It's quite peculiar, and a tiny bit of funny too, how you can feel an actual physical need, ache, for someone you love, someone that completes you, someone that means the world to you. It's wonderful, it's crippling. Niall left for Ireland three days ago. I feel this physical need the strongest when I go to bed because I go to bed alone. And I try to find a comfortable position and just go to sleep, but something is missing, something is not right, and I know exactly what it is. My arms are empty, I feel no body pressed to mine, holding me. And my heart shrivels, I start feeling cold.
But it's still quite strange because we've been `together' for no more than a month now. I suppose I got used to the incredible feeling of the warmth of his body next to mine a little too quickly. I think it's an addiction of some sort. We spent every night since that first real sexual encounter holding each other. And now I can't even get a good night sleep without him. I wake up at strange, cold hours, I turn restlessly, I have confused dreams, overflowing with unpleasant, cold, blinking images, and in the morning I'm tired.
You'd say it's impossible. You'd say it's cheesy. You'd say it's too much. You'd say it's unhealthy and stupid. You'd say it can't be real.
Yeah, I suppose that's true. I suppose that's what I'd say if someone else told me the same story.
But it's just how it is. I think I'll learn to cope with it better in time.
Because, damn it, it's such a magnificent feeling! When I spoon him and he's just so small and soft but wiggly and strong in my embrace, and I just feel home, it's so warm and cozy all night long, even if he tosses and turns a lot and ends up pushing us to the other end of the bed sometimes. And when he ishodling me it feels like I have a blond koala bear wrapped around my back, but I promise, it's the loveliest of feelings! I feel loved, protected...Because yeah, I need these kind of things too.
Now that we're home from Spain, we spend our nights together in my flat or in his and it's just great when either of us wakes the other one up with his morning wood. We haven't advanced much in our sexual activities since the night of our second date. We do ocassionaly give each other a handjob or ablowjob, but only sometimes. His body is incredible. I've never seen anything like it. I know what people say, I know some people won't agree, but when you feel so deeply for someone, everything about them is way above the level of perfection. I really love him.
And now that he hasn't been home for so long, my sexual drive is sufficiently higher as well. I wank almost every night. I don't need porn, I don't need anything, and that is something that surprises me greatly - I've always needed some sort of visual stimulation. But now I just close my eyes and think of my Niall and his lips on my dick and it really doesn't take long.
Well, today it's Thursday. Niall is coming
home on Saturday and I need to be ready with this. Eevrythinghas to be ready. I can't
wait to see him and hold him again. But now, now I have to work on something
very special for him. I need to be focused, but relaxed.
I have everything set up. I'm ready to go. I have my laptop with the most mesmerizing picture of Niall I could find on the internet taking up the whole screen.
I love him. Perhaps I should start with that statement. I must try to explain my feelings as deep as I can go into their nature. Or not? Should I maybe leave a bit to be conveyed through my actions? Anways, let's go.
Is it okay to start in such a simple, casual, trite way? When I'm writing something this important...
I just spent so much time thinking about how to start this letter. The main problem is that I want it to be forward and completely honest about everything I feel, yet I don't want to come across as pushy.
I love you.
Now what? How do I start the most important part? Do I just let it all pour out on the paper. Maybe I could then read it over and rework it. But...Oh for Christ's sake, why am I acting like this is some sort of an official document. If there's one thing that Niall's taught me, it's that when you're dealing with feelings, you never try to control it. It has to be perfect, but it has to be natural, it has to be straight from my heart.
"Liam?" I heard Louis' voice from the corridor and a moment later he knocked on my front door.
"Come in, the door's not locked," I called.
He sat in a chair opposite me. He threw the paper in front of me a curious glance, then saw Niall's gorgeous face on my computer and smiled.
"Writing him a letter?"
"Why? Nothing bad, right?"
"No, no. The occassion is actually very happy, but I don't..I don't wanna say anything before he sees it."
"Me and Harry were thinking about going to the theater to catch a movie, and Zayn's coming too. Wanna join us?" he played with the cord of my laptop.
"I don't know, I wanted to finish this...But it won't hurt to take a break," I stretched my arms a little and yawned, "Gosh, the past few days were so stressful."
"Why?" Louis seemed surprised, "We didn't do anything.."
"I haven't been sleeping very well," I was sitting back in my chair.
The thing is, before Niall left for Ireland, we had our days absolutely full - interviews, performances here and there, and most importantly, the new album, we had to record the last few songs and add final touches to the CD as a whole. So I was tired and needed rest, but then my love had to leave me (temporarily, okay).
Louis was smiling, smirking rather, like he knew something I was trying to hide, and it kind of annoyed me.
"Missing him, huh?"
I decided to let it go. The question was somewhat of a...recognition my love for Niall, of what we have. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, had a very happy smile tug on my lips instantly.
"Yeah," I paused, "It's...the feelings I have for him are too strong and now that he's away, it's very difficult sometimes."
I cleared my throat and averted my eyes from Louis' unsettling smirk.
"I know what you mean. When I'm with Eleanor...I mean, even though we don't like, live together and all, after we've spent a few days together and we've parted, I feel this big emptiness, and I'm just really lonely. It's a...it's something normal, the heart, the body aches for...her and her presence..." needless to say, his words were confused and confusing, but I think I got the essence of what he was trying to say.
He remained in his little emotional state for a moment longer and then smiled.
"And it's even weirder when we've only been together for a day or so and we've spent the time...basically having sex, it's even weirder cause sometimes this connection between us reaches it's peak exactly when we're in bed and then we part and..." he waved his hand shortly and shrugged, and I smiled understandingly.
"I know what you mean, it's not a new feeling for me either. But I just, it's never been this strong before. It's really terrible sometimes.."
It seemed that Louis had grasped exactly what I was going through, even though his words were vague and his way of explaining his feelings was quite clumsy. That's something I really love about him, when the serious times come, he is ready to straighten his tie and put the jokes aside.
"Well, I think the fact that you two are so close as friends as well as...partners," partners, you hear that, partners, "has a big role in this. I think...if you think about it, a big part of that gnawing lonely feeling is..it's that you miss your friend." he looked up at me and smiled briefly, "Or at least that's my theory."
I was staring at the screen of my computer and nodding slowly. I love you, Niall.
"Have you two fucked yet?" my eyes snapped to meet Louis' and he smirked again.
"We...well,no, no we haven't."
"It's understandable. I suppose you'd both be quite uncomfortable in sexual situations."
Well, what the fuck should I say now? Play nice, innocent Liam? I was growing quite uncomfortable in the whole conversation as well.
"That's not quite true," I blurted out.
Louis raised his eyebrows and grinend.
"We haven't talked about actually...actually having sex, like...butt sex, you know?" I said thoughtfully, blushing slightly. Maybe I can get Louis to give me some insight on the topic, "I don't even know how we're going to do it. I want it to be special, the first time we do it, because...I odn't know, I guess intercourse has always been very important and special for me."
"Yeah, I know what you mean." Louis nodded.
We were silent. He seemed to be thinking and regarding me and my words.
"Well, okay," he began, "I am not familiar with the details of your relationship, I don't know how things work between you, but...I'll tell you about me and Harry. Because...I know you know about us," he smiled, "We-"
"No, wait, wait, you don't have to tell me, it's private stuff, I don't-" I cut him off, holding up my hands, but then he cut me off.
"It's okay. I trust you, and besides we're not particularly shy about it. Now, listen," Louis clasped his hands together dramatically, "Me and Harry...well, you know we're not much more than friends, very, very close friends, but you know how we'd sometimes..." his face was absolutely sirius, he made a small gesture with his hand, "...take care of each other. And sometimes it's very special. When one of us has had a bad day or just needs comfort or..." he shrugged, "And it's very special, gives you that warm feeling...it's like you have somewhere you belong, you know, home."
He paused with a small, content smile. I nodded and smiled along too. I could almost feel all he had just described. He has more to say, I could see, so I didn't interrupt.
"But we never plan that. And I actually believe that never in a relationship sex or...love making, if you are, if it's that serious, it hsould never be planned. Just be prepared for it, but let it happen. If you plan it, it will always be awkward and slumsy, and..."
I nodded, I understand. I really did. What was I thinking, of course we can't plan it!
"I know what you mea. Thank you for sharing this with me, I really appreciate it, I know what you and Harry have is...extraordinary."
"It is, it is."
And then I thought, what me and Niall have, is it extraordinary? I want it to be.
"But how is that different from your relationship with Eleanor? I mean, she's your girlfriend, isn't that much closer in resemblance to my relationship with Niall?" I was perplexed, but I did have suspicions about the reasons and they were confirmed when Louis spoke.
"It's different, don't ask me why," he said and shook his head and put his elbows on the table, "It's just very different between two guys than it is when there's a girl in teh situation," he paused and I was just opening my mouth when he went on, "With Eleanor it's about the passion and the love, and not as often about comfort. And that's not only due to the fact that we don't see each other very frequently, it's also just the way she is. But it's okay. That's why I have Harry."
For a few minutes we were both silent, each deep in his own thoughts, and then I started gathering my things. I closed my computer and just as I turned around, Katy Perry started singing in my bedroom. A warm thrill ran thorugh my body.
"Is it Niall?" Louis asked with a grin, "I could tell by the way you smiled. Well, I'm gonna go get ready..Maybe I should give Eleanor a call too."
He started for the front door, but I was already entering my bedroom and couldn't be bothered to say anything. My beautiful man is calling.
"Hi," oh, his voice, "I texted you, but you didn't reply, so I decided to call."
I could hear a small smile in his voice.
"You did? Sorry, I didn't see it, been in the other room all morning. What's up?"
"Nothing much, I-" a distant voice could be heard, "Just a second." some static noice and muffled words and then he was back on the line, "Sorry, that was mum. Well, I've been actually quite busy. Met with a lot of friends, today goin out with family, have an interview later today as well."
He paused and I didn't know what to say. I felt weird talking on the phone with him all of a sudden.
"I've been missing you a lot." he added quietly.
I let out a breath.
"You have? Me too. I have trouble sleeping at night..."
"Me too." he was silent again.
It was okay now. I listened to his breathing and pictured him, sitting on his bed, looking breathtakingly adorable and handsome in shorts, perhaps, and a T-shirt. I could just see his captivating eyes fixed on the floor, his hand paying absent mindedly with his hair.
"Well, you're coming back tomorrow. I can't wait."
"Yeah. I have been feeling homesick."
"But you're...oh. Well, you're coming home tomorrow, so that's okay. I'll wait for you at the airport."
"What are you doing today?"
"We're all going to catch a movie in a bit. And then I'll be missing you."
I don't know why, but there was this solemn atmosphere about our conversation. It's never like that with Niall, it's always rainbows and giggles.
"You know what I saw the other day," he began chuckling softly, deeply, "This sketch of someones stomach, and underneath it the author wrote `Some people say they get butterflies in their stomachs. Well, you give me pterodactyles.' So, you just gave me pterodactyles, Liam."
I laughed along with him, because of the pterodactyles and because of how adorable he was.
"I love you," I breathed.
"I love you too, I love you so much."
I clutched my phone.
"Well, I'll see you tomorrow. Call me if there's something..."
I put my phone on the nightstand and went over to my wardrobe to pick out an outfit for later. But my mind was preoccupied - his accent, the image of his sitting on his bed, missing me, missing me, missing me. At least I'm seeing him tomorrow. He's coming home. A specific image kept repeating in my head - me reaching out to touch his neck, his cheek, running the tips of my fingers through his hair...
I can't. I hrew the clothes on my bed and sprinted towards the living room. I opened my computer and seconds later I was logging in to Twitter. I just need to share this. I was just getting ready to write something about how much I miss him, but then I saw that #SmileNialler was a trending topic again, and when I went to his profile my heart melted.
@NiallOfficial: missin someone very close to my heart right now. ireland's amazing, but im missin the lads a lot @Real_Liam_Payne @Louis_Tomlinson @zaynmalik @Harry_Styles love ya guys!!
And I just couldn't help myself.
@Real_Liam_Payne: @NiallOfficial love u too mate, cant wait to see u tomorrow!! #SmileNialler
Next I grabbed my phone and dialed his number as fast as I possibly could, I just needed to hear his voice again and, most importantly, to tell him how much I love him.
"I love you!" I all but shouted as soon as I heard the familiar `click'.
"I love you too. If they only knew how much..."
"I love you. I'll be waiting for you at the airport tomorrow, okay? I can't wait to hold you again!"
"I love you, bye!"
I entered the living room (aka `the comon room', not the one in my flat) with a huge smile. Zayn was making himself breakfast, dancing and singing to the blasting TV. He had a shower cap on, but other than that he was in his boxers.
"Why do you have a shower cap on, man?" I laughed.
"Cuz I don't want my hair to smell like french toast, duuh," he twirled around.
"You look ridiculous!" I was laughing harder now, but then he pointed the wooden spoon in my face and
"I CAN'T BE TAMED!" and I was almost pissing myself while my eyes roamed his toned body, paying close attention to his bulge and to his sculptured legs.
And then I was just lounging on the sofa as he waltzed around, setting down his meal at the coffee table. He sang along with Adele and approached the couch walking sideways with his eyes closed, but then in all the glory of his dramatic steps, his left foot stepped on his right slipper and he tripped and went crashing on the thick red carpet in slow motion. I tell ya, this time I really was pissing myself laughing. Zayn tried to get up, smiling a bit sheepishly, but then Harry appeared at the door and threw himself on him and Zayn started shouting
"Loueh! Loueh, Liam! Harry is bullying me!"
We spent most of the day together, and the movie was pretty good too. I keep having this feeling that it is somehow unfair to Zayn that me and Niall got together and all, even though he never really does anythign to confirm my worries. That's why I hung around him the most. Besides, I like his cologne.
Back home I worked hard on the letter. I did several drafts, but finally got it right. I bet that if it was Niall who's writing it, he wouldn't bother reworking it because he knows that the first time is the most spontaneous and, therefore, the best. But.
I just spent so much time thinking about how to start this letter. The main problem is that I want it to be forward and completely honest about everything I feel, yet I don't want to come across as pushy.
I love you.
You are gorgeous,
brilliant and dashing. You've changed me and my life so much, without even
trying, and it's all for the better. You taught me to be more open, you showed
me how to be carefree and just let go. You taught me that it's okay to be
random, that it's okay to act without thinking first every now and then.
There's no one else like you. You definitely have that one thing, and it's most
certainly gotta be you, Niall. You give me pterodactyls,
My cuddly little leprechaun, my handsome man. I love the way you can go from absolutely adorable laughter to dead serious in a fracture of a second. And you always know what to say, you can be funny, but you can be thoughtful too. I don't know if you even realize how contagious your laugh is, it's all I need sometimes to feel better. Your irresistible eyes I get lost in so often, I could look into them all day and not get tired because they are a window to a million different lands, each straight out of the most marvelous fairytale. And when you smile, the whole room overflows with sunshine, and when I'm with you the world just couldn't be a better place. I literally feel dizzy sometimes when you're in my arms. You are my blond Superman, Niall, and I really want to be yours.
I am ready to go
through anything to be with you, Niall, and to make you happy - there isn't
anyone who deserves to be happy more than you do because your smile gives life
to the most beautiful things on Earth. When I look at you, I feel like I'm
looking at an angel, who's staring back at me, his eyes so heavenly. I love
everything about you. You are my best friend, my closest person, but you are my
lover too - and this is what makes our relationship so unique and wonderful,
it's what gets me to love you as much. Seriously, my feelings for you are
overwhelming sometimes. I want to give you the world, I want to give myself to you. I've never been so in love
in my life, Niall.
You know how they say everyone has that one kiss that was so good in its own way that you compare all that follow to it? I had already experienced that one special kiss, but when you kissed me for the first time, you topped it. Every time my lips touch yours, I'm in heaven. You really are my teenage dream. I've finally found you, my missing puzzle piece. I'm complete. Even in my wildest dreams I never dared to dream of ever being so happy with someone, I never dared to dream of someone like you.
I can't imagine my life without you. I love you, and my head starts to throb when I try to wrap my mind around the concept of just how much I care about you. I am so incredibly thankful that I met you and that we're now where we are. Sometimes I think I may be dreaming because how can something this exceptionally good be true? But I don't care. If it's a dream, than it's the most beautiful of dreams and I pray to never wake up from it. It's filled with bright, magically colorful explosions of happiness and the warm coziness and comfort of home. It's freedom, it's love, it's passion, it's all of the best gifts of the world in one place. All because of you, my lovely.
Niall, will you be my boyfriend?
Lots of love,
A thousand kisses,
A million fleeting gestures,
P.S. Sorry if it came out a little rambley x
I carefully folded the sheets. I wrote his name on the back and then quickly, a bit clumsily, I made the wax stamp. Very close to perfect.
His apartment was unlocked, of course. I entered quietly, feeling slightly bad about barging in. Against my expectations, the place was neatly organized. I inhaled deeply. Niall. My heart squeezed in my chest. I looked around, trying to figure out where the best place to leave the letter would be. The kitchen table? Or his bedroom? I suppose that he'd go to his bedroom first.
I ran my hand over the sky blue sheets. We'd slept in this bed, together, just a few days ago. Why am I feeling like he's left forever. I placed the letter on his nightstand and quickly left.
I woke up early. This night has been the worst so far, thank God it's the last. The pain in my chest is not going away anymore. I sulk around, I wonder if I should maybe call him. My body aches for his body, my fingers long to touch. I picture myself kissing every part of his magnificent body, from his closed eyes and his red lips, through his neck and Adam's apple, his collar bone and his nipples, the soft skin of his belly and down his treasure trail, the insides of his legs, until I finally reach the one thing that seems to have taken a major place in my mind now. His penis. I am fascinated by the thought of seeing it again, of touching it again. Isn't it just thrilling? To think that inside his trousers, inside his boxers hides this glory? It's just delightful to know that I will be able to take care of it soon.
I wait for an hour, maybe more. I know I'm early, but I just cannot wait to see him. I pace around, I drink coffee. Several vague, very imaginary, but maybe about to become reality, scenes were on replay in my head, all involving him and his stunning smile and his lean body. I felt on the verge of tumbling down into an enormous black pit, the pit of self pity (makes sense, doesn't it?) because of overreacting.
The doors open and close again and again. No sign of my man. The plane he was supposed to be on already arrived, where is he.
The doors open again and there he is. He is walking slowly, confidently, he has a slightly irritated look on his gorgeous face. I see a guy from the security trailing close behind, but he ignores him. He takes a few steps outside the doors, people walk past him, his eyes are searching for me. I move forward, the guy with me moves too. I hope he sees me, but he's already attacked by fans. I've already given my share of autographs on the airport, I don't care anymore.
He smiles politely, takes a few pictures, but I know he's not sincere, his gaze is constantly roaming the airport. He hasn't seen me yet. I could shout, but I don't want to draw attention. He takes a few more steps forward and he's almost out of the stream of people and girls.
His eyes land on me.
I am chewing on my lip, my eyes are watering and my smile is threatening to split my face. He smiles and holds my gaze and keeps smiling. My baby's home.
I can't have such a reaction in public, but I can't help it. It's Niall. He's here.
He finally reaches me, he doesn't care for autographs and pictures anymore either. For a second we don't know how to approach the situation, then I pull him into an awkward half-hug. It does not last long, but I feel we both want to keep our bodies in contact - our fingers are left touching, a harmless gesture, while he picks up the handle of his suitcase.
We are in the car, his suitcase is in the trunk and I get in the driver's seat. He is waiting for me. We made small talk on the way to the parking, he's had a good flight, he had fun in Ireland, he couldn't sleep last night, he took a nap on the flight. I close my door and turn to face him. The moment I've been waiting for. I don't care if there's a 3.2% chance that someone will walk by and recognize us.
He reaches out and takes my hand in his and squeezes it and brings our faces together. We are centimeters apart and his cologne is intoxicating, his eyes have enchanted me. Our lips connect, I shut the rest of the world out. I want to feel, feel and savor the sensation, the flooding relief, the incredible warmth. There we go, his other hand is on my waist. My Niall is home.
When we break the kiss, we don't pull away from each other. I feel him starting to squirm in his seat, just a little, but he stays close. We kiss again and then we kiss again. Then I kiss his cheek, and then his neck, and then I pull away. I reach to the backseat and sudddenly a small, pretty bouquet of flowers is in my hand.
"I didn't want you feeling like a girl, but..." I hand it to him and he clamps his mouth shut and smiles.
The ride home was an ordinary, fun one. He
told me everything about what he'd done in Ireland, I told him about our days
without him and about how Zayn and Louis are leaving for the weekend too. Of
course we shared loving looks!
I was growing more and more excited, but I was a little anxious too. I had a great feeling about what his answer was going to be, yet I couldn't help but worry. Is it too soon? Is it good to put labels on our relationship? Is he ready? Not that anything too bad would happen if the answer is `no'.
I pulled up in parking lane in front of our apartment building and quickly jumped out of the car. A second later I was at his door, holding it for him. He was headed for the trunk when I got a great idea and I took a step towards him and swept him off his feet.
I love the way he fits in my arms. I just love love love it.
He grinned up at me and I grinned down at him. I carried him up the steps to the front door.
"Open the door, it should be unlocked."
He turned the doorknob and I carried him inside and planted a soft kiss on his temple.
"Guys! Niall is home, guys! Mister leprechaun is home!"
It later turned out that the house was empty, but that didn't really matter. I carried him to the living room, and he pressed his body close to mine and burried his face in my neck. I threw him down on the couch (gently) and we made out for some time, but then he announced that he needed to bring his stuff in and that he needed to pee and to shower, so I let him go.
I began preparing lunch. Nervously. Because he was now in his flat and...You know?
I took out a few things from the fridge, then put them back in. I busied myself looking through the kitchen drawers and cupboards. Maybe I shoudln't have. Maybe I should have waited. My heart was pounding in my chest, literally, I could hear it and it was scary.
"Liam!" once again I got butterflies - or pterodactyls, in my stomach, but I was also terrified.
I heard the sound of feet moving fast echoing through the house and soon Niall appeared at the entrance to the living room in his red hoodie. He didn't even stop, he tackled me in a great loving Horan hug, and I wrapped my arms around him in the same manner. He didn't say anything, but inside I rejoiced. He rocked us a little, from side to side.
"Yes," he said.
I squeezed him harder and kissed his neck repeatedly, I love him so much, I love him.
Forget about lunch, forget about the world, get lost in each other's embrace. It's what we did, on the couch. We kissed and touched and talked and caressed and laughed and kissed again and again. He ended up on his knees, unbuttoning my jeans, taking my dick straight out and giving me head. I writhed and groaned, and when I finally reached a climax, I squeezed my eyes tightly shut and sort of slumped my shoulder forward and tried to cradle my own body, shaking violently, and in my mind the images were jumbled up and fuzzy, but I realized that I never want to see Niall in a position where he might be perceived as inferior to me. Yes yes yes yes yes yes echoed around and around
We went out that night. Not on a date, but still sort of on a date. We walked around London and then ate pizza. We slept in my apartment. During the night I woke up only once, to pee, and when I came back I woke Niall up with gentle kisses and we had a short, sloppy and sleepy make out session and then I fell asleep with my boyfriend half holding me.