Date: Sat, 27 Nov 1999 21:28:41 PST
From: Justin's Boy <justins_boy@hotmail.com>
Subject: Ryan's Love 18

****This story is completely fictional. It is not meant to imply
anything about the sexuality of the real Ryan Phillippe or about any
of the other people mentioned. Nor is it meant to be representative
of the relationship of the real Ryan and Reese.


     "Jordan?" I gasped after several stunned seconds of silence.
     "You're a hard man to track down, Seth," Jordan smiled. I felt the same
flutter of my heart that I always had whenever Jordan had smiled at me.
"Don't I even get a hello kiss? I haven't seen you since you left school."
     "Jordan, what are you doing here?" I asked, still in a state of shock
at seeing the man I'd once considered my soulmate standing before me after
so long a time.
     "I came to be with you, Seth. I miss you," Jordan smiled. I continued
to stare at him, my mouth hanging slightly open. His words slowly worked
their way into my mind, their implication seeping in.
     "What?" It was the only intelligible word I could muster, and even then
it sounded odd when I heard it, like it had come from someone else's mouth,
someone who was miles away.
     In fact, the whole situation had a dreamlike quality to it, and my
suddenly confused mind allowed me a moment of certainty that it was in fact
nothing more than a scenario created in my head. I wasn't really standing
there, staring at Jordan Hyde, the first guy I'd ever loved; I was really
lying in bed next to Ryan, the only man I'd love for the rest of my life.
     "Don't look so unexcited, you'll bruise my ego," Jordan laughed. I felt
a tingle race up my spine and I might as well have been back at school,
sitting in freshman psychology next to the incredibly beautiful guy it had
taken me an entire week to get up the nerve to talk to.
     "Jordan?" My head was still spinning and even though the certainty that
this was a dream had passed, it still seemed impossible that it was a
reality.
     "Yeah. What, have I changed that much? You're not sure it's me?" he was
still smiling at me, laughter in his eyes. His eyes were always laughing, I
remembered. It was one of the things that had attracted me to him in the
first place.
     "No, you look exactly the same. But what are you doing here?" I asked.
     "I just told you! I came to California in search of you, the love of my
life," Jordan grinned. I stared at him, realizing  for the first time that
he wasn't being serious.
     "Right. You came all this way just to find yourself?" I asked, raising
my eyebrows in a show of innocence and then smiling.
     "There's the Seth I remember!" Jordan laughed. "I just wanted to see
what your reaction would be. You always were the eternal romantic, I thought
the idea of me tracking you down to profess my love would please you."
     "Shocked me was more like it. I should have remembered that you're only
serious when it involves your hair. It looks great, by the way," I smiled at
the old joke between us that was based partly in truth. I'd never met anyone
who cared more about what his hair looked like than Jordan, not even in
Hollywood.
      "Thank you. I hope the rest of me passes inspection, too," Jordan
grinned, doing a quick little spin. "You look great, Seth. California must
really agree with you. Who would have thought that you'd thrive in a place
like this?"
     "Thanks. But seriously, Jordan, what's going on? Why are you here? And
why the hell did you call me in here on the pretense of an emergency? You
scared the hell out of me!"
     "Sorry, you know me. I just always had that secret passion for creating
dramatic moments buried deep inside me," Jordan grinned. "I couldn't resist
when I spotted you."
     "But what are you doing here?"
     "I was having lunch with my new agent," Jordan said with an air of
practiced aloofness.
     "Your agent? So you're acting? What happened to being a psychologist?"
     "Nothing, really. I was just sort of talked into giving this whole show
biz thing a try for awhile," Jordan explained.
     "You've certainly got the looks," I said and then felt myself blushing
a little. "Listen, I'm having lunch with a friend, so  really have to get
back to him."
     "I saw that. He's on TV, isn't he?" Jordan asked.
     "Yeah, he is. We worked together until recently."
     "Is he more than just a friend?" Jordan asked, coming a little closer
to me. It was the first movement either of us had made since my entrance
into the room.
     "No, Scott's just a friend," I told him. He smiled again and came even
closer.
     "I was hoping you'd say that. I've only been here for a week and I
don't know anyone. You have no idea how glad I was to see you!" Jordan said.
I was suddenly aware that he was wearing the same cologne he'd always used,
the scent that was Jordan as far as I was concerned, and that he was very
close to me.
     "Jordan, I'm glad to see you, too. But-"
     "I know, you've got to get back to your friend. Look, here's my number.
I'm staying in a hotel for now, until I know what's going on with this whole
acting thing. Call me tonight, okay? We've got a lot of catching up to do,"
Jordan smiled again and handed me a slip of paper.
     "Jordan-" My words were cut off when he raised his hand and brushed it
lightly against my cheek, sending an electric shock throughout my body.
     "Call me, okay?" I nodded dumbly, unable to talk, and Jordan was gone.
I stood there for a few minutes, staring into space and feeling weak in the
knees.
                                       *********************

     I drove home from the restaurant in a daze. Jordan Hyde had been my
first real love. We'd met in psychology class freshman year. Despite having
one brief relationship the summer before, I was still new to everything when
it came to guys. It had taken most of the term for me to realize that Jordan
was as interested in me as I was in him.
     Once I had, though, things had moved quickly. Jordan hadn't really been
looking for a serious relationship and I hadn't been looking for another
emotionless affair, but somehow, we'd managed to fit together, and once our
relationship had started, neither of us were interested in other people.
     We'd been very happy for awhile. After sneaking around all Freshman
year so that neither of our roommates found out the truth, we'd got our own
apartment together for our sophomore year. It hadn't been like we were
living together in the lovers' sense of the word, though. We'd each had our
own rooms to keep up the appearances of just being two friends who'd decided
to split the costs of college living.
     Slowly, though, things had started to change. I grew more and more
unhappy with my classes and the sense that I wasn't doing what I should be
doing became more prominent. Jordan, meanwhile, began to feel stifled. I
could still hear his words the day we'd ended it:
     "College is supposed to be about getting things out of your system,
Seth. It's for being wild and having fun, and doing things you won't get to
do later in life. I don't feel like I'm doing any of that. It's like we're a
married couple, it's gotten way too serious."
     "Really? And here I thought loving someone was supposed to be serious!
Or is that what you're saying? Do you not love me, is that it?" I'd asked,
tears streaming down my face, tears that I hated myself for. Why couldn't I
be as calm and collected as he was? Why did I have to come off looking like
the weepy, clinging dumpee?
     "I do love you, Seth. A lot. Maybe that's why I'm doing this, though.
We both deserve to find out what else is out there so that we know we're
right for each other. So that we don't end up resenting each other for all
that we didn't get to do!"
     There was no use in arguing further. I'd managed to find an opening in
the dorms and moved out. I'd still see him on campus constantly, and that,
coupled with the return to communal living after a taste of the freedom I'd
enjoyed in an apartment had heightened my loathing of my life at college.
     Eventually, I'd decided it just wasn't worth it any more, and I'd made
my decision to leave school for a year and try my luck in Hollywood. I'd run
into Jordan the week before I left. By that time, we'd been apart for nearly
a year. Our good bye scene, played out over steaming cups of coffee in the
campus coffee shop where we'd had our first date, had been more like that of
two casual friends than two people who'd been in love.
     Seeing Jordan so suddenly, after so long, was confusing. I wasn't sure
exactly what emotions I was feeling as I turned into our driveway.
Everything had happened so fast, and I'd never even got a chance to tell him
that I was involved. More than involved, I reminded myself, engaged. And not
just to someone, to Ryan.
     "Hello?" I called out as I went through the front door. I suddenly
wanted to see Ryan very badly.
     "Shh! Ava's sleeping," Ryan called softly from the living room, where
he was sitting on the sofa, a copy of the script for our movie open on his
lap.
     I stood there, staring at him, a smile slowly spreading across my face.
It was as if I were seeing him for the first time again. He had on a pair of
black shorts and a ratty t-shirt, his work out clothes. His curly blonde
hair was a little tousseled and I knew he'd been running his fingers through
it, probably without even realizing he was doing it, like he always did when
he was engrossed in reading a script.
     "What? Did I spill something on myself?" Ryan asked, a grin on his
face.
     "No. I just want to look at you," I replied, not taking my eyes off
him.
     "Okay. Any particular reason?" Ryan asked, still smiling.
     "A million of them," I said softly. Ryan's smile faded a little and he
looked concerned.
     "Did something happen at lunch? Is Scott having a relapse?" Ryan asked
as he put the script down on the coffee table and stood up.
     "Scott's fine," I said as Ryan reached me and wrapped his arms around
my waist.
     "So what happened? Something must have, you seem kind of out of it."
     "I guess I am. I had an unexpected encounter," I said, my eyes still
locked on Ryan's face.
     "Don't tell me you were abducted by aliens right in the middle of
lunch?" Ryan feigned shock for a second and then smiled, pulling me a little
closer.
     "Nothing like that, no. But that probably would have been less of a
surprise," I said.
     "Are you going to be cryptic all afternoon?" Ryan asked. The smile was
gone again and his eyes looked worried.
     "I'm sorry. I saw Jordan, that's all," I said as lightly as I could.
     "Jordan? I'm drawing a blank here. Refresh my memory?"
     "Jordan. From college. Remember?" I'd told Ryan about my past
relationships after he'd finally confided in me about his with Scott Wolf.
There were no secrets between the two of us now.
     "Oh," Ryan said. He let go of me and walked back over to the sofa.
"That Jordan."
     "Yeah. He's in town, trying to break in to acting, I guess," I
explained as I sat down next to him.
     "Oh," Ryan said again. I waited a few moments for him to say something
else, but he didn't.
     "Anyway, I saw him and we talked for a little while. He hasn't changed
much." Ryan just nodded and I began to worry a little.
     "Ryan? You're not mad are you?"
     "No, of course not. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to seem like I was angry
at you," Ryan said quickly, kissing me softly on the lips. "I'm just....
well, I guess jealous would be the word."
     "You shouldn't be," I said.
     "I mean, I know I don't have anything to worry about, but it's just
kind of strange knowing you've seen him again. You told me how you felt
about him, how much he meant to you-"
     "Meant! That's exactly right. Past tense. I love you, Ryan. I'll admit
that it was really strange for me, too, though. He did mean a lot to me, but
I've changed a lot since then," I said. Ryan smiled and brought his mouth to
mine again. As we kissed, I felt a sense of clarity wash over me. Jordan had
been a part of a different life. I was with the only person in the world who
was right for me.
     "So, what should we do tonight?" Ryan asked after we'd broken apart.
     "I don't know. I don't really feel like going out, though. Let's just
rent a movie and stay in," I suggested.
     "Sounds like a good idea to me," Ryan smiled, draping his arm around my
shoulder.
     "Let's get a horror movie," I said, resting my head on his own
shoulder. "That way we can cuddle up under a blanket and protect each
other."
     "I'm liking this plan more and more!" Ryan laughed. "I know just the
movie, too. It'll keep us huddled together all night."
     "We don't need a movie for that!" I smiled.
                                *******************

     "I'm glad you could make it, Seth. I don't want us to be enemies in any
way during this shoot. I know how it works out sometimes between directors
and writers. Each have their own attachment to the story and their own
vision, and it can lead to a whole lot of problems," Nina said.
     Nina Dutton was directing our movie. It was only the second picture
she'd directed and the first hadn't been much of a financial success,
although those few critics who'd bothered to see it at all had given it warm
reviews and declared Nina a promising new talent.
     "This movie means a lot to me, Nina. I know it means a lot to you, too,
though. If we both keep that in mind, we should be fine. And this is a
really good start," I said. Nina had called me and asked me to join her for
the final readings for the casting of two of the movie's minor characters.
     "Yes. I think the key to a making a successful movie is choosing the
right person for each and every part. Would you like something to drink
before we start?" Nina asked.
     "No, I'm fine," I smiled, wishing she'd hurry. I was glad to be
included in all the details of the movie, but at the same time I wanted to
get back home to Ryan. We started filming in five days and it felt as if we
were running out of time to just be alone together.
     "Send them in," Nina ordered an unseen person as she pushed the
intercom button on her desk. "We're seeing them in pairs, Seth. We've
narrowed it down to three sets."
     The parts we were casting were 'Lila' and 'Mark'. Lila was the sister
of Ryan's character and Mark was her boyfriend. The characters weren't
really onscreen much, but they were pivotal to the sequence of events in the
story.
     The first two sets of couples came and went. None of the four actors or
actresses were known to me, and judging by their resumes, they weren't known
to many other people either. The actor in the first set was completely off
in his timing, and the actress just wasn't believable to me as Ryan's
sister. I could tell that Nina wholly agreed.
     The second set, however, was far better. Not only did they have the
perfect chemistry together to be believable onscreen as lovers, but the
woman seemed nearly perfect to play Ryan's sister.
     "Good, weren't they?" Nina asked when they'd left. I nodded my
agreement. "I'm tempted not to even see the other set."
     Despite her temptation, Nina called for the final two over the
intercom. I glanced at my watch as casually as I could, not wanting to give
Nina the idea that i'd rather be somewhere else.
     "Hello, I'm Nina Dutton. This is Seth Barnes. Are you ready to begin?"
Nina asked as the door opened and then closed again. I looked up and froze
in surprise.
     Jordan was standing in front of us, with a blonde woman by his side.
Jordan was staring back at me with as much surprise in his face as I felt.
Nina didn't seem to notice our mutual recognition, though, and handed me
copies of Jordan and the girl's resumes.
     I watched in silence as Jordan and his potential co-star read through
the scene they'd been given a few times, playing it differently each time at
Nina's direction.
     "Thank you for coming, we'll be in touch," Nina smiled. Jordan met my
eyes and gave me an intense stare before following the actress out of the
room.
     "Well, what do you think? The first set is obviously out. I don't know
what the casting people were thinking," Nina sighed.
     "I agree."
     "The other two sets were both good, but I think overall that the second
set had the edge. Do you agree?" Nina asked.
     "Yes, I think so. Especially the actress, she's perfect for playing
Ryan's sister," I said, feeling a twinge of disloyalty for not pushing for
Jordan to get the part.
     "Then we're agreed! I'll get everything under way. This is a relief, I
have to say. I was worried we'd have to shoot around those scenes for awhile
if we couldn't find the right people!" Nina smiled.
     I made my departure from Nina's office as quickly as I could and headed
straight for the elevator. When the doors opened on the first floor, Jordan
was standing there, waiting.
     "Seth! I had no idea! You're really making it big out here aren't you?
I'm impressed. You're working on a movie with Ryan Phillippe and Tobey
Maguire. Have you met either of them yet?"
     "Yes, I have," I said quietly.
     "Of course you have! You're in on all the casting, right? Are you
writing for this movie?" Jordan asked.
     "Yes. I wrote the script," I said. We were standing in the lobby,
neither of us moving.
     "Really? All they gave me were the pages for the scene we read, or I
would have known! I'd love to read the whole thing," Jordan smiled.
     "Sure. Listen, I've really got to run, Jordan," I said, looking at my
watch to make my point clear.
     "You never called me the other night," Jordan said, still smiling, as
if I hadn't said anything.
     "Look, Jordan-"
     "So, tell me, what are they like? Ryan and Tobey I mean. We saw a movie
with Ryan Phillippe in it, didn't we? I don't remember which one, but it
really put us in the mood, remember? I bet he's even more amazing in
person," Jordan said.
     "Yeah. Listen, Jordan-"
     "Let's get some coffee, shall we? We've got a lot to talk about.
Imagine, if I get the part, we'll be working together!" Jordan said.
     "Listen Jordan. I'm sorry, but you didn't get the part. You're very
good, but the couple before you was just a little better," I explained,
feeling awful as I watched the expression on his face change.
     "Oh. Well, I guess that's part of being an actor. Rejection, I mean.
It's new to me," Jordan smiled, less enthusiastically than before.
     "I'm sorry. You really are talented, though," I said truthfully.
     "Thanks, Seth. Hey, just because we're not going to be working together
doesn't mean we can't have coffee, right?" Jordan asked.
     "No. But the fact that I'm involved does," I said quietly.
     "Involved?"
     "Yeah. I'm with someone, Jordan. I love him a lot and we're really
happy together."
    "That's great, Seth. I knew you probably would be, I guess. That's the
sort of thing you always wanted. I'm sorry that I couldn't give it to you
when we were together. I tried, but it just wasn't right for me, no matter
how much I care about you," Jordan said quietly. I was taken aback by his
sudden seriousness.
     "I cared about you, too, Jordan. A lot. We should have seen from the
beginning that we were too different. It's like the fish and the bird- they
can fall in love, but where do they live?" I smiled.
     "I'm glad there aren't any hard feelings, Seth. Really. I was worried
that there were when you didn't call me," Jordan smiled. "You should know,
Seth, that I loved you a lot. I still do, in fact. We've just never been at
the same level. Look, I'll see you around, okay?"
     "That means a lot, Jordan. Thank you. And good luck. I'm sure you're
going to make it big."
     "Well, I do have an audition tomorrow for a soap. Wouldn't that be
funny? Me on a soap opera!" Jordan grinned.
     "At least you'd get to work out that passion for dramatic scenes," I
smiled.
     "True!" Jordan laughed. "Take care of yourself, Seth."
     "You too, Jordan." I watched him walk away and felt nothing. No twinge
of regret, no nostalgia for the past. It was over.

                                     ************************

     "Let's go out tonight," I said as I walked through the door. Ryan and
Reese were sitting on the sofa, each absorbed in reading a different script.
     "Where to?" Ryan asked.
     "I don't know. A club. I just want to have a good time," I smiled,
feeling wonderful.
     "What about Reese? It's not fair to leave her saddled with the baby
while we go out and have a good time," Ryan pointed out.
     "Don't worry about it, Ryan. I'm fine. I don't even want to go out
tonight. I'm really into this script. I think I'm going to do this picture,"
Reese said.
     "Are you sure Reese? We could probably get a babysitter," I said.
     "I'm positive! You two go, have fun," Reese smiled.
     "We owe you one, Ree," Ryan smiled, kissing the top of her head. We got
dressed for a night out quickly and soon found ourselves arriving at a dance
club on the other side of town. We made a quiet entrance and quickly found a
table off to one side, where we ordered our drinks.
     "I wish we could dance with each other," Ryan sighed as we watched the
people on the dance floor move in time with the loud music.
     "I'm sorry. I guess this wasn't the best idea. I was just in the mood
to come out and have some fun," I said.
     "Too bad we can't go to a gay club," Ryan smiled.
     "You'd be recognized within two seconds!" I laughed.
     "You're in a really great mood. I take it the casting went well?" Ryan
asked.
     "Yeah. You'll never guess who auditioned, though!"
     "Um... Pauly Shore?" Ryan grinned.
     "No. Jordan Hyde," I said.
     "Oh," Ryan was clearly not sure what to say.
     "He's not bad, but he wasn't what we were looking for. And I mean that
in every sense," I smiled, taking his hand. Ryan smiled again and, looking
around quickly to make sure we weren't being observed, leaned in for a quick
kiss.
     "I love you," he whispered.
     "I love you, too," I smiled back at him.
     "Well, hello! I haven't seen you two for awhile!" Ryan and I both
looked up and found Scott Wolf standing near out table
     "We were hoping it would be never again, Scott," Ryan said coldly.
     "Oh, come on. Are you still mad that i was giving your little boyfriend
a hard time?" Scott grinned.
     "You're a very sad person, Scott," I said. "Could you please leave us
alone?"
     "Sure thing. No reason to be rude, lover boy. I just wanted to say hi
to some old friends. I'm here with someone anyway. He's actually an old
friend of yours, Seth," Scott said smugly.
     I glanced at Ryan and felt a feeling of disbelief. An old friend?
Suddenly, an image of Jordan flashed in my mind. Was it possible that Scott
Wolf had already managed to meet Jordan and make a move on him?
     Well, if that were the case, it was none of my concern. Jordan was just
the type of guy who should be with Scott- someone who didn't want anything
long term.
     "I don't really care who you're with, Scott," I said.
     "Oh, come on! You're dying with curiosity! You want to know which of
your lucky friends ended up with the prize you turned down," Scott smiled.
     "Get lost, Scott," Ryan said. His voice was dangerously calm.
     "Seth! Ryan! I didn't expect to see you guys here!" I turned with
amazement as Scott Foley joined us. I watched in horror as Scott Wolf
grinned and draped his arm around Scott's shoulder, his eyes on my face as
he did so.

   *****I've reached a point in the stories where I'm facing a real dilemma.
Ryan & Seth's relationship is now strong enough where there are really no
serious crises to be faced between them, which is a wonderful thing. But, as
far as writing the stories go, that leaves most of the drama to be centered
around things like the making of the movie and the lives of Ryan & Seth's
friends. So, I have a question for anyone who reads the story- is it time to
end it? I feel that I could go on for a long time still, but I worry that it
would get dull without the sort of conflict that these stories usually
thrive on. Are Ryan & Seth just too happy to be continued? Write to
justins_boy@hotmail.com or justinsboy@yahoo.com