Date: Sat, 10 Jul 1999 01:46:00 WST
From: Boogie Boy <boy_boogie@hotmail.com>
Subject: Ryan's Intentions V

*This story is fictional and isn't meant to imply that Ryan Phillippe is 
gay. If you are too young to read this, or if this material offends you, 
please leave. If not, read on and I hope you enjoy the story (it's 
fictional- I'm not even in my own country)!
This is the first of this type of story I have written. Any comments and 
suggestions, please send them to: boy_boogie@hotmail.com
Thank you for all the mail I have received so far, I really appreciate it.

RYAN'S INTENTIONS V

   I layed uncomfortably on the bed, under the soft thick covers for about 
God knows how long until I decided that I could not sleep.  The events of 
earlier in the evening replayed in my mind.  `Why was I so angry and 
snappish?  Why did I feel so--so threatened by Ryan?  Why didn't I tell him 
about it?  Why did I push him away when he seemed to care for me?  Why did I 
think? Why not just feel?  It isn't exactly unbelievable that he was 
attracted to you Justin!'  These unanswered questions kept returning to my 
mind as I layed back pondering what to do.  Should I go out and look for 
Ryan?  No, it's too late, and I don't even know where his room is.
   I had to do something though - Ryan's hurt face when I told him to go 
kept appearing every time I closed my eyes.  I couldn't sleep like this.  I 
pulled away the sheets for the bed and sat up, bending up my knees where I 
rested my elbows for a moment while I held my head in my hands, deciding 
what I should do.  Slowly, I got up and stood beside the bed, allowing my 
eyes to adjust to the darkness of very early morning while I grabbed my robe 
and put it on.  Quietly and swiftly I walked through the bedroom and lounge 
room, out into the hall and down to the dining room and stage area, 
lightening my pace as I noticed how the floor was creaking.  Soon I was 
tiptoeing my way to the piano.  I raised the lid over the keys and quietly 
sat down, running the tips of my fingers along the keys.  I raised my hands, 
preparing to play a piece, anything, but a feeling of being watched crept 
over me.  I tried to make out a figure in the reflection but I could barely 
see myself.
   I turned around quickly, and I saw Ryan standing behind me, glaring at 
me.  Ryan was wearing a dark baggy jumper and some track pants.  He looked 
like he had slept as well as I had.  I looked into his eyes and saw the hurt 
they contained.  Ryan's eyes stared angrily into mine, as I tried to think 
of something to say, or something to do.  I spun my feet around the bench so 
that now I was directly looking up at Ryan.  Ryan still stood there with his 
arms crossed in front of his chest while mine rested down my sides, leaning 
on the bench.  I looked down onto the floor, contemplating what I would say 
before I looked up to see Ryan walk away.  `Say something quickly, before he 
leaves!' I thought to myself.
   "Ryan, wait." I pleaded, but he continued to walk out of the hall. I 
stood up and followed Ryan past the empty tables and stacked up chairs, past 
the paintings that hung up on all the walls, past the entrance to the 
kitchen, and out of a wooden side door.
   "Ryan. Ryan! Wait!"
He went out of the door and as it closed I almost walked into it.  I opened 
the door and as I stepped outside, the cold windy air made me shiver, and 
the shake traversed into my voice as I spoke to Ryan, a few feet in front of 
me, leaning against the fence railing at the edge of the boat, like a 
silhouette in the early morning sky.  There were still a few stars out, but 
they began to fade ever so slightly as subtle traces of light reached the 
horizon.  Ryan just stared at me, with his arms also on the fence, looking 
at me with anger.
   "Look Ryan, I'm sorry I've been a real jerk off and a plain asshole, it's 
just that a lot of stuff has happened to me in the last six months."  I 
stopped, waiting for a reaction from Ryan but there wasn't one.  A look of 
curiosity spread across his face.  He didn't have to say it, he wanted to 
know what had happened to me. "For I while, I thought I couldn't possibly 
make it. I really wanted to kill myself, but I was too scared to. I mean, 
there was no family I could have possibly hurt, but I couldn't bring myself 
to doing it. Since then, I've ... changed. I'm not the same person I was at this 
time last year. I don't think I'll ever be the same person I was ever again. 
I've just been dealt too many tragedies and hardships to appreciate people, 
or anything enjoyable in life. So I say to myself, I'll come back to 
Australia and make a new start of things, in a new place where nobody knows 
me, and where I can live in peace, but then I meet you. Why did I have to 
meet you? Why did you have to be so caring, so thoughtful, so ... beautiful? 
I've known you for just a few days, I know, but you mean so much to me! I 
mean, you make me smile and make me feel happy. I'm so sorry that you don't 
know this, and I'm sorry that I just pushed you away last night, please, you 
must believe me, it's just that--" I paused, trying to control myself but I 
began to cry anyway, "It's just that every time I let someone know me, allow 
someone to love me, or allow myself to love someone, I always - they always 
- get hurt.  I don't think I could handle losing someone else, not now, not 
ever again.  I didn't want you to know me, but you broke down all my 
barriers, I liked you, but I thought, I thought that you would hurt me like 
everyone else." I took a brief pause and tried to control my tears, "When 
you kissed me, and alarm went off in my head saying `WARNING! WARNING! 
You'll get hurt again!' So I pushed you away. Ryan, I just pushed you away, 
I'm sorry, but I'm afraid of you, I have feelings for you, and I respect 
you, and I got so confused feeling all of this for you. I don't know why, 
but fear over took me. It's like you've been the sunshine in my last six 
months of rain. It felt so wonderful to have someone care for me. But my 
defence was just there. It protects me, and denies me. It protects me from 
hurt and pain while causing it also, and it denies me of a chance to, to, to 
love. To love you." I looked deep into Ryan's eyes as I spoke the last 
sentence.
   I continued to cry as I held up my hands to my head, wandering whether I 
should have told him what I felt.  I wiped away the tears on my cheeks and 
looked at Ryan, hopefully, waiting for him to respond to me.  I waited for 
him to digest my emotions, while I also thought about what I had just said.  
I stood there waiting.  I had never been so honest in telling anyone just 
how I felt, and I felt slightly relieved to have shared this with someone.
   Ryan altered his stance so that he was standing on another foot while 
leaning on the fence.  He looked at me, with a feeling of shock and sadness 
covering his face.  I then realised that I shouldn't have said anything.  
Why did I tell him?  Now he'll treat me like a charity case, and charity 
isn't what I need.  `But what do you need Justin?' I asked myself, unable to 
find an answer.
   "Look Ryan, I'm sorry about that, and I'm sorry being such a dickhead 
before, and I'm sorry that you had to hear that, I mean, you know, I 
shouldn't have said anything."
   I began to turn around and when I had my back to Ryan, I stood still for 
a moment with my head hanging down and shoulders hunched, before I began to 
walk away.  Suddenly I felt a hand upon my shoulder which sent a warmth that 
dissolved the cold of the air.  I turned around to see Ryan looking at me 
intently.  I looked down, I didn't want to see his beautiful face.
   "Justin, I accept your apology. I forgive you! I forgave you when you 
said `Ryan, I'm sorry'!" said Ryan, smiling. I stood standing, stunned by 
Ryan's words.
   "You, you forgive me?" I questioned.
Ryan's smile remained on his face as he nodded.
   "But I want to know what has happened in these last six months that has 
hurt you. I want to know why you are so afraid, so--so childlike. I want to know 
what you are running from."
I was taken aback by his concern and intrigue.
   "Sometimes running away is the right thing to do, and you won't feel any 
of the pain if you run from the past." I commented angrily.
Ryan looked at me, not satisfied with my response.
   "Ryan, I haven't told anyone, I've dealt with it myself and-"
   "You have to tell someone Justin. Running from the past can cause so much 
pain that it destroys a person, or at least alters them forever. You can run 
from the past, or you can deal with it. Learn from it. Please Justin, tell 
me, I, I care about you. A lot."
I looked up into Ryan's eyes, feeling a small smile appear on my face as my 
eyes dried up.
   "You do?"
   Ryan simply nodded, with a look of eagerness spreading from his eyes. I 
tried to think of how I was going to tell him, and I decided I should tell 
him what happened and how I felt about it, in a chronological fashion.  I 
took a deep breath, took Ryan's hand off my shoulder and held it in mine.
   "Well, just over half a year ago, a relationship that had lasted for 
seven years, seven whole years, ended. From my fifteenth birthday, right up 
until my twenty first. That's how long we were together. It wasn't seven 
years straight, but it was for the most of that time, but during the last 
couple of months, Krystle and I were different.. But I told her that I was 
gay, after trying to deny it for some time. I thought of all people, she 
would understand. But she didn't. She wouldn't. I don't know, but she just 
looked at me with such ... disgust. I'll never forget the way in which she 
looked at me after I told her Ryan, never." I said, as I felt tears welling 
up in my eyes, before I continued.
   "And she just left, and I felt so alone. I couldn't possibly tell any of 
my friends that I was gay, and I felt like I was the only gay young adult on 
Earth. I couldn't even tell my best friend, or any of my family. And I went 
to see Krystle later on, only to find that she was, that she was cheating on 
me. She was cheating on me, with my best friend Adrian. A friend I had known 
for as long as I can remember." I stopped speaking, and began crying into my 
free hand. "They don't know that I knew, because the following day I was 
leaving to America with my mum. I never told either of them that I found 
out, I couldn't. I was too scared that Krystle would convince me it was my 
fault or something. But I will never get over the fact that she must have 
had a lot of nerve to even dare blame me for our break up, when she was 
cheating on me. I mean, I gave her all of my love, my heart. I ended up just 
getting washed out by her. That's what I got for loving someone? And I 
wanted her to hurt. I wanted her to hurt like she hurt me. And I never knew 
why? How could someone I had know for so long do something like that? Maybe 
she didn't feel the same about me, I don't know, but I want her to feel pain 
I wanted her to feel everything I felt multiplied by a thousand!" I sobbed 
bitterly as Ryan held me close hugging me, where I cried upon his shoulder.
   Ryan's hands were wrapped around my back as I placed my arms along his 
sides and hands upon the centre of his back.  I felt Ryan's right hand 
gently stroke my short sandy blonde hair as his hand opened and just rested 
on the back of my head.  Ryan and I both stood like this in silence for a 
few moments.  I needed someone to hold, to cling to, to comfort me.
   "Ryan, I'm sorry for pushing you away before." I whispered loud enough 
for him to hear.
   "Justin, really, its okay."
I moved my neck back so my head was off Ryan's shoulders.  I looked deep 
into Ryan's eyes, smiling.  Ryan smiled back at me, with that cute and sexy 
grin of his.  I looked just over his shoulder and past his head and noticed 
for the first time that the sun was rising.  What a beautiful sunrise, I 
thought to myself as I viewed the dark purple and golden sky alter the 
clouds and provide beautiful lighting on Ryan.  My gaze eventually headed 
back towards Ryan.  He looked at me with intent, and I saw desire burn in 
his eyes.  I moved my right hand from his back and curled it, before moving 
it and holding it against his cheek.  I slowly moved around it before I 
opened my hand and let my thumb slightly stroke his smooth, beautiful skin. 
"You are so beautiful Ryan."
   As I held his face in my hand, I closed my eyes, and leant in towards 
Ryan.  I stopped just millimetres from his mouth, where I could feel his 
lips breathe upon mine, before I slightly parted my lips and placed them on 
Ryan's.  My body shuddered in utter pleasure. My head was tilting slightly 
as I began to move my lips, slowly, sharing my breath with Ryan.  I opened 
and closed my lips at varying speeds while my hands ran down from his neck 
back to holding him while he stroked my hair and the back of my neck which 
turned me on wildly, as well as sending shivers throughout my body in 
contrast with the shaking of the cold wind.
   The next time I opened my mouth Ryan's tongue ran across my lips and 
wetting them, while slowly entering my mouth.  His tongue met mine and we 
slowly moved the round each other, hoping to please one another.  We must 
have been doing this for at least fifteen minutes, because when I finally 
broke off the kiss and caught a deep breath, the sun had risen over the 
horizon.  For a moment, Ryan and I looked at each other, passion filling our 
eyes as we smirked.  I didn't even realise it until then, but when we broke 
off the kiss, our hands joined and held.  Ryan broke the comfortable silence 
between us.
   "Well, shall we have breakfast now?" Ryan asked with a sleek grin on his 
face.
   "I don't think I can eat, I mean my mouth is so sore!" I wailed 
sarcastically as we walked towards the hall, hand in hand.

To be continued...

Well, I hope that this was worth the wait and remember, if you have any 
comments, negative or positive, or even ideas for the story, please feel 
free to e mail them to: boy_boogie@hotmail.com