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I hadn't heard from Sebastian in a few days after Friday and that worried me. Usually he would text me good morning or ask how my day was going. So far, nothing. I hadn't even seen him in class for the past two days. I was worried that he was avoiding me because of something that might have happened on his date with Emma Friday night.
By Wednesday, I was already beginning to freak out. I was sitting at my lab table when I saw his familiar face walking in through the door. My heart skipped a beat seeing him but it did something completely different when I saw his smile.
"Sebastian," I said. "What happened? I haven't heard from you in days."
This didn't seem to worry him as he said, "Nah man. I broke my phone before I drove Michele back to Houston. I decided to stay there for a bit and just got back last night."
"Shit, Sebastian. I thought –." I didn't finish my sentence not wanting him to think of me as clingy.
"You thought I was ignoring you?" Sebastian's laugh warmed me up inside. "Don't be stupid. I'd miss fucking around with you too much, fuck face."
I laughed at Sebastian's stupid comment and hit him on the arm. For the rest of the morning, everything was OK. I said goodbye to him around three and headed back to my apartment. I kind of wanted to hang out with Sebastian but I knew that he was probably tired. Besides, he was probably missing his daughter, too.
April rolled around uneventfully. Sebastian and I had planned on getting lunch somewhere Thursday afternoon. When that day arrived, we met at a small taco place downtown. The lunch rush was over since we had headed there after one of our classes. We sat on one of the tables near the back and our waitress came over and took our order. As we waited for our food, Sebastian and I small talked about our week. He told me all about driving up to drop off Michele and all that they talked about on the trip over there. I noticed that he didn't mention Michele and I's talk on Friday evening. Maybe she didn't tell him? For whatever reason, the conversation turned to Emma and Friday night.
"How is she," I asked.
"She's fine." Sebastian looked away for a second. "I mean, I dropped a really big hint that night."
"Really?" I asked, this being the first time he had talked about this to me. "What do you mean?"
"Well, I hadn't planned on it, but we went to El Vaso after our dinner."
Sebastian paused after this and it made me curious. "What happened there, Sebastian?"
"I might have sang something to her."
I furrowed my eyebrows. "Sang her something? What did you sing?" Sebastian seemed uncomfortable. This made me nervous. "What did you sing, Sebastian?" I repeated.
"There was this song I heard on the radio the other day after we went to Subway. I really liked the words and everything about it. I wasn't planning on singing it – I really wasn't." I was silent so Sebastian continued. "It was Blake Shelton's I Found Someone."
I had heard the song before and I thought about the lyrics. "Well, damn. What did she say?"
"Well, she said I sang well."
"And then she said her head hurt and she wanted to go home so we did. After we got home – when I saw you – we went to our room." Sebastian seemed to be thinking about something for a bit. "I wanted to talk but – but she went straight to bed. The morning after, when Michele told me she was leaving, I offered to drive her. When I got back, Emma pretended Friday night didn't happen."
I wish I could pretend Friday night didn't happen.
"Well," I said. "Whatever you decide to do, Seb, you know I'm here for you."
Sebastian looked at me and smiled, "Yeah. I know."
We finished our lunch and we headed back to our cars. As I got ready to turn my car on, I felt my cell phone begin to vibrate. It took me a while to pull it out of my pants and I saw Sebastian pull out of the parking site and merge to the street. Without unlocking my phone, I saw that the text message I had received was from Emma:
Hey Alex. Dinner at Applebee's tomorrow around 7? Need someone to talk to. Don't tell Sebastian, though.
My blood ran cold for a whole minute. This is it, I thought, she knows. I wanted to lie and say I couldn't make it but, if she already knew, she'd see right through that. If she didn't, she might get suspicious. I texted back:
Yeah. Ok, Emma. I might not be able to stay long but I'll be there.
Her response came back two long minutes later:
Thanks, Alex. See you there.
Friday morning seemed to drag on forever yet it seemed to go faster than usual as well. I had wanted to call Sebastian in the afternoon asking him if he knew what Emma wanted but I remembered she wanted me to keep this from Sebastian. I had betrayed her trust enough already so I decided against that.
When 6:45PM came up, I got in my car and drove to Applebee's. I met Emma inside and we sat in a booth towards the front. It was Karaoke Friday again and the place was more packed than usual. Emma and I ordered something small to eat and we talked for a bit. The waitress asked us if we wanted anything from Happy Hour. I said yes to a sangria, Emma decided to skip the alcohol.
The longer we small talked however, the more anxious I got about what she really wanted to talk about. We were halfway through dinner when she finally began to open up to me.
"Thanks for coming, again, Alex."
"No problem," I said. "I'm here for anything you or Seb need, Emma."
She smiled back to me and looked down to her food. "Can I be blunt?" She asked.
I looked up at her, "Yeah," I said. "Sure."
"Ok. You lied to me."
My breath caught. I didn't know what to say. "What do you mean?" Those were the only words capable of escaping my mouth.
"You lied to me." She shrugged. "You lied to me about Sebastian." Emma looked away and, for a minute, only silence remained. "I know there's someone else," she finished.
I was about to deny it when her eyes met mine. I couldn't continue lying so I remained silent. Emma nodded. "I don't blame you, though. You're his friend, of course you'd keep shut." I had nothing to add so I remained silent.
"It sucks. OK, Alex?" Emma looked away from me again. "It sucks and I know I haven't been the best girl to Sebastian but I do care for him. We have a daughter for God's sake."
I couldn't look away from her. Every word enthralling my guilt more and more. Emma looked back at me, "I don't know what to do, Alex."
"I don't either," was the only true thing I could say.
"Do you know who it is?" She asked.
I shook my head but couldn't quite meet her eyes. "Alex," she repeated, "I need to know. Please." Every cell in my body was frozen in fear, guilt, and shame looking into her eyes. I shook my head again. Emma looked away from me, exasperated. "Ok," she said. "If you can't tell me who, then tell me why?"
I couldn't open my mouth. Well, I could. I just couldn't trust the words that might come out of it. I looked away from Emma and tried to think of something – anything.
"Emma," I found myself saying. "You don't have to worry about Sebastian. He loves you. You're the mother of his daughter. He'd never leave you."
He'd never leave you.
"That's what I thought, too," she said. "After six years and a daughter, you'd think our relationship would be strong but it doesn't feel that way."
"I'm sorry," I said. "Six years?"
"Yeah," Emma looked me in the eyes for a second. "We've been on and off again for almost six years. We just kept finding our way back to each other."
I felt like all the air had been sucked out of me. I didn't know Emma and Sebastian had so much history between them. Six years of history. "No," I said. "I didn't know that."
"Yeah, well apparently it doesn't matter much." Emma looked away from me and towards the karaoke station. She looked back at me. "Alex, I'm sorry. This isn't what you had in mind for a Friday night, I bet." Emma gave me a nervous laugh. "Look, I've been racking my head so long worrying about Sebastian and me, I don't want to do that tonight with you. You've been there for him when I couldn't and, luckily, you're a good guy. Thanks"
Ha, I thought. I'm a good guy.
"You know," she continued, "We're at Applebee's, it's a Friday night, karaoke is right there. What do you say? Let's sing something."
"I don't think that's a very good idea, Emma. I have some stuff to do after this. I don't want to be running late."
"Oh, come on, Alex. I've had a shitty week. Do this for me?" I looked into her pleading eyes and decided that no harm could come from doing this for her. Fuck, it couldn't be more harm than me doing her guy.
"Ok," I said. "We can sing something."
"Actually," she leaned forward on her seat towards me. "I wanted you to sing something for me – one of my favorite songs. Then I could sing something to you. I really like hearing you sing and want you to hear me sing, too. What do you say?"
Emma flashed me a smile and I realized this was the least I could do for hurting her so much. "Sure," I said, "What did you have in mind?"
"Well," she looked over to the karaoke machine. "Let's go see what they have."
Emma and I walked to the karaoke machine and began to look through the selections. "Oh, they have it!" She said. I saw her fingers click on a song by Sunny Sweeney – Amy. I knew I had heard it before, and I tried to think of the lyrics.
"Uh, Emma," I felt uncomfortable thinking about her song choice. "I'm not sure I want to sing this song."
"Don't be silly, Alex. I'm sure you know this song. Besides, it's my favorite. Please." She flashed me another sweet smile only this time it was a little different. I couldn't place my finger on what it was, though.
I gave it one last try, "Are you sure you don't want me to sing anything else, Emma?"
"I love this song, Alex. Come on, do it for me." She paused for a second and smiled again. "Come on, you'd do it if Sebastian asked you. Wouldn't you?"
"Uh," I really didn't want to do this. "Ok. I'll do it." I have this thing about spontaneously agreeing to do shit, you see.
"Thank you!" Emma hugged me tightly, clicked on the song and went back to her seat. I had heard this song before and, although catchy and full of emotion, I was not looking forward to singing it.
Too late. The intro began and people were looking at me.
"Amy, please let me explain.
I'm only half of what's causing all your pain.
I knew he was your man by the gold ring on his hand.
Amy, forgive me if you can."
I didn't want to sing this song. I didn't want to. It made me think of what I was doing with Sebastian and how wrong it was. When I first met him, I didn't know he had a girl much less a daughter. I had no fault in having a small crush on him. Now, however, I knew damn well what I was doing. I knew damn well that he was taken, that he was a father, and that he was someone else's.
"Amy, he never meant to be untrue.
But he needed love he said he never got from you.
He found comfort in my arms - touched my body and my heart.
Sorry for the pain we put you through."
I looked around the room, avoiding the table Emma was sitting in. I didn't want to look at her because if I did, I would want to tell her how sorry I was. I would want to tell her that it wasn't her fault. I had fawned over Sebastian first. He may have drunkenly kissed me first, but it was my fault for not stopping his actions later.
"If you look right at him you might see.
He loves you he never wanted me.
And I'll let him go for good, if you just treat him like you should.
But if you don't love him, Amy, let him leave."
Did he love me? I knew what I felt for Sebastian, but I didn't know what he felt for me back. I didn't know if maybe this was just a phase for him or if he was just using me as an excuse to leave Emma. I didn't know. What I did know was that if Emma treated Sebastian the way she should have, he would never have gotten involved with me. But she didn't. And now I was left hoping that he would give me that chance.
"Amy I can't get him out of my head.
`Cause I know he's lying next to you in bed.
Do you miss him when you're awake – `cause he's on my mind every day.
Amy, I'm just trying to explain."
If he did – if he gave me that chance – I wouldn't let him down. As of now, every time I saw his face, my entire day would light up. Every time I heard his voice, a smile would form on my face. Every time I held him, I felt complete. I finally got the courage to look to where Emma was sitting. She was staring at me, taking the sight of me in. All I could do was continue to sing and think, "Emma, do you miss him? Do you miss Sebastian right now? Because I do – I miss him right now and every second after and before that he's not with me. I miss him every time he leaves me for you. He's on my mind every single fucking day."
"If you look right at him you might see.
He loves you he never loved me.
And I'll let him go for good if you just love him like you should.
But if you don't love him, Amy, let him leave."
I met Emma's eyes as I got close to finishing the song. She stared back at me, an unknown look on her face. When the last verse of the song began, we locked eyes and I saw Emma sing the words with me.
"If you don't love him, Amy, let him leave."
A few people cheered when I was done and I walked back to where Emma was sitting. She greeted me back with a smile. "Thanks for doing that, Alex."
I couldn't read her small smile but I said, "No problem, Emma."
"I guess it's my turn right?" Emma smiled. I wanted to say I had to leave. I wanted to say I wasn't feeling OK. I wanted to say I'd rather do anything but this. Before I could, Emma stood up and said, "I'll be right back."
I watched as Emma walked up to the Karaoke machine and looked through the song list. I quickly took out my phone and texted Sebastian:
Don't text back. I'm with Emma. She wanted to talk. I'll text you when we're out.
I placed my phone on the table and looked back up at Emma. She had finally decided on a song and was getting ready in front of the microphone. The table vibrated and I saw my phone receive a text message. So much for not texting back:
Aright. Don't do anything stupid, dipshit. :)
A small smile formed on my face. It went away when I looked up at Emma and heard her sing.
"I can't find a reason to let go.
Even though you found a new love and she's what your dreams are made of.
I can find a reason to hang on.
What went wrong can be forgiven - without you it ain't worth living alone."
She had chosen Dixie Chicks' When You Were Mine. I could feel a weight descend on my chest. It couldn't be a coincidence. Deep down, I'm sure I knew she was singing this on purpose. Deep down, I'm sure she knew more than she was telling me. Deep down – well, deep down wasn't as deep as I had hoped.
"I took out all the pictures of our wedding day.
It was a time of love and laughter – happy ever after.
But even those old pictures have begun to fade.
Please tell me she's not real and that you're really coming home to stay."
I was real, though. I was very real. So was she. Each of us was as real as the other's hope that we weren't. All both of us wanted was nothing more than for Sebastian to come home and stay. Each of us would hold on tight for what we wanted – I could see it in her eyes.
"Sometimes I wake up crying at night.
And sometimes I scream out your name.
What right does she have to take your heart away?
When for so long you were mine."
Six years. Emma and Sebastian had been together for six years.
He hadn't told me that. I had always assumed that his relationship with Emma stemmed only from Lily's birth. Now, I realized that it went back far longer than that. Six years that Emma and Sebastian had been together, probably happy. Six years they must have hugged and kissed and laughed and loved. Six years that Sebastian and I didn't have.
I didn't know why it bothered me as much as it did but it did.
At the same time, I put myself in Emma's shoes. How terrible would it feel for your partner to hold a secret from you – another person from you? How much would it hurt to know that they're with someone else – that someone else was kissing them - touching them? Hadn't I cried over Sebastian leaving me? How much worse would it be for Emma, having spent six years with him? What right did I have to take him away from her?
I could almost feel the guilt drowning me from the inside. I looked into Emma's eyes and I saw the other side of Sebastian and I's relationship – the side I didn't like thinking about.
"I can give you two good reasons
To show you love's not blind.
He's two and she's four and you know they adore you.
So how can I tell them you've changed your mind?
Sometimes I wake up crying at night.
And sometimes I scream out your name.
What right does she have to take your heart away?
When for so long you were mine."
I clapped as Emma said her thanks and came back to our booth. "That was really good, Emma."
She smiled back at me, "Thanks, Alex. Means a lot coming from you."
We finished whatever little food we had left and I decided that I had spent enough of my day with Emma so I paid our tab. I told her I had to leave and run some errands with Lea and Ralph right now but that'd it'd be here for whatever she and Sebastian needed. She nodded her head and we walked out of the restaurant. After walking her to her car, I got into mine and waited until I saw Emma drive away.
I took my phone out and texted Sebastian:
Can you meet at my place when you're out of work?
His reply came by five minutes later:
I'll leave early. Meet you there in half an hour.
I placed my phone in my pocket and drove back to my apartment. When I got there, I stepped into my restroom to wash my face. Looking up, I stared at myself in the mirror. I didn't like being a remainder in Sebastian and Emma's relationship. I didn't like always hoping that Sebastian would chose me over her. I didn't like knowing there was someone sharing Sebastian's bed that wasn't me. Emma obviously didn't like it either. My heart grew heavy at the thought that, even though Sebastian was on his way, he would leave afterwards and head to Emma. I heard a knock on the door and I went to open it.
Sebastian greeted me at the door, small smile on his face. "Hey, Seb," I said. "Come in."
He walked in and immediately headed for my kitchen. "Want a beer, A?"
I smiled at the guy's audacity, offering me my own beer in my own place. "Yeah, get me one, Seb."
Walking back, beers in hand, Sebastian sat next to me on my couch. He used his bottle opener to open both our beers and we began to drink. After a few, silent drinks, Sebastian said, "How'd it go, A?"
How'd it go?
I looked into Sebastian's eyes and I thought of my dinner with Emma. I shook my head.
Sebastian continued to look at me but now a worried expression was on his face. "What's wrong, Alex?"
I shook my head again, "I can't do this, Seb."
Sebastian's eyebrows furrowed. "Can't do what, Alex?"
I placed my beer down on the floor. "I can't keep pretending that what we're doing is OK." I remembered Emma's words: What right does she have to take your heart away when, for so long, you were mine?
Sebastian leaned in closer to me, "Alex –"
"No," I said, placing my hand on his chest so he wouldn't come closer. "Sebastian, I saw her today, Emma. She told me - I can't keep fucking up what you guys had for the past six years. I can't keep doing that to her or to myself."
"Alex, I told you. What Emma and I had, it's done. I don't love her anymore."
"You don't get it do you? I don't want to be that person. I want to stop thinking about you and her and forget all the pain I'm causing. I want my heart to forget all the shit that I've put Emma through because of us. I can't keep pretending I'm Ok with it because ... because I'm not. I'm not ok with you coming to my apartment and holding me, when I know you've held her before that and you'll be holding her afterwards, too. And I'm not OK with knowing that she's thinking the same thing on her side of the bed."
Sebastian's face was breaking my heart. "Alex, why - what are you saying?"
My broken heart was beating faster and faster for this broken boy. "I love you, Ok Sebastian?" There it was. I had said out loud what I was scared of saying for so long. "I love you, Sebastian, but I don't love ... this. I hate it. I don't hate you I just - I hate the way it makes me feel."
"Alex," Sebastian's hand reached for my leg. "I'm sorry you feel that way. I –"
"No, Sebastian. You don't need to apologize. It was my fault. I couldn't share something – someone – that wasn't mine to begin with. It's not right." I paused, knowing full well my voice was about to crack. "I want you to leave, Sebastian." My broken heart shattered speaking those words. "I want you to leave and just forget about me. Go back to Emma and Lily. It's not their fault we didn't get our shit together before them." I stood up and walked to my door. I unlocked it and opened it, turning so I could face Sebastian as I said, "Just go, OK?"
Sebastian stayed sitting for another minute before he saw that I wasn't going to back down. I saw him stand up and walk towards my door. He crossed the threshold out of my apartment and I began to close my door. Right before it closed though, Sebastian stopped the door and pushed it open again. "No, Alex. I'm not leaving." He walked inside my apartment again, grabbed me by the shoulders and kissed me. His lips were like fire on mine. He pulled away and locked eyes with me. "Tell me this doesn't feel right, Alex." Sebastian leaned in and kissed me again. "Tell me you don't think this is worth it because I do. I do think it's worth it."
Of course I wanted to say it was worth it. Of course I wanted to say anything was worth having him. I would have, too, if I hadn't just seen what I was doing to Emma. "I can't, Sebastian."
"Alex," He looked me in the eyes, "I promise – I swear to you - I'm ending it. Tomorrow night, it's over. I will tell her that what we have is not what it used to. I will tell her everything I've been bottling up and I will end it. I swear to you." Sebastian looked away from me and looked around my living room, his hands holding on to my shoulders. When he turned back, his hazel eyes held something within them. "I don't want to lose you."
I looked at him and I could feel myself breaking and coming back together again. "I don't want to lose you either, Seb."
"Then don't." He closed the space between us and we kissed again. His hands wrapped themselves around me - mine did the same. Before either of us knew it, we were in my bed, nothing but our boxer shorts separating our bodies. Sebastian lied on top of me, his hot breath on my neck.
I will leave my heart at the door - I won't say a word.
They've all been said before, you know.
So why don't we just play pretend?
Like we're not scared of what is coming next.
Or scared of having nothing left.
I felt his tongue begin to do things with my neck and my earlobe that drove me crazy. I held on to his back and felt the taunt muscles under his skin. I couldn't help myself as I buried my head in Sebastian's neck and bit him a little. Sebastian let out a small moan that drove me wild which led me to continue to nibble and bite him. I wanted – I needed – to feel him inside me.
"Sebastian, fuck me." It wasn't a question – it was a statement. Sebastian looked me in the eyes and I could see the same type of hunger that was inside me reflected in his eyes.
"Ok," he said. Sebastian flipped me around and began to remove my boxer shorts. As he did, I felt his breath on my ass and a shudder moved through my body. Expecting for him to fuck me, I was surprised when, instead, he lied on top of me and began to kiss my neck again. I could feel the wet fabric of his boxer shorts against my bare ass and the friction created from him moving his hips made me shiver.
I don't need your honesty - It's already in your eyes.
And I'm sure my eyes, they speak for me.
No one knows me like you do.
And since you're the only one that matters,
Tell me who do I run to?
I felt Sebastian reach down for his boxer shorts and pull them off, his dick coming in contact with my bare ass.
"Do it, Sebastian," I said. "Fuck me."
Sebastian placed his left hand on my upper back and pushed my head down. With his right hand, he brought my ass closer to him and pushed it up. I heard him spit into his hand and felt him rub it into my ass. I felt him line up the tip of his dick with my entrance and relaxed at the thought of having him inside me. Almost like my body wanted it as much as me, Sebastian was met with no resistance as he slid inside me. I felt one of the strongest connections with him so far. A part of me was scared of how much I felt for him, but I pushed it away as Sebastian began to fuck me.
Let this be our lesson in love.
Let this be the way we remember us.
I don't wanna be cruel or vicious.
And I ain't asking for forgiveness.
All I ask is ...
Every thrust he made let out a moan in me. Sebastian grabbed my hair and pulled my head back. That drove me wild. I felt his thrusts get harder and shorter as he got more into fucking my ass. My breathing got heavier and heavier the longer I felt his dick move inside me. I gripped my bedsheets and moaned into my mattress. I felt Sebastian stop his thrusting and he flipped me around. I looked into his eyes and saw lust and passion looking back at me. I placed my right hand in his naval and felt his taught skin. His breathing was just as heavy as mine.
If this is my last night with you,
Hold me like I'm more than just a friend.
Give me a memory I can use.
Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do.
It matters how this ends.
Cause what if I never love again?
Sebastian fucked me like it was the last time he was ever going to fuck me. I heard my moans and grunts as if they were another person's. As we both got closer to the edge, I allowed myself to think of a future with just him, Bella, and me. I liked that.
I could feel myself reaching the edge and I looked into Sebastian's hazel eyes. He looked back into mine. In that second, there was no one else but us. I felt Sebastian's dick thicken as he stopped his thrusts balls deep inside me. He leaned down and kissed me at the same time I began to cum. I lost myself in my orgasm and Sebastian's tongue. Not a second later, I could feel Sebastian cum inside me as well. Pur breathing got heavier and heavier as our orgasms continued. By the end of it, I felt drained physically and emotionally. Sebastian rolled off me and laid next to me in silence.
I rolled around and stared at his silhouette lying next to me. Sebastian must have felt me staring and turned to look at me. I gulped, scared that any sound or noise would ruin this moment.
After a while, Sebastian allowed himself to talk. "Alex, I think – I think I -" A ringing stopped him from finishing his sentence. He looked at me with a pained look then walked out of bed to get his phone from his pants in the living room. I knew it before he said anything.
"Listen, Alex." I always listened. "It's Emma. She says it's an emergency. I - I have to go." He looked me in the eyes, then, "We aren't finished here, OK? I'm telling Emma tonight. Whatever happens, I'll meet you at El Vaso tomorrow night at 9:00 PM. Promise you'll be there?"
I looked into his eyes and knew that there was no way in hell I wouldn't be there. "I promise," I said.
Tomorrow night, Sebastian would have told Emma he was leaving.
Tomorrow night, Sebastian would meet me at El Vaso and we'd decide where to go from there.
Tomorrow night, everything was going to be different.