Alex and Sebastian 37

Hey guys! So, season finale again. Damn. Hope you guys ... appreciate ... what I did for this chapter. Again, NO, this is not the end. There will be one last season – season 4 – after this. It will be shorter as there is only one more plot line I will be working on but I do hope you guys enjoy it. Also, it does involve a time jump of a few years. I'll get to that later (pun intended lol).

Back from the beginning of my writing, I had this entire part in my mind. Some of it was written in the old computer I had. When it broke, I had to rework it. I liked how it came out, though. Enjoy!

P.S. Apologies in advance ...

A fellow reader made a playlist with most of the songs I've either used or will use in the series. If y'all want to listen to it while reading the chapters the link for it is this:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLJZWEUrY9KRSfQ98rYlMYix46VM0CJ7XS

One new song will be added on to the playlist.

Look Away – Eli Lieb

The email you can reach me at is lore.guerra13@gmail.com for questions, comments, concerns or donations ha-`ha, just kidding!

In all seriousness, please don't forget to donate to nifty here, without which we wouldn't have this collection of great stories!

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I stayed at the bar of El Vaso for another hour or so. Drinking and debating on what my next move was going to be. I knew it wasn't fair for me to make this hard for Alex, but I couldn't leave it at that. I pushed my drink aside, paid my tab, and got into my car.

Driving straight to Alex's apartment, I knocked and waited for Alex to open the door. When he did, a look of surprise filled his face. "Sebastian," he said as he held the door ajar. "Sebastian, what are you doing here?"

All of a sudden, all the words and phrases I planned to say vanished from my mind. "I – I came to talk." I looked into Alex's eyes and realized that wasn't 100% true. "Actually, I came to apologize. I didn't get a chance to after you left."

If I had just one tear running down your cheek

Maybe I could cope – maybe I'd get some sleep.

If I had just one moment at your expense

Maybe all my misery would be well spent.

I couldn't place the look Alex had in his eyes as I stood in front of him. It felt like forever until I heard him speak. "Thanks," he said, "But you didn't have to come over to do that again." He looked away from me for a second then turned back. "Anyways, I had forgiven you long before that night at Vaso."

I saw Alex turn around and begin to close the door. I used my left hand to stop it. "Alex, wait." I pushed open the door and walked in. "Of course I did," I said, walking around half empty cardboard boxes.

He stopped halfway through his living room and looked back at me. "What, Sebastian?" He asked. "I've forgiven you already. That's all you came back for, right? You can go now." He turned away from me again.

If your love could be caged – honey, I would hold the key

And conceal it under the pile of lies you handed me.

And you'd hunt – and those lies – they'd be all you'd ever find.

And that'd be all you have to know for me to be fine.

I got closer to him. "Alex, stop." I needed him to listen to me. "We can't avoid this conversation. Neither of us can."

Alex turned back to face me again, hands crossed in front of him. "I forgave you," he said. "What more do you want?"

I shook my head and shrugged. "You don't mean that."

Alex uncrossed his arms and threw them up in frustration. "Look, Sebastian, if you don't believe me, that's your own guilty conscience. It has nothing to do with –"

"Of course I don't believe you," I interrupted. "I – what I did to you? You have a right to be angry at me."

You have a right to be more than angry at me, I thought.

"Please," he sighed. "I'm done being angry with you. I was. Now I'm not." He paused for a second and met my eyes, "Now I'm just ... done. I knew that as soon as we kissed that night."

I couldn't have this. I didn't travel all this way to have it end like this. I didn't leave Emma for this. I didn't lose everything for this. "Alex, look at me. You know there's still something there. We both do."

Alex got visibly frustrated. "What the – Sebastian! What we had? It was just sex." I could see in his eyes how deeply my words had cut him. "You said that, remember? Well, you were right. Now we both need to get over it. I really need to finish packing." He turned away again to walk into his room.

Give it up, baby.

I hear you're doing fine

Nothing's gonna save me – I can see it in your eyes.

Some kind of heartache, honey.

Give it a try.

I was frustrated with myself for how this evening was going so I grabbed his forearm before he could leave. "Alex, stop! Look at me! Talk to me!"

Alex turned around, his face completely different at my touch. "Why?!" He yelled. "So you can leave again?! So you can leave me alone after you're done with me?" I froze where I stood. "You did it once. Why wouldn't you do it again?"

I remembered four nights ago, explaining to him why I had left. Why I had to leave in that way. "Alex, you know why I left."

Alex pulled his arm away from mine and looked me dead in the eye. "The way you left, though? Why did you have to do that? You needed to push me away – I know that." He shook his head in frustration. "But you didn't need to say that shit to me. You said things you knew would hurt me. You didn't have to tear me apart. You wanted to hurt me."

Could you cry just a little?

Die just a little?

Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain.

I gave now I'm wanting something in return.

So, cry just a little for me.

Could you cry a little for me?

I remembered the look in Alex's eyes when I had brought up his parents. I knew that was going to hurt him. That's why I had to say it. It was the only way he was going to be so angry with me that he'd let me go ... but also hate me enough to not completely forget me. "You know why I did that," I said.

"Because you wanted to push me away?"

I shook my head. It was true ... but it wasn't the whole truth. "No, you know that's not all of it."

"Then?" he asked.

I couldn't bring myself to say the words out loud. "You know why."

"No. I don't."

"Because," I shrugged. "Because I ... fell in love with you."

There, I said it.

"No." I blinked as that word echoed in my head. That wasn't what I was expecting to hear from him. "Don't give me that shit, Sebastian. Don't say things you don't fucking mean because you think it'll fix everything."

My eyes never left his. "I do mean them," I said.

I did.

Alex shook his head again. "You can't just make someone care for you and then throw them away, Sebastian!" I flinched as he rose his voice to me. "You can't fucking do that! Did you know that I sobbed for you? Did you even care? I fell apart for you. For months, I did nothing but sob and hate myself because of the things you said to me – because of what you did to me."

I'll never touch your body again.

We gave it our all but this is the end.

So we say that we tried.

Watching you fade, I know it's goodbye.

I can't lie and say that I hadn't known Alex went through all of that because of me. "Alex, I'm sorry."

"No, Sebastian. I - I waited for you like a dumbass that night. I waited at your fucking door, praying – begging God – that you hadn't left. You broke my heart. You made me believe you loved me and then you destroyed me. You think a simple `sorry' will fix all of that?"

But I can't look away from you – I can't look away.

I'm trying to face the truth from the mess that we made.

So we say that we've tried.

But I can't look away from you – I can't look away.

I remember seeing Alex at El Vaso the night Emma and I had moved. He hadn't seen me when he walked out after singing his song. I had seen him, though. I couldn't forget how hurt he looked. "I'm sorry, Alex. I am. But – but that's why I came back. I came back for you. I came back to fix what I broke." I meant it. I wanted nothing more than another chance and not fuck up this time. I just needed him to give it to me.

"Don't give me that shit, Sebastian!"

"What do you mean, Alex?" I asked, unable to see the wrong in what I had said.

"You always did that. You always said or did just enough to keep me clinging on to you like a – like a fucking fool. Don't think I don't know what you're going through. I know about Emma and Mark and ... the other stuff. I know you're just using me because you're lonely. You always just used me when you were lonely. You didn't lie about that."

I miss watching you asleep – your scent on my sheets.

Such a bittersweet, beautiful mind haunting my dreams.

So, I know you'll be fine – say it's alright.

Watching you fade `cause this is goodbye.

Hearing Mark and Emma's name felt like a stab wound to the heart. I blinked away the pain and focused on the now. "Look, Alex. I admit it. You were never supposed to mean this much to me. I was never supposed to fall this hard. But you know what? I did. I did and that's the truth – even if you don't believe me. Even if you don't want to hear it." I reached for both of his shoulders and held him. "That's what keeps me holding on because I realized it hurts like hell to let you go."

"Hurt?" Alex moved my hands away and stepped closer to me. Instead of his usual warmth though, I was met with an ice-cold shell. "You can't say that I hurt you, Sebastian. You chose to leave me. I didn't. I didn't choose to be left lying on the floor, crying in my apartment – gasping for air. I didn't choose to be left choking on your memory. I didn't choose any of it. And I know I'm not supposed to show you how hard it still is for me. I know I'm supposed to have moved on and continue to bottle everything up inside and act like nothing happened – act like you didn't destroy everything inside me. But sometimes it still knocks the wind out of me. Sometimes I can feel the pain of what you did like a throb in my heart."

But I can't look away from you – I can't look away.

I'm trying to face the truth from the mess that we made.

So we say that we've tried.

But I can't look away from you – I can't look away.

I remember when I had first met Alex. From the beginning, I had liked him because of how much of a happy and positive person he was – almost like a little kid. This was not the person looking back at me now, though.

He had changed.

I had changed him.

I had made him grow up.

The consequences of my actions that night were staring back at me and I wanted nothing more than to reverse it - even when I knew I couldn't. "Let me fix this, Alex," I said. "I know I fucked up and I will go to my grave regretting it but let me fix this."

I reached forward and placed my lips to his. I needed him to feel for me what he felt before. I needed him to remember.

I'll be okay – are you okay?

Thinking about the way that we left this.

Will I grow to regret it?

Watching you fade, I know it's goodbye.

All too fast, I felt Alex's arms on my chest pushing me away.

"No." He looked me straight in the eyes, "Not again." And that's when I realized it: he didn't recognize me anymore. The Alex I knew and the Alex standing in front of me where two completely different people. The next words out of his mouth felt like ice water coursing through my veins. "Get out," he said.

I looked back at him, wanting him to remember me. "Alex, please." My voice felt so small – so vulnerable.

I didn't recognize me either.

"I – I can feel you forgetting me."

His eyes set, he looked at me. "Get out," he repeated.

This was it. This was my last chance to have him listen to me. I knew it. "Listen to me, Alex. I still care about you. I – I fell in love with you, too. I'm sorry it took all this shit to go down for me to realize this. Please don't push me away."

"You want to know something, Sebastian? I never stopped being in love with you. Never. Not even once. Not a single, fucking, God-forsaken, day." Alex shrugged, "Not even when I hated you." I flinched at this. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I had done this. I had made him hate me.

"But I broke my own heart loving you," he continued. "You were my fucking everything and I tried really hard to keep your memory alive. I really did – but one day – one day I woke up and I realized that the way you were making me feel hurt a hell of a lot more than how much I loved you. And I loved you – for God's sake – I loved you." I remained silent as I processed his words.

I can't look away from you – I can't look away.

I'm trying to face the truth from the mess that we made.

So we say that we've tried.

But I can't look away from you – I can't look away.

"No one is ever going to love you like I did," he continued, softer now. He didn't say this to hurt me – he wanted me to know that I had fucked this up for both of us. At this realization, I felt the last thread of hope I had for us snap – my fragile strength shattered. "No one is ever going to love you in that way."

His words echoed in my head. "Alex, please." I wasn't begging for him anymore. I was begging for me. I was begging for the better – the happier – person I was when I was with him. For the one who realized too late that he walked out on one of the only few true things he ever knew.

"Leave," he said.

I stared at him in silence, unable to do anything but stand there and breathe.

"LEAVE!"

The very word rattled me to the bone. It was over. It was done. I slowly turned away from Alex and exited his apartment. I felt the door slam behind me as I walked down the stairs to my car.

I'll never touch your body again.

We gave it our all but this is the end.

I drove back to pick up Lily from my aunt's house. Getting home, I put Lily down in her crib and set it next to my bed. I sat on the edge of the bed thinking about how all I knew had completely gone to shit. Laying down, I held Lily's arm through the gaps of her crib.

"It's just you and me now, Lily pad." I squeezed her hand as rocking sobs slowly escaped my chest.