Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 21:36:47 PST From: Justin's Boy Subject: Ryan's Love 5 ***This is a work of fiction. It's not meant to imply anything about the actual sexuality of Ryan Phillippe or anyone else mentioned. Ryan's soft lips brushed against mine. I smiled, looking into his deep crystal blue eyes. I started to reach my hand up, to run my fingers through his curly blonde hair- The telephone rang, instantly jolting me out of my dream. I was alone in my own bed and Ryan was all the way across the continent, in New York. I sighed, reaching for the phone. "Hello?" I asked groggily. "Don't tell me you were still asleep?" Ryan's voice sounded in my ear, filled with amusement. Every nerve in my body suddenly tingled, just from hearing his voice. He'd already been gone for two weeks, and they'd been the longest, emptiest two weeks of my life. "What time is it?" I asked, stifling a yawn. "It's one o'clock here, so I guess it's 10 there. Should I be jealous that you're still in bed at this hour?" Ryan asked. I could just picture his eyes sparkling with humor. "Only if your jealous of a few pillows. That's about all the company I have," I yawned again. "I didn't get home until early this morning." "Okay, what's his name? I'm putting a hit out on him," Ryan laughed. I smiled, my eyes closed. I could picture every detail of Ryan's face as he talked. "His name if Felicity," I sighed. "Yeah. You guys taped yesterday, didn't you?" Ryan asked. I nodded, as if he could see me. It really felt like he was right there with me, lying next to me in bed. "Yes. It was a long day. Half the scenes had to be rewritten because the actor they'd hired to guest this week showed up with a cast on his leg," I sighed again, recalling the tedious day that had seemed like it would never end. "But what about you? How's the movie going?" I asked. "Well...... it's going," Ryan sighed. "That good, huh?" "Reese and I aren't exactly the perfect team these days. It might work better if the plot called for her to torture and kill me, that she could do very well. But love isn't an easy emotion for us to play at the moment," Ryan said. He'd already filled me in on how he'd broken the news to Reese, right after arriving in New York, that he couldn't be involved with her any more. "I'm sorry. I feel like it's all my fault," I said, a pang of guilt attacking me. "Hey, don't you worry about it. It had to end sooner or later. I just think maybe I should have waited until the movie was in the can," Ryan said. "I know. But I think it's for the best. Now she can move on and find someone who can truly love her. And you and I....." I let my voice drift off with a happy sigh. "Yeah. You and I can talk on the phone," Ryan said, sounding frustrated. "Tell me about it. But it's only six more weeks. That's what I keep telling myself," I sighed again, this time sadly. "I'm going crazy, Seth. I miss you so much. I just want to hold you, kiss you, do all sorts of naughty things to you," Ryan said softly. "Mmmmmmm.... that sounds like Heaven. How are we going to survive six more weeks apart? I feel like you've already been gone for years," I groaned. "Me too. Can't you get some time off, maybe just a weekend, and fly out here?" Ryan asked. For a moment I smiled, letting myself imagine I was there with him. "I don't think so. I'm still the new kid on the block around here. Heavy emphasis on Kid, by the way. It's going to take a lot of hard work before anyone will really take me seriously, just because I'm so young. I can't afford to take time off," I said. "I wish I could get away. They have us so heavily scheduled, though. I might be able to get a weekend off towards the end of the shoot. If I don't explode first," Ryan moaned. "That would make for a great Enquirer cover story, huh? Hunky actor explodes from pent up lust," I laughed. "Hey, it's not so funny from my point of view. I'm the hunky actor, remember?" Ryan chuckled. Then I could hear voices in the background and Ryan sighed again. "Seth, I have to go already. They're ready for the next scene. I'll call you later tonight, okay? Around nine o'clock, I guess. I miss you," he said softly. "I miss you, too. I love you," I said. "Me too. Talk to you later," Ryan said. I could tell by the low level of his voice that someone was listening to him talk from his end. "All right. Good bye," I said. I hung up the phone and stared at the ceiling. Ryan had only been in my life for a matter of days before he'd had to leave, but it felt like he'd been a part of my very soul forever. I got out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom. A nice long shower finally woke me up all the way. I slipped on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and looked at myself in the mirror. There were dark bags under my eyes, but the rest of the face that stared back at me seemed composed and youthful. Too youthful, I silently criticized. Twenty minutes later I was in my car, heading for the gym. When I'd first moved to L.A. I'd been amazed at the number of stars who worked out in gyms right along with the public. It seemed to me they'd want some privacy and could easily afford personal trainers. It didn't take long before I realized that they were there to be seen and admired. The ego of the average star was a very fragile thing that needed constant reinforcement. It took only a brief moment for my eyes to sweep across the gym in the very-Hollywood act of seeing which of the other gym goers were SOMEBODY. Surprisingly, the only star in sight was one of the Baywatch hunks. I began to workout furiously, trying to burn off the frustration and sexual tension that was building up inside of me. The need to just see Ryan, to run my hands through his hair, to kiss his lips, was almost overwhelming. "Trying to be the next Schwarzenegger?" a familiar voice asked from behind me after I'd been working out for over an hour. I glanced up at the mirrored wall and saw Scott Foley standing behind me. "No. Just trying to keep in shape. I have to compete with all of you actors, you know," I smiled. Scott laughed. He was wearing a t-shirt and shorts and carrying a gym bag. "Good work yesterday," I said. A lot of the scenes that had been affected by the last minute re-writes had featured Scott. "Ugh, don't remind me. I didn't think we'd ever finish," Scott groaned, putting down his bag and getting on the machine beside mine. We worked out in silence for another ten minutes and then I got up and grabbed the bottle of water from my own gym bag. "Whew. I think that's enough for one day," I said, stretching. Scott stopped, too, and stood up. "I hate gyms," he sighed. "Why?" "Well, probably because I hate working out. If I didn't come to the gym, though, I'd never do it at home. Too many distractions. Damn, I should have become an accountant or something. Then I wouldn't have to worry about doing scenes with my shirt off," he laughed. I smiled, unconsciously letting my eyes flick down and take in Scott's physique. "Have fun. I'll see you around at the studio," I smiled, picking up my bag. "Okay. See you," Scott said. He got back on the machine and I made my way into the men's showers. There were one or two guys in the locker room, but the showers themselves were empty. I turned on the water and let it soak into my body, which was already starting to feel sore. I guess I overdid it a little, I thought. For some reason, an image of Ryan in his home gym, shirtless and sweating as he danced around the punching bag, popped into my head. I tried to banish it, but it was too late. I felt a familiar stirring in my loins. I glanced around quickly, but the showers were still empty. I began to hurry, trying to get the soap off of my body. I was just ready to turn off the water and make a dash for my towel to cover myself before anyone saw me when I heard someone come into the showers whistling. I groaned inwardly, keeping my back towards the entrance. I tried to think of the most unpleasant, disgusting thoughts imaginable, but no matter what I thought of, Ryan's perfect image came along with it and I couldn't get rid of my hard on. I casually glanced over my shoulder towards the sound of the whistling. I felt an even bigger surge of panic when I saw Scott standing under the water, his eyes closed. It was bad enough that I had a hard on, but if Scott were to see it, he might think it was because of him and get the wrong idea. That would certainly make things awkward around the studio. He'd been okay with the fact that I was gay, so far, but if he thought I had designs on him it might bother him. His eyes were still closed. Maybe if I made a quick dash for the entrance I could get through without him seeing me. I slowly turned off the water, afraid to make a noise. Then, trying to act casual in case he did open his eyes, I began to make my way to the gap in the shower wall that led into the locker room. It was hardly a long walk, but it seemed to take an eternity. I was almost there when I felt something soft and slimy under my left foot. In the next instant, my feet were flying out in front of me and I was falling backwards. For a few moments I laid there, staring up at the shower ceiling. The back of my head ached, but I didn't notice any pain elsewhere on my body. Then, Scott's worried face came into view above me. I stared back at it, wondering if there was any possible way this could all turn out to be a bad dream. "Seth? Are you okay? Seth?" Scott asked, looking worried. I slowly struggled to sit up and Scott leant down and put a hand on my back to help me. "Are you okay?" he asked again. I nodded my head, then regretted doing so as a throbbing pain began to pulse inside my brain. For a moment, I sat there, Scott standing behind me. Maybe I was a little dazed, because at first I didn't realize I was still naked. Slowly it began to dawn on me, though, that not only was I naked, but I was still more than semi erect. Blushing furiously, I stood up. I turned around to thank Scott, but caught sight of his own nude body. He still had soap lathered on his chest, matting down the light tuft of hair at it's center. I realized I was staring, and blushed even an even deeper shade of red. Scott was looking embarrassed, too, and it was obvious he didn't know where to look. His eyes danced around the showers, up at the ceiling, down at the floor, towards me, then away quickly. "Thanks, Scott. I'm fine. Just clumsy. I'll see you later," I said quickly and exited the shower. Grabbing my towel I dried myself off and quickly pulled on some fresh clothes. Stupid. Idiot. Dumbass. Clumsy. Freak. The words ran through my mind as I banged my head lightly against the locker. Things were definitely going to be awkward with Scott after that little display. I drove back to my apartment, still blushing. I relived the humiliating moment at least a dozen times in the short drive. My mind was diverted, however, the moment I got off the elevator on my floor. Ashley was standing there, waiting to go back down to the lobby. "SETH! Where have you BEEN? I haven't seen you in WEEKS!" she practically shouted. She grabbed my by the arm and pulled me out of the elevator and down towards my apartment. "I just left you a note on your door! But now we can have a nice long talk!" she declared as I unlocked my door. We stepped inside and Ashley turned around, crossing her arms and staring me straight in the face. "Okay, SPILL. Who is he?" she asked, smiling. I couldn't help but smile back as I shook my head. "Ashley, what makes you think there's a he in my life?" I innocently questioned. "Oh, come on! I haven't heard from you since the last time we went to a club. I left you there, talking very intensely to some hottie, and you never even COMPLAINED about it. If you hadn't met someone, you would have let me have it for ditching you!" Ashley declared triumphantly. "Now, who is HE?" I smiled, knowing that I couldn't escape from her questions. "Okay, Ashley. Yes. I did meet a man that night. A wonderful, beautiful man," I sighed, smiling. "AND?" "And what? We're seeing each other. But he's out of town at the moment," I said, shrugging as if it were all no big deal. "You're seeing each other? How serious is it?" Ashley asked. "Pretty serious," I admitted, smiling that goofy lovesick smile that I often felt crossing my face when I thought of Ryan. "OH! That's so great, Seth! What's his name?" Ashley practically jumped up and down with excitement. I hesitated. Ryan and I had decided to pursue a serious relationship and he'd decided to end the charade with Reese, but he still had to remain very much in the closet, for the sake of his career. "Ryan, that's so Eisenhower administration. It's 1999, for God's sake. How is being gay going to hurt your career? Does it make you any less attractive? Are all the girls who think you're sexy going to suddenly find you ugly? I don't think so!" I'd said. We'd been laying in my bed, entwined in each others arms after our make up, the afternoon before he left. Ryan had sighed and explained that his managers and agent had made it clear that coming out would affect the sort of roles he would get. I thought it was all ridiculous, but had agreed to keep things quiet, for his sake. "It's Ryan," I said. It was a common enough name, I reflected. Ashley nodded and raised her eyebrows with expectation. "Well, does Ryan have a last name, or is he like Madonna and Cher?" she asked when I said no more. "Crane," I said, saying the first name that came to mind. Crane. That was stupid, Scott Foley's character on the show was Noel Crane. Would Ashley pick up on that fact? I waited a little nervously. "Ryan Crane. Sounds sexy," she smiled. Ashley insisted that I tell her all about Ryan, and I told her what I could without giving anything away. "So, since Ryan's out of town, let's hit a club tonight," she said after we'd been talking for awhile. "Oh, I don't really feel like going out, Ash. It wouldn't be much fun for me," I said. For once, Ashley took no for an answer. I promised to call her in a few days and we said our good byes. I spent the rest of the afternoon doing all the little odds and ends we never have time to do until we have a day off. Ryan called at six o'clock, nine his time, but it was only to tell me that he couldn't talk after all. He had to go to a party the producers were throwing. "I'd much rather talk to you, babe. But you know how it is," Ryan sighed. "Yeah. It's okay. Just don't have too much fun," I said. "Without you here, it's not possible to have any fun. I love you," Ryan said. I smiled, my heart once again filling with emotions. "I love you, too." I said softly. Another hour passed. I flicked through the television restlessly. You'd think with seventy channels there would be at least one show on that could hold a person's interest, I reflected sourly. Around seven o'clock, the phone rang again. For an instant, I thought it might be Ryan, but then I knew it wasn't. He was at a party in New York, having (not too much) fun. "Hello?" I answered. "Seth? It's AJ," a woman's voice replied. "Hey AJ! What's up?" I asked. AJ was the nickname of Amy Jo Johnson, the actress who played Julie on the show. We'd hung out a few times at the studio and had developed an at-work friendship that so far hadn't translated over into our personal lives. "I am so bored tonight. I was wondering if you wanted to do something? Just rent some videos and hang out?" AJ asked. "You know, I'm going out of my mind with boredom. That sounds like a great plan. My place or yours?" I asked. "How about if I get the videos and meet you over there?" AJ asked. I said that sounded great and gave her the directions. "What should I rent? Any preferences?" she asked. "No, you choose. I have complete faith in your good taste," I laughed. "Okay. I'll see you soon," AJ hung up. I quickly tided up the apartment and dug through the cupboards looking for popcorn. I'd finished off the last of the microwave kind the week before while sitting morosely in front of the TV missing Ryan, so I dug out an old bag of kernels and the dusty pop corn popper that I'd gotten in college. The last of the kernels were just finishing popping when the doorbell rang. I answered with a smile, which quickly froze. AJ was standing there, smiling, with Scott Foley standing behind her in the hall. "Come in," I said. I was careful not to make eye contact with Scott and I felt myself blushing a little as I again replayed the mortifying shower scene in my head. "Thanks. I hope you don't mind that I included Scott. He called just as I was on my way out, so I invited him," AJ explained. "No, not at all. You guys make yourselves comfortable. I'm just going to grab the popcorn from the kitchen," I smiled, still not looking directly at Scott. When I returned with the popcorn, Amy Jo was sitting cross legged on one side of the sofa and Scott had chosen the arm chair next to her. I sat the popcorn down on the coffee table between them and sat in the middle of the sofa next to AJ. "So, what movies did you get?" I asked. AJ pulled a plastic bag up from the floor and took out three video tapes. "Well, I couldn't decide on any one movie. So, I got this, which is supposed to be really good," she said, handing me 'Love and Death on Long Island.' "It's a more serious movie, of course. But hey, Jason Priestly's a hottie, right?" AJ grinned. Then she handed me the second tape. "Or, we could go with a comedy, so I got this." I looked down at choice two, 'There's Something About Mary.' "Or, if we want to go with a more serious, but not Oscar Contender serious, type movie, I got this," AJ concluded, handing me choice three. I couldn't help but smile when I realized it was '54', one of Ryan's movies. "Choices, choices," I smiled. "Any one of them is fine with me. I've already seen 'There's Something About Mary,' though," I said. "Okay. Let's watch '54' then. I'm not in the mood for a heavy movie that makes you think, even if it has Jason Priestly in it. Besides, '54' has Ryan Phillippe. Now there's a hottie," AJ concluded. Scott said '54' was fine with him and I slipped the movie in the VCR. For over an hour, I sat in my living room with AJ and Scott, staring at Ryan's beautiful face. AJ whistled a few times during his more risque scenes and I smiled at her each time, feeling a little elated. Ryan was all mine, even though I couldn't tell anyone. When the movie ended, it was still early. AJ stood up and stretched. "Let's watch another. Do you think you could sit through 'There's Something About Mary' a second time?" she asked. "Oh, I think I can survive a second viewing," I smiled. "Okay. Where's the bathroom? I want to use it before we put we start the movie," AJ said. I told her it was just around the corner, first door on the left. Once she was gone, Scott and I sat in an awkward silence that grew longer and longer. Finally, I couldn't bear it any more. "So, what did you think of '54'?" I asked. "It was good," Scott said. We sat in silence for a few more seconds. This is just great, I thought. From now on, things are always going to be this tense between us. I had to do something. "Scott, listen. About this afternoon," I started. Then, my mind just blanked. I couldn't thing of a thing to say. I blushed and sat there, my mouth open, trying to form a sentence that would ease the situation. "Seth, don't worry about it. It's no big deal. I was just surprised, that's all. I didn't....." Scott let his voice trail off as I felt my face catch fire. I knew I must be a deeper shade of red than I'd ever been before. "I didn't think you were attracted to me," Scott finished. For a moment, I sat there, stunned. I wasn't quite sure how to take that. I was just opening my mouth to reply when AJ returned and the subject was dropped as we put the movie on. "Well, I'm beat," AJ said when the movie ended. "This was fun. It's nice to just sit around and be a normal person," she smiled. "Welcome to my world," I laughed. AJ smiled and kissed me on the cheek. "I'll see you guys later," she said, making her way to the door. I was a little surprised that Scott didn't immediately follow, but then I realized that they would have arrived in separate cars. "I should go, too," Scott said once AJ was gone. He started to put on his coat. "Scott, listen. About what you said. Of course I'm attracted to you, you're a good looking guy. But that doesn't mean-" Scott suddenly stepped forward and lightly kissed my lips, stopping me from finishing my sentence. "What the hell?" I blurted out, truly shocked. "It's okay, Seth. I have difficulty with telling people that I'm gay. I don't know, I guess it's just one of my insecurities. I can't stand the thought of being rejected. But now that I know you're attracted to me, too......" Scott let his voice trail off and smiled, looking me in the eyes. "Well, I wanted to kiss you so badly all through the movies," he grinned. My heart was pounding. This couldn't be happening, my mind screamed. Scott thought I was interested in him. He'd kissed me! Ryan. Ryan's grin flashed through my mind. "Scott. I'm not sure what to say. I'm really flattered. You're a great guy. But I'm....." I stopped, looking at his face which suddenly looked uncertain. "Scott, I'm involved with someone," I finished. Scott looked stricken. He blushed and looked everywhere but at my face. "Oh. I didn't...... It's just, you've been acting kind of sad lately, so I thought it hadn't worked out. You know, with the guy on your machine. And then, in the shower today....well, you know. I'm sorry," he stuttered. "Scott, there's no need to apologize. I can understand how you got the idea. But I'm in love with someone else. I'm sorry. If you'd kissed me three weeks ago, I'd have been over the moon," I smiled, trying to lighten the situation. "I always hesitate too long," Scott sighed. He finally looked me in the eye again and smiled. "Well, I should go then." "Okay. I'll see you at the studio," I said, moving forward to open the door for him. Scott deftly grabbed me and pulled me into a passionate kiss. This was no light peck on the lips. His tongue danced around my mouth and his hands ran up and down my back. I stood there, motionless, my mind reeling. "Sorry," Scott said breathlessly, pulling away. "I just had to." He opened the door and made a hasty exit. I stood there in the entry hall for what seemed an eternity, not certain if what had just happened was real, or a crazy dream. The phone rang. I picked it up slowly, still in a daze. "Hello?" "Hi babe. It's me. I had to hear your voice again," Ryan said. "So, what did you do tonight?" *****To Be Continued Please send any comments or suggestions to justins_boy@hotmail.com Thanks!