Date: Thu, 14 Mar 2002 21:13:57 EST
From: WatchitcrumbIe@aol.com
Subject: Linkin Park Love - 7

You know the drill. I don't personally know any of the members of Linkin
Park, and what occurs in this story is to have no bearing on the actual
sexuality of them.  And, you should be 18 to read this. How many of you
actually are, I can only wonder.

Enjoy,
-Nick.
______________________________

is there something that you're trying to say? 
don't hold back now . 
it's been a long time since i felt this way 
so don't hold back now  
i purposely forgot about loving anyone  
cause i'm the only one who has who has been stepped upon 
is there something that you are trying to say 
cause i can take it 
cause i grew up a man this way  
and if i'm hurt i'll shake it  
i'll crawl back into my cave 
that's how i'll make it
______________________________

I didn't quite catch the meaning of his words at first. They pretty much
went right over my head, though it saddens me to say so. I cocked my head
to the side, feeling my brow furrow deeply. I'd heard him..  But did I hear
him correctly? Him? What if Chester'd already found Him? .. It didn't seem
right. I suppose that sometimes even the things you thought you wanted to
hear the most were actually the very words you secretly dreaded. Because,
although it had taken me a few moments, what Chester had said finally
registered. But still I said nothing, rather I merely stared at him
unblinkingly. A few times, I felt my lips move in what might have been the
beginning of a word, but then fell closed once more. What was there to say?
What.. Could I say? I knew I couldn't tell him what I wanted to. He might
be upset, or.. I could scare him off. And I didn't want that, by any means
whatsoever. So instead I searched frantically for the most evasive thing I
could say.

"What if?" I asked finally. Chester looked almost relieved to hear me
talk. My own self-doubt once again got the best of me, and so I was forced
to make something of a fool of myself by asking "..And who?"

"Who do you think, Scott?" Chester asked rhetorically.

"..I was afraid of that," I sighed heavily and let my hand fall away from
the doorknob, dropping my gaze to look down at the floor.  Chester blinked
and took a step back, almost as if he had just been slapped. I hadn't meant
it to sound as it did, but it did, and there was little left for me to do
other than to try and ratify the situation.

"..What.. are the odds that we'll even see each other anytime soon, after
tonight?" I said, trying to make him understand what I'd meant by that.

"Does it matter? It's not like.. you're interested in me, anyways," He
looked down, and I had to choke back a laugh. He apparently noticed my
effort, for only a moment after, he asked "What?"

I simply shook my head, still smirking, almost cynically. "Nothing," was
all I would allow myself to say. I didn't feel like losing control of
myself, and telling him all the things I wanted to. How I actually felt for
him. Emotions were blinding, I knew, and I wasn't going to allow my heart
to take control of me again.

"..Well, I'm glad this amuses you," he sounded almost angry, but at the
same time, hurt. I knew that I sounded as if I didn't care. But Chester
couldn't have ever imagined what I actually wanted to say - What I actually
felt for him. Would it even matter that much to him?

"..It doesn't. It's.." I trailed off, catching myself before I let anything
slipped. Half of me; presumably the only small portion of me that still had
some sort of willingness to.. Open up to a person, wanted me to tell him
the truth. But it was easily overpowered by the more dominant part of me
that was so cold and closed off. "..Nevermind."

"No. what?" He asked, genuinely curious as to what I was almost going to
say.

"..It's nothing, Chester.." Once more, I let my voice drop down to almost
inaudibility, a shaken whisper. "..It never is.." I think I was trying to
convince myself more than anyone else. That these were all just feelings
that would easily pass once Chester left. But at the same time, I was
almost sure that they wouldn't. That I'd only be haunted by my own regrets
for not telling him what I wanted to.  I was torn. To go against my nature
and tell him what I wanted to, or to play it safe and pretend like I don't
have a single bit of interest in him? Chester simply sighed and sat down on
the edge of the bed, resting his forehead in the palms of his hands. His
eyes were presumably closed. In.. thought, perhaps? I didn't know. I was
too enveloped in the endless argument that ensued within my head. To tell
him or to ignore it.. The question was truly a difficult one that left me
completely confused. Lost, even.

Fuck it, I thought to myself, almost spitefully. I looked up to him slowly,
for without even knowing it I'd begun to stare down at the floor. It was
almost habitual, it seemed.. I tended to do it a lot, but yet I never
really noticed myself doing it.

"..I love you, Chester.." My voice was a hoarse, shaky whisper. My words
dripped with uncertainty, and my eyes dulled with fear.  The fear of being
rejected again, no doubt. I knew that I'd just gotten myself into a whole
mess of trouble, and I also knew that the longer Chester took to absorb my
words, the more nervous I got.

"..What did you say?" He asked, looking up to me once more, disbelievingly.

"Y- You heard me," I couldn't bring myself to say those words again, for
some reason.

"Then.. why leave?" He looked at me quizzically. I didn't know how to
start; I didn't think that I'd be able to find the right words. It took a
few moments of silence for me to prepare myself. But then..

"..Because. How would it work? Any of this.. How could we possibly last
together, if we were even ever to be together to begin with?  You're in a
band, Chester. You're almost constantly traveling. And.. When would I see
you? I'm not the type of person who can just sit around and wait for you. I
get lonely. I get depressed. I'm something of a masochist when it comes
to.. This. So, why not leave? I don't want to set myself up for getting
hurt again. Or, more importantly, I don't want to hurt you, Chester" ..I
think that was the most I'd ever said to a person about myself in my entire
life. Chester simply stared at me disbelievingly, realizing that that was
pretty much the most I'd ever talked.

"You - You could come with us, Scott," I knew he was getting desperate, and
I couldn't help but smile just a little bit to know that he..  Actually
felt something for it. It'd been a long time.

"..And do what? Live off of you guys? I wouldn't be able to stand myself,"
I was being realistic, but at the same time, I hoped that Chester wasn't
getting the impression that I simply didn't want to be with him. I did.

"We could.. I don't know, Scott. We could get you a job, somehow. But why
worry about that now? We can take care of it.. Later.  They won't mind if
you come along with me. They just.. Can't know about you and I, is all," He
was way too convincing, and I knew it.

"I don't know, Chester. I - " I couldn't say anything else. Once again he'd
kissed me. But this time, I didn't allow myself to be so.
Non-responsive. I kissed him back, however wary I was.

"..Just say you'll come, Scott," He whispered, shakily. It seemed like he
was almost more afraid of this than I was.

"..I- ..  Alright, Chester," I nodded slowly, and kissed him again.
__________________________________

Whoo. So, we're moving along in the story, now. Sorry this part took so
long, guys. I had to go in for kidney surgery a week ago, and.. I've been
bedridden since. But now I'm back, and as you can see, it was worth
waiting. (At least I think so).

Alright, well, Comments are welcome, as always.

Watchitcrumbie@aol.com