Date: Fri, 05 Mar 1999 12:50:37 PST From: Justin's Boy Subject: Ryan's Love 7 *****This is a work of fiction and in no way is it intended to reflect on the actual sexuality of the real Ryan Phillippe. I woke up with the most incredible feeling of peace. At first I couldn't quite put my finger on why I was feeling that way, but then the answer hit me: I'd been asleep! For the first time in days, I'd been able to sleep. Then, the reason for my sleeping so well sank in: Ryan. I was in New York with Ryan and all my worries about the Scott situation had been for nothing. Everything was wonderful. I sat up and looked around the room, which was filled with daylight and the dim roar of New York city traffic in the background. I looked at the digital clock across from the bed. It was 11:30. I stretched my arms above my head and noticed for the first time a slip of paper, folded in half, lying on the pillow next to me. I picked it up, smiling as I noticed that the pillow still bore the impression of Ryan's head. 'You look so cute when you're asleep, do you know that? I totally wanted to wake you up and have my way with you, but I figured you could use the rest. You'll need it for later tonight. I love you so much, I'm so glad you're here. I had to be to work at 8, and I probably won't be home until around 6, at the earliest. I hate to leave you all alone today! I'll try and call, okay? Did I tell you yet that I love you?' I put down Ryan's note, and got out of bed. It felt like I was floating through the air, I was so happy. I took a quick shower and got dressed. I went into the kitchen and fixed myself a snack, wondering what I should do to fill the next few hours. I turned on the TV and flipped through the channels, but I wasn't in the mood to watch people throwing chairs at each other on talk shows, or mothers feeling guilty for sleeping with their daughter's husbands on soap operas. I felt too happy for such basic human misery. So, I sat at the table in Ryan's dining room, looking out on a great view of New York life, and I began to write. At first, I didn't set out to write anything in particular. But after a few minutes of just jotting down some random dialogue that popped into my head, I started to write in earnest. Suddenly, characters who'd only existed in the far reaches of my mind, unknown even to me, began to appear on the paper. I had become so intent on what I was writing that I didn't even hear the phone ring until Ryan's answering machine switched on and his voice filled the apartment. "Hi, I'm not in so leave a message. Thanks," Ryan's voice called out. I jumped a little, coming out of my own little world with a jolt. I started towards the phone, which was in the living room, and Ryan's voice once again reached my ears. "Seth? Pick up. It's me. Good thinking, not answering. I didn't even think about that when I left this morning." "About what?" I answered, smiling. "About how to explain a very sexy male voice answering my phone when I'm out," Ryan said. I could tell from his voice that he was smiling on his end of the phone, too. "Just tell them you've hired a very sexy male butler," I laughed. "How's it going?" "Pretty good, actually. Reese isn't scheduled today, so the scenes we're shooting are going pretty smoothly," Ryan said. "That's great. Any chance of getting off early, then?" I asked. "I hope so. I hate the thought of you sitting there with nothing to do. Are you really bored?" Ryan asked, sounding a little guilty. "It's not that bad. It's only a couple more hours, right? I'm keeping myself entertained," I said. "I still feel bad about it. I would have woken you up, but you'd only been asleep for a few hours and you looked so tired. But tomorrow you can get your lazy ass out of bed and come with me," Ryan said, ending with a laugh. "Really? You don't think that would look too weird?" I asked. "Well, it's not like we're going to be making out on the set or anything. I've brought friends around to watch me work on other movies. No reason I can't bring you," Ryan said. "Great. I'd love to see you in action," I smiled. "That's funny. I could have sworn you saw me in action last night," Ryan laughed. "I must be thinking of someone else." "Ha ha. Very funny. You should have gone into stand up," I laughed. "Hey, I still could. You never know," Ryan joked. Then his voice turned serious. "I can't believe how lucky I am, Seth. It's unbelievable. I keep having to stop and remind myself that you're here, waiting for me. It's like we're...." "A couple?" I asked softly. "Yeah. I love you so much," Ryan said. "Ryan, I love you more than anything," I whispered back, suddenly feeling almost scared of the emotions. "I--, shit. Seth, I have to go. The director wants to see me. I'll see you in a few hours, okay? I love you, babe." "Okay. I love you too. Hurry home," I smiled. I went back into the dining room and picked up where I'd left off on the script. I wasn't exactly sure why I was suddenly so engrossed in writing it, but it passed the time. So well, in fact, that I nearly jumped out of my skin when I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you," Ryan smiled. I looked at my watch and realized that it was already 5:30. "You're a sight for sore eyes," I smiled. Ryan bent down and kissed me lightly on the lips. "What are you writing? I thought you had three days off from work?" Ryan asked. "I do. It's not for the show. I was just passing the time," I smiled. "But now that you're back......" I stood up and put my arms around Ryan's waist, kissing him deeply. "Hey, better be careful. I might get used to coming home to this," Ryan grinned when we pulled apart. "Are you hungry?" "Starving! Are you going to make pasta?" I asked, smiling as I remembered our 'first date.' "No. I thought we could go out. There's a great Italian place a few blocks down," Ryan said. "That sounds great," I smiled. Ryan and I made our way down to the lobby. The day doorman was on duty, so at least I didn't have to worry about the doorman from before realizing I'd slept over. Ryan had a car on loan from the studio, but since we were only going a few blocks we decided to walk. "So, tell me about your day?" I asked as we walked along the sidewalk. It was hard to resist the temptation to take his hand. "It was the best so far on this movie. Maybe because I knew you were waiting for me," Ryan smiled. "Things went pretty good. I just don't know how well the movie is going to turn out. I'm starting to regret taking it, to be honest." "Why?" I asked, as we reached the restaurant. Ryan waited until we'd been seated and handed menus to answer. "Well, I have to think about the future. I don't want to just be one of those pretty faces who end up burning out by the time they're 30. I want to take roles that are going to show people that I can act," Ryan explained. "You can act. I've seen most of your movies," I said. "You really blew me away in White Squall." "Thanks, Seth. But some of the roles I've taken..... well, I've not always made the best decisions. This movie is one of the worst, though. The main reason I took it was because Reese wanted us to do a movie together and this was the first one that came along," Ryan sighed. "Well, it's just one movie. You'll be able to choose the next one more carefully," I smiled. "Believe it or not, I'm not exactly offered Shakespeare. I'm offered the parts where I get to show my ass at least once," Ryan sighed again. "Well, someone should write a Hamlet script with a nude scene, then," I smiled, trying to lighten Ryan's mood. Ryan laughed and shook his head. "Yeah. Sorry if I was getting a little heavy on you. It just scares me sometimes. The thought of losing my looks and not being wanted any more. It's happened you know. Unless you've proven you've got the acting talent, Hollywood doesn't want you once you hit a certain age," Ryan said. "Ryan, you do have the talent. You're not going to fade out. Look at Brando! He was considered a hunk in his day, but he proved he could ACT. That's why he's still around even though he doesn't exactly have the body of a God any more," I said. "True. It's all about the roles you take. Okay, let's change the topic," Ryan smiled that devilish little grin. We ordered our dinner and some wine and spent the next few hours talking. We talked about our families, and growing up. We talked about our childhood dreams. We talked about our first crushes, our first kisses. Finally, we made our way out of the restaurant and started our walk back to his apartment. Once again, I had to strongly fight the urge to take hold of his hand or to put my arm around his waist as we walked. ************** The alarm began to buzz at six a.m. Ryan sighed and rolled over, slamming the palm of his hand down on the snooze button. I opened my eyes, smiling as I recalled the night before. After we'd come home from dinner, Ryan had slipped off into the bedroom to 'get more comfortable' while I tried to place a call to AJ in Los Angeles. I wanted to let her know that everything was all right with Ryan and I, and since California was three hours behind, I figured I'd be able to catch her. All i got was her machine, though, so I finally made my way back to the bedroom. I'd discovered Ryan, dressed only in his silk boxers, sound asleep on the bed. "Seth? What happened?" Ryan asked, looking a little confused. "Nothing. You fell asleep while I was on the phone," I smiled. "Why didn't you wake me?" Ryan asked, sitting up. "Well, you're kinda cute when you sleep," I grinned. "I'm sorry. I guess I was more tired than I realized. Want me to make it up to you?" Ryan asked, grinning back at me, his blue eyes sparkling. "Do we have time?" I asked. "Well, they can't exactly start without me," Ryan said as he began to rub a hand across the front of my boxer-briefs. "Mmmm. Ryan, I don't want to get you into any trouble," I said, moaning a little at his gentle caress. "Don't worry. We won't be late," Ryan smiled as he eased my underwear down around my waist. He leaned forward and gently took my hardening cock into his mouth, moving his head up and down the shaft. I put a hand on the back of his head and leaned back in bed, moaning with pleasure. Ryan continued to bob his head up and down, increasing his rhythm while he gently rubbed my balls with one hand. It didn't take very long before I let out a loud gasp and started cumming down Ryan's throat. Ryan sat up and laid back against the headboard next to me. Looking into my eyes, he lifted my chin and leaned in to kiss me, lightly flicking his tongue around my mouth. "Did that make up for it?" Ryan asked, smiling. "And then some," I sighed happily. I started to reach out towards the tent in his silk boxers, but he jumped back and got out of bed, avoiding my hand. "Oh, no. Sorry. If we do anything else we really will be late," Ryan smiled. "You tease!" I grinned, rolling out of bed. "Hey, I'm the one who's not going to be able to get off until tonight!" Ryan laughed. "You want the shower first?" "First? Why not together?" I asked, raising my eyebrows innocently. "Yeah, right. Then I'd really be late. Sorry, I have to just say no!" Ryan flashed his killer grin once more and darted off towards the bathroom. Ryan was through with the bathroom very quickly, which surprised me. "I thought someone who looked as good as you would be a little more high maintenance," I teased. "The magic of movie making," Ryan laughed, pulling on a white V-necked shirt. "Actually, the magic of the hair and make up department." I got in the shower, sighing as the warm water ran over my body. I felt so at home there, waking up next to Ryan. I dreaded the thought that I'd have to leave the next evening, to go back to California and spend the next five weeks without him. Shaking my head, I pushed that thought away. I wasn't going to worry about it. I was going to enjoy the time I had here in New York with Ryan. I got out of the shower and went into the bedroom, where I quickly threw on some clothes. I was surprised to find Ryan sitting at the dining room table, engrossed in a script. "Don't you have your lines memorized yet?" I asked. Ryan looked up at me and I was a little taken aback by the look in his eyes. It was hard to describe, but the closest definition was a mix between awe and glee. "Seth, this is incredible!" Ryan jumped up, coming around the table towards me. He put his hands on my shoulders and gave me a small shake. "I can't believe it! All this time, I've been waiting for it and here it is, just lying around my apartment!" "Ryan what are you talking about?" I asked, feeling as though I'd missed a chapter somewhere or other. "This!" Ryan shouted, waving his script around, practically jumping up and down. Then I realized that it wasn't the script for the movie he was making. It was the script i'd started writing the day before. "Ryan, that's not even finished. It's just something I was doing to pass the time yesterday," I said, more than a little flustered by his excitement. "Seth, this is IT! This is the movie that could do it for me. There is no way that I'd ever get offered a script like this, not unless my manager or my agent kissed a few hundred thousand asses or were owed a huge favor!" Ryan continued to shout. "Calm down! Ryan, it's just an unfinished rough draft," I said. Ryan sat down at the table, making an obvious effort to get himself under control. "Okay. I'm sorry. But Seth, this script is the best I've ever read!" "Ryan, I think you're a little biased when it comes to stuff I write," I smiled, loving him for his enthusiasm, which I felt was for my benefit. "Seth, you don't get it. This script is incredible! Promise me. Promise me you'll finish it soon! We can get it made and I can play the lead! This could make both of our careers!" Ryan said. I realized that he wasn't just being kind, that he really meant it. "Ryan, no one is going to take that script seriously, no matter how good it may be. I'm an unknown TV writer. It'll take years before anything I write will ever be taken seriously enough for a studio executive to even think about reading it," I said. "Not if you have stars attached already. I want the lead, Seth. I'm not exactly Tom Hanks, I can't guarantee it being made. But with my name attached, I'm sure it'll at least get in the door. And once they read it, it'll be a done deal!" Ryan said, standing up and beginning to pace a little. "Okay, Ryan. I'll finish it. I'm really touched that you like it that much," I smiled. Ryan stopped his pacing and wrapped his arms around my waist. "Seth, it's brilliant. And I'm not just saying that to get you into bed, 'cause I know I can do that anytime," he grinned, his crystal blue eyes sparkling. "Yeah, that's true," I smiled. "Come on, we'd better get going." ******************** A few hours later, I was seated along the sidelines of the set, trying to stay out of everyone's way. Ryan had introduced me to a few of the crew members as a friend from California, but almost everyone was too busy too take much notice of me anyway. The first two scenes took forever to shoot. I was more used to the grind of a weekly television show, where things had to be moved along. I wasn't quite prepared for the amount of work that went into every single scene in a movie. When those two scenes, which had involved Ryan and the second male lead in the film, were in the can, the director called for a break. Ryan sought me out immediately, looking a little weary. "You did a great job," I smiled. "Thanks. Let's get some food and head to my trailer. I have to get some nourishment before I face the next scene," he sighed. I nodded and followed him, first to the craft service table, which was loaded with just about every kind of food imaginable, and then, each of us carrying a plate of food, to his own trailer. "Did you think the scenes went okay?" Ryan asked, sounding more than a little worried. "They looked fine to me. You were great, Ryan," I assured him. "Well, the last two scenes we're doing today are both with me and Reese. That's not going to be fun," he sighed. We ate in silence for a little while, each of us thinking our own thoughts. Ryan reached over and picked up a newspaper that was lying on the table. He slowly looked through it while I picked up that weeks copy of Entertainment Weekly. I'd been prepared for something of this sort. A lot of actors get really wrapped up in their characters while their shooting and it leaves them a little moody sometimes, depending on the character. I figured Ryan could probably use some peace and quiet. "Oh, shit!" Ryan suddenly stood up. I looked up at him in shock, wondering what had happened. "Seth, listen to this!" Ryan said, his eyes looking suddenly panicked. " 'Seen about town: A certain young hunk in town shooting his next movie. What's surprising is that this handsome actor wasn't dining out with his equally good looking girlfriend, but with a very attractive guy friend. Whatever may be behind his intentions, the actor certainly wasn't blue about his dinner company.'" Ryan finished reading and looked up at me. "Ryan, it's not that bad. No one is even going to connect you with it," I said. "Seth, come on! Intentions? Blue? Could the jerk get any more obvious? He might as well have thrown in 'last summer' or '54'" Ryan slammed the paper back down on the table. "Okay, so what? People will know it's you. All we were doing was having dinner, Ryan. They can't make that into something it's not," I said, trying to calm him down. "Damn. I knew we shouldn't have gone out to eat together. And now everyone is going to read it and start to speculate. Especially since all the people working on this movie know that things aren't exactly wonderful between Reese and I," Ryan said, sitting down and putting his head in his hands. "Well, I'm sorry having dinner with me caused you such grief. Maybe I should just stay behind closed doors waiting for you to come and spend some quality time with me. When it suits you and won't be too damaging to your career, of course," I said, unable to control the sudden surge of anger that bubbled up inside of me. "Oh, God Seth. Don't get all pissed off at me. These things can really hurt my career," Ryan shot back, obviously irritated with my outburst. "Well, don't worry. I'll be gone soon enough and you can go back to protecting your career. Hey, I know! Why don't you go ahead and marry Reese! Then you can get her pregnant! No one will ever dare call you a fag, then!" I said through clenched teeth. I didn't wait for his response, instead I turned and stormed out of his trailer and back onto the set. My intention was to get as far away from Ryan as possible at that moment. I felt both hurt and angry, and I didn't want to even look at him. I was so focused on getting out of there, that I ran into the back of one of the lighting technicians who was setting up the next shot. "Hey, watch it buddy!" "Sorry," I mumbled, trying to get around him. "Hey! Don't I know you?" a voice called out to my left. I froze at the sound of it and turned my head slowly towards Reese, who was standing off to one side, script in hand. I just stared, I couldn't even find my voice to answer her. "I do know you. Didn't I meet you in a club? I was with my boyfriend, Ryan?" Reese asked, looking at me curiously. "Oh, yeah. That's right!" I put on a fake smile, pretending to have just recalled the night in question. "What are you doing in New York? Are you working on this movie?" Reese asked, smiling. I was a little surprised at her friendliness. She hadn't exactly been polite the night we met. But then, she'd had a few drinks that night, too, and had wanted to be out on the dance floor. "No, I'm not. I was just visiting a friend, actually," I said nervously. "You weren't an actor, I remember that. What did you do again? Direct?" Reese asked. "Um, I'm a writer," I said. "That's right! What show did you write for? One of those new ones, wasn't it? Dawson's Creek?" Reese asked. "Felicity," I smiled, and this time it was genuine. "So, who are you visiting?" Reese asked. Before I could answer, though, Reese saw something over my shoulder that made a drastic change in her. Her attitude went from friendly and curious to suddenly very serious. "Reese?" Ryan's voice sounded right behind me. I froze, not wanting to turn around, lest Reese catch a hint of the things I was feeling towards Ryan at that moment. "Hi, Ryan," Reese smiled. "Is it important? I was kind of in the middle of something here." Reese put a hand on my arm. "Uh, no. I guess not. They're just about ready for the next scene, though," Ryan said. "Who's your friend?" I could hear the amusement in Ryan's voice and I felt another surge of anger. Reese, though, heard it, too, and obviously felt it was directed at her. "Actually, he came out from L.A. to visit me. We met him in a club one night. Maybe you remember? You knocked him down and walked all over him, like you're so good at doing," Reese said, her voice bitter but her face set in a sweet smile. "And he came all this way to see you, huh?" Ryan asked. I turned around then, angered further by the amusement in his voice. "Yeah, buddy, I did. From what I understand, Reese has been having a tough time lately and I thought she could use some cheering up," I said, my voice hostile. Ryan looked shocked for a minute and then flushed in anger. "What the fuck ever," he muttered, turning around and walking away. Reese suddenly sighed and leaned against my arm. "Thanks. That was nice of you," she said, her voice a little shaky. "Are you okay?" I asked, genuinely concerned. "I'm fine, I guess. It's just hard when someone you love just suddenly stops loving you for no apparent reason. I mean, if he would just tell me why, instead of being so distant," Reese sighed. I felt a serious pang of guilt as I realized that Reese wasn't exactly the person I'd made her into in my mind. She was a real person, with real feelings, which had been shattered. "Well, I have to get ready for the scene. Thanks, though," Reese smiled again and walked away. I watched her go, feeling suddenly furious at the price she and I were both paying because of Ryan's career. ********** I spent most of the rest of the day watching the filming of two scenes between Ryan and Reese. These scenes took longer to get right, mostly because of the animosity between the two stars. When they were finally in the can, I made my way slowly to Ryan's trailer, not looking forward to the confrontation I knew awaited me. I knocked lightly on the door, but got no answer. I tried the handle and the door opened in my hand. "Ryan?" I called out, walking up the steps into the trailer, which was dark. "Are you in here?" "Yeah," his voice was eerily disembodied in the darkened trailer and I wasn't quite sure which direction it came from. "Can I turn on the light?" I asked. "If you want," Ryan's reply was barely above a whisper. I flicked the switch next to the door and the trailer was flooded with fluorescent light. Ryan was lying on a sofa to the left of the door, a hand towel over his eyes. I closed the door behind me and walked over to the sofa. "Are you okay?" I asked, sitting down on the floor so my face would be level with his. "Yeah," Ryan remained monosyllabic. "I'm sorry, Ryan. I know I overreacted earlier. It just hurts sometimes when you put your career so high above the people in your life," I said. Ryan sat up, dropping the hand towel. His eyes looked red, like he'd been crying. "That's not true. My career is important, but I don't put it above everything! If I did, I wouldn't be with you, Seth. Don't you think it would be better for my career if I was with a woman? But I'm not, am I?" "No you're not. Not any more. But the woman you were with, for the sake of your career, is a mess. That's what I mean, Ryan. Look at Reese. You put your career first by dating her when you didn't love her, then you put your career first by not telling her why you broke up with her. You just ended it, told her you didn't love her, but not WHY. All because you have to protect your career," I said sadly. "Fuck you! I broke up with Reese because of YOU. Because I love you!" Ryan shouted. "Then why can't you TELL her that? Goddam it, Ryan. It's not like you're taking out a page in the New York Times announcing your gay! We're talking about a human being who loved you a lot and doesn't understand what the hell is going on!" I shouted back. "This isn't even about Reese, Seth. This is about what I said earlier. About the blind item in that stupid gossip column," Ryan said. "It's about that, too. Yes. It all ties in, Ryan. Your career. It's always first. I can guarantee you that after today's little blind item, you and I won't be going out to dinner in public any more. So what's to stop you from dropping me all together if someone prints a blind item about us being lovers?" I demanded, my eyes filling with tears. "I love you, Seth. I wouldn't end what we have because of a stupid gossip column!" Tears were running down his face now, too. "No? What about if your manager told you that people around Hollywood were starting to talk? And that if you wanted to keep your career on the right track you'd better end it? Would you do it then? That's what scares me, Ryan," I cried. "If that's what you think of me--" Ryan let his sentence die out, the implication speaking for itself. "Ryan, I love you. But you have to make some decisions. I'm not asking you to come out to the world. I'm just asking you to stop putting you're career above the people who love you," I said. Ryan didn't answer. We continued to stare at each other, he sitting on the sofa, me on the floor. After a few minutes, he stood up and grabbed his jacket. "Let's go home, okay?" he asked. "I don't want to deal with this right now." I sighed, standing up. "Okay, Ryan. But it's not going to go away. It's going to be here, right between us, until it's settled. One way or the other." We made our way out to Ryan's car and drove back to his apartment in complete silence. The ride up on the elevator was the same way. Once we were inside, Ryan went straight back to the bedroom and closed the door. I went into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror, wondering what I'd done. I knew that my whole relationship with Ryan might be over, but I also knew that I couldn't let it go any further, not the way things were. If I did, I was only asking for heartache down the road. Sighing, I made my way to the apartment's spare bedroom and crawled between the cold sheets of the empty bed, feeling very much alone. *****Please send any comments or suggestions to justins_boy@hotmail.com