One Direction are a British boy band who was formed a year ago on the X Factor. They finished third. The band's members are Niall Horan, Liam Payne, Harry Styles, Zayn Malik and Louis Tomlinson. This is a fanfiction and I suggest you try finding out more about the guys if you don't know who they are, before reading this. Also, this is a fictional story that does not intend to say anything about the characters' sexuality and private lives in reality. Please keep in mind that English is not my first language. For any comments and suggestions: firstname.lastname@example.org
The walk to the hotel (I'd like to say home instead of the hotel, we've been in over twenty hotels since we left and I'm really hating it now) was pleasant. Niall wasn't as cheerful as before, but whever he smiled, his smile was genuine, you could tell. And I'm kind of proud to say that most of the time I was the reason for the happines spreading over his face. It's not that I was trying too hard, it just happens between us sometimes, one would be down and the other would get into this mood where he just says all the right things. This friendship, this bond...it's probably the best thing that's ever happened to me, apart from getting together with the guys in general. It's just crazy how close we are sometimes, and I love it, not just because of the little big weird crush I got going on. I love this boy, just for...for what he is, for the fact that he is always there for me, and that to him everything is so amazing and funny, and for how silly he can be, and for how mature he is, but how he also lets himself be childish whenever he feels like it (we all do that)...and I mean, I'd love him for that even without the crush, you know? I can't explain it.
I really hope though that one day I'd be able to look him in the eyes and say `I love you, Niall Horan.' and he'd know exactly what I mean, regardless of how he feels about it. Yeah.
"Remember Louis' mushroom joke?" I asked after we'd been walking in a comfortable silence for a while.
For a second he looked at me in confusion, but then his face lit up in recognition.
He started laughing, and I laughed along with him, more because of his laugh and the way he was shaking, slapping his knee, turning in a circle or looking up at the stars for help.
"Mate..." he just looked at me and shook his head, still smiling. "Fungi..." and he cracked up again.
I smiled widely and pulled him into my chest, ruffling his hair. Now this didn't have anything to do with my crush. Right? Yeah, it didn't. It was just us fooling around together. Yes. Maybe I will stop worrying so much about this and it will go away.
It had gotten colder. By the time we were nearing the hotel, the wind had gotten us walking as close to each other as possible. I could smell the slightly heavy, masculine aroma of his cologne. I felt probably the strongest urge so far to bury my face in his neck and inhale deeply, then kiss, lick, bite, and kiss again till I'm absolutely overpowered and drunk. I turned my gaze to my right, since Niall was on my left, and tried busying my mind with thoughts of the summer and the little vacation in Miami we were planning. What? No, of course it didn't work.
I'm okay with being attracted to guys, I don't feel it weird or wrong. If I'm bi or gay, that's cool, as long as it makes me happy. Well, I don't think I'm gay since I do like girls too (and I'm not just saying this). But then...I havent really given this much thought, but I have a feeling my attraction to guys is limited to Niall only. I don't know. Maybe I should test this. Explore. Yes, sounds exciting, I...could try gay porn to explore the sexual aspect, and try actually LOOKING at guys to check on the romantic side. Maybe...take note of facial features, and clothes and smile and eyes...hm.
You know, come to think of it, I think I've done this before...I just haven't paid any attention to it...Why, yes, yes! The way I took note of how well Joe Jonas' shirt hugged his chest that first time we met him, and when Harry got his hair cut, I spent so much time marveling how much..younger he looked, how much his face stood out now, and...yes, yes! Okay. Maybe it's not just Niall then. The thought of me liking another guy and not Niall stirred a weird feeling in me though. Jealousy and hate for the non-existent other guy. Never mind.
So I got it pretty strong for Niall. Yeah, I guess it's time to admit maybe it isn't just a crush. And this thought is a little worrying.
What do I do now? What if it gets unbearable?
I love him and I won't let anything ruin our friendship. That's for sure. So...maybe it will pass? I don't really feel it...pressuring me right now, you know? It's not like usual crushes, where you want to impress the person and to get their attention so bad. I'm just utterly comfortable around him. And he is my best friend, and I know I'm his best friend. And I just love him, in all ways described earlier.
How can it get unbearable? Come on. Unless he gets a girlfriend everything will be okay. And even then I shouldn't be jealous. I will deal with it and he will stay by my side and I will keep loving him and eventually I'm gonna start liking someone else too and even though my love for Niall will remain, I'm gonna have someone to cuddle with and shit. It might even be a guy, who knows.
I smiled, closing the case. Suddenly I was again aware of everything around me, of the crisp air, the clear sky with the little dots, of the familiar smell of my boy's cologne that drove me nuts and caused a pleasant stirring in my pants, and of the fact that this cute lad was whistling something quietly. I looked at him recognizing the melody and he looked at me smiling.
"You were gone for a bit. Where were you?" he kept smiling, and I smiled back happily.
"Sorry, I don't know, I guess I was just thinking." I threw my arm around him in a half brotherly gesture. He stared at me for a bit, I could see him chewing on the question, but finally he swallowed it. I looked away, guilt overtaking - there were going to be many moments like this.
He resumed his whistling just as we were taking the turn to the alley of our hotel and my smile returned.
"Teenage Dream, eh?"
His eyes lit up and I longed to kiss the grin off of his lips.
We welcomed the warmth of the building and, a little later, we hurriedly undressed to cuddle under our respective blankets. I plopped down on my bed and pulled the blankets up with a content sigh. Niall came out of the bathroom and turned off the lights, leaving only the small one inbetween our beds. Soft shadows enveloped his body. He was wearing loose dark pajama bottoms. For a second I cursed at myself for not wearing mine too, I might get cold and I don't like getting up in the middle of the night, but then my whole world was silled by the realization of how insanely beautiful he was (he still is, even more). His body really is perfect, screw my abs, I adore his flat, just slightly muscled stomach, his small pink nipples, his lightly defined arms and, finally, his little amused smile. My heart ached. To caress, to cup, to smell, to embrace, to hold, to perceive, to kiss.
My eyes watered. Niall carefully put down a glass of water on his night stand and dived under the covers in a swift motion. He turned off the lamp between our beds and I turned away.
"Good night, man."
I wanted to respond, believe me! Please! And I tried, but the minute I opened my mouth I realized I won't be able to say anything without giving away how hurt I was, and Niall knows me too well, he'd be worried and he'd come over and nudge me to tallk to him in his sweet way and he'd be so close and I'd want to tell him everything and kiss him and if I told him..oh why why why couldn't you be mine, Niall Horan?
It must have been very late during the night when I awoke to a thud and silent cursing. Niall was moving around, I turned on the little lamp between our beds.
"What happened?" I asked, squinting at the light.
Niall was fumbling around with the sheets on his bed. His hair was dishiveled, his pants had sagged low on his crotch.
"I don't know, I knocked the stupid glass down in the dark and now everything is fucking wet..." he stood with his hands on his hips, looking all angry and sexy and I laughed.
"What are you laughing at, everything is fucking wet.." oh, he was pissed. "I'll go to Zayn's room, he's got a free bed."
He started heading out, but I stopped him.
"Cooome heeere..." I mumbled tiredly, but with a hint of amusement too. Like, duuh, is he really thinking I'm gonna let him walk to Zayn's room in the middle of the night..
"Naw man, don't worry, the beds are small, I'll just go to Zayn.
"Shut up and come here, the beds are almost queen size, get in here.." I held the covers up for him.
He reluctantly got in my bed and I scooted further towards the other end. I comfortably fluffed up my pillows and turned to him, closing my eyes. He had his back towards me, he turned the lights off. And, of course, he was asleep in seconds. I tried immersing myself in his sweet scent and in slumber again, but I was became painfully aware of the situation I was in. Almost naked, in the same bed (under the same covers!) with the guy I was in love with. And then he shifted slightly, and his warm back was pressed to my body and oh God, no, please no, I started growing hard.
Could I maybe just sneak my hand to his chest? Could I maybe plant a soft kiss on his neck? Stroke his arm, bury my nose in his hair, grind my crotch into his ass?
I rolled onto my back and far from him. Suddenly hot, I pulled the covers off my body. Yes, this was going to be so much harder than I had hoped. I shall take a little walk now.
The hotel we were staying in wasn't a big one by no means, but they gave us the whole last floor with the largest rooms. The little circular lobby to which all the doors opened was cozy, with a few comfortable couches placed in the middle and around a small coffee table.
I didn't expect to see anyone there. Just my luck, of course, Zayn was sprawled on one of the couches, his laptop in his lap. Oh well. I had planned on sitting there for a while anyways, I really didn't feel like walking outside, it's May, it's still not that warm at night.
My boxers clad body didn't particularly like the cold surface of the sofa, but I ignored it's pleas.
"I thought there was connection in the rooms too."
He turned his dark eyes to me. In the dim lighting his dark complexion made him look even more mysterious.
"There is, but it's not as stable, so I decided to come out here."
"What's the time" I yawned.
Zayn glanced at his computer.
"It's 2:40 am"
"Only?!" I thought it was much later.
"Yeah. Why are you up?" he turned to me.
I hesitated. I din't want to answer, I didn't know what to answer, I'm a terrible liar.
"I woke up and was hot and then I couldn't fall back asleep." not that far from the truth, right? "You?"
"Well, we went to bed just as you guys were heading out, and I guess I just got enough sleep. Been up for an hour or two now." I nodded.
Zayn resumed his business on the computer and I laid my head back. Jesus. The vivid image of my gorgeous lad wouldn't leave my mind. When we were out - how happy he was on the roller coaster and the ferris wheel, his flawless face colorful lights softly dancing across his face, and after that, when he hugged me when I gave him his leprechaun, how amazing his arms felt around me, and on the beach, and then we he was going to bed and when I spooned him in bed, his body felt so right against me...Shit, shit, SHIT!
I shut my eyes tightly and clutched a fistfull of my hair. How did it come to this? Something in my chest ached so bad, a lump formed in my throat. Why was it suddenly so difficult?
"What's up, mate? Worried about the performance?" Zayn was looking at me, a little bit of worry behind his glasses.
And I suddenly wanted, needed to tell someone, to tell Zayn. Seems like things happen all too abrupt today. But how? I let my gaze rest on his eyes and chewed on my lower lip. He put his laptop on the table and folded his hands in his lap. He was wearing only a tight pair of shorts. He looked at me intently.
"I think I like guys." I said flatly and it sounded better than I had expected. But redness immediately took over my cheeks. I lowered my gaze.
Zayn didn't say anything. I looked up to find him giving me that one sided smile of his.
"For real?" he seemed genuinely surprised.
I dug around what I considered to be a large dictionary in my mind, trying to find the words to tell him just how confused I was. Or was I confused? It was clear as day, but it caused so many different and powerful emotions...
"Well...I think so...I mean...guys too...so...I don't know, Iguess that makes me bi...? And..." words fell out heavy and shaky and I was trembling myself, but Zayn didn't help me out. "I just don't know. I think it may be only for..one person...but I don't know...and I tried to...rationalize it and to figure out what it is...but...I don't know..."
I hid my face in my hands. I hadn't felt such a strong need of a hug in years.
"I am bi too, you know." Zayn said calmly, but looked at his hands in his lap when my head shot up. He continued before I had a chance of saying anything, "And it's more about sex, I guess, but it's okay. It's who I am."
He doesn't understand, ugh.
"It's not that. I don't have a problem with being bi, I just...the person I like, he...I shoudln't, I-" I looked at him, silently begging him to understand the turmoil of feelings I was drowning in.
He remained calm, how could he be so calm?
"Is it Niall?"
My eyes widened in horror, shit, is it that obvious, everyone must know, whatthefuckamigoingtodo, but then I noticed his little warm, friendly, calming smile and peace settled in my soul too, at least for a moment. I smiled back, dreamily.
"Yeah. That obvious?"
He gently shook his head in agreement.
"Uh huh. But don't worry. People dismiss it as a bromance. You should read all those fanfics on tumblr though, you're definitely gonna like them." he laughed sexily, I've always found his laugh sexy I guess.
Something about the way he took it so easily and so calmly gave me hope, even though I had no idea for what. Still.
"It's not right, mate, and it hurts so much sometimes..." I shook my head.
"How long have you known?"
"A while. Several months. But I was like `it's just a crush, I'm gonna enjoy it, it's no harm', you know? But the last few days things shifted to another level. Especially tonight, I suppose."
"It's alright, man. Don't sweat it. I don't know if he shares your feelings, but even if he doesn't, you're the best of mates, you will always have your friendship. Your crush will go away, you will find someone..." he sat up.
Hearing from someone else's mouth that there is a possibility that Niall doesn't love me the way I love him stung like hell. But Zayn's words did give me hope indeed. And it was good to have things out in the open with someone. A part of the burden was lifted up and it felt good.
"If you need to talk..." he made a short gesture with his hand, "don't hesitate. Now I'm gonna go rub one out, I stumbled upon a bunch of interesting videos before. Good night, mate."
He smiled down at me, his dark eyes giving off a little spark, and rubbed my shoulder. I laughed at his words and stared after him incredulously.
After his door closed I sighed deeply. Another abrupt change of feelings, huh. Everything was good, for now. Imma take advantage of it while it lasts.
I trotted to me and Niall's room. I quietly slid next to my boy. I loved him. So much. I allowed myself to kiss his bare shoulder. He wouldn't know, he sleeps so deeply. I slid an arm to his belly and kept it there. I can play it off if he's suspicious tomorrow.