Date: Wed, 02 Jan 2002 23:42:55 +0000 From: Daniel M Subject: Intentions of Life Let's try a new series hmmm DISCLAIMER: IF you are not of legal age to read this (18 or 21 depending on residence), please do not continue. If you are offended by Male/Male concepts please don't continue reading either. I do not accept an reponsiblity for anything contained within that may offend. I have no real knowledge of Ryan Phillipe or his sexuality. As far as I know he and Reese are for real and happily married. All characters (well apart from Ryan) are fictional and so are the events unfolding within the series. Any similarities are purely coincidental. AUTHOR'S WORDS: After writing my other series JC Dreams for so long, I am taking a short break and working on this series instead. I hope you enjoy it as much as my other series which I have written in the past and am currently writing. AUTHOR'S THANKS: I have three people to thank at the moment... The Nifty Archivist for his support which has been like forever and never ending. To my close friend Troy, thanks for your never ending support hun, without you, I would be somewhere else without hope by now. Lastly, I need to thank all the guys who've dumped me... thanks... I'm better for it now, I'm stronger in myself... so FUCK YOU! Laterz. AUTHOR RECOMMENDS: none at the moment FEEDBACK: jellybeanking@hotmail.com -- there is a messenger attatched to this email if you have any desire to use it. Intentions of Life 01 by SunChild Slowly I walked into the bar and looked around, there was a variety of people just standing around, some were drinking, others were busy talking to their prospective trade for the night. I didn't see any of my usual crowd so wandered up to the bar and collected my first beer for the night and turned so I could see the crowd. Typical drunken college students. Sometimes I was ashamed of myself to admitt that I went to college. As I was standing there lost in my thoughts, someone came up behind me and put their hands over my eyes. I felt a slow grind in time with the music and smiled. "Sharna, why does it take you so long to get here when we live in the same flat and leave at the same time?" "Hey yourself Jared... now bite me!" She whispered in my ear. "So what are you doin' girl?" "Waiting for you to realise that you are actually straight and want me bad." She giggled in my ear. "Uh huh. That'll be the day you stop being a lesbian." "How'd you find that one out? Bet it was that big mouth Kim wasn't it." She grinned at me. I knew full well that she was no lesbian. The evidence of which walked into the bar as I nodded over to Matt. "Tall, dark and fucked up is here." I told her. Sharna punched me in the arm. "Ja-red. Can't you be nice to him at least once?" She asked. I sat there contemplating my response and when I took too long to answer she slapped me again. I grinned at her causing her to poke her tongue at me. Soon the entourage had all turned up and we moved over to our usual tape. Here is where I should probably introduce myself huh. My name is Jared Chapman, I'm 20 and studying drama (of all things... what a stereotype) at college, I want to be an actor, and not to piss in my own pocket, I'm a bloody good one now. I'm six foot, my eyes are brown, I have short brown hair and an okay body. I've always been told my best feature is my lips. They are full and soft. Why is it none of the guys I look at think that? I'm also told that I'm pretty cute... I look in the mirror and just see a troll doll that's been hit by the ugly bus then attacked with the ugly stick to finish the job. Still isn't it said you always think to worst of yourself? Anyways. Sharna has been my best friend since like forever. Sharna was actually the first peson I came out to when I started college. Matt, her boyfriend, well he's one of her better choices I guess. I just don't feel comfortable around him. Actually he totally weirds me out, like I'll look over at him and he'll just be staring at me, even when he realises I'm looking directly at him, he doesn't look away. It's scares me... I'm actually starting to wonder if he's one of two things. A closet case or a homophobe.... either way, he weirds me. Next to him sat Mark... now here is a cute guy. Mark is in my drama classes which is pretty cool, I get to stir the hell out of him (it's the whole little kid 'I like you so I'll pull your hair' thing). He's my height with deep brown eyes, a gorgeous tan, the most sensual lips, his hair is shaved on the sides and back but he's let the top grow over the summer. When he smiles he has a dimple in his cheek and I could so easily just melt into it. He also had the most gorgeous body, he's a swimmer and has the body of one to. I mean the broad shoulders, smooth scuplted chest, small waist, six pack. Total drool package. Anyways, moving right along, next to him was Miranda. I never had much to do with her before. She was quiet and aloof but always smiled and said hello if she saw you. She was a tiny five foot nothing girl with short blonde hair. She had a very pixie like face. Her sharp blue eyes always confused me. They looked cold but inviting at the same time. Miranda was different, I'll give her that. Next to her was again, me. Sharna poked me lightly and whispered "Drop dead gorgeous ten o'clock." She grinned. Reaching up to stretch, as I extended my arm I partly turned and looked then turned back around fast. "That's gorgeous? Fine, I'm going straight." "That's your problem Jared, you're too bloody fussy." I looked at her and arched my eyebrow. "Like you can talk Miss 'No, that colour of pink is so wrong'." I gibbed at her. She sighed and I poked my tongue at her. Before I could put it back in my head she had hold of it. "When did you get your tongue pierced?" Miranda squealed. "This is so cool, my little Jared is taking big steps to become a man." Matt looked at me. "Just the victim of another fad in self-mutilation." "No, that's when we look at you without our sunglasses on." I shot back at him. Matt snorted and returned to his beer. I found Mark looking over at me at several other times in the night. I have no idea what to make of it, so I went back to my drinking throwing in a few comments when the moment arose. We finished our night about two that morning and headed our own seperate ways. Sharna and I walked together as always, Matt in tow a few steps behind us, slowly falling further behind. We were having our usual giggle at totally weird topics of conversation. That's what I love about Sharna, we can talk about absoloutely nothing serious or have a deep and meaningful at the drop of a hat. When we have a fight though, as all the others have learnt, steer well clear. We turned the corner and almost walked into Mark. I looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "Isn't your place the other way?" I asked. He looked at me nervously. "Yeah, but I got locked out. Shelley went to bed and I left my keys inside." Shelley, I should explain is his sister. He stays with her now they are both at college. She's pretty cool, a little scatter brained I guess, maybe that's why I like her? "Needing place to crash tonight I take it." I smiled at him. He nodded at me. "Alright, come on." I ruffled his hair and he fell into step beside me and Sharna. We walked a little further and I looked over my shoulder. "When did Matt stop following us?" Sharna looked back. "I didn't realise he did." She said. "Matt... you there?" I called out. Silence was the only answer that called back to us. I turned and started to walk back the way we had come. As we walked passed an alley way, I heard something and looked up. There were two guys running out the other end and I could see a pair of legs sticking out. With a sinking feeling in my stomach, I ran up to where the legs were. When I arrived at the body, I turned and looked away. Sharna came running up behind me. I turned and kept her back. On the ground lay Matt. His eyes still open in fear, blood running freely from his temple. His arm was twisted to an unnatural angle. Mark caught up to us and walked straight on past us. He reached out gingerly and placed his fingers against Matt's neck, hunting for a pulse. Very quielty, Mark reached out and closed Matt's eyes. Sharna must have seen him as she started to shriek and cry and struggle in my arms to get to him. "Let me go you." "Sharna, no, don't." "Just let me go now Jared." "Sharna, it won't do any good. He's gone." "Just let me hold him. Please, I just want to hold him." She pleaded on the edge of hysteria. "Sharna, you shouldn't go near him until the police have been." "Let go of me you fucking faggot, what would you understand, you've never been in love... you've never even had a fucking boyfriend." Her words cut me deeper than any knife could have and I released my hold on her. Very slowly I looked at her holding Matt, quietly I turned and walked down the alley. Walking home, I couldn't forget what she had said. I haunted me, 'You've never been in love.' Is that what I was doomed to? Being gay... did that mean I couldn't know love. Did it mean I was destined to die alone with no-one by my side. They say it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. Did this mean that I was no better off? The thought scared me. Unlocking the front door to the apartment I walked inside and picked up the phone dialling emergency. I gave the operator all the information and hung up. I looked at the phone then went to bed. I fell asleep thinking that one day I would be loved. How many times do I have to say it before I believe it though? I was awakened hours later by a loud knocking on my bedroom door. I opened and eye and looked at the clock which proudly declared it was a quater past seven in the morning. "Come in." I called out. Mark opened the door and walked into the room. Closing the door behind him he looked at me. "How are you dealing?" He asked me as he crossed the floor and sat down beside me on my bed. "I'm fine, how's Sharna?" I asked sitting up a bit and giving him more room. "Bit of a mess. She did just see her boyfriend dead afterall." I nodded and looked down. "Stupid question I guess." "Why'd you leave Jared?" Mark asked. I looked up at him. "Last night in the alley... you left. What's the go man?" "Didn't want to stay with a corpse of someone I once knew." I said timidly, keeping back the real reason for fear of sounding selfish. "What if something had happened to Sharna?" Mark asked. "Nothing would have happened, you were there, you would have kept her safe." I reasoned, trying to make myself believe it. "So, they got Matt." Mark retorted. "I just couldn't stay okay. End of topic." "Not end of Topic Jared. It was what she said wasn't it." He told me more as a statement than question. I couldn't look at him in the eyes. "Partly I guess." I told him ashamedly and looked away. "Jared, I don't blame you. It hurt me too." I looked over at him. "No, I don't mean I'm gay. What I mean is, I've never been in love or really had a girlfriend either." I nodded. "You need to realise, she was upset, distressed and angry. She didn't mean it?" "Didn't she Mark? When she's angry, she says what she really thinks. She doesn't hold any inhibitions at all." Mark just nodded but didn't say anything. After a few moments he slowly slipped off his shoes. "Move over lard ass... share the bed I'm tired." He grumbled at me, smiling. Sliding over in the bed, I made more room for him and he slipped in under the covers. He fell asleep quickly and as I was drifting back off to sleep I felt him cuddle up to me and I smiled as I wrapped my arm protectively around him, as though ready to ward off the demons that may invade his sleep. When I awoke hours later, I looked at Mark. He was still curled up against me, only he was awake and looking at me. Realising my arm was still around him, I started to move it when he put his hand up and kept it there. I opened my mouth to speak but he put his finger against his lips and shook his head. "Don't worry Jared. It was nice to wake up being held. It's been too long since it's happened. Makes me feel loved." I looked at him. "Well, of course. You are loved, you know I love you." He looked at me and started to pull away but I didn't let go. "Just read all I said wrong why don't you. Mark, don't two friends always love each other, brothers love each other?" I asked. He slowly nodded his head. I leant over and kissed him on the forehead. "Well, that's exactly how I feel for you." Okay, so I played some deception with him, my feelings may be deeper than that, but I wasn't about to tell him that. Mark nodded his head and gave me a hug. "Thanks Jared." We walked out of my room a short time later to find Sharna sitting in the lounge looking out at the view available from our apartment. Without saying a word, I walked into the kitchen and started to make some coffee. "I'm sorry Jared." I turned and saw Sharna standing the doorway to the kitchen. I put down what I had in my hands and looked at her. "It's okay Sharna, you were upset." "Still, what I said was wrong, I'm sorry that I hurt you." "Sharna..." "Don't argue with me Jared. We'll only fight again." Her eyes were bloodshot from crying. Gently I took her hand and led her back to the lounge room where Mark sat very quietly. We all sat there in silence. I didn't know what to say to calm the moment, so decided it wise to say nothing at all. "When's the funeral?" Asked Mark. "In a couple of days. I spoke to his mom. She said they're waiting for a few family members to fly in." Sharna mumbled to us. "Come on Sharna, let's get you to bed. You need sleep." With that I stood and gently lead Sharna away. The days passed and Sharna did very little. She sat there quietly and said very little if anything at all. She refused to eat at some stages until I threatened to drag her to the hospital and get her fed by IV. As she sat there, she always seemed miles away. Almost as though she was dreaming of another time, a happier time, probably when Matt was still alive. It broke my heart to see her like this. It was such a sad feeling around her and I decided I didn't like it... maybe it would be better after the funeral. The day of the funeral came and Sharna refused to get out of bed. She told me that she was tired, meanwhile she had gone to bed before eight the previous night. It was when I asked her what to say to his family she got out of bed. We were dressed and ready soon enough. Arriving at the church, Sharna looked in through the front doors and went to turn around, and probably would have, if Mark and I hadn't taken hold of her arms and led her inside. We sat down behind a couple with a two year old with them. Dear sweet little girl, she seemed. The child smiled at us and waved. I smiled and waved back. "Ava, don't." Scolded the mother. I was a little surprised by the name, it was unusual and I tried to remember where I had heard it before. Before I could, the minister stood before us. He spoke then invited the guy from infront of us up to say a few words. He stood and walked up the aisle and turned to face us. Looking up at him, I almost died of shock. There stood Ryan Phillipe. "Matt and I were cousins and have been fast friends since we were born." He was saying. I looked at Sharna who seemed as shocked as I was. When Ryan finished, he walked back down the isle and into his seat nodding slightly at Sharna. As he turned I could have almost sworn he checked me out... no... couldn't be... could it? --- Well, a morbid start to a new series. Feedback -= jellybeanking@hotmail.com =-