Sherlock
or
The curious case of the boy and the chimney
An idle tale by Ivor Sukwell
I
turned myself a little away from Holmes; I would have turned my back on him,
but, as I was conversing with him, to do so would have been most disrespectful.
Many
times have I reprimanded him on his behaviour, but to no avail; still he sat,
his silk gown unfastened, his legs spread wide, one of his `irregulars' on his
knees between them.
This
one I took, by the unruly curls of his unkempt hair, to be Jimmy, come, as one
such came each early evening, to make report of all that had been observed in
the day.
"It
is most improper, Holmes," I admonished, "To behave in such a manner. The boy
cannot be but twelve years old, and yet you subject him to such depravity. It
is not good, Holmes, it is not good at all!"
"It's
alright, sir," the boy said without moving his head from where it was, "I have
no mind of it. Truth be told, I like it more than some, sir. And I be thirteen
now, and that be more than old enough, I think."
"You
see, Watson," Holmes drawled, "The boy raises no objections, why then should
you?" He ruffled the untamed curls on the boy's head in a manner that might
have been almost affectionate.
"But
what of his mother? What would she have to say should she see how you behave
with him? And his father. He may be a docker, Holmes, a man of exceptional size
and strength."
"When
did you last see your mother?" Holmes asked the kneeling boy, and though I
could not hear his mumbled reply, I had no need as Holmes repeated it for me.
"He
believes some three weeks since," Holmes said, a note of triumph in his voice,
"And as for his father, be he docker or no, you may be sure that the one has no
knowledge of the existence of the other."
"And
Mrs Hastings? I believe she would have much to say on the matter!"
"Mrs
Hastings is a person of most admirable qualities," Holmes accepted, "And
amongst them is her understanding of my particular ways. She may possibly have
some reservations in her mind, but would never voice them. Come, Watson,"
Holmes said in that voice of his that declared the argument over, "You were in
India, were you not? Sights such as this you must be acquainted with."
"Indeed
I was, Holmes, often so. But this is London and not India!"
"Indeed
it is, Watson, and it being so I must demand that you open not that window. The
climate here is not as it is in India, and this being February, the air outside
is somewhat cold."
I
have been friends with Holmes for several years, but this peculiarity of his
still annoyed me. I had made no move from my chair towards the window, yet
still he knew I had it in my mind to throw it open!
`It
is not good for the health," I made my defence of my desire for fresh air,
"Yours and more so the boy's."
"It's
less noxious than the winter fogs, sir," the boy chirruped, raising his head
and turning grinning eyes on me, and indeed, in that I could not but agree; the
London air in winter was not air any would wish to breathe. "And I hardly
notice it, Doctor," the boy smirked at his insolent use of my title, "Whilst I
am thus engaged. Mr Holmes blows his smoke above my head."
Jimmy,
if that was the boy's name, Holmes had more than a dozen such `irregulars' and
telling one from another was not always a simple matter, returned his head to
the duty he was performing, and Holmes, with a triumphant leer, exhaled his
noxious pipe smoke above the boy's unruly curls.
It
was not that Holmes sat in his chair, his legs apart and a boy fellating him
that I objected to, but the foul smoke that emanated from his pipe; smoke not
from tobacco, but from some weed grown in warmer climes that could rob a man, or
boy, of his senses.
"My
use of hemp you raised great objections to, Watson, as also you did to my
indulgence in the extract from the white poppy of Northern India, and that I
may remind you, much use is made of in your profession, and now you would condemn
me for my use of this harmless weed. Shame, sir, shame. It aids my thinking
considerably."
"Aids
more as well," the boy, who I decided was indeed Jimmy, raised his head again
from his administrations, "Gets this most pleasingly hard."
"And,
I believe, the little you inhale greatly improves your performance," Holmes
again ruffled the boy's hair, returning him to his duty, "Perhaps you may
discover the medical reason for this, Doctor. I would be most obliged if you
could."
"It
has been little studied," I retorted huffily, "It is known that the native
American uses it in his pipe of peace, and so it is considered to be a thing
for savages and of no commercial value. Ergo, it has not been studied."
"It
should be, Watson, it should be. It relaxes the mind, is conducive to thinking
and and greatly enhances performance in another matter. It is, I believe, a
most valuable substance and could be of much benefit to civilised society."
"As
could be the solving of a murder," I reminded Holmes that we had a case we were
supposed to be working on, one that as usual, had confounded the police.
"Ah,
Colonel Moustasa. Slain by a brass candlestick in his Library as I recall."
Though
recounted here as a single, coherent sentence, Holmes' words were in fact,
separated by gasps and deep breaths as Jimmy's task neared its climax.
When
Jimmy had completed his endeavours and risen, licking his lips as he grinned at
me, I enquired of Holmes if he had found a conclusion.
"Elementary,
my dear Watson," he waved a dismissive hand, "The deed was plainly performed by
the butler."
"Yet
was the door locked from the inside, the key still present in the lock, and the
windows shuttered and all fastened, again, as shutters must be so fastened,
from the inside of the room," I reminded the master detective.
"A
mere bagatelle," Holmes remarked, "Mark my words, it was the butler."
"Yet
how could he contrive to enter a locked room, commit a murder and exit again,
leaving the door locked from the inside behind him?"
Holmes
seemed disinclined to answer that simple question, but Jimmy showed no such
hesitation.
"He
didn't, Dr Watson," the boy said, his face sufficient indication that he
thought me both ignorant and a fool, "The door was unlocked when he entered,
and locked only after he left."
"Oh,
yes, Jimmy," I said in my most patronising and sarcastic manner, that being my
habit when conversing with boys, "Of course. The Colonel admitted the entrance
of his butler, and, after he had been murdered rose from the dead to lock the
door behind his departing killer, and then returned, assuming again the
position on the floor he occupied when he was slain."
"No,
sir, the dead can't rise. As a medical man, sir, you should know that. The door
was not locked when the butler entered, and the boy who came down the chimney,
the butler's accomplice Mr Holmes would call him, locked it after the butler
had gone."
"You
see, Watson? Elementary as I said."
"Not
quite," I said, sure of myself, despite the introduction of a boy from the
chimney, "There were no footprints from the fireplace to the door, and how does
one, even a boy, descend a chimney without obtaining soot on his feet? And,
though I grant it is possible for a boy to descend a chimney, how could he
leave the room after? And," I added triumphantly, "Was there not also a fire
burning in the grate?"
"Easy,
sir," Jimmy said, relishing his moment as he had earlier relished another, far
longer and different moment, "A boy like my brother Jacob, sir, could shimmy
down a chimney such as that and bring but little soot down with him. Then, off
with his shoes, leaving them in the grate, over to the door, lock it tight, and
return the way he came. Easy enough for a boy of Jacob's age to climb back up a
chimney; the brickwork of your chimney, sir, is very roughly laid, hand and
footholds everywhere. Boys goes up and down them all the time."
I
must admit that Jimmy's words disconcerted me some, yet I had one more card to
play.
"The
fire was lit," I pointed out, "Surely even your Jacob would not descend and
also ascend a chimney when a fire was lit below?"
"Bless
you, no, sir. The fire was not lit when the boy came down, he lit it before he
went up again. There would be no time for it to take hold proper, sir, though
probably enough to singe his bum if he were slow climbing, but would burn well
enough to clear away any soot that had fallen, and lead all to conclude that
none had gone down and up it."
"As
I said, Watson, elementary," Holmes gloated.
"How
old is Jacob?" I asked of Jimmy, wondering if he were perhaps but six or seven he
would not have wit enough to leave no trace behind him.
"Nigh
on eleven, sir," Jimmy said, "And sharp as any razor is Jacob. And more than
old enough at nigh eleven, sir, if you gets my meaning."
I
did get Jimmy's meaning, the expression on his face made it unmistakable, and
Holmes, naturally saw that also.
"My
dear Watson," he beamed, "Am I to conclude you have hidden some secret from me
all this time?"
"It
should have been no secret to one as adept as you at discovering hidden
matters," I attempted in riposte, "I was many years in India, if you recall."
"Just
so, just so," Holmes nodded in understanding, "And must have been obliged to
make many inspections of the bodies of native boys there, in the course of your
medical duties, no doubt."
"Indeed
I was so obliged," I confessed.
"Would
you want to do an inspection of Jacob, sir? He'd have no objections to being
looked over by a doctor, sir. Inspect him as thorough as you need," Jimmy
enquired and offered.
"He
is near eleven, you say?"
"Very
near, sir. By midsummer he'll be there, sir."
"The
month is now February," I pointed out to Jimmy, who smiled and shrugged as
though a month or several made no difference at all.
"I'll
send him round to you tonight, sir," Jimmy stated rather than offered, "He'll
be mighty pleased to have a bed to sleep in."
"There,
Watson," Holmes beamed, "The manner of our Colonel's demise is solved and you
have company for the night. What better outcome could there be?"
I
could not but admit that the offered company was most acceptable; boys of such
an age as Jacob's had ever been my favourite, and of such company I had been
sorely deprived, believing that my wooing of Jane precluded me from pursuing
other interests.
I
had no particular interest in Jane, or in any other of her sex, but whilst it
was of no consequence to be a bachelor while in the Army, to be one in civilian
life had many disadvantages. Men such as Holmes, known to be of eccentric
character and with the wealth and connections to sustain such, had no need of
marriage to hold their place in society, but I, as a mere doctor and retired
from Her Majesty's service, enjoyed no such exemptions.
Holmes
had returned his attentions to Jimmy, and to his business as the great
detective that he was.
"Who
has the evening watch?" he enquired of the boy. Holmes' irregulars did not come
upon useful tid bits of information by chance, they searched diligently for
them on London's streets and darkened alleys.
"Jack,
sir," Jimmy cheeped, "He works round Piccadilly tonight, and will report to you
at one of the clock."
Piccadilly
is a place of some infamy, and much valuable information had Holmes' irregulars
obtained there, and earned themselves a shilling or two whilst they did so;
there is no secret that a boy cannot suck from a man if he puts his mind to it.
Jack
was the oldest of the irregulars, a boy of fifteen years, though Holmes
displayed no dislike that the boy had hair now where I have ever preferred
there to be none, and though he would bring to Holmes' attention all he had
learned at one in the morning, so much would he have gathered that it would
take him until nine to recount it all.
Jimmy
dismissed, his duty done and a shilling earned for it, Holmes returned his
attention to me, fixing me with that look of his that said so plainly, that
though I was a friend, yet I was one of inferior intelligence.
"So,
Watson," he commenced, "We know how our Colonel was dispatched, and the manner
of his dispatching, an event of such simplicity that even the police should
have discovered it, but what we do not know, Watson, is the `why' of it. The
butler it was beyond all doubt the one who wielded the candlestick, but why did
he so do? What profit for him is there in having his employer dead?"
"His
name is Spanish," I said thoughtfully, "And being Spanish is but one of the
many names he would have had. Why settled he on that particular one? Did,
perhaps, he have some connections with Norwich?"
"That
he had some distant connection with the family there that produces that most
delicious accompaniment to roast beef?" Holmes mused, "That may well account
for his choice of name, but not for his demise. He would have needed to have
achieved some inheritance to make him worth murdering, and that willed also to
the butler for him to have motive for the deed."
"Had
he then some private means already promised to the butler?" I enquired, for
either money or love are the usual reasons for murder.
"None
of exceptional worth," Holmes shrugged, "And what he had, not so promised."
"Then,
perhaps, had he lived, he would have been in line for such inheritance, and
another disposed of him to gain his place in line?" I was reluctant to dismiss
money as a motive, the Colonel having been one in his mid-fifties, seeming
unlikely to have been a victim of love or amorous jealousy.
"It
seems not," Holmes dismissed that last idea of mine as easily as he dismissed
all such ideas. "An ancestor fought with Wellington in the wars in the
Peninsular, a man of some small status who obtained an English wife and
returned with her to these Isles, establishing himself here. The son reduced
the family name to a mere single word, as is the British custom, though
declining to convert it to an English word.
No fortune was made by any, and our Colonel was, like you, a bachelor, no doubt
for similar reasons, though his regiment, the East Essex, never left these
shores."
"Then
money seems not to have been the motive," I said with some disappointment, for
I could conceive of no amorous attachments an aging Colonel could have made.
"I
must now partake myself of some rest," Holmes declared, clearly deciding that motive for murder had no
further interest to him and ending our discussion, "Jack will present himself
an hour after midnight, and will have much to tell from his forays in
Piccadilly. Likewise you have Jacob to attend to, and being the age he is, no
doubts can there be that his mouth will remain never closed. Boys of that age
are ever talkative and enthusiastic in their urge to please."
Holmes,
I uncharitably thought, may well partake of rest before his Jack arrived at one
of the morning, but I had little time to consider any occupation other than the
writing down of the events at Baker Street, as eleven is two hours before one,
and at eleven I was to anticipate the arrival of Jacob, the young brother of
Jimmy, whose words I must commit to paper, along with those of Holmes and
myself.
I
would be telling other than the truth if I did not confess to some mild
trembling of my stomach and a certain quickening of the pulse in the
anticipation of the boy's arrival, for, as I have said, I have been much
deprived of the company of boys since I became cognisant that my position in
such society as I frequented required me to acquire a wife, though adding such
to my meagre possessions was not a prospect that filled me with delight.
My
modest dwelling did not boast the luxury of a housekeeper nor any other
servant, and thus I was obliged to draw a bath and convey heated water to it
myself, since, as Jacob was presenting himself for the purpose of a full
examination, he would needs be clean for such to be accomplished, and boys of
the street are not, in their natural condition, much inclined to cleanliness,
any more so in London than in India.
I
had scarce completed that task when, to my surprise, Jacob presented himself
upon my doorstep at the precise moment of eleven, knocking upon my door at the
very instant the clock struck its first chime.
Such
particular attention to punctuality is not a common feature of boys, but, from
the wide grin on his pinched face, it appeared that Jacob was most proud of his
achieving of it.
That
grin remained on his features as he divested himself of his clothing with so
little hesitation that I was obliged to ask if he had been examined before.
"Oh,
no, sir," he cheerfully cheeped, "Never before. But Jimmy said that as I was to
be examined by a medical man he would doubtless require me to bathe before, as
he would wish all parts of me to be clean."
Indeed
I did, if his examination was to be thorough, and my heartbeat increased some
as I observed the skinny, scrawny form of the waif as he revealed it.
In
honesty, it was not so different from the forms of those boys of India I had
examined, save that Jacob's skin was white beneath the grime where those of
India had been brown, but no other differences could I observe.
"Jimmy
said it would be best if you assisted me, sir," the boy said as he immersed
himself in water, "Me being most unacquainted with baths and with no knowing of
the parts that a medical man most requires to be clean."
It
was apparent that Jimmy's association with Holmes had had some effect on both
his thinking and his vocabulary, and had transferred itself, in part at least,
to the younger brother, who was not yet enrolled in Holmes' irregulars, but
later confessed to me a strong desire to be so.
Jacob
was so enthralled by his immersion in warm water that he splashed around with
glee, and it would have been impossible for me to assist him and not have my
clothing soaked as I did so, and therefore I removed my jacket, realising as I
did so that jacket alone would not suffice, and other garments would become as
wet as my jacket would have done.
Jacob
made no secret of his interest in my unclothed body, an interest that appeared
to be as great as mine was in his, and I permitted him to gaze his fill.
I
am not, by nature, in any way hirsute, and developed in India the habit of
trimming such hair growth as there was to modest proportions in particular
areas, this pleasing those Indian boys who, like Jacob, had no hair at all upon
them.
Being
as also I am a man of modest proportions, the lack of a luxuriant growth of
hair made emphasis some of what there was, the difference in size between the
adult and a boy of ten never failing to attract attention and some admiration
also.
"Cor!
A real whopper!" Jacob breathed as he observed, much to my gratification.
Bathing
complete and Jacob unwrapped from towels, I congratulated him on there being no
apparent problems with his penis, that now hard and firm and almost sticking to
his flat stomach.
"Me
what, sir?" Jacob enquired, puzzled, and when explained, said, "That's me cock,
sir, and it often turns into a bone like it is now."
I
examined Jacob most thoroughly, explaining to him that, for proper medical
certainty that all was well, there were parts of him that needed to be tested
for taste, and those examinations Jacob greatly enjoyed, in particular the very
detained inspection of his anus made by my tongue.
He
accepted my medical explanation of the peculiar feeling that he felt he needed
to pee when he knew he didn't, that when his cock was in my mouth for some
length of time, and showed no hesitation in having demonstration made to him of
the truth of what he had been told, willingly taking me into his mouth and
agreeing that what spurted therein was most certainly not urine, and
accepting that as his diet was somewhat lacking in protein, all could be
beneficially consumed, which he did with some relish.
Indeed,
I must confess that Holmes' declaration that boys do not know how to keep their
mouths closed was demonstrated beyond question, Jacob's mouth being ever eager
to open, both for cock and tongue, he proving to be as voracious as any Indian
boy had been.
Being
curious by nature and not easily convinced of the improbable, I enquired of Jacob
during a pause in his examination, if he believed himself capable of descending
and also ascending a chimney, as his older brother had claimed.
"Bless
you, sir," he declared, no doubt taking pity on my ignorance, "Chimblies is
most often used by boys to enter a house and lift a piece of silver or two. If
there do be no smoke coming from it then tis most like there be no-one in
attendance there. Then off with the shoes, find what is looked for and back up
again."
"But
would not soot come down with the boy?" I asked.
"Some,"
Jacob agreed, "But soot do be always coming down a chimbley from the birds
above, so no worry is made about it."
"But
would such a boy," I asked, still unconvinced, "Take care to light a fire there
before he made ascent?"
"Ah,
sir," Jacob said with a knowing grin, "That would be done at times by a boy
most careful to leave no trace of his way in and out, for the fire would burn
away the soot. Though, sir, "Jacob tapped his nose on this, "Tis most like only
a boy most familiar with that chimbley would do so, for else well might he get
his bum burned."
Jacob
then returned his attentions to my personal chimney, and heartily sought more
sustenance there from, an endeavour from which I made no attempt to dissuade
him, he clearly being in need of the protein I was able to provide for him.
It
was whilst I was examining the smoothness of Jacob's scrawny form with a hand,
paying particular attention to what he amusingly described as his `bone', an
item of size no greater than my middle finger, but one that Jacob much enjoyed
my careful inspection of, that I wondered aloud why it could be that a boy may
become familiar with a particular chimney.
"Perhaps,
sir," Jacob grinned wide, "Because a boy has a particular fondness for being
examined as you examine me, by a particular gentleman, and the chimbley is the
way he can enter and leave in secret."
There
was no doubt that Jacob had a fondness more than some for the examination he
was receiving, that fondness, I believed, due at least in part to it being the
first such examination Jacob had undergone, and a boy's first examination
always proves to be a most exciting time for him, and therefore his words were
coloured by the careful attention his `bone' was receiving and the nourishing
protein he had consumed, and were not intended as a solution to the mystery I
was contemplating.
"Is
it like," I teased him, "That should you come to think you were in need of some
further examination, that you would visit me by coming down my chimney and not
by knocking at my door as you earlier did?"
To
my surprise, Jacob did not smile at my jest, his features instead taking on a
look of some seriousness and yearning.
"I
would have you examine me as oft as you want," he said a little wistfully, "And
should you wish to knock at my back door, well, sir, I shall soon be eleven and
old enough now to answer your knock, sir, and let you in."
Such
a response I had not anticipated and was more than some confused by the twist
the boy had placed on my innocent, jesting words, but there could be no doubt
that Jacob's reply was not in jest, but delivered with all intent and
seriousness.
"Much
would I like for you to visit me again," I said, as serious now as Jacob,
"Indeed every day would not be too frequent."
That
he was pleased by my reply, I deduced not from his happy grin alone, but also
from the manner in which his `bone' jerked and throbbed in my fingers as I held
it.
"You
are busy in the day, sir," Jacob grinned, "Solving wicked crimes with Mr
Holmes. I believe you would rather have my visits for the nights."
"Then
would you be obliged to visit me by the chimney," I jested, "For you on my
doorstep every night would cause some notice to be made of it."
I
held him close and made some move to kiss him, so affected was I by his offer to
me, and his mouth opened on the instant to admit my tongue and eagerly his
tongue fought with mine, not in an attempt to repel but in desire for the duel
to continue.
"Could
it be, you think," I asked when the need for breath had brought an end to our amorous
conflict with our tongues, "That the boy who descended the Colonel's chimney,
did so for a purpose such as this?"
I
was obliged to explain to Jacob the meaning of my enquiry, he being not
cognisant of the facts relating to the murder of the Colonel, and having done
so, Jacob had no hesitation with his reply.
"It
must be, sir," he said, "That the boy was being bummed by the Colonel or the
butler, perhaps by both, sir, else would his arrival from the chimbley have
caused some consternation."
"But
would not the arrival of the boy in such a fashion for the purpose you
describe, necessitate the presence in the Library of a bath? A butler may, but
a Colonel would not engage in such activity with a soot covered boy."
"Bless
you, sir," Jacob once more underlined my ignorance, "If he's coming for regular
bumming, sir, the chimbley would be kept clean, no fire ever lit there. The boy
removes his clothing, no soot beneath it, no bath needed."
At
this point I had my first intimations that Holmes' miraculous solutions to many
mysteries came not from the sharpness of his mind but from the words of his
irregulars.
It
had, I recalled, been Jimmy and not Holmes who had talked of a boy coming down
the chimney and locking the Library door behind the departing, murdering butler,
and now young Jacob had supplied a possible motive.
"You,
Jacob are a genius," I told the boy who smiled very nicely at me.
"Am
I, sir?" he sweetly chirruped, "I don't know what one of them is, sir. Does it
mean you want to examine me again?"
"It
means that you are very clever," I told him, and told him also that he was just
the sort of boy I liked to examine, information that seemed to please him more
than being told he was clever.
"I
can find another way in, sir," he proclaimed with every degree of seriousness,
"I won't have to come down your chimbley."
"You
won't," I declared, "You will ever enter through the front door."
"And
you can enter my back door," he giggled with an evil grin. "Jimmy said you
would probably want to."
How
Jimmy, a boy I have had but few words with, and those only in the presence of
Holmes, had come to that conclusion, only added to my growing feeling that the
irregulars and not Holmes, were the solvers of many mysteries.
"That
was most perceptive of Jimmy," I said, "Though I fear he may have come to that
conclusion before I did so myself, though now, I confess, that he and I are in
accord."
"Does
that mean you want to, sir?" Jacob asked, face full of hope.
"It
does, Jacob, though not tonight. Your back door will need much examination by
tongue and fingers before you permit me to open it properly."
Any
disappointment Jacob may have experienced at my delaying the opening of his
back door was dispelled by the thought of further examination of it,
particularly if such examination was of an oral nature.
"Oh,
yes, sir," he enthused, "I liked it much when you poked your tongue in me."
"As
did I," I assured him, "But, Jacob, I would like to discover more of what you
may have to say about the boy who came down the Colonel's chimney. Sulking is
not necessary," I admonished him as he began to display a pout, "I shall
continue my examination of your penis whilst you do so."
"My
cock, sir," Jacob corrected me, "It don't sound right if you gives it a fancy
name."
"Very
well, Jacob," I conceded, "Your cock it is, and I shall ever name it so."
"Thank
you, sir," the waif smiled and jerked the item under discussion to display his
approval. "What you want to know about the boy and the chimbley?"
"You
were of the opinion," I reminded him, "That the boy was in all probability a
frequent user of that chimney so he could arrive in secret to be `bummed' was
the word you used."
"Yes,
sir. That means having a cock put inside your back door, sir," he explained,
believing I had no understanding of the word. "Like what Jimmy said you'll be
wanting to do to me, sir," he added to make clear his explanation.
"Yes,
thank you, Jacob," I said, "I believe we have established the veracity of
that."
"That
means you do want to, don't it, sir?"
"Yes,
Jacob, it means precisely that."
"Good,
sir. Ooohh, that feels nice, sir," Jacob sighed as I paid some particular
attention to his foreskin, a small, but exceedingly important and sensitive bit
of skin that I knew from my medical training and experience that boys may
obtain considerable pleasure from, as so many nerves come to an ending there.
"And
who, Jacob, do you believe the boy was accustomed to being bummed by? The
Colonel or the butler?"
"Must
have been the Colonel, sir, cos it were the Colonel's chimbley what he came down.
If he were being done by the butler, sir, he'd have come down a different
chimbley."
"And
could he not have made mistake of one chimney for another?"
"Bless
you, no, sir. The butler's chimbley would have been on a different part of the
roof, sir, and butlers always has their fires lit, so if it were the butler
what was bumming him he wouldn't have used a chimbley."
"Elementary,
my dear Watson," I murmured, which indeed it was, but only so if one was fully
cognisant of chimneys and their locations.
`So,"
I mused, using Jacob to rehearse what I might say to Holmes on the morrow, "If
it was the Colonel who was bumming the boy, and, as the boy was wont to enter
and leave by the chimney, he was doing so in some secret, why was the Library
door unlocked so the butler could enter?"
"Masters
don't have no secrets from servants, sir," Jacob stated, "Some likes to think
they has, but none don't really. I knows that, sir," Jacob explained, "Cos our
mum was a servant once, `for she got put out, sir, for getting herself with
child."
"Something
she could not have achieved by herself," I said dryly.
"No,
sir," Jacob concurred, "That's why she said kitchen boys has it easy, sir, cos
no matter how hard a master may try, no boy can get put up the duff. But with a
maid, sir, it needs only take one go an' she's got a bun in her oven."
Jacob's
language was some what colourful though he made his point as plainly as any
academic might have done, but I was obliged to remind him that we were
considering chimney boys, not kitchen boys.
"Yes,
sir," Jacob consented, "But `tis the same thing, sir. Don't matter how secret
the Colonel thought it was, the butler would have known he was bumming a boy on
the quiet, so no need to keep his door locked, sir, the butler knowing not to
enter while the boy was there."
"And
other servants?"
"Oh,
they'd all have known as well, sir. Just wouldn't have let the Colonel know
they knew."
"So,
if one was to have a boy one wished to bum," I said, "It would be prudent to
have no servants."
"Unless
the boy was the only servant, sir," Jacob grinned suggestively, "No need to
keep it a secret from such if it's him what you's bumming, sir."
I
could not help but begin to believe that Jacob was proposing a situation that
would enable him to be regularly examined and avoid unwanted notice being made
of the frequent visits that would perforce be necessary for that to occur, and
enquired of him if he had no desires to be enrolled amongst Holmes' irregulars.
"I
did, sir," he said, "But I think I may have more liking to assist in medical
matters. I do much like being examined, sir."
`And
are," I smiled at him, "A most pleasing subject to examine," and returned to
that enjoyable duty, dismissing from my mind all thoughts of chimneys.
Though
I passed a very pleasant night, rising from my bed after some less slumber that
I had become accustomed to but feeling most content, Holmes, by his appearance,
had been less fortunate. Dark circles were around his eyes, indicating some
severe lack of sleep, and he was obliged to inform me that Jack had discovered
so much of import in Piccadilly, that it had taken till past dawn for him to
recount all.
There
was nothing, though, that pertained to the Colonel and his murder, a matter
Holmes, by his demeanour appeared to consider solved and closed, and he lit
again his foul pipe, filling his room with unpleasant smoke.
Perceiving that his mood was unlike to
improve, I prescribed a healthy dose of laudanum, and sought Mrs Hastings that
she might acquire it for him.
"Really,
Dr Watson," she said, concerned as always about her lodger, "Mr Holmes works
far too hard. Often, as he did last night, listening to one of his irregulars
report, no doubt making connections with that sharp mind of his between what he
learned and what he knew, all through the night when he should have been
sleeping like an ordinary man."
I
added my concerns to hers, whereupon she turned on me and said that I was
little better.
"A
medical man like you, Dr Watson," she declared, "Should know better than to
behave as you do. You are not in the Army now and have no batmen to wait on you
but live alone, no doubt in some state of disorder. You should take in someone
to keep house for you, otherwise your health will be affected."
"Being
a bachelor as I am, it would be most inappropriate for me to take in a
housekeeper, Mrs Hastings," I pointed out, "And I fear my means do not stretch
to the employment of a butler."
"Then
take a boy," Mrs Hastings declared, "A boy can clean as well as any maid, and
the cost of a boy is quite small. You must have someone, Dr Watson, what with
all your doctoring and the writing you do for Mr Holmes."
Chastened
and chastised, I retired to a coffee house for some breakfast and after to my
modest home, thinking to go through all the notes I had made in hope of
obtaining some enlightenment on the motive behind the Colonel's murder.
Holmes,
of course, would achieve the solution in an instant were he to put his mind to
it, but that, at the present he was disinclined to do, so I hoped my ponderings
may be of some use to him later.
In
the afternoon, while I was toasting some crumpets to have with tea I had
freshly made, a knock at my door announced the unexpected arrival of Jacob, a
now familiar grin on his urchin face.
"A
little early for an examination," I teased him and was rewarded by an extension
of his grin.
"Never
too early to be examined by you," he cheeked, but as I was engaged in
attempting to locate a motive for the Colonel's murder, I invited Jacob to have
tea and crumpet instead of making prompt examintion of him.
"Word
is," Jacob said between mouthfuls of crumpet, "That this Colonel of yours was a
bit of a one for boys."
"Was
he indeed?" I put another crumpet on the fork to toast.
"Seems
several have been up and down his chimbley."
"Have
they, indeed?" I said, concentrating on burning neither the crumpet or my hand.
"And
when he's had enough of one, he tells him not to come again and finds another."
Such
behaviour, though reprehensible, is not that uncommon, and I thought Jacob's
gossip to be of little importance.
"Course,"
Jacob said, "There be some boys don't have a liking for that."
"I'm
sure they don't," I said, "That is not a proper way to treat a boy."
"That's
what I said to Jimmy. I said Dr Watson wouldn't treat me like that, and Jimmy
said I couldn't know that till you'd been in my back door, cos there's lots of
men who only want to go in a boy's back door once, and when they been in there
they wants a new one to go in."
"Jimmy
is telling you the truth," I agreed, "He clearly has your interests at heart."
"He
does," Jacob confirmed, "He looks out for me, does Jimmy."
Clearly
Jacob did not believe I had toasted that crumpet for myself as he removed it
from the fork, and having smeared it deep with butter, conveyed it to his
mouth.
"Anyways,"
Jacob said, crumpet consumed, "I said secrets can't be kept from servants,
didn't I, and the boy what's been going up and down your Colonel's chimbley for
a month or more has an uncle."
"Some
boys do have uncles," I said, putting another crumpet to toast.
"I
knows that!" Jacob sniffed, "But this boy's got an uncle what's a butler."
"You
know the identity of the boy?" In my surprise I dropped the fork and crumpet in
the fire.
"Ah,
you gone wasted that one," Jacob moaned as the flames consumed the crumpet,
"You needs someone what can look after you, you does."
First
Mrs Hastings and now Jacob! Was I to have no peace?
"Nah,
don't know the boy," Jacob returned to his tale, "But his uncle, the butler,
been mouthing off about how bad his nephew was treated and how glad is he that
his employer got dead. You going to stick another one on the fork to toast, or
you want me to do it for you?"
I
passed the toasting fork to Jacob and had to confess to some surprise at the
deft way he handled it and how well he toasted crumpets.
"So,"
I sighed," Holmes was right. The butler did do it."
"No,
sir. The Colonel had just returned from Spain you see, sir, and hadn't had a
boy down his chimbley for weeks, so the boy's uncle said. Was months ago his
nephew climbed up and down it."
"Oh,"
I said with disappointment, the case no longer solved.
"Mr
Holmes tell you all about it when you see him tomorrow, sir. He'll have worked
it all out by then."
"No
doubt he will, Jacob, no doubt he will. Mr Holmes has a much sharper mind than
I."
"That
he has, sir," Jacob handed me a toasted and buttered crumpet, even poured me
another cup of tea, no doubt in some sympathy for my lack of wit.
There
being now no need for further perusal of my notes, and having time on my hands,
I wondered if perhaps Jacob would be interested in a further examination, which
he consented to, requesting that I paid particular attention to his back door
as he was anxious to determine if and when it would be in a proper condition to
be opened.
I
was most pleased to discover that his doorway was clean, and commented on that,
to which he replied that he felt he would be most accomplished at any cleaning
I wished him to do should he be given the opportunity, whereupon I confess that
I gratified myself greatly by examining him orally both front and back, and so
much time was consumed by that examination that he was obliged to spend a
second night in my bed.
It
was in a most cheerful mood that I descended on Baker Street the following
morning, Jacob having risen early to provide me with eggs boiled for breakfast,
an achievement I had not thought a boy not yet eleven to be capable of.
Holmes
also was in a cheerful mood, the laudanum clearly having been beneficial,
greeting me with the announcement that, as he had thought, the butler did not do
it.
"Elementary,
my dear Watson, elementary," he declared, "So elementary a boy could have
discovered it. It was not the butler, but the foreign gentleman who paid the
Colonel a visit that very afternoon, who was the culprit."
"But
I thought you said it was the butler," I protested.
"You
misheard me, Watson, misheard me. And not for the first time, may I say. Did I
not actually say that it was too obvious that the butler would have done it?"
"Perhaps
you did, Holmes, perhaps you did, and I mistook you."
"You
must really learn to concentrate, Watson," Holmes waved a hand at me, "You are
like to prescribe mercury when you intended laudanum else, and mercury is for
the French disease, is it not, and not for sleepless nights?"
"There
are times when mercury is needed following sleepless nights," I muttered
darkly, though I believe Holmes heard me not.
"Our
Colonel," Holmes pontificated, "Had recently been to the continent, to Spain in
particular, where it appears he indulged in an unfortunate attachment with the
young son of an Italian gentleman who was visiting there. The Italians, Watson,
especially those from the south of that country, are known to become most
inflamed if they perceive their honour to be impinged, and this Italian did not
consider a mere Colonel to be of rank sufficient to form an attachment with his
son.
Accordingly, he came to London to make his feelings known, and having done so,
departed at once again to Italy, leaving the butler to discover later the body
in the Library."
"Very
convincing, Holmes," I agreed, "But that does not explain the Library door
locked from the inside."
"Is
not the first duty of any servant to his master?" Holmes said smugly, "And so
it was with the butler. Wishing to avoid any scandal, and now in need of
alternative employment, and no reference possible, the Colonel being dead and
unable to write one, the butler, knowing as he did of the comings and goings of
his nephew to the Colonel before he departed for the continent, made request of
that boy to descend the chimney once more and to lock the Library door, and
thus present the police with a mystery he knew they would be unable to solve."
"Amazing,
Holmes," I said in some awe, "But he did not take into account that you would
take an interest in the event and thus solve the mystery."
"He
did not," Holmes preened, "And that was foolish of him. And speaking of
foolishness, Watson, I was paid a visit by Jimmy, who has words he wishes to
say to you concerning some foolishness of yours."
What
that could be, I had no idea, Jimmy having sent Jacob to me for examination I
felt that could not be the cause, though otherwise it may well have been.
"Do
you know anything about an Italian gentleman?" I demanded of Jimmy who was
waiting for me at Mrs Hastings' door, Holmes' miraculous solution to the
mystery being still on my mind.
"The
one I told Mr Holmes of yesterday?" Jimmy asked, "The one the butler said came
to visit the Colonel and left in haste after?"
"The
very same," I said, my suspicions confirmed.
"No
more than what I told Mr Holmes," Jimmy shrugged in the way boys do, "That the
butler said there were violent words said between that gentleman and the
Colonel concerning a boy in Spain, and the butler having to talk his nephew
into going down the chimney again so the police would not suspect him of the
murder. I don't know no more than that."
"You
know all there is to know, Jimmy," I said and would have asked him what words
he wished to have with me but he prevented me by saying them without the need
of being asked.
"Jacob
is old enough, sir," Jimmy pronounced,
"But, sir, it is not proper that he should have to come and go, and that
in some secret, each time you wish to examine him. I know you have not such a
sharp mind as Mr Holmes and have not understood proper that Jacob wishes for
employment with you, that he may be examined by day and by night.
A bachelor man like you, sir, may take a boy into employ and none question it
and no secret need be made of his being with you."
Could
this be the reason Jacob had toasted crumpets and boiled eggs? That he
delighted in being examined was beyond question, and that I much enjoyed the
examining of him also, and that I had discovered again the pleasing nature of
having a boy in my bed at night was also beyond question.
"Would
not he find more exercise for his mind were he to become an irregular?" I
asked, not wishing to deprive Jacob of the detective life.
"It's
not his mind he wishes exercise for," Jimmy said in the same tone of
exasperation that Holmes so often used when addressing me, "It's his back door
he wishes unlocked, and that by your key, sir."
Some
trivial mention of that door had been made by Jacob, more so after it had been
examined by my tongue and he had extracted a confession from me that I had a
desire to use it at some future time, which, he being a boy and I a man was no
uncommon desire.
"He
has made some mention of that entrance," I agreed, "And he has some skill with
toasting crumpets."
"And
you some skill with your tongue, sir, when you examine him." Jimmy said with some
force, "That he proclaims most loudly. I would you make an honest boy of him,
sir. Take him in to your employ; he will content you much."
"I
would needs instruct him in the making of coffee for my breakfast, to accompany
the eggs he boils for me."
"He
learns quick, sir," Jimmy persisted, determined on his mission.
"Well,"
I conceded, concluding that I would be ever assailed by Jimmy and Mrs Hastings
were I to refuse to take a servant boy, "I may find some uses for him, I
suppose."
"Much
use, sir, not some," Jimmy insisted, "Some use Mr Holmes might make of him were
he to join the irregulars, but he will be better served with you."
"Yes,"
I said, making some attempt to consider the evidence as Holmes would do, "I
believe he may not yet be old enough to be an irregular, but he is old enough
for me."
Jimmy
showed relief on his face that I had come to a solution. "We had thought that
to be a mystery too deep for you to solve," he grinned, alluding once again to
my lack of perceptive wit, "How did you do it?"
"Elementary,
my dear Jimmy, elementary," I said, relishing the using of Holmes' words, "Jack
has hairs, as do you, but Jacob has none. Quite elementary. Also," I said in
addition, "I believe my chimney is not of a sufficient size to be used as an
entrance, and a fire is always lit. However improbable it may appear that I
have need for a servant boy, employing Jacob as such is the only possible
solution if I wish to examine him with frequency."
I
departed from Baker Street in a most amenable condition of mind, making
reminder to myself to make purchase of additional butter and a container of oil
of the olive. Jacob would require prodigious quantities of butter for his
crumpets and the unused hinges of his back door would need much oiling before
they could used to open that door.
(Holmes
is of independent means, and Dr Watson sufficiently so to employ a servant boy;
Nifty is not so, yet still it contrives to supply material for your reading
pleasure. That some contributions towards its continued existence would assist
it greatly is elementary, my dear reader, elementary.)
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