Date: Wed, 1 Aug 2001 18:19:02 -0400 From: musicfan Subject: Where Do We Go 25 Disclaimer: If you've gotten this far, you know that it is the twenty fifth chapter in an on-going series. At the risk of repeating myself, I have neither relationship with either Stephen Gately or Eloy de Jong, nor the groups Boyzone or Caught in the Act. This story is a complete work of fiction and purely created within the writer's imagination. I have been enjoying the comments I have been getting and would love to hear what you think. Please write. Cheers, Musicfan ### As a week went by and followed into another week in the studio without any more talk of working out the schedule, Stephen got antsier. The other guys seemed content to let Louis deal with it, which was all well and good except for the fact he wasn't dealing with it. When Stephen tried to broach the subject, he was brushed off time and again. And now Louis wasn't even hanging around the studio anymore as he planned whatever other rabbit he had up his sleeve. Stephen was getting pretty frustrated and it was showing in his work at the studio. "Look Stephen, why don't you sit this one out for a while? Obviously your head is somewhere else right now," Phil said with a sigh. "I'm going to work with Ro on one of his numbers. Go to the lounge and take a break for a bit, all right?" He patted Stephen on the shoulder and walked into the other room where Ro had drifted off to while Phil had been working with Stephen. He was left alone in the room. It had been just him and Ro the last day or so, working on some lead vocals for the songs. And he knew Phil was right. His head really wasn't in the studio at all. He was a bit upset with the way things were going. He hadn't been sleeping well at all, despite his nightly chats with Eloy. They had even tried not talking one night to see if that helped him sleep any better, but it hadn't really made a difference. He still found himself staring up at the ceiling each night, worrying over the future. Sighing, he walked out of the studio and wandered aimlessly down the halls to the back lot. He left through the door at the end and sat down on the stoop. Resting his chin in his hand, he stared down at the step in front of him. His mind went blank and he just stared at the ants crawling along the top of the step. After a while of sitting there he picked up a stick that was lying around and drew circles in the dirt and he watched the ants following the furrows he was making. He was vaguely aware of time passing since the shadow of the building stretched further away from where he sat, but it was so nice not thinking about anything for a change. "Hey," a voice called behind him. He jerked, startled, and looked around to see Ronan standing in the doorway. He kind of had the feeling that Ro had been leaning against the doorframe for some time from the way he was looking at him. "Hey," he said as he turned back around. He heard a creak as Ro let the door close. Ronan sat down on the stoop beside him and leaned back on his hands. He stretched his legs out with a sigh. "Phil said he told you to take a break for a while," Ro said. He cocked his head to one side as he looked at Stephen. Stephen was hunched over, drawing with a stick in the dirt on the step below him. He obviously wanted to be alone, but Ronan thought that was probably the one thing he shouldn't allow. He had known that Stephen was drifting into a funk. He had been blowing lines in the songs, showing up late in the mornings, not hanging around in the evenings, and acting moodier than usual. And while Ronan firmly believed that sometimes it was a good idea to have a sulk occasionally, when it began to effect the group he had to draw a line. Stephen shrugged. Ro stifled a sigh. He almost didn't want to deal with Steo with the way he was acting, but he knew they had to talk or it was going to get worse. "Stephen, what's wrong?" "Nothing," Stephen said softly. "What could possibly be wrong?" "That's what I'd like to know," Ronan said. "Something has to be, or you wouldn't be sitting on the stoop here while I'm working inside. C'mon Steo, this is me. Talk to me, please." Stephen shrugged again, but didn't look up. "Don't know what it is." His tone said otherwise. Ro sat up and brushed his hair back with one hand. In the three years they had been together as a group, he had come to know Stephen rather well. He knew that he couldn't possibly understand some things, but he certainly wasn't going to let his friend sit there and wallow in whatever it was. "C'mon, let's go for a drink." Stephen nodded and got up. He brushed his jeans off and tossed the stick away as he turned to go in. Ro's eyes narrowed as he took in the listless way Stephen moved. By the time they had gotten out of the studio, he had changed his mind and had Ben take them back to the hotel. Stephen didn't seem to be paying much attention to where they were going. He followed Ro into the hotel and up to the fourth floor without saying much of anything at all. Ro led him into his hotel room and closed the door behind them. Stephen finally noticed where they were. The room pretty much mirrored his, except that the layout was reversed. He sat down on the sofa and accepted the lager that Ro handed him from the fridge. "Ah," Ro said as he sat down on the other end of the sofa and opened his own bottle. He took a long pull before shifting around to watch Stephen. Stephen hadn't moved, other than to start peeling the label from the side of the bottle. He kept his eyes down. "I needed that. How about you?" He watched as Stephen nodded. He felt a bit annoyed but pushed it to the back with a bit of effort. "Hungry?" "Not really," Stephen said. He finally looked up from the bottle and glanced at Ronan sitting on the other end of the sofa. He was sprawled against the corner with one leg up on the cushion between them. "Listen, I'm a bit tired. I think I'm going to my room to lie down for a bit." Ro put out a hand as he started to get up. "No, Stephen. Please don't go. I think we need to talk." Stephen sat poised on the edge of the sofa and looked at Ro. "Talk about what?" "About what's bothering you," Ro replied as he met Stephen's gaze. Stephen was the first to drop his eyes after an awkward pause. "And don't tell me there isn't anything, because that's bull, Steo. This is me you're talking to, okay? I know something is bothering you." Stephen stared down at his hands around the bottle. He wondered if he should even bother. He looked up again and saw that Ro was still waiting for an answer. He looked back down again. Perhaps it was worth a try. If he got Ro on his side, perhaps he would talk to Louis. "Yeah, I suppose it is. Ro have you ever felt like you're just spinning your wheels?" He looked up at Ro and stared at his face. "And there's nothing you can do to change it?" "Yeah, I know what that's like." Ro said softly, his voice barely carrying across the sofa to Stephen. "Tell me what it is." He watched as Stephen struggled to get out what he wanted to talk about, but had been holding inside for a while. Then a thought occurred to him. "Is this something to do with your friend? You didn't have a fallout or something?" He felt like he was fishing, but Stephen was acting so differently from the last time they had talked when they had had that dinner, that he wondered if that was the problem. Stephen seemed startled. "What? No! No, nothing wrong with that." He smiled sheepishly as he realized what Ro had been thinking. "No, everything's all right there. Thank God. But it is part of the problem." He sucked on the neck of the bottle, drinking to give himself time to organize his thoughts. Ro waited patiently. Now that Stephen was started, he knew that together they'd get it straightened out, whatever it was. "You know what the problem is?" He asked Ro after he had swallowed. "The fact that I haven't been able to do more than talk to him on the phone for the past two weeks. I really thought that Louis was going to set something up where we could plan some time off. I need to know when that's going to happen, Ro. I need to know when I can make plans. It wasn't like I was expecting something to happen right away, but it would help to be able to know that I can look forward to a point where we can see each other again. I keep on thinking about it, and him, and the fact that we're apart with no sign in sight for when we can see each other again. And Louis is being an arse about it all and blowing us off." It all began to make sense to Ronan. He knew what it was like to get hit over the head when you fell in love with someone. And he remembered how he was pretty desperate to see more of Yvonne any chance he could get. Keith's girlfriend, Lisa had just come over this past weekend, and he himself had gone out to dinner with Yvonne just last night. It must be hard for Stephen, not being able to be with his fella. The annoyance he felt about the way Steo had been acting this past week melted away when he saw how frustrated Stephen was feeling. "Ah shite, Steo. I'm sorry. You know, I don't think any of us realised how important it was to you. And I'm sure that Louis isn't blowing you off. He's just busy setting up the next scam is all." Ro resolved to talk to Louis about it, though. While the rest of the lads could let things drift a bit, Steo needed it more than they did. "I know," Stephen said quietly. "And I'm sorry that I'm dropping the ball that way I have been. No," he pushed on when Ro moved to interrupt him. "Phil was right today. I'm useless in the studio right now. I haven't been sleeping too well lately. And most of it is this uncertainty about everything." He took another sip from his lager in an effort to shut himself up and stem the tide before he began just blabbing everything to Ro. Ro certainly didn't need to shoulder his problems. Ro saw right through what he was doing, though. He watched Stephen intently, noticing his nervous hand movements on the bottle. And he wasn't going to let Stephen just bury the whole thing. Not with what he just said. "Tell me about him." "What?" Stephen asked, surprised by Ro's question. "Tell me about him. I'd like to know." Ro said simply. Stephen looked at him for a couple of minutes while he inwardly debated. After a mental shrug, he let out a sigh and slumped back against the sofa. "Well, I think you might be a bit surprised," he said as he glanced out the corner of his eye at his mate. "Will I, now?" Ro asked, slightly amused. "Why's that?" "Because you know him. Well, met him, at least." Stephen said, grinning shyly. His smile grew as Ro stared at him. "I do?" Ro asked, trying to think of who it might be. "Someone I've met..." He mused. He shrugged in the face of Stephen's grin. "Don't have a clue." "His name is Eloy," Stephen said as he watched for Ro's reaction. He wasn't disappointed. "From that German group?" Ro asked, a grin spreading across his face. "You devil!" He started to laugh as he got a mental image of the two of them standing side by side. "He's the tall one, right?" "Yeah, that's the one. Though they're really from Holland," Stephen said. "Was he the one you got together with during the tour?" Ro asked, thinking back to that day in Edinburgh in the dressing room with the rest of the lads. When Stephen nodded, he laughed again. "And you kept him under wraps all this time?" "Well, not exactly." Stephen said with a wry grin. He felt a bit better as he talked to Ro about it all. He brought Ronan up to date on how they had gotten together in France and then had kept in touch, and then skimmed lightly over the details of their time together in London a couple of weeks ago. They went through a few ales in the process before he wound down. "So," he said with a sigh. "That's where we are. With me here in London and him in Amsterdam. And soon his group will be doing a lot of promotion to push their album, which is coming out in a few weeks. He's already gotten pretty busy with some stuff locally. But once they start promoting, I don't know when we're going to be able to get together again. I just want a weekend. Just a couple of days to be together. Is that too much to ask?" He asked wistfully. "No," Ro said. By this time, the two of them had kicked off their sneakers and were leaning against each other on the sofa with the empty bottles lined up in front of them. Ro had his arm thrown around Stephen's shoulder and he patted it. "Not at all. You want to be together. I can understand that perfectly." "Yeah, just wished Louis did, too." Stephen said glumly. "Christ, he'd shite himself if he knew I was involved with someone." "Well, it's not really his business, it is?" Ro asked reasonably. "Not that I think you necessarily need to hide anything. It's the 90's Steo. Anything goes these days." "The hell it does!" Stephen exclaimed. "Oh, don't give me nightmares, Ro! I don't even want to think about a time when someone finds out. That would be the end of everything." "You're wrong there, brother." Ro said. "You'd be surprised at what people accept." "No, I'm not ready for that. Don't think I ever will be," Stephen said. "Hopefully it will be so far off that I won't ever have to worry about it." "I have a feeling you're wrong about that, but don't worry about it now. You worry too much." Ro said. He looked at his watch blearily. "What time is it?" He could feel Steo shrug. Neither of them really cared. Ro then had a thought. "Hey, why wait for Louis?" He asked. "Huh?" Stephen asked, turning to stare at Ro. "What do you mean? You mean to set something up ourselves?" "Yeah," Ro said, getting excited. "We're adults. We can talk to everyone and set up a break for ourselves without even talking to Louis. If we want a break, dammit, we take a break! How's that?" Stephen started to giggle as he watched Ro slam his fist down. Ro missed the arm of the sofa and bounced against the cushion. "Hey Ro?" "Yeah?" Ro asked as he turned to look at his friend. "I think we're pissed." Stephen giggled some more and Ro joined in with him. "You think?" Ro asked with a giggle of his own. He tried to look at his watch again, but the numbers seemed too fuzzy for him to focus on. "And we haven't eaten anything. Should we bother?" Stephen shrugged. "Not really hungry. But I'm a bit bushed. I might just call it a night." Ro nodded, but stopped himself when his head began to spin. "Yeah, good idea. Want to crash here?" Stephen seemed to think about it for a moment. "Nah, I want to give E a call. Tell him we're going to plan something tomorrow. Okay?" "Yeah fine," Ro said. He carefully placed his last bottle at the end of the line on the coffee table. "You going to be all right going back?" "Sure, it's just down the hall a bit." Stephen said. He sat up and waited for the room to stop shifting around. He wasn't feeling too bad, actually. "Hey Ro?" "Yeah?" "Thanks," Stephen said as he turned. "Thanks for being here for me." "Anytime, m'friend." Ro said. He opened his arms for a hug and Stephen wrapped his arms around him. "Just remember you don't have to hold everything in, okay? I'm here, if you ever need to talk." Stephen gave Ro a hard hug before pulling back. "Yeah, I know. Sometimes I'm just a bit thick about it, is all." He gave Ro a wry smile. "Thanks." "Go on with you," Ro said as he patted Stephen on the back. "Go call your fella." He was happy to see the smile on Stephen's face again. And he was glad that he had been able to help his friend out. He knew that Stephen was always ready to help him when he needed. "Go." Stephen nodded and leaned forward to give Ro a kiss on the cheek. "Thanks." He got up a bit unsteadily and giggled again. "On my way." "Don't fall into any walls on the way out," Ro called as Stephen entered the hall. Stephen chuckled as the door closed behind him. He blinked in the dim light of the hall and leaned against the wall as he made his way to his room. When he finally got to the right door, he had to fish about for his key. Finally finding it in a back pocket, he got the door opened and slipped inside. He tossed the key onto the bed and headed to the window. Opening it wide, he stuck his head out. It was raining and the drops falling on his face felt good. He didn't know how long he stood there, but eventually he pulled himself back in, closed the drapes and moved over to the bed. After stripping out of his clothes, he picked up his mobile and punched the speed dial. He sprawled across the bed and stared up at the ceiling while he waited for Eloy to pick up. "Hallo?" Eloy answered. "Hey, it's me." Stephen said. He closed his eyes and tried to picture Eloy sitting in his apartment. He let the mobile lie next to his face as he wrapped his arms around himself. He ached with the need to see and touch Eloy. In some ways, it was much worse than it had before they had admitted how they felt for each other. "Hey, Zusje!" Eloy's voice perked up as he heard Stephen's voice. He had been stretched out on the sofa with the tv on, though he had been reading a book and just had kept the tv on as background noise. He rested the book in his lap, pulled his glasses off and put them on the page to mark his spot. "How are you?" "Better," Stephen said. "Ja? How'd your day go?" Eloy leaned his head back against the cushion and rolled his head from side to side to get the kinks out. "My day was pretty awful, actually." Stephen admitted. "Being in the studio today was a complete waste of time." Eloy was concerned with the way Stephen was talking. "Is it because it's just not clicking right now, or because you just haven't been sleeping well?" "It's everything, Eloy. I've been getting so damn frustrated, I just wonder why the hell I'm bothering. But it's okay, I'm feeling better now." "You are?" Eloy asked doubtfully. From what Stephen had just said, it didn't sound like he was feeling better. "Yeah, actually I am." Stephen said. "Ro thrashed the truth out of me and we talked it out." He laughed ruefully. "Got the story about you out of me, too." Eloy blinked. "And?" "He thinks we shouldn't wait for Louis anymore, and together, we're going to plan our own break. They don't like it, they can lump it." Stephen said. "You think that's a good idea?" Eloy asked. He could already feel that Stephen was feeling a lot more positive about things than he had for a couple of weeks now. "Why not?" Stephen asked. He pushed his hair back off his face. Droplets of rainwater soaked the coverlet below him. "You know, I'm not waiting anymore, E. I've been patient. I've asked. I've gotten blown off. Why not take it into our own hands?" "What about the rest of the lads?" Eloy asked. "I'm sure they'd be up for it. Though to be honest, they're not feeling what we are. Ro had his girl out here this week and Lisa was out here last weekend to see Keith. They're getting their breaks just by being able to see their gals. It's not like we have that same luxury." Stephen said. "Ro sees it my way. He felt pretty bad about not realizing how much it was bothering me. Not that he should, but it is sweet of him, anyhow." "Ja, it is. You've got a good friend there." Eloy said. "So tomorrow, you talk about it and make some plans?" He felt a ray of hope at the thought. The last couple of weeks had been pretty miserable for both of them and the thought of them finally spending some time together felt great. "Yup," Stephen said, happy to share his news. "It's about time. As Ro said, we're adults, we can make our own plans. And we're basically done with what we're going to do here. So from here we end up going on to whatever else Louis has lined up." "Goed. Please call as soon as you know, okay? Then I can make plans on this end." Eloy started to think about the upcoming weeks and how he was going to work that out. At this point, he didn't care how he did it, he'd make time. "Yeah, I will." Stephen promised. "First chance I get." He laughed again. It was like a weight had been lifted with his talk tonight with Ronan. It had really been hanging over him the last couple of weeks. "It's good to hear you happy, liefste." Eloy said with a laugh of his own. "I've missed your laugh." "I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to bring you down with this. It's just that it's been so damn hard." Stephen said. He felt a lump in his throat as he thought of the past few weeks. "No, it's okay. We share everything, right?" Eloy said. "Yeah," Stephen agreed. "Everything. Thanks for being so patient, Eloy. Knowing you're there every night, even when you can't be here, has helped a lot." He swallowed. "That's what it's all about hon. Being there for each other. You're not alone, Stephen. You've got me. Always," Eloy promised. They both sat in silence for a moment as they got lost in their individual thoughts. "Now, up for talking dirty?" He asked mischievously, trying to keep things light. "Eloy, I'm trying to avoid being frustrated, not making myself worse!" Stephen protested with a laugh. "You talking dirty to me is the worst kind of tease I can think of!" "Not if you handle it right," Eloy said with a soft growl. He loved teasing Stephen and hearing him laugh. He felt a warm glow and began to share Stephen's hopefulness. "Just put your hand down your..." "Eloy!" Stephen protested. "Behave!" "I don't want to," Eloy said sulkily. He was holding back a chuckle and finally had to stifle himself with one of the pillows on the sofa. "You brat," Stephen accused affectionately. "I don't know what gets into you sometimes. What the heck did you do before London, huh? Prank call people?" He flashed on a vision of Eloy making obscene phone calls from his apartment and curled up on the bed as he laughed at the thought. He didn't notice the pause on the other end while Eloy tried to sort himself out before responding. "Well, you know, when you're desperate there are always those sex lines," Eloy said when he thought he could get it out without laughing. This time he had to bite into the cushion to muffle his laugh. "Oh, sweet Jaysus!" Stephen exclaimed. "I can't even begin to imagine!" He knew Eloy was teasing, but the idea still kind of shocked him. Just thinking of calling some stranger and talking like that was a bit much for him. Hell, he couldn't even do it with Eloy, he thought wryly. He couldn't imagine it with some stranger. "Stephen, it's really quite simple. First you dial this number," Eloy began with a laugh. It got to be too much and the two of them burst into laughter together. "You are too much," Stephen said as their giggles died down. "Something else." "Ja, that's what they tell me," Eloy said. "Wait a minute!" Stephen exclaimed. "Who's they? Are you holding out on me or something?" He accused. "Well, ja, I have to admit I am," Eloy said, trying to keep his voice contrite. He had a hard time doing it, because the silliness of the conversation was getting to him and he wanted to laugh again. "When I was talking about calling those sex lines, I never told you I was the one they called." "Oh really?" Stephen replied. That gave him another vision of Eloy lying in his bedroom on satin sheets like a concubine waiting for someone to call. "Is this a special line?" "Ja, it is," Eloy said. "It gets charged by the second." "The second?" Stephen asked in disbelief. "Boy, you must be expensive! And you actually get people calling you?" "Hey!" Eloy shouted. "Are you implying I'm not worth every second?" Stephen laughed. "I'm implying no such thing! I'm just trying to figure out how it works." "Ja, they're happy to pay the charges. Of course, I'm so good, it doesn't take them very long." Eloy boasted. He heard some sort of odd noise on the other end and frowned until he realized that Stephen was wheezing too hard to reply. It felt so good to hear him laughing. "Stephen? Stephen... you're not talking to me anymore. Did I shock you?" "What?" Stephen gasped out. His sides were beginning to hurt and he clutched his arms around his middle. "Stephen, I'm serious now," Eloy said, trying to keep his voice steady. "I have a very important question to ask you." Stephen panted for a moment trying to get himself under control before he replied. He couldn't tell if Eloy had really gotten serious on him or not. "Yeah, what's that?" "Do you still respect me as a man?" Eloy asked before he had to stuff the throw pillow back into his mouth. His shoulders shook with suppressed laughter. A gasp from Stephen was his only response. Finally after a few minutes of silence when Eloy began to wonder what was really going on at Stephen's end, he heard another gasp. "Stephen?" He asked, beginning to get concerned. "You okay?" "I," Stephen gasped out. "Can't. Breathe." There was a pause between each word as he struggled to get them out. "Hold.. on." He rolled away from the phone for a minute while he tried to get his breath back. He would start to calm himself down when he thought about it again and it would set him off in a fit of giggles again. "Sorry!" He gasped out again. It seemed like ages passed for Eloy before Stephen finally came back to the phone. "Okay," he said shakily. "I'm back." "Are you all right?" Eloy asked, a bit worried at Stephen's response. "Yeah. Just don't do that to me again. I don't think I could take another giggle fit like that again," Stephen said. "Oh God! My side aches." "I'm sorry," Eloy apologised. "I didn't think that was going to set you off like that." "Yeah, well, it just struck me funny. Oh man, I gotta go pee." Stephen complained. He rolled off the bed and took his mobile into the bathroom with him. He sat down on the toilet with a sigh. "Oh, I hurt." "Are you going to be all right?" Eloy asked. He had knocked his book off his lap while they had been goofing off and he just noticed it now. "Yeah, I'll be fine. I haven't laughed like that in ages," Stephen said as he finished up and washed his hands. "Thank you baby. That was very funny." "Well, didn't think it was going to be that funny," Eloy said with a chuckle. "The last thing I want to do is be responsible for an injury." "Almost, baby." Stephen said. He went back over to the bed and sat down. As he pulled off his watch, he glanced at the time. "Jaysus, do you know how late it is?" Eloy looked over to the mantle clock and saw that it was past 3 am. "Ja, I do. And you have to get up early again, don't you?" Stephen sighed. "Yeah, but that's okay. I think this time I'm actually tired enough to sleep." He dropped back onto the bed. "Ja?" Eloy asked hopefully. As much as he worried about Stephen, one thing he hadn't had a problem with on his end was sleeping. He had enough frustration worrying about Stephen, though. "Yeah," Stephen said around a yawn. "Baby, I should let you go. Thank you. What a great ending to my day." "I'm glad I was able to make you laugh, even if I did end up injuring you." Eloy said apologetically. "I hope you can sleep tonight." "I think I'm going to be okay." Stephen yawned again. "Okay, better go. I'll let you know what happens when I find out tomorrow, okay?" "Ja, okay. You sleep tight, liefste." Eloy said softly. "I worry about you sometimes." "Thank you, sweetie. You sleep tight, too. I love you," Stephen said softly. "I love you," Eloy said back. "More than you know. Sleep well, lover." "You too, lover." Stephen said with a smile. "I like the sound of that." "Ja, me too." Eloy replied. "Goed night." "Night," Stephen said as they rang off. He lay smiling up at the ceiling for a few moments before sitting back up. His side still ached from their earlier antics. He gently put the phone back on the nightstand before heading to the bathroom to clean up. Once he finished, he crawled back into the bed and pulled the duvet up over himself. He shut off the light and rolled away from the light coming through the drapes. Things were beginning to feel right again and he looked forward to making some plans in the morning with the rest of the lads. He sorted some details through his head and fell asleep, dreaming of boarding a plane to Amsterdam.