Date: Wed, 11 Feb 2015 16:05:49 -0500
From: Zacs Fag <zacsfag@aol.com>
Subject: Celebrity Fart-Off (1)

***Disclaimer: This story is one hundred percent fictional. It was written
purely for the enjoyment of others. It is not meant to imply anything about
anyone's sexuality or their life in general. Only people who are eighteen
years of age or older should read it. Enjoy!***

Zac Efron, Taylor Lautner, and Justin Bieber were wearing nothing but their
underpants. Their knees were pressed against a cold, hard stage floor. And
their asses were up in the air for a studio audience of three hundred and
fifty people to see. What exactly were these three young, hot, talented,
successful, and rich studs doing exposing themselves in such an
uncomfortable position? Well, all three of them were contestants on
Celebrity Fart-Off, the most popular game show in America. Yes, you read
correctly. These three sexy megastars were participating in a gameshow
about flatulence. Celebrity Fart-Off was a program in which, as the title
suggests, a tooting contest takes place. The premise of the show was
simple. The three men did their best to produce the most impressive fart
possible. Their flatulence would be judged by the show's host on its smell,
volume, and duration. A contestant could receive a score of up to ten
points in each of these three categories. The highest score possible was
thirty points. The contestant with the highest score won the title of
Celebrity Fart King. If it sounds odd to you that this was the most popular
game show in America, it shouldn't. Every man in the country loved it.

Gay men obviously loved it because it gave them the chance to see the best
asses in the entertainment industry up close. And straight men loved it
because of the raunchy humor it supplied. The host and judge of the show
was named Gaylon Prisston. His birth name was Tom Smith, but his stage name
was a much more appropriate name for him because he was the most effeminate
faggot on Earth. He had spiky platinum blonde hair, spray tanned skin
covered in copious amounts of makeup that made his skin look almost orange,
icy-blue contacts lenses, and his signature look consisted of a glittery,
form-fitting tube top and a pair of white short-shorts. It was his job to
introduce the contestants and score their farts. This required him to tell
the audience a little about each contender before chatting with them to
make sure they were relaxed and ready to go. He then got on his knees,
pressed his nose against their cracks, and inhaled their farts. He also had
to hold a microphone up to each muscular booty so that the audience could
hear how long and loud each toot was. It was solely up to him to determine
how bad the smell was because he was the only one close enough to the
action. But he often crowd surfed for scores on loudness and length.

Straight men getting a kick out of a gameshow because a sissy boy gets ass
blasted by their fellow masculine, heterosexual brethren may sound a bit
homophobic, but it was all in good fun. The United States has become a much
more gay-friendly country over the past decade, but no matter how much
society progresses, I think we can all agree that every red-blooded,
American straight dude will always get a kick out of seeing a feminine gay
guy get farted on. Besides, Gaylon absolutely loved his job. Hot, muscular
asses turned him on more than anything, so he was able to tolerate the
nasty gas bombs dropped on him by some of the sexiest men alive. And this
show really brought gay and straight men together. It made gay men horny
and straight men laugh until their stomachs hurt. No other show was able to
bridge this specific demographic gap so effectively.

But why would such powerful, award-winning entertainers stoop to
participating in a low-budget gameshow centered on juvenile, gross-out
humor. The pay certainly wasn't worth it. Gameshow participants don't make
nearly as much movie stars and pop sensations. But there were two very good
reasons for the three strapping young bucks to do this show. First and
foremost, it didn't matter how silly they may have thought the show's
premise was. It was not only the number one game show in the country, it
was also one of the most-watched programs on cable overall. About
nine-to-ten million people watched it every night, and it regularly beat
out popular network sitcoms and reality shows. And as every agent in
Hollywood will tell you, all publicity is good publicity. Secondly, all
three of these men were at a similar stage in their career. They were
former child stars trying to grow up. They wanted more than just hordes of
young female fans. They wanted respect from other men. All young men want
to be perceived as one of the guys. They were tired of being perceived as
teenaged boys. They wanted to be perceived as manly men. Doing this show
was simply the easiest way to score some quick man points and destroy their
teenybopper image for good.

Those man points were what the three young dudes were focusing on intently
in order to get over their initial embarrassment and unease at being
practically naked on stage as Gaylon walked onto the stage and introduced
the three contestants in his usual frilly ensemble.

Gaylon: Well, well, well... Looks like our three sexy celeb contestants are
here! They are in their undies, on their knees, and bent over! Who's ready
to see this queer get gassed?

The entire audience was roaring. Gays and straights alike clapped, cheered,
and jumped up and down in excitement.

Gaylon: Fist up, we have Justin Bieber, a cute little pop sensation with a
major bad boy streak. Tell us Justin, what did you do to prepare for
today's competition?

Justin: Well, instead of having my usual two breakfast burritos, I bumped
it up to three. And I smeared some refried bean dip on the top. I also had
an apple and a protein shake. That's a combination that usually messes me
up intestinally for pretty much the whole day. So, yeah, I figured I'd be
gassin' you out the minute that gay nose of yours touches my crack.

The audience members clapped and nodded intently after hearing this
strategy. They were impressed such a little guy could down so much for
breakfast. They also admired his rather methodical nature. But Justin was a
bit nervous. He wasn't quite as cocky as he normally appeared in his music
videos and confrontations with the paparazzi. That's understandable. It's
not every day that he gets on his knees, pulls down his pants, spreads his
cheeks, and lets a gay man enjoy the view. Would he be able to really nail
this performance, or would his stage fright prevent him from bringing the
goods?

Gaylon: Ok, little man! Give me all you got!

Justin paused for a couple seconds causing some suspense to fall over the
audience. His twinky little butt looked perky and ready as ever to gas a
fag. He was wearing long, saggy, black boxers covered in little green
marijuana symbols. He tries so hard to be a thug, but underneath his hood
exterior is a little, white, baby boy looking for acceptance from the big
guys. After taking a deep breath and letting out one little grunt, the
Biebs unleashed a dry, low-sounding, raspy fart that stunned Gaylon with
its volume. And the readers at home should keep in mind that Gaylon's face
had taken more farts than a toilet at an all-you-can-eat cabbage buffet. It
takes a very loud fart to stun this queer. It lasted for quite a while as
well. There were several stops and starts that punctuated this gassy little
number that Biebs' butt was performing. Gaylon wondered if it would ever
end.

The audience cheered for the little guy. Before today, they saw Justin as a
spoiled, immature, little brat. Now they saw him as a spoiled, immature,
little brat who farted like a man.

Gaylon: Well, eating beans for a farting contest is sooo clichéd. It did
smell pretty bad, but I'm going to have to give him a five in the smell
category due to lack of originality. Nothing special here. As far as
length, I'm going with a nine. I was very impressed. I haven't smelled a
fart that long in quite a while. I'll let the audience decide on volume.

The audience unanimously yelled out the number ten. Gaylon couldn't agree
more. Justin was awarded twenty four fart points. After a commercial break,
Gaylon then moved over to Taylor Lautner's big, muscled booty. Famous for
playing a werewolf, Lautner and his big tanned ass made the audience
excited to hear some real roaring.

Gaylon: Next up, we have Taylor Lautner. Tell us Taylor, what did your
breakfast consist of today?

Taylor: Well, since you asked you stupid faggot...errr...I mean Gaylon...

The straight audience members laughed at Taylor's joke. It reminded them of
the many times they instinctively called little sissy boys in the locker
room faggot before correcting themselves after remembering their actual
names. The gay audience members were not offended because they were in awe
of his sheer confidence, aggressively masculine tone, and not to mention
that muscled ass concealed under some tighty-whities.

Taylor: As I was saying, I had some prune juice mixed in with some
Benefiber. I also had six slices of toast with peanut butter. Starches
usually give me some gnarly farts. And I think that with some juice to get
things flowing, you'll be puking your queer little guts out at the smell of
it.

Gaylon: Well, big boy, let's see if that combination of prune juice and
toast is as good as you say it is.

Taylor grunted loudly and let out a very wet and quiet fart. It was truly
an example of a silent but deadly attack on the nostrils. Gaylon was very
impressed by the smell indeed. But then something horrible happened. A
crackling noise started to become audible to the audience. Once they
realized what was happening, they gasped. Gaylon's eyes were closed, and he
was so caught up in the moment he didn't realize what was going on until
Taylor began to yell.

Taylor: Oh no, I think I'm pooping!

Gaylon fell backwards in shock and disgust as Taylor ran off stage. The
entire audience laughed at Gaylon harder than any other crowd ever had
before. He took a few minutes to compose himself, get over the shock of
being shit on, and waited for the laughter to subside. Never had a
contestant accidentally crapped their pants before. This would surely go
down as the nastiest episode ever as well as the most memorable. Taylor
received a score of zero. This show wasn't a shitting contest. There was no
such thing on television! At least not yet...

Gaylon: Well, now that that's over, I would like to introduce our final
contestant! He's an acting, dancing, and singing triple threat. He's got
style, charm, and smarts. Heeerrre's Zac Efron!

All of the gay men swooned after the dreamy hunk in red boxer briefs was
introduced. They all had a soft spot for him ever since he sang and danced
his way into their queer little hearts nine years ago in High School
Musical. So many little fags get beaten up by the athletes they lust
after. But Zac's character Troy was all-jock and all-heart. Unrealistic?
Sure. But hey, it was a Disney Channel Movie. What do you expect?

Zac: Hey there, cutie! You ready to smell some one hundred percent grade a
man ass fumes?

Gaylon was totally taken in by Zac's flirtatious ways and blushed a deep
shade of red. He was in no way gay and plowed as many chicks as he possibly
could, but he knew when and how to turn on the charm to get what he wanted.

Gaylon: So Prince Charming, what did your first meal of the day consist of?

Zac: Well cutie-pie, I didn't rely on any gimmicks or tricks to enhance my
farts. No beans. No cabbage. I stuck to a manly, All-American breakfast. I
had three omelets, two pieces of toast, five sausage links, three pancakes
with syrup, a glass of milk, and a cup of orange juice.

The audience and Gaylon were in shock. How could a man eat so much and stay
so toned? He must really take his exercising seriously to burn off so many
carbs. Then again, anyone who has seen his abs in the movie Neighbors
should be able to tell that this is indeed true. The audience also worried
if eating so much might cause Zac to do a doodie like Taylor did.

Without warning, Zac unleashed what can only be described as an anal
tornado of manliness that would knock any sissy fag right off his perfectly
pedicured feet and simultaneously command the respect of every straight man
alive. It was so loud that the audience had to cover their ears to protect
their hearing from the booming of the speakers. The smell literally made
Gaylon gag. He had coughed plenty of times after sniffing a straight lad's
gas. Never before, however, did he have to actually hold his mouth shut to
prevent chunks of vomit from escaping his mouth and ruining his favorite
pink and sparkly tube top. After all, this one had the title of "Daddy's
Little Princess" embroidered on the front of it. And it seemed to last
forever. The audience was floored by this. They thought they'd seen
everything tonight. Bieber farted like a man, and Mr. Lautner shat
himself. But those two events paled in comparison to Zac's nuclear ass gas
attack.

Gaylon simply couldn't handle it any longer. He was required to be on his
knees like a good little queer and keep his nose on the contestant's
rosebud until the fart had subsided. He took his job too seriously and
would never abandon his duties. But his body eventually gave out from its
senses being overwhelmed, and he fainted. After Gaylon fell to the floor,
the fart finally subsided. It must have lasted for about five minutes. The
audience seriously wondered if Gaylon might be dead. But he was fine. He
woke up a few hours later in a hospital bed.

Zac: Well, gee, looks like Princess couldn't handle the Ef-farts! Guess
that means I won, huh?

Zac's father had taught him and his brother that the men in their family
didn't just fart. They Ef-farted. It was something to be proud of because
for generations, the Efron men had been known for having the manliest farts
around. Zac knew his Dad was proudly watching at home.

The audience roared with cheers and chanted Zac's name at the top of their
lungs as he smacked his booty and shook it around to celebrate. It wasn't
just his charisma and his flirting that impressed Gaylon, he truly earned
the reaction he got. And he was somehow actually able to control his bowels
despite the fact that he ate twice the amount that Taylor did. And he did
it without beans! Almost every contestant pumps up their stomach with beans
to enhance the volume and length of their farts. But Zac's manly ass gives
the goods no matter what he eats.

The show's producers walked out on stage, informed him he won all thirty of
the possible fart points, congratulated Zac, and crowned him Celebrity Fart
King. The actual crown itself looked like a plastic toy that could be
purchased at Wal-Mart for less than ten bucks. It barely even fit his
head. But it wasn't the value of the prize that mattered. What mattered was
that Zac was the manliest farter in Hollywood. He would now command the
respect usually reserved for cinematic legends, and his career continued to
reach new heights ever since. As Zac waved to the crowd, the straight men
had to hold the gay men back in order to prevent them from mowing down the
gassy Adonis-like figure on stage. Each of the heteros shed a tear of pride
as they watched the one-time teenybopper become more of a man than they
ever would. This was truly the best Celebrity Fart-Off ever.

***So, what did you guys think? Please do not hesitate to email me. My
address is zacsfag@aol.com. I welcome all comments, praise, and
criticism. I'd also love to hear suggestions for a sequel. If I get enough
good feedback and some creative suggestions, I will begin working on a
second installment. Thank you so much for reading!***