It suddenly sounds somehow...unnatural. Or does it? Does it really, Liam? Or is it maybe that you're looking too much into things again? Liam?
It's true, it's doesn't really sound unnatural, but it is a bit weird. Up till now I've always thought of myself as the boyfriend. And now Niall is the boyfriend too. My boyfriend.
My boyfriend. It is a bit...scary, yet exciting. Fascinating even. Because I'm lying in bed with my best friend who is my boyfriend as well. Because sometimes I reach the peak of pleasure, the top of the candy mountain, with him, undressed or not, because it's his embrace, his lips that arouse me and get me there, that can get me everywhere. It's scary because it's new. But, it seems that for the first time I am ready to embrace something new, this big of a change in my life.
Maybe I'll get used to referring to Niall as my boyfriend, and maybe I won't. He's my boy, my man, my blond Irishman, my lovely leprechaun. My wonderful Niall - and somehow these precious names are what make out relationship extraordinary.
We're in my apartment. It's quite warm and pleasant. The album is finished. A new single is coming out next week, it's called `Hopefully' and it talks about how we're so often afraid of the future and about how we have these hopes that this or that will happen, that we'll be happy, that it will stop being so difficult. I personally think it's very moving song, especially since we, as a successful band, are a very good example of how things do turn out alright, in a lot of ways.
Niall is vey tired because we travelled a lot today and there's a lot we did and have to do tomorrow. The next...month is going to be very busy. He is trying to watch TV, but he's constantly nodding off. I am vey tired as well, but tonight seems like the perfect time to finally finish reading Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows. I have about 70 pages left, and I am confident that I will be able to swallow them in an hour.
I smiled down at my boy. The definition of adorable, covered by the green sheets, only his blond head poking out. It would have been nice if he was awake while I read, so we could maybe share a smile every now and then, a kiss perhaps. But I'm fine with hearing him sleep too. I didn't even bother speaking. I gently shook his shoulder and he cracked his marvelously blue eyes open.
"You're nodding off." I said, keeping myself propped up on my elbow.
He smacked his lips and moved his jaw and swallowed while I kept smiling at his cuteness. He placed the remote control on his nightstand, then, confusedly, handed it to me and turned on his side to face me. He covered himself almost completely. I kissed his cheek.
"Good night," I said and he kissed my arm and then fell asleep almost instantly.
I kept watching him with a smile. Smiles are more than common these days. For both of us. I had this indescribable feeling that if my love for Niall grew just a bit more, I'd burst in a cloud of paper hearts and butterflies in every color of the raibow. Who knows, a unicorn or two might appear too. It's the way his soft hair falls on his face, the way he has one arm tucked under his pillow, the way his chest is rising and falling, the smooth features of his face, his slightly pursed lips, the faint traces of facial hair along his jaw line... I just want to tall a climb building, the tallest in the world, and stand proud up on the roof and shout to the world that I, Liam Payne, love my voyfriend, Niall Horan.
And I don't know if you've noticed this too, but I am gradually becoming more and more of a cheesy fool, way more than before.
We talked briefly about this the other day, about coming out. We were in the studio, having quick lunch and we would have carried on with the conversation for a long time, but the guys joined us and Niall went silent.
What both surprised me and came across as quite understandable was him being much more reluctant about coming out to our parents and family than about telling the world. He said he pretty much doesn't give a shit about what anyone apart from friends and family might say, even though he's fully aware that it's going to be a big deal and we might have to face nasty stuff. But when I brought up the fact that we'd have to talk to our families first, his demeanor changed. The little careless smile he'd been keeping on his face shriveled and folded over itself and flew away, and his eyelids fluttered, and his eyebrows did impossible twists, and his gaze acquired a badly faked hardness. He tried to hide it, but worry seeped into his voice and slowly took over his whole body as we spoke. I didn't want him to know that I've seen through his crumbling mask, so I just gently squeezed his hand.
To be honest, I am quite...scared about it as well. I'd most certainly skip over it if I could. Who knows what my folks would say. Especially dad...he's a very open minded man, yet he's lived in very different times. And although I know they are both somewhat supportive of the gay community, I can't help but be doubtful that he will be as acceptive when it comes to his own son being bisexual.
But at the same time, I can't wait to put an end to the torture of not being able to show Niall how much I love him whenever I feel like it. Cause it was easy in the beginning, we didn't have a problem with acting like we always do because we've never been shy about showing affection. But as our relatioship progressed and we got even closer, it's been increasingly difficult to keep it to the usual banter. I always have to stop my hand from slipping around his waist, my lips from searching for his lips. And if we just reveal the secret...freedom would be granted, almost.
I think I'd want to go air diving one day. It's true that I have a fear of heights, but it would be nice.
We're going to talk about it more. I have faith that if we're in it together, we'll manage. May sound like a foolish conclusion, but it's what love does to you, and that's fine.
Now let me slowly, calmy immmerse myself into the wonderful depths of this magic world because it gives me peace the same way, almost, as Niall does.
And now, the last pages, the last pages - they, they are the bearers of the magnificent climax that is about to take place right in front of my eyes. I hear the light snoring, but I smell the forest too. What, what is going to happen, I want to know, but I feel myself jumping from word to word and sliding across the paragraphs from shore to shore, not quite appreciating the beauty of the waters, not quite recognizing every pebble and clownfish, and they all have their role here. I stop myself, I go back, and now it's fine. Oh, Harry, do whatever you have to do, don't let this guy win! I will be sad if you die, but if that is what it takes...All the people who died, no, no, it's not your fault, Harry, you don't have to pay, but...
I am taking in all of this, the magnitude of the nobility of which I am a silent, humble spectator, is overwhelming. And I suppose that that is why I feel the urge to use words such as valiance and fortitude. Oh, the triumph, the impossible glory!
It's happening, it really is, silently, but it is, it is. It's there, but it's here and it's all around, do you understand? I feel small and incredibly honored to have witnessed events so out of this world, yet somehow familiar, close to my being. It's the power of the clustered letters and the way they take me in their embrace and away. Deep inside my own head?
And now it's over.
I clutch the hard, beautiful orange covers and then my fingers relax. It's okay. It's okay now. I am sad, I am exceptionally and perhaps excessively sad to leave you, but still, you live here. And now I am calm, I have this small sad? smile. I am not dramatic anymore. It's quiet all around, save for the blond boy next to me who is rarely silent. I am back in another world now, but not quite. It's silent all around because I turned the volume of the TV down a long time ago. And now it's just wordless, powerless images flashing and my boyfriend, he is bathed by the soft yellow glow of the lamp on my nightstand too, and he's beautiful too. But I am alien in this world now, and I cannot change this no matter how much I try to bring back the feelings. It's okay. It's fine. I enjoy being the alien, for now.
It's that feeling that you are way, way above everything which is part of this reality because you have been touched by another one and now you are different. You can smile sadly, you can smile condescendingly, you can smile with a mixture of happy and sad condescension. No one here can understand and that is fine.
It doesn't matter if I call him my boyfriend or my man or just Niall now, it's all so distant. If he was awake, he wouldn't understand, and that's alright. He'd try to, I know he'd make an attempt, he'd smile, but the smile would say `I'm awfully happy to see that you're that affected by a book, but I have no idea what you're talking about.' And that's fine. I doubt that anyone could exactly understand, even if we finished the book at the same time, the feeling is unique.
And if I were to walk the streets now, people would seem small and pathetic, but in a bad way. They go about in herds or not wearing masks of stress, and they rush by you and shove you, and they look at you strange when you're ust smiling that small little smile, and their minds are preoccupied with things that don't really matter. But me, I come from another place, I come from a different world. And I am going to do my best to stay the alien, to stay aside from your blending crowds. I am going to keep my little smile and walk slowly and feel the pleasant wind and listen to the birds in the branches and not care if I look strange to you. It's the least I can do to honor the ones who died, the least I can do to get even a bit closer to the heroism of the ones who fought with their everything.
I'd smile, and feel light. No one would understand, and that's fine.
It's time to go. I move my thumbs up and down the cover one final time and then place the heavy volume on my nightstand. I turn off the TV and I turn off the lights and I begin my return to this reality by spooning Niall. What a wonderful night this is. All worries that plagued my mind two hours ago now seem ridiculous. I have everything, I can do anything.
"Niall," I whisper in his ear, but he doesn't stir, "Niall!" my whisper is more persistent now and he moves his head as I slip my arm under his T-shirt, "Niall, baby.."
"You really need to stop waking me up when it's not time to wake up..." he mumbles loudly and the volume of his voice startles me.
"I finished reading the book," I whisper again.
"Okay, go to sleep now."
"It's was amazing."
"Okay, I love you, go to sleep."
I remained silent and just as I could hear his breathing slow down again, I said:
"Niall, it was really epic."
He jerked in my embrace and started moving around.
"For God's sake! Okay, come here and let me hold you, come on. Come here."
In the little light coming through the balcony I moved so that I was lying on my back and he had his arms wrapped around me from the side. It was a very good night.
"I...Why do we have to do it? Why now?" he was moving his foot up and down restlessly and he gripped the seat in front of him.
"You know why. Please. Don't you wanna us to be able to show how happy we are together and kiss and all anywhere we are?" I placed my hand on his knee. We were in the back of the van, waiting for Harry and Louis so we could leave for the interview. Zayn was outside, smoking, knowing me and Niall had some important stuff to settle, "And besides, it's mid August already, there's less than a month till we're gonna be on Ellen. I really think that would be the perfect time to tell the world too."
"You're pressuring me." he said quietly, looking out the window, still moving his knee up and down and up and down.
"I am. I am? Sorry," I squeezed his hand, "I'm sorry. I don't want to pressure you. But still, think about it, please!"
"I am thinking about it. And I know that you're right, I know it will be much better that way, but..." he looked at me and shook his head and tried to say something, but couldn't.
And I didn't know what to say either. I didn't want to pressure him at all, yet I really, really wanted to get this over with.
"I suppose it would be much better if we just got this over with," Niall sighed and I smiled.
"Just know that even if you change your mind...it's okay, I'm still going to do it, just not..I just won't mention you, I will say it's just someone I've met..." I said.
True, that would make coming out pointless because our relationship will still be secret, but now I feel guilty.
"No, you're right." he took a deep breath. He was irresistible in his tight black shirt, "But you'll come with me. And I have no idea when the fuck we're going to do this..."
That was a real problem. Our days are packed.
"I suppose we'll just have to make time...We can fly to Ireland after the performance in Birmingham next week, we have the following day off, right?"
"We could do that."
We were silent. I was still squeezing his hand.
"Have dinner with me tonight?" my boy asked all of a sudden and I grinned.
"I am going to, but where?"
"My apartment." he grinned back and I laughed and his grin got wider.
He shoved me playfully with his shoulder. I shoved him back, smiling, and he climbed on the seat and pushed me and I was on my back. He dove in and kissed me.