Hello guys, huge sorry for the lack of chapters last month. I've been trying to make up for it by working on the entirety of Season Three.
Season finale will be uploaded next week – stay tuned!
Anyways, please continue to email me so I know someone is reading and liking what I'm writing. I also have a playlist of songs that I listen to while writing the chapters if ya'll are interested.
A fellow reader made a playlist with most of the songs I've either used or will use in the series. If y'all want to listen to it while reading the chapters the link for it is this:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLJZWEUrY9KRSfQ98rYlMYix46VM0CJ7XS
Two new songs will be added on (the ones from this chapter.)
Sorry – Blake Shelton
Gravity – Sara Bareilles
It's Your Move – Josh Kelley
The email you can reach me at is lore.guerra13@gmail.com for questions, comments, concerns or donations ha-`ha, just kidding!
In all seriousness, please don't forget to donate to nifty here, without which we wouldn't have this collection of great stories!
Every story is free on here, so please let's keep it that way and donate, guys.
http://donate.nifty.org/donate.html
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"You piece of shit!"
I couldn't see what I was punching anymore – my vision was clouded by rage.
"Sebastian, get –"
My next punch landed on his chin, stopping him mid-sentence.
"Get off!" Mark pushed me and I landed with a thud on my back. That only stopped me for a second before I got back up and pulled him down again.
"Stop, you fucker!" Mark's next punch hit me right in the gut. I let out a grunt as I aimed for his face again.
"Fuck you!" I blocked one of Mark's blows and offered one of my own – right to his stupid, fucking ribs.
That pissed him off enough to land a good blow right to my mouth. I could feel blood pooling up and I spat it out. Cleaning my face, I threw my entire body at him as he tried to stand again.
"Sebastian, stop!"
You say you don't know what you were thinking.
Well, neither do I.
And after all the time we spent together.
You think you deserve another try.
I heard Emma's voice from somewhere behind me. I didn't pay it any attention as I went back to beating the living shit out of Mark.
Mark punched me in the chest – I punched him on the nose.
"Sebastian!" I felt hands on my shoulders, prying me off of Mark. "Stop! For God's sake, STOP!"
Somehow, Emma managed to pull me off of Mark and I fell on my back. "Let go of me!" I screamed at her – the touch of her skin nauseating to me. I dusted myself up as I saw Emma help Mark up.
"Is it true!?" I screamed, my voice hoarse from one of Mark's hits.
"Sebastian, I can –"
I didn't want to hear anything she had to say. I couldn't handle anymore lies. "Is it TRUE?" I repeated.
Emma stepped forward, one hand on her belly. She only looked at me, unwilling to speak. Finally, she said, "I'm sorry." Her eyes pleaded for me to understand what she was sorry for ... but I wanted her to say it.
"Say it!" I was done her lies – with her stories. "Is it true?"
I could see the tears pool in her eyes as she nodded. "Yes." She gave a backwards glance at Mark and looked back at me. "Mark – Mark is the father."
You say you never meant to hurt me.
Well, that might be true.
But do you really think I should forgive you for what you put me through?
Oh, I remember every time you said you loved me.
But I know now your love was just a lie.
Mark looked from me back to Emma. I noticed that Mark wasn't surprised by the news. I was glad his eyes looked unfocused and hazy.
"How long?" Our eyes met.
"How – how long?"
"How long have you known that it wasn't my kid?"
Emma looked away from me and wiped away her tears. "Three – three months. I had my suspicions for three months."
"You – you made me believe that – that that was my baby girl." I couldn't help it, my words caught in my throat. I could feel tears pooling in my eyes.
"Sebastian, I'm so sorry."
I shook my head. "I'm done with you. I'm – I'm done." I turned and got into my car as Emma called out for me.
"Sebastian! Wait!" I turned my car on, pulled out of the driveway, and floored it.
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"You FUCKING LIAR!" I screamed as I drove down the highway.
I know I hadn't been in the right a few months ago – I had cheated, too. I gave everything up to make up for it, though: my friends, my job, my house, Alex.
That didn't matter, though. She was pregnant. Mark was the father.
Oh, girl, I don't know what it is that you're expecting
Just because you look me in the eye.
And you say you're sorry.
Oh, you're sorry – so sorry.
And you want it back the way it was.
I held on to the steering wheel tighter and stepped on the gas. "You let me believe – you let me believe that was my daughter!"
The tears were rolling down my bruised up face but I didn't care. She had let me believe that was my daughter she was carrying for months. For. Fucking. Months.
Every time I held her belly and called it my baby, she knew. She fucking knew!
"I'm so fucking stupid!" I punched my steering wheel and accidentally honked my horn. "Agh!" I got off the nearest exit on the highway and parked my car in the first neighborhood I found.
"Agh!" I punched my steering wheel again and again, until the pain in my hand resembled the pain in my heart. My voice was getting hoarse from all my screaming. I didn't care, though. I wept, parked in that random neighborhood, until I passed out from exhaustion.
Well, I'm sorry.
But sometimes sorry just ain't good enough.
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It had been a few days but I still couldn't believe it. They had accepted me. They wanted me back. I could go to Austin with Jay next semester.
I had talked to Lea and Ralf and they were happy for me – Jay was happy for me, too. Really, Austin seemed like such a great opportunity. I didn't know why it was so hard for me to accept it, though.
For the past couple of days, something in my gut felt ... wrong.
I didn't know what it was, I just knew I didn't like it.
Tonight, I had told Jay that I wanted to spend the night alone – to think. Somehow, this landed me right at El Vaso. I had a few drinks in me before I had even spent half an hour there.
It was a slow weekday night and I needed to clear my head. I asked the bartender if anyone was scheduled for tonight.
"Nah man," he said. "Stage is free if you want to go up."
I thanked him and went back to my table. After a few minutes of debating, I stood up and walked onstage.
What was this unsettling feeling in my gut? Why couldn't I commit to leaving?
Sitting in front of the mic, guitar in hand, I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath.
"Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do.
I still feel you here `til the moment I'm gone."
What do I do? I didn't expect for the position in the biology program over at Austin to still be on the table – not after I had decided against leaving. I definitely hadn't expected Jay to want me to move to Austin with him, too.
Should I stay?
Should I go?
"You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
Never wanted anything so much,
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain."
The last time I was at this crossroads, I had chosen to stay and everything had turned to shit so magnificently.
I was being offered the rare opportunity to go back to the exact crossroad that ruined everything and take the other path.
How many people were fortunate enough to get that offer?
It really was a no brainer. Only, I wasn't thinking with my brain, was I?
"Set me free – leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall.
Just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me."
Something in this town was keeping me from choosing the other path.
I knew what it was, though. Fuck, I knew who it was.
After all this time, Sebastian still had a hold on me. A part of me still wanted to wait for him to come back.
Another part of me wanted to leave and never come back.
It was hard for me to decide which part of me was calling the shots, unfortunately.
"You loved me `cause I'm fragile,
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while,
And all my fragile strength is gone."
I was strong, though. I had gotten through what felt like one of the worst heartbreaks of my life. I worked through a horrible two months of depression. I got my life back in order. I might not have been able to put all my pieces back together but fuck it if I wasn't better off without them.
"I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe.
Though, I can't seem to let you go,
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.
You're keeping me down."
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.
I looked around the roomful of people watching me. All of these faces but none of them any that I wanted to see.
That made it easier, though. I cleared my head and began to feel comfortable with a decision.
"You're on to me, on to me and all over.
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long."
I smiled and thanked the people who had been listening to me. Getting off the stage, I walked towards the bar. I waved the bartended over but, before I could tell him what I wanted, he handed me a bottle of Founder's IPA.
"Oh!" I said and looked at the bottle of my go-to beer. "Thanks, but I haven't ordered it yet."
The bartender looked back at me. "Friend of yours got it for you while you were singing. Told me to give it to you when you got off."
"Oh, uh, thanks but who –" before I could finish asking, a familiar voice broke through the noise.
"Founder's IPA. Still your go-to beer when things are shitty. Right, Alex?"
I turned to see who was talking to me.
No.
I blinked.
A cluster-fuck of emotions rose up like vile in my throat as I met his gaze.
"Sebastian?"
Sebastian gave me a small, almost sad smile. "Nice to see you again, Alex."
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After the initial shock of seeing me, Alex was able to process what was happening. "You're back," he said.
"Yes." I looked down at the beer in my hand. "I've – I've actually been back for a few days. I've been staying at my old house." After a quiet moment, I looked back up at him. "Do you – do you want to sit down for a bit?"
He could have said no.
He could have said, "Fuck off," "Piss off," "Go to hell."
Instead, after a wait that felt like forever, he said, "Fine." I could see him studying my face, skeptic at the sight of me. I couldn't blame him, though. "I - I can stay for a bit," he added. My heart leapt a little at the small gesture.
We sat on a wooden table outside. I could feel Alex's eyes burning through the back of my head as I walked in front of him and sat down. Placing our beers on the table, I looked at Alex. It was great seeing him again.
He must have noticed my busted lip at that moment because he asked, "Sebastian. What – what happened to your face?"
I didn't want to go over what had happened between Mark and me a few days ago so I lied. "I – I got drunk." I shrugged, "I messed around with the wrong person. I deserved it. You should see the other guy, though," I joked.
Alex nodded. It hurt my heart not hearing Alex correct me about deserving a beating. I coughed the thought away and continued. "Alex, I wanted to tell you something about the night I left."
I could feel the tension in Alex's body from across the small table.
"What about it?" Alex crossed his arms in front of himself and leaned back.
He hates me, I thought.
You have to try, I insisted.
"Those things I told you – they weren't true. I didn't mean them."
Alex stayed quiet for a moment. Looking into my eyes, he said, "They sounded like you meant them that night."
"I know and I'm sorry. I can explain it, though. Please – please let me."
I could see it in his eyes. He was fighting with himself. Would he stay or would he go?
Without flinching, "Talk," he said.
So I did. I told him all the things I had told Steph. I explained to him how I had to do and say what I did to keep him safe. I told him how it hurt me to have to hurt him like that – how I wish that night hadn't happened.
"I didn't want you to get hurt, Alex. Please don't blame me for not wanting you to get hurt."
He couldn't look at me. For a moment, I thought it was over. When he looked back at me, his eyes were softer.
"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked. "I would have understood. I could have done something."
I gave him a sad smile. After all this time, he still thought he could have helped me. "All I wanted was for you to be safe. Emma's brothers? They're brutes – they are. I would have died if they had hurt you."
"Where is she?" He asked. "Where's Emma?"
"I left her," I said. "I really did it this time."
I don't know what I was expecting. Did I want him to be happy that I left her? Did I want him to invite me over so we could start again? I don't know. I certainly wasn't expecting what he said next.
"That must be good for you. I'm sure you'll find someone better out there."
"Alex, I –"
"What do you want, Sebastian?" Alex leaned forwards and I could feel his familiar warmth. "Do you want me to say that I missed you? That I wanted you back? Because I did. I missed you so much it hurt ... but I'm with Jay now. I'm happy again. We might be moving to Austin together for school. I don't have room in my life for you anymore."
Walk out the door – go on, do it.
Stop bringing me down.
You make all these threats – you don't mean them.
Stop playing me, now.
Wake up – wake up.
Don't screw this up.
The hurt in my eyes must have been evident because he tried to apologize. "Look, Sebastian. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt –"
"I miss you." I interrupted him. "I miss you. Okay, Alex?" Alex stopped mid-sentence and listened. "I fucked up – I know that. But I miss hanging out with you. I miss saying stupid shit and making each other laugh and I miss all of that."
I could hear myself rambling but I carried on. "I miss how a little thing could make each other's days. I miss you. I'm sorry that I had to put you through that but I – I didn't want you to get hurt. You can't blame me for not wanting to see you get hurt."
"It wasn't fair, Sebastian," I looked into his eyes, wondering what he meant. "It wasn't fair that I was here and that you were okay. It wasn't fair that you left me here – hurting – all the time, thinking of you. That you didn't – not once – come back or thought of me."
I wanted to tell him how that wasn't true – how I did think of him. How I did come back. I didn't get the chance, though.
"You said you had me," he continued. "You said you were my friend but you weren't. You feel like a stranger to me and that ... sucks." He shrugged, "It sucks because I genuinely wanted to believe we were close. I really did. The worst part about all of that was that the only person I wanted to talk to about it was you ... and I hated me for that."
If our ship's going down, I don't care.
I just want to be on it.
`Cause we built something beautiful here.
God, I still want it.
Wake up – wake up.
Don't give this up.
"I'm sorry you thought that, Alex. I really am." I reached out my hand and felt his. He flinched for a second but allowed me to hold him. "I know it must hurt to see me after what I did but I just – I just want to be your friend again. You – you matter to me."
Alex wouldn't meet my eyes anymore – he stared down at the wooden table in front of him. I didn't know why but I cupped his hand in both of mine and raised it to my mouth. "You matter to me," I breathed into my cupped hand.
He looked at me then. His brown eyes meeting my hazel ones. "You didn't have to pretend." I could see the hurt in his eyes ... but I could also see something else there, too: hope. Regardless, he continued. "You didn't have to pretend that I made all of this up and that we weren't anything but you did."
"I'm sorry, Alex." I breathed into his hand one more time. I couldn't resist it. I kissed his hand. For a second, I was terrified that he'd pull away. He didn't.
If you're gonna leave – then just leave.
But I don't want you to – I don't want you to.
At this point, we were leaning so close to each other. I could smell his breath and I was sure he could smell mine. He still smelled like Wintermint, I noticed. A small smile spread on my lips remembering how his mouth tasted.
The tension was killing me so I decided to go for it. I decided to remind him – remind myself – what it felt like to be with someone I cared about.
I met his eyes.
I kissed him.
It was a quick peck. Nothing too overwhelming. I pulled away, embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I – I just left Emma," I whispered, looking into his eyes.
I was winning him over, I could see it in his eyes.
Alex blinked and, with it, blinked away whatever thought he had of me. "No," he said, shaking his head. "I – I have to go."
I couldn't hide the pain in my eyes. "But – but I just left –"
"That's right," he interrupted. "You just left Emma. You just did," he said.
"Please don't go," I said as I saw him begin to stand up.
"You were right," he said as he dug his keys out of his pocket. "Seeing you does hurt too much."
Do you want me to stop you?
Should I make a scene?
Throw my beer at the wall?
Do you want me to scream that I don't really love you?
`Cause I really do, girl.
Alex turned away from me and headed to the parking lot but, in the last moment before he turned the corner and disappeared from view, I swear I saw him falter.
I don't want to fight – I got nothing to prove.
If you want this as bad as I do.
Then it's your move.
It's your move.