W h a t   I   S e e
C h a p t e r    3 5

 by r (y) @ n [windang@softhome.net]


The concert proceeded without a hitch. It was truly a euphoric experience. I knew that I wanted to feel that once again. I wanted to feel the adrenaline pumping through my body as every beat blared from the big speakers. It was like my heart was beating along with the beats of their songs. The only letdown was the noise level from the screaming girls. It was too much for me to handle. After the concert, I was having a little dizzy spell and my ears were ringing.

Melinda already handed me my all access pass after almost getting caught having some intimate moment with Josh. I wanted to crawl up in a corner and die when Melinda knocked and I was on my knees sucking Josh. We fixed up quickly and that just totally took away the moment. I knew that Josh would be still hyper later on and we would do something to ease the energy that he has.

One of their bodyguards spotted me walking idly. He ushered me to one of the waiting rooms of the guys. “Orders from the boss.” He told me grinning. My guess was that everyone already knew about my relationship with Josh but they’re not allowed to verbally say it.

Inside the waiting room, there were just couches, a television, a Playstation 2 system, and loads of food placed on a table at the side. I was still alone then. The guys must be cleaning up or something. After a few minutes, the door opened and the guys entered. They were all smiles and filled with energy.

“Hi guys! Great show!” I told them.

The guys started to speak at the same time telling me all the things they experienced while on stage and seeing all their fans. Yes, they were still hyper. The guys were chattering about mistakes that they made or things that they saw in the audience. Some were really funny. I didn’t see it because while I was there, I had my own world with the guys. “So how did you find the concert?” Lance asked me.

“It was great. You’re all amazing.” I answered.

Lance tried to rebut by relaying all the mistakes that he had made. Maybe for him, it was filled with mistakes but from an audience’s point of view, it was a great one. The others filled in with their own mistakes. I tried to be polite and just plastered a smile.

Melinda knocked on the door and entered. “You’re all cleared to go now. Cars are waiting outside. See you tomorrow.” She said and walked out of the room. The guys gathered their duffel bags and filed out of the room still talking about the concert. Josh and I trailed behind whispering to each other.

“You were so great.” I told him.

“I think it was okay. There’s room for improvement but the fans liked it as far as I can tell.”

“Yeah, your boo-boo’s were so insignificant. The point is that the fans had fun because you gave your 100% for them.”

“I guess. Anyway, what do you want to do later on?”

“Finish up some unfinished business.” I said wiggling my eyebrows. Josh smiled at me and I knew that he liked the idea.

“Hey, you two! Hurry up!” Joey hollered and we just laughed walking faster than our original pace.

The drive back to the hotel wasn’t really tedious because there was no traffic considering that it was already late. Josh and I were in a corner being sappy and touchy. I knew that the guys were trying their best to ignore us – especially Justin who was staring out of the window. When we reached the hotel, I was sporting a raging hard on already. I was thankful that I wore a big shirt that day because it would be very embarrassing. I felt that Josh was having the same problem but he has his duffel bag that he could use to cover up his front area.

We hurriedly walked to the elevator praying that the doors open immediately. It’s not just the embarrassment but also the lust and passion raging inside. I wanted to make love with him.

Like him, I was already filled with energy waiting to be extinguished. Sex is a great way of losing some of that energy.

It was apparent that we were becoming impatient. I kept on looking at my watch while Josh kept on pushing the button of the elevator. It wouldn’t speed up anything but it’s better than being in idle letting ever second pass. Finally, the doors opened and we entered quickly. The others followed us but they were less enthusiastic since they were chattering about things that I couldn’t even recall. Once the doors closed, Josh and I latched to each other and kissed.

Silence filled the tiny elevator followed by gagging noises (care of Joey and Chris) and shock expressions (care of Justin and Lance). After a few more seconds of tongue wrestling and a little groping, we broke the kiss and blushed a little. “We just needed to release some steam.” Josh tried to explain but I knew that we wouldn’t hear the end of this.

“Yeah, right.” Joey said grinning at us like a Cheshire cat. The rest of the ride was spent in silence and longing. When the doors opened to our floor, Josh and I sped out of the elevator to our room.

“Use protection!” Chris shouted from the elevator.

When Josh succeeded in opening the door, I pushed him inside the room and locked the door behind me once I got in. I embraced him tightly as I pinned him to the floor letting my hands explore his taut body. “I love you so much.” I tried to say in between the hot kiss that was happening. I could feel his hardness already and as always, it felt really big and I knew that it would be one hot night once again inside the Chasez suite.

Normalcy settled in our lives. While they rehearse for a concert or do any promotional work, I would either be in the hotel or in their venue doing my job. Matt was very happy with the progress that I was making and he claimed that it was my best work as of date.

I could say that I was very happy and contented then. No big fights happened except some superficial arguments that we learned to deal with. Justin was trying to keep his distance from Josh and me. Who can blame him? Josh would always be in his “watchdog mode” when Justin was around. So, Justin usually went out to party with his posse.

We were in Philadelphia and the guys had a day off. They looked so tired already with all the moving and lack of sleep. Josh lost a bit of weight and I mentioned that to him before. He just shrugged it off claiming that it happens during tour. But I did mention to him that I’ll be watching his diet.

Lance and Josh decided to go out for awhile. Josh tried to convince me to go with him but I told him that I didn’t want to and I would just work in my laptop. It was so hard to resist especially when he started to pout but I maintained my resolve. They were going to the mall and they’re the hardest people to shop with. Lance and Josh would quarrel about things to buy since Lance was a little bit of a spender while Josh could be stingy.

I was so lost already in making an image for a banner when someone knocked. “Come in.” I bellowed. I didn’t want to leave my position on the couch since I’ve been looking for a comfortable position and if I leave it, I would lose that position. It’s one of my eccentricities.

Justin’s head popped in. “Can I come in?” He asked.

“Sure.” I answered with a smile as I saved the files that I was using.

“If I’m disturbing you, I’ll just come back again.” Justin said as he moved back.

“Don’t be silly. I needed the distraction. My neck is already strained because of this thing.” Justin smiled and bounded to the couch beside me. “What’s up? I haven’t seen you around for ages.”

“Yeah, I know. I’ve been extremely busy with my album and doing some publicity shit.” Justin said.

“Yeah, I’ve been seeing your name in the television and the newspaper in a daily basis already. You’re like the next best thing out there.”

“What I do to be a star?” Justin said haughtily that made me laugh. It didn’t fit him well mainly because I already knew that he wasn’t that way. “I really missed you for the past days.”

“I miss you too. It is not my fault that someone has to be a star?” I told him grinning.

“I know, I know. It’s my fault but the job calls for it.”

“Is that only the reason?”

“Well, I don’t want to be eaten alive by Josh too.” Justin said in a joking way but I knew that he was hurt by that.

“Come on! Josh isn’t that bad. Yes, he can be a bit protective but I don’t think it’s overbearing.” I said trying to rationalize.

“Okay, okay.” Justin said shrugging. “Oh yeah, I have this new song that is so, so funky.” Justin said with excitement. We talked for hours mainly about his experiences in making his own album. He told me all his fears and worries about his album.

It was great talking with him because he always breathes life. It’s like the atmosphere has been jolted up when he comes in. He has this particular presence that gives you ease and comfort when you’re with him.

Not until Josh arrived. Josh and Lance came in carrying a bunch of bags laughing about something. That laughter immediately ceased when Josh saw Justin in the room. He raised his eyebrow in surprise. “What are you doing here?” Josh asked in a not-so-polite way. It surprised me and probably Justin as well. It was the first time that he was rude about it.

“We’re just talking.” I said staring at Josh.

“Um, I’ll be going to my room now.” Lance chimed in probably sensing the awkward air.

“Me too.” Justin said as he hastily vacated the place.

“What was that?” Josh and I shouted at the same time.

“Can’t I talk to a friend?” I asked.

“Yes, but Justin is different. I know that he has some hidden agenda to get you to bed. He still wants you and you’re letting him get you.” He said angrily.

“Justin is perfectly fine. I don’t think he has a hidden agenda as how you place it. We were just having a nice conversation until you came!”

“Look at this! Now, you’re defending him!”

I threw my arms in the air. I was getting frustrated. “I don’t need this.” I said walking away from him.

“Don’t turn your back away from me!” Josh shouted.

“What will you do? Spank me?” I told him defiantly. “I don’t want to talk to you because you’re out of it right now.”

“How dare you?!”

“How dare me? How dare you! You don’t choose my friends. I talk to anyone I want to talk to. Justin IS my friend. If I want to talk to him, I will. If you have an issue about that, then fuck yourself!”

“Justin is not just a friend. He’s also the guy you fucked.”

“Hello?! It wasn’t just me. You were there too busy sucking his dick!” I shouted at him. I didn’t care if someone heard me.

“I regretted that. It shouldn’t have happened! It was a one night thing that should not happen again.”

“And I agree with you. But that night shouldn’t destroy your friendship with Justin. Are you willing to just throw away all those years just because of one night?”

“If it will ensure me that he’ll never run after you again, I am willing.” Josh stated as he stared at me. I knew that he was dead serious.

“Then, you’re a fool.” I said sadly and walked away.

I felt like Yoko Ono at that moment. I was driving the group apart. I felt Josh’s grasp on my shoulder. He spun me around and engulfed me in a tight embrace. I was just standing there not sure of the right thing to do. But what is right and what is wrong?

“Please, don’t. I don’t know what I’ll do without you. I have to be with you.”

“I know that. And I feel the same way.”

“Every time I see Justin with you, there’s a voice in my mind telling me that he’ll steal you away from me. I know that Justin still loves you and he can’t do anything about that. But after that night, it made me wonder more. I don’t doubt your love for me but I don’t know what Justin will do just to get you for himself. He is persistent and if he wants something, he will do anything just to get it.”

“Josh, I love you. I think Justin understands that I’ll never love him like I love you. He can try but he’ll never succeed.” I said and gave him a soft kiss.


CHAPTER 35! I think I owe everyone a big apology! This chapter is way overdue. I underestimated the school work that poured. I have a little break right now and I'm trying to write a lot so I can update What I See more often. But I don't promise anything. I'll try my best though.

I also want to extend my gracious thanks to ALL of you who have taken the time and EMAILED me! I truly appreciate it very much. It's really nice to know if there are people who are actually reading what I write here.

PLEASE!!!! Send me feedbacks... I'm a feedback addict! I so love those feedbacks. Short, long, good or bad, or just whatever... drop me a line okay? Also, I'm usually in the boyband and niftywriters chatrooms.

EMAIL ADDRESS: windang@softhome.net


A big big "HI" to all my new friends in the Nifty Boyband chatroom, Nifty Writers room, and Crazy!!! There are too many names to mention but I guess Dru, Duckie and CJ are my frequent chatmates! So a big "hello" to the three of you! I wanna give a big shout out to my Danish pals, Chris and Danny. They have always given nice bits of advice to me especially when I felt low. I hope you two won't ever break up! :-) And finally, David!!!! Thank you very much for maintaining the Nifty archives. Without him, we won't be able to read any of the best slash stories in the net.