Hello guys, now that you all got an idea of what I was going through, I hope you understand why it was taking a while for me to write. I was really fucked up about it but I'm doing better now. Also, for a time frame, last chapter happened around mid-April. This chapter takes place in current time, early June. That should be enough to catch you guys up on the time frame of the story.

Anyways, please continue to email me so I know someone is reading and liking what I'm writing. I also have a playlist of songs that I listen to while writing the chapters if ya'll are interested.

The email you can reach me at is lore.guerra13@gmail.com for questions, comments, concerns or donations ha-`ha, just kidding!

In all seriousness, please don't forget to donate to nifty here, without which we wouldn't have this collection of great stories!

Every story is free on here, so please let's keep it that way and donate, guys.

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I woke up to the smell of food cooking and, for a second, I believed everything was fine. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and looked around me. I didn't recognize any of the furniture or things around me. Shooting up into a sitting position, my heart raced as I realized I didn't remember how I got here.

"Hey, hey, Alex. Calm down. It's me Jay." I turned to see Jay walking to me, a concerned look on his face. He noticed my confusion and sat next to me on his couch. "You slept over last night because you were too fucked up to go to your place."

Slowly, some memories of last night began to flood back in. They were sketchy and hazy but they were there. "Oh, shit," I said, rubbing my head. "Fuck. Yeah, I remember. Thanks, Jay." I began to stand when I felt Jay put his hand gently on my shoulder.

"Listen, Alex. I'm getting some food ready. You don't have to leave if you don't want to. I'm not doing anything today."

I was about to insist that I needed to go when the smell of food hit me. I remembered my birthday "lunch" yesterday: toast, OJ, and butter. The thought of having an actual meal was almost infuriatingly good.

Jay must have noticed my dilemma. He smiled, "It's eggs, bacon, potatoes and pancakes. I – I kinda figured you'd be hungry, ha-ha."

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After a surprisingly satisfying breakfast (is it still considered breakfast if it is one in the afternoon?), I offered to help Jay with the dishes.

"Nah man, it's fine. Go sit on the couch and rest for a bit. I got this." I did as I was told and reached for the remote to his TV. I turned it on and searched for something to keep me interested. It had been a while since I had seen TV. I found a channel showing How I Met Your Mother and decided to leave it there for a bit.

When Jay finally finished the dishes he came to sit with me and we watched the show together in silence. Our occasional laughs were the only sound either of us were making. When the episode was over, Jay looked over at me.

I could feel him looking at me but I tried to ignore it. He wasn't having that. "Do you want to talk about it, Alex?"

I knew what he meant. "I don't," I replied. I looked away from the TV and in Jay's direction, "But I feel like you aren't going to let it go are you?"

He chuckled. "Look, Alex. You were really fucked up last night. From what I can tell, you aren't concerned by it. I'm scared to think that you've been getting like that often." He paused for a bit trying to read my face. Whatever he found, he continued, "Obviously, you're hurting. I want to help. I do."

I looked down at my hands. I hadn't talked to anyone about what had happened. Lea and Ralf had guessed much of it though, I think. I looked at Jay, sitting on the other couch, trying to help. I could have given him an excuse to leave. I could have lied. Fuck, I could have just not given a shit and walked out. I didn't, though. Truth was, I was tired of hurting. "Fine. OK," I sighed and resigned to tell Jay my story.

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It had been three days since I had talked to Emma. I had tried calling Sebastian but he had not answered any of my calls. He hadn't been going to class either. I just wanted to see him and try to figure out what had happened. I had been drinking a lot since I had spoken to Emma. The only reason I was sober right now was because I was asked to play a song at El Vaso today. I had volunteered to do it back when Sebastian and I were still talking. It was too late to go back on that now.

I had spent the entirety of the day practicing a song – Make You Miss Me by Sam Hunt. Music always helped me cope with whatever was going on in my life. I practiced all day until I had the song just right. When I was happy with it, I moved away from my guitar and checked my phone. I had a few messages from both Lea and Ralf asking what was going on with me. I ignored them.

Still no call or text from Sebastian.

An hour before I needed to be at El Vaso, I got in my car and decided to head over there early. As I was driving there, I turned the radio on and took the long route to try and clear my head. I realized this was a mistake when I heard Jana Kramer's Over You By Now.

"Where was I when you figured out all those little doubts were just too much to conquer?

Where was I in that moment when the curtain fell and you knew that it was over?

Was I smiling like a fool over morning coffee?

Did you know it was a lie when you said you loved me?"

It was like a punch in the gut. I felt myself hold on to the steering wheel so tight my knuckles turned white. I took a deep breath and worked through the pain in my heart.

I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to believe that the fight between Sebastian and I had actually happened. There was no way he could have been so cruel as to play with me for so long. There was no way the times we spent together were all fake. There was no way all of it was a lie ... right?

"What's it like to hold all the cards – to pull all the strings and convince me that I'm dancing?

Maybe you don't know what love really is.

`Cause baby, if you did you wouldn't let it go so easy."

I needed to know. I needed to know for sure if it was all a lie. I deserved to know. There was no way in hell I could let this go unless I knew for sure.

I needed to talk to Sebastian one last time.

For better or worse, I needed to hear his voice again. I needed to hear him either repeat or take back everything he had said that night.

It was the only way I could see myself moving forward.

Deep down though, I knew there was something going on with him. I knew Sebastian. I knew him. Deep down, there was no way he would have hurt me like he did that night. Deep down, we both knew we meant more to each other than the sex we had. I looked at the clock in my car and saw that I still had 30 minutes before I needed to be at El Vaso. I took my first right and headed to his house.

"Instead of wasting all that time I could've been two wheels up.

I could have been heart healed strong.

This could have been my last tear – it could have been so long gone.

I wouldn't be lost like this – I wouldn't be breaking down.

I would've been over you by now."

I stopped in front of his house but paid no attention to why his and Emma's cars were gone.

I walked up to the front door but paid no attention to the curtains were gone and all that was left were the blinds.

I knocked on his door but paid no attention to why my knocks echoed as if in an empty house.

I stood in front of his door, body getting cold, but paid no attention to how quiet everything was.

I did notice one thing, though. Something glimmered on the floor near the bottom of the door. I kneeled down and picked up a silver necklace. The same necklace I had given Emma for her birthday so many mistakes ago.

That's when I knew, really, that I was waiting on a guy who was already gone. I didn't want to believe it but, seeing the necklace Emma clearly wanted me to find on the ground, I knew he was gone and he wasn't coming back.

I stayed there for another good ten minutes waiting for something – anything – to happen. But this wasn't a love story. He didn't show up when I turned away. He didn't call out for me as I got in my car. He didn't come running to me as I pulled out of his driveway. All that really happened was that I left whatever shattered remains of my heart I had by his front door.

"I could've met someone new – I could've been over you.

I could've been two wheels up.

I could've been heart healed strong.

This could've been my last tear – you could've been so long gone.

I wouldn't be lost like this – I wouldn't be breaking down.

I would've been over you by now."

I got to El Vaso right on time and headed towards the bar. I took a shot of Jameson and waited for my turn up, all the time feeling numb inside. When my time finally came, I walked up to the stage and took my seat. Tuning the guitar, I thought about the song I was going to play. Make You Miss Me wasn't appropriate anymore, really. Looking up, I saw a few faces looking back at me, waiting for me to play. I cleared my throat and addressed them.

"Hey, guys. Uh, Alex here. I – I haven't played here in a while but I promised a friend I'd do so tonight." I paused, a song coming to my mind. "I have a special song prepared today for ya'll. Hope you – hope you enjoy."

Guitar in hand, I began to strum.

"It keeps raining down the tear stained face of this lonely town and I drown.

I keep reaching for one good reason why you said goodbye – turn around.

Oh, you're leaving me in this empty state,

And all I see are dark clouds as you drive away."

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Jay remembered this part. As he sat on the couch listening to Alex's story, he remembered the night Alex had showed up to El Vaso and played that song. He remembered hearing the pain and hurt in his voice. He didn't know what had happened, he just knew Alex was hurting.

Looking at him now, Jay knew that what had happened between Sebastian and Alex had broken the guy. In all the times they had met, he never saw Alex as an alcoholic, as a drug user, or even as someone who would hook up with random people in the middle of the night. But here he was, all of those things and maybe more.

He was broken.

Throughout his story, from the fight he had with Sebastian and Emma up to the night he showed up at El Vaso, Jay noticed that Alex wouldn't meet his eyes. He probably couldn't handle having someone look at him now, vulnerable, broken, and alone. Only he wasn't alone. Jay was here to listen to him. He moved further up his seat and listened as Alex continued telling his story.

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"I keep looking for headlights shining in this driveway but they don't shine.

And I keep hoping this crazy storm will drive you home,

But not this time."

Jay smiled softly as he talked with his friends, but when a familiar voice registered in his ear, he paused, waiting to hear what followed.

He knew something was wrong when the singing started. Alex's voice had always had a hint of hurt and longing but now, listening to him tonight, he could register something else – something almost ... raw. Heartbreaking.

He turned away from Alex, not wanting him to see him staring. He grew quiet as he heard Alex pour out his heart through Maggie Rose's Mississippi's Crying.

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"Oh, my only wish is to change the weather.

Are you coming back?

Or is it gonna rain forever?"

I could feel the wetness in my eyes – the rawness in my throat.

Are you coming back? Or is it going to rain forever?

 

I swallowed the sob that was about to escape my mouth. The tears rolled, yes. But I was not going to sob. Not here.

I never deserved Sebastian, anyways. He was right. I only wanted to be with him because I knew he was taken. If he didn't like me back, I could always just blame it on his girl. It was the safe thing to do. The fact that I had fallen for a guy that was taken, though? That was the shittiest part because it made me into that guy. The one that doesn't care about barriers or loyalty or anything. Sure I might have lost the weight from high school and gained some newfound confidence after joining the gym but that couldn't fix my inside.

I was broken.

I could feel the anger and pain working up inside me. I could never have Sebastian the way I had wanted him. Not when I still had so much shit to deal with in my head. He had seen that and that's why he had left. My parents had seen that, too. Why couldn't I just accept that? Why couldn't I have left well enough alone?

"Mississippi's crying baby, Mississippi's sad.

I think we just figured out you ain't coming back.

The sky can see you leaving and it can't hold back the tears.

It's pouring down and my heart thinks it's dying."

My throat, my chest, my fucking heart – everything – hurt. Sebastian had never really been mine to begin with so why the hell was this hurting so fucking bad? Why did it feel like my heart was dying?

"Where you going, baby?

What's in Tennessee?

You never said a word about Memphis.

So who is she?

Although the tears in my eyes were silently rolling down my cheeks, I continued playing. I looked away from the audience and did the only thing I knew I wouldn't fuck up on. Blinking away tears, I kept singing.

"Mississippi's crying baby, Mississippi's sad.

I think we just figured out you ain't coming back.

The sky can see you leaving and it can't hold back the tears.

It's pouring down and my heart thinks it's dying.

Mississippi's crying. Mississippi's crying."

I ended the song and, without thanking anyone, I stood up from the stage and walked towards the exit. I remembered opening the door and accidentally hitting someone standing nearby. I didn't care though. I could feel myself shaking.

I got into my car, turned the ignition on and headed home. As soon as I parked though, I felt something inside me snap and a sob escaped my throat. I buried my face into my hands as more and more sobs broke through. I could feel myself shaking like a fucking leaf.

It was over.

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"He's gone," I said. "He's gone and he isn't coming back, Jay."

I looked at Jay as he continued to listen to me. Tears were pooling in my eyes again but I didn't care. I shrugged through them and continued, "And – and I don't know what it is about me or him or us that hurts so much but it does. It hurts all the time."

Jay looked at me, concern in his face. He scooted closer to me and placed a hand on my trembling shoulder. "Alex," he said, "I – I don't - I'm sorry," was all he could say.

I looked away from him, embarrassed to have him looking at me like this. "He wasn't just another guy to me, you know? He - he was my whole fucking world and when I saw that he had left, it - it was like he had taken what little was left of me. He left me all alone with nothing but these broken memories of us and – and the last words that he said to me are always running through my mind."

"Alex, I don't know what to say." I felt his hand squeeze my shoulder. "I'm sorry you have to go through this."

A small chuckle escaped my throat. "And you know what's worse? I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't breathe without him popping up in my head. Sometimes a song or a smell or even just a word reminds me of him and all of a sudden it's like I'm back there standing in front of his empty house all alone just waiting for him to open the door. It's like everything I hear or see or do is just a constant reminder that he exists and that I lost him." A small sigh escaped my lips. "I just – I just wished I mattered as much to him as he does to me."

"Listen, Alex. I want to help you – I do." Jay stood up from his couch and sat next to me, wrapping his right arm around my shoulders. "I want you to stay here as long as you need to. Ok, man?"

I didn't know what to say so I remained silent as he continued to speak.

"I'm serious, Alex. I don't want you to end up accidentally hurting yourself the next time you go out to try and feel better. Stay here for a few days. Clear your head. I can't promise you it'll stop hurting but I can promise you I'll be here as a friend to help you when it does."

I looked into Jay's eyes and saw something I hadn't seen in mine in a while: hope.

I nodded. "Thank you, Jay. Really."

He nodded, too. "Don't mention it, Alex."