Date: Tue, 02 Mar 1999 11:34:06 PST From: Justin's Boy Subject: Ryan's Love 6 *****This story is a work of fiction. It is not meant to imply anything about the actual sexuality of Ryan Phillippe or anyone else mentioned. "Seth are you okay?" AJ asked, her voice filled with concern. We were going over some of her lines for that week's script in her dressing room. "Yeah, AJ. I'm fine. Why?" I asked, though I already knew what her answer would be. "You look tired. Like you haven't slept in days. Are you sure everything is okay?" AJ put a hand on my shoulder, her eyes still filled with worry. Everything was far from fine, but I couldn't tell her that. AJ was proving to be a good friend, but we weren't exactly confidants yet. Besides, I couldn't tell her what was going on without revealing to her that Scott Foley was gay, which was certainly not something I could do. It had only been four days since Scott had kissed me. Only four. But four days can be a very long time when your conscience won't allow you to sleep. It wasn't so much the kiss itself that was bothering me as the fact that I hadn't told Ryan. I felt like i'd cheated on him, even though the kiss hadn't been my doing. If i'd only told him that night when he called, it wouldn't have mattered that much. But I just hadn't been able to bring myself to say the words. Now, it was too late. By not saying something right away, I'd made it into something even more than it had been. Then, there was Scott. I wasn't sure if he was avoiding me or I was avoiding him, but i'd only had a few fleeting glimpses of him around the studio since he'd kissed me. Everything hung in the air, unresolved, and I was a guilt ridden, nervous wreck. "I'm fine, AJ. I've had a bit of insomnia lately, but it's no big deal," I lied. AJ looked at me curiously, tilting her head to the side a little. For a moment, it almost looked as if she was attempting to read my mind. "You can tell me anything, Seth. I hope you know that. I mean, I know we haven't know each other all that long, or anything. But I do consider you a friend," she said earnestly. I smiled. AJ was by far the sweetest, most 'real' actress I'd met in L.A. She had no pretensions about who she was or what she wanted out of life. She was as ambitious as any actress, but she'd never developed the condescending above-all-others attitude that so many men and women did in the business. "AJ, I consider you a friend, too. But there are some things that just have to stay private," I said. I turned my attention back to the script, hoping to divert hers as well. "Seth, I think you should know that I'm totally okay with you being gay. If you're having some kind of relationship problem or something, you don't have to keep it private if you need someone to talk to. I'm here, that's all I'm trying to say," AJ said. I remained silent, my eyes on the script. AJ and I had never talked about the fact that I was gay. I'd assumed at first that everyone just knew, but after I'd found out that Scott hadn't, I'd begun to assume the opposite. "Thank you, AJ. It's nice to know I have a friend like you," I said, looking up into her eyes. She still looked a little worried. I sighed, wondering if I should tell her. Not everything, of course. I couldn't out Scott, or Ryan for that matter. But still, maybe if I did confide in someone else, I'd feel better. "So, you knew I was gay?" I asked, partly to put off talking about my problems and partly out of curiosity. "Yeah. I mean, I was pretty sure. A girl can tell these things most of the time, you know," AJ smiled. For a minute, a picture of Reese popped into my head. Did she know, deep down, that Ryan was gay? Had she played along for her own reasons with their charade, or had she honestly been in love with him and thought the feeling was mutual? "Well, I never exactly tried to hide it or anything. But, anyway we should get back to the script," I said, trying to change the subject. "Okay. But I hope you'll talk to me if you ever need advice, or just a shoulder to cry on. Believe me, I won't hesitate to do the same if I need to," AJ smiled. I nodded, feeling almost happy for the first time in four days. It was a wonderful feeling, to know you had friends who were so supportive. "AJ? Do you-" Scott Foley, after a brief rap on the door, had popped his head into the room. Upon seeing me, he froze. For a moment, there was an awkward silence. "Umm, sorry, didn't know you were busy," Scott said. He started to close the door. "No, Scott, it's okay. Come in," AJ called out. For a moment it looked like he'd close the door anyway, but then he opened it back up and came in. "I just wanted to know if you were up to grabbing some lunch with me, that's all. It's no big deal," he said. Scott kept his eyes focused on AJ and I kept mine focused on the script in my hand. "That sounds great. Come on Seth, join us," AJ said, standing up. "No!" Scott and I both said at the same time. We looked at each other and he blushed, as I felt my own face turning red. "I have too much to do, but thanks, AJ. You and Scott go," I said quickly, trying to save face. AJ stood there, slowly looking from me to Scott and back again. "Actually, Scott, maybe it's not such a good idea. Seth was helping me go over these lines and I should get them memorized. Maybe tomorrow, okay?" AJ asked. Scott nodded, still blushing, and left the room as quickly as possible. "AJ, Scott could have helped you with these lines just as easily as I can. He'd probably be better at it anyway, since he's an actor," I said, stalling for time. I could tell from the way that AJ was staring at me that she had seen the tension between Scott and I. Hell, she would have had to be blind not to have seen it. "Seth. What's going on? Don't give me that insomnia crap, either. Did something happen between you and Scott? The other night after I left?" AJ asked, sitting back down. She looked much more worried now than she had earlier. "Scott and I? AJ, don't be ridiculous. I don't think I'm exactly Scott's type," I laughed, miserably trying to play the whole thing off as a joke. "Seth, come on! I told you, women can tell these things most of the time. There is a certain way that straight men look at a woman, a certain hint of something in their eyes. Scott doesn't have that and neither do you," she said. "AJ, that's ridiculous," I said again. Then, I sighed. I could tell it was no use continuing the charade. "Okay, AJ. Listen, nothing happened between Scott and I. Nothing serious, anyway. I'm in love with someone. Really in love," I smiled, thinking of Ryan. "And?" AJ asked. "And, Scott kissed me. That's it, there's nothing more to tell. But now things are awkward between us and I feel so guilty about not telling Ryan about it," I sighed. "Ryan's your boyfriend?" AJ asked. I smiled a little, hearing those words spoken by someone for the first time. "Yeah, he is. I love him, AJ. I love him so much. And I feel like I betrayed him," I sighed, guilt overwhelming me again. "Do you have any feelings for Scott at all?" AJ asked. "No. Well, friendship. I like him a lot, but that's all," I said. "Okay. Then it's simple. Go find Scott and tell him that. Make sure he understands that there isn't any reason for you two to feel awkward around each other. But make sure he also understands that there can't be anything between you. Then, you have to tell Ryan everything," AJ said. "It sounds so simple, AJ. But it's not. I've tried to tell Ryan every time he's called, but-" "No, you have to tell him in person. So he can look into your eyes and know that it meant nothing to you," AJ interrupted me. "He's out of town on business for a few months. Over the phone is the only way I can tell him, but I just can't-" "Okay, look. Go find Scott. Right now. Get this thing straightened up between the two of you. Then we'll worry about Ryan later on, okay?" AJ interrupted a second time. I nodded again, feeling almost foolish. It was obviously what I should have done in the first place. Somehow, though, it had seemed impossible and too embarrassing a scene to contemplate until AJ had gotten involved. "Thanks, AJ. Sometimes I guess I just need a friend to point out things that should be obvious," I smiled. "We all do. Go on," AJ smiled back. ********** I found Scott in the studio cafeteria, sitting alone at a corner table picking at a sandwich and flipping through a copy of People Magazine. I walked over to him, my heart pounding. I wasn't exactly sure what to say. Scott looked up just as I reached his table. First shock, then embarrassment crossed his face, but both were replaced by a look that could only be called hope when I sat down across from him. "Scott, we really need to talk. About the other night," I said slowly. Scott nodded, glancing around the crowded cafeteria. "Okay. Um.....let's go to my dressing room. We'll have privacy there," he said. I nodded in agreement and followed him out of the cafeteria and back onto the set. "Have a seat," Scott said, once we'd reached his dressing room. I sat down in an armchair and Scott sat on the sofa across from me. We sat there in silence for a moment, and then I cleared my throat and looked directly into his eyes. "Scott, I've been pretty upset over what happened. I've come to really like you as a friend since I started working here, and I don't want that to change. I hate how things have been the past few days. But I need you to know that I'm in love with someone else," I said. Scott nodded his head, looking back into my eyes. "Not just dating someone else, but really in love with him. I think you're a great guy, Scott. You're very good looking, you're funny, you're intelligent. You're a damn good actor, too. But I just don't have those kind of feelings for you," I finished. Scott continued to nod his head slowly. Finally, he broke eye contact and looked down at the table between us. "I'm sorry. You told me all of that the other night. I shouldn't have kissed you the second time. It's just-" Scott stopped, his voice breaking slightly. I waited, tears beginning to sting at my own eyes. I felt terrible about the whole situation. If only I hand't given Scott the wrong idea! "It's just that I thought for once someone might want me as much as I wanted them," Scott said. A tear began to slowly roll down his cheek. "Oh, Scott. Come on. There must be hundreds of guys out there who've had feelings for you. Or who will have," I said softly. Scott shook his head, more tears beginning to stream down his face. "You don't understand, Seth. You're the first person I've ever told I was gay," he said, still looking down at the floor. "What?" I asked, truly stunned. "I couldn't accept it, Seth. Not for a long time. I've denied it my entire life by dating as many women as I could. I told you I had a hard time telling people because I was scared of getting rejected. Well, that's true. So, I've never told anyone. Not until you," he said. I stood up and went over to the sofa, where I sat beside him and put an arm around his shoulder while he continued to cry. Tears were rolling down my own face by now, too. "Scott, I didn't know. Listen, you don't have anything to be ashamed of, okay? You've told me that you were gay. The first person is always the hardest to tell. You're such a great guy, Scott. If you'd just open yourself up, you'd find love so very easily," I said, gently hugging him. Scott nodded and turned to look me in the face again. "Thanks. I think you actually mean that," he smiled, his face still wet from tears. "I do. Scott, your an amazing guy," I said. "Yeah. An amazing guy who acted like a jerk," he sighed, shaking his head. "I'm really sorry, Seth. But I just couldn't stop myself. I waited so long to tell someone. I always imagined that when I found the person I could trust enough to tell, when I found the person I thought was right for me, it would be this romantic scene right out of a movie. I guess kissing you was just a way of justifying to myself that it hadn't all been a mistake." "It wasn't. Telling me how you felt, I mean," I smiled. Scott smiled back. "Whoever this guy is, he's very lucky, Seth. I hope he knows that." "Thank you. Are we okay now, Scott? We're not going to continue to avoid each other, are we?" I asked. "We're fine, Seth. I.....um.....I still have feelings for you. But I can accept that you're with someone else and deal with them. I want us to still be friends," Scott said. I hugged Scott and stood up. We both looked terrible, our faces streaked with tears. "Come on, lets get something to eat now. I'm suddenly starving," I said. *********** The rest of the day at the studio was mostly uneventful. By the time I arrived back at my apartment, I was planning out what to tell Ryan when he called that night. I just hoped he'd believe me and not be too angry that I'd taken so long to tell him. I'd only been home half an hour when the doorbell rang. I was surprised to see AJ standing there, grinning from ear to ear. "I am your fairy godmother," she declared, walking past me into my apartment. "What?" I asked, as I closed the door. "Your fairy godmother. The one who grants all your wishes and makes everything all right in the end," AJ continued to grin. "What are you talking about?" I asked, confused. "No time for questions. Just tell me where Ryan is and then start packing," she smiled. "Ryan? AJ, what have you done?" I asked. "Come on, we don't have much time. I'll explain, but you have to start packing. And tell me where Ryan is so I can finalize the arrangements." "He's in New York. Now what arrangements are you talking about?" I asked again. "I told you. I'm making everything right. You're going to New York to be with Ryan and tell him in person about Scott. Now hurry up!" AJ moved over to the phone and started to dial. I continued to stare at her, amazed and in disbelief, as she called LAX and, after telling them her name, told them that she'd decided on New York. "COME ON! Get packing. You have the next three days off. I arranged everything," she said, pushing me along into my bedroom. "AJ, what did you tell them?" I asked, both elated at the prospect of seeing Ryan again and worried about my job. "I told them that I wanted you to have time off as a personal favor to me. And that you weren't well and needed a few days, but were too devoted to the show to ever ask for it yourself. But don't worry about any of that! I've got a seat waiting for you on the next flight to New York and a car waiting downstairs to get us to the airport. Let's hurry!" ************* It seemed like I hadn't even had time to blink since the moment I'd opened my door and found AJ standing there. It was quite late in New York when my flight landed. I knew that Ryan had been given an apartment to live in during his two months in New York, and I had the address, which I gave to the taxi driver. When we pulled up in front of the apartment building, I knew that I wasn't going to be able to just surprise Ryan by showing up at his doorstep. I had to ring to get into the lobby and the door was opened by an elderly door man, who politely inquired as to whom I wished to see. "Ryan Phillippe," I said. I wondered what the door man would think of a strange guy showing up to see Ryan at three a.m. I felt a pang of doubt that it might lead to gossip that could hurt Ryan's career. "No one here by that name, sorry," The door man said. For a moment, I felt panicked. I'd come all the way to New York, and I didn't have the right address! Then I recalled that Ryan had moved in under an assumed name to try and have some privacy from fans and the press who might otherwise stake out the building. "Oh, I'm sorry. I meant Doug Newman. Don't know where my head is," I smiled, using the assumed name. "Can I have your name, please? And will Mr. Newman know what this is regarding?" The door man asked politely. I felt another pang of doubt. I'd heard plenty of stories about how tabloids had informants everywhere. What if this kindly door man was one of them? I didn't want to hurt Ryan's career. I thought for a moment, then smiled. "It's Ryan Crane. Tell him it's regarding the script he inquired about and that it's rather urgent that I see him tonight," I said. I'd told Ryan about the conversation I'd had with Ashley. I hoped that he'd recall it when he heard the name. Otherwise, my attempt to pretend I was seeing Ryan on urgent business matters would fail miserably and I'd have to give my real name. All of which I could suddenly see splashed across the tabloids. The door man picked up the telephone on his desk, dialed, and began to speak inaudibly into the receiver. I waited, holding my breath. It seemed as though he were moving in slow motion as he put down the phone. "Okay, Mr. Crane. Take the elevator up to the twelfth floor and turn right. Mr. Newman's apartment is number 1229," he smiled. I felt relief was over me as I thanked him and made my way to the elevator. The elevator seemed to inch it's way up as I waited, both nervous about what I had to tell Ryan, and ecstatic to see him again. It still hadn't quite sunk in that I was really in New York and that I had three days, longer than I'd ever even been with Ryan to begin with, to spend there. The doors slowly slid open and Ryan was standing there, wearing only a pair of black silk boxers. I could tell from his eyes and the way his curly blonde hair was sticking up in little patches that he'd been asleep. His face broke out in an incredible smile when he saw me, and I felt my heart melt all over again. "It is you! Seth, what in the hell are you doing here?" Ryan smiled as he started to move forward as if to kiss me. At the last moment he caught himself and looked quickly around the hallway, which was deserted. "Come on," he said taking me by the hand. He led me down the hall to his apartment, and quickly closed the door behind us. He moved forward, wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing me with passion. Our tongues explored each others mouths and I ran one hand down his back and the other through his hair. We kissed until we literally had to break away to breathe. Ryan continued to look at me with amazement, like he was dreaming me. "What are you doing here? Not that I'm not thrilled, man!" Ryan flashed the devilish grin i'd missed so much. "It's such a long story. Oh, God, I've missed you so much Ryan," I said, running a hand across his cheek. He smiled and pulled me forward again. "I can't believe how empty my life has been these past few weeks without you," he sighed, kissing my neck gently. For a moment we stood there, embracing, just breathing each other in. I felt that if I could just hold him like that forever, I'd never want anything else out of life. "Ryan..... God, I love you so much. I came here to tell you something, though," I said softly, my head still on his shoulder. "What?" Ryan pulled back, looking suddenly afraid of what I had to say. I couldn't blame him, either. After all, i'd made it clear that under no circumstances could I leave L.A. to visit him, and now here I was in the middle of the night. "Lets sit down, okay?" I said. We hadn't moved since walking through the door. Ryan nodded, looking into my eyes as if to read what was going on in my mind. He led the way into a room off the hall, decorated with several overstuffed armchairs and a sectional sofa. Ryan was still clutching my hand, so we sat down on the sofa, so close that we were almost on top of each other. "What is it?" he asked, his voice suddenly steely, as if he was bracing himself for the worst. I looked into his eyes and felt a horrible pang of fear. If I were to lose him, I don't know how i'd survive, I thought. For a moment, I almost decided not to tell him at all. But, I knew I could never live with myself if I didn't. "Ryan, something happened the other night," I began. Ryan released my hand and looked down at the carpet, waiting. When he took his hand away, I felt as though a knife had sliced my heart. Was this the beginning of the end? "I've been trying to find a way to tell you, but I couldn't seem to find the words. And a really good friend suggested that the only way to do it was in person. So, here I am," I struggled on, trying to gauge his reaction so far. "Just say it," he said, still looking at the floor. His voice was suddenly cold and harsh. "Go ahead, Seth. Say it, goddam it." "AJ and Scott came over to watch movies and when AJ left Scott thought I was interested in him, because of an embarrassing shower incident at the gym and he kissed me," I blurted it all out in one breath and then stopped, breathing no more, as I waited for Ryan's reaction. "And? Go on, Seth. Just tell me the rest," Ryan said, his voice even colder. He finally turned his eyes on me, and my heart broke to see the pain and the anger in them. "And I'm sorry, Ryan. I should have told you right away. But I didn't know how to deal with it and Scott was avoiding me, so things were really awkward at the studio-" I mumbled, my eyes filling with tears. I'd lost him. It was all over. "Wait. Are you telling me that that's it? You didn't sleep with him?" Ryan asked, his eyes crinkling at the corners in disbelief. "God, no Ryan. Of course I didn't sleep with him! I love you! I'd never......." I let my words die off as the tears continued to pour down my cheeks. "So....You flew all the way to New York in the middle of the night to tell me another guy kissed you, but you didn't let it go any farther than that?" Ryan asked, his voice softening. I nodded, my own voice suddenly not working. "I love you so much!" Ryan suddenly pulled me into a tight hug. He pulled back slightly and rested his forehead against mine, looking me into my eyes. "Seth, I thought you came to tell me you'd cheated on me! God, it felt like you wear tearing my heart out!" "But Ryan.....I was kissing someone else. And I didn't tell you about it," I said. Ryan smiled and gently brushed his lips against mine. "Seth, I'm sure you handled the situation as well as you could. You didn't kiss him, he kissed you! And who could blame him?" Ryan smiled. My heart began to beat again as I realized that it wasn't the end after all. "I should have told you on the phone," I said, suddenly feeling very foolish. "But I had to make sure you believed that it didn't mean anything to me," I said. "I'm glad you came, Seth. How long can you stay?" he asked. "AJ arranged for me to get three days off so we could work this out," I smiled. "God bless AJ!" Ryan grinned. I suddenly became very aware of the fact that Ryan was barely dressed. I leaned in for another kiss and slowly ran a hand across his hard chest, down his smooth stomach, and into his boxers. Ryan moaned as my hand found his cock, which was semi hard and soon grew to it's full eight inches with the caressing of my hand. Ryan began to moan in the back of his throat as our tongues continued to dance together. I increased the movement of my hand and he pulled back and let out a loud groan. "OHHH......Seth, stop. I don't want to cum yet," he breathed through clenched teeth. I slowly removed my hand and Ryan stood up, his erection making a very large tent through the silk. "Come on, babe," he said softly. I took his hand once again and he led me out of the room and down a hall to the master bedroom. Once we were inside, Ryan pulled my shirt over my head quickly and began to run his tongue across my chest, nibbling lightly on my nipples. I gasped with delight and Ryan stood back up and grinned. "God, I feel like it's been years since the last time we made love. I just want to devour you!" he said, reaching down and undoing my pants. He pushed me playfully backwards onto his bed and pulled my shoes off, and then my pants. Ryan ran his tongue slowly up my right leg until it reached the bottom of my boxer-briefs. He clutched the waistband with both hands and pulled them down. Ryan gently flicked his tongue around the head of my cock a few times, making me moan and thrust my hips slightly upward in pleasure. He kissed his way lightly up my chest until he was laying on top of me, staring into my eyes, my hard cock pressing against his own silk clad cock. "Seth, do you know what I've been doing every night since i've been here, while I lie alone in this bed?" he asked softly, his warm breath on my face. "Probably the same thing I've been doing back home," I smiled. "Besides that!" Ryan grinned. "I've been thinking of all the things I want to do with you. All the things I want us to do for each other ... to each other," he whispered. "I'm all yours, Ryan. I love you so much," I whispered back. Ryan smiled and gently sucked on my lower lip for a few moments. "Turn over, I want to try something," Ryan said. He rolled over on his side so that I could turn over on my stomach. He kissed the back of my neck and began to slowly lick his way down my back, sending shivers of joy throughout my body. When he reach my ass I felt him bite it lightly, playfully. I let out a small giggle, which turned into a moan as I suddenly felt Ryan spread my ass open and begin to lightly run his tongue over my hole. "Oh....Ryan.....that feels so.....aaaaaaaahhhhhh...." I broke into a louder moan as he suddenly thrust his tongue inside of me. Ryan continued to dart his tongue in and out of me, making my very soul quake with delight. He finally pulled back a little and began to suck on my ass cheek. After a few moments I heard him laugh softly. "What's so funny?" I asked, turning over slightly. "I gave you a hickee," Ryan grinned. Then his face turned serious and he looked into my eyes, his own blue eyes intense. "Seth.....I want you to make love to me. I've never wanted anything so much in my life. I want to feel you inside of me. I want to know what it feels like," he said. "Ryan, have you ever......" Ryan shook his head, answering my question silently. I nodded. "I love you so much," I sighed, feeling overwhelmed with emotions. Ryan got off the bed and then stopped short. "Oh no. I didn't bring any condoms or anything with me," he said. "I should hope not!" I grinned. "My bag, front pocket." Ryan ran from the room like a schoolboy hitting his first homerun. He came back just as quickly, condom and lubricant in hand. Ryan slowly unwrapped the condom and, looking me in the eye, unrolled it over my hard cock, making me moan with his gentle touch. He handed me the lube and I applied some to my cock. Ryan reached out and took it from my hand, rubbing some onto his own asshole. He slowly straddled me, his ass slightly up in the air above my cock. His face was a mixture of passion, love, and fear. "Are you sure?" I asked softly. Ryan nodded his head and slowly sank down, allowing the head of my cock to press it's way into his hole. Ryan's face twisted in pain and he clenched his teeth. I placed my hands on his hips and gently pressed him farther down, knowing that the sooner his ass adjusted, the more pleasurable it would be. Ryan began to grunt and bite his lip, his eyes squeezed shut. Soon he sitting on me, my full seven inches inside of him. We remained like that for a few minutes. Ryan's breathing slowly began to return to normal and he opened his eyes and smiled. "Okay," he whispered softly. He started to raise himself up and down, going the entire length of my cock, stopping only so that the head remained inside of him. We went very slowly at first, with Ryan's face still squinted in pain, but soon he started to relax even further and his grunts of pain turned to shouts of pleasure. "OH god......ummmmm....I had no idea it felt like this," Ryan moaned as he started to ride me faster. I was in complete ecstasy, staring at Ryan's beautiful face, contorted in his own pleasure, and admiring his chest and the way his stomach muscles clenched as he moved up and down on top of me. I kept one hand on his hip, but I moved the other to his cock and began to slowly stroke it in rhythm with his up and down movements. After several minutes of this, I couldn't hold back any longer. Looking at my face, Ryan leaned slightly forward as I instinctively raised my upper body off the bed. Our mouths met again as I began to cum. I felt Ryan reach his own climax, his warm load splashing both of our chests as we kissed. I fell back on the bed, completely wiped out. Ryan slowly raised himself off of my cock and removed the condom, which he tossed into the ever ready waste basket. Crawling up beside me, Ryan gently bent over and began to lick his own cum off of my chest. When he was finished, I rolled over and began to lick it off of his chest, savoring the bittersweet taste that was Ryan. Ryan wrapped his arms around my shoulders and we looked into each others eyes again. He smiled sleepily. "Did you like that?" he asked softly. "Ryan, that was incredible," I said. "What about you?" "It was much better than I expected. I always wondered what it would be like. But I wanted you to have as much pleasure as me. God, I've missed you so much Seth," Ryan smiled again. "Ryan every moment I'm with you is pleasure, no matter what we do. I don't ever want to leave your arms," I said, snuggling close, my head on his chest. "And I don't ever want to let you go," Ryan smiled as we both began to drift off to sleep. ****To Readers: As you may have heard, the real life Ryan and Reese are engaged to be married and expecting a child this fall. I'd like to know if you all think I should end this story here, or continue on? The story is complete fiction anyway, but in light of this real life turn of events, do you think I should keep writing these stories?? Please let me know at justins_boy@hotmail.com Thanks!