Date: Sun, 22 Jan 2006 16:42:10 -0800 (PST) From: Christie Williams Subject: Only One Chapter 4 Ricky spent most of his time with Jesse snuggled up on the couch watching movies, Jesse's way of introducing him to pop culture. Ricky tried not to jump when the possessed Linda Blair on screen started crawling down the stairs backward, but he couldn't help it. He buried his head in the curve of Jesse's shoulder. It had been another three weeks since that Saturday they first kissed. Things hadn't progressed in fact, they'd come to a screeching halt, thanks to whatever issue Ricky was having with sex. He was so afraid of being touched intimately, but he had no problem touching Jesse, and he had no idea why. So Jesse agreed not to push him but refused to accept anymore sexual favors. They were restricted to kissing. Ricky didn't like that they'd hit a wall, but he didn't know what to do. He tried not to obsess about it, but they'd gotten into some intense make out sessions and he indeed wanted to go farther but he just couldn't he would totally freak out if Jesse's hand even lingered near his fly. Ricky frowned, he was worried what if something was really wrong with him. He was a red blooded male, not even twenty yet and he was already having sexual disaffection. It wasn't like he was impotent or anything. He was just a eunuch. This didn't sound so good either once he thought about it. However there were a lot of cool eunuchs in the world, Superman was kind of eunuch and then the vampire from TV was a eunuch, Ryan Seacrest was eunuch. "What ya thinking?" Jesse asked. "I'm a eunuch Jesse, you're dating a eunuch..." Ricky said. "You are so not eunuch, you're just scared you want your first time to be special. It's understandable." Jesse said. "What in the hell is wrong with me." Ricky asked. "Nothing," Jesse said. "Something happened, I don't really remember..." Ricky said groping for the elusive memory, the one that always came up when Jesse was about to undress him but always ran back to the shady cobwebbed corners of his mind. "We'll figure this out," Jesse said reassuringly. Ricky sighed and snuggled closer eventually allowing himself to stop worrying and drift off to sleep. His dreams were hazy. There was a man there was always a man yelling at him, telling him that he was a loser, a good for nothing. It was like he was in fifth grade all over again, dusting erasers listening to Mr. Chadwick yelling at him, calling him stupid after class because he always knew the correct answer to the nearly unsolvable problem on the board. "You think you know it all don't you? You just love showing me up in front of the rest of the class don't you?" Mr. Chadwick asked. "I--I just corrected your spelling Sir..." Ricky had stuttered. "You're just a kid, you think you know more than me?" "I--I didn't mean to...I'm sorry, I won't say anything else in your class I p--promise." Ricky said quickly. "You're damn right you won't. Stop that crying boy I'll give you a reason to cry." Mr. Chadwick threatened. "I'm just gonna dust these and go home." Ricky told him. "What's the rush? You do want to be teacher's pet don't you? Why don't you let me pet you Ricky?" Before he could react he was being shoved against the wall and older hands were touching his body, big sweaty hands with hairy knuckles belonging to a fifty year old Math teacher, were unbuttoning Ricky jeans. Mr. Chadwick pressed his mouth to Ricky's before he could scream. His tongue probed Ricky's mouth and his hands held him in place keeping him still, if he'd gotten the growth spurt the boys in his class had he might have stood a chance of getting away, but as it was he was still about as developed as boys in the third grade were. Ricky woke himself up screaming, Jesse's hands were on his shoulders shaking him. The room was quiet and dark and his screams echoed through the apartment. "Ricky it's okay, you were dreaming." Jesse hugged him. Ricky took the time to adjust to the nonexistent light in the room. They were back in Jesse's room where they had taken to sleeping after bringing Ricky's bed in there and pushing the two beds together making a larger one. Knowing this did little to quell the frantic racing of his heart. "Jesse," Ricky whispered trying to look into the other man's eyes as he spoke but it was too dark for that. "I know why I'm reluctant about going forward." "Why?" "When I was in fifth grade, I had this teacher, Mr. Chadwick. He was so horrible to me, until one day I finally realized why he was so mean. He was attracted to me. He made me stay after..." Ricky said his voice breaking as he admitted it. "What's that fucker's address, I'm gonna go beat the shit out of him right now. Where's my bat?" Jesse asked trying to get out of bed. "Jesse..." Ricky pleaded. "Okay, what happened?" Jesse asked. "He kissed me and he tried to touch me but someone knocked on the door, a few weeks later I found out I was going to go to a private middle school and I never saw him again. I'd forgotten about the whole thing." Ricky said. Jesse pulled him close, "Are you okay?" "I'm good, still a bit scared of erasers but I think I'm over it. It was a repressed memory that was doing more harm to me when I couldn't remember it than it does now that I can." Ricky said. "You don't have to pretend everything's okay Ricky. You can be angry you can be sad. I'm here for you let out your emotions." "I don't have any emotions... what are you talking about." "Ricky...." "Alright, I hate him. Is that what you want me to say? Long after that day, he still manages to mess up my life just like he did all that year." "He molested you Ricky it's more than an inconvenience." "Don't you think I know that? I just can't deal with it right now, can you just hold me Jesse. We always talk about how I'm feeling, yeah I know I'm a total drama queen but you really indulge me too much." Ricky smirked. Jesse laughed, "Maybe so, if I didn't ask you how you felt you'd never discuss it." "I guess not." Ricky said his hand lingering on Jesse's chest. "You know you wouldn't." Jesse said. "Kiss me." "What?" "Jesse, I need you to kiss me. Make those bad memories go away. Show me what it should be like." "Ricky...." "I'm not a child anymore," Ricky said kissing Jesse hard on the mouth.