry about that, Alex, but that's all different now.  You need me,
and I'll be there.  That doesn't mean I'll always be right here beside you.
But, if you need me, I'll be here."

"Drew?  Can you just hold me?"

"Of course, baby."

In one quick motion, Drew scooped me into his arms.  He squeezed me tight
and kissed me on the top of the head.  I felt safe and I felt like I
belonged.


Scene 71


A few minutes later the phone rang.  Looking at the clock, I saw it was
just a couple of minutes past twelve.  Drew still had him arms wrapped
tightly around me.

"I'll get it," he said.  "I think we both know who that is."

Reaching across me, he grabbed the phone and brought it to his ear.

"Hey, Sugar."

Drew laughed at whatever Jeff said.

"Who else would it be?"

Another pause.

"Yeah, I'm okay.  He's right here."

I sat up and Drew slid out of beneath me.  Handing me the phone, he stood
up.

"I'll let you talk."

"You don't have to go," I assured him.  "I don't have anything to hide from
you."

"I know, baby.  But you should talk to him alone."

I watched as Drew headed to my bedroom.  I knew exactly what he was doing.
He was giving me the freedom to tell Jeff everything that happened,
including how I had heard him talking to Mike.

"Hey, Jeff."

"Oh, Alex.  I'm so sorry."

I could hear a tone of desperation in his voice that just about broke my
heart.

"Thanks," I said, not really knowing what else to say.

"I wish there was something I could do for you."

"You are," I said.  "It helps knowing you're there for me."

"That goes without saying, Alex.  I just don't understand it.  I mean, you
shouldn't be going through all of this.  It's not fair."

"You're right, it's not."

He sighed and for a split second I thought he might be crying.

"So," he said after a moment, "what happened at the doctor's today?  Good
news, I hope."

"No."

"Do you want to talk about it?  I'd understand if you don't."

"We can talk about it," I said.  My voice had become very sterile and I was
feeling emotionally detached. The only way to talk about it was to pretend
it wasn't happening to me.  "I'm not going to hide anything anymore.  It
just makes it that much more difficult when I have to tell everyone."

I paused for a moment, settling in to tell Jeff the story.  Piece by piece,
I recounted everything that had happened over the last week.  I told him
about meeting with Gaf at the oncology clinic.  I also shared how I had
passed out when I heard Drew talking to Mike.

"Ten percent chance?" Jeff questioned.

"Well, the doctor said ten to thirty percent."

"I can't believe Drew told you that.  That's awful, even if it is true."

"It's partially my fault, Jeff," I said, trying to defend Drew.  "I was
eavesdropping, after all.  I know he didn't mean to tell me and I can tell
he feels horrible about it.  I'm not angry, though.  I'd rather know what
I'm up against.  Besides, it doesn't matter what the chances are.  I'm not
going to die, Jeff."

There was silence on the other end of the line.

"Jeff?"

"Yeah," he said, finally.  "That just caught me off guard."

"Why?  Because I said I'm not ready to die?"

"No.  It honestly didn't cross my mind that you might.  All I've been
thinking about since Nick told me was Matt and how sick he got.  I was
thinking about you getting sick but it didn't really dawn on me that you
might." His voice trailed off.  "That sounds dumb, doesn't it?"

"Not at all, Jeff.  That's exactly the kind of thinking I need to get
through this."

"You will, you know.  I mean, get through this."

"I know, but."

"But, what?"

"Well, there's something that that's been bugging me ever since this
morning.  I really want to talk about it, but I'm not sure Drew is going to
understand."

"Do you want to talk to me about it?"

"I kind of do."

"What is it, Alex?"

"I'm not sure I'm going to be able to make it through all of this and still
stay sober."

"Shit!  I forgot about that."

"I did, too.  For a while, anyway," I said.  "Surprisingly, I didn't really
think about it all last week when I was trying to take this on by myself.
It wasn't until this morning that I started to think about it.  Right now I
just want to go out and get drunk.  It just seems like that would make all
of this pain go away."

"It won't," he simply said.

"My head knows that but the rest of me disagrees," I laughed, knowing it
really wasn't funny.  "But I don't know if I have the strength to beat it."

"You can.  I know you can.  I'm here for you whenever you need me.  All of
us are, Alex.  But I don't understand why you can't tell Drew."

"It's not that I can't tell him.  I just feel like I'm laying all of this
on him and I'm not sure if he can handle it."

"He can handle it, Alex.  I watched him do it when Matt was sick the second
time.  He was there for him, day in and day out.  That's what he's going to
do for you."

"But it's not fair of me to ask him to do that."

"Alex, he loves you.  That's what you do when you love someone.  When
things were so dark for him when he came out, you were there.  Now you need
him and he's going to be there for you.  That's how it works.  Or, at least
that's how it's supposed to work.  Don't worry about how much he can
handle.  Drew's smart enough ask for help when he needs it.  That's what he
did when Matt was sick.  Trust me, we'll all be there to back him up."

"Okay."

"Do you feel a little better?"

"A little," I said.  "But there one more thing I want to tell you."

"What's that?"

"I don't know why, but it's hard for me to say things like this.  Maybe
it's the way I was raised.  But with everything I'm going through right
now, it seems really stupid to hold it in."

I paused for a moment, trying to find the right way to say it.  Jeff
patiently waited on the other end of the line.

"I love you, Jeff."

"Thank you.  The feeling's mutual."

"You know what I mean?" I stammered, suddenly a bit flustered.  "I mean, I
love you but not like the way I am with Drew.  I mean, I know when I first
met."

"Hey, Alex," Jeff interrupted with a laugh.  "I know what you mean."

"Good," I smiled.

"So, you'll call me if you need anything?"

"I will."

"Day or night.  Got it?"

"Yeah."

"Okay," he said.  "I'll talk to you soon."

"Bye, Jeff."

"Bye."

I hung up the phone and walked into my bedroom.  Drew was sitting on the
bed, reading a book he'd grabbed off of my shelf.  I climbed in next to him
and rested my head on his chest.  He moved to put the book down but I
stopped him.

"Keep reading," I said.  "I just want to be here with you."

He leaned over and kissed me on the top of my head.  I closed my eyes and
concentrated on the sound of his beating heart.  The strong, steady rhythm
lulled me off to sleep.


Scene 72


Drew left early the next morning to fly back home to Cincinnati.  I did
manage to tell him about my concerns about staying sober.  He listened
carefully and offered advice but I don't think he really understood what I
was feeling.  I knew I needed to tell him, but at the same time I felt as
though I was just adding more to his list of things to worry about.

With Drew gone, I tried to resume as regular a schedule as I could.  I went
back to work and pretended that everything was normal.  I was doing a
pretty good job of convincing people, with the exception of Sharon.  When I
finally told her what was happening, she was stunned.  We both had a good
cry in my office.

By Wednesday afternoon, I was climbing the walls.  Several times I almost
called Gaf, but I thought better of it.  He had promised to call me as soon
as he got all the test results back.  Before he left, Drew had told me he
had convinced Patricia to do everything in her power to speed things along.

That afternoon, I was sitting in my office.  I had been staring at the
computer for about 35 minutes.  Finally, I decided to leave early.  I knew
my boss would have a fit, but I didn't care.  She and I were not getting
along well lately.  Plus, analyzing length of stay patterns and revpar
indices just doesn't seem important when you are facing cancer.  I shut
down my computer, told my staff I was leaving, and headed to the one place
I thought might help me stay sane: the gym.

The gym has always been a place for me to clear my head.  Although I've
never liked doing cardio exercise, it's a good time to zone out.  When I'm
sweating on a stationary bike, my mind just seems to shut down.  And when
I'm doing a strength-training workout, just the opposite happens: I put all
my energy on moving the weight and keeping good form.  When you have a
couple hundred pounds resting on your shoulders as you prepare to do leg
squats, you have to focus on what you're doing or you'll end up hurting
yourself.

That afternoon I found myself zoning out as I rode the bike.  For a while,
all I could feel was the sweat dripping off of my brow.  The only sound was
the steady click of the pedals as I continued my journey to nowhere.

"Did you skip out of work early?"

I was surprised to hear Mike's voice.  Clearly he had walked up to me, but
I didn't notice.  I slowed my pace slightly, so I could catch my breath.  I
had been pedaling at a pretty good clip.

"Yeah," I answered.  "I just needed to get out of there."

"You're okay, though?"

"I am."

"Good," he said.  "I'd like to talk but I have a client coming in a couple
of minutes."

"It's cool," I said.  "I'm okay."

"You know," he said somewhat hesitantly.  "I think you should talk to
Aaron."

"About what?"

"About what's going on with you," he answered.

"Why Aaron?"

"I just have a feeling he could help.  Sorry, Alex.  I have to run.  Call
me tonight, okay?"

"Sure."

As I watched Mike walk away I tried to figure out what he had said.  I
suppose I could call Aaron a friend, but he certainly wasn't a close one.
And although it took me forever to realize it, he did seem to be interested
in me.  But that still didn't help me figure out why Mike suggested I tell
him what was going on.

The timer on the exercise bike interrupted my thoughts.  My forty minutes
were up.  I climbed off the bike and stretched my legs.  Since I'd
forgotten to bring a towel, I reached down and grabbed the bottom of my
shirt, bringing it up to wipe the sweat off my brow.

"Here, this will work a little better."

I turned toward the voice and discovered Aaron standing beside me, offering
me a towel.

"Thanks," I said as I reached out for it.

"So, how are you doing?" he asked.  "You're not usually in here this time
of day.  Everything okay?"

"Of course," I lied.  "I just took the afternoon off."

"That's all?"

"What do you mean, Aaron?"

"I just thought that you might want to talk.  That's all."

"Talk about what?"

"About what you're going through," he said.

When I finally figured it out, I could feel my blood beginning to boil.
Mike had told Aaron about the cancer.  I was absolutely furious.  Mike knew
I didn't want people to know and yet he told Aaron.

"Aaron," I said, trying to remain calm.  "I don't know what Mike told you
but it's not up for discussion."

"But."

"Don't push it, Aaron."

The look on Aaron's face was hard to describe.  It was a mixture of
surprise and fear.  I also thought I saw a touch of pity in his eyes.

"Look," I said.  "I'm not mad at you but Mike had no right telling you."

I didn't know what else to say and I didn't know what to do.  My first
instinct was to find Mike and raise hell.  I felt as though he had betrayed
me.  Mike was my best friend and he had set me up with Aaron.  Without
thinking, I practically threw the towel back at Aaron and stormed off
toward the strength training area of the gym.

"Alex, wait!" I heard Aaron call.

I didn't stop.  Across the gym, I saw Mike.  He was standing with one of
his clients, laughing and smiling.  I didn't know what I was going to say
but I continued straight at him.  Suddenly, I felt someone place a hand on
my shoulder.  I spun around and once again found Aaron staring at me.

"Don't do this here," he said in a low, intense voice.

Deep down I knew he was right.  As furious as I was with Mike, I knew it
wasn't right to ambush him in front of everyone at the gym.  Without a
word, I turned away from Aaron and headed to the locker room.

"Alex?"

I just ignored Aaron's call.  My mind was reeling and I wasn't in the mood
to talk to anyone.  Before I realized it, I was at my locker.  I grabbed my
gym bag and headed to the door, not bothering to change my clothes.  When I
got outside, the combination of sweat on my skin and a strong wind made me
shiver despite the bright sunshine.  I headed up First Avenue, hoping to
get home as soon as I could.

I walked a couple of blocks and then I saw it.  I stopped dead in my
tracks.  I had been past it literally hundreds of times.  Rosen's was a
neighborhood bar and grill.  I looked through the window and saw the
bartender standing there.  Without thinking, I walked inside and sat down.

"Beer," I said as both an order and a greeting.

"Anything special in mind?" the bartender asked.

"Whatever's on tap."

"Coming up," he replied.

Moments later he placed the mug in front of me.  I reached out and let my
hand feel the cool sides of the glass.  I could smell that unique scent
that only beer has.  My mouth was watering and my head was spinning.  It
had been so long since I had tasted alcohol.

"This is Mike's fault," I said out loud, even though I was sitting there
alone.

Even when I was saying it, I knew it wasn't true.  I just wanted everything
to disappear, if only for a short time.  I wanted to lose myself by getting
drunk, like I had so many times before in my life.  At that moment, taking
a drink was the only option I had.  I couldn't say no and I didn't have the
strength to ask for help.

I took a long, deep breath and slowly raised the glass.  My hand was
shaking and the liquid spilled over my fingers.  I brought the glass up,
closing my eyes and smelling what was about to become my escape.

"Are you sure you want to do that, Alex?"

Without looking, I knew who it was.


Scene 73


Before I took a drink, I set the glass down and turned to look him in the
eye.

"It's exactly what I want to do."

"Why?"

I looked straight into Aaron's deep blue eyes.  I wasn't sure why he had
followed me from the gym.  I wasn't even sure if I was glad that he did or
if I was angry.

"Why not?" I replied.  "It's just a drink."

"Don't give me that bullshit!  It's more that a drink and you know it."  I
could hear a touch of viciousness in his voice.  "Are you really ready to
give up your sobriety?"

He caught me off guard with his questions.  I had no idea Aaron knew I was
in recovery.  Then it dawned on me that Mike probably told him.

"So he told you that, too," I said.

"No he didn't!  Give me a little credit, Alex.  It's not exactly a secret.
I've heard you and Mike talk about it.  In fact, you even told me right
after I first met you."

"Oh," I responded meekly.  "I didn't remember that."

"Well, it happened.  I know this may seem like the right thing to do, but
it's not.  Don't throw it all away because you're having a rough time."

"A rough time?" I laughed sarcastically.  "I could be dead in a couple of
months and you're calling that a 'rough time'?"

"Listen, Alex.  I know what you're going through." He reached out and
grabbed the beer, pushing it out of my reach.  "This isn't the answer."

"Fuck you!  How in the hell do you know what I'm going through?  You're
words don't mean anything.  All people have been saying since they found
out are how sorry they are.  Or that it's not fair.  But, in the end, it
doesn't mean shit.  No one knows what I'm going through."

"I do, Alex."

"What in the hell does that mean?" I spat back.

"It means I know exactly what you're going through.  I've been there
myself."

"What?"

Aaron simply nodded and offered a slight smile.

"Cancer?" I asked.

"When I was sixteen."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he said.  "I'm in remission."

"No," I said as a tear slipped down my cheek.  "I'm sorry about what I just
said to you."

"Don't be.  I just think we should get out of here.  We should talk."

"Okay."

Aaron reached in his pocket and dropped a couple of dollars on the bar.
Without words, he picked up my gym bag, led me out the door.  We walked
back to the gym so Aaron could get his car.  We drove the few short blocks
to my place so we could talk in private.

"So," he said when we were both sitting on my couch.  "Do you want to hear
about what happened to me?"

"Yeah."

"Okay," he sighed.

I could hear a waver in his voice and I saw a glassy look in his eyes.

"You don't have to."

"No, it's okay," he assured me.  "I just don't want to scare you."

"Was it that bad?"

"Yeah.  I had Hodgkin's disease.  I had just turned 16.  I was a pretty
rambunctious kid- always running around and getting in trouble.  Nothing
major, but I was definitely a handful for my parents.  It was the middle of
summer and I started to develop the symptoms.  I had a fever and I was
continually tired, no matter how much sleep I got.  I was still young, so I
didn't know that I should say something to my parents.  But then, one day,
I started to lose the feeling in my arms.  I went to the doctor the next
day and within a month I started radiation and chemo."

As I listened to Aaron tell his story, a strange thought occurred to me.  I
wondered how many people in this world had been through what Aaron was
describing.  Before I had to deal with it, I had thought of cancer as a
horrible thing that happened to other people.  I would hear a story on the
news or read about it in the paper and think about how horrible it was but
I never thought to ask anyone I knew if they had been through it.

"What was it like?" I asked.  "I mean, the radiation and the chemo."

"You don't want to know."

"Was it that bad?"

"Yeah," he nodded.  "It's poison, Alex."

"But you made it."

"I did, sort of.  The benchmark is 10 years, which will be next year.  If
I'm still cancer free, then I'm considered cured."

"Are you worried?"

"No."

"That's amazing."

"Why?" he asked.  "I beat it once.  There's no reason why I can't do it
again.  It's the same for you, Alex.  Don't even think about losing the
battle."  He paused.  "Mike didn't really tell me much.  All he said was
that you may have cancer.  Where is it?"

"Liver."

"Oh."

"So you know what that means."

"Well, if you have to have cancer, that's not the best one to have.  But,
there's a chance you don't have it, right?"

"Yeah," I said.  "I may have something called Gilbert's Syndrome.  It's a
blood anomaly, or something."

"When will you know?"

"God, I hope it's soon.  I went in for tests on Monday."

"Whatever happens, just come out swinging, okay?"

I shrugged my shoulders, feeling a knot in my stomach.

"And don't be mad at Mike," he said.  "He's only looking out for you.  He
knew I had Hodgkin's and he thought it might help if I knew.  After seeing
you at the gym last week I knew something was up and I basically forced it
out of him.  He's worried about you, you know?"

"I know.  I just didn't want other people to know, that's all."

"In my opinion, I think you should tell anyone that will listen.  Don't
underestimate the power of people praying for you."

"I hadn't thought of that."

Aaron smiled and reached out to grab my hand.  I then saw him bow his head,
presumably to offer up a small prayer on my behalf.

"Aaron," I said after about a minute.  "There something else I need to
say."

"What is it?"

"Thanks for saving me."

"Saving you?" he questioned.

"At the bar.  I really was about to drink."

"But you didn't.  That says something."

"All it says is that you were there to stop me.  I'm scared, Aaron.  I
don't think I have it in me to stop myself.  All I want right now is to go
out and get drunk.  It just seems like the answer to all my problems.  In
my head I know it's not, but deep down I don't know if I can stop myself."

Once again I could feel my head swimming.  I felt so vulnerable.  I was
asking for Aaron's help and he came through for me.

"Then I'm not leaving."

"What?"

"I'm not leaving you alone when you feel like that.  I'll stay here as long
as you need, whether that's an hour or a week.  And if you don't want me
here, then we'll get Mike over here.  I'm not in recovery, but I do know
what you're feeling, Alex.  I've been there."

"I can't ask you to stay here."

"That's fine, because I'm not going.  I'm not leaving you alone."

I stood up and walked over to the window.  I looked out past the buildings
and trees at the river.  I had found myself drawn to the river ever since
Drew and I had walked along the banks that day.

"Alex?" Aaron asked.  "Are you okay?"

"No," I said softly, not bothering to turn around.  I just stared out the
window.  I felt like my life was falling apart and there was nothing I
could do about it.

"Alex?" he said again.

Before I could answer, I felt him standing behind me.  I could feel his
breath against my neck as he moved closer.  I closed my eyes, feeling
grateful that I wasn't alone.  I could smell a mixture of soap and cologne.
He reached around me, pulling me into a hug.  Resting my head on his
shoulder, I listened to the rhythm of his breathing.

"Please don't leave me," I whispered.

His hand moved up and gently rubbed the back of my neck.  I felt a charge
of electricity run through me.

"I'm not going anywhere," he said.

Although I resisted, he slowly released me from his arms.  Without words,
he grabbed my hand and led me to my bedroom.  I followed, not knowing what
was about to happen.


Scene 74


It was hard to describe exactly what I was feeling at that moment.  My mind
seemed to have stopped.  I remember that Aaron had led me to my bedroom.  I
don't know if it was my idea or his, but I found myself sitting on the bed.
Next, he reached over and gently pulled off my sweatshirt.

"Wait!" I said, suddenly realizing what was happening.  "We can't do this."

I closed my eyes for a split second and all I could see was Drew.  I
remembered the night we had made love right there in my bed.  I couldn't
betray by being with Aaron, even if it was something I wanted to do.

"We can't do this," I repeated.

"Hang on, Alex," Aaron replied.  "I think you have the wrong idea.  I just
want you to try to get some sleep, that's all.  I was going to make us some
dinner."

"But I thought." I stammered, suddenly very embarrassed.

"It's okay," he said as he sat down next to me.  "I know my reputation.
And it's not that I'm not interested in being with you.  You probably know
that, too.  But, to be perfectly honest with you, watching you have a
nervous breakdown really doesn't turn me on."

I had laugh at myself.  I knew he was right.

"I guess I'm pretty full of myself," I said, "thinking you'd want to be
with me."

"Don't say that!  You're an amazing guy."

"Right!" I said sarcastically.

"I'm totally serious.  That boyfriend of yours is lucky.  You're smart, and
funny, and damn sexy, too."

I could feel myself turning red.

"You're just saying that to keep my mind off of what's happening."

"Think what you want, Alex, but if you're ever in the market for a little
rendezvous, you know where to find me."

He punctuated his open-ended remark with a quick kiss on my cheek before
getting up to go to the kitchen.  I laid back and tried to sleep, all the
while listening to the clattering dishes in the kitchen.  It took a while,
but I finally drifted off to sleep.

Aaron woke me about forty minutes later.  I stretched and tried to wake up
as I followed him into the dining room.  We both sat down and ate, not
really talking much.  I was impressed at Aaron's culinary skills, however,
and I made sure to tell him.

After dinner we went in to watch some TV.  All the time I was sitting there
with Aaron, all I could think about was how I felt when he took me in the
bedroom.  I knew I was in love with Drew and I didn't want to screw that
up, but at the same time, I really wanted to be with Aaron.  With
everything going on with the cancer, I really didn't have time to process
that fact that I had made love to Drew.  To say I was sexually
inexperienced was an understatement.  I wasn't sure if my attraction to
Aaron was something I should be worried about.

"What is it?" Aaron asked out the blue.

"Huh?"

"You look like you're a million miles away.  What's wrong?"

"I'm just thinking about something.  Can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot," he replied.

"It's kind of personal."

"Don't worry about that."

"Well, you do have kind of a reputation.  You know, that you.how should I
put this?"

"That I fuck around?"

"Well," I laughed.  "I was about to say 'play the field', but if that's how
you want to put it."

"It's probably not as bad as you've heard, Alex.  But I don't really get
into the relationship thing."

"Why?" I asked.  "I mean, why do you do it?"

"Basically because of the Hodgkin's."

"I don't get it."

"I never thought I was gay growing up.  I always talked about girls with my
buddies, but it was always talk.  It wasn't until I was diagnosed that I
figured it out.  I ended up having a huge crush on my doctor.  He was
pretty young, as doctors go.  Part of it was the fact that he was there to
save me.  When I found out I was in remission, I decided that I wasn't
going to waste any more time.  So, I grabbed the bull by the horns, so to
speak, and started going out with guys.  I don't have any regrets, Alex.  I
play safe and I just have fun."

"I'm not judging you, Aaron."

"I know," he answered.  "But I can tell you don't really get it.  You're
just not that kind of guy."

"How do you know that?"

"I can just tell.  You're so loyal to your friends."

"You make me sound like a St. Bernard!" I laughed.

"Loyalty is great, Alex.  Maybe some day I'll find someone who will make me
want to reform.  Who knows?  I'll tell you this, though.  Your boyfriend is
a lucky guy."

"Thanks," I said as I blushed.

He smiled at me.  Just as he was to say something the phone rang.  Since he
was closest, he picked up the cordless phone and handed it to me.

"Hello," I said.

"Hey.  It's Mike."

At that point I wasn't ready to talk to him.  Even though I knew he did it
to help me, I still was upset that he had told Aaron about the cancer.

"I can't talk to you right now, Mike."

When Aaron heard me say his name, he reached over and put his hand on my
shoulder.  He squeezed and gave me a stern look to let me know I needed to
tell Mike what was on my mind.

"Why not?" Mike asked.  "Is something wrong?"

"Aaron's here."

"Oh," he said softly.  "So you're probably mad at me."

"Yes and no," I responded.  "I'm pissed that you told him but at the same
time I'm kind of glad."

"I thought that's how you'd feel.  I only did it because I thought it would
help."

"I know, Mike.  Listen, if you don't mind, I'm kind of talked out tonight."

"Are you sure you're not still mad at me?"

"Maybe a little," I admitted.  "But give it a day.  You should just be glad
Aaron stopped me before I ripped into you at the gym today.  I was pretty
upset.  I ended up almost drinking."

There was a stunned silence on the other end of the line.  It took a few
moments before Mike responded.

"You didn't, did you?"

"Aaron stopped me."

"I'm so sorry, Alex.  I never would have told him if I knew you'd get this
upset."

Now I felt bad.  I didn't mean to imply that Mike telling Aaron had pushed
me to drink.

"No, Mike!  That's not what I meant.  I've wanted a drink for a couple of
days.  You telling Aaron didn't really have anything to do with it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I said.  "It just happened that way."

"Okay," he responded a bit skeptically.  "How do you feel now?  Do you
still want to drink?"

"I do, like you wouldn't believe.  But Aaron is going to stay with me
tonight.  Just in case."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" he asked quietly.  "I can come over."

"It's fine, Mike."

"I don't want you screwing things up with Drew because Mr. Right Now is
there."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," I said sarcastically.

"You don't know Aaron like I do, Alex."

"Precisely.  And you know don't him like I do, Mike."

"Fine," he answered in retreat.  "Maybe we should stop talking about it.
I'm going to bed now."

"Okay.  Goodnight."

"Bye."

When I heard Mike hang up I sighed.  It wasn't as though we were arguing,
but I still felt funny.  I wasn't sure why Mike was so concerned that Aaron
was staying with me.  I looked over at Aaron, who was sitting there
flipping through the pages of a magazine.  He looked up at me.

"Everything okay?"

"I think so," I said.  "Do you mind if I go in the bedroom and make a
call?"

"It's your house," he smiled.

I nodded and walked into my bedroom.  I went to the drawer and pulled out a
t-shirt that Drew had accidentally left behind.  I brought it to my face
and smelled, hoping for some faint scent of him.  I picked up the phone and
dialed his cell phone.  I waited impatiently to hear his voice but was
disappointed when his voicemail kicked in.

"Hey, honey," I said into the phone.  "I had kind of a rough day today and
I really wanted to hear your voice.  It's a little early but I think I'm
going to go to bed now.  I'll try to call you in the morning.  Oh, don't
worry about me.  I'm okay now.  I just wanted to talk, that's all.  I love
you.  Goodnight."

Suddenly I was feeling so alone.  I was scared, plain and simple.  I walked
back into the living room and found Aaron still reading the magazine.  I
sat down on the couch beside him, letting my head fall into my hands.  The
emotion of the day had finally caught up with me and I felt the tears begin
to silently fall.  Aaron reached over and pulled me next to him.  He gently
stroked my hair without saying a word.  Before I realized it, I had fallen
asleep.


Scene 75


A sound had woken me up, but I wasn't sure what it was.  Actually, I was a
bit confused as to where I was.  I remembered falling asleep next to Aaron.
Yet, I was in my bed.  I had managed to kick the covers off of me, so I
noticed I was only wearing my boxers.  Presumably Aaron had carried me to
bed and somehow got my clothes off without me waking up.

Seconds later I heard the sound again.  It was my phone ringing.  Glancing
at the clock, I noticed it was about 7:20 in the morning.  Yawning, I
struggled to get up when the phone suddenly stopped ringing.

I let my head collapse back into the pillow.  Closing my eyes, I allowed
myself to almost fall asleep.

"Alex?  You awake?"

I opened my eyes and saw Aaron standing in my doorway.  He was wearing a
t-shirt and a pair of boxers and he was holding my phone.

"Yeah," I yawned.

"I probably shouldn't have answered this," he said as he walked to me with
the phone outstretched.  "But I was asleep and it rang and I thought I was
at home.  He's pretty confused as to why I answered."

"He?"

"I think its Drew."

"Shit!" I said under my breath.  I grabbed the phone as Aaron turned and
walked back to the living room.

"Drew?" I said into the receiver.

"It's me," he replied in an agitated tone.  "You mind telling me who that
was?"

"He's just a friend."

"A friend?" he said sarcastically.  "Why is he there at seven in the
morning?"

"What?  What are you accusing me of, Drew?"  When he didn't respond, I
answered for him.  "Do you really think I'm cheating on you?  Is that what
you think?"

"No," he said softly.  "I was just surprised, Alex.  Just tell me what's
going on.  You left me that message last night and I'm worried about you."

"I was in bad shape last night," I tried to explain.  "I tried to call you
but you weren't there for me."

Immediately after I said it I regretted it.  I never expected Drew to be at
my beck and call 24 hours a day, no matter what I was going through.  It
wasn't fair for me to judge him that way.

"But."he stammered.  "We were at a show."

I could hear the tremor in his voice and I knew he was on the verge of
tears.  I had attacked him without warning.

"Drew, I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have said that."

"It's okay, Alex," he said quietly.  "I promised I'd be there for you and I
wasn't.  I'm sorry."

"No." I pleaded.  "I shouldn't have said that."

"Alex, I have to go.  I'll talk to you later."

Before I could protest, the line went dead.  I sighed, knowing that I had
really screwed up.  There was no reason for me to say that to Drew, even if
he did jump to the wrong conclusion about Aaron.  Not bothering to get
dressed, I wandered into the living room.  Aaron was sitting there, clearly
waiting for me.

"Did I fuck things up?" he asked.

"No, I did that all on my own.  So you know that Drew is."

"Your boyfriend?  Yeah.  I figured that out."

"Oh."

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone."

"Thanks."

"So, do you want to talk about it?"

I had been holding the phone in my hand and it rang once again.  I jumped
slightly, startled by the sound.  I hoped it was Drew so I could make
amends.

"Drew?" I answered.

"Sorry to disappoint you," the caller laughed.  "It's Dr. Gaffney."

I felt a chill run through my body.  For days now I'd been waiting to hear
from Gaf.  A nervous anticipation filled my body.

"Gaf, tell me you have good news."

"The best."

"You mean."

"It's not cancer, Alex."

"So I'm going to be okay?"

"Yes."

I suddenly felt a sense of relief I'd never known before.  I had a future
again.  When Aaron saw my smile, he ran over to me and pulled me into a
hug.  We started jumping up and down, laughing and dancing.  He leaned in
and kissed me on the cheek.

"Alex?  Are you still there?"

"Sorry, Gaf.  Just a little impromptu celebration."

"A well deserved one," he noted.  "You have Gilbert's Syndrome.  It's
nothing to really worry about but you should make an appointment with your
doctor to cover all the basics."

"I will," I replied.

"I'm glad it turned out this way."

"That's putting it lightly," I laughed.

"If there's anything you need, or if you have any questions, just let me
know."

"I will," I said.  "I owe you one, Gaf."

"Well, then.  You can do me a favor and we'll call it even."

"What's that?"

"Make sure you thank that boyfriend of yours."

"Drew?  For what?"

"Oh," he said.  "I hope I'm not ruining a surprise.  He donated $25,000 to
the clinic yesterday."

"Wow!  That sounds like something Drew would do.  Actually, we got in a
fight this morning or he probably would have told me."

"Well, now you have the perfect reason to call him and make up."

"You're right, but I have a different idea.  Thanks, Gaf."

"Take care of yourself, Alex."

"Bye."

Aaron had his arms wrapped around me the entire time I was talking to Gaf.
When I hung up he finally let go.  He was standing there with a silly grin
on his face.

"I'm so happy for you, Alex."

"Thanks," I smiled.

We both stood there, trying to figure out what to do.  My mind was racing
and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest.

"Is it true?" I asked.

"What?" he responded with a puzzled look.

"I'm really going to be okay?"

"Yeah," he grinned.  "You're going to be fine.

Even though I had heard Gaf say it, I didn't really believe it.  I could
feel my head start to spin.  I felt a little dizzy and I think I started to
hyperventilate.  I could see the concern sweep into Aaron's eyes as the
smile on his face vanished.

"Are you okay, Alex?"

"I think so."

I started to walk toward the phone so I could call Drew.  As I took a step
I started feeling lightheaded.  Aaron sensed I was losing my balance and he
reached out and grabbed me.  At first he just held my arm, but seconds
later he pulled me close to him.  He held me tight as I tried to sort out
what was running through my head.

"It's okay, Alex.  I know what you're going through," he whispered.  "When
I found out I was in remission I nearly hurled all over my doctor.  It's a
lot to take in all at once."

As he was talking, I had closed my eyes.  All I could hear was his voice
and the pounding of my heart.  I took a deep breath in to try to slow my
heart rate but my nostrils filled with Aaron's masculine scent.  I opened
my eyes and stepped back slightly.  I looked right at him and saw his
piercing blue eyes looking back at me.  Everything seemed to be going in
slow motion, but I still wasn't able to steady myself completely.

Aaron's arms, which had been encircling me, gently brushed down my back.  I
could feel a jolt of electricity running from his fingertips to my naked
torso.  We both sensed what was about to happen.  Aaron began to step back,
trying to break contact with me.

"No!" I said.

He slowly shook his head, but before he could speak I moved towards him.  I
leaned in and kissed him.  At first he resisted but I wouldn't let him go.
I reached up with my right hand and gently began running my fingers through
his thick blond hair.  I closed my eyes and broke away from the kiss,
merely needing to get some air before kissing him again.

"Wait!" he said.  "We can't do this."

I opened my eyes and looked at him.  He was standing there with his lips
pursed.  He seemed to be either trying to remember or trying to forget the
kiss.

"You don't want me, Alex.  This isn't right."

"But." I stammered.

"I understand, Alex.  But you don't want me.  You need to be with him.  All
of this is confusing, I know.  I just don't want you to do something you're
going to regret later."

I stood there, not knowing what to do and wishing I could take back what I
had just done.

"I don't know why I did that?" I said sheepishly.

"Look," he said forcefully.  "What you've been through in the last couple
of weeks has been tough.  And last night was not your finest hour.
Suddenly, everything has changed in the blink of an eye and you're probably
feeling a little lost.  I understand, Alex.  You need to feel close to
someone, but I'm not him.  You need to go to Drew."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be.  You should just be happy.  It was just a kiss, Alex.  Don't
make it into anything else."

"Maybe you're right," I said, my mind reeling.

"It was just a kiss," he repeated.  There was an awkward silence.  "I
should probably get to work."

"Do you mind waiting?" I asked, trying to forget what had just happened.
"I'd like to go with you to see if I can catch Mike there."

"Sure, but don't you have to go to work?"

"No, not today.  There are some things I need to take care of.  They can
get by without me for a day to two.  I'll get ready as soon as I can."

"Okay.  I'll see if I can round up some breakfast."

I went back into my bedroom before hitting the shower.  I had a call I
needed to make.

"Hello, Jeff?  I hope I didn't wake you but I have a huge favor to ask."


To be continued.

Wanna contact me?  Send me an email at thack98@mindspring.com