“Your smile is adorable.”
I froze with my mouth ajar and my eyebrows raising an inch, taking in what Zayn had just said with that thoughtful expression and low voice. He immediately snapped his eyes down and got up from his chair. He turned away from me, his fists were clenched and I noticed a bad looking bruise running across the back of his left hand. He turned again and raised an arm.
“Sorry,” he said.
His arm fell to his side. I could see the painful conflict on his face - you never see so much emotion on Zayn’s face. He picked up his empty plate from the table and strode to the sink. My eyes followed him. I wanted to say something because the tension was suffocating, but I had no idea what I could say to…fix this? My thoughts were a dark bundle, the only prominent feeling was the one of terrible embarrassment, for Zayn and for myself too. I watched as he slammed the plate into the sink and threw his fork in there too and the awful clank made me jump in my seat.
He headed out of the room and I could see that his jaw was tightly set, his expression was one of fury. I was so scared, I hadn’t felt that scared since that memorable day in Spain.
And I just didn’t have the slightest clue what to do. I can’t lead him on, but he is hurting and I want to fix things once and for all. My feelings for him were much deeper than I could alloww myself to think they are, back then at least. And I still think it was mostly the sexual desire that comprised them, yet I couldn’t quite distinguish between the feelings anymore and that scared me too.
I finished my breakfast. I put the used plates in the dishwasher. I started ascending the steps to the third floor. With every step, I became more confident because I had ordered things in my mind. It’s true that I was under Niall’s influence, but a big part of me still clung to organization and perfectionism.
I knocked on his apartment’s door, but no answer came. I waited, I knocked again, I called his name, and then I assumed he’d somehow went out without me hearing him. I was turning to go back to the second floor feeling guiltier than ever when I saw that he was out on the patio.
He had his sunglasses on and I don’t know if he looked at me when I walked out through the sliding glass door. I dropped into a lounge chair next to him. For a long while I didn’t say anything because it was just so. fucking. weird.
“It’s okay. That you said that. I know you don’t mean to be causing…problems between me and Niall,” he sighed without acknowledging my presence, but his hands were balled into fists yet again, “I feel like…we never talked about this the way we should have.”
“Talked about what?”
He was looking down at his hands with that expression that immediately tells you he’s hiding his emotions. While I was just trying to get over my annoyance over his attitude.
“About how we-, how you really feel. I used to think we had talked it through, that everything was clear, but I see it isn’t. And…I know it must be bothering you.”
“What do you want to know about how I feel?”
I let out an exasperated breath and tilted my head.
“I have no idea how to deal with my feelings, that’s the fucking problem.” he said, giving up on his game and finally looking at me.
Maybe he expected me to speak, but that was as far as my plans ran.
“I don’t want to try to…stand between you and Niall, I really don’t, and I’m so sorry if it ever seemed otherwise. I’m happy for you two, I’m happy to see you happy. But I still…do have feelings for you, and they are messing with everything and I let my tongue slip this morning. I fucking let it slip, I’m sorry!” he pounded his leg.
“Zayn, it’s fine,” was all I could get out, that single lame phrase. I had to tell him, but how? “And if you must know, I’ve been feeling…things too, and I feel bad about it. Not about having feelings for you, but you know, because I’m with Niall.”
He watched me for a second with a small smile and I loved the way it seemed to get to his eyes, not that I could see them behind his sunglasses.
“We’re fucked,” he said, but I didn’t hear him right.
“I said ‘we are fucked’. I know we didn’t fuck,” Zayn chuckled and I looked away with a hint of pretense awkwardness.
“It’s not that bad,” I said finally, “But I want to be with Niall. I’m in love with him and he’s…” but I realized I shouldn’t talk too much about that in Zayn’s presence, “I’m just trying to say that between you and me it’s different and although I wish we could have something, I’m hoping my feelings are going in the direction of…” I waved my hand, “brotherly affection.”
He nodded and moved his jaw.
“I wish we could have something too. To be fair, I think it would be quite…bumpy, but still, it would be beautiful. Either way, I understand what you’re saying and I’m going to hope for that too. Maybe I’ll find someone. But…well, knowing that you still have something for me changes things, it’s comforting.”
And even though it wasn’t much of a talk, I was satisfied.
I kissed his smooth cheek upon plopping down on the couch. He turned to look at me and his wonderfully blue eyes sparkled because of that adorable smile. He rubbed the top of his head in my neck, then relaxed into my side. It wasn’t that cuddly position where I necessarily have to have my hand holding him tightly to my body. He was just leaning on me and I was playing with his shirt.
I suppose we’re on to another stage of our relationship now. And I think this one is better because it’s got everything. I still feel empty if we don’t sleep together. I still feel lonely if we haven’t been able to spend time together during the day. But we’re past that constant need for the other. We don’t feel like we should be touching each other every chance we get. We’re back to being Niall and Liam with the spectacular addition of an occasional loving kiss, affectionate touch, happy glance, and the knowledge that we have each other, we actually do. You know? We’re fully back to being brothers, but the bond between us is much, much stronger now because it’s coated with the riveting love you feel for that special one, the epitome of everything you’ve ever dreamed about.
And here I am, comfortably sprawled on the sofa after dinner, watching The Big Bang Theory as my boy reads a sports? magazine. Tonight we chose to retire to Niall’s apartment and spend some time alone. He looked too focused to be disturbed, so I remained quiet until he shifted.
“Wanna head to bed soon?”
“No, I don’t feel tired yet.”
We might be on to the next stage, but I still love to cuddle him. So I buried my nose in the vanilla cloud of his hair and kissed the top of his head over and over again. At some point it became a pleasant mechanical action because my attention was focused on the show on TV.
“I love you,” he mumbled distractedly, as if to remind me of that astonishing fact.
“I love you too.”
When the show ended, I went to the bathroom to take a piss and do my evening bathroom rituals that now exclude masturbating every three days. Niall’s bathroom is more than familiar to me now, but my toothbrush was in my flat.
I returned with a magazine of my own to find Niall settling on the sofa with his guitar in hand. I turned off the ceiling lights, leaving only the tall lamp between the armchair I dropped into and the sofa to bathe us in its soft glow. But my boyfriend decided to smile and augment that glow and I beamed back.
“Are you going to play anything specific?” I asked.
He briefly looked up from his lap.
“I just wanna try out a few things.”
I smiled and turned my attention to my magazine. Of course, I couldn’t focus on a single word. I didn’t want to disturb Niall’s concentration, so I pretended to be reading, but kept watching him out of the corner of my eye. It always fascinates me how skilled his fingers are, when he plays I always feel like he’s caressing the strings, enchanting them. And his face takes the most adorable of expressions, he sometimes bites on his lip gently.
He experimented with various tones, and sometimes it sounded pretty bad, but in the end he succeeded and fell into a simple, yet very harmonious melody that warmed my soul. The sounds were shy and they tiptoed one after the other, tiny beings that my blond man effortlessly weaved into a fine, misty veil and that veil hung in the air and around us, enveloped my mind and body. Every new tone hit a different spot inside of me, the same way that the piano hammers hit the strings and create a fairytale. Niall extended the melody, added a few things and the smile wouldn’t leave my face and my eyes wouldn’t stop filling with emotional tears because my heart was overflowing with love for that little man, for everything he is. It’s fantastic what music can do to you.
I flung my magazine to the coffee table and jumped on the couch landing on my knees and began planting kisses on the side of Niall’s head and on his cheek and neck while he giggled and tried saving his guitar. Once he’d managed to place it on the floor, far from us, I wrapped my arms around him and clumsily laid him on his back, all the while kissing his face. I finally reached his lips and the kiss was a bit forceful, kind of clumsy, but that’s mainly because he started giggling again and I was just so happy. I opened my eyes and attempted to take everything in, how close I was to him and how my hands were holding his smaller body, how his mesmerizing eyes were literally sparkling again, how his face mirrored mine in the expression of pure happiness. For the millionth time I thought and said
“I love you.”
and received a kiss in return.
Many minutes later we were just sitting there with silly grins plastered across out faces. You could say we were watching TV.
“I’ve been thinking, there’s so much more I should have included in the letter…” I said thoughtfully.
“I don’t know, every time you do something sweet, every time you move around, these different thoughts about how much I love you cross my mind. I should start writing them down. Or like, in the very end where I ask you to be my boyfriend,” I paused and smiled brightly and Niall looked up at me smiling too, “I was thinking that maybe it would have been better if I’d written something like ‘Will you be mine?’ or something of the sort..”
Niall moved his hand to my knee.
“Well.” he began, “I’m yours anyways, so it’s not a big deal that you didn’t write that…”
He laughed to cover up his momentarily display of thoughts and feelings from a level he doesn’t typically show. I took a moment to savor the feeling of pterodactyls in my stomach and then squeezed him to my body:
“Aaaww, are we getting corny now!”
He kept giggling and he tried to squirm out of my arms, but I held him tight and planted a few kisses on his head. We were silent then, just taking pleasure in the other’s presence, the warmth of his body.
“Niall, are we still going to Mullingar on Wednesday?”
And that is how I ruined my boy’s night.
One Direction performed their new single left and right, and the five members of One Direction were feeling tired almost all the time. Not because of performing so often, but because of all the travelling we did, from this radio to that radio, from this town to that town, get up at 6, go to this place, practice this song, learn this, do this. I hit the pillow with a content sigh every night, right next to my beautiful Irishman.
And so Sunday came and I had to get in the car and tremulously drive to the hotel my parents had chosen to stay at, the band being in Newcastle.
Martha’s reaction really pissed me off. And even though he didn’t snap at her the way I did, Niall was quite irritated too. We’re both enough stressed out, and what does she do? She goes ahead to say that the prospects of us getting a positive reaction from either of our families aren’t big enough and we have no reason to insist on coming out now, in the middle of the promotion for the new album and tour. She kept saying that it would affect the band’s performance too much, that it’s not what’s important now. And I just couldn’t believe she of all people would be on this side.
I was determined to be forward about it, to show confidence and stand my grounds, yet not appear too aggressive about the subject. They’re my parents after all. But I had to be prepared for the worst. And after a shaky hug from Niall and a few awkward ones from the boys, after a kiss that failed to make me feel better because it was all too…forced, I had to fight the urge to demand more support from my confused boyfriend and face my parents in the sunny hotel room.
They were perplexed, they had been ever since I asked them to come to Newcastle because I wouldn’t be able to travel home anytime soon. I had imagined many disastrous scenarios must have crossed their poor minds - my kidneys aren’t doing well, the band is going through a bad time…
But they took it well. Fairly well. Mom had a short moment of digesting the news and then reached out to hold my hand and, with a certain pretense, assure me they accept me and my decisions, as long as I am happy. But then she noticed that Dad was looking down at his hands with a terrifying, expressionless mask on his face. She withdrew her hand. I mustered up all the remaining courage and asked for his opinion, asked him to say something. He moved his fingers and his lips moved. He said that he never expected anytihng like this from me and I was crushed. He said they support me and respect my decisions, as long as I am happy. He warned me to be careful. I thanked him, I explained that I’ve never been happier in my life. And after a thick silence, I got up to leave. My mother hugged me and wished me well, Dad tried to smile and shook my hand. I asked them not to contact Niall’s folks.
He will need time, is what I kept telling myself. Although I couldn’t wrap my head around why he’d need time, no matter how much I tried.
I gave Niall a much more colorful version of my talk with the parents. I was hoping it would subdue his own fears for Wednesday, and who knows, maybe it did.
“So when’s your flight, are you going to make it back in time to go out?” Harry asked, his mouth full.
Niall remained focused on his food.
“We have to be at the airport at about 7-7:30. So that means we’ll hopefully be landing at 9,” I explained, “And I don’t know if we’ll be going out with you guys, depends on how the day goes,” I finished carefully.
We were munching on breakfast at a Starbucks back in London, working on finishing as quick as possible because the job can’t wait. No one said anything.
“I’m sorry Niall and I have been spending more time alone than with you guys lately, we don’t mean to be separating ourselves or anything. Things will hopefully be back to normal once this is done.” I said placing my cup back on the table with a sigh.
I looked to Niall for support, but he was still silent.
“We understand, it’s alright. It’s…yeah, you’re going through stuff, we will be as supportive as we can,” Louis said. He poured a little milk in his coffee.
I don’t want to wear black, except for shoes maybe, but the trousers must be in a dark color. A simple shirt? A blazer? Cardigan?
The inside of my closet had been staring at me for the past 10 minutes (at the least). Tuesday evening. Niall was shaking. We decided we’d go out, just the two of us, in hopes that this would put his nerves at ease for the time being at least.
“I wish we could go somewhere where we’d be completely alone,” he said, “So we can just…be free in what we do and say.”
I frowned and tried to find a solution, tried to make my love’s wish come true.
“I could call Martha and have her make reservations for dinner and arrange things so we can be alone,” I replied, ready to do anything within the realm of my abilities and even reach out further in order to make him happy.
“You mean book the whole restaurant or..?”
“I suppose, or just part of the place, as long as we have complete privacy.”
He nodded and smiled briefly.
And here I am, trying to pick an outfit, make myself handsome for my man. This night has to be pretty much fucking great for him because I can’t bear seeing him so troubled anymore. I know it’s just eating him on the inside and it’s all I care about, fuck my parents’ reaction, fuck the fact that we won’t tell Simon personally.
I laid out a pair of dark navy blue trousers, then my best white dress shirt. I regarded the clothes and decided the shirt was too formal for the trousers or for the occasion, so I picked out another white one. I dressed slowly, taking my time to straighten out the sleeves of the shirt and tuck it in my trousers. I left the top two buttons open. I looked very handsome indeed - the shirt hugged my chest and arms perfectly, subtly outlining the most important bits, and the tiny patch of hair on my chin added a remarkable final touch to my masculine appearance. I was ready.
“Niall!” I called, closing the door to my apartment, jacket in hand.
“I’m in the living room, babe!” came his reply and did he really say ‘babe’.
I heard his laugh roll around the room a few seconds later, apparently he was with someone in there, and that meant that his worries were gone. Ah, yes. I entered the living room and saw my boy sitting next to Harry.
Niall turned to look at me and his expression immediately changed. His crazy cute grin disappeared, his eyes widened. I actually felt a bit flustered when his eyes traveled all over my body.
“You are quite…ravishing too…” I muttered, my own eyes taking the journey down from his stunning as per usual hair, to the thin grey jumper that clung to his torso invited me to slide my hands all over it.
“How do you come up with these words…” I heard Harry saying.
My man wore a pair of dark trousers that, believe it or not, didn’t sag low on his hips. After a few quiet moments of staring at each other, I leaned down and kissed his cheek and then plopped down on the other side of Harry.
“How are you, Haz?” I clamped a hand on his shoulder.
“You two going on a date?” he asked, picking up the remote.
I leaned forward to look at Niall, expecting him to answer for both of us.
“Yep. Going to enjoy some alone time. Take our minds off all of this shit, hopefully,” he flashed me a smile.
“So that means I can’t tag along and cockblock?” Harry said slowly, turning first to me, then to Niall who burst into laughter immediately.
“Nope, no, you can’t,” I shoved him playfully and he laughed too.
We arrived at the restaurant in a cab, trying to remain as invisible as possible. I held the door for my boyfriend. Martha had done her job well. The restaurant was a two story building, and after we crossed the salon full of dining and conversing people, a middle aged waiter in a white shirt and a nice dark green vest led us up a flight of stairs to the quiet second floor. I had expected them to have set up just a regular table, but they had actually cleared out the hall as best as they could. Most of the tables were pushed back towards the walls. A single table stood in the middle, with two appealing chairs standing at an angle. Next to it was a restaurant cart with a single champagne bucket. The waiter stopped by the entrance and showed us to the table.
“The reservation was for two, are we waiting for someone else?” the man asked politely, letting a bit of his puzzlement show on his face.
“No, it’s just us,” I replied firmly, but smiled faintly.
“Very well.” he put on a mask of cold indifference.
Thankfully, Niall didn’t catch on the guy’s attitude. He was already sitting in one of the chairs and I hurried to join him. The waiter handed us a fancy menu each and after we said we wouldn’t be ordering anything to drink yet, he informed us that he would come shortly to take our order.
“Niall,” I began when the man left, “Listen to me for a second. Please, enjoy this, okay? Forget everything and be here with me…” I felt like it would need much more to convince him, to help him relax, but nothing came to mind, so I smiled hesitantly.
He sighed deeply. He looked around while my discomfort rose, then nodded a couple of times with a serious expression. I smiled.
We explored the menus.
“I’m just gonna order…” Niall said at one point, but then found something interesting among the dishes and trailed off, “I’m just gonna order a lot of food, alrght? Lots of delicious stuff, so you don’t have to order too much.”
I grinned without replying. He was so focused on the menu…I put my hand over his for a second and he extended his thumb to rub it affectionately, still intent on his reading.
And he did order tons of stuff, but that was perfectly okay with me because it was all delightful. I refused to have any alcohol no matter how much he insisted. Throughtout the whole night I watched his mood slowly change, the smile on his face growing and his eyes glowing brighter with every remark I made. Because I did my best to let go of all worry too and be with my Niall, discuss topics we hadn’t had the time for in a long time, tell old jokes, keep the grin on his beautiful face. I couldn’t stop marveling at the way his Adam’s apple bobbed when he spoke (I made a mental note to lick around that spot next time we were in bed), or at the adorable narrow dimples which formed around his mouth whenever he laughed. His accent gradually got thicker, sending thrills down my body; his face was illuminated in glorious ways. At one point he got up to go to the bathroom and I admired the way his pants hugged his ass. In spite of the strands of arousal that slightly hindered my judgement, waves of happiness washed over me when I once again reflected on just how lucky I was to have him in my life - and not only that, as my best friend and boyfriend too.
“Dessert?” I asked when he took his seat again.
We remained at our table for a long time after we’d finished with all the food, just talking. Somehow we reached the topic of cooking and he told me about how he’d gotten Louis’ lazy ass interested and how they’ve been trying to find time to prepare a few things. I kept shaking my head in disbelief, prompting him to tell me more and wondering, how the fuck is it possible that always when we’re spending time together, we manage to have wonderful conversations.
When the time came to order the bill and get ready to leave, however, his mood dropped almost immediately. Oh, he tried to hide it, but he quickly gave up because I mean, come on, I know all of his ‘im hiding something’ faces. And there was nothing I could do but sigh heavily and keep my hand around his shoulders until we walk out of the restaurant.
On the way back Niall was quiet. When we got home, we found the boys finishing a box of pizza in the kitchen. I wish we’d stayed with them for a minute or two, perhaps they would have been able to get the smile back on his face. But we headed for his flat.
I was in our bedroom, unbuttoning the last few buttons of my shirt when he came in and my heart dropped because he was so pale and the corners of his mouth were pointing straight at the floor. He was in his boxers only and he took a few steps towards his side of the bed. I blocked his way and I took him in my embrace, one hand going in his hair, and kissed his temple repeatedly. He pressed his face in my shoulder - we’ve been in this position so many times before. It took me a second to realize he was trembling, barely noticeable shivers, but they were there and it made me tighten my arms around him.
“Bed. Come on,” I said softly.
I left a single light on, the one on my nightstand, and dove in bed. We laid facing each other, I held Niall’s hands in mine and frantically searched for the right words.
“I’m just worried. And a bit scared,” he said simply. I moved in closer to his body, “I have a really bad feeling cause I know them, I know how my father will react. And…I mean, it’s not the reaction I’m most…scared of, it’s…I don’t even know, everything rational in me is screaming that it will be fine in the end, I’m just so scared.”
Oh, my poor boy. What hurt the most was that I knew the feeling and I knew there was nothing I could say that would make him feel even remotely better about tomorrow.
“And I know, I know that there are many people who are in far worse situations than us, with coming out I mean, but…I can’t help it! I-” he shrugged helpessly.
“It’s okay. It’s very normal to be scared, and it’s okay. Just…keep in mind that no matter what happens, we’re going to stay together, it won’t have an effect on our relationship, okay?” it just came to me, to be honest, but I think it worked. Kind of, “Didn’t tonight help at all?”
“It did! Thank you, it was amazing. But-“
Niall shook his head as if trying to mechanically get rid of all the troubles. He laid still for so long, staring at the ceiling.
“Let’s go to sleep now, I’ll…” he took a deep breath after many minutes, “I’ll have to go thorugh with it.”
He rolled to his other side and backed up in my arms. I cuddled him to my body.
“Wait, goodnight kiss?”
He gave me a sweet peck.
The cold, pale morning lights barged into the comfort of our sleep. They stripped our embrace of all warmth and made us squint our too tired eyes. A churning mix of hunger, dread and anticipation bullied our stomachs. We dressed quickly and silently, yawning and cursing the alien sensation of fear. Fear of what? Rejection and harsh, stabbing words from the ones that have always provided comfort and understanding. But the hope that everything will be back to its familiar dimensions still shimmered within me.
I packed a little bag with things of first need, just in case. On the kitchen island we found a note in Louis’ handwriting:
Good luck. We love you :)
I showed it to Niall and he smiled. Walking towards the waiting car, he kept looking back at our apartment building with a sort of a wild desperation to photograph it in his mind, as if he was never coming back. Although I found that exaggerated, it gave me a sick feeling that my Irishman of all people would do it.
He said little, but he maintained a rather calm attitude. He even smiled a few times and took a short nap on the flight. Emerging at the Dublin Airport, we rented a car, as we’d already agreed we’d do. We had discussed it many times, wondering if maybe it would be better have someone pick us up. But we needed to be prepared for the worst.
I parked the car, a very nice BMW because we’re cool like that, a little down the block from the house and killed the engine. Next to me, Niall was going through the pockets of his jacket. He took out a handkerchief and stuffed it in his jeans’ pocket, then took off his jacket and threw it on the back seat. He sighed and took my offered hand. I saw no traces of the lost boy in his face or in the shaking of his arm. Again, something kept poking me, urging me to say something, but I just didn’t know what.
“It will just…go down like an avalanche once I enter the house, and…I just have to wait for it come to a rest…” my love said, shrugged and smiled meekly, “I will come get you, if things go well.”
He moved his face closer to mine. His hand was very cold and I didn’t attribute that to the light rain solely. His trembling lips touched mine the moment I let go of the sight of the calm oceans in his eyes. We kissed, lovingly, and we had to force the end of the kiss because it was too pleasant.
He didn’t let go of my hand and I kept squeezing, covering his cold fingers with mine. He looked around, my gaze remained trained on his face. He exhaled loudly.
“You can do this,” I said, a feeble attempt again, “I will be waiting right here, and if there’s anything I’ll be Superman and I’ll barge right in to save you.”
He chuckled and it was such a dazzling spark of warmth to see his smile.
“Love you. I’m going.”
My boy remained in his seat for a few more seconds, then closed the door a little too loudly. My eyes followed him until he started up the driveway. I leaned across the passanger’s seat to check if there are any wet wipes or anything in the glove compartment because there was this ugly muddy stain on the leg of my trousers. Fingers were digging under the papers when the door opened.
“Come with me,” it was Niall, fidgeting nervously, “Please.”
I gaped, he was looking at me like get the fuck out of the car and come with me.
“You sure? Isn’t-“
“Yeah. Please, let’s go.”
I closed the glove compartment, quickly got out and locked the car. We walked shoulder to shoulder, I kept looking at him to make sure he’s okay. Just before we turned into the walkway, I put my hand on his waist for a few short seconds.
The ring of the doorbell was shorter than I’d expected it to be. Usually when you’re at someone’s door and you’re like, right in front of it, you can hear the ring rolling towards the insides of the house, but not here. Quite interesting. See the reason we had to use the doorbell was that the door was locked and Niall had forgotten his keys.
“I forgot to unlock the door, sorry, dear!” Ms. Horan gushed when she opened the door, “Oh, Liam! I didn’t know you were coming too, hi. Are the rest of the boys with you?”
Niall shifted on his feet.
“No, mom, it’s just us.”
“Well, alright then.”
She hugged Niall and when he stepped inside, I bent down slightly to hug her too, making note of the smell of roses about her. I stepped inside too and took off my shoes. I had visited Niall’s house only once before, so it was still very new to me. It’s wasn’t too big, but it was a very nice, cozy house. Maura showed me to the living room where my boy was already sitting stiffly on the sofa. I sat down next to him, keeping a respectable distance.
“So what’s going on, why - why are you guys here? I thought this was a busy month for you,” she said, carefully sitting down on the edge of an armchair. She smiled cautiously.
“I have something very important to share with you. Greg is here too, right?” Niall said solemnly and I saw the worry grow in Maura’s face.
“He isn’t. He is going to come by a little later. But your father isn’t home either, I sent him down to the supermarket for groceries, I was planning on preparing family lunch.”
Apparently Niall didn’t expect that.
“I don’t think we’ll be able to stay for lunch, Maura,” I stepped in and smiled apologetically, “We really need to get back to London. We have a big meeting later in the day.”
Her gaze moved between us.
“Is there anything wrong? Should I be worried?”
“Mom, we’ll talk about why we’re here when dad and Greg arrive. There’s nothing to be worried about,” Niall said and I was worried that his strained expression would convince her in the opposite.
“Well, alright then.” she sighed, “Have you two had anything for breakfast? I think there’s some cake left in the fridge, or I could fix you something.”
“I’ll go with cake.” Niall replied.
Niall appeared more cheerful when his mom served the gorgeous cake. She had a slice with us and we made small talk. Niall seemed to be relaxing, slowly. I could see that the fact that he was home calmed him and talking to his mother just like that was a good time for him. But, of course, time is never kind enough to slow down. So, Niall’s dad came home pretty soon after my boy had led me into his room, to show me around. I was just looking at the way discomfort seeped into Niall’s posture when Greg announced his arrival too.
Bobby led the way to the kitchen, throwing us a curious glance over his shoulder. I used a moment when nobody was looking to squeeze my man’s hand. We sat around the kitchen table. I made sure to be right next to him.
“You got us really worried, guys, what’s wrong? Why did you fly all the way here to tell us? It must be very serious,” Bobby inquired, looking mainly at Niall.
“It is very serious, but it’s nothing bad. It’s actually quite…amazing, but you know, these kinda things are to be told in person,” Niall replied.
I watched the three of them watch my baby intently. Greg appeared to be a little more at ease, while Bobby was leaning on his elbows in a strained position.
“The reason Liam is here with me is that he is involved in the whole situation too,” he continued, then took a deep breath. I was so proud of him and his courage, “You know that me and him, me and Liam, we’ve always - we’ve always been very close, we get along very well. Well, somewhere along the line…with us being in a band and all, spending so much time together, things between us changed,” with growing dread I watched realization fill Bobby’s eyes. “We developed feelings for each other, a different kind of feelings. And we got round to admitting them when we were in Spain. Since then…since then we’ve been together, and we plan on staying together.”
He smiled at me and I smiled too, holding his hand tightly under the table.
Greg was the first to react. He snorted and shrugged with a smile of his own.
“I never expected this, to be honest,” he said. His accent was thicker than Niall’s. “But if it’s what makes you happy, then I’m happy for you too.”
I felt Niall squeeze my hand and Maura nodded a little reluctantly from across the table. My eyes fell on Bobby who was looking down at his hands just like my father had done a few days back. We all watched him.
“So how did you reach the conclusion that you have feelings for each other?” he asked, failing to hide his disdain.
I looked at Niall and he seemed to be completely taken aback.
“Well, actually I was the-” I tried stepping in for him again, but he cut me off.
“We just do. I believe we’ve reached the age when we can tell about this kinda things a long time ago,” he said sharply.
“So are you gay? How can you just turn out this way, you’ve never shown any signs before!”
“Bobby.” Maura called out warningly, but was ignored.
And aaaaaall we could do was watch. Despite the growing anger inside of me.
“What the hell, dad, you’re talking like I have some sort of a disease! Why can’t you be supportive?!”
“You didn’t answer my question,” Bobby said. With growing hope I realized that something had changed in his tone.
“I’m not gay. I’m Niall.”
He said that with so much confidence, so much calmness in his voice, in spite of how cold his hand was in mine. I broke out into a proud smile, looking at his face and the was his hair curved behind his ears.
“And I don’t even think I would feel attracted to other guys! It’s just always been so different with Liam.”
We watched Bobby expectantly. He was looking down at his intertwined fingers again. He seemed to be admitting defeat.
“Dad, you’re not like this. Don’t be hard headed,” Greg said.
“I’m sorry. I just never expected this either. I guess I can’t do anything about it.”
We sat in thick silence, awkward silence. It seemed like hours to me, but I didn’t dare do or say anything. I left everything up to Niall. Maura was wringing her fingers.
“You should leave now,” Niall’s father said.
Niall’s eyes widened. He moved his jaw, I knew he was very angry. He pushed his chair back and got up and headed for the dor. I followed suit. Maura and Greg came to say goodbye and she said that she never expected such a reaction from her husband, to which Niall replied that he had.
“It wasn’t that bad,” he concluded once we were back in the car.
“Yeah, your mom and Greg took it very well.”
“Something in me knew he was gonna be like that, and still I was surprised!” he shook his head violently. I gave him the time and space to deal with his thoughts.
“It’s done now. Where are we going?” he asked, looking out at the pouring rain.
“To the airport?”
He frowned. He made an adorable grimace.
“I’m tired. And not in the mood for travel at all,” he confessed.
“Well, we’ll have to get back. We’ll rest when-“
“Can we find a hotel? Get a hotel room, take a good nap. We can even spend the night here…” my baby smiled dreamily.
“How can you be so charming?” I asked and he cocked an eyebrow, still smiling. “Yeah, sure we can. Know any good hotels around here?”
He gave me directions to the west part of the town where a medium sized business hotel was located. We’d talked about calling the boys after we get a room, but Zayn called when we were still on our way. Niall talked to him and told him things were just fine and that we’d be spending the night in Ireland. Zayn seemed to be asking a lot of questions, and then he apparently gave the phone to Harry. After five minutes in the hands of the curly one, the phone was passed to Louis. Niall finally hung up and told me the boys send me hugs too and that they couldn’t wait for us to get back home.
The covers on the spacious bed were incredibly white and fluffy. Niall ordered me to close the curtains as he slithered in under the duvet with a delighted smile.
“I…feel free, despite everything. Is it strange?”
“No, I suppose it isn’t.”
He jammed his hands in his pockets. He closed his eyes and inhaled, then opened them and tasted the air in his mouth and smiled at me.
“Too bad we can’t sit down,” he pointed out because the benches were wet.
The sky was a watery ink with dispersed misty grey blotches, the last sheafs of light scattering and draining out of our world, so they can serve other nations. We woke up from our wonderful warm nap to the last raindrops spalshing against the hotel suite window. We rolled around and cuddled in the fluffy white covers for a long time. Perhaps this is why Niall is in a good mood now. Although I still the thin layer of worry trickling underneath his smile.
The lights from the windows of the shops were comforting and pretty in the cool night.
“Do you wanna head back? You can call your brother and ask him…”
“Sure. Let’s take the turn right there, I’ll show you a shortcut.”
Our walk had been very refreshing. The mist raising from the ground and the smell of ozone woke up a longing for coziness and warmth in me, and pushed away the troubles. Or were there no troubles at all?
We picked up noodles from a place Niall said he loves and ate them in front of the impressive TV in our hotel room. Niall called Greg who said things had been heading in the direction of acceptance when he was last in the house. The bed awaited and after I opened a window to let air in, I slipped under the duvet where the warmth of my shirtless Niall enveloped me. He was lying on his back, focused on the program he was watching, while I was on my side, covered up to the chin.
Niall smiled down at me.
“Let’s sleep. It’s late”
“It’s only like 10:30. I wanna finish watching this.”
My eyelids cut off the world. I took a deep breath and rubbed my nose in his bare arm.
“How do you feel? Do you feel calmer now?” I asked without opening my eyes.
“Stop reminding me about that, for fuck’s sake.”
“Sorry. … Just thought I’d ask.”
“Can we sleep now?” I asked again a few minutes later.
“Yeah. I dozed off anyways.”
He immersed the room in darkness and snuggled up close. My hand found his and I smiled.
“Right, goodnight kiss,” he whispered.
It wasn’t just a peck, not this time. His lips were charged with love and need and so were mine. It turned from a goodnight kiss to a passionate kiss, again and again, and soon I was on top of him and we were making out heavily, his hands all over my back. I was already grinding against him when I felt his hardness press into my leg, and there was so much thrilling affection flowing between our tightly pressed bodies. But it wasn’t enough, all the dread poured out and dispersed around us and yet we wanted more, despite the almost unbearable heat, despite my watering eyes, despite the fireworks that exploded in my heart, despite the fact that this was the most emotional and passionate kiss we’d ever had.
And then Niall gently pushed my face away and he said:
“Liam,” and then he kept blinking with a blank expression. I could literally feel his heart pounding in his chest. A hundred panicked thoughts rushed through my head without giving me time to sprinkle them with logic and shoo them away.
“Liam, do you think, do you think it’s time—-?” his voice was raspy and his accent, oh his accent.
Still, I had only the vaguest idea what he was talking about.
His gaze drifted to the nightstand, but there was nothing there. My eyes were now accustomed to the dark and I could see an embarrassed smile had appeared on his face.
“Do you have lube?”
Oh my God.
I have been giving the topic of sex, of making love, of the actual intercourse lots of thought lately, so I suppose this would be the best time to share them.
It’s trust. It all comes down to trust. Well, and love perhaps, but mainly trust. Trusting your partner that he will give you everything in the moments of uttermost pleasure, the way you give him everything. It is supposed to be pure and real.
If you think about it, it starts out with the very physical action of actually opening your legs. I mean, I’ve been specifically trying to see things from Niall’s perspective, so that I appreciate every single thing about it when it happens. And so that I can understand why he might not want to do it. And I see it. By spreading your legs you’re leaving yourself completely exposed and vulnerable. And to do that, you need to trust your partner that they will accept everything and that they will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.
And then, this person is going to stick a part of them in your body. Basically, your bodies are going to merge, in a way. The whole action takes a whole new meaning when it’s with someone you truly care about. You have to feel that you can trust them not to take advantage of your nakedness. You have to really want to let them into your most private areas, to become one with them. And finally, you have to feel that you can trust them with the ultimately intimate moment of your orgasm.
In a matter of seconds I jumped off the bed and raced to where my jacket was draped across a chair and fumbled with the pockets and found the little bottle (which I kept there after Lou’s advice) and returned to my boy. I climbed over him again.
“Are you sure?” I asked, not able to believe it was happening, it actually was.
“I am. I’m ready.”
I pushed the covers off my back and left us exposed, him mainly. I took an appropriate position between his legs and silently asked him to spread them, to trust me. He did, with all the apprehension and anticipation crossing his face. I leaned forward and we kissed while my hand massaged him thorugh is boxer briefs, his dick growing rigid. I gently stripped him off of his underwear and when he assumed his previous position, with his legs spread and bent in the knees, I realized that I’ve never seen him like this before.
I pushed myself closer to him, my knees touching his legs, and leaned forward again.
“Thank you for trusting me,” I said, taking his member in my hand and kissing him again.
I stroked his length. We took the kiss slowly, lovingly, and my aim was for him to get lost in it, to relax completely and trust me yet again. I let go of his dick and slid my hand up the silky skin of his chest, I felt for his nipple and worked around it, then used my left hand as support to find the lube with my right hand. My attempt to distract him failed because I couldn’t unscrew the cap and get some of the cool gel on my fingers without the help of my left hand.
My boy tensed. I hurriedly squeezed out a generous amount of lube on the fingers of my right hand and kissed him again, but he didn’t kiss back very enthusiastically. I brought my hand to his bottom, keeping my face close to his as I whispered I love you, I love you, I love you, in hopes that it would set his mind at ease. My gel coated fingers moved around his opening and massaged the clenched muscle before gently pressing in to the accompaniment of please trust me, i love you, i won’t hurt you i swear, i love you, i will take care of you…
Little by little the ring relaxed and my finger slipped in without much effort. His hand was clutching my biceps while I kept whispering things charged with as much emotion as possible, I’ve thought about this so much, imagined it so many times, finally happening. The threat of me going soft hung over us as a few drops of sweat broke out on my temples. Another finger pushed at his opening and he tensed again, but I remembered to kiss him and with the touch of our lips he melted into the kiss and the second finger was inside too. I moved and wiggled, prolonging the moment and savoring his taste before slowly pulling out. Niall immediately looked down and then straight into my eyes.
“I love you,” I whispered again, “Condom?”
“Just go ahead,” he replied hoarsely.
My dick twitched when I spread lube over it. I hoped I’d put enough, but added another glob of the substance to his slightly looser opening. It will be so amazing, babe, i promise, I pressed in with the tip, careful not to apply too much pressure, his eyes were tightly shut, let me in, i love you, i love you, i won’t hurt you, let me in, and just like that, the head popped in and I groaned and he yelped shortly, then hissed. Once again my dick began softening, seeing Niall’s face contorted in so much pain.
I kissed everywhere - his eyes, his forehead, nose and cheeks, jaw line, to his unresponsive lips. The aroma of his cologne emanating from his body shot insane impulses down my body. I began kissing his neck, gently, I desire you.
I was almost convinced he’d want me to pull out, when at last he whispered go on.
And I started pushing in again, ever so slowly, still kissing his neck and licking around his Adam’s apple. I could hear him breathing deeply. His smaller body was trembling underneath mine, but I forbade myself to think like that, of him as the weaker one. His unbelievable tightness welcomed me and as my dick advanced smoothly I began feeling somehow drunk.
There we go.
I was all the way in. Niall was perfectly still, still maintaining a slow rhythm of breathing. I didn’t move. Instead, I watched the silhouette of his face. His lips were moist, but I refrained from kissing them. Wet strands of hair rested on his forehead. I gently pushed them away. A feeling of unimaginable happiness begain growing inside of me while I started moving inside of my boy.
I fought the desire to pound away. I started pulling out very slowly, nibbling on his ear, then I slid back in in the same manner.
“You’re so big,” Niall managed.
“Tell me if I’m hurting you.”
“I think it’s starting to feel good. But it’s - you’re just so, so big!” he grunted.
I shifted slightly in order to get into a more balanced position. I began pulling out again just as his lips met mine, and suddenly he twisted his head and moaned loudly.
“Did I hit some buttons?” I grinned. He rolled his head blissfully.
And that’s when it
began, the ascend towards the peak. I began thrusting and soon a steady rhythm
was established. The heat built up around us, I grinned again and then kissed
him hard. He opened his mouth to my tongue and I wrapped my arms around him
tightly. This is it, this is it, we are one as I move inside him, we
couldn’t be closer than. This is real, this is real, there is nothing
dirty about this because this is the real thing, and my head is swinging and
swimming, he is panting, our lips clash together again and we kiss for so long
as the cloud of heat envelops us. But then I change the angle of my thrusts
again and he moans in my mouth and his eyes roll back and I pick up my pace.
The waves of pleasure coarse up and down up and down my body and the tingling
in the tips of my fingers is impossible, we’re in the perfect
motion, I love you, I love you Niall, I love you so much, jesus christ
liam. His breathing is as ragged and shaky as mine, this is the real
deal, it’s only me and him and the rest the world does not exist,
it’s only his eyes, his entrancing eyes as I glide inside of him. His
groans and moans and curses drive me insane and our hearts and souls collide
and embrace in this ultimate act of love. Our connection has never been so
strong, so powerful because the bond is on a physical as well as spiritual
level. Fuck Liam, fuck yes I’m sucking on his neck and
nibbling on his collar bone and biting on his ear and we are close now, we are
so close, and there’s just me and him, my Niall, my boy, my man, my one
and only and nothing, nothing else matters as we near the majestic peak,
it’s only him and his perfect body, his astonishing moans, his dazzling
smile, his cheek pressed to mine. My balls are churning, this is it, here we
are, here we go, but I won’t break the kiss, this is all I’ve ever
ever wanted, oh Liam, I love you Niall, it’s better
than any dream, better than all secret fantasies, better than the creation of
life or the birth of the world because, BECAUSE I am here with him, with
I keep thrusting, I keep hitting his prostate and his fingers dig into my back, I remember to grasp his dick and feel the incredible hardness of his smooth shaft, this is insane. My orgasm hits me out of nowhere and it blows me away, sends me high, so high, to places I never knew existed, and my love is here with me, and we’re floating as the explosions and tingles and buzzes become unbearable, it’s all a pool of pleasure and light, soft, palpable, shimmering, intoxicating happiness because he is cumming too - the stream of curses and moans in my ear, the clenching around my pulsing shaft, and I am aware of every single sensation, of the hot tears down my cheeks. I cradle him to my body in the final feverish tumults of my subsiding orgasm, when the last jets spurt inside of him and between us. We’re both panting, is it over too fast? my exhausted body is still holding him tightly, as is his. He gave me everything and it was more glorious than anyone could ever know.
I kiss the sweaty skin of his neck one last time and he kisses my cheek before I collapse next to him. My arm is still draped across his chest, the lack of that ultimate physical connection is suddenly close to painful. He turns to look at me and I want to thank him, to tell him how utterly marvelous it was, but all we can do is smile, beam at each other and nod in understanding, and more tears spill from my eyes as he squeezes my hand and my happiness is reflected in his face, in his glowing eyes.