Date: Mon, 28 Jun 1999 21:47:10 PDT From: Justin's Boy Subject: Ryan's Love 14 ****This story is completely fictional. It is not meant to imply anything about the sexuality of the real Ryan Phillippe or about any of the other people mentioned. Nor is it meant to be representative of the relationship of the real Ryan and Reese. "Scott? Are you there?" Silence. "Okay. Well, it's Seth again. Call me, all right? I'm here if you need me." I hung up the phone after leaving the sixth message on Scott Foley's machine in as many days. So far, he hadn't called me back once. "No answer?" Ryan asked, sitting down beside me on the sofa. "Nope. I just wish he'd let me help him," I sighed. "You're a good friend, Seth, but you can't help everyone with all of their problems. Scott is an adult and it's his life. You can't live it for him," Ryan said. "Ryan, I don't want to live his life for him. I just want him to know that I'm here for him, that he can talk to me," I said, feeling a little angry at Ryan's choice of words. "Hey, don't get upset with me," Ryan said softly, putting his arm around my shoulder. "I just don't want to see you worrying yourself to death over everyone else's problems." "Scott's my friend. And he's going through a lot. You know that, Ryan, you saw him the other night!" I said, shrugging his arm away and thinking back to Scott's drunken arrival at our house. He'd slept on the sofa that night and barely said a word when he woke up late the next morning. "Scott, what's going on? AJ told me that you'd broken up with Simon. Are you okay?" I'd asked. "I'm fine, Seth. Just really embarrassed. I'm so sorry for coming here in the middle of the night like that. I just had too much to drink, that's all," Scott had replied. He'd barely been able to look at me. In fact, he'd seemed more like a caged animal, anxious to escape, than the friend I'd know for the past several months. "Scott, if you want to talk about it, I'll listen. I've been there, you know?" I'd said gently. "There really isn't much to talk about, Seth. It's over. We've gone our separate ways. End of story." "Scott... You said something last night about Simon's videos. That he couldn't be with you because he'd made videos." I waited for a few moments, watching Scott's haggard face. "Scott? You knew about his videos, right? I mean, we all did. We talked about it that day in the commissary, right after his first guest shot on the show," I'd said when he hadn't replied. "Seth, please. I don't want to get into it all, okay? Where are my car keys? I'd like to get home and shower. Thanks for putting me up for the night. It won't happen again," Scott answered. A few minutes later he was gone, leaving me in total confusion as to what had really caused the break up between him and Simon. All I really knew was that Scott wasn't taking it well. "Seth, come on. You're not mad at me, so please don't take it out on me," Ryan said as he watched me stand up and walk over to the chair in front of my computer, where I sat down heavily. "No, Ryan, I'm not mad at you. But you don't understand. Scott needs to talk about this. It's going to get worse if he bottles it up," I sighed again. For a few moments, Ryan just stared at me from across the room. Then he slowly began to shake his head from side to side, a look of bitter amusement crossing his face. "I don't understand? Yeah, Seth, that's right. I don't understand what it's like to be in a relationship that ends badly. I don't fucking understand what it's like to give your heart to someone for the first time in your life and then have him smash it and hand it back with a laugh. No, I wouldn't understand about any of that, would I?" The sudden harshness of Ryan's voice sent a chill through my body and I instantly felt guilty. "Ryan, I didn't mean-" "No, Seth, you're right. You're the one who knows how everyone else feels. Or how everyone else should feel. You're the one who's the perfect friend, the perfect everything. God knows, you'd never end up in a relationship like that," Ryan said coldly. I watched, speechless, as he stood up and walked down the hallway. The door to our room slammed a few moments later, the sharp sound of it echoing in my mind. "Shit," I muttered, dropping my head into my hands. After a few seconds I stood up and walked slowly down the hall. I knocked softly on our door, pausing to listen for Ryan's answer. There wasn't any. "Ryan?" I called, opening the door and stepping inside. The room was empty, the only light coming from the crack under the bathroom door. I closed the bedroom door behind me out of habit, even though Reese was visiting her family and making final plans for the wedding. "Ryan?" I asked again as I knocked on the bathroom door. It opened before I'd even finished knocking and I found myself looking into Ryan's crystal blue eyes, which were flashing with anger. "I'm sorry, babe," I said softly, reaching out to touch his face. Ryan turned his head and I dropped my hand and sighed. "Ryan, I didn't mean anything by that. I'm sorry." "Forget it," Ryan snapped, his voice still hostile. I turned around and walked over and sat on the edge of our bed. A minute passed slowly while I searched my mind for something to say that could make things right. "You're on my side of the bed," Ryan said as he turned out the bathroom light and walked towards me. "Ryan, it's a little early to be going to bed," I smiled, attempting to lighten things up. "I have to be on the set early tomorrow. And you've got the Miramax meeting, remember?" Ryan said. Everything about him, from his face to his posture, was rigid, set in just the right manner to show me that he was still angry. I sighed and fell backwards, lying across the middle of the bed. "Ryan, what do you want me to say? I think you're overreacting just a little. I wasn't trying to upset you, okay? I'm sorry." "Seth, I said to forget it. I need to get some sleep." "No. Ryan, I'm not going to let you go to sleep while you're angry at me. Let's talk about it, okay?" I asked, sitting back up to face him. "You're not going to let me go to sleep? What are you, my father? My master?" Ryan raised his voice into a half-yell. "Stop it! Now you're just twisting everything I say, Ryan," I half yelled back. "Seth, are you going to move? Or should I go sleep in Reese's room?" Ryan asked, pointedly ignoring my statement. "Oh, grow up, Ryan," I snapped, standing up and leaving the room. I went to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator without really wanting anything inside of it. After a few moments of just standing there, staring blindly at it's contents, I grabbed a bottle of Evian and closed the door. I sat on one of the bar stools in the dark kitchen and sighed, gulping down the water and trying to sort things out in my mind. I'd nearly finished the water when the room suddenly flooded with light. I blinked rapidly, allowing my eyes to get used to the light, and looked across the kitchen at Ryan. "Sorry," he mumbled, looking in my general direction but not meeting my eyes. "Me, too," I replied. Our eyes met then and Ryan held out his hand. "Let's talk," he said. I nodded and walked over to him, taking his hand in mine. He led the way back to the living room and we sat down on the sofa again. "Ryan, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to imply that you don't know anything about what it's like to-" "Seth," Ryan interrupted me. "I overreacted. I'm sorry. It's just that lately, I've been thinking about things that I haven't let myself think of for a long time." "Like what?" I asked. Ryan kept his eyes on our hands, still joined together and lying on the sofa between us. "Like what I went through before you. Before us," he said. "What you went through? With Scott Wolf?" I asked quietly. "Yeah. Ever since he started hitting on you, it's been on my mind. And this whole thing with Scott Foley, it's eerie. That night he came here, it was like a mirror. It was like I was looking at myself in the mirror, only it wasn't me now, it was me then. Right after it ended with Scott Wolf." "Oh, Ryan. I'm so sorry. And then I had to go and put my foot in my mouth. God, I'm a real sensitive boyfriend, aren't I?" I shook my head. "You are. You're just worried about Scott. I understand that. But I'm just feeling all of these things lately that I'm not sure how to deal with. I'm not even sure how to put them into words," Ryan said, raising his eyes to mine. There was no anger left in his blue eyes, only pain. "Ryan, you can say anything to me. You don't have to deal with all those feelings alone, not any more," I said, squeezing his hand gently. "That's what I mean. I didn't have to deal with them at all before now. There were buried. Now there just all here again, and I fucking hate it!" Ryan ran his free hand angrily through his hair. I was silent for a few moments, not quite sure what to say next. Finally I brought Ryan's hand to my lips and kissed it. "I love you." "I know that," Ryan's face broke into a brief smile. "Good. Because I do. All those feelings that you're having are left over from a different time in your life. A time that ended years ago. They don't really matter any more, unless you let them matter. That's what you're doing by not dealing with them once and for all. You're letting them matter," I said, hoping I didn't sound like a psychology textbook. Ryan smiled at me and shook his head. "God, I fell in love with Dear Abby." "Hey, it could have been worse. You might have got Dr. Ruth," I grinned. Ryan smiled back at me for a few seconds and then sighed, leaning back on the sofa and letting go of my hand. He stretched his arms above him in the air and then let them drop at his side. "Where do I start? It's been so long." "Act 1, Scene 1," I said softly. Ryan glanced over at me and smiled again. "Okay. I was conceived on a cold and rainy day-" "Ryan!" I laughed. "Come on." "All right, all right. Well, I told you the main facts already. I had a few encounters in high school, but nothing serious until Scott. He used me and as soon as he got what he wanted, that was it. It hurt like hell, and I closed myself off and tried to be what everyone wanted me to be," Ryan said. "There had to be more to it, Ryan," I said softly, voicing an opinion that had been lurking at the back of my mind for some time. "Scott's such a slime. You couldn't have been that oblivious to what he was like, and it couldn't have been just sex for you. What really happened?" Ryan sighed deeply and for a moment I thought he'd changed his mind about delving into these past events and feelings. Then he rested his head on the back of the sofa and closed his eyes. "Act one, scene one. I knew I was gay when I was a teenager, but I wouldn't let myself know. Does that make sense? Even after I was with that first guy. He was in my Math class. I didn't let it go any farther than a blow job or two, from him. I told myself that it didn't make me gay if I let him suck me, as long as I didn't suck him. It didn't last long, because I got scared that I might let myself do other things. "I was 'good' for about a year after that. Then it happened again, with one of my friends. Only I let myself go a little farther that time. It felt so right, but at the same time, so wrong. I hated myself, Seth. I hated myself for being so damn weak and for liking guys. So, I stopped that, too, before it went very far. And then I got the part on One Life to Live. How ironic, huh? There I was, beating myself up and forcing myself to believe that I wasn't gay, that it was just a strange phase, and I get cast as a gay teen," Ryan shook his head at the irony. "But it didn't matter after that, because I focused on the work. My lack of a love life didn't matter. Nothing did but the work. Then I got White Squall. You know, I'd always felt different inside, but I was always safe on the outside. I mean, no one could tell just by looking at me. Then I met Scott. Seth, he wasn't like he's been towards you. Not at first. He was just a fun guy to be around. We hung out between takes and talked. He was a friend. I didn't really have that many friends in the business at the time, and he kind of took me under his wing. "I don't know if he planned on seducing me right from the beginning or not. I guess he might have. But if he did, he didn't do it in his usual way. He wasn't obvious or anything. In fact, the first time I heard he was gay wasn't even from him. One of the other guys said something one day about Scott being a queer. I couldn't believe it. Everyone knew, though. He didn't really hide it then, either. I guess I was just naive. Anyway, once I heard that, I started to avoid him. I didn't trust myself. Of course, Scott noticed that I suddenly went out of my way not to be alone with him. So, he called me on it one day when he did manage to get me alone," Ryan stopped and opened his eyes again. He turned his head and looked at me, his eyes asking a silent question. "Go on," I said softly. "I made up some lame excuse, but he saw through it. He knew why I was avoiding him. Part of me thinks he was waiting for me to react like that so he could make his move. But maybe it was sincere. Maybe he really didn't plan any of it. He kissed me, in my trailer. I pushed him away, but it took everything I had to do it. I wanted to kiss him back so badly, Seth. It scared me, though, because it was even worse than in high school. Then, it had just been sexual urges with guys I didn't really care about. But suddenly I really wanted to be with Scott. Not just sexually, but in every way. I'd fallen for him without even realizing it. "But Scott knew exactly what I was going through. He just put his arms around me and told me that I was okay. That it wasn't wrong to feel that way about another guy. It was such a simple thing, Seth, but no one had ever told me that before. I didn't know. It sounds so stupid, but it's true. I'd always felt so wrong, and suddenly there was Scott, telling me that I was right after all," Ryan said, a tear rolling slowly down his cheek. I reached out and wiped it away with my fingers, even as I felt tears making their way down my own face. "Everything just came together, Seth. I'd never been so happy. I was in love for the first time in my life. It was incredible. And I thought Scott was in love, too. But it wasn't enough, I guess. After the movie wrapped and we got back to L.A., we still saw each other all the time, for a few weeks anyway. Then one day I went to surprise him on the set and.... well, I don't have to paint you a picture, do I? He was in his dressing room with another guy." "Oh, Ryan," I closed my eyes, feeling the pain that he must have went through at that moment. "Yeah. It was all a lie, Seth. It was just sex to him." "What did you do?" "What else could I have done? I'd been a complete fool without even realizing it. I turned around and walked away. He didn't follow me, it would have meant interrupting his conquest," Ryan said. "He must have done something, though. Didn't he try and call you, or see you later on?" "Yeah, of course. Said it was just meaningless sex and that he hoped I didn't let it ruin the fun we had together. Fun. That's all it was to him. I told him to go to hell. It all felt wrong again. Like I was wrong, after all. I was a wreck for awhile, but then I did what everyone wanted me to do. I dated girls. I couldn't deny to myself that I was gay any more, but I did convince myself that I could fall in love with the right woman and marry her. After all, gay relationships were all about sex, right? So, I met Reese, and I convinced myself that I could be what I wasn't, that I was happy that way. That's where you came in," Ryan smiled at me. We sat in silence for a few minutes while I digested everything Ryan had just told me. Finally I turned back towards him and leaned forward, kissing his lips. "That all explains so much, Ryan," I whispered. "Like what?" he asked, softly, kissing me back. "The way you acted when we first got together, for one thing. The day you looked me in the eye and told me that I meant nothing to you. I thought it was because you were scared to take a chance and risk ruining your career, but it wasn't just that. You were scared of being hurt again. And that night I flew to New York to tell you that Scott Foley had kissed me. The first assumption you made was that I'd cheated on you and slept with him, remember? Because deep down, you'd been expecting something like that to happen, since Scott had done that to you." It was Ryan's turn for silence as he thought over what I'd said. He slowly started to nod his head. "Yeah. I guess you're right. I didn't ever want to take another chance like I had with him. I promised myself that I wouldn't. With Reese, I was safe. I couldn't get my heart broken because I didn't love her that way. But then I met you that night. Do you remember how I left with Reese, and then came back to find you? Part of me was praying you'd be gone already, so I wouldn't have to deal with the consequences. And part of me needed you so badly. But I almost didn't do it. I saw you waiting outside the club and I almost turned and ran away. I don't know where I got the strength to put my hand on your shoulder, but I'm so glad I did." "I am, too. If you hadn't I wouldn't be alive. I'd still exist, like I always did before that night, but I wouldn't be living. I didn't start doing that until I met you," I said. "Oooh, remember that. That sounds like something Felicity should say to Noel! Or Ben," Ryan grinned that devilish little grin that had become so familiar. "No way. That's just between you and I," I smiled. "I was hoping you'd say that," Ryan whispered, leaning forward and bringing his mouth to mine again. "Ryan, you know something?" "What?" he asked, looking into my eyes, his arms still wrapped around me and his forehead pressed against mine. "I think you're wrong about Scott's feelings for you." "What do you mean?" "From what you said, it really doesn't sound like he seduced you and used you for sex. It sounds like he really cared about you." "Seth, I told you what he said after I caught him with that guy. It was just fun for him, that's all." "That's what he said, yeah. But maybe he was trying to protect himself. He knew that he'd blown it and that it was over. There was no way you were going to forgive him after what you'd walked in on. So he was making it easier by lying to you and to himself that it hadn't been anything more than sex," I said, thinking out loud. "No. Look at the way he's come on to you, Seth. Look at his reputation. He's just out for all the physical pleasure he can get." "I'm not saying that's not true. He's a self centered guy, that's for sure. But from what you said, he wasn't like that with you. He was gentler, more caring." "Okay, maybe. But then why was he fucking around, if he cared so much?" "Because he's weak. He can't stop himself. It's sad, really. He blew it big time with you. You were in love with him, and I think he was in love with you, too. But he was weak, and he got caught." Ryan was quiet again, and I looked into his eyes as he thought over what I said. He let go of me and turned back around. "I can't say I never considered that. Right after it happened, I tried to tell myself that he really did love me. But the longer I lived in this town, the more I heard about his exploits and realized that I'd been a total moron." "I don't think so, Ryan. I really don't. Look at the way he's acted around me! He's got to know that after all the things he's said to me he'll never get me into bed. He's been a total ass. But he still keeps taunting me whenever I see him. Why? Because I'm with you! It drives him crazy that you've found happiness with me. He had you once and he lost you, so he's trying to make me pay for that. He's trying to make me feel insecure about our relationship, because he screwed up yours," I said the words as the thoughts occurred to me. It made so much sense, I'd been stupid not to see it before. Scott Wolf could have just about anyone he wanted. Why had I let myself believe that his actions towards me were because he wanted to get me into bed? The real reason had been there all along! "So you really think he did all that because he was jealous that you had me? He never really wanted to sleep with you?" Ryan sounded skeptical. "Oh, I'm sure he would have loved to sleep with me. But only because then he'd have ruined our relationship. He would have proved to himself that it wasn't just him who couldn't be satisfied loving one guy, it was everyone. That it wasn't his problem, that no one could be faithful." "Wow. You may be right. Then again, maybe he's just an asshole, plain and simple," Ryan smiled. I laughed. "Maybe. Either way, it really doesn't matter any more. Now that I think I know what makes him tick, I'm not going to let him bother me any more. I actually feel sorry for him, Ryan. He's incapable of being happy with just one person, even when he's in love with him. He's going to end up alone and bitter." Ryan looked sad for a moment as he considered this. "Seth, you know what I said before? About you being Mr. Perfect friend and just plain Mr. Perfect? Well, I meant it as an insult, but it's true. You're amazing." "No, I'm not. Ryan, you're were right. I do get too wrapped up in other people's problems and other people's lives. AJ's, Scott Foley's, even Scott Wolf's now," I said. "Seth, you're a good friend, that's all." "No. I take it all too personally, Ryan. When I had lunch with AJ last week, she told me that she wasn't as happy with Scott Speedman as she hoped to be. And you know what? My first thought was that my perfect little idea of how things should be was in jeopardy." "But I bet you told AJ that she had to do what made her happy, right?" Ryan asked touching my face. "Yeah. But that's not the point. The point is, I feel so protective of them all, like I know how to arrange their lives better than they do. Like they're characters in a script I'm writing. AJ and Scott Speedman live happily ever after, and so do Scott Foley and Simon. But life isn't a script, Ryan. I can't keep feeling so paternal towards them all. They're not my children, they're my friends. I've got to let go a little and just be a friend and nothing more," I said. "If that's how you feel, Seth, then you've already made the first step. You've realized what you need to do. But you were right about Scott Foley. He's got to talk to someone about what he and Simon went through. He's got to let those feelings out, or he'll ruin any chance for future relationships for a long time. Like I did," Ryan said. "But he obviously doesn't want to talk to me about it. So i've got to stop pushing so hard. I've let him know that I'm here for him. I have to leave it at that." "Well, I think we've really exhausted this Hallmark moment heart to heart," Ryan grinned after a few moments of silence between us. "You think so? Good, because I don't think I have the strength for any more soul searching tonight," I smiled. "I hope you have the strength for something else," Ryan said, raising his eyebrows suggestivley. "Nope, sorry. I've got to get my beauty sleep," I laughed. "You can't be any more beautiful than you already are!" Ryan protested with a smile. "Be that as it may, we do have to be up early tomorrow, as you pointed out. Remember? I have that life altering meeting with the Miramax people, and you have some nude scenes to shoot, don't you?" "We shot the nude scenes last week. But fine, I'll go without tonight just so you can be at your best tomorrow and sell your script. No, no! Don't feel sorry for me, I'll survive," Ryan put on a show of noble self sacrifice. "Oh, poor baby! No sex for one night. Sucks to be you!" I smiled. "Yeah, it does. All right, come on. Let's go to bed then," Ryan said. "Okay. By the way, I didn't realize that you were so touchy about your side of the bed," I commented as we made our way back to the bedroom. "Shut up!" Ryan grinned, looking sheepish. ************************ "That was it?" I asked, a little confused. "Yeah. Don't worry, they may change their position. If not we've got feelers out. With a star already attached, it shouldn't be too long a wait," my agent, Peter, explained as we made our way out of the building after the Miramax meeting. "I don't understand why they wanted to meet with us at all, if they didn't really like the script," I said. The entire meeting had consisted of the men (and one woman) in suits offering a relatively small sum of money to purchase the script as it was. They explained that I'd be given credit for the original story, as if that was the greatest thing I'd ever hoped to achieve. "The liked the concept, Seth. They liked the idea of Phillippe starring in it. Nothing unusual in them wanting to make drastic changes before it's filmed," Peter said. "Yeah, but if anyone's going to make those changes, it's me. I'm not going to sell it to them and let them bring in someone else to cut it up and rework it. It's my script!" I said, feeling like someone had suggested taking my first born child and giving him to another parent to raise. "Yeah, you made that perfectly clear in there. It's going to be tough going, if that's your intention. You're a television writer with one credit to your name. You're not going to find a studio willing to let you see your script through all the way to the end. Well, we'll work on it, but it's not going to be easy, even with Phillippe attached. You might have to give in. Take the money and run. Once you've got the credit for the original idea on this picture, it'll be easier next time and the time after that and so on, to retain control of the script. It's a long process, though," Peter's tones were soothing as he to talk me into something he knew I wasn't willing to do. "Well, I'll be in touch. Don't worry, plenty of other studios in the sea, okay? Just think about what I said, though. Call me, we'll do lunch next week," Peter smiled as we parted ways. I got in my car and sat there for a few moments, thinking about what Peter had said. I knew it was the truth. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't let someone else change what I'd written. If someone was going to do that, it would be me. They were my characters, my children. Besides, the script meant more to me than anything I'd ever written. It had started because of Ryan, and been continued and finished for Ryan. I drove back home slowly through the mess that was L.A. traffic. I was surprised to find Reese's car in the garage, since she wasn't supposed to be back for another day or two. "Reese?" I called out as I walked into the kitchen. "In here Seth!" "Hi, when do you get in?" I asked, kissing her cheek. She was sitting on the sofa, a bridal magazine open in her lap. "A few hours ago. I'm exhausted. Everything's ready, though. Finally," Reese rolled her eyes in exasperation. "I always thought it would be fun to plan a wedding. Shows how little I knew!" "Everythings ready? That was quick," I said, feeling a little strange all of a sudden. "Well, not really. I mean, the time's gone fast, but it's been awhile. As you can tell," Reese smiled, patting her stomach. I smiled back, realizing just how big she'd gotten. "I guess you're right. So, when is the big day?" "A week from tomorrow. It's perfect, Ryan's not shooting that day. Everything's ready, I've even got the plane tickets. It's going to be beautiful, Seth. I'll be glad when it's over, though." I nodded and smiled, feeling a little weak at the knees. A week from tomorrow. Suddenly, Ryan marrying Reese wasn't a distant future event, but a reality that was approaching rapidly. The thought made me feel queasy, despite how much I'd come to love Reese and even though I knew it would be a marriage in name only. To most of the world, Ryan and Reese would be a happily married couple, a family even, when the baby was born. To most of the world, I wouldn't fit in at all with the man that I loved. ***I hope this was worth the very long wait. Sorry that it took so long! Sends comments or suggestions to justins_boy@hotmail.com