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It had been a week since I had had lunch with Emma but I still hadn't told Sebastian about it. I couldn't muster up the courage, really. I was ashamed to admit that a really big part of me didn't want to tell him in case he felt guilty over what we were doing. I did try to be more distant with Sebastian this past week though, thinking it would fix some of what we were doing. It wouldn't. But I could still think that.
In Mammalogy lecture, Sebastian leaned in close to copy off my notes again. All I could do was slide my notebook closer to him to avoid having him too close to me again. I felt him look at me for a second before he looked back down and copied off my notes. It hurt me to not have him close, but it was something I felt I had to do ever since my talk with Emma.
I saw Sebastian scribble something in my notebook and pass it back to me.
- Are you mad at me or something?
I read what Sebastian wrote and looked over at him. Sebastian looked back at me and raised an eyebrow in concern. I wrote back a reply.
- No. Why?
Sebastian read my reply and looked at me. I gave him the best naοve face I could muster. He wrote something else down and passed the notebook back.
- You've been acting like a dick all week. I don't like you anymore :P
Reading it, I couldn't help but smile at the little tongue he drew for me. Whatever Sebastian and I were, he could tell something was wrong. I scribbled something and passed my notebook back to him.
- Maybe I'm just tired of you :P
After reading it, Sebastian looked up at me to check if I was serious. I found it endearing that he cared about my opinion of him. I smiled at him and winked. He wrote something down and, after giving me the notebook back, he looked up at the board again. I was curious to see what he wrote.
- See you Friday night.
I smiled at his message and went back to paying attention to what the professor was writing up on the board.
Once lecture was over, Sebastian and I walked out together and headed to the parking lot. As we exit the biology building, Sebastian looks over at me and asks, "So, what are you doing Sunday, Alex?"
I continue walking but I turn to look at him. "Sunday? Haven't planned anything, why?"
"Really?" Sebastian says, slowing down his walk so that I have to stop and walk back to him. "I mean, we could probably hang out or do something early on if you want ..."
"You want to do something ... on Valentine's Day?"
"Yeah, well we'll probably just eat and hangout, A."
I begin to feel hopeful at the prospect that Sebastian might want to spend the most romantic holiday or at least part of it with me. I toss these thought away as I remember that Emma was already suspicious about Sebastian, having him spend even part of the day with me might push her over the edge. After some time I look at him and say, "No," disappointing both him and me. "I- I think you should spend the day with Emma. You know, to not have her be suspicious."
"Oh," he says. "Yeah, no, that's probably for the best." That seemed to end the conversation for both of us. We smile and say goodbye to each other as we head to our separate cars.
For the rest of the week, I continue to keep my distance from Sebastian to avoid any unnecessary heartache. By Friday afternoon, I have gone from answering his texts with one word replies to ignoring them completely. I went so far as to tell Sebastian that our usual Friday fling was going to have to be canceled. I couldn't risk Emma seeing any texts or asking any questions about where Sebastian was. Once enough time passed and her suspicions died out, we could go back to hanging out but for now it would have to wait.
My Saturday started out normal and quiet enough. I made myself a nice breakfast and spent my morning catching up on assignments and work. By 5 PM, I got ready to spend the night by myself and I headed to my room to smoke for a bit. I took my laptop out and logged into my Netflix account. I packed my pipe with some high quality weed I found earlier in the week and began taking hits. After about half an hour, my phone began to vibrate and I saw that it was Sebastian texting me:
"Hey, what gives?"
I type out a short reply:
His response came a minute later:
"You've been ignoring me, dude. You mad or what?"
I try to think of a good excuse but only one thing comes to mind:
"Course not, Seb. I got to go though. I'm at the store."
I waited a few minutes for a response but he doesn't send anything back. I place my phone aside and go back to watching Netflix and smoking. Not ten minutes in, a knock on my door grabs my attention. I ignore it, hoping it would go away, but it does not. I drag myself out of bed and head towards my front door. Without unbolting the chain, I open it.
"Liar," Sebastian greets me.
"Sebastian," I say, "What are you doing here?"
Sebastian looks me up and down through the door and says, "You've been avoiding me. Thought I'd pay you a visit."
I look back into my apartment to give me time to think of an excuse for him to leave. "Sebastian," I say, turning back to look at him. "You shouldn't be here."
"You're right," he nods. "I should be inside."
We stare at each other for a few seconds before I relent. I close my door, unbolt the chain, and let him in. "Fine. Come in."
Sebastian smiles at me and walks inside. "So, you're going to tell me what's going on or what?"
"Sebastian, I already told you nothing's going on. I've just been busy."
Sebastian meets my gaze, "You've been busy doing what, Alex? Going to the store?" My silence is answer enough for Sebastian. "By the way, holy shit. You fucking reek of weed." He turns to look at my bedroom where the smell of weed was strongest. "I have some free time. Don't mind if I do." Before I can protest, Sebastian walks through my hall and into my bedroom. I follow him and see him take a hit of my pipe. "Shiiit. This is good dro, man."
"Yeah," I say as I take the pipe away from him and sit on my bed. "It is." I take a long hit and slowly exhale.
"So," Sebastian says as he sits on the bed next to me and takes my pipe. "What's going on, Alex?" I wanted to lie again and say nothing was wrong again but the way Sebastian was looking at me, his hazel eyes meeting my own, I realized I couldn't.
"Emma and I had lunch last week." Sebastian stayed quiet and only looked at me. "She wanted to meet and ask if I knew anything about you. She said you've been singing in the shower and acting ... different. She said that as her little girl's dad, she should know if you were seeing another girl behind her back." Sebastian was silent so I continued. "I told her you weren't seeing another girl. She believed me."
The silence between us kept growing until Sebastian took another hit from my pipe. "Ok."
I looked at him. "OK?"
"Ok." He repeats. "I understand why you were being how you were being." I was glad he understood. I wasn't avoiding him because I didn't like him. I was avoiding him because I did. "You should have told me though, Alex."
"I wanted to, I did." I looked down, ashamed. "I just--"
"Just what?" He asked.
"I just didn't want you to freak out and stop seeing me." I looked up expecting Sebastian to mock me. I was met with a concerned look in his eyes, instead.
"Well, that's just stupid, isn't it?" I saw a twinkle in his eyes and I smiled. "Here," he motions me to get closer to him. I move closer to where he's sitting on my bed and look at him. Sebastian puts my pipe to his mouth and takes a hit. Instead of blowing out though, he grabs my head and brings me in closer to him. His lips meet mine and I feel him begin to breathe out. I open my mouth and inhale the smoke he blows out. I hold it for a few seconds and exhale.
My heart is beating at 100 beats per minute. "What was that for?" I ask.
"It's your weed," he smiles. "I wanted to conserve the smoke."
"Well, alright." I smile.
"So, that's why you wanted me to spend all day with Emma tomorrow, right?"
I nod, "Yeah. I didn't want her thinking you were sneaking out to see someone else. Which reminds me, where does she think you are right now?"
"Oh, she went out actually. Some of her girlfriends invited her out to go drinking and Lily is at my mom's."
I raise my eyebrows in surprise, "So you had time to yourself and "
"-- And I decided to come over and see what was wrong with you asshole, yeah," he finishes for me. "You know I got you."
I smile. "Thanks, I feel appreciated." I look at the pipe in his hands and take it from him. "My turn," I said. I took a large hit from my pipe and grab Sebastian's shirt to pull him close. Our lips meet and I exhale into his mouth. I feel him inhale and move his head away from mine a few inches. He exhales and smiles before he pulls me in for a kiss again. I feel his tongue part my lips and begin wrestling with mine. He pushes me on my back again and lies on top of me, never breaking our lips' hold. He begins to pull my shirt up and I let him. I'm now lying under him, shirtless. I take this opportunity to grab the hem of his shirt and pull up. Now we're both shirtless. Sebastian leans down again and our lips connect once more. We make out for what feels like forever, all the while I can feel the heat on my face increasing at the same rate that my dick is getting hard. It appears that I'm not the only one as I can feel Sebastian's dick harden as he lies on top of me.
Sebastian doesn't have to do anything other than smile as I flip us around on my bed so that I am now laying on top of him. I can feel his hardened dick on my ass as I sit on top of him. I grind my hips and Sebastian laughs. "Oh, shit. That's nice," he says. I smile at him and move my hands down to his belt. I unbuckle it and look into Sebastian's hazel eyes. I feel warmth spread down my back as I look into his eyes.
He is my person, I think.
I place my hand on his chest and feel his warmth- his strength.
"What are you waiting for?" Sebastian asks.
"Nothing," I smile at him. I lean down and take one of his nipples into my mouth.
"Oh. Oh, shit." Sebastian continues to moan as I lick and nibble on his nipples, switching from left to right. I trace a line down from his chest to his treasure trail with my tongue. When I get to his naval, I finish unbuckling his belt and pull down his pants. He raises his hips and I pull his pants off leaving him in only blue boxer shorts. Sebastian's eyes met my own and I lower my face into his crotch. I lick the outline of his hard dick and am rewarded with a deep sigh from Sebastian. I reach into his shorts and pull out his dick, the red swollen head automatically aiming for my mouth. I look back at Sebastian and don't break my hold as I take him into my mouth. I roll my tongue around his head and hear Sebastian catch his breath. I slowly lower my head and feel his dick slide down my throat. He hits the back of my throat and, before he pushes my head down, I swallow him entirely down until I feel his trimmed bush on my nose. "Fuck, Alex. That feels great." I let my throat muscles work on his dick and I feel his hands play with my hair. I repeat my swallowing of his dick three more times, each time his breathing getting harder and faster.
I pull off of his dick and smile at him. "Good?"
"Good," he laughs. "But it would be better if you take your pants off, too." I laugh as I get off the bed and take off my pants. There is an obvious tent in my own boxer briefs and I readjust myself while I look at Sebastian. "You know," he says, "I never thought I was ever going to be with a guy much less make it a usual thing."
I raised my eyebrows, flattered that I was his exception. "Really? What changed?"
He winked at me, "Get your ass over here and I'll show you." I got on top of my bed again and lie on top of Sebastian, only the fabric of our underwear separated our leaking dicks. I feet Sebastian grab and squeeze my ass and I let out a small yelp. "You should lose these, too."
I laugh on his neck and lean into his ear. "You should make me," I whisper. I lean back to look into Sebastian's eyes again and see a twinkle in them. Next thing I know, Sebastian flips me over and is now laying on top of me. He shimmies down and his head lies only a few inches from my crotch. All I can do is stare and hold my breath while I wait to see what Sebastian does next. Slowly, Sebastian pulls my boxer briefs down and looks up at me. I swallow and look back into his eyes. Seconds turn to minutes turn to hours before Sebastian takes a hold of my dick and begins to stroke it.
"I've never touched another guy's dick before," he says as he strokes my dick.
The warmth of Sebastian's hand coupled with the fact that it was Sebastian's hand made my breath go faster and my head start swimming. After a few seconds, I say, "Well, you're doing a great job, Seb."
Sebastian laughs and squeezes my dick. I let out another small yelp and Sebastian laughs harder. "Good, but what I want is actually on the other side of you." Sebastian gently smacks my balls and has me turn around. I feel him get on top of me and feel his breath on my ear. "This is the side I want." He bites my neck before I feel a finger move between my ass.
"Oh, fuck, Seb," I whimper out. I continue to feel his hot breath on my neck as his finger massages my entrance. My body shivers and I feel Sebastian kiss my shoulders. "Fuck." I reached back and feel for the hair of his head. I gasp as Sebastian's finger enters me and I feel it move around inside me. He fingers me for a while before he spits on his hand again and this time uses two fingers to loosen me up. The feeling of his fingers inside me are driving me crazy. Soon enough, Sebastian fits in a third finger. "Fuck me, Sebastian," I groan out. "I need you to fuck me right now."
"Fine," he whispers in my ear. "But first, I need to give you your Valentine's present."
"My what?" I breathe out.
Sebastian gets off the bed and reaches for his pants. In them, he pulls out a small cassette. He shows it to me and walks towards my stereo. "Is that- Is that a mixtape, Sebastian?" He laughs and I see him stick the cassette into my stereo and press play.
"It is what it is, A." I stare at him as he walks over to me again and climbs on top of the bed with me. "Where were we?" I turn over and present my ass to Sebastian and he laughs. I feel him climb on top of me and his dick rubs against me. I hadn't even noticed he had taken his underwear off until I was feeling his wet dick on my ass.
"Say you love me to my face.
I need it more than your embrace.
Just say you want me, and that's all it takes.
Heart's getting torn from your mistakes."
"Oh my God. Is that Jeffrey Austin, Sebastian?" I ask, immediately recognizing the guy's voice.
Sebastian laughs, "Yeah, you said you loved him in The Voice, so I made you a mixtape of his songs and covers."
My smile spreads across my face, "That's the gayest thing in the world, Seb."
"Ha-Ha, really? Because I'm about to shove my dick inside your ass. You shouldn't be talking."
"Do it already, then," I tease.
I feel Sebastian's dick align with my hole and I close my eyes. Slowly, he begins to enter me and I feel his dick gradually fill my ass.
"Oh, fuck, Sebastian," I whimper out. He waits a few seconds for me to adjust to having him inside me before he grabs my shoulders and begins to slowly fuck me.
"Just say you love me, just for today.
Don't give me time cause that's not the same.
I want to feel burning flames when you say my name.
I want to feel passion flowing through my bones like blood through my veins."
Sebastian continues to fuck me and I feel his thrusts deeper inside me. I grab on to my bed sheets as he drives himself faster and faster inside my ass. The room is filled with the noise of his balls hitting my ass, our grunting, and our heavy breathing. Sebastian leans down, grabs my waist and speeds up his fucking.
"Oh, shit. Sebastian, fuck!" I can feel the length of his dick, every vein, every curve, inside me. He is my person, I think again. Sebastian's dick hits a spot inside me that makes my entire body quiver and instinctively release a loud whimper. "Oohh," I moan. Sebastian takes the noises I make as a signal and keeps hitting that one spot inside me. I bury my head in my elbow and cry out. Every thrust he makes is accompanied by a grunt and a moan from me.
"Cause I don't want to fall in love if you don't want to try.
But all that I've been thinking of is maybe that you might.
Baby, looks as though we're running out of words to say
In love's floating new way."
Sebastian slows his thrusts and turns me around without ever exiting me. "I want to see your face," he says. I look into Sebastian's eyes and he begins to thrust inside me again. I rest my legs on his shoulders and my dick rocks back and forth as he penetrates me. I look to his face and see him look back at me. He throws me a goofy smile, leans down and kisses me. Our tongues wrestle in my mouth as he continues to thrust into me. My brain is turning to mush under him. I grab on to Sebastian's back and pull him in close to me, our chests warm against each other's.
"Cause I don't want to fall in love,
(No, no, no, no, no.)
If you don't want to try.
(Would you try sometime?)
But all that I've been thinking of,
(I just think,)
Is maybe that you might.
"I'm getting close," he says.
"Fuck," I breathe out, "me, too." Sebastian moves his face away from me and we look into each other's eyes. Our faces sweating, we smile at each other.
"I'm getting real close," he repeats. I know what he's saying. I know what he wants to do; I want it, too.
"Do it," I say, not tearing my eyes away from him, fearing this moment might be less real if I do. Sebastian's thrusts get shorter and less of him exits me as he thrusts. I claw into his back out of pure, animalistic ecstasy.
"I'm going to--." Sebastian places his hands on my chest and I feel his nails dig into my skin. The pain of it is driving me wild. "I'm going to--." Sebastian's nails dig in deeper into my flesh. My own nails dig into my bed sheets. I can feel the room vibrating around me, blood rushes to my ears. I look into Sebastian's eyes and, in that moment, it is only him and me.
I feel him before I even hear him. "Shit, Alex, God!" His dick hardens within me and I feel every pump of his seed delivered inside me. The feeling overwhelms me and I throw my head back as my own orgasm takes over. My own dick begins to pump out shot after shot of cum that arches over my head and hit the pillows under me.
"Ahhhh," I scream out. My toes curl from the very strength of my orgasm. I shut my eyes trying to gain a form of control but this only manages to increase every sensation I feel, heightening my weed and sex fueled orgasm.
"And baby, looks as though we're running out of words to say
In love's floating new way.
Won't you stay?
Won't you stay?"
Sebastian drops his entire weight on me, exhausted. I let out a loud "oomph" as he lands on me. We lay silent and motionless for a few seconds before he finally rolls off of me and I feel him slip out of my ass.
"I've never had orgasms like these with anyone, you know," he finally says.
I let out a deep, exhausted sigh. "Yeah, me neither." I feel something cold on my neck and see that I came a lot more than I previously thought. My pillow looked like someone tried to hose it down, only instead of water, they used my cum.
I turn my head and see Sebastian lying next to me. He is looking straight up at my ceiling, thinking. While he does this, I look at every detail of his face, trying to memorize it, from the way his nose curves, to the little freckles he has on his cheeks, to the way the light frames his face. I want to remember him like this, forever. I don't want to ever forget him. I see Sebastian turn around to look at the clock on my bedside counter. "Shit," he says as he sits up on my bed, "I need to go, Alex." I'm disappointed because him leaving means he won't be lying on my bed next to me anymore but I understand that he should be home before Emma gets back.
"Yeah, Ok," I say. I see Sebastian stand up and use my shirt to clean my cum off his chest.
"Here," he says, as he throws me my shirt back, "use it to clean yourself up, too." I laugh at the asshole but my laugh dies out as he begins to put his clothes back on. "I'll be back soon, Alex," he promises.
Stay, I wanted to say, don't leave again.
But I didn't say it. Instead, I watched in silence as Sebastian walked away from me and towards the door that would lead him to his girl.
Sunday morning, I wanted so much to see Sebastian, to hold him, to touch him again. I couldn't though, we had agreed he should spend the day with Emma. I had two options: stay by myself in my apartment or go ask around and see who I could go out with. I decided on the latter. I texted Lea and Ralph to see if they were busy and if they wanted to hang out later tonight. They both replied they had no plans. We ended up setting up a dinner at Applebee's and planned on meeting at around 7 or 8PM. When that time came around, I dressed in a light blue button-down shirt and khakis. I had to admit, I looked nice.
I showed up at Applebee's at around 7:30 and went in to see Lea and Josh already at a table. I said hello to them and sat down. We talked for a while about random things, Lea telling us that she broke up with her boyfriend because of some stupid stuff. Ralf was on a hiatus with his girlfriend.
"Well, he's missing out," I said, giving Lea a warm smile.
A waitress comes over and we order our food and some drinks to start the night. When she leaves, the conversation turns to me and Sebastian.
"So," Ralf said, "where's hubby?"
"Ha-ha, fuck off, he's not my hubby. But if you must know, we talked and thought it'd be for the best if he spends today with Emma." I told them about the conversation I had had with her the week before and they agreed that it was best for us to be apart today to avoid her getting suspicious.
"So he still doesn't know that we know about you two?" Lea asked.
"No," I replied, "And I'd like to keep it that way, actually." Lea shrugs and we all take another sip from our drinks. The night goes on like this as we talk and finally receive out food. "I've never been to Applebee's," I tell them.
"Really?" Lea looks around the restaurant. "I love it here. Their margaritas are delicious!" I shrug and order another beer as the waitress comes over. "Also," Lea adds, "Every Sunday they have Karaoke night. You should go up and sing, Alex."
"Ha-ha, what? Is karaoke even a thing restaurants do anymore?"
"Course it is, Alex. The DJ does a round of his own music and then lets two or three people do karaoke. He switches back and forth to keep it balanced.
"Fine, I wouldn't mind doing it then," I said. Music always had a way of calming me down. I could say what I wanted to say through the lyrics of others. We drink for some more time before I feel ready to sign myself up for the karaoke. Ten minutes go by before I hear my name being called.
"Your turn, Alex," Ralf said. I nod at them and walk towards the DJ. Already tipsy, I turn to the DJ and ask, "Hey man, do you have Ahead of Myself by Jamie Lawson?" The DJ looks into his computer for a few seconds before he nods back to me. "Awesome! I'll do that one then." The DJ nods to me one more time before I hear the track start to play. I look back to my friends and wave at them before starting the song.
"Don't want to get ahead of myself but isn't this grand?
Don't want to make a fool of myself is it already planned?
There you go making promises you're never going to keep.
Don't want to get ahead of myself- I'm already in too deep."
I smile to my friends again and see them shoot me a thumbs up. I may not be spending my Valentine's with the person I want to, but at least I had these amazing people with me tonight. I look away from my friends and look around the audience. I look at all these people out on Valentine's dates tonight. I was happy for them I was I just wished I could be with my person, too.
"Don't want to get ahead of myself but isn't this swell?
Don't want to make a fool of myself, like a clown I just fell.
There you go making promises you really shouldn't say.
Don't want to get ahead of myself I think I just found a way."
Someone catches my eye from the corner booth and I'm surprised to see Emma and Sebastian looking back at me. I cock my head, confused as to what they were doing here. Sebastian had told me last night that he planned on taking Emma out to Cheddar's. That's the whole reason I came over to Applebee's in the first place. Either way, I wave to them and am greeted by smiles and waves from both of them. Only one of the smiles mattered to me, though.
"Don't want to get ahead of myself but isn't she fine?
Don't want to make a fool of myself like she's already mine.
There you go making promises you never should have thought.
Don't want to get ahead of myself I think that I've just been caught."
Seeing Sebastian and Emma together, for once, didn't bum me out. I could see the way Sebastian was looking at me and I could tell I could tell he was looking at me more intently than he was ever going to look at Emma tonight. We might have had a rocky week, but the way we smiled to each other proved it didn't matter. I guess, thinking on it, I was spending my Valentine's with Sebastian. Even if I was only able to look at him sitting from across the room, from a table away, I could feel him be with me tonight.
"Didn't want to get ahead of myself I think I just did.
I didn't want to make a fool of myself like a love-struck idiot kid.
There I go making promises I never could have kept.
I didn't want to get ahead of myself but then I leapt."
And I did leap head first. I was taking a giant leap with Sebastian and neither of us knew what was waiting for us when we hit the ground. This wasn't going to stop us from enjoying the fall, though.
"If you dig a little deeper.
Way, way, way, way down into your soul.
You may find a way to sweep her off her feet.
Oh, let the evening let the evening come and go.
I get ahead of myself.
I get ahead of myself.
You may find I get ahead of myself."
I bow my head a little to thank the people that were clapping for me. I look at Emma and Sebastian and I give them both a smile, my eyes lingering a second longer on Sebastian. I walk back to my table and laugh as Lea and Ralph congratulate me on the song.
"That was really good, Alex!" I smile and nod at Lea's compliment and take a sip of the beer I had bought. We spent the next half hour eating some more, drinking, and listening to other people singing karaoke. As my back was towards the DJ, I was unable to see who the person singing was. Some were better than others, but everyone was here to have fun. It was a good night.
Suddenly, I hear a familiar country song start playing, Die a Happy Man by Thomas Rhett, and I turn to see who the karaoke singer is. I blink. I'm surprised to see Sebastian standing up there, holding a mic, and smiling at Emma. He turns back to me and flashes me a smile.
"Oh, my God! That's Sebastian, Alex!" I nod at Lea, but never take my eyes off of Sebastian. He takes a deep breath and starts singing.
"Baby, last night was hands down one of the best nights that I've had no doubt.
Between the bottle of wine and the look in your eyes and the Marvin Gaye.
Then we danced in the dark under September stars in the pouring rain."
I hid my smile by drinking some more beer. Last night was great. I just couldn't believe the guy had the balls to say that up front. I kept staring at Sebastian as he sang. When he did, he would look around the room but every once in a while his eyes would linger on me. When they did, my breath would catch and I'd get lost just staring back at the guy who was driving me crazy. When he would brake eye contact with me and look back at Emma, I felt like my heart had lost a vital part of itself.
"Baby that red dress brings me to my knees.
Oh, but that black dress makes it hard to breathe.
You're a saint, you're a goddess, the cutest, the hottest, the masterpiece.
It's too good to be true nothing better than you in my wildest dreams.
And I know that I can't ever tell you enough that all I need in this life is your crazy love."
Although Sebastian sang most of this verse to Emma, he reserved the last line for me. I smiled back at the guy and I thought about last night. It had been perfect up until he had to leave and go back to Emma. His leaving was always the worst part. I never wanted him to leave, I wanted him to stay. My happy smile turned into a sad one thinking about that and I lowered my head. When I felt Sebastian's eyes on me, I looked back up and focused on him.
"I don't need no vacation no fancy destination.
Baby, you're my great escape.
We can stay at home, listen to the radio, and dance around the fireplace.
And if I never get to build my mansion in Georgia.
Or drive a sports car up the coast of California.
Oh if all I got is your hand in my hand,
Baby, I could die a happy man."
It's a scary thought, thinking how much I care for this guy. I realize that, like the song, if all I had was his hand in my hand, I could die a happy man. I understand that what I'm asking for is nothing out of this world to hold his hand- and yet, it might as well be. But I couldn't help myself.
I was hopelessly in love with him.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit. I just caught myself using the "L" word on Sebastian. I feel panic growing inside me. I look at him as he is finishing his song and some of the panic evaporates.
"Baby, I could die a happy man.
Oh, I could die a happy man.
You know, I could girl.
I could die, I could die a happy man."
Our eyes connect and I feel lightning run through my body. The truth is I was in love with him and I could do squat shit about it. I looked at him as he walks back to Emma and sits. Emma looks back at me and smiles. I smile back.
I was in love with Sebastian.
I was in love with Sebastian and I had been so scared to admit it because admitting it meant is was a real feeling- a real thing that could be broken. I had been in love with him from the moment I had seen him- from the moment he said `hey' in our environmental science class. I had been lying to myself for the longest time to lessen my feelings for him.
Looking at Emma, I realized how selfish it was of me to feel like this for her guy.
I guess I should have learned how to lie a little better.