The usual disclaimers apply. DO not read this if you are not allowed to, or don't get caught. If you don't like sex between teenage males then back out now. This does not imply anything about the sexuality of Jonathan Taylor Thomas. I wish it did though!
This is my first attempt at a story so I would really appreciate any comments, good or bad.

PART 5 - The Diary

I woke up the next morning and for a second I forgot where I was, that was, until I heard that sexy American voice say,
"Good Morning Nicky".
I rubbed my eyes and looked up at my lover sitting cross legged on the bed writing in a book. He leaned down and kissed me on the forehead. He was already dressed wearing blue jeans and a black jumper. His feet were bare though.
"How long have you been up?", I asked him.
"About two hours", he replied, "I thought you'd never wake up".
"What day is it", I asked.
"Wednesday", he replied.
"Oh", I said climbing out of bed.
"Grab a shower there and I'll leave out some clothes for you, unless you want to pick out your own", he said.
"No, that's alright, whatever you pick is fine".
"Good", he said smiling and kissing me on the cheek, "I'll leave you to it".
I thought he was acting a bit strange but I left it and went to my shower.

When I came out of the shower he wasn't in the room, but I could here him in the living room talking to Ryan. I got dressed in the blue shirt and cream Levi's he'd left out. Today the Calvin Klein's were black. I wondered if he was wearing black ones aswell. I hoped I'd find out.
"Good, you're dressed", Jonathan said coming into the room.
"Yeah, just about", I replied, "I hope you don't mind me saying but you seem a bit strange today".
"I'm nervous", he replied.
"About what?", I asked.
"This", he replied reaching under the bed, "It's my diary. I want you to read it. Obviously not the whole thing, there's about 500 pages here. But the bits I've marked out for you. There's a few from last year and this year and then I want you to read the last few days".
"I can't read your diary", I said, "I mean it's all your private thoughts".
"You can read it, and you will read it. Please Nicky, this is important to me. I want you to understand. Come out when you're done". He left the room.

I lifted the book and sat cross legged on the bed. He'd placed little yellow tabs in the pages I was to read, so I turned to the first one and opened it up.

Wednesday August 19th 1998

Dear Diary,
I've finally accepted the fact that I'm different. Up until now I've pushed it to the back of my head. I mean, when I see a guy, I think he's hot, but then I tell myself it's only because I admire him. Straight boys can tell when another boy is hot. Can't they. Anyway I've been fighting with myself for months now. I think I've known it for years, but couldn't accept it. But I'm 16 now. It's time. Why is it so difficult? When I see little babies, I think, yeah I want children, definitely, a few of them. I couldn't be gay. But gay people want children too. I seen it on the TV. There goes that chance of convincing myself I was straight. But Diary, in all honesty, I wasn't going to be able to deny it for long. I was lying in bed thinking about it last night. It scares me. Why couldn't I be normal? What's wrong with me? I tried to blame it on my parents splitting up, or my brother picking on me when I was young. Then I fell asleep and I had a dream. In the dream I was walking on a beach and the clouds were racing really fast and the wind and rain were battering against my face. I was crying and running into the ocean. Then suddenly, the rain stopped and the wind calmed to a breeze. The clouds cleared away and the sun came out. The sun warmed me and I felt better. Then a voice, I think my own really, said "Jonathan, everything's going to be all right. You're going to be all right". Then I woke up, and you know what Diary I felt good. I know it's not going to be easy Diary, but I know I'm going to be all right.

I lifted my head from the diary just long enough to wipe the tears from my eyes. Who would have thought he was so messed up. On screen, he looked so strong and sure of himself. I suppose he really is a great actor. Not only hiding it from himself, but hiding it from the millions of people who watched him on TV. last night was the first time I'd seen him cry. I'd heard him crying in Ryan's room when I was listening at the door, but I thought that was about as far as it went. I on the other hand, cried at anything. I was weak. I turned to the next page he had marked and started to read again.

Tuesday September 8th 1998

Dear Diary,
I'm 17 today. Yeah another year older. I got loads of presents and stuff. Mom invited a few family friends over for dinner but it was boring. I'm pretty depressed, probably because it's my birthday, and birthdays get you to thinking. To make a long story short I'm lonely. I'm always lonely I suppose even with loads of friends round me, because I want more. I want love. My cousin Ryan, he's 14, and gay. He told me so himself when he tried to get me into bed with him. I wouldn't of course but I did think about telling him I was gay too. But then I realized he was too young to understand. I don't think he'd tell anyone but I don't think he could comfort me either. You should see him, it's all about sex with him. He's been with about 50 boys already, and the stuff he's done! I pretended not to listen as he babbled on about his conquests but I was fascinated really. He's a really cute lad, he could get as many as he wanted. But he couldn't have me, because he was my cousin, and because he couldn't give me the love that I want and need. I've thought about going to a gay hangout or something but I know that's out of the question. It'd be in all the papers by the next afternoon. I hate my fame sometimes. There's a lot to be said for being a household name, but there's a lot to be said for being just another face on the street too. So I go on day by day, hoping and praying that I'll meet someone by chance and we'll fall deeply in love and...but who am I kidding. I better just get used to being alone. People are starting to talk aswell. My agent wants me to get a girlfriend because he says my fans think I'm gay. If only he knew heh? Maybe I should take his advice.

No Jonathan I thought, don't give up hope. I could almost see him writing his diary, sitting on his own in his room. He had so many people around him, family, friends, co-stars, agents. Yet he was so alone it was heartbreaking. You could hear it in his words, sense the hopelessness, feel the pain. I turned to the next page he had marked. It was from a few months ago.

Satuarday February 7th 1999

Dear Diary,
After all my struggles, all my confusion and worry, and most of all after all the tears I couldn't take it anymore. I broke down last night and had to tell Mom everything. She'd noticed I was depressed for weeks and after asking me for about the 100th time what was wrong, I told her. I cried and she cried. She said it was OK, but then again the state I was in what else could she have said. She wanted me to see a counselor but I said no, so instead she wants me to go to Ireland with Ryan when they go there in a couple of months. She said it would perk me up, give me some time off work to get my head together. I said I'd go just to please her, but I don't want to go. You can change your surroundings but you can't change how you feel. I can't really tell but, is it as hard for straight people who have no girlfriend as it is for a gay boy to have no boyfriend? Do they feel this alone? I hope not, because I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I understood now why Jonathan had wanted me to read this. He wanted to show me that he wasn't some untouchable mega star. He was just a regular teenage lad. Sure he was famous and all, but that didn't mean he didn't feel the same as the rest of us. He was letting me inside his head. He was opening up to me the only way he knew how.
The next page he wanted me to read was from a few days ago.

Sunday 9th May 1999

Dear Diary,
I went to visit Ryan again today. I'm a bit bummed he's in hospital, but I'm sure he is too. I mean who comes the whole way to Ireland to spend 3 days in hospital. Oh well, if he hadn't been such a baby about the whole thing he could have been in and out in a couple of hours. Well anyway he's fine, cheerful as ever. I have to admit I feel better when I'm with Ryan. He's funny and perky and he makes me forget about things. There's no time for self pity when Ryan's around. There was a young lad in the bed next to Ryan. He says they brought him in last night. Drug overdose apparently. He's a real good looking lad. He looked real peaceful lying there. He hasn't woken up yet Ryan says. He must have swallowed some amount of pills. I wonder what could have driven him to it. I'll admit I've thought of it myself a few times, but then I thought, life's always worth living, no matter how unhappy you are. Anyway I'm sure he had his reasons. Lets just be thankful he wasn't successful. It makes me realize that there's people out there worse off than me. So I've counted my blessing and I realize I have a lot to be thankful for. And hey, life's not a rehearsal, and it's too short to waste.

Yeah I had my reasons alright I thought. Maybe I should have written them in a diary too and I could have shown them to him. I realized now that what I'd done was stupid, real dumb. A cry for help, my counselor would probably be telling me now. If I'd stuck around in the hospital to find out. I wondered what my parents were saying. After all I'd been missing since Monday. That was over two days. I picked up the diary again.

Monday 10th May 1999

Dear Diary,
When I walked into the hospital today I couldn't believe my eyes. Ryan was in bed with this kid who'd tried to kill himself. I was ready to drag Ryan out of the bed and kick some sense into him. Had he no limits. He'd taken advantage of this young boy, who must be vulnerable. I was about to wake Ryan and I said who would have thought it cous, and then the kid woke up and looked at me. When he figured out who it was he called me Randy. I thought that was cute. I thought he was cute. I didn't really think about him being gay but I felt really bad for him cos I knew that Ryan would just dump on him. So I took him to the canteen to talk to him, just to explain about Ryan. Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I fancied him but I didn't think about it. I found out his name was Nicky and after I'd told him about Ryan he started to cry. So I comforted him. What else could I do. He seemed to be a couple of years younger than me, 15 I found out later, and I felt an older person might reassure him. Then I really got the kid hysterical when I told him I'd seen his mom. Off he went in a panic, breaking his neck trying to get out of the hospital. I tried to stop him because he wasn't well and because he was so messed up. But there was no stopping, but me being the good Samaritan took him back to the hotel and that's where I am now. We flirted a bit on the way over here and when we got home I told him I was gay, and he told me he's had a crush on me for 5 years. Well I guess that's what he meant. He's sleeping in my bed and I'm in Ryan's. I have no regrets about bringing him here. I've only know him such a short time. But I think we've really hit it off, really clicked. Maybe, just maybe.

I'd wondered when he'd had time to write in his diary, but I guess I couldn't watch him all the time. Although I'd like to. I couldn't wait to read the rest.

Tuesday 11th May 1999

Dear Diary,
I can't even begin to describe it. After I'd fallen asleep last night, I woke up and heard Nicky moaning. I thought he was sick so I went in there. He was turning about on the bed and he kept saying no. He was having a nightmare so I shook his shoulder and he woke up screaming. And I'll be damned if he didn't start crying again. My heart ached watching him. I think that's why I fell for him so hard, because he feels every emotion, twenty times stronger than most, just like me. So I held him in my arms and it felt good. I'd never felt another boys bare touch before and I liked it. So I did what any friend would do. I offered to keep him company! He seemed to like the idea so I got in beside him. I lay on my back for a minute and he lay facing away. I thought to myself, he wanted me to sleep here, he's gay and he thinks I'm cute. So I said to hell with it and I rolled over and snuggled against me. He held my hand and I squeezed it and then for the first time ever I kissed a boy, even if it was only on the back of the head.

Ryan came in this morning then and caught us in bed. I thought he might be mad but he seemed fine about it. He told us about Nickys' father coming in. Poor kid. He really got stuck with bad parents. I was happy I had Nicky here with me. Then Ryan kicked up a big fuss about Nicky staying. I think he was jealous but I couldn't be sure. I got real mad at him and shouted at him, then I got upset. I wasn't going to let Ryan spoil my chances. He was mad because I hadn't confided in him about being gay. He gave in after I cried. He's a softy at heart really. I told him I really liked Nicky, and I meant it. He's my chance at happiness and I wasn't going to let that go.
I gave Nicky some of my clothes to wear and I even got to see him naked when he fell on the floor. I think he was watching me too though, which is a good sign. I'm not going to pressure him though.
We went to town then and had a great time. We went to the amusement park and got mobbed after Ryan introduced us to his "new friend" Michael. Nicky and I held hands and I loved the feel of his warm hand in mine. It felt great until he jerked it away when he realized what he was doing. I felt a real sting in my heart and I think he realized this and he held my hand again. Michael's cute. Him and Ryan look like a cute couple. He's real perky, just like Ryan. That's it for now Diary. I'm hoping something will happen tonight, but who knows. No pressure remember.

The next entry he wanted me to read was for today. It must have been what he was writing this morning before I woke up. I wonder if he said if I was good in bed or not?

Wednesday 12th May 1999

Dear Diary,
Last night was amazing. Ryan and Michael went off to bed together. There's no waiting with him. Anyway, I put on some music and it was a nice slow song so I asked Nicky to dance with me. He's so sweet and he looked so bashful about it. But he agreed and we danced close together. I loved the feel of him in my arms. I couldn't help myself and so I kissed him. On the cheek first, then all over his face, and then smack on the lips. I knew at that moment, although you might not believe me, that I was smack bang, head over heels in love with this boy. I didn't care if he was 2 years younger than me. To hell with that, love doesn't recognize trivial things like that.
We moved to the bedroom and the passion started to flow and things started to happen. I told him I loved him and he said I couldn't love him. That hurt. It took a lot of guts for me to say that to him and it hurt when he through it back in my face. I stormed out. I started crying again. I think Nicky's having an affect on my emotions. I kept thinking I do love him. And I knew it was true. But if he thought that I couldn't love him, then that meant he didn't think he love me. Maybe he can't get past the fact that I'm famous, or maybe he's scared I'm just gonna do to him what Ryan did. He came out then and apologized. I tried to tell him I didn't need to but he's so sweet and we made up. Then we went back to the bedroom, but we didn't have sex. We made love. We were passionate, playful and loving. It felt so right, so natural. He told me he loved me but I already knew that. I'd never felt so loved before in my life. We fell asleep.

When I woke up this morning Nicky I watched you sleeping for an hour. I know every line, every shadow in your face. I watched every movement you made and I still couldn't get enough. I could look at you forever Nicky, and never get bored. I hope you know now that I love you, because I know you love me. Knowing you, you're probably crying now so pick up something and throw it at the door and I'll come to you. I'll always come to you.

I was crying so I reached for a shoe from the floor and flung it at the door. Within seconds he was by my side and holding me in his strong arms.
"Do you understand now Nicky?", he cried, "Do you see why I love you?". he held me by the shoulders looking into my eyes desperately.
"I understand", I replied holding his gaze, "You were right. I was scared. Scared to love you in case you didn't love me back. In case you tricked me. But I love you too".
"I would never trick you. Never. Do you believe that now?", he asked hugging me close. He held me so tight. It seemed as though he'd never let go. Couldn't let go".
"I believe you", I replied.

There was a knock on the door. It was Ryan. He looked pale. He was holding Michael's hand.
"What is it Ryan?", Jonathan asked wiping his eyes, "What's wrong".
"I've just being in with Mom and Dad. They said a man was coming to see me. A man who's son had disappeared from the hospital room I was in. Your dad Nicky. He's on his way here now. you're in all the papers Nicky. But that's not the worst part. Granny is sick. We have to go home. Tomorrow."
No wonder he looked pale. I was now 40 shades of white myself. I looked at Jonathan in disbelief.
"What are we going to do?", I asked.
He just shook his head.

Sorry but that's the end of Part 5. Part 6 on the way. E-mail me with any comments. Flames will be ignored.

See this story on my site.