Date: Tue, 27 Feb 2001 04:09:44 From: Erin Chalmers Subject: Secret Emotion-chapter6 Yay! It's Chapter six! This one pretty much flew right out of me. I hope everyone enjoys it! I know the cliffhanger on the last one was kind of mean. Thanks to Ashley, Digitalfreak, Jeff, Tina, Psychotic Angel, and, as always, the amazing Aaron for being one of the nicest guys in the universe. Disclaimer: I don't know 'N Sync, and I don't know if they are gay. This chapter contains a very, very small amount of sexually suggestive terminology. For those of you who have a problem with that, or are too young, stop reading. For those of you who don't, don't worry, there will be much, much more later on. Chapter 6 Justin didn't know what to do. He was dripping water on the floor and the door to his room was wide open so that anyone walking by would see him wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. This time it was JC's turn to be shocked. He hadn't expected to see Justin in so little clothing. But he was much better at hiding his desire than Justin was. He closed his mouth and stepped into the room, closing the door behind him. Outwardly he seemed calm, but inside he was praying than he wouldn't get excited and completely scare Justin away. "Um, just sit down and I'll get dressed," Justin said, running into the bathroom. He rushed around, drying himself off and putting on a pair of blue striped flannel pajama pants and a white T-shirt. He reached for the door knob, but stopped himself from opening it. He took a deep breath. "Calm down, Justin," he whispered, "you don't know what happened on the date yet." Suddenly Justin didn't want to open the door at all. What if JC was only here to tell him that he still loved Luke and wanted to be with him? He'd die. Or he'd just kill Luke. "You can do this," he told himself. With another deep breath, Justin left the bathroom and entered his hotel room. JC was sitting on a chair with his head in his hands. Justin was suddenly overcome with a huge sense of worry. Something was wrong with JC. He quickly walked over to him and knelt on the ground in front of his chair. "Josh?" he asked softly, "Are you okay?" JC looked up with tears in his big blue eyes and Justin felt his heart break. He took JC's hand, and pulled him into his arms. JC collapsed against Justin and let everything go. They sat on the floor like that for a few minutes, until JC calmed down. Justin was scared. JC wasn't like this. He was always strong. He always had everything so together. If things ever did get too overwhelming for him, he broke down in private, never where anyone else could see him. It was very disconcerting for Justin to be able to see JC in such a vulnerable state. "Josh," he said, "tell me what's wrong. Did Luke do something to you?" JC sniffled and pulled back from Justin so that they were face to face, cross legged on the floor. "No. Well, yes, kind of," JC replied. Justin immediately tensed up. He could feel his face getting red and his fists were clenched. He knew Luke was going to hurt JC again, he just knew it. This time, though, Justin wasn't going to let him get away with it. "Woah, Justin, calm down, it isn't what you think," JC said quickly. He had never seen Justin get so mad in such a short period of time. "He didn't do anything wrong. He didn't hurt me." Justin relaxed and let out a sigh. "But you aren't...you aren't together are you?" Justin asked hopefully. He was afraid to breathe, afraid to move. He was so scared. If JC said that he and Luke decided to get back together he didn't know what it would do to him. JC looked down at the floor and then back at Justin. "No," he said. Justin exhaled a loud, relieved breath of air. It was okay. He hadn't lost JC. Yet. "So what happened then?" Justin asked. JC sighed. He didn't really want to talk about it. He knew he'd have to leave parts out, things concerning his feelings for Justin, but he didn't want to keep anything else from him. "We went out for dinner," JC began, "but it just didn't feel right. I mean, I found myself sitting there and wondering what it was that ever attracted me to him. It wasn't that he was THAT bad, I just didn't feel anything." "Did he apologize for what he did to you?" Justin asked. "Yeah, he did," JC said, "but I don't know if he meant it. I just...There's no way I can trust him after that. I thought I would be able to, but I just can't." "What happened after dinner?" "He asked me to go to his new condo," JC said, looking away from Justin. "JC, you didn't, did you?" Justin said, his voice strained. JC looked around the room. Anywhere but in Justin's eyes. "Josh..." he whispered. "I had to!" JC said. "But why? It's not like you owe him anything!" "I know I don't, I just had to do it for myself. I had to know for sure if there was anything between us," JC said, defending himself. He wanted to tell Justin how frustrating it was to be in love with someone who could never love him back. That's why he'd done it. He had just wanted to forget about Justin. He wanted to feel that way about someone who would return his feelings. "But JC, you already knew. I know how you are. You knew the moment you saw him that you didn't love him anymore. You probably knew the moment you heard his voice on the phone," Justin protested. "I just wanted to be sure. I know I was lying to myself, but I couldn't help it. You don't have to yell at me, Justin, I know it was a mistake." Justin bit his lip. He didn't want JC to think he was mad at him. He was just stupid and worried and jealous. Very, very jealous. He took JC's hand in his. "I'm sorry. I just care about you and you know how I feel about Luke," he said. "It's okay." "So what happened after you went back to his place?" Justin asked, not sure if he really wanted to know. "We were just sitting on his couch," JC said, "and drinking champagne. He kept telling me that he missed me and he thought about me all the time. I don't know what I was thinking Justin, but before I knew it we were making out. I didn't want him. But it's been so long...so long since anyone's said things like that to me. I can't even remember the last time I really felt loved and cared about. I kept telling myself that Luke could make me feel that way." Justin felt sick and angry and guilty and sad all at once. He wanted to be that person for JC. He didn't know that JC felt so alone. So alone that he would turn to Luke of all people. Justin looked up at JC. He was starting to cry again as he continued talking. "I wanted to tell him to stop, but I thought that eventually I'd feel good. Physically, I was turned on, but emotionally everything was just...it was just wrong. He didn't feel right and I didn't want him to be touching me the way that he was." Justin was struggling to hold himself together. He kept picturing Luke touching JC. Touching *his* JC. To Justin, JC was perfect, almost Godly. Someone like Luke didn't belong anywhere near JC. The whole thing just seemed wrong. "Justin, I feel so dirty," JC said, starting to cry even harder, "I don't know why I did that. I don't know why I let him touch me. I never wanted it. I just kept thinking about..." Justin pulled JC back into his arms and let him cry again. "It's okay," he said, "it's over now. Just calm down." Justin frowned as he rubbed JC's back. He wanted to know just how far it had gone. Only he didn't know if now was the right time to ask. JC couldn't have been that desperate, could he? Justin decided that he needed to know. He gently pulled away from JC and tilted hs head up. "Josh? How bad was it? I mean, what did you let him do to you?" JC looked stunned for a minute. "Oh, Justin, no. No, I didn't...I didn't let him...fuck me." Justin pulled JC back to his chest. That was enough for him. He didn't want to hear the details, he just wanted to know that it didn't get that far. "I think you should go to bed. It'll all be better in the morning," Justin said. "Can I stay here? With you? I don't want to be alone," JC said, looking like a frightened little boy. The way JC looked at him made Justin want to cry. Did he really think he'd say no? "Of course you can," Justin said. He got up and pulled the covers back on one of the beds. JC stood up beside him and wiped his eyes. "I'm just gonna go to the bathroom," JC said. Once JC had the door closed, Justin sat down on the other bed and sighed. This was all new to him. He wasn't used to being so strong. But for JC he'd do anything. He crawled underneath the covers of his bed and turned off the light. He was exhausted, but didn't know how much sleep he would get. All he could think about was Luke touching JC. The image was permanently burned onto his eyeballs. Justin heard the toilet flush and the bathroom door open. He could see JC's shadow move across the room. He heard the rustle of clothes being removed and the zipper of JC's fly being undone. Then JC moved out of his view. Justin closed his eyes. "Goodnight Josh," he whispered. But JC didn't say anything. At first Justin thought that he was so tired that he had fallen asleep quckly. But then he felt the other side of his bed move as his covers were lifted up. A body slid under the sheets beside him and he could feel warm breath on the back of his neck. "Is this okay?" JC whispered, "I just need to be close to someone." JC didn't know what he was doing. He didn't want Justin to suspect anything, but he was just so tired of wanting him and not being able to do anything about it. Tonight he just wanted to know Justin was sleeping beside him. Justin rolled over to face JC. "It's okay. You know I don't mind," he said. JC moved closer to Justin and Justin put his arm around him. JC was only in his underwear and Justin felt little jolts of electricity shoot through his body as their bare skin made contact. JC let his head rest on Justin's chest and the two of them fell asleep, content for the first time in weeks. *** The next morning was a day off. There were no rehearsals or meetings or anything else that had to do with the tour. Sara and Joey were in Joey's room talking about what they wanted to do for the day. "I want to get out of here," Joey said, "Let's do something fun!" "Like what?" asked Sara. "I don't know. We could go to an amusement pak or something." "Joey, do you know how much security that would require? It's too much work." "I'd rather put all the work into organizing it than sit around and do nothing all day." "Well I'd rather put a smaller amount of work into organizing something a little more low key." Just then Christina walked through the open door to Joey's room. "Hey kids," she said, "what's shakin'?" "Nothing right now," Sara replied, getting up to give her a kiss, "but we're thinking of something low key yet fun to do today." "I vote for an amusement park," said Joey. "Too much work," Christina said. Sara just smirked at Joey. "Are the other guys awake?" Christina asked. "Lance and Chris are in Lance's room playing video games," said Joey, "but I haven't seen Justin or JC yet." "Oh my God, I forgot about the date!" Sara said. "Let's go wake them up," Christina suggested. "You two are so nosy!" Joey said. "We know," Christina replied. The two girls left Joey's room and made their way to where JC's and Justin's rooms were. "Who should we try first?" Sara asked. "Hmmm. I don't know. I wonder if Justin stayed awake until JC got back. I bet he did. He was pretty messed up," Christina said. "Let's try JC first, I'm curious about the date. And we should probably let Justin sleep," Sara replied. She moved toward JC's door and knocked loudly three times. The girls waited, but got no answer. Sara shot Christina a worried glance. Then she tried again. Still no answer. "Shit, what if he didn't come home?" Christina asked, "Justin's gonna be heart broken." Sara put her ear to the door, trying to hear any thing that would suggest JC's presence in the room. "Should we try Justin?" she asked. "Yeah. He's gonna be devastated and I don't want him to be alone. Be prepeared though," Christina said. She knocked loudly on the door, and they both waited patiently. Justin didn't seem to be answering the door either. "Oh my God, what if he did something?" Sara suddenly exclaimed. "What do you mean?" Christina asked. "I mean, what if JC never came home so he decided that life wasn't worth living? Chrissy, I'm scared!" Christina's face went white. It hadn't occured to her that Justin would do something like that. But he was really upset about JC. "Go back to our room and look in the top drawer. There's an extra key to Justin's room. I'll stay here and keep trying," Christina said. Sara ran away to get the key and Christina pounded on the door and started yelling. "JUSTIN!!!! JUSTIN, ANSWER THE DOOR!!!!" She kept yelling and banging until Sara came back. "Put it in, quick!" Sara said, shoving the key into Christina's hand. The two girls quickly got the door open and burst into the room. Christina went first. She ran straight into the room, but immediately stopped in her tracks. Sara bumped into her. "What?" she asked, confused about why they had stopped. "Shhh!" Christina said, pointing to one of the beds. Sara looked up and smiled. JC was laying on Justin's chest and Justin had his arms tightly coiled around JC's body. They were both sleeping peacefully. "I guess they were tired," Sara whispered. "They're so cute together," Christina said. "Too bad they're clueless. I guess we should leave them alone." The girls left and went back to Joey's room. "So?" he asked. "Uh, they're still sleeping," Sara said. "I thought you were gonna wake them up," Joey said. "Well, we tried, but I guess they were just really tired," Christina replied. "Okay, whatever," Joey said, giving them a strange look, "does this mean we have to wait for them?" "I think we should just leave them a note and go do something without them," Christina said. "Let's go get Lance and Chris," Sara said. *** JC squinted as he opened his eyes. He lifted his head up a bit and looked at Justin, who was still sleeping with his arms around JC. He smiled and slowly pulled himself from Justin's grasp. He lay down on his side and propped his head up with his arm. "I love you," he whispered. JC couldn't remember a time when he had been happier, despite everything that had happened the night before. He would give up everything in the whole world just to be able to wake up with Justin like this every day. At that moment, when the sun was shining in through the window and hitting Justin's adorable face, nothing else mattered. He forgot about Luke and he forgot about the fact that he couldn't have Justin. Right then everything was so perfect that his fantasy almost seemed real. He could pretend that he and Justin were together, waking up to a brand new day. Justin suddenly took a deep breath and rolled over, stretching his arm out. JC imagined that Justin was reaching out for him, missing the warm embrace that they had spent the night entangled in. God, Justin was beautiful. His hair was all messy and spread out on the pillow and his bare, muscular arm looked so graceful stretched out over the sheets. JC wanted to lean over and kiss his pretty pink lips. It was so tempting. Nobody would know he did it. No, that wasn't right. JC would know he did it. And that would be enough. Taking advantage of Justin in his sleep wasn't something he wanted to do, even if it was just a kiss. He flopped down on his back beside Justin and sighed. It was all so frustrating. He couldn't remember ever wanting anything more than this. He almost wished Justin was an asshole so that he could get over him. But no, Justin had to be the nicest guy in the whole world. Sometimes it even seemed like he was flirting with JC. But no, that wouldn't make sense. JC knew it was just his imagination running away with him. That didn't mean that he didn't want it to be true, though. All of a sudden Justin made a loud noise that resembled a scream and threw himself on top of JC. He was clawing at the sheets and kicking his feet like he was trying to run. JC's eyes widened as Justin's knee slid across his crotch. "Whoa, Justin, calm down!" he said. But Justin kept going and he kept rubbing his knee along JC's quickly rising dick. He started breathing hard against JC's neck. JC realized that Justin was still asleep and was probably having a bad dream. He tried to push him off, but couldn't. Pretty soon he wasn't even going to want Justin to get off of him. "JUSTIN!" JC yelled right in his ear, "WAKE UP!!" He shoved Justin as hard as he could and Justin sat stright up with his eyes wide open. JC sat up beside him. "Just? Are you okay?" he asked, "Were you having a nightmare?" Justin looked confused for a second and then his face went beet red. "Yeah," he said. What JC didn't know was that Justin hadn't been having a nightmare at all. Not even close. He had been dreaming about JC. They had been making out on the tour bus, in Justin's bunk. Justin kept telling JC to stop because the guys were gonna find them, but JC said it was okay, that the other guys were on another bus. And then he had undone the fly on Justin's jeans and...Oh God, Justin thought, it had been so good. But had he been talking out loud? "It's okay," JC said, "you just kind of surprised me, that's all." "Why?" Justin asked, "What did I do? "Well you jumped on me out of nowhere," JC said. Justin looked down at the bed and his face turned even more red than before. He was completely embarrassed. Could JC tell that he was still a bit excited? "Do you wanna talk about it?" JC asked. "Uh, no. It's okay," Justin replied. "Okay," JC said. Justin suddenly remembered the night before. He had slept with JC. In the same bed. Together. He smiled. "How are you?" Justin asked. "I'm okay," JC said, "Or at least I will be eventually. Justin took his hand. "You know I'm here for you, right?" he said. "Yeah, I know," JC said with a smile. They sat on the bed for awhile, their hands clasped, bathing in the warm morning sunlight. "I guess I should go back to my room and have a shower or something," JC said. "Yeah, okay," Justin replied, reluctantly letting go of JC's hand. He watched as JC got out from under the covers and walked over to where his clothes lay in a pile on the floor. Justin liked everything about JC's body, the way he moved, how he was skinny, but not scrawny, his perfect washboard stomach. Even JC's hands made Justin hot. JC slipped his pants back on and Justin watched them slide over his cute little ass. Then he pulled his shirt over his head and sat down to put his shoes on. "Josh, you're just going across the hall, you don't need to put your shoes on," Justin said. "I know," JC replied, "I guess it's just a habit." Justin got out of the bed and stretched, unaware of JC's eyes roaming his body. Then JC walked toward the door. Justin followed. Before he reached out for the handle, JC turned around. "Thank you, Justin," he said, "I don't know what I'd do without you." Justin stepped closer to JC and hugged him. "I don't know what I'd do without you either," he replied. JC pulled away and smiled. Then Justin opened the door for him and JC stepped out into the hall. "Hey guys!" came a voice form behind JC. They turned to look down the hall and saw Lance and Chris heading toward them. "Weren't you wearing that when you left last night?" Lance asked as he approached JC. "Hey, you were supposed to spend the night with Luke, not Justin!" Chris said. "Shut up, Chris!" Justin said. "I see your mood hasn't changed since last night!" Chris replied. JC's head shot back to Justin. "You were in a bad mood last night?" he asked. "No!" Justin replied. "Yeah, whatever!" Chris said, "I thought you were gonna hit me every time I opened my mouth!" "Maybe you shouldn't open your mouth if nothing intelligent's gonna come out of it!" Justin shot back "Was it because of me?" JC said. "I wasn't in a bad mood! I was just tired!" Justin said, exasperated. Chris started to open his mouth, but Lance slapped a hand over it. "We're just going to Joey's room and then we're all gonna do something. You guys wanna come?" he asked. "Uh, I'm kinda tired," JC said, "I think I'll just stay here." "Okay. Justin?" Justin looked at JC, who was looking at the floor. "I'm gonna stay here, too," he said. JC's head shot up. He hadn't expected Justin to stay. "Okay, then we'll catch up with you later," Lance said. He took his hand off Chris' mouth, but thought better of it when Chris immediately started to talk. Instead he slapped it back down and dragged Chris down the hall with his other hand. A few seconds after they were around the corner, Lance let out a big yell. "I can't believe you bit me!!!" he said. Justin and JC laughed as they heard Chris let out a high pitched gigle. "You know, you don't have to stay here because of me," JC said. "I know. But I don't feel like going out," Justin replied. "Okay. I'm gonna go have a shower and then maybe we can hang out later." "Sure." JC walked across the hall and went into his room. Justin smiled and shut his door. And there you have it. Is anyone getting frustrated yet? I promise they'll eventually get together. There's just gonna be some bumps in the road. I'm on a roll right now, though, so you shouldn't have to wait too long for the next chapter. Hopefully there'll be a little more action in it. As always, e-mail me and tell me what you think, or what you want to happen! Talk to everyone soon!