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It was the early weeks of the month now and nothing had happened between Sebastian and I since Carol's party. We hadn't even talked about what had happened. Thinking about it, we hadn't hung out together since then; in fact, we hadn't even talked much since then. I had to admit, the cycle of Sebastian leading me on and then forgetting about it was making me frustrated. As the week before finals rolled around, I knew that what I imagined happening between Sebastian and I was just that- a fantasy. As one of my favorite authors, John Green, once said, "Nothing ever happens like you imagine it will." My week seemed to get worse when Carol told me Sebastian, Emma, and Lily were going upstate with Emma's parents for winter break. That meant another month without him.
Carol, Sebastian, and I had gotten together in a study room above the library to study for two of our finals: Calculus and Environmental Science. I had thought about it a lot these past weeks as well as talked about it with Ralph and Lea and they agreed with my decision to move to Austin. I planned my moving away on the Monday after finals were over. I only had a few things to do before I left to Austin and moved in to an apartment I had found over there. Now, the Friday before finals, I was planning on telling both Carol and Sebastian at El Vaso.
"Hey guys," I said, closing my calculus book after completing my final review.
Carol looked up first from her environmental science textbook. "What's up," she said.
"What are ya'll doing tonight?" I asked.
"No plans," Carol said.
"Yeah, no plans either. Why?" Sebastian aske, not looking up from the review he was working on.
"Well," I said, "I'm going to Austin for the holidays after finals and won't be back till just before school starts again. I'll be playing at El Vaso tonight as a farewell thing and was wondering if ya'll would like to go see me play." What I didn't tell them was that I was leaving to Austin permanently.
Carol nodded, "Yeah, A. That sounds great. I'll be there."
I looked over at Sebastian. "Yeah, I guess I can make it if Carol goes." Since the night of Carol's party, Sebastian and I rarely hung out alone together anymore.
I nodded. "Awesome." I looked back down to my calculus review and feigned interest feeling Sebastian's gaze finally on me.
I had invited Lea and Ralph along with Sebastian and Carol tonight and was planning on breaking the news to the latter after my song. Unbeknownst to me, Sebastian had invited Emma, too.
"Hey, guys. Hey Emma. Thanks for showing up." I glanced at Lea and Ralph, and I could see confusion in their eyes. None of us planned for Sebastian to have invited Emma. Makes sense though, in case Carol didn't show, Emma being there would prevent anything between Sebastian and me from happening. Not that I wanted anything to happen either- tonight was just a goodbye. We scooted down into a corner booth of El Vaso: Emma, Sebastian, Lea, Ralph, Carol and I. We ordered a few drinks while we caught Emma up with El Vaso's history and what it was.
"This is such a cute little place," Emma said. "I love the whole bohemian aspect of it."
As Ralph and Lea continued to alleviate the awkwardness I was feeling with both Sebastian and Emma here by making conversation, I notice Jay Cook three booths down.
"Excuse me, guys. I'll be right back." I stand up and head towards Cook, leaving Sebastian looking at me as I walk away. "Hey, Cook." I smile at him and, what I assume, the rest of his friends.
"Hey, Alex what's up?" Cook put down his beer and addressed me.
"Nothing man. Well, actually, I was wondering if we could talk." I cocked my head in the direction away from his group and he understood. He scooted out of the booth and followed me outside.
"What's up, Alex?"
I gave Cook a smile. "I just wanted to say thanks for driving me home last time, man. I was going through a rough patch and I'm just glad it was you that was there for me that night."
"Right," he nodded. "No problem. " He seemed to be thinking about something when he adds, "Did this rough patch have to do with a Sebastian fellow?"
I laughed, "What? How do you know Sebastian?"
"I don't, ha-ha. After I dropped you off at your house you told me not to tell him, though."
"Right," I placed my hands in my pockets, "Yeah, the rough patch was Sebastian induced, ha. Anyways, I'm actually leaving to Austin next week. This is going to be my last performance here and I just wanted to say thanks again, man."
"Damn, sucks that you're leaving, Alex. I've got to admit, I'm going to miss your performances here."
"Thanks, man and who knows, I might come back down sometime."
Cook smiled, "No. You're not. We both know you won't- but that's OK." I didn't know this was true until Cook said it.
I gave him a sad smile, "Well, we should probably head back inside. I should be going up in a few minutes."
"Yeah, it was nice knowing you for as long as I did, Alex."
"Same, White Piano Player."
I came back to my booth to see Ralph, Carol, and Lea laughing and talking to each other. Sebastian and Emma were whispering something to each other. Emma was smiling- I assume it was good whispers. I sat down next to Carol again and joined in on the conversation for a few minutes.
"OK guys," I said, standing up again after the current performer finished her set. "It's my turn." I walked towards the stage and introduced myself. "Hello. Name's Alex." I looked around to see a good majority of the establishment's guest looking at me. "Tonight is sort of special for me because it will be one of my last performances here for a while. I'll be singing Dear No One by Tori Kelly. It's a really good song and I hope you all enjoy." I sent a smile to my booth and received encouraging waves back from them. I cleared my throat, grabbed the guitar that was available on stage, and began my song.
"I like being independent, not so much of an investment.
No one to tell me what to do.
I like being by myself, don't got to entertain anybody else.
No one to answer to."
If I really thought about it, being single at this point of my life was good. Sure, it'd be great to have someone, but on the most part, it was a good feeling not being tied down by anyone or anything, especially now that I was moving. Looking at Sebastian watching me play, I realized that most of the time being lonely sucked, though.
"But sometimes I just want somebody to hold.
Someone to give me their jacket when it's cold.
Got that young love even when we're old.
Yeah, sometimes I wish that I could grab your hair,
Pick you up, pull you close, be your man.
I would love you till the end."
Being alone was OK. Feeling alone sucked. As I sang, I contemplated on the new chapter of my life about to start. Yes, I'd miss the people here, but starting over would offer me the chance to meet so many new people. Hell, I might even be able to forget about Sebastian and meet someone I could actually be with. Leaving was the easy part, staying gone was going to be hard.
"I don't really like big crowds, I tend to shy people out.
I like my space.
But I would love to have a soulmate that would give it to me someday.
And I know that it'll be worth the wait."
I paused for a few seconds after that last line and saw Sebastian looking at me. For so long, I wanted him to want me and now I think that I'm OK if this doesn't happen. I thought I would have waited forever for him – hell, maybe I would have- but now, I wouldn't have to find out. I could almost imagine being happy without him. Almost.
"So if you're out there I swear to be good to you.
But I'm done looking for my future someone.
`Cause when the time is right you'll be here
But for now, dear no one, this is your love song."
I was so fixed on the idea of Sebastian that I couldn't imagine loving anyone else in his place. With this song, I was hoping to send good thoughts to the Universe and find my No One. It hurt like a bitch but I was done wanting Sebastian to want me.
"So if you're out there I swear to be good to you.
I'm done looking – I'd rather you be here.
But for now, dear no one, this is your love song.
Dear no one- Dear no one, this is your love song."
I finished my song and got a good amount of people clapping for me. I smiled, thanked them, and walked off stage. Walking back to my table, I saw Cook smiling and giving me a thumbs up. I smiled back and waved.
"Alex, that was great!" Carol said. Lea and Ralph nodded in agreement and smiled.
"Thanks, Carol. I actually wanted to talk to you and Sebastian about something. Emma, too, I guess, ha-ha."
Carol looked concerned. "Sure, Alex what's up?"
"Well, about the Austin trip, I'm not only leaving to Austin for winter break. I'm leaving to Austin to stay there."
Ralph and Lea looked at each other. "Oh, you're leaving, Alex?" Emma asked.
"Yeah, I am. I was accepted into a program there. I found an apartment already, too. I'm leaving the Monday after finals."
"You mean you're gone after next week, Alex?"
"Yeah, Carol. We weren't going to have time to hang out next week because of finals and I just wanted to hang out and tell ya'll before then." As I continued to explain my leaving, I look at Sebastian and notice he had been quiet throughout all this.
"Well," Emma said, visibly letting go of Sebastian's hand from under the table. "We're definitely going to miss you, Alex." She offered her hand and I took it. "It sucks we never got to hang out as much as I wanted, Alex. I was in choir and I really wanted to sing something with you." The thought of me hanging out with the girlfriend of the guy I wanted to be with made me my stomach turn.
"Yeah, it sucks, Emma. Maybe if I ever come back down we could," I lied.
"That sounds great, Alex." She smiled.
I had been quiet all evening. What the fuck was I supposed to say? Walking out of El Vaso, I walked back to the car with the rest of the group. Reaching the parking lot, everyone said their goodbyes and walked in different directions to their car. As I open the passenger door for Emma, I tell her, "Hey, babe. I think I'm going to use the restroom before we leave." I hand Emma the keys to the car and tell her to turn it on. "I can't hold it but I'll be back in a bit."
"Sure, Seb. Hurry up though. We have the rest of the night without Lily and I want to take advantage of it." She squeezes my forearm and I reassure her it will only take a few minutes.
We had been arguing a lot recently. Stupid shit, really. Most of it was on her, too. I tried so hard but nothing was ever enough with her. None of it mattered right now, though. I needed to see Alex and smack some fucking sense into him. What the fuck was he thinking, leaving to Austin? Who was going to help me in classes? Who was going to laugh at my asshole comments? Who the fuck was I supposed to hang out with when Emma was being a bitch? Carol? Fuck that.
Sure, Alex and I hadn't hung out in a while. I just didn't know what to say. I pretended to forget what had happened the first night I got drunk. It worked for a bit, until I got shit faced again. Once was an accident, twice was a hobby. Either way, I didn't want to lose Alex. He was one of my closest friends now, even if we were in a weird place right now.
I found Alex barely unlocking his door. I smiled. Slow fucker, I thought. "Alex."
He turned to face me, surprised to see me, I guess. "Sebastian, what are you doing here?" He looked at me and I could see a mixture of confusion and disbelief on his face.
"I wanted to talk to you," I said.
"What is there to talk about?" He said, unlocking the door behind him.
"Don't give me that shit, Alex. You can't fucking leave, man."
"Sebastian," he says turning back to me, "shouldn't you be with Emma right now?"
"I told her to wait in the car but that's not important." I look at him, his brown eyes illuminated by the moonlight. What a weird thing to notice, I think. "Alex," I said, "I thought you weren't leaving anymore. I thought we had talked about it already."
"We haven't talked about anything, Sebastian." This was true. "I'm leaving because I want to, OK?"
"But I thought you weren't leaving after we- " I don't finish my sentence, not wanting anyone to overhear us. I see something in the guy's eyes as he turns back to face me- exhaustion?
"After we?" He sighed. "That's just it Sebastian. I have to leave." He looks around, trying to find something he can't see. After a while, he looks back at me and I see something different in his eyes but I can't place what it is. "All those times- all those times I told you of the person I was crushing on- it was you Ok? It was always you, Sebastian."
I wasn't surprised to hear him say this. Frankly, I had seen the way he looked at me when he thought I wasn't looking- I was flattered, really, and to be fair, I wasn't discouraging him. Fuck, I was actually encouraging him. I look at him as he continues to talk.
"For a second- hell, longer than a second, really- I thought there might have been something there, but that was stupid of me. I can't bear looking at you, knowing how much I want you, and not being able to have you. I can't look at Emma without feeling jealous and ashamed and I can't look at you without feeling heartbroken and- and sad. I'm not leaving for you, Sebastian. I am leaving for me."
Before I have the chance to say anything he raises his hand, "We're done talking about this, Sebastian. I'm leaving." He gets into his car without looking back at me and turns on the ignition. I try to call him back by knocking on his window but he starts reversing. Before I know it, he is pulling out of the parking lot and merging into the oncoming traffic. I am left standing in an empty space. I walk back to Emma and get into the car, silent.
"You ready to go?" She asks.
"Yeah, I think so," I say.
When we get back home 20 minutes later, I immediately sit down on the couch. Emma tries to get me into the bedroom but I hadn't been able to get what Alex had said out of my head. I mean, I had already suspected what he was feeling but him saying it out loud made it real, almost like a physical thing I could touch or feel.
"Sebastian, what the fuck?" Emma looks down at me on the couch and she looks frustrated. "We have nights to ourselves so infrequently, let's just head to our bed."
"I'm not feeling up to it tonight, Emma."
"Ugh, look I get that you're bummed about Alex but what the fuck? You just met him this semester. You'll find another friend. You won't even remember him when we're at my parents." Empathetic as always, Emma is.
"About that," I say. Immediately I see Emma's face change. "Your dad fucking hates me. He doesn't even want me there."
Emma's eyes widened, "So what? You're saying you don't want to go now?"
I sighed, "Ugh. I'm saying I don't want to spend an entire month with your dad just pissing on me. Besides, your dad wouldn't give a shit if I didn't go." It's true. Her dad has expressed his disinterest in me from day one multiple times. At first it was encouraging- forbidden love and everything. Now it was a pain in the ass having to take his passive-but-mostly-aggressive attitude towards me.
"Sebastian," she says, using her stern, angry voice, "I'm leaving next Saturday with Lily. With or without you."
It always pisses me off when she says things like that- like it doesn't matter if I'm not there with Lily. I had to grow up fast when my dad passed away and I would hate myself to miss out on any days with Lily. Emma knew it too, but when she was mad she didn't give a shit about anything but herself.
Not wanting her to know this got to me, exasperated, I say, "You can do whatever the hell you want, Emma."
She's silent for a moment before she says, "I guess I will!" and storms off to our bedroom slamming the door closed. There goes the night, I thought. I decide it'd be best for both of us to cool down before we talk again so I get in my car and decide to drive around. I don't have anywhere in particular in mind so I just turn on my car and head south.
I hadn't even realized that I was driving in the direction of Alex's apartment until I was three blocks away. I stopped and pulled into a gas station nearby. It surprised me that my first instinct was to call Alex up but I remember how he had acted early on tonight. There was no way he would want to see me. This wasn't my ideal place, but hell, it beat going back home or wasting gas just driving around. I stay parked in the gas station for a while before I decide to get down and buy some beers for myself.
I end up buying enough alcohol for three people, place it in my car, and drive a few blocks down. Finding an empty street, I decide to park and down my drinks. If it came down to it, I would sleep in my car. I open my first bottles and down them rather quickly. Five minutes turn to twenty turn to forty turn to an hour by myself. My head is already spinning by the time I moved on to the harder drinks. I decide to turn on the radio and, in this way, make the loneliness feel less lonely.
I scanned through different stations while I took shots of the whiskey I had bought. Rap, Spanish, R&B, Rock, nothing interested me. It was then that a simple little melody made me stop and listen.
"If you're standing with your suitcase but you can't step on the train,
Everything's the way that you left it- I still haven't slept yet.
And if you're covering your face now but you just can't hide the pain.
Still setting two plates on the counter but eating without you."
The Script- If You Ever Come Back. I look around, making sure no one is walking by and I put up the radio. Alex had said if he ever came back down we'd hang out but when I had looked into his eyes tonight I had seen something in them. If he left, he wasn't coming back and we both knew it.
"If the truth is you're a liar- then just say that you're OK.
I'm sleeping on your side of the bed going out of my head now.
And if you're out there trying to move on but something pulls you back again.
I'm sitting here trying to persuade you like you're in the same room."
Smiling at the fucking coincidence, I take another shot of whiskey. At first, I think about Emma and how it feels as we grow apart. Then I realize I didn't really care about Emma right now. I care about Alex. I didn't want him to leave, not because of school or because I'd be lonely- I didn't want him to leave because I couldn't imagine what to do if he was gone.
"And I wish you could give me the cold shoulder.
And I wish you could still give me a hard time.
And I wish I could still wish it was over.
But even if wishing is a waste of time, even if I never cross your mind."
I tried to serve myself another shot of whiskey but somehow I missed and spilled it on my shirt.
Fuck. Fucking. Fuck.
"Fuck," I sighed. These past weeks not hanging out with him sucked. They sucked. I really did want to meet up and hang out but I was too fucking weirded out by my behavior to look past it. Now, with the reality that I wouldn't be seeing him anymore, I missed him.
"If it's the fighting you remember or the little things you miss.
I know you're out there somewhere, so just remember this.
If it's the fighting you remember or the little things you miss.
Oh, just remember this, oh, just remember this."
With no chance to over think it, I downed another shot of whiskey and turn my car on. I didn't know where was I going, except, yeah, I did. I put the radio up and sang at the top of my lungs. I knew I was drunk and I shouldn't be driving but that wasn't going to stop me tonight. I was only a few blocks away and I wasn't going to let Alex leave.
"I'll leave the door on the latch, if you ever come back.
There'll be a light in the hall and the key under the mat, if you ever come back.
There'll be a smile on my face and the kettle on and it'll be just like you were never gone.
There'll be a light in the hall and the key under the mat, if you ever come back."
I parked outside his apartment and looked up to the second floor. His light was on. I turned off my car and downed some more whiskey. I didn't know what I was going to say or what I was going to do but I knew I couldn't let this guy leave. I cared about him too much. I didn't realize this was true until now. I climb the steps to his apartment and knock on his door.
After my night out with the group, I headed back to my apartment to continue packing. I wasn't going to have time to pack during the week of finals so I was getting a head start this week. I had turned on my Pandora and had been listening to one of my favorite playlists when a knock on my door interrupted me. I walked towards the door and opened it.
The first thing I noticed was the smell. Sebastian smelled- no, reeked- of whiskey. I looked at the drunken mess in front of me and noticed that he was having a hard time standing still. "Sebastian, how the fuck did you get here? Are you Ok?"
"Yeah, I am, Alex. Let me in."
I looked at him in this state and was about to say it wasn't a good idea but the alternative was having him pass out in my hallway or worse, him driving back and hurting himself or someone else. "Sure, come in. You can sit on my couch." As he walked inside, I looked out to the hallway to see if someone had driven him here. "Sebastian, did you- did you drive here alone like this?" I noticed that he refused to sit on the couch and only paced back and forth in my living room.
"Yeah. I did. Brew me some coffee." I wasn't in the mood to argue with him tonight and I also didn't want to spend the rest of the night with him drunk. I brewed him a cup of coffee hoping that it would sober him up a bit so he would tell me what happened.
I handed him the cup and he finally sat down. I sat next to him. "What happened, Sebastian?" He didn't respond for a few minutes but he does look less agitated than when he got here. The coffee must be working.
"I came over here to tell you that I don't want you to leave, Alex." I sighed, tired of the same thing. Hell, I was even contemplating just kicking him out right now. I'd call Emma to pick him up.
"Sebastian, I already told you why I'm leaving. I'm not changing my mind"
"That's the thing," he says, "The more I think about it, the more I know that I can't not have you in my life. I really care about you, Alex."
Normally, this would have made me feel great, now, it only made me sad. "Sebastian, I care about you too, but I'm going to go crazy seeing you and Emma together. I know what I want but I also know that I can't have it."
"Why not?" he asks.
I shook my head, "Because I don't want to be that guy." It's true. "Despite how much I care and want to be with you Sebastian, I'm not ok with breaking up your family."
"You aren't breaking us. We were breaking before you even showed up. Lily is the only thing keeping us together," he says.
I didn't know if he meant what he said or not, what I did know was that it wasn't going to be good for either of us if he stayed here any longer. "Sebastian. Please leave," I said.
He looked at me. "No."
"No, I'm not leaving." He reaches over and kisses me. My eyes are open as we kiss, trying, with all my might, to come up with a reason to break it off. I couldn't. Tired of holding back, I let this moment take over. I close my eyes and hold on to his body, bringing him closer to me. He leans on me and pushes me onto my back on the couch. Lying on top of me, he kisses me and pulls my arms up. I know what we're doing is wrong- I know that- but Sebastian has this control over me that makes me not care about anything else other than him. I realize this now. I turn so Sebastian is now under me, pressed between my body and my couch. I begin kissing his neck, breathing him in. I begin to pull his shirt up when the part of me that wasn't thinking with my dick manages to break through for an instant.
I pull my head up, both of us out of breath. "Sebastian, is your girlfriend OK with this?"
He looked at me, out of breath, "Yeah, she knows I went out."
I smiled at the fool under me. "That's not what I meant," I said.
He hesitates for a second, looking at me with his hazel eyes. "Yeah, I know," he said.
We look at each other for a second before he pulls me back to him- kissing me. His lips were like fire against mine. I could taste some of the whiskey he had been drinking, and this made me feel more excited. My hands moved back down to the hem of his shirt and I begin to pull up, exposing his stomach, his chest, and finally his entire torso as I pull the shirt off of him and let it fall on my floor. I kiss his chest, the smell of him intoxicating and I feel him throw his head back. I move down to his stomach and come face to face with his treasure trail and the start of his jeans. I look back up and see Sebastian leaning on his forearms, lust-filled eyes looking back at me.
I unbuckle his belt when I feel him move and grab my hands. I'm disappointed, thinking that he realized, like myself, that what we were doing was wrong. Instead, Sebastian pulls me to a sitting position and begins to untuck my shirt. I raise myself on my knees and let him unbutton it as he leans his face closer to mine and kisses me again. When he finally gets to the last button, Sebastian pulls off my shirt and throws it across the room. He pushes me onto my back and now he's back to being on top. When I think he's leaning down to kiss me again I close my eyes and let out a surprised gasp when I feel his mouth on my neck. I groan as he licks and nibbles and kisses my shoulders and my neck and my ears. I am unable to suppress the shiver that runs down my spine.
I grab onto the curve of his back and feel his bare flesh against my palm. God, I want this so bad, I think. I pull his head back up to mine with both my hands and kiss him, my tongue wrestling his. I turn us to our right but miscalculate the size of my couch and we fall to my floor.
"Fuck," he says as we hit the floor- me landing on top of him. We look at each other for a second and we begin to laugh at our stupidity. The laughter is broken when he pulls my head down. I continue to lick and nibble his chest, working my way back down to his jeans. I give Sebastian one final look as I unbutton his jeans, he looks at me and gives a small nod. I look back down and feel his dick pushing against the fabric of his jeans. I remember the first time I was this close to it in the beginning of the semester- it felt like an eternity ago.
I pull down his zipper and pull his pants down to reveal his black boxer shorts. I can feel my face heat up at the thought of how close to his dick I was. I look back up at him to get an ok but I see only Sebastian looking intently at me, his hazel eyes burning through my own. I look back down and grab onto the hem of his shorts, slowly pulling them down. The head of his dick creeps out as I continue to pull down and reveal the rest of him. My heart beats at a hundred beats per minute and I feel, like, at any moment I would wake up and find out this was just a cruel dream. It isn't. I pull off his shorts and his dick springs up and slams against his naval.
I make eye-contact with Sebastian as I stick my tongue out and lick his shaft. He lets out a long breath as I lick up to his red, swollen head. I continue to lick his shaft up and down, tasting him. His breathing continues to get heavier and heavier as I finally take his head into my mouth, my tongue swirling against his flesh.
"Fuck, Alex," he breathes out. I close my eyes and begin to take him down my throat. "Ugh, Alex. Fuck," He whimpers out as I let him believe I'm stopping half way then suddenly swallow him down, his trimmed, sandy-brown pubes tickling my nose.
"Oh, fuck. Alex. What the hell? Ugh." I continue to throat fuck myself on his dick and reach down to my own, pulling it out of my jeans and stroking it. Slowly, I alternate between deep, fast swallows, and slow, deep ones. His hips buckle uncontrollably until he can't hold back any longer. He grabs my head and begins to roughly throat fuck me. I find it both odd and exhilarating how much I enjoy letting Sebastian take control of me. His breathing is faster and deeper as he continues to face fuck me. All too soon, Sebastian pushes my head off of him and looks at me. Out of breath, he looks at me and says, "I want to..." He doesn't need to finish his sentence for me to understand.
"Yeah, me too. My room." I help Sebastian off the floor and we head over to my room after he leaves his pants and shorts lying on my living room floor. As he throws himself onto my bed I say, "One second." I go to the radio on my dresser, turn it on, and turn it up. A random song is playing that I care little for but I leave it, wanting to hear something in the background.
I stand in front of my bed staring at a naked Sebastian. Before I overthink the situation, I unbuckle my belt and pull off my pants. I lay myself on top of Sebastian with only my shorts separating our bodies now and we roll around in my bed, kissing. "Turn around," he says. I do. I feel Sebastian get off my bed, leaving me face down. He begins to tug on my shorts, revealing my ass to him. I feel vulnerable and exposed, but excited and thrilled. He grabs my ass and smacks it. "You have a great ass, A."
I smile, face down in my bed. "I try," I say. He laughs and begins to rub his dick against my ass. The feeling and thought of him doing this makes me groan and shiver in anticipation. I look back at him and see him, eyes closed and looking up. This was feeling as good for me as it was for him. I reach for my bedside drawer and pull out my bottle of lube. I toss it back to him and he catches it.
He looks at the bottle and laughs. "I knew you were getting fucked."
"Fuck you. I've used this on girls too, you know."
He slaps my ass and laughs. "Right," he says.
He begins to lube up my ass and I close my eyes, feeling his hands on me. I am not tense, I'm more relaxed than I have ever been because I know this is supposed to happen. Everything I've done in the past semester has led to this moment. I notice my radio playing When We Were Young by Adele and I smile as he lines up his dick to my hole.
"Everybody loves the things you do.
From the way you talk to the way you move.
Everybody here is watching you.
`Cause you feel like home, you're like a dream come true."
I feel him begin to enter me. I remember thinking about not being tense and I mentally laugh at myself as I grab onto my sheets, tensing up. I will myself to relax and let out a groan as I feel his length and width inside me, spreading me open. "Fuck, A," he says, "You're on fucking fire." He manages to get entirely inside me and I sigh.
"Fuck, Sebastian," I breathe out, "Fuck me." He grabs onto my hips and begins to gently exit and enter me. I feel him move inside me. My breaths get faster as he picks up speed.
"But if by chance you're here alone,
Can I have a moment before I go?
Cause I've been by myself all night long,
Hoping you're someone I used to know."
He grabs on to my shoulders and rams me, harder, faster. "Shit, A," he says as he rams me again, hard. "You can take a dick can't you?"
I laugh but immediately replace it with a groan as I feel my back quiver from excitement. "Shut up and fuck me, Seb," I breathe out. He pulls out of me and turns me around. I look into his eyes as he pulls my legs up, onto his shoulders and enters me again. "Oh, fuck," I continue to groan as I feel his dick throbbing and moving inside me. Before I can make any other noise, Sebastian pulls in close and kisses me again. The sensation of having him inside me and kissing me turns me brain to mush. There is nothing else, only us.
"You still look like a movie.
You still sound like a song.
My God, this reminds me of when we were young."
He fucks me like this for a while before I grab on to his chest and spin him onto the bed. I sit on top of him, his dick still inside me. I look into his eyes as I begin to fuck myself on him. My dick and balls slap him as I bounce and feel him inside me. I place my hands on his chest for support and grind my ass on him.
"Fuck, Alex. That feels amazing."
I lay my head on his shoulder as he hugs my waist and begins to fuck me again. I let out a deep breath against his neck and close my eyes.
"Let me photograph you in this light in case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were before we realized,
We were sad of getting old- it made us restless.
It was just like a movie, it was just like a song, when we were young."
He was getting closer, I could feel him, and so was I. Sebastian turns me around so that he is laying on top of me again. I wrap my legs around him and he fucks me hard and fast on my bed. I can feel his thrusts get shorter and less of him exits me as he fucks. I reach up and feel the muscles in his chest and arms. Here he was, the man I'd been craving for months, in my bed, fucking me, and I could touch and feel and taste him. I groan and throw my head back as another shudder runs down my body.
"Let me photograph you in this light in case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were before we realized.
We were sad of getting old- it made us restless.
Oh, I'm so mad I'm getting old- it makes me reckless.
It was just like a movie, it was just like a song, when we were young."
In the seconds before I orgasm, I feel my brain turn off. It was like if someone had hit a switch and turned off all the lights inside my head and everything was now running on auto pilot. I could not remember how to breathe any more than I could remember my name or where I was. I feel it then, the feeling of pure, insane, bliss- it was terrifying. Never had I felt like this- it was like my heart and my brain were fighting over which one would explode and kill me first. I begin to cum long, thick shots that arc above my head and hit my pillow. It feels like all my organs have turned to liquid and are forcefully exiting out of me through my dick.
"Oh, fuck," I whimper out. I whimper out. That's all I could do, whimper. I dig my nails into my bed sheet as I feel Sebastian begin to cum inside me as well.
"Oh, oh, shit!" Sebastian screams out. His dick feels like a rock as he pumps himself inside me. I can barely register this as I feel my body begin to shudder and lose control. My nails dig into my bedsheet even harder, trying to keep myself from flying off the bed. Fuck, I thought, this is how I die. Only, I don't die. Instead, my body is going through one of the hardest, most intense orgasms I had ever had and, from the sounds Sebastian was making, we were on this ride together.
I shudder one last time and breath out, "Sebastian," my eyes closed trying to recover from my near death experience. I realize then, how much I like saying his name, not a nickname or a shortened version of his name, his entire name.
"Fuck," is all Sebastian can say as he lays sprawled on top of me. The room is filled with the sounds of my radio and our breathing, the latter being somehow louder and more intense. We lay like this for what feels like hours: him on top of me, me under him.
After a while, he rolls off of me and breathes out, "What the fuck was that, Alex?"
I laugh, unable to understand what just happened either. "I don't know, Sebastian," I say, my voice still shaking.
"You were whimpering," he says, "and so was I." He pauses, unable to understand how forceful and intense our orgasms where. "What the fuck was that, Alex?" he asks again, laying on his back, his dick still hard.
"I don't know, Sebastian," I repeat. I really didn't. Never had I felt an orgasm so intense to the point where I thought I was literally going to die. "I was whimpering," I finally say, breaking the silence between us. I think about how intense an orgasm has to be to leave two grown-ass men in a state where all they could do is whimper. I notice that my nails are still digging into the bed sheets and I let go, my fingers numb and stiff. Neither of us have moved yet. Exhaustion begins to creep into my head as I feel my eyelids get heavier. I move my head to the side and see Sebastian looking the same way I was feeling. His hazel eyes meet my brown ones and we smile. With eyes closed, I think back to my favorite author, John Green, and a quote from one of his novels: "I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once." Before either of us know it, we are both fast asleep.
In the morning, I will wake up next to Sebastian and send an email to UT Austin letting them know I won't be going there after all. I'd rather be part of the program my university offers, if given the chance.
Really, I couldn't leave Sebastian any more than I could stop myself from being crazy for him.