I had been helping out Sebastian with Lily's party in place of Emma for the past few days. This meant I saw a lot of Sebastian, Lily, and Michele at their place – something I was good with. Halfway through the week though, two days before Lily's party on Saturday, Emma came back. She had stayed a few days longer at her dad's house than expected but she came back a new woman, apparently. Sebastian had told me that she had started cooking and cleaning and essentially "kissing his ass." He told me that, although he was glad she was doing this, he knew that she wouldn't keep it up.


As the day of Lily's party rolled around, I found her a beautiful little headband for a birthday present. I had a hard time finding her something until I remembered that she was a one year old who wouldn't remember what I got her.


Sebastian had also told me what his sister had said about me. When I asked him if he was OK with it, he said it didn't bother him. Having it not bother him bothered me, though. Michele was great, she was funny, smart, and very pretty. From what I had gathered, she was almost a nicer, girl version of Sebastian.


The morning of Lily's party Sebastian called me to ask a favor.


"Hey, A. Are you busy?"


"Nah, man." I said as I dried my hair having just stepped out of the shower. "What's up?"


"Well, I need a favor."


"Anything, Seb."


"Alright. Well, I needed you and Michele to go pick up Lily's cake from the bakery and pick up some other stuff before the party for me that I won't have time to do."


"Yeah, man. No problem ... Isn't this something that Michele can handle on her own, though?"


"Well, Michele has the money but she doesn't know her way around town. I trust you enough to help her out, though."


"Oh, OK. Yeah, let her know I'll pick her up in half an hour then."


"Sounds good, A. Thanks."


Thirty minutes later, I showed up at Sebastian's place and picked Michele up. As we drove around town, she told me about what it was like growing up with Sebastian and what he was like as a kid.


"He's always been kind of an asshole, my brother. I love him, but it's true, ha-ha."


I laughed at the honesty of Michele's words as I turn into the highway. "That's the best part about him, though!" It's true. I loved everything about the way Sebastian was – including his assholeishness.


"So you and him are pretty close, huh?" Michele asks.


"Yeah," I said with a smile. "We got pretty close since we met last semester."


"That's good. From what I've seen, you guys get along great. Which is good because of the problems he's been having."


"Yeah," I said, understanding that the problems she was referring to were concerning Emma.


"So," she says, changing the conversation, "Sebastian told me you used to have a girlfriend, what happened, Alex?"


"Oh," I said, realizing she was talking about Kass. "Yeah, it – it didn't work out. We wanted different things. Then, before we could work it out, she moved away and that was that."


"And you didn't try to fight for her?"


"No," I said, feeling guilty. "I guess I wasn't feeling it."


"It? Why? Was there someone else?"


Was there someone else? Ha-ha.


"You mean, was I cheating on her? No," I lied. "But there was someone else I would think of when I was with her." I gave Michele a sad smile. "So I guess, having Kass break it off was easier."


"Well, that sucks, Alex." Michele paused for a few seconds and stared out my windshield. "This other person, are they still in the picture?"


I had to think about my answer. What did I expect to happen between Sebastian and me? What was my endgame? What was his?


"I don't know," I said. "Honestly, it's a confusing picture."


"Ok, well, tell me about them, Alex."


I glanced at Michele and saw that she seemed genuinely interested in whoever I was talking about. I debated whether or not to share with Michele but ultimately, I decided that no harm would come as long as I kept Sebastian's name out of it.


"Well, ha-ha." I was nervous, surprisingly. I found it hard to talk about Sebastian with his sister – even if I was just doing it anonymously. "I have nothing to say other than I care for them – deeply." As I talked about Sebastian, I could imagine his face, the color of his eyes, and the way his body fit perfectly on my bed next to me. "Everything about them – from the way they talk to the way they move – is ... right. You know? Like, I wouldn't change anything about them – even their tiny quirks. They're my person."


She nodded, "And have you told them this?"


"Yes, I have. A few months back, actually. I was planning on moving up to Austin but I convinced myself to stay after letting them know what I felt."


"So why aren't you guys together, then?"


I looked away from Michele and towards the road ahead of me. "I don't know where we stand – it's complicated."


Michele's eyebrows furrowed, "You keep saying that. What do you mean it's complicated?"


I shrugged, "I mean, there's drama and other stuff going on in the background. It's not as easy as I imagined or hoped it'd be."


Michele looked away from me and began scanning my radio stations. She made herself at home in my car – just like Sebastian would have done. "Well, I don't know, Alex. Being in love with someone shouldn't be hard. It's something that just happens and either you are or you aren't. The other stuff – the drama – that is just something extra that you just have to work through."


I pondered on the words Michele was saying in silence while she kept moving through my radio stations. She stopped on one of the more popular radio stations. "Oh, I love this song!" Michele began to sing Shawn Mendes' This is What it Takes.



"I watch your troubled eyes as you rest,

And I fall in love with every breath.

Wonder if those eyes are really shut,

And am I the one you're dreaming of?"


"You can sing?" I ask, incredulous.



"Of course I can," Michele laughs. "Sebbie and I were in choir in high school."



"I didn't know that," I laughed. I knew Emma had been in choir, but Sebastian had never told me he was in it, too. I smiled imagining Sebastian as a choir boy.


"Yeah, he was, ha-ha! Sebastian tells me you sing too, by the way." She nodded her head at my radio, "Sing the next verse." She wasn't asking, she was telling me – something I was used to Sebastian doing. I looked at Michele, smiling at me, and I could see the resemblance her features had with Sebastian's: the same colored eyes, the same curve of the lips, similar noses – it was as if Sebastian was looking at me.



"Fine," I laughed and looked back towards the road.





"You keep on telling me I'm wasting time.

But to call it wasting time, oh, that's a crime.

And you think it's crazy what I'm trying to do.

Well baby, I'm a fool for you."


It was easy talking to and being with Michele – as easy as it would be with Sebastian. I could almost see me moving on from Sebastian and being with Michele, instead. I wasn't stupid, I could read the vibes I was getting from her and it would be easier – it would be a hell of a lot easier to settle for her. I'd be with someone who was just like Sebastian, they'd love me and I could love them back. We could be happy and we wouldn't have to hide. But it wouldn't be Sebastian. Well baby, I'm a fool for you.





"Cause if you don't understand yet.

Then I'll never let you forget.

That you don't have to do this on your own.


I'll be your shoulder to lean on.

I'll be your right when you feel wrong.

So come on, take my hand, we're moving on."



Our voices harmonized perfectly but she wasn't Sebastian, though. No one else could ever be Sebastian. And as stupid as it may sound, I would go through hell and wait for him for as long as it would take. I didn't like being his secret, but I also wouldn't like not being with him at all. If running around in secret was what it took to be with him, then I'd keep doing it. I'd keep doing this for him.


"And if this is what it takes,

Then let me be the one to bare the pain.

Oh, and if this is what it takes,

Then I'll break down these walls- these walls that are in our way.

If this is what it takes."

Top of Form



Michele and I got back to Sebastian's house with all the stuff that he needed and Bottom of Formwe continued to help him and Emma set up. I noticed that Sebastian and Emma weren't really talking as they set the party stuff up, though. I could see the tension in Sebastian's face and wondered if anything had happened while Michele and I were gone.


By 6 PM, the first guests began to arrive. I noticed that while Emma would welcome the guests, Sebastian would be running around making sure everything was OK. I walked towards Sebastian and offered my help.


"Sure, man," he said, relieved. "You can help me put another table and chairs outside."


I headed for the backyard and fixed up the table with its chairs, dιcor and snacks. I spent a good chunk of my time helping Sebastian out with anything else he needed.


At some point of the party, I was talking with Michele when Sebastian came over.


"Hey man," he said as he grabbed me by the shoulder. "Thanks for your help, Alex. I really appreciate it."


I looked into Sebastian's eyes and smiled, Top of Form"No problem, Seb. I'm here for anything." Sebastian nodded back and walked away to go check on the food.


"You help Sebastian out a lot, don't you?"


I turned to Michele as she asked me that. "We help each other out with whatever we need," I shrugged.


"Still, though, you help my brother out a lot. Thank you." I could see genuine gratitude in her eyes and I nodded back at her.


I had warmed up to Michele and I found it easier to talk to her as the night went on. Throughout the night, she would ask me a few more questions about the person I was crushing on. She would keep asking me for a name but I would laugh and tell her it was my secret. A couple of times, I would have to stop talking to whoever I was talking to and head over to Sebastian to help him out.


"She's not doing shit," he would say, referring to Emma.


I would offer no response, instead, I would listen and help him finish whatever it was that he needed.


I lost both Emma and Sebastian for about an hour after we opened Lily's presents and served her cake. I assumed they were busy with something but after the hour went on, I only saw Emma and Lily walking around. I looked for Sebastian everywhere but was unable to find him. I couldn't stand it any longer so I went up to Emma. "Hey, Emma. Have you seen Sebastian?"


The look on her face threw me off for just a second – I could see she didn't want to talk about it. "He went out to go get something from the store. He should be back later." With that, Emma turned away and headed to a table away from me. I looked around and saw that we were good on food and drinks, so I had no idea what Sebastian would have gone to the store for. I texted him asking where he was but got no response.




I hated this. I hated leaving my own fucking house because of her. I could have been nicer about asking her to stop fucking around and help me, but then again, she could have been helpful from the fucking start. As I drove around town trying to clear my head, I heard my phone vibrate. It was Alex asking where I was. I was tempted, so tempted to tell him what happened and have him come to me. But I couldn't. Michele was interested in the guy and I had seen how close they were already getting – I couldn't call him up and have him ditch her.


I loved my sister, she had been with me through all the shit Emma put me through. I just couldn't help myself feeling a little jealous of her. She could be happy with Alex, she really could. She wouldn't need to worry about anyone judging her or having to hide the times she was with him. He wouldn't have to run around in secret or feel guilty about being with her. I could stay with Emma and forget about what Alex and I had. It would be easier this way. Only, I didn't want easier – I wanted to be happy.


I wanted to be happy with someone who would make me smile. I wanted to be happy with someone who could help me out. I wanted to be happy with someone who would be happy with me, too. Instead, I was miserable with Emma and she was miserable with me. Misery loves company but I couldn't keep her company anymore. I wanted Alex to be with me but I couldn't ask him to come, at least not right now. I drove around for another hour and a half until I figured everyone at the party would have been gone. I headed to Alex's apartment, walked up the stairs to his door and waited outside for him.


He showed up thirty minutes before midnight and I saw his eyes grow wide seeing me sitting outside his door. "Sebastian, what the hell? Where were you, man? Are you OK?"


I had four missed calls – all four were from Alex, none of them were from Emma. I smiled at the concern in his voice. "I'm fine, Alex. I just need a place to crash for a bit."


"Yeah, Seb. No problem. You should have returned my calls though, Michele and I were worried about you. Emma wouldn't say where you were at."


"I wanted to be alone man, sorry."


"Oh, OK. Do you still want to be alone?" I could hear how worried he was for me. Something Emma wouldn't have expressed.


"No," I said as I stood up from the floor and walked to him. "I want to be with you tonight."


"OK, sure," he said as he walked up and opened his door for me.


I silently walked in and sat on his couch. Alex sat next to me, silent as well. For a while, we stayed like that, sitting in silence looking at the blank television.

"What happened, Sebastian?" Alex asked.


"We – we fought again," I said. Understatement of the year. "I asked to see her – Emma – in our room. I asked her if there was any way that she could help me out with some shit around the party instead of just fucking around. I know – I know I could have used other words to talk to her but I was just so fucking mad and frustrated and I wanted her to know it. I – I wanted to hurt her." Emma's actions and her way of being had frustrated me for so long that and I wanted her to know what it felt like. It was dicked out, I know that, but I couldn't help myself. "I know it sounds mean. I know it was mean. I just wanted her to know what it felt like – to be hurt." I looked over at Alex and saw him looking into my eyes. I was worried he was going to look back at me with disgust or even hatred in his eyes, instead I saw only concern. "I just – I'm so fucking tired, Alex."


"Sebastian," he said, "what do you need from me?"


What did I need? I needed to take a break. I needed my daughter. I needed to breathe. "I just need a place to sleep tonight, Alex."


"Of course, Seb. You can stay as long as you want." I looked into his eyes again and I got struck by how much he cared for me. Like, it was a physical thing I could see in his eyes. That's why I fell for him, I realized. From the day we met, I could see how much he cared for me. I wouldn't have to ask him for anything, he would always volunteer to help me out with whatever I needed. He would lend me his notes, he would listen to me when I needed to, and hell, he would get me an extra muffin if I even mentioned I was hungry. I wasn't used to someone caring for me like that – I wasn't used to someone supporting me or wanting me to be happy. Now, I realized that, other than my daughter, Alex was the best thing to ever happen to me. "Thank you," I said.


"Don't mention it, Sebastian."


"No. Thank you, really, for – for everything."


Alex nodded at me. I wanted more than a nod, though. I leaned in close and I kissed him. His lips were warm and soft – not like I assumed a guy's lips would ever be. As we kissed, I thought about Michele and how she was interested in Alex. She was my sister and I'd support her being with whoever she wanted to be with, but Alex wasn't just another random guy. Alex was something more to me – I couldn't afford losing him anymore than I could afford to continue being with Emma.


"I'm going to leave her," I said, breaking off our kiss.


"What's that?"

"I said, I'm going to leave her. I am."


"Sebastian," Alex said, "You need to think about what you're telling me. Make sure it's what you want and not what you think you want." Who was he kidding? We both knew what we wanted despite how much we tried to hide it.


"It is what I want."


"Well, I still want you to think about it, Seb. It's not something you should do lightly."


I wanted to argue with him. I wanted to convince him that this was not something I had decided on the spur of the moment but I was just so tired of arguing. Instead, I stood up from his couch and stretched my arm out to him. He looked back at me, confused, but he took my hand nonetheless. He trusted me like that. Silently, we both walked to his bedroom and I had him sit on the edge of his bed.


"I've spent some time looking over music you might like, you know?"


"Oh, yeah? What did you find?"


"I found a song that I really liked. I assumed you'd like it, too."


"What song is it?" He asked, hunched forward on the bed, interested.


I got my phone, found the song, and connected the aux cord to the speakers. "It's Don't Let Me Let You Go by Jamie Lawson. You sang one of his songs before, do you remember that?"


I could see Alex trying to think back to when he sang one of Jamie's songs. "Right, Valentine's. I remember that."


"Good, well I actually really liked the lyrics so I went online and found some of his other songs. This one is my favorite." I pressed play and walked back to where Alex was sitting. As the song played, I pushed Alex on his back and locked eyes with him. There was nothing for me to say so instead of talking, I kissed him. I kissed him with more determination and more passion than I had ever done. His hands traveled to my back and he pulled me in closer to his body.




"I know I make mistakes and I can let you down.


I don't always find the words to say.


For all this searching, you're the best thing that I've found.


I'll be hoping you stay before you let me throw this all away,


Before you let me say all the stupid things I'll say."




His hands traveled to the hem of my shirt and he pulled up leaving me shirtless and lying on top of him. "I want you. Right now," I said. Without waiting for his response I pulled his shirt up and took it off. I leaned into his neck and began kissing it – a thing I had found out drove him crazy.


"Sebastian," he breathed out. I loved that – his breathing out my name. I traveled from his neck to his collar bone to his chest, kissing, licking and nibbling on his hot skin. For all this searching you're the best thing that I've found – I'll be hoping you stay.


As I nibbled on Alex's nipples, my left hand reached down and grabbed his crotch. Alex let out a loud "oomph" as I rubbed his hardening dick and balls through his pants. As I felt him continue to grow, my lips traveled down from his stomach to his navel.


"Sebastian," Alex breathed out again, "Jesus Christ." Alex grabbed my head as I continued to lick and tease his navel. I could see and feel the muscles in his stomach contract the longer I spent licking around his navel.


I unzipped his pants and pulled them off leaving him only in his red boxer shorts. I could see a prominent tent in his shorts and I smiled up at him. "Excited, huh?" I asked.


Alex laughed and shot me a smile. "A little," he said.


I pulled his dick out of his shorts and began to stroke it. Alex closed his eyes and leaned his head back in pleasure. I wanted so bad to have him feel as good as he made me feel but stroking him was the only thing I was comfortable with right now. Well, that and fucking him. I just couldn't wrap my head around the idea of having a dick in my mouth or up my ass. I loved Alex, but I wasn't ready for that.


I loved Alex.


What the fuck?


I pulled back and looked at the guy squirming under me. I wasn't sure of what I felt for him – love, lust, etc. – but I knew that, whatever it was, I couldn't risk ruining it with feelings I didn't understand. For now, all Alex was, was someone to be with when I was lonely. That came out wrong. It's not that he wasn't important to me – he was – he is. I meant he made me feel better when I was with him, he made me feel less alone. I loved him for that, at least.




"I may get jealous and a little insecure.


I may get drunk and let love bleed.


But it's hard to believe that beauty like yours


Could fall for something like me."




And I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that I had lucked out and found someone like Alex. I couldn't believe that I was one of the 30 luckiest people in campus to have taken Environmental Science with him. I couldn't believe that I was one of the 5 groups he decided to sit with. I couldn't believe I was the one person he allowed himself to get close to.


I looked into his eyes one more time, envisioning what being with him would feel like. It would be amazing, I decided. I traveled up to his face and kissed him again. Alex turned me around and now he was lying on top of me. We continued to make out until I felt him move away from me and travel, slowly, to my naval. My breathing got heavier the further down he got. Soon, he unbuckled my pants and my hard dick sprung out full mast. We locked eyes as he began to take my dick inside his mouth. I was squirming like crazy. He rolled his tongue around my dick, licked and sucked – I was ecstatic.




"I'll do my best to learn from my mistakes.


I may fail but I will always try.


I will tell you every single day, `I can - I'll stay right by your side.


Stay right by your side.'"



Alex continued to play with my dick in his mouth. My breathing was heavy and fast. Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, Alex took my entire length down his throat. "Oh, I fucking love that, Alex. Son of a bitch – fuck!" He continued to switch from swallowing me down to just focusing on the head of my dick. At one point, I couldn't help myself and I grabbed the back of his head and began to throat fuck him. I could hear him gurgling on my dick and the sound of it made me want to fuck his throat harder. My whole body jerked forward from the sensations I was feeling and I pushed Alex's head down entirely on my dick. I held him in that position for a few seconds, enjoying the feeling of his throat muscles working on my dick. "Agh!" I moaned out.




"Take these arms and let me hold you tight.


Love you more than love could ever know.


I may fuck things up from time to time.


Don't let me let you go.


Don't let me let you go


Don't ever let me let you go."




I couldn't hold back any longer as Alex drove my dick crazy with his mouth. "Alex, dear God! I'm getting close." I couldn't control the spasms my body was feeling. Alex wasn't missing a beat as he continued to swallow my entire dick down his throat and playing with my balls. "Oh, fuck, Alex! Please!" I was loud, I could hear myself but I didn't care. I didn't give a shit about anything other than Alex right now. "Alex. Oh God, Alex!"


My legs stiffened as I reached the point of no return. Alex, like the trooper he was, stayed on my dick as I shot, shot after shot of my load down his throat. I don't remember how many shots I unloaded as my brain had chosen to turn off at that time. Holding on to Alex's bed sheets was the only thing keeping me from falling off his bed. "Ahhh! Please don't fucking stop. Please – please don't fucking stop until I say – oh, God – until I say the word red. Fuck!"


I was being driven insane by his continued stimulation of my dick. I almost couldn't handle it as my hips continued to shake and my legs began to spasm. I was clawing into the bed sheets, reaching out for something to hold on to my sanity. "Holy damn!" I screamed. "Holy shit, Alex! Agh!"


My dick began to spasm as I came – again. This time though, my cum shots weren't as strong or prominent as my first ones. They felt 10X more powerful though. Tears began to pool in my eyes as my orgasm became too much for me. "Fuck Alex," I cried out. "Fuck, please!" My hips buckled up and down. "Fuck, please. Red, red, red!"


To his credit, Alex removed himself from my dick immediately after the first time I said the word red. "Jesus fucking Christ!" I screamed out, eyes closed. My whole body quivered in ecstasy. I felt Alex move up to me and hug me. The feeling of his warm chest against mine helped me calm down. "Oh, fuck, Alex," I cried out. I felt his hand go up to my eyes and wipe the tears from them. "Oh, fuck," I moaned. Never, never had I felt anything compared to what I had just felt. I focused on my breathing as I felt one of his hand caress my chest and the other wrap itself around my waist. My body let out one more spasm and I cried out one last time. "Don't ever let me let you go. Okay, Alex?" I asked, my eyes still closed shut.


"OK, Sebastian. I got you."


And he did have me. He had me more than he realized.