CHAPTER 33 -
He didn't wake up just because he didn't sleep that night.
Nine o'clock the sun was shining outside the closed windows of his room. But Nick Carter didn't even know what time it was. What difference did it make anyway? His life was over. His biggest fear had come true. He lost Brian. And Brian was everything he had in this world.
Nick loved his family, but never a hug made him feel so safe as when Brian hugged him. Nick loved his friends, but never a friend had known him so deeply as Brian. Nick loved life, but what was life without Brian's love?
He thought he had cried enough during that night. But he proved himself to be wrong. When he realized for the first time his position on bed was getting uncomfortable, Nick's eyes watered and he heard again that melody that played all night long. As Long As You Love Me.
He cried like a child. He was sobbing weakly. The dark bedroom being the reflection of his soul. Where was Brian now? Where the fuck was Brian now to take him in his arms?
"For heaven's sake tell me this was only a nightmare!!!" - Nick cried out loud to himself.
As the minutes passed by the silence went on. There was no one there to reply to him. This made Nick cry harder. He cried because he would have to stand up and go on living, and right now he didn't want to do this. He just wanted Brian, but yesterday Brian had died to him. In a few seconds Brian took away the hopes, he destroyed a love, he tore up a heart that had taken years to learn how to love. That had given himself completely.
What would he do now? Who cared about his career? Who cared about his money? The best thing that had ever happened to him was gone. Brian was the only thing he needed to be happy. If he had to live under a bridge with Brian's arms around him it would be heaven. Just what would he do with his life now? How was he supposed to take the pieces and carry on? He didn't even know where were the pieces of his heart!
Nick rubbed his eyes. His hot tears making his eyes burn. They were red and swollen. Nick felt his whole face was bigger. His heart was aching. He reached out his hand to once again massage the skin on his chest, right above his heart. He tried desperately to relieve the pressure coming from inside. He never really thought a heart could ache like that. He couldn't think anymore. That night and that day Nick cried for his entire life.
Slowly he turned around and changed tracks to 10.000 promises. Everything reminded him of Brian. What about your... your ten thousand promises that you made to me...? Once we were lovers just lovers we were... oh... you and I... what a lie.
Nick buried his head into the sheets and whimpered in a low whine.
"I want Brian!" - he cried like a baby. - "I want Frick!"
It didn't matter he was being ridiculous. He had learned, Brian taught him nothing else mattered, what the other would think about you as long as you were happy. He didn't care if he was being a cry baby. His heart was broken. His dreams were taken away. And Brian told him he never loved him. How could he...? Not only as a lover, but how could he cheat on him like that as a friend? Making him believe, making him fall... Nick had never been in love so badly. He had NEVER been in love at all. What would he do now? Where to start? How to stand up?
Brian was with Leighanne. Happy with her. Miles away. Making love twenty four-seven. Not even remembering he has a friend, he had a lover that was now crying his heart and soul. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair how Brian had gotten to him. Nick wasn't gay, but Brian and him had created something special. They had crossed the reasonable lines in this world and shared a love beyond any kind of conception. They didn't like men but they feel in love. It was never easy to explain how they were everything together.
Nothing could explain it! No one in this world would ever understand what happened between them. They didn't see it coming. If Nick could go back on time now... Maybe the very first day they kissed it was already too late. Maybe it was really meant to happen.
Brian was his home. And now Nick was lost. He couldn't bear losing a friend and a lover at the same time. His soul was divided in two parts, without Brian he wasn't complete. He couldn't see himself without the mirror in Brian's eyes. He couldn't feel his heart if Brian's wasn't beating for him.
Nick stared at the ceiling.
If you take away the loving arms that surround me... then I might break down and cry just like a child... I hope you understand there is a broken heart that lies within your hands.
Nick rolled on the bed and changed the track again. He wiped his tears and froze hearing that voice. It was so, but so sweet that it melt in his heart. How many times had him heard that voice? Poking fun at him...
When you really really love someone am I right when I say that you want them near?
... whispering words to give him strength when he was down...
But just when you think you can trust that someone in love... Tell my why? How do you know, stars can fall from above?
... telling him the deepest words, confessing a love that made his life meaningful...
Coz you made promises that you couldn't keep.
... that voice making him feel safe when he had a nightmare, showing everything was fine because his warmth could make his fears go away...
But you're not hurting yourself, you're only hurting me.
... that melody coming from his mouth. Brian's mouth. That sweet, low voice that has always gotten through him...
Why would you say things you didn't really mean?
... the same voice that took his hopes away yesterday. The same person, the same eyes and the smooth sound coming from those lips. He never loved him...
Oh, how can I make you see just what you did to me?
Nick couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe his little perfect would had ruined in so little time. A few seconds when Brian welcomed him to his wedding. A couple of hours while he married Leighanne Wallace. A few more seconds when he confessed Nick his mind confusion that caused him to feel something that had never really existed.
What was time anyway? He couldn't tell.
He didn't even know it was lunch time when AJ knocked on his door.
"Nick?!"
He heard the screams coming from a different planet.
No, he wouldn't stand up and get it. He was dead. He couldn't walk, he couldn't talk, he couldn't feel. He was empty. The only feeling inside him was pain. And that pain was too much. He didn't want to see the sun rise. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He wanted to be alone forever until Brian came back to him. He wanted to die waiting for something that broke yesterday. He wanted to die waiting for his love.
A long time passed when he heard that again.
"Nick Carter if you don't open the godamn door I'll be forcing it, did you hear?!!"
Nick turned off the radio and got up. At first he had to stop, his legs were weak. It was when he realized he hadn't eaten anything for... how long? A day? Yes... but what was a day anyway? He never wanted to eat, to drink, to laugh, to live again.
"I'm coming!" - Nick said, his voice husky from the convulsively way he cried during several hours.
He tried to see tings around him but his eyes would barely open. He didn't have to look at his face in a mirror to know he looked like shit. But to say the truth he didn't give a damn.
"What you want, AJ?" - Nick asked almost in a whisper.
AJ was baffled when he saw Nick's face. He made his way inside his room with wide opened eyes.
"Nick! Nick what happened to you? You don't look good man."
"I was sleeping. I've just waken up." - Nick said. His voice was so low he himself couldn't hear it.
"I was beginning to worry about you. Howie and I were gonna ask you to come out to have lunch with us."
"No thanks. I've already eaten." - Nick said.
"What did you eat?" - AJ asked not believing.
"I'm not hungry." - Nick replied. - "Why don't you guys go by yourselves?"
He so wasn't in the mood to see the sun.
"We didn't want to leave you alone. Kevin is out with Kristin and Brian, ya know..." - AJ smiled widely. - "Brian is with his wife in honeymoon."
He couldn't help it. He was weak, so weak that hearing those words broke him down without even giving him time to try and play a part.
Nick feel to his knees sobbing, his head buried in his hands and his body shaking, crying loudly.
AJ was in shock staring at him.
"Nick..." - he called softly.
"I wanna die!" - a growl escaped Nick's throat and he felt again the warm water running down his cheeks. His skin was getting sore.
"Oh, God..." - AJ rustled falling to his knees in front of Nick. - "Come here, man..."
AJ pulled Nick's head and body slowly to him and made the blond cuddle to him. Nick responded the gesture gripping AJ's shirt and burying his head into his chest, crying, crying and crying.
"Aw... whats wrong, buddy? Huh? What happened Nick?" - AJ had never actually gone through this of having to comfort someone in Nick's state.
His heart was broken seeing his younger brother like that! He softly stroke Nick's hair.
"J! It hurts! I hurts so bad! I wanna go home!" - Nick cried, his nose running, his tears wetting AJ's shirt.
"What happened Nick? Does it have something to do with Brian?"
AJ thought kind of knew why Nick was like this, but he would never dare to ask.
"No! It has to do with me missing my family. And losing a friend..." - Nick didn't know whether or not he wanted to say the truth.
"What friend are you losing, Nick?"
"Brian! He is married now, he won't need me anymore. And my family is always so far, I grew up away from them and now I wonder if deep inside it was really worth it..."
Nick's sobs calmed down. He was feeling stupid. The reasons he was giving AJ didn't justify to be breaking down like that.
"Nick, we all go through missing our family. Its a part of the job. Think of the amazing life you could give your parents and brother and sisters! Think of all the fans that love us, that love you! Think of all the people you met through Backstreet!"
Nick pulled away from their embrace and AJ wiped his tears away. None of them knew this more human side of each other. AJ had never seen Nick so down and Nick had never seen AJ so supportive. It reminded him of when he told him he was in love with someone. AJ understood completely what he meant, every single word of it. It made him realize no one really knew AJ. He could be a freak, a crazy dude, but deep inside he was much more sensitive than most people. He had gone through things that they would never know.
Nick sat on the floor and leaned against the couch.
"And about Brian..." - AJ went on. - "He is your best friend, Nick. He will always need you! I've never seen best friends so close as you two!"
Nick chewed on his lower lip and a single tear ran down his cheek.
"Don't even start it, man! He married Leighanne, big deal! Its just something else he'll have to share his time with. But you'll always be in his heart, Brian will always love you..."
Nick wanted AJ to stop talking. His friend didn't know what those words were doing to him. They were breaking Nick even more.
"Thank you." - he said. - "Thanks AJ. You are right. I don't know why I broke down like that."
"Thats ok, Nick. Sometimes its just so much pressure that it has to come out in one way or another, right?"
Nick nodded and smiled. For a brief moment he actually felt better.
AJ stood up.
"So, you coming with us, Nick?"
"Uh, no... I'm sorry, J. I just wanna think of what you said. I just need to... to figure some stuff out. I need to cry everything I have inside." - Nick smiled and AJ smiled back, understanding.
"I'm concerned about you, dude."
"Don't be. Hey, I promise I'll join you guys at night, ok?"
"Ok! Closed deal!" - AJ laughed.
Nick laughed slightly and stood up too to open the door for him.
"Bye AJ."
"Bye. See ya at night."
"See ya." - Nick said and closed the door.
Nick went back to his room and lay on the bed again. He had done nothing but he was tired anyway. No, he didn't want to eat. He wanted to suffer what Brian put him through.
"Brian... Brian..." - Nick stared at the ceiling, the radio playing one of his favorite CDs, Nine Lives by Aerosmith.
Yeah, there is a whole in my soul. But one thing I've learned. For every love letter written, there is another one burned. So you tell me how its gonna be this time. Is it over? Is it over? Coz I'm blowin' out the flame.
"Brian... Brian..."
How could he explain to anyone how much that name meant to him?
When he met Brian he was thirteen. Brian was eighteen. Dear heaven, how could they have predicted it? How did this happen? Why did this happen? Why the hell Brian had to be his other half?
Nick cried because Brian never loved him the way he did. Nick cried not because he was a fool, but because he meant everything he said. He didn't cry for having been used, he cried because he gave himself in. No, he didn't cry because he was broken, he cried because Brian didn't feel the same.
Nick reached out his hand to the radio. He didn't want to do anything besides lying on that bed and hearing songs. He didn't have the strength to do anything besides crying. He didn't want to explain himself to anyone. He couldn't... he couldn't explain himself to himself. He couldn't understand what he felt. Because it was too big. Was love like this for all the people? Was he the only one that ever suffered like this? Oh, Nick wanted to know if someone had ever loved so bad. He wanted to know how did they survive after falling in love.
I don't wanna close my eyes. I don't wanna fall asleep. Coz I'd miss you baby, and I don't wanna miss a thing.
The minutes passed. Sometimes he felt so calm, so peaceful. He even wondered why he was crying. But then that voice. That smile. Those eyes. And Nick cried all over again. Trying desperately to find the pieces of his heart so that he could open the windows and face life. But right now there was no life.
"Where is Brian?" - Nick sobbed. - "He said he would be always there for me! Fucking always there! And where is he now? Now that I need, where... the... hell... is him?" - Nick cried, his body shaking with his sobs.
He was tired of crying. His skin burned with the hot tears. His eyes swollen and red, but he couldn't help it. He would cry until he could find his way back home.
He would cry until he could find his way back to Brian's arms.
He would cry forever.
as you probably noticed, I'm not sending chapters to nifty anymore. I think. Its worthless my passion. Its a waste of time. To those reading I'm sorry but I got tired, I had no idea there was someone reading. If you still wanna read this story and other slashes by me my site is:
www.fricknfrackslash.hpg.com.br this story is there. :o)