Date: Sun, 6 Oct 2002 13:48:23 +0800
From: ryan <yr_ry_@hotmail.com>
Subject: What I See 19

*Disclaimer*

If you are under 18 or not of legal age in your country, please do not read
on. If you couldn't accept themes of homosexuality and the like, please
don't read on. This is a story concerning gay males having intimate
relationships and is considered FOR ADULTS ONLY due to its sexual theme and
contents. BUT if you really like this stuff, please don't tell others.

Everything in this story is purely FICTIONAL. Or in simpler terms, it's not
true!!! Even if this story involves NSYNC, a real, successful American
singing group, and a fictitious character, all that happens in here is
fictional... again, it's not true. If there are instances that it is
similar to what happened in the real world, it doesn't mean that it's
really true. I don't know anything about their sexuality, as far as the I
and the world know, they're straight as an arrow so I dunno if they're gay
(but I do have my speculations) or not but I wrote this out of freedom of
speech and my love for these guys and slash fiction. I don't own or know
NSYNC personally. AGAIN, it's NOT TRUE!!! but don't we all hope that it's
true... hehehehe...


*First Words*

Hi guys. This is my 3rd work here in the boyband section of the Nifty
Archives. I dunno why I called it "What I See" but I just ran out of ideas
for a title and thought of something simple. So the title, What I See was
born *giggle*. I dunno if I can manage my 3 stories at the same time but
Crossed Paths is in its "season break" and Reformation is still there. But
I'll really try my best to update all my stories. Remember, I love
feedbacks.

Mail me at my NEW Addie at
yr_ry_@hotmail.com


What I See Chapter 19

The argument over the phone was the last time I heard Josh's voice. And
that's a week ago. I would be a hypocrite if I say that I was fine because
I was and still a total wreck. I asked Matt if I could take a leave of
absence for two weeks because I know that I'm not fit to work in my very
miserable condition. Matt said yes.

It was like I didn't meet NSYNC. No one from the NSYNC camp called to ask
if I was okay or what but I can't blame them because JC is their 'brother'
and who am I to them? I'm just JC's boyfriend, er, prolly ex-boyfriend
now. But I'm still grateful because there are still people who are
concerned with me. There's my family. Paul and Dee have been visiting me
everyday after I broke the news to them. Mom and Dad dropped by a few days
ago and they constantly call me from time to time. Ken turned bitch mode
when I vented out to him and from the tone of his voice, JC should be very
afraid. Even Will dropped by the other day.

Still, it's just me and Pookie in my dark house. I don't know why but I get
the feeling that the world is trying to sink me more in my depression. When
I opened the television, all the channels just showed very sad shows or
movies. And I'm not yet crazy to switch my channel to MTV. Seeing JC in one
of their videos is the last thing in my mind. So, I opted to shut it off
and just wallow in my sadness with the deafening silence of the house.

It's already Wednesday and it's even gloomy outside. It's very cloudy and
it seemed that it's gonna rain. Just great. Add more to my miseries. I
pulled myself off the bed and walked to the bathroom. I looked at myself in
the mirror. "I look like shit." I said out loud. Well, it's the image that
I saw in the reflection. My face seemed to age so much. I have dark circles
under my eyes -- the product of late nights because I couldn't sleep. I
haven't shaved yet for the week so I have a little bush forming.

I stripped off until I was naked. I also lost weight. I can't believe that
so much has been lost in such a small span of time. Well, I guess if you're
eating once a day and that can be compared to a pauper's serving, you'll
eventually lose weight. But what can I do? I lost my appetite.

Twisting the knobs of the shower, I adjusted the temperature that wouldn't
freeze or scald me. Just the right temperature. It was a very relaxing
experience. It's like I have no worries. My muscles seemed to be less
tensed and I feel so good. I wish I can just stay in here forever but that
means I'll have to live like a prune as well. But who cares right?

My common sense got over me and shut off the water and toweled myself
dry. Picking up a white shirt and blue boxers, I dressed up. I didn't
intend to go out of the house so why would I dress up right? Probably Paul
will come later on but he has seen me in lesser clothes. I went downstairs
to take care of my dog. I can't believe that even in my depressed state, I
could think of Pookie's well being. But she's just a cutie that I love to
death and she's the only one I have in this house.

I opened the backdoor so she can go out and have her exercise and do her
'thing' as well. She's been trained already to do that. Thank God. After a
few minutes, she ran back inside the house and kept on running around
me. "You're hungry?" I asked in a small voice in which she barked at. I
opened a can of dog food and poured it on her bowl and left.

Ah, back to my little cell. My bedroom. I laid down on the bed and just
covered my body with the comforter. Sooner or later, sleep will overcome me
and it would be a few hours shorter and then, the day would end. Still
uneventful. Still alone.

I don't know what I was staring at but my mind began to think about my
state with JC. Until at this moment, I'm not sure if I'm right or I'm wrong
but it just feels that it is right but why does it have to feel so shitty
for me. It's like doing the right thing but it's at your disadvantage
eventually.

"Honey, I'm home!" Someone bellowed from downstairs. I know it was
Paul. He's the only guy that would shout that in our family and it's just
my family who has keys to the house. I rolled my eyes and covered my face
with the comforter. Not again.

Paul just comes here to annoy me. He doesn't help. He just tries to
irritate me. "How's my favorite brother in the world?" Paul asked in a
singsong manner. See what I mean? I just want to pounce him already. He
pulled the comforter. "Peek a boo! I see you." He said with a grin.

"I hate you." I mumbled trying to pull the comforter from him.

"No you don't." He answered confidently. "You wuv me." He said in a baby
voice. He's too damn cheery. I don't know how he does it but he's been this
packet of joy since his talk with Wade. Yeah, they fixed it. Wade visited
last Saturday and the two had a 'wonderful' time. Wade was not talking
about JC. And I'm not that chatty as well but I'm really interested in what
Wade told him.

"What do you want?" I asked.

"Nothing." He said with a grin that really annoys me a lot.

"If you have nothing to say. Get the fuck out." I snapped. I looked away
from where he was standing and just tried to think that he's not there. Why
won't they just go away?

"You know, you're really trying my patience." Paul stated but I didn't
move. I just tried to ignore it. "I've been giving you the space for the
past week already but you're not moving on." He told me.

"What do you want me to do? Celebrate?" I said harshly. I don't want to be
hostile, especially with Paul but he's really bugging me already.

"No. Just live." He told me. "You've been cooped up in this house for the
past week already and nothing has been accomplished. Did you ever talk to
JC?" He asked.

"Last time I did, we fuckin' broke up! What's there to talk about?" I
yelled.

"Did you really break up already? As far as I can recall, the word 'break
up' was never used in your conversation." Paul retorted.

"I think you're wise enough to piece everything together. I know the
consequences of that 'talk' and there's nothing that I can do about it." I
answered.

"Of course you can do something." Paul said.

"What? Call him and tell him that I'm sorry and I'm gonna take the job? Of
course not. I'm not gonna apologize because I didn't do anything
wrong. He's the one who gave me the job behind my back and he's the one
who's insensitive and selfish. He's the one that conspired everything. I'm
the victim here, remember?" I said in a louder tone.

"Do you have to say sorry? Can't you just call and say that you want to
talk about it? Can't you just say hi?" He answered back.

"You want me to just call him and say, 'hi honey how's your day?' like
nothing ever happened?" I asked back.

"YES!" He exclaimed.

"Why do I have to start? He's at fault. He starts." I shot back.

"Gosh, you two are so stubborn." Paul mumbled to himself but I just ignored
that he said anything. "What's your plan today?" He asked changing the
topic maybe thinking that it's hopeless to deal with me. Well, he's right.

"What do you think?" I asked back dryly.

"Oh yeah! You have an appointment with depression!" He said
sarcastically. I think sarcasm runs in the family. I just rolled my eyes
and that's what he did as well.

"Are you done annoying me for the day?" I said folding my arms and glaring
at him.

"That's it! Stand up!" Paul screamed at me. That was new. I was
shocked. Well, Paul wasn't the type who would scream at you. Actually, he's
the most patient among the 3 of us so blowing his top is the last thing on
my mind.

"Why should I?" I inquired.

"You are leaving now." He said with an edge. "You will leave this house of
yours and you're gonna go on a trip."

"I am not going to JC." I said in gritted teeth.

"Whoever said that you're gonna go to NSYNC? You are going to
California. Maybe Ken will find a way to raise you from the dead." He told
me as he opened my closet and pulled out a traveling bag.

"What if I..." I was about to say.

"No! You're going and that's final. I have your ticket already and I'll
house sit for you while you are gone." He told me.

I just stared at him. I know that Paul means well. Well, he always
does. "You planned all of this already?" I asked not really believing how
he could pull this off. I mean I am talking about the
just-graduated-without-a-job Paul.

"Yeah. Ken already knows this and he's gonna pick you up later in the
airport and I talked to Matt as well and he's supporting this 100% and mom
and dad are actually nagging me already why I'm putting this off." Paul
told me. I guess I am cornered here and I don't have anything to do but to
just follow my younger brother's orders. "Make yourself presentable and
I'll fix your bag." He told me as he walked to my closet and took some of
my clothes.

I reluctantly stood up and walked to the bathroom to bring my other stuff
that I need. I placed all my bath stuff in a little bag and walked out of
the bathroom to finally dress up. I still can't believe that I'm being
forced to go to California but looking at the bright side, it seems to be a
neat idea. I haven't seen Kenny for ages and God knows how I need a change
of scenery already.

I just wore a green button shirt that's a little bit wrinkled and a faded
pair of jeans. I think this would do. It's not like I'm a pop star or
anything. "Paul?" I asked as I sat on the bed.

"Yes?" He stopped folding my clothes.

"Did Wade say anything?" I finally asked. I've been very curious about this
already. I just didn't know how on earth I would address it. The last thing
I need is to place my brother and Wade in the middle of my fight with
JC. Paul seemed to tense after I asked the question. My heart is beating
harder now. I have a gut feeling that it's not good. I think it's obvious
with Paul's reaction. "You don't have to answer it if you don't want to." I
added with a weak smile.

"JC is a total wreck." Paul said. "Wade said that it's his worst
performance ever during the concerts and after the concerts, he's drinking
hard and partying." I could picture JC in my mind in those clubs with all
the men and women touching him and in my mind JC seems to enjoy it.

"What time will my flight leave?" I deliberately changed the subject as
images of JC partying still haunted me. I don't know if I should cry or not
but I am tired of crying.

"Er, 1:00pm." Paul answered me. I walked to the closet and took more
clothes from there that I would bring. I have to do something. I have to
busy myself. I have to stop thinking about JC even if I can't. I threw the
clothes on my hands on the bed and just cried. I just can't take the
overwhelming feeling that succumbed me. I just love Josh so much that I
really don't know what to do anymore.

"Why does this have to happen? Why can't I just be happy in my life?" I
asked no one in particular. I felt Paul's touch on my back as he rubbed it
trying to give me comfort. "I love him so much it hurts." I sobbed.

"Shhh, everything will be okay." Paul comforted me. But I know that
everything won't be okay. It can't be because fate hates me. It just wants
me to suffer and stay miserable for the rest of my life.

After a few more minutes, I calmed a bit to stand up and fixed myself up. I
walked quietly to the washroom to wash the tears away. I wish removing the
pain and misery that I was feeling was as easy as washing it away with
water. But it's not. I have to suffer. "Let's go."  I said as I walked out
of the washroom and took my bag on the bed. I started out of the door
wishing that I'm in California as soon as possible.

Paul brought me to the airport with his car. It was a very quiet one. He
didn't talk. I didn't talk. The radio wasn't even turned on. It was just
the hum of the engine and the sound of the world around us. After a few
minutes, we slowed down and parked in the parking area of the
airport. "This is your ticket." Paul handed. I took it and placed it in my
pocket.

"Paul, thanks." I said. I was just looking down not daring to look at Paul.

"It's okay. That's why you have siblings around; to support you especially
in times of need." Paul told me. We stepped out of the car and with the bag
by my hand; I gave Paul a tight hug. "I love you." Paul whispered.

"I love you too." I whispered back as we broke our embrace. I smiled at him
and walked to the airport. I just hope that Paul was right about this trip.

After a few minutes of waiting in the airport, I finally boarded the
plane. It wasn't first class or anything but I think it was pretty
comfortable. I was seated near the window giving me a view of the outside
world. I buckled my seatbelt knowing that the one of the flight attendants
would be announcing it later on. So, I just sat there quietly waiting for
the plane to take off.

A nice old lady was my seatmate for the ride. She seems sweet and for the
past 30 minutes or so of waiting for the plane to start its trip, she was
always smiling. It's not that I'm observing her or something but I can't
help it. "You seem sad." She told me as her eyebrows furrow.

"Excuse me?" I answered not sure if she was really addressing me.

"I can see it in your eyes. You have a big problem." She told me. Is she
psychic or something? Or maybe, I'm just that easy to read. Well, my
parents did say that once they found me cooped up in my room.

"As a matter of fact I do, um..." I trailed of not really knowing her name.

"It's Agatha." She answered with a smile. "Such a shame. You look so
handsome and I think that you should smile to brighten up your face."

"I wish I can." I sighed. "It's a problem of the heart." I told her.

"That's why." She stated nodding. "I think that's one of the most difficult
problems to deal it but it's the easiest to solve as well."

"You seem to be an expert in the heart." I told her with a weak smile.

"Oh no." She told me. "I have a share of stupid decisions especially when
it comes to love. I've been divorced three times already but it's just a
matter of finding the right one." She said with a smile like she's
reminiscing something from memory.

"I assume you found that right one?" I inquired.

"I did but he passed on a year ago." She replied solemnly.

"I'm sorry to hear that." I said chastising myself for being too nosy.

"There's nothing to be sorry about." She smiled. "We lived together for 10
amazing years and our love never died down. I am still in love with him
even if he has died." She told me as I just stared at her feeling the love
within her. I can't explain it but she just exudes an air of love or
positive energy around her. "Always dwell on the good ones, and learn from
the bad ones." She said knowingly.

"But the problem is that there are no good ones yet." I said dryly. "We've
been together for just a few weeks and in those two weeks, we have already
fought twice already." I can't believe that I'm actually opening up to a
stranger but it does feel good.


"You going to see him?" She asked. I was surprised that she guessed that
I'm gay. "Don't be surprised. I have a gay son and I know a gay guy when I
see one." We laughed at that.

"No, I'm not seeing him. My brother forced me to go to my best friend in
California for a few days coz they think I'm not moving on." I told
her. She just nodded at me.

"Well, I think that's so sweet of your brother to do that. You seem to be
very lost." She said as she touched my arm. I just looked at her with
confusion. "I can see it in you. You don't know what to do."

"You're right again." I told her. "It's just that Josh, my boyfriend or
ex-boyfriend now did something to me. It's a long story." I just said.

"Well dear, I think we have all the time to hear all of it." She said with
a smile. She fixed her glasses and laid on the headrest of the seat and
looked at me expectantly.

"Okay." I sighed and started narrating everything that happened to
us. Well, I just didn't mention that it was JC of NSYNC and the company was
JIVE Records. I think she caught it but kept her peace. She didn't say
anything until I said everything that I have to say. Tears were flowing
from my eyes as I relived that painful experience.

"You know hun, I experienced a dilemma of that kind before." She said when
I finally finished telling my story. "Well, it's not that same as yours but
I think it's pretty similar. Well, John, my first husband, was a busy
man. He always goes to some place because of his business. Sometimes, he
won't go home for weeks and we just settle to letters and the occasional
phone call because that's way way back. I, on the other hand worked as a
teacher. John offered me to just join him in his trips since we didn't have
a child yet at that moment. Well, same as what you did, I declined and he
blew his top! I can still hear his voice as he angrily berates me for being
inconsiderate to his feelings." She said as she stared into nothingness
trying to reminisce the experience. "I fought back and accused him too of
being selfish and the two of us didn't talk to each other for 3 weeks but
in the end, he went home and talked to me. I was firm with my decision and
he just relented." She said.

"What did you do?" I asked.

"We talked and talked and talked some more. If you shut off the
communication, everything will just be left in confusion and that will just
separate you further. He wasn't happy about it but he can't do anything
until I reached out to him and made a leave for a few weeks to be with
him. Then, I returned back home with him." She said. Should I do the same
thing? Go with him for a few weeks? It sounds promising but I don't know
yet.

"I wish it would be that easy for my case. My boyfriend is just so
stubborn." I told her. "And, I'm stubborn too." I added with a smile. She
just chuckled at me.

"Gosh, you just remind me of the early days." She said as she gazed out of
the window. I followed her gaze and all I saw was the blue sky and fluffy
clouds. We were already in the air. I didn't even notice that we already
flew out. "Don't lose hope. Everything will fall into its right
place. Don't worry." She told me with a smile and touched my hand.

"Thank you." I told her. Agatha gave me a nice suggestion on how I'll solve
my dilemma with JC. But JC and I are not in speaking terms right now. And I
think that the whole NSYNC camp is hating me right now. I just wish that a
miracle would eventually happen.


--------------------
End of Chapter

That's chapter 19 already! I really really hope that you enjoyed this one
even if the chapters are a little sad but I promise that everything will
turn up right in the future. When? I really don't know coz this story seems
to be writing itself! It's like I'm just its secretary here.

The nominations for the BBSA are now up! Please nominate your favorite
authors and stories because the BBSA gives great opportunity for some
authors to shine! :-) It's the perfect way of saying that "I read your
story and it rocks!" So do nominate!

Thanks to ALL of you who have taken the time and MAILED me! I truly
appreciate it very much. It's really nice to know if there are people who
are actually reading what I write. A big big shout out to Danny and Chris!

PLEASE!!!! Send me feedbacks... I'm a feedback addict! I so love those
feedbacks. Short, long, good or bad, or just whatever... drop me a line
okay? I also have most of the IM programs out there and I'm usually on,
hopefully you can catch me.

AIM : pseud0ry
Yahoo! : yr_ry
MSN : yr_ry_@hotmail.com
ICQ : 156360427

Also, I'm usually in the boyband chatroom.

NEW Addie is:
yr_ry_@hotmail.com

EMAIL me.

A big 'HI' to the people in the Nifty Boyband Chatroom and CRAZY!!! They
are so nice, especially Wes, Dru, Bernie, CJ, Duckie, Strat, Clive,
Jayson... and the list goes on. Wanna say hi to my friend Byron who have
helped me with his support and his friendship! Stay strong in your
relationship! Finally, a big big 'thank you' to David who maintains the
Nifty archives, without him, we won't be reading any of the best slash fics
in the world!

Also, here are my suggestions of other cool stories in the archive that
influenced me in my craft.

NSYNC Stories.
 + Jamie's Romance (Justin)
 + Love Thru Chat (JC/Justin, Lance)
 + Josh and Just (JC/Justin)
 + Lance in Shining Armour (Lance)
 + My New Life (Lance)
 + Justin's Dark Angel (Justin)
 + My Surprise Romance (Lance)
 + Life with Justin (Justin)
 + JC's Hitchhiker (JC)
 + Jimmy Needs Assistance (Lance)
 + Lance, JC and an Astral Fan (Lance/JC)
 + Lance's Search (Lance/JC)
 + Like the Rain (Justin)
 + JC Dreams (JC)
 + My Soulmate JC (JC)
 + Sans Vous, Je Suis Rien (Justin)
 + Chance Meeting (Justin)
 + Needing You (Lance/Eminem)
 + Thieves (Lance)
 + Blind Revolution (Justin)

Backstreet Stories.
 + Because I Love You (Brian/Nick)
 + Double Take (Brian/Nick)
 + Bad Boy B-Rok (Brian)
 + Heir to the Darkness (Brian/Nick)
 + Kevin and Dustin (Kevin)
 + French Kiss Me (Brian)
 + Millennium Love (Brian)
 + Forever (Kevin)
 + Get Another Boyfriend (Kevin)
 + Heir to the Darkness (Nick/Brian)
 + Insecurities (Nick)
 + On the Streets (Kevin)
 + Brian and Tommy (Brian)

Crossover Stories.
 + Brian and Justin (Brian/Justin)
 + The One (Brian/Justin)
 + Living (Almost all of NSYNC, BSB and 98') --> found in www.matthewtime.com