Date: Sun, 11 Aug 2002 22:16:34 -0400
From: Thack <thack98@mindspring.com>
Subject: What I Feel For You 85-93

Do not break any laws by reading this.  If you are in doubt if you are
breaking a law, stop reading.  That means if you are under age, stop now and
visit an educational site.  Any questions?  If so, please read the
disclaimer on the first installments.  Also, remember this is fiction.

What's going on???  I end the last installment with blood covering poor Alex
and no one sends me an email expressing concern?  I thought I knew you guys
(and gals) better than that.  LOL.  It's cool.  And don't worry: I'm not
getting all weird and supernatural.  You probably all realized were the
blood came from.  As you'll find out, however, Alex has a steep hill to
climb.

As far as your humble author goes, my life has once again thrown me a curve
ball.  Have you ever done something that you were certain was the right
thing to do, only to have someone close to you question it?  I went with my
heart on this decision and I'm praying it all works out.  It's been an
emotional past week, so bear with me.  The next installment might take
awhile if my personal life doesn't settle down.  I promise that the story
will continue.

To Jase: I promise I will get you flying.

Thack

thack98@mindspeing.com

Scene 85


Frightened and uncertain as to what was happening, my mind began to race.
I instantly remembered the dream.  Looking down at my hand, I saw the blood
and thought it was Drew's.  Although I heard Jeff calling my name, I
couldn't answer.  For a moment, I couldn't even move.  Seconds later I felt
the pounding of my head and saw drops of blood dripping onto my shirt.  I
let go of the phone and it went crashing to the ground.

"Alex, you're bleeding.  What happened?" Jess screamed as she crossed the
room.  I looked up and saw her eyeing the bottles of liquor on the table.
She grabbed a towel that was nearby and slowly pressed it against my head.
"Sit down.  Just hold this right here."

"Jess?" I said quietly.  "What's happening to me?"

"I don't know, baby.  Tell me what happened.  Who was on the phone?"

"Oh, God!  Jeff!"

Without speaking she stood up and reached out for the phone.  I sat there,
pressing the towel against my head.  I blinked hard and turned my head.
Across the room I saw my reflection in a small mirror that hung on the
wall.  I was horrified.  The towel was turning a deep crimson from the gash
on my forehead that I got when I hit my head on the chair.  My face was
covered in blood from where I had been wiping away my tears.

"Jeff, are you there?" Jessica asked into the receiver.  Silence.  "Calm
down!  He's okay.  He had a little accident and he has a cut on his head.
He's going to be fine."  Another pause.  "I know.  He's upset.  And I know
what all of this is about.  Please don't worry about him.  I will take care
of him.  He'll be okay."  She listened once again.  "I promise I'll call
you if I need help."

As soon as she hung up, Jess came over to me.  She tried to give a
reassuring smile but it wasn't too convincing.  I sat there, feeling
totally out of touch.

"Let me see," she said as she gently removed the towel from my head.  "It
looks worse than it is, Alex.  I wish Drew were here.  He'd know what to
do."

I looked down, knowing that I couldn't look at her without breaking into
tears.  The one person in my life who would know what to do in a situation
like that was the one person I didn't want around right then.  I couldn't
stand the thought of Drew seeing me in the condition I was in.

"Sorry," Jess whispered.  "I shouldn't have said that.  I just don't know
anything about this stuff.  It looks like the bleeding is slowing down.
Did you hit your head?"

"Yeah," I said, trying to reconstruct everything in my mind before saying
it out loud.  "I was going to drink and something snapped inside.  I knew I
needed help.  I went to call Drew and I tripped and hit my head on the
chair.  I guess I didn't even know I was bleeding.  That's how out of it I
was."

"Do you feel okay?"

"I suppose."

"Why don't you lie down here?  I'm going to call someone.  Okay?"

I nodded and leaned back against the couch.  Jess ran and grabbed a new
towel, placing it against my forehead.  She told me to keep pressure on it
while she went to the phone.

"I'm sorry," she said into the phone.  "I know it's really late.  I need
you, though.  We had a little accident here.  I'll explain when you get
here."

Within two minutes, there was a quiet knock at the door.  Jess left my side
and went to open the door.  In walked a young man wearing shorts and a tank
top.  It took a few moments, but I soon recognized him as Christian, the
dancer that Jess had confessed to kissing.

"Hey," he said as he walked over.  "You must be Alex.  Jess told me about
you.  Let me take a look at your head."

"I feel like a fool," I said, quite embarrassed.  By that point I had
managed to pull myself together.

"Don't," he in an easy sort of way.  "You don't even want to know all the
foolish things I've done in my life.  This is nothing.  I'm not a doctor or
anything, but I know enough to know if we should take you to the emergency
room."

He knelt beside me and gingerly removed the towel.  Jess was right, there
was far less blood from what I could tell.  Christian carefully ran his
fingers through my hair, searching for any other cuts on my scalp.

"It's almost stopped bleeding," he announced.  "I don't think you need
stitches.  Head wounds just bleed a lot.  But, like I said, I'm not a
doctor.  You might have a concussion or something."

"I don't think so," I replied.  "I hit my head but it wasn't that big a
deal.  I just didn't know I was bleeding because the lights were off.  I
ended up rubbing it all over my face.  I was kind of out of it at the
time."

"I can see," Christian remarked, gesturing to the bottles of alcohol still
lined up on the coffee table.

"I didn't drink any of those," I replied.

"Thank God!" I heard Jess exclaim.

"Maybe this is none of my business," Christian said, "but I'm a little
confused."

"Please, Christian.  Don't ask."

"No," I said.  "I'd be asking the same question.  You won't say anything to
Drew, will you?"

"I've never even met the guy," he replied.

"Fair enough," I said, nearly smiling.  "I've just been having a hard time
of things lately.  I'm a recovering alcoholic and I very nearly slipped up
tonight.  I managed to pour one of those bottles all over me, which is why
you probably smell it on me.  But, I didn't have a drink.  I went to call
someone and I tripped and hit my head."

"I wish you would have come and gotten me," Jess said.

"Me, too.  I'm sorry.  I really wasn't thinking very clearly."  I sighed.
"Do you think we could shelve this little drama for the night?  I'm sorry I
woke both of you up."

"Don't worry about me," Christian offered.  "Whenever Jess needs me, I'm
there for her.  I'm glad I could help."

"Christian, do you think you could do one more thing?" Jess asked.

"Anything."

"Do you think you could lend Alex some clothes to sleep in tonight?  All
that blood on his shirt is kind of gross.  He wasn't planning on staying
here tonight so all of his things are back at his hotel."

"Of course.  I'll be back in a couple of minutes."

Christian darted out the door, leaving me alone with Jessica.  She looked
at me with worry.

"I know," I said.  "I'm a little freaked out myself.  I'm sorry you had to
witness my little breakdown."

"Don't say that, Alex.  I just don't understand.  When we were talking you
said that you had decided to tell Drew the truth.  What made you lose it
like that?"

"Something snapped, Jess.  It sounds stupid, but I had a dream.  It spooked
me and I just felt the urge to drink.  I just wanted everything to be numb,
again."

"But, Alex."

"Jess, let's just drop it.  At least for tonight."

She nodded just as Christian knocked at the door.  As she let him in, he
flashed her a smile and walked over to me.

"Come on, Chief.  Let's go get you cleaned up."

He held out his hand and helped me up.  Despite the emotional turmoil I was
in, I had to admit he was a pretty charming guy.  I could see what Jess saw
in him.  He led me to the bathroom, instructing me to sit down on the stool
that was in front of the dressing mirror.  Only then did I notice he was
carrying a small first-aid kit.  He knelt down in front of me and
unbuttoned my shirt.  There was a calmness in his bright green eyes that
seemed very familiar.

"Sorry," he said sincerely, "but this is probably going to hurt."

As he poured the disinfectant over the wound, I involuntarily flinched at
the sharp pain.  I tried to smile, but it definitely came across as fake.
Next, he grabbed a washcloth and began to gently wipe away the blood that
was covering my chest, face, and hands.  I felt foolish again and Christian
must have sensed it.

"How do you know Jess?" he asked to break the awkward mood.

"Through Nick."

"Yeah," he said.  "I knew that, actually.  And, Drew?"

"What about him?" I asked guardedly.

"He's your boyfriend, right?"

"Did Jess tell you that?"

"She didn't have to."

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"I could just tell."

"Tell what?  That I'm gay or that Drew is important to me?"

"Both."  He again sensed what I was thinking.  "But don't worry.  I'd never
tell anyone."

"About Drew?"

"Exactly," he responded.  "But I wouldn't tell anyone that you're gay,
either.  My older brother is gay and if I've learned anything, it's that
coming out is something that you need to decide to do on your own
timetable.  It's not my call."

"Thanks," I said.  "I'm out.  Jess knows.  But Drew is another story.  He
doesn't really have the option right now."

"That sucks."

"Yeah," I replied, almost laughing.  "It does."

Christian had finished cleaning the blood off of me.  He stood up and
handed me a t-shirt.  He was bigger than me, so it looked kind of funny on
me, but I was just grateful to be out of my own clothes.

Christian and I emerged from the bathroom to find Jess waiting for us.  She
was stifling a yawn and I suddenly felt guilty for getting both of them up
in the middle of the night.

"Maybe we all should get some sleep," I suggested.

"You can crash in my room," Christian suggested.  "It's just me and there
are two queen beds.  I wouldn't mind."

"Thanks," Jess replied, " but I think I want Alex all to myself tonight.
As long as that's okay with him."

"Honestly, I just want to forget all this happened."

"Good enough," he said.  "Are you going to be around the next couple days?"

"I think so," I said, not sure of when I was going back home.

"Good.  We'll hang out some and chat.  Okay?"

"I'd like that."

"Good.  'Night, Jess."

"Goodnight."

Christian turned to leave and I reached out and grabbed his shoulder.  He
turned to look at me.

"You're a really good guy, Christian.  Thanks."

"Anytime," he smiled.

As soon as he left, Jess crawled into bed.  She patted next to her and
without thinking I climbed in.  I needed a friend and she was going to be
right there beside me.  As soon as my head hit the pillow I was asleep.
There were no more nightmares that night.


Scene 86


When I woke up the next morning I was alone.  I stretched and glanced over
at the clock and noticed it was nearly eleven.  After hitting the bathroom
and scaring myself with my own reflection in the mirror I looked I walked
into the living room.

"How's the head?" Christian asked.

I was surprised to see him although I probably shouldn't have been.  He was
sitting on the couch next to Jess.  They both looked up at me, waiting for
my answer.

"It's fine," I said, carefully touching the cut on my forehead.  "I think
I'll live."

"No doubt about that," he smiled.

I shrugged, not really knowing what else to say.

"Jess, do you think I can use your phone.  I'm sure Jeff is climbing the
walls right about now.  I feel terrible about it."

"Of course you can, Alex.  But just so you know, I called him back last
night when you and Christian were in the bathroom.  I doubt he got much
sleep, but at least he knew you were fine."

"Good.  Maybe I'll wait and call him after I take a shower.  I look like
death warmed over, I'm sure."

"Those are for you," Christian said, pointing to a couple of bags sitting
on the dining room table.  "I had to guess at the sizes but it should be
close.  The shorts are pretty non- descript, but you'll have to settle for
a Mickey t-shirt."

"You didn't have to do that," I said.  I was honestly surprised at his
thoughtfulness.  My first reaction was that he saw how crazed I was the
night before and knew I needed all the help I could get.

"I know."

"I already called the hotel you were supposed to be at last night," Jess
said.  "Your things are being sent over.  I tried to get you a room here,
but they are completely sold out.  I don't think you should stay by
yourself, though."

"The offer still stands, Alex.  You're welcome to bunk with me.  We're here
for two more days."

"Really?" I asked.  "I wouldn't be imposing."

"No, you wouldn't be," Jess laughed.  "Remember, I'm his boss."

"Like she said, you wouldn't be imposing."

"Okay," I said.  "Although I don't know if I'll stay both days."

After a hot shower I felt much better.  I tried to put the events of the
previous night into perspective.  I was trying to tell myself what had
happened was just an isolated incident.  Unfortunately, I wasn't convincing
myself.  I knew that I was dangerously close to losing my sobriety and I
honestly didn't know how to get back on track.  Somehow I knew this was
more than just telling Drew the truth about Aaron.  Something was gnawing
on me and I couldn't place my finger on it.

Before rejoining Jess and Christian in the living room, I grabbed the phone
and dialed Jeff's number.  Getting his voicemail, I quickly tried to
explain.

"Hey, Jeff.  I'm sorry about last night.  I mean.I'm not sorry that I
called.  I'm just sorry that I got you all freaked out.  I just want you to
know that I'm fine.  I'll explain more later.  Just, please, don't tell
Drew what happened.  It's complicated, but he can't find out.  I'll talk to
you later."

I sighed, wishing that I could actually talk to Jeff.  The next call was to
Drew, but I got his voicemail, too.

"Drew.  I just got Jeff's voicemail so you're probably with him.  I just
wanted to call and let you that I missed you last night.  I had kind of a
rough night but Jess was here for me.  I wish I could talk to you about it,
but it will just have to wait.  I love you and I'll talk to you later."

After hanging up I ventured back into the living room.  Christian was in
front of the TV watching the Disney Channel and laughing at whatever
cartoon was playing.  Jess was sitting at the dining room table talking on
her cell phone.

"Sorry, boys," she said as she hung up.  "I have some business to take care
of this afternoon.  Are you going to be okay?" she asked me.

"I'm fine," I replied.

"Yeah, he's fine," Christian offered.  "We're going to hang out.  Maybe
we'll go to a theme park or something."

"Sure," I nodded.  "After all, I have this great new Mickey Mouse t-shirt
that has to get some use."

Jess just smiled and rolled her eyes.

"Ready to go?" Christian asked.

"Sure," I nodded.  "We'll see you later, Jess."

Since I had been to Disney World just a couple of months before, I let
Christian decide where to go.  In all honesty, I didn't really care where
we went.  I was just looking forward to having some fun, since it had been
in short supply in life about that time.  Christian decided on the Animal
Kingdom, the newest theme park at Disney World.  We hopped on the Disney
bus to take us to park.  As we traveled over there, I asked Christian to
fill me in on his background, since I didn't really know anything about
him.

"I guess I came from a pretty normal family.  I grew up on Long Island.  My
dad worked as a broker in Manhattan.  Mom did the family thing and
volunteered at school-stuff like that.  There was me and my older brother.
In fact, we used to come down here to Disney World almost every summer."

"So how did you get involved in dancing?" I asked.

"I was always a big ham.  I used to come up with these horrendous plays and
force my parents to watch them when I was little.  I was always running
around and jumping on the furniture.  The older sister of one of my friends
was into ballet and I thought it was cool.  I had to practically beg them
to let me take dance class.  Although they never really admitted it, I
think they were concerned that my involvement in the performing arts might
somehow make me gay."

"But it doesn't work that way."

"Of course not.  We both know that.  Sometimes parents are a little
clueless, though.  It wasn't that they had issues with gay people, at least
not prejudicial issues.  They just didn't want me to have to deal with all
the turmoil that goes with it.  But the irony of it was that it was my
brother who ended up playing on your team.  He was the big jock and
homecoming king."

"Really?"

"I would not lie about that one," he laughed.

"So how did your parents react?"

"He didn't tell them until he was 23.  They took it pretty well.  What
about you?"

"Well, my dad died when I was young.  But my mother wasn't pleased.  She
told me to get out of her life and never come back."

Christian stared at me for a moment.  I only nodded and kind of shrugged my
shoulders.

"That's a shitty thing to do to your kid."

"Do you mind if we don't talk about this?" I asked.

"Man, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to bring you down."

"I know.  It's okay.  Besides," I said as I gestured out the window, "we're
here."

As soon as we entered the park, our conversations turned to much more
pleasant topics.  We spent several hours just laughing and having fun.  It
was a good release for me, since I was still feeling a bit wound up from
the incident I had the night before.

"So," I said as we were sitting in the shade and trying to figure out what
to do next, "can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"This is going to sound really stupid."

"I don't care.  Ask me anyway."

"Okay," I hesitated.  "Do you think people can tell the future?"

"Are we talking Dionne Warwick's Psychic Hotline or something else?"

"No.  I mean dreams."

"Tell me more, Alex."

"Well, I told this sounds crazy but I had a dream last night.  That's what
got me so upset and that's why I almost drank."

"What was the dream about?"

"Drew," I said.

"What happened?"

"I dreamt that we had a fight.  It wasn't just an argument; it was the type
of fight where two people don't ever speak again.  And then everything
changed and Drew was gone.  I tried to find him.  I searched everywhere but
I couldn't find him.  Then I looked down and saw blood on my hands.  It was
his blood, Christian, because the next image I saw was me holding Drew in
my arms.  I think he was dead."

"Okay, stop right there!" he said.  "I think you're getting yourself worked
up over nothing.  Alex, remember that you hit your head.  You were bleeding
and you didn't know it.  The blood you saw was yours."

"But I was asleep," I responded, feeling my heart rate pick up.  I suddenly
felt a little defensive, as if I had to justify what I had dreamt.

"Alex, you were probably just drifting in and out of sleep.  That happens a
lot where you dream."

"No!" I cried.  "I was asleep.  I didn't fall and hit my head until after I
woke up.  I woke up and started remembering the dream.  Then I went to find
the alcohol.  It wasn't until after when I hit my head."

"You must have gotten the sequence of events wrong, Alex."

I could feel myself getting angry, although I really didn't have a good
reason.  Christian was just trying to calm me down, but everything he said
just seemed to irritate me.  I glanced up and noticed a couple of people
staring at us.  Since I had been spending so much time with the guys, I had
grown accustomed to people staring, but I suddenly realized that neither
Christian nor myself were famous.  A wave of embarrassment passed through
me when I saw that they were staring because I was practically yelling and
crying all at the same time.

"I know what I dreamt," I said to Christian in a quiet, yet uneasy voice.

"Okay, then.  But it was just a dream."

"So you don't think people can see the future in a dream?  You know, like a
premonition."

"No," he said.  I couldn't tell if he was saying that because he believed
it or if he was lying just to keep me from freaking out even more.  I
quickly decided I didn't want to know.

"Can we go back to the hotel?" I asked.

"Sure."

We didn't really talk much on the way back to the hotel.  I felt badly
about ruining our day.  We were having a really good time and I there were
a couple of times when I almost forgot about everything that was happening.
I figured I wasn't making a very good first impression to Christian.  I
hadn't even known him 24 hours and he'd seen me covered in blood and nearly
hysterical over a dream.

Once we got back to the hotel we headed up to his room.  It turned out to
be right down the hall from Jessica's suite.  I noticed my suitcase had
arrived.  Not bothering to unpack, I simply sat down on the small couch by
the window.

"Sorry," I said.

"Don't worry about it," he replied.  I had expected to have to explain
exactly what I was apologizing for but he seemed to know.

After a couple of minutes I got up and went into the bathroom.  When I
walked back into the room, Christian was on the phone.

"Checking messages.  There was one from Jess.  She wants you to go see
her."

"Thanks.  I'll be back later," I said.

As I walked down the hall to see Jess, I struggled to sort everything out
in my head.  I didn't know where to start.  I sighed to myself as I knocked
on her door.

In the matter of a few seconds the door flew open.  I'm sure my jaw dropped
a bit when I saw who was standing in front of me.

"Jeff?"

"Where the hell have you been?  We need to talk."


Scene 87


"Why are you here?"

"Why am I here?" Jeff repeated with a surprised look.  "You're really
asking me why I'm here?  You call me in the middle of the night in near
hysterics because you're on the verge of drinking.  And then, Jess comes on
the line and I hear that you're covered in blood because you gashed your
head open.  You really expected me to ignore all of that and stay in Texas
talking about ideas for shampoo commercials?"

I stood there, somewhat speechless.  I felt so conflicted.  Part of me was
grateful that he had come.  Maybe even more than Drew, I felt like I could
tell Jeff anything.  With Drew I always worried about how he would react to
things I said, but I didn't feel that way about Jeff.  I felt a little
guilty about that but that was how our relationship was at the time.  On
the other side of the coin, I felt horrible that my troubles had dragged
Jeff away from his work.  I never intended to cause so much upheaval in his
life.

"So, are you going to tell me what's going on?" he asked impatiently.

I nodded and looked around for Jess.  I wasn't sure how much I was going to
tell Jeff, but I had a feeling that some of it was stuff I didn't want her
to hear.  Once I decided she was gone, I led Jeff over to the couch and sat
down.

"I've really fucked things up, Jeff and I'm not sure how to fix it."

"You said that last night, Alex.  What does that mean?"

"It means I kissed another guy."

Just as I said it I saw his face change ever so slightly.  I thought I saw
a wave of disappointment flash through his eyes.  I felt as though the wind
was knocked out of me.

"Did this happen last night?" he asked.  "Is that why you were so upset?"

"No.  It was the morning I found out I didn't have cancer."

"It was that guy that spent the night."

I nodded.

"Why, Alex?"

"I don't know, really.  I wasn't exactly in a normal frame of mind.  I had
just gotten in a fight with Drew and then I got the call from my doctor.
When I heard the words I felt so many mixed emotions.  I had resigned
myself to being sick and suddenly I had my life back.  I just wanted to
feel alive.  It was stupid, I know, but Aaron was there."

"Did you sleep with him?"

"No.  But I kissed him, Jeff.  And when I did that I betrayed Drew.  We
promised to be faithful to each other and I betrayed that."

"Talk to Drew, Alex.  He'll understand."

"But what it he doesn't?" I questioned.

"Why wouldn't he?  He knows you love him.  He'll understand that it wasn't
really you.  You were under an incredible amount of stress."

"It doesn't matter, Jeff.  I just have this feeling that he's not going to
understand.  I think I fucked up the best thing that has ever happened to
me."

"Why do you think that?"

"The dream."

"What dream?" he asked, completely confused.

"It's why I called you last night.  It was the reason I was going to drink.
I fell asleep right here on the couch and I had a horrible nightmare.  Drew
and I had a fight.  It was more than a fight, actually.  It was the end.
He was gone and I was searching for him but it was no use.  He was gone."

I closed my eyes for a moment, half expecting to see the visions from my
dream once again but they didn't come.  Remembering how Christian had
reacted, I decided to not tell Jeff about the blood and the image of Drew's
lifeless body.

"It was just a dream, Alex."

I didn't know what else to say.  Both Christian and Jeff had tried to
convince me that I was only dreaming, but they didn't see what I did.
Something in that dream scared me so badly that I decided I needed to
drink.  The combination of betraying Drew and then dreaming that I had lost
him was too much for me to bear.

"I'm worried about you," Jeff said after a long silence.

"Me, too," I confided.  "I don't know what's happening to me."

"I'm worried about your drinking."

"I thought it would go away.  After I found out I was okay, I thought it
would go away but it didn't.  I can hardly stand it now.  It took
everything in me to stop myself last night."

"Alex, I'm not a professional.  You know what happened to me when I was
younger but I don't think I'm an alcoholic.  It doesn't get to me like it
does to you.  I wish I could tell you something that would make it go away
but I can't.  I don't even fully understand what you're going through.  I
was thinking that it might be a good idea for you to see someone.  Or maybe
you could take some time and go away for a while."

"You mean rehab?"

"Yeah," he said quietly.

"I can't do that, Jeff."

"Maybe it would help.  The job would be waiting for you when you get back.
That is, assuming you want it.  And I'll pay for everything.  I just want
you to get better."

"I appreciate it, Jeff.  But, I just need to pull it together.  I just need
to tell Drew the truth and pray that he'll understand.  In the long run,
that's the only way I'll get through this.  Whether I go to rehab or not, I
still have to tell him the truth.  I owe him that much."

I felt my world begin to crumble around me right then.  Just days before I
had won a battle.  Physically, I was okay but mentally and emotionally I
was a disaster.  For the first time in my life I had everything I ever
wanted and it didn't seem to be enough.  I had Mike, whom I considered to
be an older brother.  I had more people around me that loved me than I'd
ever had growing up.  I also felt as though I belonged.  And the best part
was Drew.  He was the best thing that had ever happened to me.  And yet,
all of that wasn't enough to keep me happy.  At every turn I seemed to be
sabotaging what I had built up.  I felt the tears begin to flow down my
face.  I looked up at Jeff, who leaned over and pulled me into a hug.

After a couple of minutes I swallowed my tears and pulled myself out of
Jeff's arms.  I took a deep breath, trying to gather my strength.

"If I just get to Drew and tell him what happened, I'll be able to get
through this.  If he forgives me, I'll be okay.  But if something else
happens, I'll need your help."

"So you really think that by telling him you're not going to need to drink
any more?"

I nodded.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I replied.

"You probably don't want to hear this," he said, "but I disagree.  I just
don't think it's going to be that easy."

"Maybe not.  But I have to tell him."

"Okay, then don't be mad."

"What?" I asked.

"I know you told me not to, but I told him."

"You did what?"

"I'm sorry, Alex.  I just thought that you needed him.  I was terrified
last night when you called and I thought he needed to know.  He came here
with me.  He's downstairs."

"He's here?" I asked, feeling my heart pounding.

"Yes.  Will you talk to him?"


Scene 88


"Damn it, Jeff!  You had no right to do that!"

I quickly stood up and stormed across the room.  When I got to the window I
turned and glared at him.  Jeff had just informed me that he had told Drew
what had happened to me the night before.  I felt an intense anger but I
tried to calm myself down.

"Alex, listen to me for a second."

"No!" I screamed.  "How could you do that to me?"

"Put yourself in my shoes, Alex," he said sternly.  "You call me in the
middle of the night and scare me to death.  You really think that I'm not
going to tell Drew?"

"I told you not to tell him."

"You did, but it was too late.  You didn't tell me that until this morning.
Right after you called I went and woke up Drew and Nick.  I didn't know
what to do, Alex.  I asked Justin and he wasn't sure so we went to talk to
Drew.  Besides, even if you had told me last night not to tell him, I would
have done it anyway.  I don't care if you're mad at me, as long as you're
okay.  I couldn't bear the thought of not doing anything and then finding
out I had lost you."

Jeff's words sliced right though my anger and struck my heart.  I looked at
him across the room and saw a man who was desperately trying to do the
right thing.

"How would you lose me?" I asked in a quiet voice.

"If you started drinking again.  Or worse."

My heart jumped a bit when I heard him say that.  I turned away and looked
out the window.  The sun glimmered off the lake that spread out from just
beyond the hotel.  I smiled to myself, thinking back to the river back in
Minneapolis.

"I'll talk to him," I said as I turned back toward Jeff.

Jeff nodded and grabbed his cell phone.

"Come on up," he said into the receiver.

There was an uncomfortable silence in the room as we waited for Drew.  My
mind was racing.  I was trying to decide how I would break the news to
Drew.  A soft knock at the door interrupted my thoughts.

"It's going to be okay, Alex," Jeff said as he went to open the door.

The second the door opened Drew came flying into the room.  He looked tired
and I knew I was the cause.  Before I could say anything, he came over to
me and pulled me into a hug.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jeff slip
out the door, leaving us alone.

"Baby, what happened?  I don't understand why you didn't want me to know.
Just tell me what's going on."

"There's something you have to know, Drew," I sighed as I gently pushed him
away from me.  I turned and walked back to the couch, gesturing that he
should follow.  He sat down next to me and grabbed my hand.  I felt the
warmth of his fingers wrapping around my palm.

"I never meant for this to happen," I began.  "And I never meant to hurt
you.  You have to know that I love you and that I never meant to hurt you."

"What are you talking about, Alex?"

For a split-second, my mind flashed back to the dream.  Sitting there, I
really believed that I would tell Drew the truth and lose him forever.
That's what the dream had told me.  I took a deep breath and spoke.

"I kissed another guy."

"Aaron," he said.  It was a statement, not a question.

I could only nod.  His hand was still wrapped tightly around mine.  I
looked up at his eyes and saw the pain.

"It was that night, wasn't it."

"No," I replied.  "It was the morning I found out I didn't have cancer.  It
was right after I got into that argument with you.  Aaron was there and
then Gaf called and gave me the news.  I don't know why I did it, Drew.  I
can't explain it and I can't excuse it.  If you didn't want anything to do
with me, I'd understand."

"What?" he asked incredulously.

"I said I'd understand if this was the end."

"You're not getting rid of me that easily," he said, squeezing my hand.  "I
love you, Alex.  That doesn't excuse what you did, but, honestly, I'm not
surprised.  I just have to know something."

"What?"

"Did it mean anything to you?  I mean, does he?"

"Oh, God!" I said, nearly breaking down.  "How did I fuck this up so bad?
Drew, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I'm grateful
for Aaron because he saved me, but if I didn't see him ever again I'd be
okay.  I didn't want to kiss him.  It was just that morning I discovered I
had my life back.  I just wanted to feel alive again and I thought that
would do it.  It was so stupid.  I don't know how you could ever forgive
me."

"I will.  I do.  I love you, faults and all."

As a single tear slid down my cheek, Drew leaned in and kissed me.  It was
the kind of kiss that felt as if the world had stopped.

"Will you promise me something?  Well, two things, actually."

"Anything," I said.

"Promise that you will tell me everything.  We can't go on if we're not
honest with each other.  When you need help, I need to know."

"I'm sorry," I said.  "I will."

"Good.  Now, the other thing is just as important.  I need you to be open
to this.  Please try not to make up your mind before you hear us out."

"Us?"

Drew didn't answer.  Instead, he let go of my hand and stood up.  He walked
over to the bedroom door and opened it.  Out walked Jeff, Jess, Nick, and
Justin.  No one spoke, not even Nick and Justin, whom I didn't even know
where in Florida.  One by one, they took their places in the living room.
Jessica tried to smile at me, but I could tell it was forced.  Justin
wouldn't even look at me.

"What gives?" I asked, feeling suddenly outnumbered.

"We're here to help," Nick said in a confident voice.


Scene 89


I glanced around the room, trying to read the emotions of the others in the
room.  Nick was the first person I saw.  Our eyes met and he looked right
at me.  Ever so slightly he nodded his head.  He was trying to tell me
something but I was beginning to feel a little scared.  The silence in the
room was horrible.  Drew had sat back down next to me and he reached over
and grabbed my hand.  Without thinking I flinched and tried to pull away
but he wouldn't let go.

"Alex," Jeff said quietly, "we think you need some help."

"What does that mean?" I questioned.

"Well, we've all been watching you fall apart over the last couple of days
and we just want you to get better."

"You're talking about rehab."

Jeff could only nod.  At the time, it seemed a little bit like a
revelation.  Even though Jeff and I had discussed it less than an hour
earlier, I didn't realize exactly what was happening.  I had become the
subject of an intervention.

"Look, Jeff.  I told you that I could handle it."  I could feel my temper
start to get away from me.  "I told you that I'd be fine, as long as Drew
forgave me.  That's exactly what happened.  I don't know if I deserved it,
but he did."

"Forgive you for what?" Justin said, finally looking up at me.

"Nothing," Drew said.

"No!  It isn't nothing, Drew," I nearly shouted, twisting my hand away from
his.  "If you all are a part of this attack on me, you might as well all
know the truth.  I fucked up.  I betrayed Drew's trust by kissing another
guy.  I was a wreak for the last couple of days because I was trying to
convince myself it didn't mean anything.  But, it did.  I fucked up and out
some miracle Drew has forgiven me.  That's it.  End of story."

"Is it really?" Nick asked.

"Yes."

"Really?  So if I were to offer you a drink right now you could just say no
without a thought?"

"Fuck you!" I shouted at Nick.  "You have no idea what I go through to stay
sober."

"You're right!" he returned.  "None of us do, Alex.  None of us have any
clue what's going on with you-especially Drew.  Don't you realize what you
are doing to him?  It's bad enough you cheated on him but I think this is
worse.  You don't see him when you're not around.  He's constantly
terrified that something is going to set you off and you'll start drinking
again.  I can't stand by and let you do that to him.  I won't let that
happen."

"That's enough, Nick," Drew said forcefully.

"Is it, Drew?  Do you think we're getting through to him?"

"Nick!" Jessica shouted.  "Damn it, stop!"

He looked across the room at her, somewhat surprised at her words.

"You didn't even want to do this," he said with venom.

"You're right," she replied.  "I didn't want to do this because I had a
feeling that something like this would happen.  Maybe we should have told
you and Justin the whole story, but that wasn't really an option.  But
right now, this isn't helping anyone, Nick.  Getting angry at Alex isn't
going to help.  Especially when some of that anger is really directed at
me."

"Jess, we're not going to have this argument again.  Not in front of
everyone."

"Why not?  Everyone knows that I kissed Christian.  And even though you say
you've forgiven me, I don't think you have.  I know exactly what Alex is
feeling right now and trust me, this isn't helping."

Silence fell across the room.  I closed my eyes, wishing I could escape.  I
could hear Drew's soft, steady breathing.

"Can I talk to you alone?"

I opened my eyes are realized it was Jeff addressing me.  Without really
answering, I got up walked toward the door that led out on the balcony.  As
I passed him, Drew reached out and grabbed my arm.  I paused for a moment
and leaned down, kissing him on the head.  Despite the trauma, I knew he
was only trying to help.

"Jesus!  That was ugly," Jeff said when we were alone on the balcony.

"I didn't appreciate the ambush."

"That wasn't the plan."

"Did anyone tell Nick that?" I said sarcastically.

"Look, Alex.  None of us want to do this.  That's why I tried to talk to
you earlier.  I was hoping you'd see things from my point of view.  Now, as
far as Nick is concerned, none of us told him or Justin that you kissed
Aaron.  I just think that caught him off guard.  Despite what he thinks,
he's still upset about Jess and Christian."

"He's a good guy," I said.

"Christian?"

"Yeah.  He took care of me last night.  I mean, Jess didn't really know
what to do after I cut myself so she called him."

"And what would have happened if he wasn't around?"

"I would have managed, Jeff."

"Really?"

"Look, it was a bad night.  I think I'm entitled after what I've been
through in the last couple of weeks."

"I'll give you that, Alex.  But this isn't just about you any more.  You
have to think about Drew now."

"I know that."

"Do you, Alex?  You got lucky this time.  We were able to drop everything
and come here.  What happens next time when we're on tour or recording and
you need us?"

"First of all," I said angrily, "I didn't ask any of you to come here.  I
would have gotten along just fine with out you.  And, second, I'm sorry you
think I'm such a burden to you."

"Damn it!  You are not a burden to any of us, Alex.  You know I love you,
right?"

I didn't answer.

"Well, I do and you know it.  And if you ever do need us, any of us will be
on a plane as soon as we can.  But that's not what I'm getting at.  You
have a problem and it seems to be getting worse.  I don't want you to throw
away everything you have by drinking again.  We've all tried to help you,
Alex, but we're in over our heads now."

"But what if this is the worst it's going to get?  Drew knows everything
now, so there's no reason for me to drink any more."

"But what if this isn't the bottom?"

I sighed, not really knowing what to say.

"Will you do one thing for me?" Jeff asked.  "There's someone I want you to
talk to.  If you both decide that you don't need help, then I'll live by
that.  And, I'll convince everyone else for you."

"Who is it?" I asked.

"Just agree to that, Alex."

"Okay," I said.

Jeff pulled his cell phone out of his pocket, dialed the number and handed
me the phone before he went back inside.

"Hello?"


Scene 90


"Shit!  I was hoping I wouldn't get this call."

"Mike?"

"Yeah.  I take it things aren't going well."

"You know about this?" I asked.

"Jeff called me this morning.  What's going on, Alex?"

"It's nothing, Mike.  I just had a bad night, that's all.  Everything is
going to be fine."

"Did you take a drink?"

"No."

"That's something, I guess.  Look, I just think you need to let us help
you."

"Us?" I asked.  "So you agree with them?  You want me to go to rehab?"

"Well, I want you to get better, Alex.  And I think that might be the
answer.  You know I'd be there for you but that's going to be tough with
you on the road all the time."

"Shit!  He told you about the job."

"Yeah," Mike sighed.  "He did."

"God!  I'm so sorry.  I was going to tell you the last time I talked to
you.  I can't even keep the days straight.  Was that just yesterday?  I
never meant for you to find out from someone else.  But I haven't accepted
the job."

"Why not?  It sounds like it would be perfect for you.  You'd get to do
something you're good at and you'd get to be around Drew a lot more.  You'd
be a fool not to take it."

Suddenly, everything seemed to stop.  Standing outside on the balcony, I
looked out over the lake.  The water seemed motionless and the air was dead
still.

"Alex?  Are you still there?"

"Yeah," I replied.  "I was just thinking about how everything would change
if I took the job.  I'd never get to see you."

"Never is a bit strong; but you're right.  Things would change.  But
sometimes we need that."

"I don't even know if they'd still want me for the job after all of this."

"They do," Mike said.  "Don't worry about that."

I started to ask Mike how he knew but I decided against it.  I trusted him
and it didn't really matter how he knew.

"So," I hesitated.  "You really think I should get treatment?"

"I do," he practically whispered.

"Okay."

***

After talking to Mike I walked back inside.  No one had moved and there was
an uneasy silence in the room.  Drew looked into my eyes and seemed to know
that I needed him.  He stood up and walked over to me.  Before he reached
me I could feel the tears starting to steam down my face.  He grabbed hold
of me and gently rubbed my back.  I could feel everyone's eyes on me but I
didn't care.

"Drew?" I said, trying to pull it together.

"What is it, baby?"

"If I agree to go, will you go with me?  I mean, will you take me and get
me checked in and everything?  I don't think I could do it on my own."

"Of course, baby."

As gently as he could, he led me across the room towards the door to the
bedroom.

"Jess," he said, "can Alex rest awhile in your bedroom."

"Of course," she said sweetly.

Before I realized it, I was lying on the bed.  Drew asked if I was okay.
When I told him I was, he said he'd be right back.  I don't know if it was
the realization that everyone was right and that I needed help or what, but
I finally felt a sense of relief.  I knew that I no longer had to hold it
together on my own.


Scene 91


"So, are you still speaking to me?"

"Yeah," I said reluctantly.

I looked up and saw Nick standing there.  His hands were shoved into his
pockets and his face seemed long.  He walked over and sat down on the edge
of the bed.  I must have dozed off or just zoned out because when I glanced
at the clock I noticed it was about an hour after Drew had left me.  I sat
up and leaned back against the headboard.

"Did it really need to be that way?" I asked.

"Probably not," he sighed.  "I didn't mean to attack you, Alex.  Honestly,
I didn't.  I just see what's happening to my brother every time you go
through this.  You know I love you, but he's always going to come first for
me."

"And he should.  I don't fault you for that, Nick.  But did you need to
explode like that?  One minute I'm sitting there talking to Drew and the
next minute you're yelling at me.  I fucked up.  I admit that.  But, you
had no right trying to tell me how to live my life."

"I'm not.  I'm just trying to protect my brother."

"Protect him from what?"

"From you."

"Fuck you!" I said angrily.  "I'd never do anything to hurt Drew."

"Really?" he spat back.  "Then what do you call all this?  You don't see
what this is doing to him, Alex.  Sometimes I wonder how much of this is
the alcoholism and how much is you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means there's a side to you that scares me.  I'm afraid that you're
hiding behind the drinking.  It just seems like every time you do something
that hurts someone you blame it on the alcohol."

"So you don't think I'm an alcoholic?" I asked in complete disbelief.  I
didn't expect Nick to make such an accusation.  "If that's the case, then
why do you want me to go to rehab?"

"Damn it!" he said angrily.  "That's not what I'm saying, Alex.  In all
honesty, I'm praying that once you get everything back in place things will
get better.  You have to go to rehab.  Drew and Jeff have been on the phone
for the last hour trying to get you help."

I felt rage and anger sweep through me.  I couldn't stand to look at Nick,
so I quickly stood up and headed toward the door into the living room.  The
combination of stress and just having woken up hit me quickly.  I suddenly
felt weak and bit dizzy.  I had to reach out for the door to keep myself
steady, but I wasn't about to give Nick the satisfaction of knowing he had
gotten to me.

"I never said I wasn't going," I yelled as I turned to face him again.  "I
just don't like people telling me what I have to do.  You can't live my
life for me.  I promised Mike and Drew that I'd go and I'm going to follow
through on that."

"Don't do it for them.  That's not going to help."

"Damn it, Nick!" I practically screamed.  "You don't have to be such an
asshole about this.  I get it, okay?  I'm not doing this for Mike, or Jeff,
or Jess.  I'm not doing it for Drew.  My life is so fucked up right now I'm
not sure what to do."  I began to cry.  "I have everything I've ever wanted
in life and at every step I seem to be sabotaging it.  I need help.  Is
what you wanted to hear?  It's so fucking hard for me to admit that.  I
told Drew, isn't that enough?"

"Alex," he said softly.

"You really want to hear it, don't you?"  I could feel the rage filling my
chest.  "You're right, Nick.  I was hoping that you'd let me keep at least
some shred of pride.  But, if you want, I'll walk into that room and let
everyone know that you're right."

I reached up to wipe away the tears that were streaming down my face.  It
wasn't until that moment that my eyes met Nick's.  He was staring at me
with disbelief.

"Alex?  You really think that's what this is about?"

I shrugged my shoulders, not able to speak.

"It's not," he said.  "I just want you to get better, that's all.  Maybe
this intervention wasn't a good idea, but we didn't know what else to do.
You didn't see Drew last night.  After Jeff came to our room and told us
what happened he broke down.  I'd never seen him like that before, Alex.
Not even when he came out.  He's terrified that he's going to lose you.
That's how much he loves you.  As I was holding him, I promised him I'd do
anything in my power to see that you got help.  That's why we're here,
Alex.  I'm sorry I came off like I did.  I just want you to get better."

I stood there, simply breathing and trying to collect myself.  Although I
was looking right at Nick, my vision started to blur a little.  At first I
thought it was the tears, but in actuality my body was just reacting to the
stress.  I blinked several times and slowly shook my head, trying to think
straight.

"I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologize, Alex.  You didn't do anything wrong."

"And neither did you," I replied, finally able to stop crying.  "I just
don't like being ganged up on, that's all.  I hate being the center of
attention."

"You know I love you, right?"

"I do."

"And you know this is the best thing for you, right?"

"I know.  It's just hard."

"I know.  But you're not alone.  I can promise you that."

"Nick?" I said softly.

I don't know how he knew, but Nick seemed to sense what I was about to ask.
Instead of words, I simply looked at him and he knew.  He slowly walked
across the bedroom and reached out for me.  I closed my eyes and fell
against him.  As his arms wrapped around me, I took a deep breath and let
him rock me gently back and forth.

"Shhh," he whispered.  "It's going to be okay.  I promise."


Scene 92


"Are you okay?"

Slowly opening my eyes, I looked over at Drew.  His words had nearly been
drowned out by the sound of the jet engines.  I tried to smile but stopped
myself, knowing that it would look forced.

"Yeah," I replied.

"Really?"

His eyes seemed to pierce through me.  I could feel my bottom lip begin to
quiver, signaling that I was about to cry for what seemed like the fortieth
time in two days.  I closed my eyes, trying to gather whatever strength I
had left.  I felt Drew reach down and grab my hand.

"No," I finally said.

"It's okay to be scared, Alex.  It's okay to feel whatever it is you're
feeling right now."

I sighed, not really knowing what to say.  I turned my head and looked out
the window.  >From 30,000 feet up, I could see the landscape crawling by.
I wondered how many people beneath us had problems like mine.

"Do you think everyone is mad at me?" I asked.

"For what?"

"For leaving without saying goodbye."

"Alex," Drew said as he squeezed my hand, "don't worry about that.
Everyone will understand.  I promise you that.  They all just want you to
get better."

"But what about Nick?"

"What about him?"

"Drew, you heard us fighting.  I said some really nasty things to him last
night.  And now I didn't even say goodbye."

"Don't worry about my brother.  He was just upset with Jess and his anger
got directed at you.  I know he feels horrible about that.  Plus, you told
me that you and him made up."

"We did," I agreed.

"So, what's the problem, Alex?  You just need to relax, as best you can.
Take care of yourself for a change and don't worry about everyone else."

"You're right," I said.  "Can I just say one more thing?"

"Of course, baby."

"Thanks for being with me last night.  And I don't mean the sex.  I mean,
thanks for taking care of me.  I don't think anyone else would have done
that for me."

I was thinking back to the night before.  After all of the drama, Drew and
I left and spent the night together.  He took me to the Boardwalk Inn, the
hotel where he had come out to Nick and where we had shared out first kiss.
We stayed in the room and at my insistence he made love to me.  Afterwards,
he held me as I cried myself to sleep.

"Don't be so sure," he replied.  "You have more people in your corner than
you know."

About two hours later we landed in LA.  I hadn't been in LA in so long that
I hardly considered it home anymore, but it felt good to be back there
nonetheless.  I was due to check into the rehab clinic the following
morning, so Drew and I were going to spend the night in a hotel by the
beach.

"Give me your bag," he said once the seatbelt sign had turned off.

"Why?  I can carry it, Drew."

"Don't argue with me," he said with a slight grin.  "Just give it to me."

"Whatever," I said as I handed him the carry-on bag.  I wasn't about to
fight with him.

We walked slowly up the jetway, following behind the several people who had
been seated in front of us.  Once in the terminal, I glanced up to try to
figure out which way to go to get to baggage claim.  I thought I had heard
someone calling out my name, but quickly dismissed it, knowing that no one
knew I was in LA.

"Alex!" I heard again.

Turning toward the voice, I saw him.

"Mike?"

Before he could answer, I reached out for him.  He grabbed me and pulled me
into a bear hug.  He held tight for what seemed like an eternity.  I felt
so safe.

"I couldn't let you go through this alone," he whispered in my ear.

"What did I do to deserve you?"

He let me go and stepped back.  I could see the emotion in his eyes.

"Don't start getting all sappy on me, Jackson," he laughed.  "Let's just
get out of here before we cause a scene that's going to embarrass Drew."

"Or embarrass you?" I asked under my breath.

Although I'm certain he heard me, Mike just turned and started walking.  I
sighed and laughed to myself.  Glancing back at Drew, I smiled and shook my
head.  He shrugged his shoulders.

"You knew he was going to be here?"

"Yeah," he replied.

"Thanks for not telling me," I said.

"Look, Alex," he said, trying to defend himself.  "I just thought."

"No!  That was sincere.  I'm glad he's here.  It was a great surprise."

An ear-to-ear grin spread across Drew's face.  I smiled and grabbed my bag,
running up to catch up with Mike.  Within an hour we were in a limo on the
way to the hotel.

"I took care of everything at work for you, Alex," Mike said.

"Really?"

"Yeah, that boss of yours sure is a bitch."

"Tell me about it," I laughed.  "What did you tell her?"

"I told her you needed to talk some time off for medical reasons.  She was
pissed, I could tell, but she couldn't say anything because she knew about
the cancer."

"I feel horrible leaving them in the lurch like that," I responded.

"What did we talk about in the plane?" Drew asked.  "Remember?  You need to
start taking care of yourself."

"I know, Drew.  It's not my boss I'm worried about; it's my employees."

"But you're going to be leaving anyway, right?" Drew asked.

I looked over at Mike, who was staring at me, presumably trying to read my
mind.  Although we had discussed the idea of me going to work for the guys,
I never told Mike what my decision was.

"Maybe we shouldn't put Alex on the spot like that, Drew," Mike quietly
said.

"It's okay," I replied.  "I am going to take the job.  That is, presuming
it will be waiting for me in a month."

"You know it will be," Drew smiled.

"I think it's the best thing for you," Mike said.  "You've been fighting so
many things for so long now, it's about time you get to do something for
yourself.  You'll be good at it, Alex."

"But I'll never get to see you," I said.

"Maybe not, Alex.  But, Drew's right.  You need to start doing things for
yourself.  You've always looked after all of your friends, it's about time
we do something for you."

"Wait a minute!  You're the one who is always taking care of me."

"Not really," Mike said.  "I mean, in the last month with this cancer
scare, but, ever since I've known you, you're the one who has been taking
care of me."

"I'm totally confused," I confessed.

"That's what's so great about you, Alex.  Don't you realize that?  You are
the one who always remembers my birthday.  You're always checking up on me
and making sure I'm doing okay.  You know you're really the only person I
ever talk to about stuff.  I mean, the important stuff."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I thought you knew that."

"No," I said.  "You never really say much so I just figured you worked
things out with one of your other friends."

"Just you, Alex.  I'm just not the sort of person that likes to talk about
myself, that's all.  But, think back.  Last year, when I was thinking of
looking for another job.  And then when I broke up with Sharon."

"Sharon?" Drew asked with a surprised look on his face.

"Different Sharon," both Mike and I said simultaneously.

"Oh," Drew replied.  "Sorry to interrupt."

"It's okay, honey," I said.

"See, the point is that you are always taking care of everyone else," Mike
said.  "Now it's time for you to do something for yourself."

"But I like looking after people.  I'm good at it."

"Exactly," Drew jumped in.  "That's what you'll be doing for us."

Mike looked at Drew and smiled broadly.  Drew nodded slightly, obviously
pleased with himself.

"Did you guys plan this?" I asked as I laughed.

"I wish we did," Mike replied.

"I guess I can't argue with your logic.  Drew," I said, "you can report
back to everyone that I'm joining the crew."

We rode the rest of the way to the hotel in relative silence.  As I sat
there, I started thinking about how my life was about to change, again.  I
couldn't help but think about Mike.  Each time I looked over at him, I
thought about what it had been like to get to see him several times a week.
Then I thought about what would be like not having him around.  My heart
sank a bit, but I knew I needed to take a chance on the job.  Somehow I
knew that Mike would always be my best friend.


Scene 93


After we checked into the hotel, Drew took me and Mike out to dinner.
Despite the circumstances of the trip, we managed to have a good time.  I
was totally embarrassed when Mike started telling Drew stories about me.
He even described in detail what I looked like when I first walked into the
gym.

Later that night, Drew and I were sitting in bed.  Mike was in the room
next door.  I had purposely left the connecting door between the rooms
open.  Although I'm certain Mike wouldn't have cared, I wanted him to know
that Drew and I weren't having sex.  I don't know why, but that's how I
felt at the time.

"Can I ask you something?" Drew asked.  "It's about Mike."

I glanced over at Mike's room.  I saw the flicker of the television but I
could barely make out the sounds.  I knew there was no way Mike could hear
us.

"What is it?"

"Have you ever been attracted to Mike?"

"Why do you ask that?"

"I don't know," he said.  "It's just that you're so close to him."

"Well, to tell you the truth, no.  I've never had romantic feelings for
Mike.  I mean, he's a wonderful guy and I'd be lucky to be with him.
Anyone would, for that matter.  But I've never been attracted to him.  See,
right before I met him, I had fallen for this straight guy at work.
Needless to say, nothing ever happened, except me getting my heart broken."

"Aw, baby."

"Tell me about it," I laughed.  "Anyway, when I met Mike I had just vowed
to never again fall for a breeder.  Since Mike was straight, I never
allowed myself to think of him that way."

"Do you really think you can control your emotions like that?"

"Maybe.  Maybe not.  It all worked out in the end.  I guess I've always
thought of Mike as the big brother I always wanted."

"Big brothers can be a real pain."

"And you wouldn't want it any other way," I laughed.  "You've got Nick and
I've got Mike."

"We're both pretty lucky," Drew replied.

"I'd say so."

The next morning we all got up and got ready to take me to the rehab
clinic.  I didn't sleep well, but each time I would toss or turn, Drew
would reach out and pull me close to him.  I kept thinking about what was
going to happen to me and I honestly was scared.  It's one thing to admit
that you have a problem, but it's something else to go rehab.  Very few
words were spoken that morning, until we got to the clinic.

"I guess this is it," I said nervously as we stood outside.

"You're going to be fine," Mike said confidently.  "This is for the best."

"I know."

"He's right," Drew added.  "But just remember that if anything goes wrong,
you can call us and we'll take care of you."

"Thanks," I said, trying not to cry.

"Come here," Mike said as he reached out and pulled me into a hug.  "I love
you, Alex."

"I love you, too, Mike.  Thank you for everything."

I looked into Mike's eyes and saw that he understood.  I wasn't just
thanking him for being there that day; I was thanking him for all the years
we'd been together.  I was thinking of all the times he'd yelled at me, or
listened to my problems, or just laughed at my stupid jokes.  I hoped he
was thinking the same thing.

"Drew," I said as I turned away from Mike.  "I need to ask you something
and you're not going to like it."

"I'll do anything for you, you know that."

"Well, I've been thinking.  I don't want to see you for the next 30 days."

"Alex?"

"I know, honey.  You don't understand, but it has to be this way.  I need
to do this on my own.  The only way I'm going to get better is if I do it
by myself.  I have to learn how to live with it on my own or we're never
going to make it together."

"But, Alex," he sobbed.

"I'm sorry.  It has to be this way.  It's just 30 days.  Please, do it for
me."

Through the tears, I heard a muffled yes.  I hated doing that to him, but
it was something I felt I needed to do.  I grabbed him and held him tight.
Neither us of moved for several minutes.  Finally, I took a deep breath and
gently pushed Drew away.

"I love you," I said.

Without any more words, I turned and walked toward the door to the clinic.
I quickly walked up the half flight of stairs and entered the building
without looking back.  After I heard the door shut behind me, I turned and
looked out the window.  Although I was a good distance away, I could tell
that Drew was still crying.  I felt my heart sink, knowing that I was the
cause of so much pain for him.

Just as I was about to turn away, I saw something that gave me a bit of
hope.  Mike placed his hand on Drew's shoulder.  Seconds later, Drew turned
and Mike wrapped his arms around Drew.  I felt a tiny bit of comfort
knowing that neither of them was alone at that moment.

Finally deciding it was time, I turned and walked up to the registration
desk.  It was time for me to face all my demons.

To Be Continued.

Quick question for everyone.  I'm curious to know what you think about the
supporting characters like Mike, Sharon, Aaron, and now Christian.  Do they
seem believable?  Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Send feedback to thack98@mindspring.com