Date: Sat, 23 Dec 2006 00:02:38 -0800
From: christopher. <christopherrluu@gmail.com>
Subject: breaking through part 32

Usual disclaimers apply, this is all fiction.  No implications are made
about the celebrities mentioned.  This is intended for adults, so if you're
not allowed to read this, don't do it.

Author's Note: head on over to the Gyllenhaal Chronicles site for the
latest on this story and the other Jake stories on Nifty.  It's a great
place and I'm really grateful for all the people I've met there.  Sign up
at http://groups.msn.com/TheGyllenhaalChronicles/_whatsnew.

A special thanks to everyone who's written to me from the very beginning
and to those just starting. I know that the story's taken a lot of twists
and turns, good and bad, but thank you so so much for sticking with me
through it all.  As always, e-mail can be sent to christopherrluu@gmail.com
or on MSN messenger with that same e-mail address.  I'm on all the time,
don't be afraid to drop me a quick message.

Award winner for "Best Non-Boy-Band Story Award" at Nifty's Boy-Band Awards
for 2006.

Happy Holidays.

Part XXXII

     Chris sat down on the bed, staring down at his half-packed suitcase,
letting out a long, drawn out sigh.  Being at home spoiled him.  It was
inevitable to have to be packing again, to have plane tickets sitting on
his desk.  It wasn't that he hated going places; as long as he was with
Jake, he loved it.  But San Francisco wasn't as happy as it used to be.  He
could feel his stomach knot just thinking about going back.  But the
Clarksons were there, and they held the key to distribution along the
entire Pacific coast.  He threw another sweater into the open suitcase and
kicked it shut, shaking his head.  He had to get his head away from
everything having to do with Alec, his mom, and the entire city of San
Francisco.  What was once filled with only happy memories only made him
want to cry--again.

     Walking into the kitchen, Boo trotting behind him, he glanced out at
the rain, clouds gray and leaden; it looked like the entire world was heavy
and weary right along with him.  He nodded slowly, running his hands across
the chilly granite counter.  Boo pawed at his leg and he looked down, eyes
greeted with Boo's wide grin, eyes pleading for attention.

     "You okay?" Jake asked, stopping in the doorway, empty coffee mug
hanging from his finger.  He ran his other hand through his messy hair, his
rumpled t-shirt riding up slightly, giving Chris the tiniest peek of bare
stomach.

     "No," Chris said, "I can't do this."

     Jake's face wrinkled, concern darkening his features, "Yes you can,"
he said, pulling Chris into his arms, "I know you can."

     Boo hopped up against his leg again, curled tail wagging, almost
urging Jake's words on into Chris' head, "You think I can do anything.  You
always have."

     "Because you can," Jake whispered, holding Chris tight, "no more
crying, remember?  You said so."

     Chris nodded, burying his nose in Jake's shoulder and holding on to
him tight, "I don't want to, but it happens...and I don't know what to say
or what to do.  It's like I'm going up there without anything at all."

     "You've got your brain, Chris," Jake said, "it's all you need.  He
doesn't have what you do."

     "I want to just...I just wish he would leave me alone," Chris groaned,
settling into Jake's embrace, letting the entire world melt away the way it
only did when Jake held him like this, "then I really could do anything."

     "I'll be there," Jake said, rocking their bodies slightly, "not right
there with you, but I'll be there."  He could feel Chris relaxing, both of
them settling down just a little bit, basking in the comfort and warmth.

     "You smell like our bed," Chris whispered, hearing Jake chuckle just a
little, "it's a good thing, trust me."

     Jake's hands slid down Chris' back, fingertips hooking in the back of
his shorts, "Let's get you to smell like the bed, too," he said, pulling
Chris' lips to his own.  He didn't know what would happen in San Francisco,
but he knew for a fact that if he feigned this confidence, Chris could feed
off of it and really do anything.  It wasn't just something Jake's said,
even though he knew that was all Chris thought it was, Jake really did
believe it.

***

     "Atticus," Chris said, "come inside."  He paused, ears perked as he
gazed down the street, posture strong and confident.  It was obvious which
dog seemed to be whose.  "Come in," Chris said, a little more sternly as he
opened the door wider, "come on."

     The dog let out a wide lazy yawn before trotting back inside.  He was
stubborn just like Jake was, Chris thought, rough around the edges just
like Jake, too.  He patted Atticus' head, and cooed a soft "Good boy,"
before he shut the door.  The sun was setting, sky ablaze in colors, but
Chris stayed in, tried to get away from the passing time because he hadn't
finished packing yet.  He could picture the plane tickets sitting on his
desk, right next to his computer, where he'd written a fevered short story
earlier, rage filling his entire body as his thoughts just spilled out.
Alec seemed to bring out the worst in him: fear, self-doubt, and anger.
The more he thought about it, the more he noticed that Alec pushed hard
without much effort at all.  His famous last name with its clout in the
publishing world was enough to send a chill down Chris' spine.  If Alec and
his mother could screw up his entire West Coast book supply, he wondered
what else they could do.

     The two of them walked down the hall, Chris poking his head into
Jake's office, his eyes scanning the desk to find it empty, automatically
jumping to the sofa to see Jake, asleep with Boo on the floor beside him.
Chris scratched Atticus' one floppy ear, quietly stepping into the room and
sliding up onto the couch, Jake letting out a soft him, hands sliding
around Chris' back, his eyes still closed.

     "We should get going," Chris whispered, "I change my mind."

     "What...what do you mean?," Jake asked, nuzzling into Chris' neck,
"tomorrow morning."

     "Let's drive up," Chris said, lips grazing Jake's ear, "so I can
think.  We can think on the way up there."

     Jake finally opened his eyes, still disoriented, "You're not kidding,
are you?"

     Chris let out a nervous chuckle, looking away for just a second,
Jake's fingers tangling in his hair and bringing their eyes together again,
"I don't know what I'm going to do up there," he said softly, "it's
like...I don't even know."

     "You're scared," Jake said, pulling their bodies together tightly.

     "No shit," Chris said, turning away again.  This time, Jake's hand
guided his head to his chest, their bodies settling together, "What am I
supposed to do?"

     Jake was silent.

     "Are you packed?"

     Jake nodded, "We can drop the dogs off.  We'll go."

     Chris let out a shaky breath, not sure whether he wanted his way or
not.  It was sudden, it was definitely scary and right then, the four-hour
drive seemed like it wouldn't give him any ideas at all.  "It's probably
cold up there."

     "He's nothing to be scared of," Jake whispered, "he's nothing."

     Jake pushed himself up, Chris scrambling off of him, suddenly aware of
the severe gravity of everything.  He had ideas in his head for his next
book, he just didn't know if it was worth even trying with him being on the
Clarksons' blacklist.  It seemed like even his ideas seemed to be cowering
in the shadows of privilege and influence.  "I'm so scared," Chris said,
getting up.  Boo hopped to his feet, scampering around Chris' ankles.

     "I know you are," Jake said, running his hands over his sleepy face,
"I'm scared, too, don't get me wrong."  He finally broke through the false
confidence, wondered if the truth might be a little more powerful than the
facade he'd hid behind for the past few days, "But you'll make it and we'll
make it, I'm sure.  Good guys win, that's how it works."

     "We're not in a movie," Chris said, biting his lip as Jake came up
behind him, strong arms wrapping around him again, "things might not turn
out."

     "They will," Jake paused, fishing for the right words, "you just have
to trust yourself."

***

     Chris' eyes were fixed on the window, watching the alternating scenery
of almond orchards and cow pastures.  His eyes darted to the clock every
few minutes, his head still empty.  Jake wasn't saying much, the radio low
and insignificant, the silence between the two of them deafening, Chris'
mind darting from here to there faster than he could keep up with.  Nothing
coherent even formed, frustration the only constant in his brain.  He felt
Jake reach over and squeeze his hand, "We're almost there, Chris.  Ideas?"

     "What?"  Chris asked, jarred back to reality, "there are still cows
and stuff."

     "The windmills are coming up," Jake said, pointing at the horizon,
"you've got an hour."

     Chris felt a chill run down his back.  "Shit, I'll do anything to get
them to like me again.  I can't handle this."

     "You just need to talk to him," Jake said, fingers gripping Chris'
trembling hand.  Jake couldn't think of anything Alec could do that Chris
couldn't handle, now especially.  If Chris really did hit the bottom the
way he'd said, Alec would have to kill him to get anything else out of him.

     "Goddamn," Chris said, almost jumping off of the seat.  He struggled
to get his phone out of his pocket, the ringing and vibrating only making
it worse.  He flipped it open without even looking at it, "Hello?" he said,
his voice shaky, both hands on his phone as he settled back down into his
seat.  Jake's brow furrowed, but he kept his eyes forward, didn't know who
could be calling Chris when everyone knew how crazy things were.

     "What are you going to get me for Christmas?" Jake heard, the voice's
distinct sound and lilt bringing a smile to his face.

     "Abby," Chris said, chuckling, "you little brat.  I'm not telling
you."

     "Christopher," she whined, bringing a fit of laughs to both Jake and
Chris, "I got your letter and you said that if I was good, you'd tell me."

     "Have you been good?" Chris asked.

     "Yes," she said.  Jake could almost see her lips pout, "my favorite
presents are always from you."

     "To tell you the truth," Chris said, "me and Jake haven't even started
shopping.  We've been really busy."

     The truth seemed to assuage her and Jake heard a long sigh, "Okay,"
she said, drawing the word out, "I didn't mean to be a brat."

     "I was just kidding," Chris said, "you know I love you."

     "I love you, too," Jake said.  Chris heard Abby burst into a fit of
giggles, her sweet voice echoing in Chris' heart and his ears.

     "We'll see you for Christmas," Chris said, "we've got some stuff to
take care of before then--and then we'll have time to go shopping and I'll
get you the best present ever.  I promise."

     "Did you like the letter that I sent you?"

     "Loved it," Chris said, "it's up on our fridge."  He could feel the
tears pricking at his eyes, hearing how much she seemed to need him, how
she made it sound like the whole world revolved around their little
friendship, it threw him faster and harder than he could handle.  "I love
you so much, kiddo.  Thanks for that picture."

     "Are you okay," Jake asked, grabbing Chris' hand again.  He knew the
exact picture Abby had sent: he, Chris, and Abby, all in their pajamas,
hair messy and smiles wide as they sat together, a cocoa-foam moustache on
all three of their lips.  Chris fell to his knees when he opened the
envelope, Jake remembered, body racked with sobs.  He thought Chris was
feeling some sort of withdrawal, but he was relieved to find that it was
just the rush of emotions that had gotten to him.  "Let me talk to her."

     Chris handed Jake the phone, wiping tears from his eyes with the back
of his hand, blurry vision focusing on the brassy grass outside the car
window.  "Goddamn it," he whispered, "fucking drugs."

    "Be a good girl for us, okay?" Jake said, pulling the car over, "we'll
see you soon.  Chris loves you a lot, kid, we both do."

     Hands fumbling, Chris opened the door, feeling the winds whip around
him, his arms instantly wrapping around his own body.  He crouched down
beside the car, tears freely flowing from his face, deep sobs shaking his
entire body.  Jake shut his door and slowly paced around the car, crouching
down next to Chris, fingers running through his hair, angling his face so
that their eyes met, blue and brown.  "I'm a mess," Chris said, "I can't do
this."

     Jake didn't say anything, just listened to the wind and the creaky
metal of the windmills, the wailing of the high winds.  "Chris," he said,
every word slow and measured, even and soft, "that's what you have to lose.
People depend on you for things like that more than your writing.  Aaron
and Abby, Peter and Maggie, they need you.  I need you."

     "I need you," Chris said, falling into Jake's arms.  He cried into
Jake's shoulder, hating the fact that he couldn't even muster the strength
to compose himself on the phone.  Jake just held him, not saying a word,
the three he had just said screaming in his head.  He needed to be strong
for Jake and for everyone, because he realized in that very second that
people depended on him the way he depended on them.  "How much more?"

     "An hour," Jake whispered, a soothing hand running over Chris' cheek,
"but you've got time.  All the time you need."

***

     "He's probably talking to him right now," Jake said, running his
fingers over the smooth fabric of the couch.  He fiddled with the paper in
his hand, Chris' narrow and practically perfect penmanship on the creamy
Four Seasons stationary.  "But believe it or not, Grace is up here.  He's
got to have the luckiest timing of anyone I know."

     "You guys are going to get through this," Maggie's soothing voice
said, the miles between them not taking away anything from her distinctly
calming tone, "this is nothing."

     "I know we will.  He doesn't," Jake said, "he just needs to do it.  As
soon as he gets over this, he'll see it how I do."

     "You two deserve to be happy," Maggie said, "I've said that since the
beginning.  He's what you need and every time you guys get into some
trouble, you've got to see it.  How good does it feel to just wake up and
have nothing happen all day?"

     "It's the best," Jake sighed, leaning back against the couch, eyes
focusing on the ceiling.  He ran his hand over his chin, two days of
stubble rough against his fingers, "I'm done with this.  I want him to
write.  I want to do my thing and I want the two of us to just be."

     "Good luck with that," Maggie said, sarcasm heavy, "Aaron loves you,
Peter, too.  Call me when you're done.  I want you boys out here for
Christmas."

     "We'll be out there whether we're done or not," Jake said, "love you."
He tossed the phone onto the couch, running his hands over his face.  Chris
had left only fifteen minutes ago and he already felt alone.

     Pacing around the sofa, Jake let out a long sigh.  He felt helpless,
Chris was out in the big bad world and he couldn't do anything to help at
all.  He gazed out the window, fog just starting to roll out, sun trying
its best to burn it off before it retreated.  He could see why Chris loved
the city so much.  It was beautiful, everyone walked everywhere, and there
were almost as many bookstores as coffee shops.  He ran his fingers through
his hair, shaking his head, trying to get all the jumbled thoughts in
order.

     Jake picked up the phone, not even hearing a ring before the concierge
picked it up, "Do you guys have a florist downstairs?" Jake asked.

     "We can get you whatever you need, sir," came the voice on the other
line, "how can we help you?"

     "White...shit, they're probably out of season," Jake said, biting his
lower lip, "I'm going to go look for them, never mind."

     He hung up the phone abruptly, not sure why his body suddenly felt
full of energy, every nervous bit of his body coming together.  He pulled
off his shirt as he walked to the bathroom.  A shower would calm him down,
and if that didn't, a walk outside would.  He pictured the worst as he
lathered up, Chris breaking down, closing up, going to every extreme to get
back into the publishing world.  He'd worked hard from the very beginning
and Jake couldn't stand seeing him grasping at straws every time he wrote
something.  What was the point, after all, if he didn't know whether or not
people would get to read it?  Jake managed to get into Chris' heart, but
with every passing day, he felt like even though Chris was opening up more
and more to him, the rest of the world was getting pushed further and
further away.

     Jake shoved his hands into his pockets as he walked down towards the
farmer's market, hair still damp from his shower, chilling him straight
down his spine.  It was colder than it looked from the hotel balcony, both
he and Chris spoiled by the constant sunshine of Santa Barbara.  They'd
left it raining; hopefully, they'd come back to the sunshine.

     Scanning the different stands, he wished they had a kitchen in the
suite.  Everything looked so fresh and colorful, he couldn't help but touch
and smell, every sensation reminding him of something he and Chris had done
together, could do together.  He smelled the flower stand before he saw it,
the powdery floral aromas drawing him to the vibrant blooms, but he
immediately started his search for Chris' favorite white peonies.  His eyes
darted around nervously, his head instantly recalling the picture they'd
found in the storage unit, Chris' mom sitting on a bench, a huge bush of
blooming peonies behind her, a baby on her lap and a smile on her face.  It
was no wonder Chris liked the big white flowers so much.  They always had
to buy one when they saw them at the flower shop back at home.  It wasn't
that they were rare, they were just always such a nice surprise.

      But today, there were none.  He hoped Chris was having more luck.
Crestfallen, Jake let out a long breath, shoulders hunched as he walked
around the different vendors.  Suddenly, nothing seemed as beautiful or
delicious.  He checked his phone, and like his search for the peonies, he
came up empty handed.  He'd give anything to know what was going on, and
he'd give anything all over again just to make sure Chris was happy.

***

     "We're not going to find them," Topher said, "as much as I want to,
we've been to six or seven places already."

     "Chinatown will have some, I'm sure," Jake said, "and I think it's
just that way."  He pointed down a street, face unsure.

     "He doesn't really need flowers, Jake," Topher said, pushing Jake's
hand down before shoving his cold hands into his coat pockets, "he's never
been like that."

     "I know, but I want him to have something nice...just in case."

     Topher smiled, shaking his head slightly, "No wonder he talks about
you the way he does," he said, "trust me, telling him that we just went to
all those places would make him just as happy.  He doesn't want you running
around the city for something that won't last more than a week."

     "I feel like I can't do anything to help him, Grace," Jake said, eyes
turned to the floor, his shoulders slumped slightly, "and the more I think
about it, the more obvious it is that there's not much he can do either."

     Lapses in Jake's composure and confidence were rare, but Topher had
seen them before, and they always caught him off guard, no matter how far
and few between they seemed.  Whatever animosity Jake felt was long gone
now; Topher felt like things were almost back to the way they were before
everything, when they were still the three young guns that caught
everyone's interest.  Lately, they'd all but disappeared from the public
radar, all three of them and Topher wasn't sure if it was Jake and Chris
really wanted, even though they always wished that they could be normal.
It might have been what they wanted, but it wasn't what they needed if they
wanted to keep doing what they loved.

     "He'll call you when he's done, right?" Topher asked, "is that what
you're waiting for?"

     Jake nodded, the two of them just walking, neither of them knowing
exactly where their steps would lead them, "I hope so," Jake said, "you
never know with him."

     "I might never know," Topher said, "but you do."

     "I could use some coffee," Jake said, head finally perking up again,
"you?"

     "Yeah, let's just chill out," Topher said, patting Jake firmly on the
shoulder, "things are going to turn out.  Happy endings happen to good guys
like you and him."

     "Good guys and happy endings, that's what I told him," Jake said,
grinning, "now I'm the one that needs to hear it."

     "I know you two have been through hell, and I'll be the first to admit
that I wasn't helping the way I should have..."

     "No, you've done way more than nothing.  I owe you big..."

     "Stop," Topher said, "enough of that.  Anyone would have done what I
did.  Nobody owes me anything."

     "It's freezing here," Jake said, wrapping his arms around himself,
"but damn if Chris loves it."

     Topher smiled, "Don't worry about him.  He can take care of himself."

     "I know," Jake said, "I just don't want to see it."

     "He needs you for some things, that's obvious," Topher said, "but he's
definitely standing on his own two feet when it comes to other things."

     "Definitely standing.  A little shaky right now, but he's standing."

***

     Chris reveled in the chilliness, eyes turned upward, skin trying to
soak up the rays of the sun, a contented sigh flowing from his lips as he
walked down the street.  There weren't that many people but the Christmas
shoppers were out, everyone seemed driven and determined.  Chris felt a
strange, questions and emotions swirling in his head--self- questioning,
guilt, fear, happiness, sadness, everything.  Alec was concise, laid out
everything in just a few words, and that was enough to scare Chris; to know
that Alec had obviously thought about it and could almost see his entire
plan out to the very end, that's what really hit him.  Alec was cold and
calculating, completely different from the friendly, welcoming person that
he'd met before.

     It seemed like he was everything his professors had warned him about.
Publishing ms may have seemed to be about talent and the actual writing,
but more often than not, it was about who you knew and who the people you
knew could call for you.  Chris was lucky enough to get past that, but now,
he felt like he was drowning in the obligatory networking.  He'd fallen for
Alec's charm and charisma and now he was paying for it.

     "Jake?" Chris said, eyes scanning him from Nikes to sunglasses; he
didn't know why he did it, he was sure.  He sped up, practically running up
to Jake, "Jake."

     "Jesus, Chris," Jake said, a rush of relief washing over him, "you
didn't call me.  God, what happened?"  His breathing was fast and his eyes
were wide, sunglasses pushed up into his hair he wrapped his arms around
Chris.

     "Staying busy there, Chris?" Topher asked, expression questioning as
his eyes scanned the shopping bags in Chris' hands.

     Jake released him and Chris leaned over and hugged Topher, too, "There
are more photographers here than back in LA," Chris whispered, "I swear
I've been looking as boring as I can for ten blocks now."

     Chris watched as Jake and Topher scanned the streets, sure enough,
they'd developed a blind eye to what Chris couldn't ignore, there were six
or seven within view, but Chris knew that there were always more that
couldn't be seen.

      "Fuck," Jake whispered, slipping his shades back on, "I thought they
stayed down south."  He grabbed half of Chris' bags and folded his arms.
San Francisco used to be a safe haven for them, but Jake should have
guessed that Alec would have sent the dogs out to find them.

     "Christmas shopping," Chris said, "I still have to tell you
everything."

     Topher glanced across the street, the photographer not even hiding
anymore, blatantly clicking as the three of them just stood there, ignored
by most of the passersby.  "Not here," Jake and Topher said, almost
simultaneously.

     "Just tell me if everything's okay," Jake said.

     "He went shopping, I'm sure he's not devastated," Topher said,
slightly annoyed.

     They both looked at him and Chris could feel the color rising to his
face, "I'm still trying to wrap my head around it."

     "Any of this for me?" Jake asked, smiling.  If Chris could ignore it,
then it really wasn't a big deal.  It was the first time all day he felt
relieved, glad that Chris was smiling and talking, that he looked genuinely
sure of how things were going to turn out.

     "Wait...wait wait," Topher said, hands up.  Chris pulled them back
down, motioning across the street, "you went shopping?  Chris, you should
have called Jake or me, we were freaking out."

     "What were you guys doing out here?" Chris asked, "I said I'd be back
at the hotel as soon as I was done."

     "And you got distracted?" Topher asked.

     "I had to get my mind off of what he said; let it sink in."  Topher
seemed genuinely peeved, and Chris wasn't used to that.  It was strange.

     "We all deal with things our own way, Grace," Jake said, "we can keep
talking later."

     Topher's eyes turned to the ground and they started walking.  Chris
could almost see the tension lessen, his shoulders relaxing and his posture
sort of softening as they walked.  Chris knew the city better than either
of them, but he let Jake lead the way.  None of them really talking as
Chris tried to figure out exactly how to tell two people he trusted with
his life that he'd just been backed into a corner and given an ultimatum
with only one real answer.  If Jake could put on a strong front and pretend
nothing was going wrong, he'd have to deal with taking one, too.

***

     Chris pushed Jake's hair back, kissing him on the forehead lightly as
Jake held his hips, thumbs tracing his hipbones, lips at his own neck.
"Can't believe we're here again," Jake whispered, Chris could feel him
smile, his lips curling on the soft skin of his Adam's apple, "just wish
you could enjoy it more."

     "I'm enjoying this just fine," Chris said, pushing his lips onto
Jake's, "can't think of anything that could make it better."

     "I can," Jake said, fingers dipping into the waistband of Chris' loose
pajama pants, "can think of some things that would make it a lot better."

     Chuckling, Chris ran his cheek over Jake's, their smooth skin sliding
together as Jake eased Chris' pants lower, "Let me get those for you," he
whispered, "you get out of those and we'll see just how much better this
gets."  Pulling himself off of Jake, Chris slipped his pants off, pulling
his t-shirt up over his head as Jake did the same, Chris' eyes soaking in
every inch of exposed skin, every muscle and every curve, his hands
helpless, sliding up Jake's chest through soft hair and over smooth skin to
rest on his shoulders, Jake pulling him back down on to the sofa.

     Their bodies moved together, Chris automatically straddling Jake's
hips, their hard cocks rubbing together as Chris' lips found Jake's
forehead again.  Jake's groaned, his hand wrapping around both of their
cocks, his tongue licking hot stripe across Chris' collarbone, slick
pre-cum sliding down both their pulsing shafts.

     Chris groaned, the sound low and grainy as it echoed in Jake's ears.
He stroked faster, grunting as Chris brought their lips together, hands
framing Jake's face, sliding down his jaw to hold on to his shoulders
again, thrusting his hips up hard against Jake's hard cock.  Jake gasped,
Chris' lips right there under his ear, light nips on his skin drawing long
gasps from his lips.

     "Jake," Chris gasped as Jake's finger circled his hole, "fuck, I want
you deep..." his voice shaky, "I want you so deep in me."

     "Fuck, Chris," Jake whispered, "can't stop when you sound like this."
He hoisted Chris up higher, Chris practically diving down onto Jake's lips,
his tongue sliding in just as Jake's finger worked its way into Chris'
hole.  His body stalled, everything electric as Jake slid his fingers in,
knuckles deep, curling just right to send a quake through Chris' entire
body.  Jake groaned at the sight, his fingers reluctant to leave the tight
heat, every tiny movement sending shocks through Chris' body.  "This kills
me, baby..."

     "Don't call me..." Chris groaned, but his objection faded into
incoherent groans and strained attempts at Jake's name.

     "Want to just slide in, Chris...can't wait to fuck you," Jake
whispered, breaths heavy and deep against Chris' ear, his hand gripping
Chris' hip as he felt Chris grip his shoulders knuckles white and tense.

     "Do it," Chris squeezed out, "just get your cock in me."  He threw his
head back, Jake's fingers sliding in and out without much resistance now,
his chute squeezing the digits tight, neck tense as he gripped Jake's face
tight, lips hungry on Jake's again, "Give...give it to me."

     Jake pulled his lips away, attaching his teeth to Chris' collarbone,
fingers slowly sliding out, both hands steadying Chris at his lower back,
"Fuck yeah," Jake rasped out, his cock sliding between Chris' ass cheeks.
He held Chris tight and slipped the head of his dick in, Chris throwing his
head back, long graceful neck stretched out, jaw tight with relief or pain;
both, Jake figured.

     It always felt the same, the way Jake's dick slid into him, the curve
perfect, the angles always just right and Jake's body doing everything
exactly the way Chris needed it to.  Jake settled Chris down slowly, lips
hungry on his neck and hands sliding all over his slick back as Chris
bottomed out, his breathing shaky as he pressed his forehead to Jake's,
"Jake," he groaned, "just like that," nodding quickly, "right there."

    Shaking his head, Jake gripped Chris' hips tightly, biting his lower
lip as Chris rose and fell, jaw slack now, body gleaming in the dim light,
tight heat wrapping around Jake's cock again and again, every bounce harder
and deeper, Jake pushing up every time Chris came down, getting that extra
little bit right up Chris' hole, sending sparks up Chris' spine right out
his throat, guttural grunts filling the room.  Chris leaned down, nibbling
Jake's ear lightly, going lower to suck at the soft skin of Jake' neck,
cheek rasping over sweaty stubble.  "Fuck, I could do this all night,"
Chris groaned, shaky hands sliding across Jake's chest, a grunt flying from
his lips every time Jake pushed up.

     "I can't," Jake groaned, "almost there...fuck you're tight..." With
that, Chris stopped, every inch of Jake deep in him, his eyes locked onto
Jake's, the blue frantic and wide.  Chris shook his head nervously.  Jake
leaned forward, pushing Chris down onto the sofa.  Chest to chest, Jake
thrust hard, every muscle flexing, every push deep and rough.  He strained
to keep from shooting, saw Chris doing the same as he reached his hand down
to stroke Chris' leaking cock.

     "Fuck," Chris yelled, grabbing Jake's wrist, his cum spurting out onto
his chest from even the lightest touch.  Jake watched him tense and relax,
his entire body shaking, felt his hole squeeze, Jake teetering on the edge,
thrusting through the convulsions, cock sliding in and out of Chris' hole,
tighter than before, hotter if it was at all possible.

     Jake's thrusts slowed, every push languid and smooth as he pushed
Chris over, throwing an ankle to his shoulder, kissing the skin lightly as
he thrust deep, drawing more grunts from himself than Chris, still coming
down to reality, Jake's thrusts keeping him from the real world, keeping
him overwhelmed by sensation, incoherent to everything but the body on his,
the dick inside him.  Jake watched Chris' dick stiffen again with every
movement, Chris' body pliant and supple underneath him, his eyes drinking
everything up, the sweat, the long, smooth muscles, labored breathing and
dazed expression.  Everything came together and Jake thrust hard and fast,
leaning down to catch Chris' lips one more time, tongue sliding inside
Chris' mouth, Chris' hands gripping his back tight as he felt Jake cum,
cock shooting cum deep inside his chute, shuddering as the warmth spread
through him.

     Settling down, heart slowing and breathing normalizing as he felt
every individual muscle relax, Jake pulled away, letting Chris' leg slide
down, Jake's lips traveling down his neck, tongue flicking playfully across
a nipple as he caught his breath, Chris' hard cock poking at his chest
before he came face to face with it, hard shaft shiny and slick.  He
licked, tongue painfully slow up the shaft, watching Chris shudder, back
arching, shoulders tight as fingers tangled in Jake's dark, sweaty hair.
Jake swirled his tongue around the head, tip darting out to tease the slit
before he swallowed Chris inch by inch, a bone jarring groan escaping
Chris' mouth when he felt Jake's throat squeeze around him.  A finger slid
into his hole, sure and confident as it prodded his prostate, tongue
working his shaft as Jake sucked and licked, shudders creeping through
Chris' body as he edged closer and closer, another finger going in--then
another, Jake stretching him, practically pushing the cum out of him from
the inside while he sucked greedily on his shaft.

     "Jake," he groaned, over and over, head tossing from side to side.
Jake held him steady, scissoring his fingers and pushing them in and out,
Chris straining to hold on, failing as he shot, thick globs of cum flying
into Jake's throat, hole squeezing Jake's fingers, breaths struggling as
Jake licked him clean, sliding up Chris' body one more time.  Lips
connecting, Chris held him tight, feeling everything relax from his head to
his toes as he came back to earth, Jake's body settling in next to him,
"Chris," he started, stopping as soon as he felt Chris sigh, surrendering
himself to sleep right there.  Jake just held him tight, tangling their
legs together as he rested Chris' head in the crook of his neck.  Daylight
would come too soon; he had to enjoy this while it lasted.

***

     "That's not right," Jake said, "you can't."

     Chris shrugged, "What else can I do?  Jake, he's dead serious."

     Jake grabbed Chris' shoulders, "It's unethical.  I can't even begin to
understand why you think it's okay."

     "Because I don't have any other choice," Chris said, "do you?"

     Sighing, Jake saw his point.  "Doesn't make it right, though."

     Chris pushed his forehead to Jake's, tears threatening to pour down
his face.  He held them in, though, the false courage was getting easier
and easier.  It went against everything he thought he stood for, but when
everything settled, it really was the only answer.  "I probably have
something I can give him.  I won't even have to work on it."

     "Fuck it," Jake said, "this is ridiculous."

     "People have ghostwriters," Chris said, "this is just taking it to the
next level."  He bit his lip, trying his best to keep the tears back,
running through everything he'd written, wondering if there was something
he could bear to part with.  Alec probably wasn't going to be very picky.
Or, he could.  Chris was hoping for the former, but nobody could tell.

     "And if someone asks him about it, he's going to just pull whatever
comes out of his ass?"

     "I'm sure he's not thinking about it that far ahead," Chris said,
walking towards the back yard, "he'll be glad I agreed at all."

     "Stop," Jake said, but Chris kept walking towards his studio, "you
have to think this through."

     "I already did," Chris said over his shoulder.  Jake followed him out,
the warm sun warming both of them in that brief respite, golden yellow
light flooding the yard even though it was almost Christmas.  "I'll give
him something shitty.  Something I'd never use.  At least someone will get
some use out of it."

     "Listen," Jake said, "there's a way to do it.  I don't' know what it
is and you don't know how, but there's got to be someone you can tell.
This isn't fair to you or to anyone else."

     Chris sat down on his desk, looking up at Jake's desperate eyes.  "I
don't know," he said, throwing his hands up.  If he was taking the easy way
out, it didn't feel like it.  "I don't want to, but I don't see anything
else I could do."

     "I don't like you doing this, but that goes without saying," Jake
said, arms crossed over his chest, "it's wrong."

     "I know it is," Chris said, "but sometimes you just have to do things
that are wrong to get to what's right."

     "Fuck," Jake said again, voice low and gruff, "I wish I could do
something."

     "You always do," Chris said, pulling at Jake's wrist.  He took a step
forward and Chris rested his forehead against Jake's chest, "But it'll get
him out of our hair.  We'll be done with him."  Jake's hands were on his
shoulders and Chris could almost hear the wheels in Jake's head turning,
searching desperately for anything else.  The last thing he wanted was
someone else taking credit for something Chris did.  It was just so
blatantly wrong on so many levels that he could hardly believe it was what
Alec really wanted.  It was almost too easy.

      "It better," Jake said, running his hands down Chris' back, pulling
their bodies closer together, "want that asshole out of our lives for good.
I don't care how much good he does from here on out, he's nothing.  He's a
spineless jackass."

     "Stop," Chris whispered, "no more."

     Jake ran his nose through Chris' hair, trying to settle both their
reeling minds, "He'll get what's coming."

     "Stop," Chris said again, "I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Tell me something else.  Anything."

     "The baby probably misses us," Jake said, chuckling lightly, holding
Chris tight, "God, I can't evenÉI'm just...I don't want you doing this."

     "I miss Aaron, too," Chris said, ignoring the Jake's continued
discussion of the more important topic at hand.

     "I love you so much, Chris," Jake said.

     Chris didn't know what to say, just concentrated on the smell of
Jake's body, the way his heart was beating, steadily thumping just inches
from Chris' ear.  Jake was the only thing keeping him going, he didn't know
what he'd be doing if he didn't have that.  "Jake," Chris whispered, "I
wish that was all it took."

***

     "I'll see you in the city," Chris said, smiling, "your city."

     "Dress warm," he heard.  Peter's voice was sweet and clear,
reaffirming everything Chris knew about him.  "Maggie can't wait to have us
all together again.  It's going to be a good Christmas for all of us."

     "Yeah, Aaron's first Christmas," Chris said, "I love all you guys.  As
long as we're all together, it's always good."

     Chris slid his sunglasses on, could still hear Boo barking from inside
the house as Atticus pulled suddenly on his leash.  "Shit," Chris heard,
his eyes darting to the sidewalk.

     "No way," Chris said, frozen.

     "Chris?  Are you there?  Christopher?"  Peter's voice was frantic and
confused now.

     Atticus was growling, his back bristled as Chris pulled back on his
leash, "Easy, boy," Chris said, voice strangely calm.  "Peter, I'll call
you back.  I've got something to take care of."

     "What's going on?  Christopher, who's there?"

     "I'll call you right back, Peter," Chris said again before shutting
his phone and sliding it into his pocket, his movements robotic and his
expression blank.  "What the hell are you doing here?"  Chris asked.
Atticus let out a loud bark, pulling hard on his leash as he growled,
entire body shaking as Chris held him back.

     "Just wanted to check in," Alec said, "see how you were doing."

     Jake shut the refrigerator, glancing at the recipe one more time.
"Mushrooms," he muttered to himself.  He glanced at his watch, Chris
couldn't be past the end of the block, it had only been a few minutes.  He
ran through the house, Boo scampering around his feet as he reached the
front door, flip-flops clapping the hardwood with every step, "Chris?" he
asked one last time to the empty house, his voice booming through the
living room.  He grabbed his sunglasses and slid them up into his hair.

     "Boo," he said, clipping a bright red leash to Boo's collar, "let's go
find your daddy and your big brother."  He glanced out the narrow window by
the door and stepped back right away.  Alec.  His fists balled tight and
his breathing got deeper.  Jake could feel a sweat break out over his
entire body, everything from head to toe filling with a rage he'd never
felt before.  But the picture flashed in his head one more time, Chris
seemed calm; the only one who broke composure was Atticus.  Jake was
shaking just as hard, couldn't believe Chris was out there talking like it
was just anyone.  Jake slid up against the door, watching, wishing he could
hear through the peephole.

     "It's been three days," Chris said, doing his best to keep Atticus
from pouncing on Alec, "what were you expecting?"

     "You've got him trained, right?"

     "Obedience school valedictorian.  He just acts tough," Chris kneeled
down, scratching Atticus' floppy ear.  He could feel Atticus relax, his
hind legs folding into a noble, proud sitting position, "Good dog."  Chris
stood up, Atticus' eyes still locked on Alec.

     "Listen, I don't want to come off like I probably am, but this
shouldn't seem the way it does."

     "You're not making any sense," Chris said, expression blank.  He
didn't know what to feel.

     "I don't want to look like the bad guy.  I just needed a little help."

     "You are the bad guy," Chris said calmly, "you're asking me to write
you a book.  You want me to work on something and get none of the credit.
How can you not see that you're in the wrong?"

     "You're lucky.  You have things to say and you know how to put them
out there so people understand.  I don't."

     "I went to school for that."

     "I couldn't."

     "You're lying.  You could have done anything.  You were just scared.
You're still scared," Alec was slowly chipping away at Chris' composure as
Atticus' head shot from each of them, back and forth.

     "Stop," Alec said, suddenly angry, voice erupting with anger.

     "I've gotten rejection letters, Alec.  I know what it feels like."

     "Then you know how fucking bad it feels," he said, "why would you want
to put anyone through that?"

     Chris paused, "It's part of it.  Nobody gets anything without a little
struggle."

     "How would you know?" Alec yelled, Atticus growling again, Chris still
calm and stoic.  "You lead the charmed life of Christopher Lewis--celebrity
playboy and critic's fucking favorite thing since Shakespeare."

     "It's more than that, Alec.  None of that came easy."

     "How the hell can you say that?  You've got everything you want."

     "No, I don't."

     Jake groaned, wanted more than anything to be able to hear what they
were saying.  Alec looked irate, but from what he could tell, Chris was
calm and cool.  It didn't make any sense.  He resisted the urge to barge
out on the entire thing, Chris seemed to be handling it just fine.

     "Just give me what I want and you're done.  I'll leave you alone."

     "We both know that's not true.  This is bigger than just one time.
You'll see what it feels like and you'll want more.  Why do you think I
keep writing?"

     "Who's got you saying these things?  Jake?  That sixteen unit Ivy
League dropout?  Why the hell are you even with him?"

     "He had twenty-one units, asshole.  He's not in this.  This is between
the two of us."

     "Chris, listen.  It doesn't have to be a chore.  Give me anything
that'll get published."

     "No," Chris said, "I thought I could, but I can't."  He wanted to take
the words back right away; it felt like he'd just lost his only chance to
get back what he had.  But it was the right thing to do, whether it meant
he'd never get published again or not.

     "This is a mistake, Chris," Alec said, "you don't know how serious
this is."

     "You have your last name to hide behind; Mom's there for you to run
to, but I don't have that.  All I have is my writing, I'm not losing it."

     Jake saw Alec tense one more time before he just threw his hands up
and turned around.  He couldn't tell if it was defiance or defeat on his
face, but he was glad that it seemed like something had happened, there was
a definite sense of finality to the whole situation, good or bad he
couldn't tell, but it was there.  Chris stood strong, stiff and rigid as he
watched Alec get back into a car and drive off.  Jake finally opened the
door and Boo ran out, pulling him along, tail wagging vigorously as he sat
next to Atticus, a smile on his wrinkled face.  "Chris, what happened?"

     Chris turned around and buried his face in Jake's neck, holding him
tight, "I don't know...I don't know."  Jake didn't know either, just ran a
soothing hand down Chris back and running his nose through Chris'
sun-warmed hair.

    "I'm here, no matter what, I'm here," Jake said, voice quiet.  He hoped
it was enough, because it was all that he had to give.

***

     Alec was still in Santa Barbara, or in Los Angeles at least.  Chris
could feel it.  There was an air of uneasiness and everything just seemed
tense.  Even as he walked towards the store, the taste of Jake's lips still
lingering on his, he couldn't take his mind off of what he'd done.  And
that was the worst part--he hadn't really done anything at all.  He'd just
stood his ground, stubbornly holding onto what he'd earned.  Alec could
threaten all he wanted, Chris had said the words, he'd done the deed.  He
wasn't going to back down.

     But as they climbed higher and higher, LA just a tiny speck, Chris
felt it less and less.  Alec could have it for now, but when they got back
from New York, Chris would take it back.  "Chin up, alright?" Jake said,
"it's Christmas.  Forget about it for a little."

     Chris nodded, curled his fingers around Jake's when he felt him slide
his hand over.  He'd do his best.  "Am I overreacting?"

     "No," Jake said, squeezing his hand, "I would have killed him.  He had
no right asking for something like that.  You did everything you could."

     Chris could only nod again, everything still jumbled in his head,
"I'll be okay."

     "I know you will," Jake whispered in his ear, kissing it lightly,
"take it easy, we've got to just let things play out.  Take a break."

      'We?' Chris thought, comforted by the thought of Jake beside him the
entire time, holding his hand just like he was.  He was more grateful for
it now than ever.  "We'll see," he said, shutting his eyes.  The constant
hum of the plane engines and Jake's thumb running over the top of his hand
combined to lull him to sleep, the one place he could completely forget
about Alec.  Jake let out a sigh, glad that Chris could find some peace
somewhere, still wishing that he could do something about it and get off
the sidelines.  Feeling helpless was the worst, especially since it was
starting to happen more and more.

     Chris watched the luggage go round and round, still waiting for their
last bag to slide down the belt and onto the carousel.  The nap had been
amazing, he'd never felt so refreshed after a flight; and that spoke
volumes, he'd logged as many miles in the air as most pilots.  He smiled,
stretching his hands up over his head, "Is it here yet?" Jake asked, poking
the sliver of skin at Chris' back playfully.

     A lazy yawn escaped Chris' lips as he shook his head.  Jake turned his
eyes to the carousel, watching as the luggage pass by.  "It's the one with
all our presents in it," Chris said, resting his head on Jake's shoulder,
"how come ours always comes out last?"

     "Can't have everything go the way we want, right?" Jake said, smiling,
"it's freezing out here.  Damn, I miss California already."

     "I love it," Chris said.

    "Chris!  Jake!" they both heard, voice familiar and friendly.  Chris
whipped his head around and saw Peter, huge grin on his face as he walked
over, "What's taking so long?"

     "There it is," Jake said, pushing through the crowd to get to their
suitcase.  It was big and heavy as Jake rolled it towards them, Chris
examining it quickly, eyes scanning it up and down.

     "I hope they didn't bang it around too much," he said.

     "I'm right here," Peter said, "remember me?  The reason you guys are
out here?"

     Chris smiled, pulling Peter into a hug, "I'm more here for the baby
than for you.  Don't kid yourself, big guy."

     Peter pulled away and patted Chris' shoulder firmly, "Love you, too."
Jake hugged him quickly, "That's more like it," Peter said, "you guys are
going to love the house.  We went all out."

     "Can't wait," Chris said, "that sofa bed and I have seen some good
times."

     "Real good times," Jake said, throwing an arm over Chris' shoulders,
"I love Christmas."

***

     Walking out of Dean and Deluca, nodding his sunglasses on off of his
head, Chris shrugged at the photographers, one hand full of shopping bags
and the other clutching a hanger of dry cleaning, clear plastic garment
bags fluttering in the stiff, choppy breeze.  He almost felt like he
actually lived in the city, "What do you guys want?  You've been following
me all day.  You want me to trip or drop something?  Just tell me and we
can get it done."  He stood there, eyes still questioning.  Presents for
everyone, things for him, he had everything done.  It was like a weight off
his shoulders and he couldn't wait to see everyone's face when they opened
everything.  It was always the best part.  The flashes kept coming though,
he couldn't think straight.

     They looked at him, confused, snapping still.  Chris kept his
expression blank, knew that they could use anything and everything that he
did against him.  He'd already started appearing in the magazines again,
much to his disdain, but like Jake said, it was part of the job, both their
jobs.  Obviously, photographers weren't used to being talked to.  They
didn't answer, just kept snapping.

     "It's Christmas guys, take a break," Chris said, as he walked away.
He could hear them follow, but now that he'd thrown his two cents out, the
rest was up to them, "And it's just me.  No friends, just me.  No news, no
money, guys.  Sorry."

     A few blocks and a few stores later, they started thinning out and
eventually, as he was fully laden with enough gifts for everyone, he was
finally by himself.  He finally smiled, soaking up the chill of the air and
energy of the city.  It was just a few days before Christmas and the city
showed it, every store window festive, everyone rushing around, everyone
rude as hell, and everyone forgetting that the snow was on the ground,
scarves were tucked tight, and the entire city looked like a Christmas
carol come to life.  Christmas was his favorite time of year; it never was
before, but now that he had a family, it was definitely the best time.
Everyone was always happy, even the worst things could be pushed aside, if
just for a few days, and more than that, he and Jake were always together.
No matter how busy they were, both of them knew how important it was for
them to be together.  Somehow, Chris owed it all to Jake, Christmastime had
transformed from a time that he hated to a time he loved.  Family did it,
he guessed, and he was glad that he finally had one.

     Chris pulled the key out of his pocket, smiling as he remembered all
the times he'd been locked out.  He could hear everyone inside, all the
commotion and all of the ruckus.  It only made his smile wider.  "Guys?"
Chris said as he poked his head in.  Jake rushed out, taking the bags from
his hands and planting a soft kiss on his lips, "I'm done."

     "About time," Jake said, "we missed you."

     "I asked you to come," Chris said, running his hand over Jake's jaw,
"but then you wouldn't have been surprised, I guess."

     "You always go overboard with the present thing," Jake whispered,
pulling Chris into a hug, lips coming together one more time, "you buy out
the entire city?"

     Grinning, Chris pressed their foreheads together, "I love you so much,
Jake."

     "There's no mistletoe over there, boys," Maggie joked.

     "Don't need it," Jake said over his shoulder, pulling Chris' to his
lips again.  Chris ran his fingers up Jake's back, "Missed this."

     Chris pulled away, "Is the baby up?"

     "Been waiting for you," Jake said, "he's cuter, if you think that's
possible."

     "I'll see for myself," Chris said, pulling Jake towards the baby's
room, "come on."  Jake rushed down the hall with him, stopping at Aaron's
crib, his eyes darting from Chris' to Jake's to his mobile.

     "Hey little guy," Chris whispered, Aaron grabbing his finger and
smiling a toothless grin, "look at how big you got."

     Jake leaned in, lips on Chris' temple as he held him, sure that Chris
was nothing but happy.  "You're everything to me, Chris," Jake whispered,
"and seeing you like this, I can't get enough."

     "Like what?" Chris asked, attention still rapt with Aaron.  Jake's
hand slid down his arm, fingers joining Chris' on Aaron's tiny palm.

     Pausing, Jake kissed his forehead once before slipping down to his
lips, Chris finally tearing his attention away from the baby to turn to
Jake, their bodies meshing together again, the familiar curves fitting just
so, "Like that," Jake whispered, "and like this," he said as he slid his
lips across to Chris' ear, nipping it lightly as he moved lower, lips on
Chris' neck, brining a low groan from Chris' throat.  Chris' hands ran up
Jake's arms, resting on his shoulders again, Jake's lips jumping back to
his, Chris melting into the kiss, everything disappearing.  It really was
the most wonderful time of the year.

***

     "Where's Chris?" Jake asked, tossing the kitchen towel onto the
counter.  He patted his stomach, a grin on his face as he stretched.  He
glanced around the kitchen; saw the bathroom door wide open, Chris nowhere
to be found anywhere in sight.

     "He's upstairs," Maggie said as she pulled her yellow rubber gloves
off, "he said he was going while you two polished off that last bottle."

     "He's not peeved that he can't drink, is he?" Peter asked,
half-frowning.

     "Nah," Jake said, shaking his head, "he's probably just up there
thinking."

     "Thinking about you, I'm sure," Peter said, "all lovey-dovey can't
keep your hands off each other."

     Jake smiled, blushing slightly, "You get back to your wife and your
baby," he said, "I'll help him think."

     "It's cold up there," Maggie said, "take him something."

     "He's all the way up?" Jake asked as he headed out of the kitchen,
grabbing a scarf from the hooks in the hallway.  He bounded up the stairs
two at a time and pushed the door open, the chill rushing at him, his eyes
darted around the rooftop, white snow reflecting the city lights, puffs of
steam forming with every one of his breaths.  He saw Chris, puffs of white
smoke swirling up around him and his heart almost stopped.  "Chris," he
asked, his voice cracked and dry.  He ran over, grabbing Chris' shoulders.

    "Shit, you scared me," Chris said, heart racing.  Jake saw his hand
shaking, a match fizzling out, the tiny wooden stick clutched between
Chris' fingers.  The other hand was empty, no drugs, no anything.

     "What are you doing?" Jake asked, his forehead furrowed, "what's going
on?"

     "Nothing," Chris said, putting the matchstick down with the others.
Jake saw an entire pile, every one charred to a tiny nub.  Chris reached
into the matchbox in his lap and scraped it against the brick railing,
"Watch," Chris said, holding Jake's hand as the flame burned bright,
crawling down the wood until Chris waved his hand around, white smoke
swirling around as the flame extinguished, Chris' eyes rapt by the entire
process.  "Just a few seconds," Chris said, "but it's awesome."

     Jake threw the scarf around Chris' neck and pulled their bodies
together, "You're amazing," Jake whispered, their smooth cheeks running
over each other, "I thought..."

     "I know what you thought," Chris said, grabbing Jake's hand, "no more
of that.  Never again."

     "I have something for you," Jake said, rummaging around in his
pockets.

     "It's not Christmas yet."

     "I want you to have it now," Jake said, pulling something out.  Chris'
couldn't see it clearly in the dark, but he saw Jake's head whip around
before reaching over for a candle.  He pulled a few and grabbed a match,
"One more time?"

     Chris smiled, pressing his lips to Jake's quickly before lighting the
candles, a dim pool of light illuminating their laps.  "Good enough?"

     "Perfect," Jake said, a tiny velvet bag in his open hand, "this is so
you don't have to put your hands in your pockets all the time."

     "What?"

     "It's so I can match you, too," Jake said, pulling Chris tight to his
body, "open it."

     Fingers poking into the little pouch, Chris fished out a long gold
chain, glittering in the candlelight.  "Wow," he said, eyes wide.  Without
a sound, Jake pulled Chris' hand out, fingers running over the smooth metal
of the rings, sliding them gently off, the delicate clanging of metal
breaking the silence.

     Jake threaded the necklace through the rings and closed the clasp,
slipping it over Chris' head, the rings reflecting the candlelight against
Chris' dark sweater.  Chris reached out to Jake's chest and felt the same
chain and rings under his sweater too, his heart filling with warmth.
"It's really more your thing," Chris said, "I never hid them, but I love it
because you have one, too."

     "You don't have to wear it if you don't want to," Jake said, "but
since I don't, I wanted you to know they were with me--all the time."  He
could hear Chris sigh, leaning against his body as they cuddled together.

     "Love you," Chris said, "I feel like I should be giving you something,
too."

     "How about a kiss?" Jake asked, pressing their foreheads together,
lips practically touching already, "I can use one to warm me up."

     "I can do more than just warm you up," Chris said, pulling Jake to
him, "get over here."

     "It's so easy to love you," Jake said, "every day I wonder why it's so
easy sometimes."

     "So that it makes up for the times it's hard," Chris said, "it makes
us forget."  Their lips crashed together, the easiest thing either of them
could do.

***

     "Christopher!  Christopher!" Chris heard, a familiar tugging at his
feet.

     "Jake, she's here," Chris groaned, "I can smell her."

     "Christopher!" Abby whined.  It was like deja vu, it brought a smile
to Chris' face, even at this ungodly hour.

     "It's dawn, isn't it?" Jake said, voice husky.  Chris nuzzled closer
to Jake, craving the warmth and contact.  His eyelids got heavy again,
Jake's even breathing lulling him back to sleep.

     Abby conceded, scrambling across the sofa bed towards the Christmas
tree.  The both of them felt her slight frame crawl across them, but having
Boo do it nearly every morning let them ignore the insignificant
disturbance.  But the shot out of bed when she plugged in the tree, lights
glaring through the darkness, the bright white bulbs filling the entire
room.

     "Jesus," Chris shouted, throwing his arm over his eyes.  Jake groaned
squinting as Abby clapped, her face glowing, "Abby, really, just a little
more, okay?  Jake and I stayed up late last night."

     "It's Christmas!" she shouted, "and we don't have stockings, so we
have to get the presents."

     "Did you wake up your cousin Maggie yet?  Peter?" Jake asked, already
running his hand over his face, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

     "They're coming," Abby said, "they told me to wake you up."

     Chris shook his head, smiling, "I guess they wanted us all to have a
happy Christmas together."

     Jake leaned over and kissed his temple one more time, "Merry
Christmas," he whispered.

     Rubbing his cheek against the overnight stubble on Jake's jaw, he
didn't say anything back.  It was already perfect enough without him having
to say it back.  Jake held him tight as they both heard Maggie and Peter's
groggy footsteps down the hall.  "I...we should put some shirts on, I
guess," Chris whispered, "Peter will have his camera out, I'm sure."

     "One more minute," Jake said, rocking him gently, "just give me a
little more."

     After the minute, which Chris was sure lasted just a little longer,
they both threw the sheets off, Chris reaching for a hoodie, pulling it on
before running his fingers through Jake's bed tousled hair, kissing him
full on the lips, "It's going to be a good Christmas, I can tell already."

     "Enough," Abby said, a pout on her lips, "go brush your teeth so that
we can open presents."  Her hand shot out, tiny finger pointing down the
hall before she added, "And not together!  You always take too long when
you do things together."

     By the time they got back, Jake had put on a t-shirt and there were
already tatters of wrapping paper on the floor, a huge smile on Abby's face
as she rushed to them, throwing her arms around Jake's waist, "You're the
best," she said as she hugged Chris in turn, "after you read it to me,
Alice is my favorite book."

     "There's more," Chris said, "it's going to get better.  The doll's
just the beginning."  Her eyes grew wide as she skipped back to the tree,
Maggie tossing Chris a box as he and Jake sat down.

     "That's for you, from the two of us," Maggie said, bouncing Aaron on
her lap, a huge smile on her face, eyes sparkling.

     "No way," Chris said as he opened the box, his fingers stalling as he
pulled the tissue back, "I can't believe it."

     "What is it?" Abby asked, leaning over.

     Jake's hand ran over the little rabbit, "Is that what velveteen feels
like?" he asked.

     "I don't know, I didn't know they even made these," Chris said,
pulling it out of the box and running his hand over its floppy ears, "it's
just like in the book."

     "Now you have a whole set," Peter said, "that horse and the rabbit."

     "I'm going to make it real, Abby, remember that book?"

     "No," she said, tilting her head, "who's next?"

     Chris smiled, "Jake should open one."

     Abby ran to the tree as Chris sipped his coffee, her excited hands
fumbling for anything labeled 'Jake.'  "Found one!" she squealed, handing
the box over to him.

     The box had plain white wrapping and simple black bow, "It's from me,"
Chris said, resting his head on Jake's shoulder, hands still clutching the
warmth of his coffee mug.

     "Should I be worried?" Jake said as he pulled the bow off, the ribbon
flying over their heads behind the sofa.  That alone brought a smile to
Abby's face and she ran behind them to fetch it, wrapping it around her
neck like a scarf.

     "What did Chris get you?" she asked as she watched Jake open the box.

     "Oh wow," Jake said, grinning, "these knives are supposed to be
amazing."

     "That's not a present for Jake," Maggie joked, "that's so he can
fatten you up with more cooking."

     "Hey," Chris said, laughing as Peter tossed a pillow at him, "he
wanted them."

     "We should give them the big one now, shouldn't we?" Jake said,
setting the knives down.

     "You managed to hide it?" Chris asked, surprised.

     "What are you guys talking about?" Peter asked, glancing under the
tree.  Nothing seemed unusually large, just plenty of the normal shirt-box
sized presents and lots of little ones.

     "We brought something from home," Chris said, "for you guys."  He
turned to Jake, "You managed to put it together without them knowing?  You
deserve to open another one."

     "Hey," Abby interrupted, "we have to take turns."

     "Fine fine," Jake said, "let me go get it."

     "You guys were hiding something?" Maggie asked, watching intently as
Jake walked towards the hall closet.

     "Here it is," Jake said, voice muffled by the coats and jackets, "from
Chris and me to you two."  He pulled out the same old rocking chair that
they found in Chris' storage unit, the same one that Chris remembered being
rocked on, and the same one they wanted Maggie and Peter to have.

     "It was my grandma's and my mom's," Chris said beaming, "I can't
believe he managed to take it apart and put it back together."

     "Wow," Maggie said, getting up to get a closer look, "this is great.
You guys are too much."

     Peter came over, patting Chris' shoulder firmly, "This means a lot to
us, Christopher, it really does."

     "We're not going to use it," Chris said, "it should go to you guys.
It has to stay in the family."

     "We'll put it to good use," Maggie said, leaning down to kiss him on
the forehead, "thank you."

     "I love Christmas," Chris said, "this is what it's all about, right,
Abby?"

     "What do you mean?"

     "What do you feel in here?" Chris asked her, pointing at her heart.

     "It feels warm," she said, thinking hard, "and good.  It feels really
good."

     "Exactly.  That's Christmas.  Right inside you and inside all of us."

***

     "So, how did this one measure up?" Jake asked, nuzzling into Chris'
neck, a smile on his lips even as he kissed the soft skin of Chris'
collarbone.

     "Still can't believe you managed to fix my grandpa's watch," Chris
said, "it's like the impossibly perfect Christmas managed to happen."

    "It's more like the Christmas where I didn't know what to get you
because you have everything you need Christmas."

     Chris chuckled, "Either way, it was good."

     "Yeah," Jake said, voice trailing off into the cold nighttime air,
"it'll be hard to top this one."

     "Thinking about next year already?" Chris said, turning to face Jake,
their noses grazing as his eyes met Jake's through the darkness.

     "Well," Jake said, kissing Chris softly, "I'll forget about it
tomorrow, maybe the day after."

     "Promise?" Chris asked, voice slow, lilting as their lips touched,
"I'm all Christmased out."

     "Just a little more and it's over.  Then before you know, it'll be
March and you'll be wondering how much longer it is until Christmas."

     "Well, there is one more thing I got you," Chris said, eyes gleaming,
teeth biting his lower lip.

     "Really?  The knives and clothes and shoes weren't enough?"

     "Well you said that I always go a little overboard, so I couldn't let
you down," Chris said, shuffling so that he was fully facing Jake, their
knees touching as they kneeled on the bench.

     "You did go overboard," Jake said, "you're too much."

     "No, this isn't something you actually get, well you do...it's sort of
hard to explain."

     "Okay," Jake said, confused, "what's going on?"

     "I'll just...here," Chris said, pulling his sleeve up, the candles
flickering thin, fragile light across Chris' arm.  Jake pulled it towards
him, his eyes just able to make out the scribbly, messy black letters
spelling out 'JBG' on Chris' tan skin.

     He didn't know what to say, everything silent as he looked up at
Chris, eyes earnest, gouging into Jake's.  "It's...wow."

     "Fucker," Chris said, pushing him away playfully, "Abby drew it on me
with a marker...It's smeared, even.  God, you need to get new contacts."

     Jake shook his head, grinning as he pushed Chris down, a grunt of air
escaping Chris' lips as they both landed hard on the cushioned bench, "I'm
a fucker?  You just tried to trick me."

     "You think I'd do something like that?" Chris said, half-laughing,
hands running up Jake's back.

     "Whatever, get those lips over here," Jake said, "and don't freak me
out like that again."

     "You knew it wasn't real," Chris whispered, kissing Jake lightly,
reveling in the comfortable heavy of Jake on top of him, the warmth of his
body chasing away the chills.

     "I hoped it wasn't real," Jake said before kissing him back, "I know
how to spell my name.  I know you love me.  Those things don't have to go
together."

     "You're so gullible," Chris said, he couldn't wipe the smile from his
lips, even as Jake kissed him, bodies melting together.

     "I shouldn't have to be worried about you lying to me," Jake
whispered, eyes still glued to Chris'.

     "No, you shouldn't," Chris said.  He didn't explain any further; just
let their lips crash together again, Chris wondering where it was going,
whether Jake was going to take him right then and there in the cold, not
that he would have objected.

     "How about we go back inside?" Jake started, "and we'll see if that
sofa-bed is still as sturdy as I remember."

     "Rebecca and Abby are in there," Chris said, fingers sliding over
Jake's chest now, feeling every groove and curve, hard muscles still giving
him chills.

     "Remember what happened last time I made you be quiet?" Jake asked,
tracing the edge of Chris' ear, "best fucking cum of my life."

     The chills didn't stop and Chris was sure it wasn't from the cold.  He
pushed Jake off of him and pulled him towards the door, "Let's see if we
can top that one," Chris said, tongue sliding out over his lips, "we might
have to try more than once."

     Jake pulled Chris back, slamming him against the worn bricks, the cool
sensation flying through Chris' entire body.  Jake's lips were on his
instantly, Chris' couldn't even catch his breath before Jake's lips moved
to his neck, fingers creeping up his stomach, cool air and hot skin mixing
together, Chris' knees buckling, Jake's body the only keeping him upright.
"I think I'll be able to get it on the first try," Jake whispered, pulling
the scarf away.  Legs trembling, Chris kissed him back, Jake's
well-practiced fingers on his own fly, cock slipping out to salute Chris.
Jake's hands slid up Chris' arms, gripping Chris' shoulders and pushing him
down, with minimal effort, Chris was on his knees, Jake's hot cock pulsing
against his cheek.

     Sliding Jake's cock in his mouth, Chris felt his eyes close, his
eyeballs rolling back just feeling the thick shaft stretching his throat
open.  He gripped the base of Jake's cock, sliding every inch in and out,
bliss darkening Jake's features as his fingers slipped into Chris' hair,
the tips squeezing Chris' scalp as he dove down again and again, wet
slurping sounds seeming to echo off the building right into Jake's ears.
Jake gripped hard, thrusting in and out of Chris' eager mouth, his shaft
slick and gleaming with every push and pull.  A groan sent a shiver right
up Jake's spine, his hands coming up to tickle Jake's balls, middle finger
tracing his perineum, Jake's cock slowly stretching Chris' mouth open, his
throat tight and hot.

     Jake bent Chris' head back, a muffled groan sending another shiver
through Jake as he thrust harder, the angle easier for every thick inch
sink in, Chris' eyes fluttering open as he pulled off, deft hand stroking
Jake's slick shaft as he caught his breath, back of his hand sliding over
his lips to wipe away the saliva, eyes hungrily staring at Jake's cock,
moving up to his tight stomach and even higher to his eyes, cloudy with
lust as he grabbed Chris' hair again.  Greedily swallowing, Chris
unbuttoned his own jeans, reaching down to stroke his own cock, hand
slicked by pre-cum, strokes firm and steady.  Jake groaned just watching
it, thrusting harder, fucking Chris' mouth with abandon eyes skyward,
fireworks replacing the city skyline as he came, thick spurts of cum
shooting straight down Chris' throat.  Grunting, Chris stroked the last
vestiges of pearly cum from Jake's cock, hungrily licking it up as he sat
back, breathing labored as he watched Jake's eyes open, locking with his as
Jake grabbed his hand, pulling him up for a kiss, tongue automatically
finding its place alongside Chris', hands eagerly stroking Chris' dick as
he pushed him against the bricks again, bodies pressed together, Jake
practically devouring Chris, wanting every possible inch of skin to touch,
every single part of them to just melt together.

     "Get that ass inside," Jake groaned, "I'll give you something to
remember."  He pulled Chris along, the rush of heat from the house sending
goose bumps up onto Chris' skin as he pressed Jake against the wall, their
feet tripping down the stairs, Jake tumbling down onto his back, Chris
creeping up his body, lips on Jake's neck as he stroked Jake's cock, hard
and slippery, pulsing in his steady hand.  Chris' free hand slid up Jake's
hairy stomach, sliding over slick muscle before pulling his sweater and
t-shirt off in one swift motion.  Jake groaned, head thrown back against
the worn wood of the staircase as Chris licked at his nipples.

    Pushing Chris off of him, Jake pulled him up to his feet and down the
stairs, Chris' hand's sliding all over Jake's chest and back, exposed skin
filling his hungry eyes as Jake pushed him down onto the sofa bed, springs
creaking under their weight, Jake's hands pulling Chris' pants off, both of
them oblivious to the trail of clothes left in their wake, Jake finally
landing on top of him, skin to skin, mouth to mouth.  Groaning, Chris'
fingers tangled in Jake's hair, his head thrown back as Jake's mouth
attached to his neck, hands slipping down Chris' sweat-slicked body,
sliding over his chest and down his stomach, skin smooth and supple, body
languid and responsive under Jake's touch.  He gasped when Jake wrapped a
hand around his dick, whimpered when a spit-slicked finger slid into him,
the sound of it traveling through Jake from his ears right to his dick,
pre- cum sliding down his length.

     "Come on, Jake," Chris squeezed out between clenched teeth.  Another
finger sent a shock through Chris' body, silencing him as Jake looked up to
see his pained face, to watch his labored breathing.  Jake slid up again,
pressing his forehead to Chris', wrapping a leg around his waist.

     "Ready?"

     Chris' hand gripped Jake's neck, tracing his lips with his tongue,
other hand gripping Jake's ass, "Ready enough for you?"

     Grunting, Jake eased in, watching relief wash over Chris' body,
instantly replaced by the regular stiffness of his body.  Jake watched the
same cycle, Chris' body awash with relief, muscles liquid jell-o as he slid
in, body stiff and rigid as more of his dick stretched Chris' open, another
wave of relaxation when Jake bottomed out and their lips connected, it was
the same every time; and no matter how many times Jake saw it, he couldn't
get enough.  "Fucking hot," Jake groaned, practically panting as he rolled
his hips, watching Chris twist and writhe with every minute movement, "God
this is too good."

     Chris nodded fast, eyes unfocused and body shivering, his hands
gripping Jake's broad shoulders as he arched up, reveling in the sensations
coursing through his body, Jake's cock pressing at his prostate again and
again, is entire body feeling like it was on fire.  He groaned loud, Jake's
hand covering his mouth as he thrust even harder, slamming his hips forward
and roughly pulling back, his eyes rolling back as he let his body take
over, mind blanking so that his cock could feel without anything getting in
the way.  Chris squeezed his chute and he watched as Jake shuddered, jaw
tight as he thrust hard into the clenching channel.  An incoherent string
of grunts fell from Chris' lips as Jake pulled his other leg tight around
his waist, thrusting deeper, harder.

     "Yeah," Chris whispered, "so...uhhh" his voice trailed off as he lost
his thoughts; Jake pulling him back, impaling him further on his thick
shaft.  Jake grunted low and loud, thrusting as hard as he could, gripping
Chris' slippery body with white knuckles as he watched his dick stretch
Chris open, his clutching hole stretched open for Jake's thick cock.  A few
more thrusts and Jake pushed Chris over onto his side, Chris' groans
becoming higher and softer as Jake straddled his leg and slammed deep,
Chris' teeth clenched, his own hand muffling his loud groans.  Being quiet
was out of the question, it was too much too fast, his body doing its best
to absorb everything, to just feel as much as it could, every sense of
restraint gone.  Jake thrust hard, eyes shut tight as he tried to hold
back, his own restraint hanging on by a thread.  It just seemed like he
couldn't get deep enough, thrust hard enough, like he was yearning for more
and his body was going to extremes to reach it.  Chris whimpered, sounds
strained and light as Jake slammed forward, their lips smashing together,
Jake's arms wrapping around Chris, holding him steady as the thrusts
continued, steady and strong.

     "Close," Chris groaned, finally able to get a word out, his cock
rubbing against Jake's stomach, shiny slick of precum matting the dark
hair, his jaw clenched tight as their cheeks rubbed together, Jake's breath
hot and loud on his ear.  He gripped Jake's back, fingers clumsily hanging
on to anything, struggling to find some traction as he came, thick ribbons
of cum smearing between them, Jake's relentless thrusts continuing through
the waves of sensation, sending more and more cum from his dick.  Chris
started to moan, but Jake's mouth was there, swallowing every single one,
Chris' body going through the same cycle in reverse, tensing, relaxing,
tensing again, body slack one more time as he fell back, Jake biting his
shoulder, muffling his own loud grunts as he shot into Chris' clutching
chute, cum flooding his hole, warmth spooling out deep inside him, strokes
slowing, settling into shallow, rigid thrusts.  Chris felt Jake fall on top
of him, their bodies settling together as Jake kissed him softly, breath
catching in his throat, his body shivering before they finally meshed
together, Chris sighing as Jake slipped out of him, their foreheads
pressing together, Jake's blue eyes meeting his, gaze loving and content.

     "Merry Christmas, baby," Jake whispered, a sly smile playing on his
lips.

     Chris was too tired to object, or maybe he was finally getting used to
the affectionate nickname, but either way, just seeing Jake's half-lidded
eyes, feeling the weight of his body on top of his own, everything just
came together.  He pulled Jake down for one more kiss, slow and soft,
before he pulled away, mouthing a simple 'I love you,' before Jake threw
the sheet over the both of them and he surrendered to the call of sleep.

***

     Home was warmer than either of them expected and Chris was sure that
they were the two luckiest guys alive when just a few days after Christmas
he was walking along a stretch of beach, briny salt water washing over his
feet, the dogs just a few paces in front of him, splashing in the water and
chasing the birds.

     He glanced out over the ocean, turned around and looked the other way.
It was weird, he thought, to be so attracted to something so indescribable.
He'd been trying to wrap his head around the allure of the ocean all his
life, it was a part of him, and whenever he needed to think, to just be by
himself, he found himself staring right there, at the waves and the water,
sand and sun.

      Atticus sidled up beside him, eyes wide and happy, ears perked up,
probably on the lookout for Jake.  It was like he could sense him coming,
because a second later, Chris felt his phone vibrate even before it rang,
"Come out here.  It's so nice," Chris said, smiling.

     "I want to," Jake said, "give me a few minutes."  His mind was
spinning, he wasn't sure if he could tell Chris what he needed to over the
phone.  He wanted to tell him as soon as possible, but when he actually
dialed, he realized it might not have been the best way to break the news.

     "Atticus wants you," Chris said, leaning down to scratch behind his
ear, "and I want you, too."

     "I've got some news for you," Jake said, "but I'll tell you when I get
down there."

     "Good or bad?"

     "I don't really know," Jake said, "just don't move.  I'll be right
down."

     "Tell me now."

     "I can't."

     "Okay," Chris said, glancing around, "we're at...between tower seven
and eight.  Get down here."

     "I'll be right there," Jake said, "I love you."

     "Love you, too," Chris said, a tiny bit unnerved by the nervousness in
Jake's voice.  Christmas had been too good, almost too perfect.  He should
have expected something bad, it seemed like it was always just around the
corner.

---

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