Date: Wed, 14 Nov 2001 23:20:22 EST
From: JoCfetish@aol.com
Subject: What Your Friends Don't Realize

Author's Note: Hey! This is the first story that I've ever
posted anywhere.  It's short, sweet (sort of), and contains
no sex! (Not this time. Sorry.) It's really just a little
snippet.  I hope you all enjoy.  Feedback of any kind is
welcome at: JoC fetish@aol.com

Disclaimer:  This story is fiction and is not intended to
imply anything about the true sexuality of the celebrities
mentioned or any personal knowledge about their private
lives.


What Your Friends Don't Realize

Nick was flirting with Howie again.  And Howie, although
oblivious, was soaking it up.

Kevin watched quietly, his hands folded in his lap as Nick
collapsed in laughter against Howie.  AJ's joke hadn't been
that funny.

They were waiting for their flight to New York.  They'd
been waiting for about an hour.  Luckily management had
provided them with a lovely private airport lounge to hide
away in.  AJ had calmed down, was done making cracks about
the overzealous girl in the front row the night before.  He
and Brian were in deep conversation beside the windows.
Howie and Nick were all over one another on the couch.
Kevin was watching it all.

It had been going on for about a year now.  At first Kevin
thought that Nick was overcompensating for the loss of
Brian.  Not that Nick had actually lost Brian.  Brian would
always be Nick's best friend, but Nick felt he had been
replaced.

Nick was a little spoiled.  Kevin smiled.  All right.  Nick
was a lot spoiled.  And he was used to getting a lot of
attention.  It was partly their fault.  Nick was the baby.
Even at 21, he was the baby and they all made concessions
for him because of it.  If Nick made a mistake, like the
time he had been angry about some scheduling that they
really had no control over and had handled it by punching
Kevin, he was usually forgiven.  Kevin had hugged Nick
tightly, whispering that it was all right and that they all
just needed to calm down, while Howie ran to get an ice
pack for Kevin's cheek.  If AJ had done the same thing he
would have been in trouble.  Everyone would have been mad.
The group dynamic screwed up because AJ should have known
better.  Nick wasn't expected to know better.  Nick was
still learning.

They knew it was wrong to make such exceptions for Nick.
They knew it when Nick became sullen and bitter for weeks
at a time if he didn't get his way.  And Nick cried a lot,
although he would never admit to it.  Kevin couldn't even
count the number of times that he had consoled a sobbing
Nick in some hotel room somewhere.

It was like having an overgrown child around.  Only Nick
wasn't a child anymore.  There were times when that became
strikingly obvious.

Nick was insanely jealous of Leigh Anne.  He came sobbing
to Kevin on Brian's wedding night, sniffling about how he'd
been replaced and he was worthless and it all came down to
the fact that Nick felt jealous and abandoned.  Kevin
stroked Nick's tousled hair, rubbed his back soothingly and
tried his best to convince Nick that no one had abandoned
him, they all loved him, and he wasn't worthless.  But it
was hard to convince Nick of these things.

Nick grew up under adoring, yet fickle eyes.  He grew up
under the scrutiny of hoards of girls, who, although blind
to certain things, were all too aware of things that were
less important.  It hurt Nick to know that fans turned
their backs on him instantly as soon as he gained a few
pounds, as soon as he had to make a public appearance with
his face broken out, as soon as they found out that he
didn't have perfect vision.  As soon as they realized Nick
wasn't perfect.

Nick, therefore, felt that he had to be perfect and it
wounded him deeply when he realized that he couldn't
achieve that perfection.  He didn't understand it when
Kevin told him that he loved Nick's imperfections.  And
that AJ, Brian, and Howie, They loved his imperfections
too.

Kevin told Nick all of these things. But Nick felt
abandoned and so he sulked for weeks after the wedding.
Kevin was almost upset that his own wedding hadn't affected
Nick so much.

Then all of a sudden Nick was all over Howie.  Howie didn't
seem to mind.  He used to think Nick was annoying, and he
tried to avoid him.  But Howie was past that now and he'd
come to genuinely enjoy Nick's company.  Kevin noticed the
change in the group as soon as it happened.  In the
beginning it was subtle.  Howie spent more time with Nick
than he did with AJ.  Brian noticed and seemed upset about
it for about a day, then got over it and just tagged along
with them once in awhile.  AJ didn't notice or didn't let
on that he did.  AJ was too wrapped up in AJ to notice
subtle changes.

At first they were just friends.  But as the months passed
they became really close friends.  Kevin left numerous
messages on Nick's machine wracking his brain for a reason
that Nick was never home.  Then he stopped calling Nick's
house all together and started calling Howie's when he
needed to speak with Nick instead.  There were only a few
occasions that he called Howie's looking for Nick and Nick
wasn't there.

And then Kevin noticed it change again.  He watched Nick
change from friendly to flirty.  Nick had never had much of
a concept of personal space.  He was all over the other
guys all of the time.  But there was a difference in his
normal every day touching and the way that he had begun
touching Howie.  Kevin sometimes wondered what it felt like
to be touched by Nick.  Like that.

Howie didn't act any differently.  And Kevin knew when
Howie was acting abnormally.  He wasn't very good at hiding
emotions and Kevin could read them all like a book.  All of
Howie's emotions, but also all of Brian's, all of AJ's, all
of Nick's.  Kevin had been watching for a long time.

Nick wanted Howie.  It was painfully obvious.  Nick lived
at Howie's.  He had an overt preoccupation with Howie's
hair.  Kevin could hardly remember a time when Howie's hair
didn't include a hand or two of Nick Carter's.  When Nick
touched Kevin, the touch said "friend" or "brother".  When
Nick touched Howie, the touch wasn't a touch at all but
more of a caress and it screamed "love" and "want" and even
"need."

Kevin was counting the days until he would have a sobbing
crushed Nick in his arms.  Howie had to realize sometime.
He couldn't be oblivious forever.  And Kevin knew that when
Howie did realize, he wouldn't react well.  Howie had an
intense fear of being seen in an unfavorable light, and had
long ago started to overcompensate for what the public
thought were his biggest flaws.  As a result Howie
developed an intense obsession with the nonexistent flab on
his stomach and tried to act ridiculously straight.  It
didn't usually work.

Kevin was almost looking forward to it, because he didn't
want to admit it, but he missed Nick.  He's been seeing
less and less of him every day.  Not that he wanted Nick
hurt.  But he wanted to feel needed.  He wanted Nick's
touch to scream "need" for him.  He wanted someone to
depend on him again.  And most of all Kevin wanted Nick in
his arms.  He wanted to soothe Nick, big and comfortable
and golden, and Kevin would make everything better and then
they would fall asleep, Nick's chin pressed into the crook
of Kevin's neck, his eyes closes, long full lashes splayed
across ivory cheeks.  Kevin had long ago stopped denying to
himself that he had feelings for Nick.  At first he felt
dirty.  A pedophile.  But Nick wasn't a child anymore.
More and more often that fact became painfully clear.

Like now, when Nick was lying with his head in Howie's lap,
sprawled out across the couch, looking up at Howie with
large blue eyes that plainly said, "I adore you.  Notice
me."  His hand was running through Howie's hair, almost
petting Howie.  Kevin felt a stab of jealousy and an
absence in his own lap.  He pretended that it was because
he missed Kristin.  And he didn't have to pretend hard.  He
did miss her.  But at that moment he missed Nick.  He
wanted Nick.

Brian and AJ were playing cards, waiting for someone to
come into the private lounge and tell them that it was time
to board.  Kevin watched it all, pretending to pay equal
attention to all of his boys.  But his eyes always strayed
back to Nick and Howie.

And then Howie was looking around nervously.  Kevin glanced
away quickly.  Kevin fidgeted in his seat, eager not to
meet Howie's gaze, but his eyes were soon drawn back to his
friends, and Howie wasn't looking around anymore.

Howie was leaning over, leaning over Nick.  Nick's hands
were still buried in Howie's hair, and Nick was making a
small needy noise.  Kevin had never heard Nick make a sound
like that before.  He didn't think he had ever heard such a
sound from anyone.  He wanted to hear it again.  He wanted
to hear that for him.  But he wouldn't.  Because Howie was
kissing Nick.  He was kissing Nick tentatively, thoroughly,
and beautifully.  So beautifully.

It was then that Kevin realized that he had been mistaken.
Howie wasn't oblivious at all.