Date: Sun, 22 Apr 2018 00:23:23 -0700
From: christopher <breakingthroughstory@gmail.com>
Subject: Breaking Through 17

A very big thank you to all of the readers who have taken the time to send
kind messages for the story. I very much appreciate it. Please send any
feedback, complaints, and correspondence to breakingthroughstory@gmail.com.

The usual disclaimers apply. This is fiction.

Please donate to Nifty.  http://donate.nifty.org/donate.html.


Chapter 17

With past releases, Chris had some sort of pomp and circumstance. A
signing, maybe. A party, at least. Now that people bought books from the
internet, read them digitally, or plain didn't care, there was almost
nothing happening outside of a few full-page ads that Penguin had run in
the "New York Times," the "New York Review of Books," and the "L.A. Times."
If Chris wanted to celebrate, it looked like he'd have to plan a dinner on
his own.

And since it was the first time that Chris would be releasing an actual,
real-life book since they started seeing each other, Armie was
understandably excited. Movies were his thing and even when Chris was
involved in one, he didn't ever consider them to be his own project. As for
his regular contributions to literary magazines, those were submitted so
far in advance that Chris often forgot about them entirely before they were
published. Books, as staid and old-fashioned as they were considered, were
Chris' department. Armie insisted that they celebrate somehow. Something
had to happen. A low-key dinner for two wouldn't do a book release
justice. A low-key dinner for four was out of the question, too. As long as
there wasn't a step and repeat, Chris said, Armie could do whatever he
wanted.

"Ten years, six books," Armie said, not really speaking to anyone in
particular, since he was in the kitchen and Chris was on the patio, typing
away at his laptop. He was making sure that Penguin sent copies to his
fellow writers, to some prominent people in publishing, and just a few
friends he'd promised.

"It sounds like I'm a slacker if you say that," Chris said, not looking up
from his screen. "At least make me sound good. Also, this isn't some sort
of retrospective. I'm not dead. Don't be so serious."

'This is the best thing you've ever written,' Chris read silently. 'Don't
let them change anything big. I mean that.' Thanks for nothing, Chris
thought. Jake's compliments weren't constructive, even when they were
padding Chris' ego. Plus, it was too late now to change anything. The books
were printed. It had taken Jake weeks to respond. 'I can't wait to see the
final draft. Love reading things when I know I don't have to look for hints
of myself. That was fun the first time, but it got old fast.' There it
was. Chris kept reading: 'Seeing this new stuff has been amazing. This new
direction is exciting and I know that it will open you up to so many great
things.'

Chris wondered what Jake meant by "new direction." He instinctively reached
for his phone, but fought the urge. Jake had just sent the email a few
minutes ago. If he wanted to talk, he would have called. Sighing, Chris
tapped a simple reply instead. 'Thank you. Your thoughts mean so much to
me. I'm going to have a party for the book. Will get you more info when I
get it.'

"Love, Chris?" he said aloud. "XO, Chris. No. Sincerely, Chris. Ugh."

'Love, Chris.' Sent.

Chris looked into the house, at Armie rummaging through the fridge, taking
a few moments to look at his phone every so often, and then rifling through
the cabinets. He didn't know if there was a reorganization happening or if
Armie was just figuring out what to make for dinner.

"What if we just have a sit-down dinner at the Chateau Marmont? It's where
we met."

"It was the first place we made out, you mean," Chris said.

"It wasn't all I wanted to do, trust me."

"Honestly, can we just do it on the beach and hire a taco truck?"

"Christopher Lewis, of the people. Democratizing high culture with a food
truck."

"Yes. NPR darling goes lowbrow via street food. I'm serious. Make it fun."
Chris hated when Armie joked about his work being exclusionary. He made
sure that public libraries got copies of his books, he didn't want anyone
to feel like his writing was out of reach. Whether they wanted them or not,
libraries from coast to coast got a copy as soon as the books were
released. Chris wondered if any ever got sent back. If they did, Chris'
publishers never let him know about it. "You've got a while," Chris
noted. "Don't finalize anything yet."

"Got it."

"Can we have carnitas for dinner? For research."

"Let me get a jacket and...the neighbor," Armie said, his eyes darting up
over Chris' head to where Sebastian was approaching.

"Hey, Sebby," Chris said. "Long time, no see. How is Mr. Marvel Franchise
doing?"

"One, don't call me that. Two, I slept for two days straight. Three, I
heard you say something about carnitas."

"We're walking out to the boardwalk," Armie said. "You know that tiny place
with the aguas frescas in the window?"

"I'll treat us all to as many $2 tacos as we can eat," Sebastian said. "But
first, you guys have to tell me whether or not you're engaged. I keep
hearing about it."

"Definitely not," Chris said, a little too quickly for Armie's
liking. "Also, who is talking about it?" he added. "I don't have enough
friends to talk about anything."

"No such luck," Armie said as he slipped his jacket on. "Are we ready to
go?"

"Sorry about that," Chris said when they were a few blocks from the
house. "I didn't mean it like that." He gripped Armie's hand as they
walked, Sebastian a step in front of them on the narrow sidewalk.

"I know," Armie said. Chris couldn't tell what his expression was, thanks
to the sunglasses he was wearing, but it couldn't have been happy. "But I
really do want to know who's talking. I only told my parents that we were
even considering it."

"Don't worry about it," Chris said. "They've written worse things about the
two of us."

"You don't have to look at your time with Jake like a failure," Armie
said. He'd held the thought inside him for so long, he couldn't even
remember when he'd first wanted to say it. "I know that's how you're seeing
it, but it's not true."

"It's not," Chris started.

"Stop," Armie interrupted. "It is. And I think that's completely normal,
but I also think it's normal to move on."

"Let's not fight in front of the kids," Sebastian said, turning around to
face them and taking a few steps backward. "'Kids' being me and 'fight'
being an actual serious talk."

"I'm in love with Chris," Armie said. "I recognize what I had with
Elizabeth and I can say that it ran its course. I've learned from it."

"This is very therapy-heavy," Chris said. "It sounds like a 12-step for
getting over a breakup."

"It's from a relationship podcast," Armie said. "I listened to it when I
was going through the divorce. There was some actual therapy, too."

Chris was silent as they got closer to the actual beach part of Venice
Beach. It was amazing that this was just a short walk from the house, which
seemed completely secluded in its own residential enclave. Now, they walked
by souvenir shops, the hip coffee places Chris sat at with Sebastian after
their morning runs, and the different restaurants on Pacific
Avenue. Tourists kept to the boardwalk to get looks at Muscle Beach and the
graffiti at the skate park. Locals, at least in Chris and Armie's minds,
stayed one block away from the madness, popping into places that weren't on
TripAdvisor.

Armie and Chris sat at a table outside, the sun setting over the ocean
casting them both in a golden-hour glow. Sebastian went inside to order for
the three of them, hoping that the tension would dissipate by the time
tacos and watermelon juice entered the equation.

"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings," Chris said. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine," Armie said. "I know that we're both in this. I wouldn't have
stayed this long if I didn't want to be with you."

"Tacos, tacos, tacos," Sebastian said, setting down a tray of street
tacos. Armie divvied up the food and Chris tried to watch his face for any
sort of reaction. "You guys figure everything out?"

"Not exactly," Armie answered. He squeezed a wedge of lime over his plate
before tossing it into his drink. "But we will."

Chris was grateful to get food in front of him. It was a welcome
distraction from everything Armie was talking about. Sure, it was rational,
but it wasn't anything he wanted to discuss. He was content for things to
stay just like they were, but when he did let himself think about what it
would mean to Armie, he couldn't quite figure out what, if anything, would
change. The idea of losing the quiet bliss of having Armie with him was
frightening.

He nudged Armie's foot under the table. When Chris' eyes met blue, he
mouthed an 'I love you.'

"Give me some of those carrots," Sebastian said, motioning towards a bowl
of sliced radishes and pickled carrots. His hands were occupied with a
taco. Chris pushed the bowl towards him. There were a few tiny cups of
salsa and hot sauce on the table, everything getting passed back and forth
as the three of them ate, words muted by chewing.

"This really is the best," Sebastian said as he started on his second taco.

"No, this is the best," Chris said, motioning to the food and everything
around them. The smell of the ocean mixing with their food, the fact that
the three of them were together, and the sky fading from a blazing orange
to its nighttime blues and purples.

"You're the best, you cheese ball," Armie said.

"All it takes is Mexican food to make me forget about serious grown-up
business," Chris said, shrugging.

"Then I'll make Mexican every night," Armie said.

"Enough, enough," Sebastian said, already reaching for a third
helping. "More tacos, less talking."

Chris was drifting in and out of sleep, his head resting on Armie's chest
-- his hand lazily running over his hairy abs one moment and his body
pressed tightly against Armie's the next. Armie was reading, Chris saw
through hazy, half-lidded eyes and the morning light was still soft as it
streamed into their bedroom.

"You up for real this time?" Armie asked quietly, stroking Chris' hair with
his free hand.

Chris shook his head and tried his best to burrow his face deeper into
Armie's chest. The past few weeks had been a rush of frantic calls with his
editor and Armie's agent negotiating a deal with HBO for a directorial
project -- his first time going behind the scenes. The house was so full of
stress that Chris could barely remember to eat. Armie seemed to have his
phone permanently attached to his ear, doing his best to figure out exactly
what could happen if Debbie managed to negotiate something so huge. Was he
even ready to direct? Chris thought so. That was enough for Armie to press
forward.

"Good news or bad news?"

"No news," Armie said. Chris could hear a tinge of anxiety in Armie's
voice. He'd put together a proposal to direct an adaptation of something
that they'd heard on "This American Life," going as far as to send flowers
to the author of the short story and even invite her out to L.A. It took a
lot of time to convince her to sell the rights to her work -- though,
admittedly, a phone call from Chris did more good than any
sweet-talking. Advice from a writer who managed to make it big was more
valuable than a bouquet of magenta peonies. Armie was grateful for
that. He'd done everything he could to negotiate it, but all it took was
some face time with Chris.

"You got a message from Jake. He wanted to know what you got your niece for
her birthday."

"I'll call him," Chris mumbled.

"Do you want to get up?"

"No, no," Chris said. "You feel so good." Armie's finger traced along
Chris' ear, barely grazing the skin. His eyes darted back and forth, from
Chris' sleepy face to his phone, where he was scrolling through his email
and the morning's headlines.

"What do you think about working on the project with me? You never answered
me."

"You can't ask me that, I'm still sleeping."

"I need an answer. It'll help."

"You know the answer," Chris insisted. By now, he'd buried his face into
the crook of Armie's neck, doing his best to burrow and find some sort of
darkness. Armie rolled his eye and pulled Chris up so that he was actually
resting his head on his pillow. "I'm late for my run."

"You're the worst," Armie said.

"Of course I'll do it. I will do anything I can. I'll do it for free,
even. Who am I to deny you the Christopher curse?"

"Don't say that." Armie leaned down and kissed the top of Chris'
head. Chris gave Armie's stomach one last rub before he stretched and got
out of bed without another world. Run, coffee, breakfast: Armie knew how
the morning routine went. Chris didn't even look at his phone before any of
that. It was either discipline or ignorance. Armie didn't quite know.

"Love you," Chris said before kissing Armie's cheek and going to the
walk-in closet. Then, Armie heard the jangle of house keys, the quiet sound
of the front door shutting, and the house falling into a familiar silence.

Armie got out of bed a few moments later, sliding on last night's
underwear, which had managed to be tossed across the room, and a pair of
gym shorts. His morning routine wasn't as regular, but the solitude of an
empty house was something that he managed to get every single day. Some
mornings, he'd make breakfast for the both of them while Chris was
out. Other times, he would make sure to tackle his inbox before Chris got
back. Today, he wanted to get everything in order and make one last
push. He knew his approach was unorthodox, since he didn't even have all
the moving parts under control, but he had been too excited to wait. He was
paying for that now, he thought. If he thought things through and packaged
everything together, not sending things piecemeal, things would have been
better.

He sat down in their shared office, tapping out a few emails explaining
that he'd gotten Chris on board, which should get things moving. Debbie was
probably sick of hearing from him, so he decided to email her, too, after
he basically begged all of his producer friends for more advice. He'd
accepted the fact that there would always be a group of people who thought
he'd only used Chris to access a new network of people, but in reality,
Armie found that being connected to an award-winning writer didn't help
open as many doors as anyone thought. It was just as hard to convince
people to take him seriously and to get his projects in front of the right
people. He couldn't fall back on family connections and other methods to
convince people to take him seriously. He needed to grow. He needed to be
more genuine. He was going to do this the right way.

By the time Chris was back, Armie was jumping rope behind the house. Chris
heard the rhythmic tapping of the rope against the canal-adjacent walkway
before his eyes caught sight of Armie hopping up and down, his eyes focused
on the water and the rope swinging around him with a practiced ease.

"How are you?" Chris said as he rifled through the fridge for cream. He
still had his headphones in from his run and he made sure to speak slowly
so that Jake could hear him.

"Hanging in there," Jake said. Chris could hear the fatigue in his
voice. It wasn't from a boxing workout or a hike though. Chris knew it was
from lack of sleep. "You?"

"Keeping busy," Chris said. "Book's got a lot of pre-orders
though. Surprised everyone."

"When is it out?"

"Next month. I'm finalizing everything today. Galleys are already out."

"Send me one?"

"You don't have to ask," Chris said. "Everyone acts like I don't know how
real life works."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't worry about it. You'll get one. It's pretty different from what you
read. Lots of edits. Not lots. Some."

"Can't wait. What are you sending Ramona?"

"Build-your-own dinosaur robotics kit."

"Really pushing that STEM education."

"You make her an artistic bohemian and I'll make sure that she knows she
can be an engineer, too."

"She wants to be a photographer."

"She can do that," Chris said. "But she can build robots, too. I'm all
about her being well rounded. I take her to museums when she's out here."

"Yeah, she told me," Jake said. Chris heard him yawn. It wasn't even
lunchtime on the East Coast and he sounded exhausted.

"Are you okay? You sound really bad."

"Night shooting," Jake said simply.

"I remember that," Chris said. "I wish I could make it out there for the
party. Thirteen is a big deal."

"She knows your book is coming out. And she was just out there, she's old
enough to understand. I'll tell her."

"I'm glad you're seeing her more. That makes me really happy."

"It's different out here," Jake said. "But they're closer. It's easier."

Chris turned around and caught sight of Armie, still jumping. Their eyes
met and Armie gave him a quick nod, his pace unchanged. "California needs
you," Chris said. "Don't get too comfortable."

He heard Jake chuckle. "I'm in it for the long haul, Chris. I don't think
I'll be back out there anytime soon."

"I have to go," Chris said. The thought of having Jake that far away was a
lot to think about, even if their last few talks were best forgotten. Chris
wondered if they could reach some sort of balance between being friends and
exes. Maybe it was too much to ask. "I'll talk to you later. I'll make sure
you get a book."

They exchanged goodbyes and Chris leaned against the counter, half waiting
for his coffee to drip and half watching Armie cool down. His jumps were
slowing and he was flushed and sweaty. Chris fought the urge to go out
there and lick each drop from Armie's chiseled jaw. When Armie used the
bottom of his shirt to wipe the sweat from his face, exposing a swathe of
stomach, Chris was glad that he had help staying upright.

"Want some water?" Chris asked as Armie came inside.

"Coffee is fine," Armie said, coming over to give Chris a quick kiss. Chris
lingered a tiny bit longer than necessary, his lips grazing Armie's for a
few seconds.

"Is it too late for us to fly to New York for a bat mitzvah next weekend?"

"I don't think so," Armie said. "It should be fine if it's just for a few
days. Nothing's happening on this deal yet."

"I'll check some flights," Chris said. He ran his hands up Armie's chest to
rest on his shoulders and gave him another kiss. "I can't miss my niece's
birthday. I thought I could, but I want to be there."

"Then we'll be there," Armie said. Though he never really had to deal with
the Gyllenhaals all at once, he'd met them all on separate occasions. By
now, he and Chris had been together long enough that any awkwardness that
lingered was between Armie and Jake. Everyone else seemed great, Armie
thought, especially when they were in L.A. Jake seemed to be harboring his
entire family's share of trepidation.

"Even if I need to do some work, it shouldn't be more than a dinner and the
party the next day," Chris said. "Plenty of time."

"No, we'll go and celebrate. Don't even think about it."

It was as easy as that. Before Chris could even think about it, the two of
them were waiting for a car at JFK, Armie clad in a bright-red Adidas
tracksuit, much to Chris' delight and chagrin. "I always forget how cold it
is here," Chris said, his hand buried in his pockets.

"Your Californian is showing," Armie said as he loaded their luggage into
the trunk of a black SUV. Chris hurried to settle inside the car, telling
the driver exactly which W Hotel they were staying in.

"Just landed," Chris said. Armie had to do a double take to see that he was
on his phone. "We're going to grab some food with a friend, but we'll see
you tomorrow. Tell Ramona that we're excited for her party and that she
doesn't have to be nervous about it."

Armie rubbed Chris' knee as they drove into the city. Chris had been
alternating between reading and sleeping the entire time while Armie did
his best to brace himself for what could happen with the Gyllenhaals. So
far, he and Jake maintained a safe distance from one another. This would be
the most time they'd spent together away from the obligations that came
with being in the industry. With unfamiliar turf and plenty of people who
still saw him as the bad guy, the odds were stacked against him.

"Nick wants to get Japanese, is that okay?"

"Yeah, anything's fine," Chris said, reaching for Armie's hand. "I can't
believe she's 13 already."

Armie knew that Chris had a life before they met, but it was moments like
this that were clear reminders of that. Armie felt a squeeze at his
hand. "Tired?" Chris asked, noticing how quiet Armie was being.

"I'm okay. Just need a shower and I'll be good." The fatigue was more
mental than physical.

"I know this isn't easy for you. For anyone," Chris said. "I really
appreciate that you're here with me. You could have stayed home, but you
didn't."

"Where you go, I will follow," Armie said, smiling. "I'm here for you. You
know that."

It was a bad time for both of them -- Chris with his book coming out soon
and Armie piecing together his very own movie -- but now that they were a
continent away from all of that, things seemed a little more relaxed. Chris
leaned over to kiss Armie's cheek and as they sped towards the city, the
two of them could almost forget about everything happening back at home.

"They couldn't be more different," Maggie said, leaning in close to Chris.

From where the two of them were sitting, Armie and Jake seemed to be having
a conversation, but neither of them could actually hear what they were
saying. It could be nothing more than simple pleasantries.  Just as easily,
it could be actual meaningful conversation. Everyone was celebrating now
that the formal part of the bat mitzvah was over at the synagogue. Now,
they were all at the Jewish Community Center, which had been transformed to
an Art Deco soiree, done up in black and gold.

The pressure was off of Ramona, who had done her reading without any
problems earlier in the day. Everyone could tell that she was ready to have
a good time. After nothing more than a quick hug and graciously accepting a
round of congratulations, she was happier to be celebrating with her
friend, not hanging out with her uncle and his new boyfriend. She and her
friends probably knew about the relationship, but were too young to have it
on their radars. Their own crushes and personal crises were far more
important than celebrity gossip.

"They're not that different," Chris said as he picked at his dessert. "They
both goof off when they shouldn't, they both put up with my shit, and
they're both movie stars." He paused. "Why do I keep doing this to myself?"

"He's very handsome, I'll give you that," Maggie said, crossing her legs
and smoothing her skirt. "He's a good guy. I'm just giving you a hard
time."

"I hope Jake's not giving him a hard time," Chris said, using his fork to
motion over to where the two were standing near the bar. "I'm freaking out
over here. I want one of them over here right now. I don't know what they
could be talking about."

"You don't have anything to worry about. Both of them talk too much,"
Maggie assured him.

"Probably my mental instability, right?"

"It's small talk. 'I'm in this play,'" Maggie said, lowering her voice in a
poor impression of her brother. "'I'm in-between movies. I've always
thought of doing a play.'"

"You're right," Chris said. "There's no way they're having an actual
intelligent conversation."

"I didn't say that," Maggie said, laughing. "You're in a good place. No, a
really great place. Jake will get there, too." She leaned in close and
clasped Chris' hand in her own. "We all wanted it to work out, but life's
not like that. This is what it is now, so enjoy it. You don't have to feel
guilty about anything."

"It doesn't feel right sometimes," Chris said. "Armie is really great. It's
amazing. I always feel like I need to be careful, though. If Jake and I
didn't work, what makes this any different? I can't go through it twice."

"It's completely different," Maggie said. "You've grown up. Hopefully, you
learned something. Actually, I know you did, because I've read through your
new book."

"It's fiction," Chris said. "You know that."

"Keep telling yourself that," Maggie said. "But it's all there. I can tell
you right now that what you've got with that very tall, very stunning man
really works."

"You're the worst," Chris said, finally getting up off his chair. He took a
drink of water and turned to face his ex-sister-in-law. "I love you and I
hate you. This is what being family is, right?"

"You know it," Maggie said.

Chris walked over to where Armie and Jake were still talking. As usual,
Jake was wildly gesturing with his hands, his eyes wide and animated. "This
is my first bat mitzvah," Chris said. "And it's setting a very high bar."

"It's pretty great," Jake said. "Compared to my bar mitzvah, this is
epic. You know the story. My dad tells it all the time. We volunteered at a
soup kitchen. My friends weren't impressed." It was true. Not only was it
something that was all over the internet, Chris had heard it plenty of
times before.

"She looks up to you so much," Armie said. He wanted to pull Chris into a
hug, but a beer occupied one hand and the other was in his pocket. With
Jake right there, he knew better. "It's very cute."

"I'm the only person in the family that doesn't make movies," Chris
said. "That's probably part of it."

"When she was younger," Jake explained, "We would take her to the
observatory and the aquarium, so it was pretty clear from the beginning
that Chris wasn't pushing her towards the family business."

"And that's why she latched on," Armie suggested. "You were showing her all
the cool things."

"Yeah, and after she basically begged me to come out here, she's too cool
to talk to me." The three of them turned their attention to the dance
floor, where Ramona and her friends were stationed.

"I'm sure she's happy you came," Jake said. "Everyone is."

Chris smiled and felt his body relax. Armie was rubbing at his back and
Chris wanted to lean into the touch. He watched Jake's eyes dart down
Armie's arm and up to his own face, but he made no move. "It's good to
finally meet everyone all together," Armie said. "Your family's
cool. Mine's boring."

"They are very boring," Chris confirmed. "And I'm sure that they don't like
me."

"I'm sure they do," Jake said. "You're too hard on yourself. Parents love
you."

"That's what I tell him," Armie said. He finally let his arm run up Chris'
back to rest on his shoulder. "What's not to like?"

"Let's not get into that," Chris said. "We don't have all night." There was
a heady tension in the air between the three of them. Nobody involved in
the conversation could figure a smooth way out, but with no fists flying
and everything remaining perfectly civil, none of them were in a rush to
sit down, either.

"I'm not going to be able to come out to L.A. for your party," Jake finally
said. "So, I have to congratulate you now."

"Thanks," Chris said. "You've already read it, basically. You don't have to
come out. We're not even doing anything big." He took a step over to Jake
and pulled him into a strong hug. "I can't even tell you how much it means
that you read it over so many times."

"I'll always be here for you," Jake said. "Nothing will ever change that."

Feedback: breakingthroughstory@gmail.com