Date: Fri, 13 Oct 2006 23:25:55 -0700 From: christopher. Subject: breaking through part 29 Usual disclaimers apply: this is fiction, I don't know Jake Gyllenhaal or any of the other celebrities mentioned, don't read this if you're not allowed to because of your age or not into homoeroticism. Author's Note: Check out the Gyllenhaal Chronicles page: http://groups.msn.com/TheGyllenhaalChronicles/_whatsnew E-mail all comments, good or bad, to christopherrrluu@gmail.com or tell me instantly via instant message with the screenname babyofthe1980s on AIM or find me on MSN with the aforementioned E-mail address. Thanks to everyone for reading, sorry for taking this long. Part XXIX Jake drove slowly, the bright sun shining through the green leaves of the trees lining the curving road, the salty smell of the ocean blowing through the open windows of the car. He remembered when Chris would sit in the passenger's seat, eyes glued to the water or the trees, whatever was on the other side of the window, hand clutching Jake's between them as they talked. The drive from Santa Barbara to LA gave them a lot of time to talk. Sometimes, it gave them time to not talk, more said in those long silences than either of them would ever know. Jake recalled Chris falling in and out of sleep, his eyes fluttering open and meeting Jake's every once in a while, a smile on both their faces. It was that, Jake thought, the simplest moments that he always remembered and cherished. Turning off the radio, he settled into the seat, not sure what to think of the entire thing. He didn't know what was going to happen when he opened the doors. He was almost sure there had to be some sort of protocol, something had to happen before things could get back to normal. Normal. Jake's brow furrowed at the thought of it. They'd never been normal, unless normal meant periods of nonstop, twenty-four hour attention punctuated with long distance relationships and occasional weekend visits, awards shows, interviews, and photo calls. Jake wondered, wondered all the time how things would have gone if Chris just gave up, because he knew it'd gone through Chris' head, he could see it when things got bad, when things got stretched so thin that the two of them almost reached the breaking point. What if's ran through his head all the time, more now than ever before, but they didn't mean anything. He couldn't change what he'd done, what Chris had chosen to do in reaction, he could only hope that everything from here on out went smoother. He didn't expect perfection or domestic bliss; he just wanted it to be like it was before all this. It had been a long time, way too long. As he stepped out of the car and started down the walkway, stiff legs grateful for a respite from the long drive, his hands smoothing his button-down shirt, before running over his smooth jaw--Chris would hate it, he knew, but he had to look presentable, he couldn't risk anything. He slid his hands into his pockets, wondering how everything would go, hoping against all odds that things went exactly how they were supposed to. He let out another long breath, almost a sigh as he stopped. Eyes turned upwards, blue sky cloudless and his lungs filling with fresh air. Any other time, he'd have loved it, would have stopped for a few minutes just to soak it all in, but he had to get going. He was early, but he still felt like everything was being rushed, his heart beating fast and his palms sweating as he got closer and closer to the front door. He could hear the ocean, suddenly remembering how close it always seemed to be and how easily it slipped out from his mind. Taking a few more steps, he slowed down, strides becoming deliberate and slow. Nothing could have prepared him for this, nothing in a million years. He met Chris with the sound of the ocean in the background, the first time they kissed it was there; and the last time they'd kissed, Jake remembered every vivid detail, how soft Chris' lips felt, where his hands were, how their bodies melted together. He closed his eyes, veering off the windy gravel and leaning against a tree, steadying himself just steps away from the front door now, reliving that last kiss, that last moment of carefree joy he'd felt, how just feeling Chris' body against his and how just being together made him forget about everything he'd done to jeopardize what they had. He needed to be strong, for himself and for Chris. *** "Something's going on with Jake," Chris said, smiling as Maggie sat down next to him on the sand, head coming down on to his shoulder, "Abby, what did you do?" Chris asked, jokingly accusatory. Her eyes grew wide with disbelief as she threw her arms up, "I didn't do anything!" she confessed, "I didn't mean to pull on his foot the other day! He's so cranky in the morning." "It's not that," Chris said, laughing lightly, turning his attention to Maggie now, "he's sort of...I don't know. And if I don't know, something's definitely wrong." "He's tired," Maggie said, running her hand over Chris', "it'll get better, let him chill out and then you guys can get back to whatever you were doing." "The thing with Jake is that he won't want to talk about this sort of thing," Chris said, eyes fixed on the waves, the chill from the wind seeping into his skin through his thin sweater, "if I say something, he'll just kiss me or something and then we'll both forget to talk about it." "It works every time?" "It's foolproof," Chris said, almost sighing, "and it doesn't help that he doesn't like talking about what's going on in his head." "Neither do you," Maggie said, "but you do. He just needs to get everything in line again. He's probably cooking up some ridiculously sentimental way to tell you that things are going to be just as good as they were before." "He doesn't need to do that," Chris said, "but he always does. I have the jewelry to show for it." Maggie grabbed his hand and twirled the rings around his fingers, one on his pinky and two on his ring finger, the dull metal scratched and worn, just the way Chris liked. He dropped his hand down, holding her close to him to keep the both of them warm, "I think this time it's something serious though. He's not himself." "Jake is just sorting things out right now. It happens when he's got some free time ahead of him. He wants to make sure that you both get the most out of it since it hardly ever happens." "He could involve me in that, I mean, I'm going to be there," Chris said, "Abby, is he still just moping around the house?" "I don't know," she stated simply, chasing the retreating tide only to scamper back up the beach as the waves washed in again, "he was talking to Uncle Peter when we came to get you." "You want to go inside with me, Abby, or do you want to stay out and show Maggie where we find all your shells?" Her face lit up instantly, pulling at Maggie's hand, "There are so many!" she said, practically gasping, "Christopher and I found it and when we go there are so many snails and shells. We always find so many." "Here, take my sweater," Chris said, pulling his hoodie off, feeling the chill of the air pull goose bumps onto his skin, "so you don't get cold, and I'll head inside and see if I can't get Jake back to normal." Abby was already yanking Maggie down the beach when Chris turned back, wrapping his hands around his arms to keep warm, his thin t-shirt not keeping away any of the cold. Sand kicked up behind him, rougher than it was back at home. Even when it was cold at home, the sand seemed to retain some sense of warmth, soaking up every ounce of heat the sun had to offer and sprinkling it over Chris' feet, but here everything was cold. Cozy, but cold nonetheless. He opened the back door of the house, smelling the inviting aroma of coffee as soon as it swung open, the warmth of the house enveloping his shivering body. "Peter," Chris said, smiling. Just seeing him made him warm all over, the welcoming smile, slight wrinkles around his eyes and mussed, rugged charm, "it's been a while." "Get over here," Peter said, pulling him into a tight hug, "it's weird not having you around the house. We all get so used to things being a certain way." "Me especially," Chris whispered, basking in the comforting strength of Peter's arms, his woody cologne, and his broad chest, "is Jake around?" Peter stiffened, pulling their bodies apart, "Coffee's ready," he said, "and Jake's in your room." Chris turned on his heels, but Peter pulled him back by the arm, eyes meeting his, "You're a part of this family, Christopher. Remember that." "You guys can't get rid of me now," Chris said, smiling, "I'm not going anywhere." *** Stopping in the lobby of the big building, imposing only because he'd never been there before. Other people, he figured, would find it very low-key, almost welcoming with its lush lawn and flowerbeds, trees everywhere outside. It could very well have been a resort, some amazing hotel tucked away in the dwindling wilds of California coastline, but Jake knew better. He let out a long breath, running his hands over his face, sunglasses sliding up into his hair as he looked at himself in the reflection on the glass. His eyes looked tired, drained. Something was missing--and he knew exactly what it was. Nothing could have prepared him for this, but he never thought this was something he'd have to go through. He unbuttoned the top button of his shirt, smoothing it over his chest one more time and buttoning it again. Nervous energy coursed through his body, everything suddenly heightened, every color, every smell, and every sound seemed to catch his attention. "I'm here to get someone," Jake said softly, not sure exactly what the situation was, "I have an appointment..." he shook his head. It was off to a bad start already, it seemed like he was here to kidnap someone or something, "Dr. Riley is expecting...he knows why I'm here." "I'll get him right out," the receptionist said, already picking up the phone, "it's going to be alright. You're halfway done already." "Thanks," Jake said, letting out a low sigh, "it's just...I'm still not ready. I don't know if...will I get to see him right away?" "You can't be ready. Nobody can," she said, "but you can take a seat and Dr. Riley will be right out. He's just getting everything ready. You'll see him first. Just him." Jake nodded and headed towards the overstuffed leather chairs, soft and smooth as he sunk into them. Easing himself into the entire situation, letting everything just fall into place as he ran the entire situation in his head made him more comfortable, Dr. Riley sounded friendly on the phone, eager to see Jake and even more eager to talk about how great Chris was doing. Jake was hopeful, but he still didn't know the entire story. Part of him was a little scared to even think about it, but Chris had to realize that what he did didn't just affect himself, now that they'd been through so much, everything that either of them did was twofold now, what happened to one of them had repercussions for the both of them. Jake knew it, but Chris had forgotten. He'd known from the very beginning, staying in the shadows and letting Jake take the spotlight, only emerging when it seemed right, letting Jake support him and then supporting Jake when he needed it, but whereas he slid into that mindset from the very beginning, Jake took to it gradually, realizing that Chris didn't like being in the spotlight, learning when Chris needed to be pushed and when he needed to come to the forefront and help Chris out. It was that fine balance that got them where they were: Hollywood heavyweights, respected in both their fields, accessible and approachable, everyone saw them as the best friends that nothing could come between--nothing but themselves. "He'll see you now," the receptionist said, tapping him on the shoulder, "I'll walk you down to his office." "Where's Chris? Where is he right now?" Jake could usually sense it, it sort of happened that way without him even thinking about it: he could always find Chris in a crowd, no matter how big, could always sort of tell where Chris would be at a party, even which part of a bookstore Chris would gravitate to. But here, unfamiliarity surrounded him. He couldn't figure out things in his own head, so figuring out where Chris could be couldn't even enter his mind. "Dr. Riley will explain everything," she said, "just follow me." "You know I haven't seen him in months, right?" Jake said quietly, a nervous chuckle falling from his lips, "I don't know if I can stand even one more minute." *** Chris slid into bed, snuggling up against Jake's back, nuzzling his nose into Jake's dark hair, "Taking a nap?" Jake slowly turned around, their bodies automatically moving into their familiar curves, settling the way they always did, even on the tiny bed. Jake's chest pushed against Chris' back, hands on Chris' chest as his nose rubbed against the nape of Chris' neck, their feet sliding together under the light sheets. Jake sighed, holding Chris just a little tighter, "What did I do to get someone like you?" he said, voice soft, almost dreamy. "Come on, everyone's here," Chris said, running his hand over Jake's, feeling Jake's bare fingers slide against his own. Jake's fingers caught his rings, pausing as he slid the smooth metal under his fingers, "Me and you," he said, "me and you forever." "When we get home," Chris whispered, settling into the bed now, eyelids growing heavier with every synchronized breath, "we can do this whenever we want." "I could use it right now," Jake said, pushing Chris away slightly, just enough to slip his shirt off, seeking the comfort that skin on skin provided, "get comfortable." Chris sat up on the bed, pulling his t-shirt off and sliding out of his jeans. Jake's hands were on him instantly, pulling him down so that their warm bodies came into contact again. Chris closed his eyes, sensing the tension that filled Jake's body, trying to give him what he needed to relax. The world melted away when Chris felt Jake's regular breaths against his back, smiling as he let his eyes flutter shut, grateful that they were just together. It seemed so luxurious to just be together again. A few hours later, Chris wandered out into the kitchen, Jake nursing a mug of hot coffee as he stared blankly out of the window at the crashing waves, "Who told me that they didn't like waking up alone?" Chris asked, wrapping his arms around Jake's chest, chin resting on his shoulder, "And who left me in bed by myself?" "Couldn't sleep," Jake said, voice tired, hands running over his eyes and face, "but it was really nice having you there. Felt good." "What's going on in that head of yours?" Chris asked, nose running through Jake's thick hair, "something's up." "Nothing's going on," Jake said, voice flat and measured, "I want to tell you...I have to tell you something, but not right now. I can't right now. I have to figure it out first. Let me figure it out and I think everything's going to be okay." He wanted the take the words back right away, knew that now that they were out in the open, both of them would probably obsess over it. He would, at any rate, maybe Chris would just forget about it. He hoped for the latter, but just having it out of his system made him feel that much better, like a baby step towards the bigger issue. Chris nodded, holding Jake tighter, feeling his breathing under him, his head suddenly running through everything that Jake could possibly want to tell him. Things were suddenly so good, nothing but lounging and reading, he'd pushed the entire publishing fiasco out of his head, devoting every minute of the day to Jake and the family. It distracted him--and he was grateful. The last thing he wanted was to think about reality. "Your book," Jake started, making Chris' stomach drop. "It'll be okay," Chris said, almost too quickly, "I think Vivian is starting to figure things out. A storm in the Midwest or something to do with shipping." It was a lie. He'd been on the phone with her over and over and neither of them could figure anything out, their shortcomings becoming more and more evident as their frustration grew. Jake was an actor, he could hide his emotions, but Chris was a writer, he had to make up stories. Jake settled against Chris' body, feeling how nice it was to be the one on the inside, to be the one being held. It was rare, self-imposed, really, but right then, he needed it. "You like it out here?" "Love it...love you, love everything," Chris said, letting out a long sigh, a smile curling his lips at Jake's neck, "have I told you 'thank you' yet?" "A few dozen times," Jake said, turning around to face him, to settle into the arc of his body, to feel the comfort in Chris' arms, "I wish we could stay here, where nothing can get to us." "You make it seem like the world's out to get us," Chris said, "you've got to relax." Sometimes, Jake thought, there was more trouble from inside them than from the outside world. The way Chris clung onto Topher, friendship or not, even after everything that they'd been through, the way Chris seemed to drown in his work and tune everything out, Jake included, when he wrote. The way Jake's world seemed to revolve around four- month shoots, periods of intense work punctuated by months of nothing at all. There was no way the two of them could have worked, but somehow, they were still together. That alone, Jake thought, was a testament to how much they meant to each other. He held Chris tight, feeling Chris' fingers in his hair, lazy fingers in his short hair as Chris watched the waves crash, their warm bodies pressed together. "You're right," Jake said, voice soft, "let's take a walk, I think I could use some time to thinkÉthink with you, though. I need you." *** "It's good to meet you," Dr. Riley said, offering his hand, "I have to say right off that Chris is great. He's come a long way." His handshake was firm, Jake noticed, smile warm; the doctor looked just like he sounded on the phone: put together, exactly like what Jake thought a doctor should look like, if only slightly younger. It reassured him, relaxed him a little, figured Chris could have related to him, "Jake. Or Jacob, I guess. That's what it said on the form. It's good to see you." Jake's words stumbled and he hoped he didn't look as nervous as he sounded. He was grateful when Dr. Riley motioned towards a chair. "So, Christopher and I have worked together since the first day he checked himself in. I've seen him progress and it's not that we won't miss him, but when we see a patient go, it means we've done our job." Jake nodded, settling into the chair. Dr. Riley's words put him at ease, his voice soothing and controlled, exactly the opposite of the chaos of everything that had been happening lately, "He's okay. That's the important part. "Right," he said, smile broad, "he's right back on track. With your help, he should be able to finish everything up back in Santa Barbara." "Okay," Jake said simply, not knowing what the next step was, logical or not. He was in the dark here, waiting patiently for whatever the doctor would bring up next. "I just want to tell you that Chris requested that nobody know he was here, he probably only told two or three other people, and he didn't add you to the emergency contact until last week, when we were sure he'd be going home. So it was a big step for him to take, we've discussed it over and over in our sessions, and I think that he's made the right decision." Jake's heart dropped to the pit of his stomach. His breath stalled as he thought about the lengths Chris went through to keep him out. It was understandable, he thought, breaking Chris' trust after so much work to earn it, but it was also selfish too, Jake just didn't see how what Chris did solved anything. Running away from problems didn't work for anyone, but Chris seemed to think it was the only way to deal with things. It was his first answer to any problem. "And you're not just his doctor, right?" Maggie, on the other hand, had known everything all along, every step of the way, only telling Jake details after he got that phone call from Chris, that one single act clarifying months and months of not knowing. "I was part of a team, but I saw Chris the most." "Okay, so what do we do now? When can I see him?" "It's not that easy," Dr. Riley said, flipping a folder open on top of his desk, "there are a few things we have to go over first. Nothing comes easy, right?" "Right," Jake said, sitting back in his chair, wiping his palms on his pants. He prepared himself for anything, was willing to do anything and everything if it meant having what they lost again. "Perfect," he said, "I'm sure everything will be worth it. Nobody should go through this, but I think if anyone can do it, it's Chris." *** Chris felt like he knew Jake well enough to know that there was something going on. He hated it, knowing that Jake was holding something in, especially since he hardly ever did it. But he'd suspected something was going on, and now that Jake had confirmed it, it only made him dwell on it more. So he was grateful that Jake wanted to go for a walk, he needed the introspection as much as Jake did now. He buttoned up his coat as he followed Jake down the beach, the wind colder than Chris could remember. He held Jake's arm tight, trying to sense anything changing, good or bad, between them. "Jake," Chris said, teeth practically chattering in the biting cold, "whatever it is, it can't be as bad as you probably think it is." The California boy was really showing, his body shivering in what seemed like Antarctic weather. He wondered how Jake was dealing with it. He was, after all, a child of LA. "It's not like that," Jake said, not even knowing what he was saying, the words just coming out automatically, "I don't want you to worry about it." "If you're worried about something, then I should be worried about it, too," Chris said, wrapping his fingers in Jake's, feeling the warmth in his skin, "that's what it means to be together, right?" "It looks good on paper," Jake said, "but that's not how it happens. You know how that is." "Well, what we've got is the closest thing to a fairy tale I've got," Chris said, "I don't want me and you to be what gives us...I don't know...grief?" it was such a weird thing to say, to Jake especially, "there are too many other things for that." Jake stopped, turning to look at Chris, face strained to make anything out of Chris' words. Chris' hand went up to push his hair back, his head resting on Jake's shoulder, "I don't want to give you grief," Jake said, voice soft, "I never wanted to give you grief." "It's part of the package, you can't have good without bad," Chris said, pushing his hands into the pockets of Jake's coat, "I hate seeing you like this. You always tell me to get out of my head. Now it's your turn." Pulling their bodies tight together, Jake tried to steady Chris' shivering body, running his nose through Chris' hair, the familiar mix of soap and salt, it was just like they were back at home, back where nothing ever went wrong. It was just when they were away from the calm and the familiar surroundings that things went wrong. Jake wanted to take him home, take Chris back to where things seemed unreal. He thought that going to the Hamptons, where everything was just as calm and just as laid-back, would be good for them, but now it just seemed that everything was falling apart around them. "Chris," Jake said, everything suddenly seemed to be slowing down, getting quiet as he just felt Chris breathing against him; waiting, waiting for anything, "I'm still really worried about your book. I know how much it means to you," Jake said, falling back on the same excuse, "I can't stop thinking about how you must be feeling." He let out a sigh, holding Chris tight, right then and there the guilt got twice as heavy. He didn't know why he couldn't say it. He just couldn't bear to break Chris' heart, couldn't even bear to let him out of his arms. "Again? Is that all?" Chris said, chuckling lightly, "if I'm not worried about it, you shouldn't be." "How are you so calm through all this?" Jake asked, pulling away slightly, his face covered in puzzlement, "I'd be panicking, but you're just..." "Because I've got you. That's all I need; right now, right here, it's all I need. I know I can write. I know that the book is good, everything else isn't up to me," Chris said, "so all I can think about is what I've got in my hands right now." "I don't deserve this," Jake whispered, shaking his head slowly, "you deserve better." "Maybe I do," Chris said, lips grazing Jake's ear, voice barely audible, "but what if I don't want better?" Jake smiled, always amazed, every single time, by how easy the perfect words came to him, how simple it was for him to say something that seemed to lift all the worries from Jake's heart. He was freezing, could feel his body trying to get as much warmth from Chris', shivering slightly as he held Chris steady, "I want to tell you that I love you, but I don't think that's enough right now. I want you to know I do." "I don't need to hear it," Chris said, leaning closer to Jake, his lips only a hair's breadth from Jake's, "you can show me though." He leaned in, pressing his lips to Jake's, a shiver running down the length of his body, a seething warmth following it as Jake's hands wrapped around his waist, scratchy stubble against his smooth skin, hot tongue sliding against his own. Jake's lips were hungry and desperate, his eyes shut tight as he just melted into the kiss, his mind empty, sensory overcoming rationality. It was this, exactly this, that he needed, craved. It could be like this every day, just like this, if he'd only let it. "Just like that," Chris said softly as he pulled away, eyes fluttering open, "it's loud and clear." "Let's get back inside," Jake whispered, their bodies still clinging tightly to one another, both reluctant to move, "it's cold. And I think I'm done thinking." "Good," Chris said, "now maybe we can both enjoy what we've got right now." *** "Any questions so far?" the doctor said, closing one folder and opening another. It was red. Jake scanned the desk, the folder he just shut was a plain manila one but there was a blue one under the red one and a gray one under that. Jake wondered if the Dr. Riley would be explaining everything, how long it would be until he got to see Chris again. "Who came with him when he checked himself in?" "I'm not allowed to disclose that," the doctor said, "that's something you two will have to go over on your own. Chris said he wanted to tell you." Jake nodded, the mental list of things he had to ask Chris growing even though he was getting more and more answers from Dr. Riley. "So, I guess we should start from the beginning, right? Chris came in three months ago. Like I said, he was escorted, but only because he couldn't drive himself. He assures us that this was a choice he made on his own. That alone already set him apart from most of our patients." "Most people get dropped off?" "By their families or their probation officers, yes. He came, took right to every program, was more than happy to share his experience with other patients, completely open with his entire team, worked hard every day. It wasn't easy, but it never is. He'd gotten involved with really heavy things, so that made it that much worse, but everything happened just like it was supposed to. He took to all the treatments really well, everything right on schedule." "That's how he is," Jake said, "it's how he's always been." "Which is why we think he'll do really well back at home. We have no reason to believe otherwise." "I'll make sure," Jake said quickly, "I'll do whatever I have to do to make sure he does what he has to do." "There are a lot of ways to do this, but I think we've chosen the method that will work best for the two of you. He said that you live together, are in close proximity to medical facilities--by foot even, and that neither of you have any planned conflicts with what could take a few months." "I'd drop everything if it meant he'd be back at home. He hasn't been home for too long." To say that the house was different without Chris would be obvious, but every time Jake saw anything, something they bought together, a mug, a picture, a photo, and every time he walked by the window to see Chris' studio empty, his heart ached. He thought it would have gotten easier, but as the days wore on, as the weeks passed, it got harder. Distractions came and went, some lasting longer than others, but there was always the worry and fear in the back of his mind, in the whole of his heart. "But the last thing we want is to see him here again. We want a full recovery, full integration back into what he wants to do, whatever he wants to do next." "That's what I want to," Jake said. He hesitated, nibbling on his thumb as he glanced down at the open folder, "I can't lose him." "Alright," the doctor said, "two down, two to go." "Wait," Jake interrupted again, "is that it? We can't talk about what he did before this? What happened when he got here? I feel like you just skipped everything." "I'll answer anything I'm allowed to," the doctor said, opening the folder again, "what do you want to know?" "Everything," Jake said, sitting up straight, attention rapt, "what he was wearing, what he ate, what he said, every single thing. I don't want to make him remember it all." *** "Peter and I practically had sex," Chris joked, watching Peter flush crimson, "I was almost begging for it. I don't know how the hell I resisted...I must have an iron will." "That's gross, Christopher," Maggie giggled, "it's practically incest," she leaned closer to Peter, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek, "he's pretty irresistible though, I can see why you tried." Chris' face suddenly turned serious, the warmth from the wine spreading out from his stomach to the rest of his body, "You picked a good one." "Hey," Jake said, pulling Chris close, "I'm sitting right here." "Well, it goes without showing," Chris said, leaning in for a kiss, "that I got the best one." He ran his hand over Jake's shoulder and across his chest as their lips came together, Jake's hands on his back, their bodies coming together across the wooden patio bench, the frigid breeze sliding across Chris' neck, his body seeking warmth in the contours of Jake's body. "Is this our cue to leave?" Peter asked, already pulling Maggie into the house, "I don't know if we can compete with that." Chris noticed how distant Peter had been all night, owed it to the cold and the hard wood benches. He was normally more talkative, much more outgoing, more willing to joke, especially when it got to joking about sex. Chris pulled himself off of Jake, but a hand reached around the back of his neck, smoothing goose bumps and pulling him down for another kiss, his eyes shutting again as Jake's hand slid under his sweater, the feeling of warm skin and cold air sending a shock up his spine, "Jake," Chris panted, "this is rude," even as he dipped down again, lips searching for Jake's in the dim glow of the patio lights. "They're used to it," Jake said, before glancing at Maggie and Peter, already rolling their eyes half-amused and half-annoyed. It was getting late though, and the cold was getting all of them antsy for the warmth of the house. "Have a good time, boys," Maggie said, sliding the door open. Peter threw his arm across her shoulder, "You're the coolest sister they could have," he said, glancing over his shoulder one last time, Jake's hand back under Chris' sweater, Chris' body seemingly super reactive to Jake's every move. "They'd probably keep at it even if we were there," Maggie said, sliding the back door shut. Chris heard the slide of curtains and suddenly he and Jake were plunged into semi- darkness, their bodies illuminated by the dim lights that dotted the patio and the pale haze of the moon. Chris grunted when Jake pushed him off, catching his breath as Jake grinned under him, hard cock pressing against his ass through their jeans. Chris shook his head, "You're unbelievable. That was your sister." "I'll apologize tomorrow," Jake said, eyes heavy-lidded, "come back here." Chris ran his hand over the back of his neck, trying to regain some of the warmth. He reached down and pulled Jake up, slowly shifting their bodies so that Jake was on top of him, his body smothered by warmth, Jake's face framed by the inky sky and sparkling stars. "You're amazing," Chris whispered, "this is amazing." He blinked fast, focusing on everything all at once, running his hand over Jake's scratchy cheek, "I'm so in love with you." "Chris," Jake whispered, "I can't imagine what I'd be without you." "Stop," Chris said, smiling, one hand running over Jake's hair, down his neck, just feeling everything, the other resting on his beating heart. He shushed Jake, "I want to just...I want to remember how perfect this is." Jake's dropped his head to Chris' shoulder, taking in a deep breath, "Perfect," he said softly. The word hit him hard, his breathing got erratic and stunted, he'd been holding it in all this time, but it was finally starting to bubble to the surface, the more comfortable he got, the harder it was to keep it inside. He couldn't mar Chris' memories with something like the truth. "You're in your head again," Chris whispered, teeth chattering slightly in the chill, "I can see it in your eyes." "I'm...no, I'm not," Jake said, looking towards the house, steadying himself as he pushed himself off of Chris, his breathing heavy, "I'm sorry." "It's ok," Chris said, hands running down Jake's stomach, "just get back down here. It's freezing." "It's not that, Chris," Jake said, getting up off the bench, his legs shaky, his heart beating a million times a minute, "it's not perfect." "It's never perfect," Chris said, "but you make it pretty damn close when you do certain things." His fingers tangled in the soft cashmere of Jake's sweater, pulling him down, but Jake resisted, grabbing Chris' hands, warming them between his own. "I've been meaning to tell you," Jake started, "that things have been really hard. I've been going insane thinking about it." Chris sat up, nose pressed into Jake's chest, smelling the familiar musky smell of cologne and Jake, "I don't want to hear it, do I, Jake? Things are going good. I thought things were good." His hands held Jake tight, hoping that it just meant that their vacation would be cut short, that their time in paradise was coming to an end. "Look at me, Chris," Jake whispered, pulling his head up, "I just...I need to tell you. I can't keep it in. It's killing me. And even if it wasn't, Peter swears that he would," Jake said, following his words with a nervous laugh. It was hard to even get the words out, to find the right thing to say. Stumbling up onto his feet, Chris stepped back, "This really is serious, isn't it?" he asked, scooting back even more as Jake stepped forward. "We've gotten over worse," Jake said, "so I just need you to listen. I want to get it out and I know we're both going to say things that we don't mean. It's how it always is." Chris started shaking, he didn't know whether it was from the cold or from the situation at hand. He glanced towards the house, Maggie and Peter had drawn the gauzy drapes, nothing visible but shadows in the diffused light. He wanted to get out of the cold and away from the trouble; he wanted more than anything to run inside, to just push whatever Jake had to say away and pretend he never heard anything about it. He wanted to escape. "Look at me, Chris," Jake said, a hint of pleading in his voice, you've got to know how hard it is for me to do this. I can't stand hurting you." "Then why do you do it?" Chris asked, voice suddenly harsh, tinged with puzzlement, "why?" The words hit him hard, sharp pangs of pain in his heart. It was bad enough that he couldn't answer, but it worse because he knew that there wasn't one that made any sense. "I don't know," Jake said. It was the truth, finally. Only it wasn't how it was supposed to go, Jake thought. The truth was supposed to make him feel better, but it just made things fuzzier. Chris was mad, he expected that, but he still didn't lay it all out. "But I know that what I did was wrong. I know that now." Chris stood there, silent. Eyes fiery as he took heavy breaths, clouds of steam forming at his lips with each labored exhale. His hands slid into his pockets, shoulders hunched as he fought tears, fought the urge to just charge at Jake and pound his chest with those clenched fists. "Say something, Chris," Jake said, voice pleading, "I don't want to have to spell it all out. I get that you're mad. I know." "What do you want me to say?" Chris yelled, throwing his hands up. Their eyes met, but Chris couldn't bear to see Jake's blue eyes staring into him, begging for an answer, for anything. He tore his eyes away, fixing them on the vague image of the waves crashing onto the beach. "That you know exactly how I feel...that you know what I'm going through, because you do," Jake said, grabbing Chris' wrists and turning him around, forcing their eyes to connect, "you know how hard it is. You know." Chris ripped his hands out of Jake's, stepping back, "I can't...it wasn't. Jake...I," he stuttered, biting his lip to silence his own babbling. Jake stepped into Chris, gathering him up into his arms, "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Chris," he said, voice cracking, "I want you to know that I just made a mistake, Chris. I need you to forgive me." Barely breathing, Chris let Jake's warmth surround him, tears freely falling down his cheeks and onto Jake's sweater, silent sobs falling from his mouth as Jake held his shaking body. He felt like his heart had just stopped, every fiber of himself just stopping, his entire body just filling with a sort of indescribable sadness that he'd never felt before. Jake held him steady, but he was still shaky. Jake was warm against him, but he was still cold. Jake said he loved him, but he didn't feel a thing. *** "This is normally when we stop and I take you on a tour of the facilities," Dr. Riley said, "but you seem to have a longer attention span than most visitors." Jake sat back, running his hands through his hair as he blinked a few times, trying to absorb everything he'd just been told. "I just...I don't know. It's weird finally knowing." "Your situation is unique to say the least," Dr. Riley said, "but from here, you're on the right track. So, let's get some air. Your legs must be numb, stiff if anything." "I can stay put...if it means we'll get through it faster or anything," Jake said, remaining seated, sitting up straighter. "No, we've got to take a break," Dr. Riley said, "so would you like to start with our facilities inside or should we head straight outside?" "I want to keep talking," Jake said, "I want to see him." "I understand," the doctor said firmly, "but you have to understand that right now, Chris is sitting with someone, too. He's talking to someone. He's sorting through this entire experience, beginning to end, and I haven't gotten the signal that he's ready, so we've got time. He doesn't know you're here." "He doesn't?" "If we told him, he'd say exactly what we wanted to hear. He's smart; you know that and we know that." "Yeah, but what if he doesn't want me here? He made that pretty clear. I didn't know he was even here until last week. My sister said that he wrote to her, but she couldn't write to him or call him or anything." "That was completely up to him. He said that he didn't want any distractions and didn't want to seem like a hindrance to the people around him. We respected what he wanted and it seems to have worked. He was focused, driven to recover. He knows what he did was out of character and that upset him. He wanted to go back and with hard work, he's almost there." Jake nodded, sitting back in his chair again, "I don't need the tour. I can just sit here and wait." "Alright then," Dr. Riley said, "we'll keep going." "Wait, I have questions," Jake interrupted, "do those come at the end or can I ask now?" "Anything's fine," he said, "go right ahead." "Did he ever ask about me?" Jake asked, voice slightly meek, jaw tight with nervous energy. The doctor hesitated, "It took a lot to get him to open up--about you especially. It seemed like he felt an obligation to not involve you, but eventually he did ask. He wanted to contact you but at the last minute, he didn't because of something that happened." "And then he didn't want anything to do with me? Or did he just forget? He's not usually like that, or he wasn't, anyway," Jake said, voice trailing. He had so many questions and couldn't really even put one into words. "He actually didn't want to even talk about you," Dr. Riley said, "there was an understanding and we let him take his time. There was some real progress when he knew he could talk about it." "What did he say?" "The important thing is that he got to that point. There's a lot that you have to ask him. The real issue is going to be if he's ready to tell you. He's told us, but that has nothing to do with what happens between the two of you. He says that he's ready, he's said it for a long time, but saying it and doing are completely different." *** Chris woke up, stomach sore from sobbing, wrapped in Jake's limbs. He pulled away, not even trying to make his movements subtle, not caring whether or not Jake felt the cool rush of air when he threw the thick blanket off of himself. He didn't look back as he stepped into the bathroom, he could hear Jake mumble something, hear the bed creak as he stretched. The eyes he met in the mirror were red and dry, tired and strained. He splashed cool water on his face, the shock of it sending every last bit of sleep from his face, but he still felt tired. Tired of crying, tired of practically suffocating in his own thoughts. Who was it? When was it? Why? He didn't know, didn't care, didn't even want to think about it, but no matter what he did, the thoughts kept coming and he knew that Jake wasn't about to sit down and talk about it. He didn't even know if he could sit through it if Jake wanted to. He deserved it, he thought. He'd done it, Jake had thoughtfully reminded him of the fact, but Jake had also implied that they had been under similar circumstances and he couldn't wrap his brain around that concept. The acts may have been the same, but the mindset and the motivation, those had to be different. He just wanted to go somewhere, without Jake, to think about it. But the more he thought about it, the less it made sense. If he could just ignore it, pretend nothing had happened at all, things could just go on and they could be together like they'd been before. "Chris," Jake said softly, hands on Chris' waist as their eyes met in the mirror. His nose ran through Chris' hair, lips softly grazing the back of his neck, "I'm here. For whatever you need, I'm here." "I don't know what I need right now," Chris said, sliding out from under Jake's arms, "I need to think." "Think out loud. I'll listen." Chris' eyes met Jakes, questioning written across his face, "Since when have I done that? I can't even...that's not what we do. I don't know if I even can. With you or anyone." "Try me," Jake said, turning Chris around, their foreheads pressed together. The feelings rushed to him again and he held the tears back, "I don't...I can't stop loving you." "And?" Jake pulled him closer and Chris' breath stalled, his body growing tense. "You fucking broke my heart and I can't even, I still can't imagine not having you. Jake, I don't get it," Chris pulled away again, leaning against the sink, hands running over his face, "I'm fucking asking for this." "It's not like that," Jake said, pulling Chris' hands to his mouth, running smooth fingers over his lips, his stubble, "I don't want you to go, God knows I don't want you to, but if you feel like...I'm...like you're stuck, don't." His voice cracked as he watched Chris' face contort in pain, "I never wanted to hurt you," it was so quiet he didn't know if the words ever left his head. "I have to go," Chris said, taking a deep breath, steadying himself. "What do you mean 'go?'" Jake asked, resisting every urge to grab Chris and hold him, to get him to just stop. "I need to see what the hell is wrong with my book, I need to get out of here. I need to get back into the real world because this paradise sucks," Chris said, "I'm calling Vivian. I'm going to San Francisco. I have to go." "I'll go with you," Jake said, swallowing hard, "anywhere." "Will you? Or will you just say you will and then find something...another movie to distract you?" his words were fast, eyes narrow as Jake felt every single syllable hit him hard. "Chris, that's not fair." "It's not fair, but it's true," Chris said, "I'm not going to run away, Jake. I don't have anywhere to go. You don't have to keep me attached to your hip. I'm okay...I'm okay with everything." "How are you 'okay' if you're acting like this?" "How do you expect me to act? How do you want me to act? Do you want me to congratulate you? Do you want me to give you a pat on the back? You want an award for infidelity?" There it was, infidelity. The word echoed in their ears as Chris stepped back out to the bedroom, wanting more than anything to crawl back into that bed and just cry some more, "Chris," Jake said, running a comforting hand down Chris' spine. He flinched, but Jake held him steady, feeling his body shake. "I'm going with you. I'll go anywhere, I'll do anything, let me show you that I believe in us. I know we can get through this." Chris nodded. He wasn't so sure how Jake could be so confident that they could survive, but deep down, he was the one wondering whether or not it was going to be worth it. "Come on," Jake said, leaning in for a kiss, "show me it'll be okay." Biting his lower lip, he shook his head, "You'll know when everything's okay again." Jake let out a long sigh, "I was tired of being everything people wanted me to be, Chris, you've got to see that. I couldn't be strong for everyone, not all the time. I'm not perfect." "I never asked you to be. Not once." *** "And that trip was the last time you saw him," Dr. Riley said, shutting another folder. "He disappeared," Jake said, "nobody saw him." "What happened there?" Dr. Riley asked, sitting back in his chair, setting his pen down on the desk. "I'm not..." Jake said, hesitating, Chris was the one with the doctors and the answers, not him, but if he was going to get a free session, he'd ride with it, "I think he just got overwhelmed. He lost it all." "Did he really?" "I'm sure that's what he thought," Jake said. "He said that he ran because he needed to get away from the things that were smothering him," Dr. Riley said, "so he said he wanted to get away from publishing, from writing, and from...you." "Does he know how much everyone was worried about him? We're his family, we're all that he's got, so when we don't know, nobody does." "You have to realize that he's not a child anymore," Dr. Riley said, brow furrowing, "that was a big issue that he had to deal with." "We were never patronizing," Jake assured the doctor, "but I guess," he stopped, "I guess he thought we...or I, I guess...could be overbearing." "That's something else to add to the list of things you have to talk about," Dr. Riley said, reaching for his pen again. Jake noticed that it was a sort of security blanket; he held it when he was going to say something serious, put it down when the conversation got lighter, slid his fingers over it as he spoke, whether or not he was planning on writing anything. Jake realized he'd been concentrating so hard that he hadn't even seen if Dr. Riley had written anything at all. "But you said that he asked for a journal when he got here," Jake said, "so he's writing again, right? He has to write." "Right. He writes," Dr. Riley said, "a lot. So that's not an issue. I was never really aware of his work, but I think that he's taken a different approach. But he doesn't say much about you unless he's sort of...we have to persuade him." Jake paused, wasn't quite sure what to say. "Do you think it's a personal issue or is he protecting you? Protecting the two of you?" "I don't know, he just never really ever did. I guess he never got a chance, we're always together; and when we're not, we think about being together." "We talked about that. He's going to take that better now. He's sure." "He won't have to. I don't plan on leaving him alone anymore." "Your optimism is commendable, it'll really help these first few weeks." The phone rang, the loud, brash sound filling up the entire room; Jake almost jumped out of his chair when he heard it, his heart instantly speeding up and his breathing becoming shallow. He could hear his heart in his ears, feel the sweat on his palms. "It's time," the doctor said, not even lifting up the receiver, "are you ready?" *** "I can't believe it," Chris said, throwing his arms up, face a mask of surprise and disbelief, "how could he do this to me?" "Calm down, Chris," Jake said, pushing a hand across his shoulders, "you can't do anything about it right now." "But what did I do? I don't know what happened, I came and I thought that...he slammed the door in my face." "Let's get back to the hotel," Jake said, voice soothing. Chris flinched slightly, body still stiff, but he leaned into Jake again, steadying himself on Jake's frame. "Wait, do you think he's why we couldn't get a room at the Omni? Would he do that?" Chris could feel the panic racing through his body. First Jake, then this, it was like fate was tearing him up bit by bit. There was nothing left though, if one more thing got taken away, he knew he'd fall apart. "Chris, our hotel is fine, they were probably just booked, it's getting close to Thanksgiving and Christmas, you know how that is." "Jake, seriously, I need to know...what the fuck is going on?" Jake grabbed his hands, locking their eyes, "Chris, neither of us know. Freaking out isn't going to help anything." The words seemed to sooth him and even just that little bit seemed to make him want to cling onto Jake for a little bit longer, to draw from the strength that Jake seemed to have an abundance of all the time. "I want to cry," Chris said softly, "but I've been doing a lot of it lately. A lot. Too much." "I know," Jake said softly, "let's get back and you can think long and hard, call someone. It's not like we're up against impossible odds." "How do you know that?" Chris asked, "it seems pretty damn impossible right now." "Because you told me that nothing's impossible." Tears spilled down Chris' face, his breathing labored, face buried in his hands as he sat down on the curb, body shaking. "I don't know what I can do. I feel like we've tried everything." "I'm not giving up on you," Jake said. Chris looked at him long and hard, nodding slowly as he picked himself up off the ground, "I just don't know what we can do. It's like David and Goliath right now." "Then it's not impossible for sure, we just have to find their weak spot." "They've got it covered with money," Chris said, "and that's pretty hard to beat." "You can do it," Jake said, "we can do it." "This isn't a movie or a story, we don't know that." "Yes I do. I know for sure that things are going to be okay." Chris sped up his steps. Optimism was one thing, it had its time and place, but he couldn't stand to hear any more of Jake's happy-go-lucky comments if he wasn't going to substantiate any of them. "Chris," Jake said, "look at me." "I can't, Jake," Chris said, "not right now. You're not getting it." "I'm not getting what? This isn't hopeless." "To you it might not be, but what else do I have? I can't pretend this isn't happening, I can't hope for a happy ending. I have to fix this or it'll happen again next time. I can't just be selling books up and down the Eastern seaboard, I need to figure out what I did to piss these people off." "You'll have me," Jake said, turning him around by the shoulder, "I'm not going anywhere, I've told you that before." "Fuck, Jake, I don't even have you sometimes," Chris said, eyes narrowing, "you can't possibly think that I don't still think about what you did. I thought things were going okay. I was dong everything that I had to do to keep us from going crazy." "I told you, I don't know what was going on there," Jake's voice was stern, forced. He didn't want to talk about it anymore, not that they'd done much talking about it at all. "Fine. Let's get back to the hotel, I have to think about this some more." "You just need some sugar in your system. Let's find a bakery or something, I'll get you a cupcake," Jake said, his voice softening, trying his best to be calm." "Stop trying to make it better like that. We need a real answer." "We're not going to get one anytime soon, Chris. I'm just trying to make it better for now, because that's all we can do." *** Jake's heart was racing, "Is he coming here? Are we meeting him somewhere else?" He smoothed his shirt again, swallowing hard as his words seemed to mash together, confusion and anticipation dripping from every single word. "He'll be here," Dr. Riley said, "but remember, he doesn't know that you're here. We're going to talk for a little, you'll get a chance to ask me anything with him here, he'll get to ask me whatever he needs to ask, then you'll get some time together by yourself." Jake nodded, nervously chewing on his thumbnail, "Jesus." His tried to calm down, "And he'll get to go home today?" "It's all up to him, everything from this point on. We've done everything that we can do for him. If he thinks that he needs more help here, then we're not going to let him go." Images broke through the dam Jake's mind had constructed, pictures he tried this best to forget about, Chris' innate innocence, his quiet confidence, the way he looked in the morning when those brown eyes fluttered open, a content smile on his face like he'd just woken up from the most amazing dream to find that it had come true, the messy locks of his hair, the warmth of his skin, every single detail rushed into his head again and he thought he'd be smothered by it all. Taking a deep breath, he shook his head, body tingling with the knowledge that it had been five months. He'd lost Chris for five months and now, Chris would be back. "Okay, what if he freaks out and doesn't want to see me?" "He said he was ready," Dr. Riley said, "you wouldn't be here if he didn't." Jake heard footsteps in the hallway, they'd probably been going this entire time, but now that he was expecting something, he seemed to be supersensitive to it all, his head shot to the door, "I don't know if I'm ready." "You've got a few minutes, he's probably coming from another building," Dr. Riley said, "you've got some time to collect yourself." Jake ran his hands over his face, "Do you have some water? I need something to..." Jake didn't know what to say, he just had so much energy in him right then, needed to do something with it. Dr. Riley looked up at the door and Jake's head shot around, breaths stalling completely as he saw Chris swing the door open, the same Chris he'd dreamed about every night, same messy brown hair, same smile, same everything. Their eyes met and Jake watched as he froze, still only halfway in the office, the expression on his face vague and unclear, even to Jake. *** Jake wrapped his arms around Chris, feeling how stiff and tense he was. His lips skimmed the back of Chris' neck, feeling him relax the tiniest bit, "Forget about it, just for a little," Jake whispered, "I can't stand seeing you like this." Chris leaned back, settling into Jake's arms, feeling the strong muscles of Jake's chest against his back, "I don't know if I can," Chris said, "I just got so used to everything working itself out. I don't want this to be the one time things fall apart." Jake turned him around, pulled him down onto the stiff sofa, bringing their lips together in a soft collision, "I love you," Jake whispered, like those three words would bring everything around, like they contained some sort of magic. He felt Chris soften, mouth opening slightly as he steadied himself on top of Jake, hands clutching at Jake's shoulders, mouth soft and warm against Jake's, the tips of their tongues sliding together. Cautious hands slid up Chris' back, Jake not sure where this was leading, not sure if it was the right thing to do--distract Chris with something they both admitted erased their minds of everything but the task at hand--but Chris' hands lips were eager, the warmth of his body irresistible, and Jake needed it too. He had to forget about everything, get to that place where his head was cloudy, everything fuzzy but Chris. "Jake, I need you," Chris whispered, voice cutting through the sound of their heavy breaths, "fucking need you in me now." "Chris," Jake gasped, feeling Chris' hand on his hard cock, rubbing it though his jeans, fingers gripping his throbbing shaft, "we've got time." "I don't care. Get your cock in me," Chris said, pulling his jacket off. He was straddling Jake, hands working on Jake's hoodie before it even hit the ground, lips attaching to Jake's neck. He needed Jake to take him to that place where he didn't have to think about anything, where he just soaked in the feelings and saw stars even with his eyes closed. Chris pulled Jake up, pushing the shoulders of his sweater halfway off, their bodies twisting together, Jake tingling from his ears to the tips of his toes as Chris' nipped at the magic spot under his ear, his hands running down Jake's chest, spreading shivers through Jake's body, even through the fabric of his t-shirt. Jake watched as Chris' hands moved lower, unbuttoning his jeans with practiced precision, his cock already hard and dripping. "God," Jake groaned, feeling Chris' fingers wrap around his dick, his eye slamming shut as Chris' fingers stroked him, their bodies heaving through the layers and layers of clothes. His hands moved to Chris' hips, thumbs hooking into his belt loops, "These have to come off," he panted, fumbling with the button of Chris' jeans. Shocks shot through his body, every nip at his neck, every stroke on his cock sent his head spinning. "Get up," Jake said, pushing Chris softly, bringing their lips together again even as Chris moved off of him; Chris undid his own jeans, Jake pushing him down onto the couch, yanking them down and exposing his ass, a jolt racing through his body as Jake's hands pushed his clothes up and his tongue ran down his spine. "Fuck Jake," Chris groaned, Jake's tongue circling his hole, his own head resting on the back of the couch as he concentrated on breathing, his entire body shivering as Jake's finger joined his tongue, circling and teasing, slowly sliding inside the tight channel. Jake's scratchy stubble mixing with the heat and slipperiness of his tongue drove Chris crazy, bringing him closer and closer to orgasm, his head spinning and his pulse racing. Stroking his cock, smearing pre-cum down his length, Jake steadied himself on his knees, pulling Chris' pants down a little lower, trying to spread his legs. Breathing heavily, Jake ran his hand over the smooth skin of Chris' ass, a shock running through him as he was reminded of the tight warmth of Chris' hole. He couldn't get back there soon enough. He slid another finger in, feeling Chris stiffen above him, saw every muscle tense and instantly relax as he jabbed at Chris' prostate. A string of grunts spilled from Chris' mouth and he pushed back on Jake's fingers. Jake dropped his own cock and reached around, feeling how hard Chris was, cock thick and pulsing, jumping and releasing a pearl of pre-cum every time Jake grazed his prostate. "What the hell are you waiting for?" Chris groaned, looking over his shoulder at Jake's hungry eyes just in time to see Jake licking his lips, lining every thing up behind him. Jake's forehead was beaded with sweat, breaths heavy as he slid his hand over Chris' ass, gripping his hip with one hand, the other holding the base of his cock. Just seeing him, jacket half-off, t-shirt dotted with sweat, skin flushed as he gazed down at Chris, unabashedly taking in everything from his kiss-swollen lips to the pale skin of his ass. "Fuck, Chris," Jake gasped drawing out every word, "this is...goddamn." He slid the head of his cock in, breaching tight muscle and watching the reaction all over Chris' body, his head falling slack and his muscles tensing, visible even under his clothes. Jake paused, just the head of his cock in Chris' hole, both of them frozen, breaths labored, bodies tingling all over, neither one sure whether moving or staying just like that would be better. Chris decided for the both of them, shoving back hard, impaling himself on every inch of Jake's cock, a low, deep groan coming from both their throats, Chris shaking hard under Jake's hands, a single tear falling from his eye as he steadied himself against the couch. He wiped it away, the pain coursing up his spine as he breathed hard, Jake turning his head around and bringing their lips together, "Are you okay?" Jake whispered, tongue flicking out to trace Chris' earlobe, "you're... it's not too much?" His words were strained, tight and choked as he kept rested his forehead against Chris' damp hair, hands sliding up to grip Chris' shoulders. He shook his head, not trusting his own words, encouraging Jake to thrust, to push him out of reality with a squeeze of his asshole, a long grunt coming from Jake's mouth, reverberating in his ears as Jake pulled out quick and shoved in even faster, his head flying back, a silent groan filling the room. Jake bit his lip, soaking in the sensation, every last inch of his cock engulfed in warmth and tightness, every move sending a jolt through Chris' body, both of them sweating through their clothes, feeling fabric against skin in one place, skin against skin in another, both of them moving together with ease, the motions effortless, instinctual. Jake gripped Chris' shoulders, using the leverage to push deep and hard, feeling Chris push forward on the couch, their bodies moving together until his chest was pushed up against the back, hands free to stroke his cock and reach around to grab Jake's neck, to feel the warm skin, strained muscles, tiny drops of sweat on his fingertips. Jake's thrusts were smooth and long, the head of his cock sliding across Chris' prostate with every move, pre-cum slicking every motion as they both barreled towards orgasm, unfettered emotions driving them forward, neither of them able to resist the urge, needing to shoot, the hot, dirty fuck shaking both of them to their bones. Chris' hand moved fast on his own cock, motions choppy as he took every one of Jake's thrusts, waves of sensation washing over him, tingles and shocks erupting all over his body. The heat, the clothes, the way they were close but barely even touching, knowing and feeling all that, it was getting him closer and closer, he attached his lips to Chris' neck, fingers tangling in Chris' hair, pulling his head so that their lips came together again, his tongue hungry this time, mimicking his thrusts, fighting for dominance in Chris' mouth, needing to get as much of a connection as he could through the layers of fabric and emotion. Chris pulled his lips from Jake's nipping his upper lip as he panted, body jerking as he shot, ropes of cum splattering on the back of the couch, Jake's body freezing inside him, basking in the constrictions, the sporadic pressure clutching at his length, his body shaking, arms wrapped around Chris' chest now, his own jaw quivering as he bit his lip, concentrating on the squeeze on his cock, the tingle in his balls. He ran his hand down to join Chris' lazily stroking the last vestiges of cum from Chris' cock, sending the last shakes of orgasm through Chris' body as eh thrust again, another groan coming from Chris' lips, his back arching, head resting on Jake's shoulder. Lips hungry, nipping at Chris' neck, hands sliding down to grip Chris' waist, Jake spread his legs as best he could, his thrusts shallow but strong, punctuated with low grunts. Chris' hands gripped the back of the sofa, knuckles white as he braced himself for Jake's inevitable orgasm, his body all at once slack and stiff, his eyes shut, flashes of light on his eyelids, spasms shaking his body as Jake's pace remained unchanged, every push and pull measured, controlled chaos in his every move. His hot exhales blew across Chris' ear, his groans choked as Chris felt his thrusts get erratic, short and shallow, deep and fast, slow and lazy, all combining in Chris' head and his body, senses spinning out of control as his cock swelled to life again, Jake's fingers sliding over his shaft, slippery with cum, aching to shoot again. "Jake," Chris choked out, voice hoarse and dry, swallowing hard, "I fucking need to cum again." Jake stopped for a millisecond, holding Chris tight and shoving in with every last vestige of energy, both their bodies racked with shivers, rigid as Chris shot again, a deep groan coming from his mouth, every muscle constricting, Jake holding him tight as he shot, long streams of cum flying into Chris' hole, the clutching muscle ripping an orgasm from his body, his tired muscles all filling with a sudden burst of energy, Jake pulling Chris' body down, down aside his on the cushions of the couch, both their breathing shallow, Chris' eyes glazed and his mouth agape wiping the sweat from his brow before he pulled Jake into one more kiss, slow and patient, lips sweet and salty, fingers pushing Jake's sweat-soaked hair back, "Fuck these clothes," Jake said softly, a slight grin on his lips, a lazy chuckle against Chris' cheek. Chris mumbled an incoherent response, settling in the angles of Jake's body, his hand sliding over Jake's slick cheek, lips on Jake's neck. Jake pulled him tight, running a slow stroke over Chris' hair, glad to see the look of contentment on his face, comforted in the fact that Chris was definitely not thinking about anything but what they had together. Letting out one last long breath, Jake shut his eyes, shut out the world, went to that place where there was just him and Chris--his dreams. *** "Jake," Chris said softly, shutting the door and leaning against it, their eyes still connected, both of them looking for the next thing to say. "I...wow." His face softened and his breaths came short and shaky, "I can't believe it." Jake got out of the chair and rushed to him, arms wrapping around him, eyes shutting tight as he was just flooded with memories. "Damn it, Chris," Jake whispered, holding him as tight as he could, "I never thought I'd see you again. I was so scared." "I never meant to scare you," Chris said, "I needed to get through this." "And you did," Jake said, "and now things are going to be back to the way they were, it'll be like when we just met, the two of us and the beach, just sitting around the house together, I promise." Chris nodded, loving the picture in his head even though he knew it was just that, a daydream. It sounded so good, though. "I missed you," he said. "Have a seat," Dr. Riley said, "both of you." He had a huge smile on his face, his heart swelling just seeing how happy the two of them looked, both tinged with trepidation at first, but both getting right past it and going right into the way Chris had described their relationship to him. "Ready to go home?" Jake asked, eyes still locked on Chris, the room melting away, the doctor disappearing. Chris nodded, nervous energy coursing through his body, "I never stopped loving you." "Chris, you're ready to go," Dr. Riley interrupted, reluctantly smashing the reverie, "I want to tell you, on behalf of your entire team, that we're proud of you. You've come all the way from the very bottom. I thought I needed to ask you guys some questions, but seeing you together is enough. This is the right direction." "It would have killed me to see you and not have you come home," Jake said, leaning closer to Chris, fighting every urge to just leap over the arm of his chair and just kiss him, "we all miss you. Everyone." "Chris, take Jake around, you two have a lot to catch up on. We'll take care of your paperwork and give you back everything that you had with you when you were admitted. Do you want us to call Mr. Grace?" "Topher?" Jake asked, his head whipping around to Dr. Riley. He could feel the blood rushing to his face, fingers tightening into fists. "Christopher," he said, "but I guess he could go by 'Topher.'" "I'll tell you about it," Chris said, "he got me here. Without him, I'd...I don't want to think about where I'd be." "I recommend the lily pond, Chris, I've been hearing good things about it," Dr. Riley said, "and take your time." Chris started to get out of his chair, nodding, "Jake, I didn't think you'd come for me," Chris said softly, wrapping his arm around Jake's waist, "I thought I'd have to start all over." A few minutes later, they were out by the pond, the sound of rushing water and birds in the air, the cool breeze blowing across their skin as Jake held Chris, reluctant to lose any contact, "I'm sorry," Jake said, pulling Chris to him, their foreheads coming together, a shiver running down Jake's spine just feeling the familiarity of it all rushing back to him. "It's not your fault," Chris said, voice steady, measured and even. "Yeah, it is." "No, I did this to myself," Chris said, "you didn't make me do anything." "You wouldn't have ifÉ" Chris' head shot back, intense eyes meeting Jake's; "I just spent three months in there, Jake. Ninety-two days of people telling me to take responsibility for what I did," he paused, taking a deep breath, "I did it to myself. It took me fifteen days to admit it. Thirty sessions. You didn't shove the needle in my arm. I did." His eyes began to tear, but he didn't move. Jake didn't know whether to let him ride it out or to hold him, not sure where he stood in the grand scheme of things anymore. He ran through everything he'd been told by Dr. Riley, but couldn't put anything together. "I did the drugs, I fucked up. I was too weak to deal with the problems, I had to get away and I just got...lost." "Chris," Jake whispered, stepping closer to him, hand reaching up to Chris' shoulders, steadying his shaking body, "I just need you to know that things are going to be okay. I'm going to make sure. We'll stick to everything the doctor said and we'll get through this. We're going to get through this together." "I was so scared," Chris said, "I lost you and I lost my writing and we could do anything about it and I just felt like everything I needed was gone. I needed to forget." Jake shushed him, holding him tight, "It's over. That's all over. Now it's me and you. I'm not losing you again." "Tell me you love me," Chris whispered. "I'll do better than that," Jake said, bringing their lips together, Chris' arms coming back up to his shoulders, Jake's hands on his back, right back to the way they were before all of this ever happened. "Is this going to be a normal thing now?" Chris asked, lips running over Jake's jaw, hands reacquainting themselves with his shoulders, his chest, everything that was so familiar once all rushing back to him. "I wanted to look like someone who could take care of you," Jake said, "give it a day, it'll be back in no time." "It's okay," Chris whispered, "I just need you." --- feedback? Christopherrluu@gmail.com