Hello again guys, this is the final season for Alex and Sebastian. I hope you guys enjoy!
Anyways, please continue to email me so I know someone is reading and liking what I'm writing. I also have a playlist of songs that I listen to while writing the chapters if y'all are interested.
The email you can reach me at is email@example.com for questions, comments, concerns or donations ha-ha, just kidding!
A fellow reader made a playlist with most of the songs I've either used or will use in the series. If y'all want to listen to it while reading the chapters the link for it is this:
One new song will be added on to the playlist.
Who Am I to Stand In Your Way - Chestersee
I know there's been some confusion about the timeline so I'll clarify real quickly.
2016- Alex left to Austin.
2020- Alex and Jay come down for Thanksgiving.
2021- Seb goes to Austin to help Michele move.
2022- Jay dies.
2025- Alex and Matt meet.
2026- This season
Summer Alex met with Sebastian
September Alex and Matt move down
December Lea's wedding
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Flashback Summer 2025
I sat at the corner end of the bar drinking whiskey and coke. All I could think about as I drank was how, after two years, I still couldn't get the feeling of Jay's touch off my mind.
For two years, I had closed myself off from dating altogether. There were the occasional hookups now and then but nothing serious ever came out of them. I guess I just thought that what I had with Jay, I wouldn't be able to find with anyone else.
I ordered myself another drink after finishing my first.
Today was a special day. It was the day I had moved up here to Austin and left everything and everyone behind.
It had been almost seven years since I'd last seen everyone I missed them. A few of them like Carol, Ralf and Lea had showed up to Jay's funeral a few years ago. It was, after all, done back in our old home town like his mom wanted. Still, in moments like this, I just wished I had someone close.
Staring around the bar, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about Sebastian. His sister had been injured in the crash that killed Jay, too. I had kept up with her to see how she'd been feeling and, I guess, secretly, to find out how Sebastian was doing. He didn't even attend Jay's funeral, actually.
She never brought him up.
At the time, I didn't pay it much mind I was mourning, after all. Once I had time to think about it, I couldn't believe he didn't show. Despite our differences and how we ended everything, I really thought Sebastian would have cared enough to pay his respects ... but I guess he didn't.
I sighed, thinking that maybe, if he had, we'd have been able to talk and mend things. Maybe he was still mad at me for leaving him I don't know. Hell, just last week I got the opportunity to take a business trip back home. I declined though, thinking Sebastian might actually hate me and not want to see me. Someone else went in my place instead. I guess, I didn't think he'd want to see me regardless of how much I missed him.
My train of thought was interrupted as someone tapped my shoulder. I turned to see a tall, dark-haired, good-looking guy looking down at me. "Hey," he said.
I didn't want to talk with anyone right now. "Sorry," I sighed, "I'm not interested, man."
I turned away from him just in time to see him look surprised. "Actually," he chuckled, "Can I have a napkin? You you're kind of in the way."
I looked to my left and, sure enough, a pile of napkins were stacked next to the wall. If my face could get any redder, I'm sure I would have matched the color of the wine the girl two booths down was drinking.
"Yeah," I shook my head, embarrassed. "I'm sorry. Here you go."
Great, I make myself look like an ass in front of a great looking guy. Classic me.
"Thank you," he said. He was about to walk off when something stopped him and he turned back to face me. "Listen, I don't mean to be rude or anything but are you drinking alone? If you are, you can come drink with my coworkers over by that booth."
I gave him a small smile. "It's okay, thanks. I'm fine here."
"Sure," he said. "I'll just drink here with you, then."
I turned to see him pull up a stool and sit next to me. "Excuse me," he called out to our bartender. "Can we have another round?"
"Thanks," I said taking the drink. "You didn't need to do that, though. Besides, I should probably be leaving soon."
"Oh, come on," he smiled. "Soon is soon. It's not the same as now, is it?"
I couldn't stop the smile that formed on my lips. I nodded and drank.
When he looked at me expectantly, I answered. "Alex."
He smiled. "So, Alex. What are you doing here all by your lonesome? Got in a fight with your girlfriend or what?"
I took a sip of my drink. "Don't have a girlfriend, man."
"I see," he smiled. "So the next drink will just have to be a double then, huh?"
I couldn't stop myself from laughing. "What about you, stranger? I don't even know your name."
"It's Mathew Matt, for short. All my friends call me that."
"And what should I call you?" I asked as I took a sip of the drink he had just bought me.
Mathew took a drink from his scotch and smiled. "You can call me Matt."
I smiled. "Matt it is."
3 weeks before the wedding
Thanksgiving week was here again. A few days before we headed to Lea's, I told Matt I wanted to visit Darren, Jay's little brother, for a bit to see how he was.
Matt agreed and that's how I ended up lying in Darren's bed throwing a rubber ball at the ceiling, waiting for him as he looked for something in his room. As I laid there, we small talked about how school and work were going for both of us. At 22, he was now on his senior year at the University of Austin studying photography.
"What about you, D? How's the love life going?"
"Well," he said, "I'm actually talking to a guy from back in high school."
"Oh, yeah?" I raised my eyebrows. "How's that going?"
"It's going ... good," he smiled.
A small chuckle escaped me, "That's good," I said.
"What about you, A?" Darren sat back down on his desk and opened his computer. "How are you doing with Matt?"
I gave an inconspicuous sigh. "It's ... going."
Darren spun around on his chair to face me. "Why does that sound a lot more like it's going south rather than north?"
I sighed again. "It's complicated, D."
Darren squinted his eyes as he looked at me. "Is it complicated because there's someone else?"
I looked at Darren, surprised that he'd be able to deduce that. "How why would you think there's someone else?"
Darren gave a small laugh before turning away from me and facing his computer again. "Isn't there always someone else?"
I thought about that a few seconds before smiling. "Yeah, guess so."
Darren continued to type on his computer. "So, what's the guy's name?"
"Sebastian," I said.
Faster than I thought he could, he spun on his chair to face me again. "Wait, is this the Sebastian guy my brother talked about? The one you left here when you moved to Austin?"
I couldn't believe he'd remember something like that. "Uh, yeah. Why?"
"He was my biology teacher my senior year. He had really nice things to say about my brother when, you know, all that happened."
I looked over at him. "Did he?"
"Yeah, El Vaso, my brother's favorite place to play at, had a small event to help my mom and I pay off some funeral bills. He showed up and played something for him. I think hell, I think my mom has a copy of it somewhere. I'll see if I can find it and send it to you. He said some nice things about you, too, I think."
I nodded at Darren as he turned around to finish whatever it was that he was typing on his computer. After a few minutes, he closed his computer and rolled his chair closer to me, "So, tell me why my old high school teacher is making you have second thoughts."
"Well, it's not him per se. I just when I'm with Matt, I don't feel the same way I do when I'm with Sebastian."
"I don't know. I just feel like there's something missing when I'm with him."
"Okay, well, why don't you just break up with him?"
"I've thought about it, really. The thing is that he's a good guy, you know? He's smart, he's funny, he's caring, and he has his life on track. I don't want to throw that away."
"You mean it's safer to be with him?"
"No. it's not that."
"I don't know. Maybe maybe it is. I guess that at this point in my life, I don't have time to risk losing out on a guy like Matt over feelings I might still have for Sebastian."
"Isn't it better to be with someone you really love over someone you don't?"
I smiled at Darren and rustled his hair. "I remember when I was your age, D. Hell, it was around that age when I met Sebastian and your brother." I sighed, remembering those days. "It was so easy to just think that love conquered all. After so many years, you learn that sometimes love just ... can't."
"Alex, when it's real, you can't just walk away. You don't stay with someone you can live with. You stay with someone you can't live without."
For Thanksgiving, Lea and Brandon had invited us back to their place for a small get together. As Alex got ready, I finished the mashed potatoes I had promised to take over.
"Babe, are you almost finished?" I shouted from the kitchen.
"Almost," came back Alex's reply.
That "almost" turned into another 20 minutes. By 7:30PM, we left our place and drove to Lea's. When we got there, Alex went off to help Lea set up the table as I walked off to see if Brandon needed help. Five minutes later, we heard the doorbell ring. Lea went to open the door and I saw Sebastian walk in carrying some beers. Melissa walked in right behind him. I hadn't seen her in a while and I guess I thought they had broken up. Glad to see they hadn't. I ran over to help him carry the second case into the kitchen.
"Hey, Sebastian," I said as he finished placing the first case of beers into the fridge and Melissa walked off to talk with Lea. Sebastian looked up at me and closed the fridge.
"Yeah, man? What's up?" His hazel eyes searched my face as he stood in front of me.
"I just wanted to thank you for taking Alex to Austin two weeks ago and accompanying him to Jay's last week. It was really nice of you."
Sebastian gave me a small smile. "Of course, Matt. No problem."
Before he could leave, I held his arm. "Listen, Sebastian." Sebastian turned around to look at me and I let go of his arm. "Sorry, can I can I ask you something?"
His eyebrows furrowed but he nodded.
"How are you and Melissa?"
"Oh," he looked surprised. "We're good, I guess. We stopped talking for a bit but I feel like we can really hit it off so we're giving it another chance."
I smiled. "That's great, man. You two look great together."
"Thanks, Matt." Sebastian knelt back down to keep restocking the beers.
I shook my head and sighed. "No wait, that's not what I wanted to ask you, man."
Sebastian stood up and looked at me. "No? Then what is it, dude?"
"It's about you and Alex, are you how long have y'all known each other for? You guys seem pretty close but Alex never talked about you is why."
"Oh," it surprised me that Sebastian looked a little uncomfortable at the subject. "Well, we were friends back when we went to UNIV together. I had him for a few classes before he went up to Austin with Jay."
"Right," I said. I knew all about how Alex had moved to Austin with his ex-fiancι. I even knew a little about his friends from before he moved. I had never heard much about Sebastian, though. I never gave it much thought until I realized how friendly they were to each other after so many years. I found it kind of weird for Alex to never have mentioned him. "You guys were good friends then?"
Sebastian hesitated. "Sort of," he said.
"Sort of?" I asked.
"Yeah," Sebastian looked even more uncomfortable. "We had a huge fight before he left to Austin. We didn't speak for years, really."
All of a sudden, a realization hit me. "You guys were together." I didn't phrase it as a question I didn't have to. Regardless, Sebastian gave me a small nod.
"Yeah, it was years ago, though," he said as he shook his head. "We're better off now as just friends. I could see why he wouldn't want to talk about it, though since there's nothing to talk about."
I nodded, understanding that the fight he spoke of must have cost them their relationship not just romantically but friendship wise as well.
I realized that Sebastian was an entire part of Alex's life I didn't know about. It made sense why they'd be so friendly with each other. I wasn't a jealous guy, really, but even I couldn't stop myself from questioning how deep their connection went. After all, you can't completely erase a person or the feelings you have for them from your life. Nodding and offering Sebastian a smile, I let him go back to stocking the fridge with the second case of beers and walked back to where Alex and Brandon were talking. I offered Alex a small kiss but was unable to tell if he kissed me back half-heartedly or if it was just in my imagination.
After Brandon and I set up the brand new big screen TV he and Lea bought, we turned it on and watched the Thanksgiving Day football game. For the first half of the game, we drank, called out the refs for missed calls, and called out the coaches for stupid plays. After a few minutes before the half time show started, I stood up and went to the kitchen to get another beer.
As I opened it, I thought about the conversation Darren and I had a few days back. I looked at Matt as he and Brandon sat on the couch discussing the game so far.
"You okay?" I jumped as Sebastian's voice startled me.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I composed myself. Since the day that I had kissed Sebastian while visiting Jay, I had tried distancing myself from him. I thought it would help clear my head but, really, it only made me miss and think of him more. "Listen, can we talk?" I asked as everyone was busy watching the halftime show and drinking.
I nudged my head in the direction of the back door and we snuck out to Lea's backyard. Sebastian crossed his arms as the evening's fresh air hit him first. "It's a little chilly out here, A." Sebastian turned to me as I closed the door behind us. "What did you want to talk about?"
I crossed my arms in front of me as a cold breeze hit me. "The kiss that happened that day when we visited Jay's, I "
Sebastian grabbed my shoulders and gave me a small smile. "God, A. I told you, it's fine." I looked away from Sebastian as the words I wanted to say stuck to my throat. "What?" He asked, noticing my hesitation.
I locked eyes with him. "Do you know how hard it is to be around you?"
Sebastian's eyebrows furrowed and his hands went back to his side. "Hard? What do you "
"It takes everything inside me not to hold you and to touch you and to kiss you. You're in my mind all the time, Sebastian. It's eating me from the inside."
Sebastian let out a half-hearted sigh and looked away. Before I could continue, he turned back to face me. "You have a boyfriend," he said.
My eyes never left his. "Yeah," I whispered.
The tension between us was heavy. "What happened to you wanting us to just be friends? I promised you I wasn't going to mess with you and Matt's relationship."
I gave him a sad smile. "I know."
"I don't know." I turned away from him and ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. "I just I'm scared I'm making a mistake. I'm I'm a fucking mess!"
"Whoa, whoa," Sebastian grabbed my arm and tried to calm me down. "Listen, you're not a mess. You're just confused." Sebastian held me at arm's length but looked into my eyes. "I want you, too, okay? I want us but I don't want you to rush into this because you're scared. I know what I'm saying doesn't make sense either but, really, none of this does. The only thing I know for certain is that I love you and I don't like seeing you like this scared."
I looked at him as my breath caught in my throat. "You you love me?" I whispered.
He gave me a small, sad smile. "Of course I do, Alex, but I don't want to be the reason you lose out on someone like Matt."
"What do I do?" I whispered.
"What does your heart want?"
"I want I want to be in love. I don't I don't think I have that with Matt."
We stared at each other in silence. After a few more seconds, he spoke. "You know, I should we should just go inside."
"No," I held his arm as he headed back to the door. "Don't." I could feel Sebastian try to pull himself away. "Just wait," I said as he turned around to pry my hand off of his arm. Taking hold of his hand, I looked up and realized our faces were inches apart. Without thinking, I leaned in and kissed him. Our lips met and I felt Sebastian's surprise at my kiss. I pulled away and we looked at each other again. Slowly, I leaned forward, inch by inch. My lips grazed his and I felt his restraint dissolve. Sebastian's mouth was like fire against mine as we kissed more passionately this time.
We pulled apart quickly as we heard the back door begin to open. "Guys, what the fuck are y'all doing? Come inside. Game's about to start." Ralf motioned for us to hurry up. Like dogs with our tails between our legs, we followed Ralf inside and joined the party again.
I turned to see Alex, Ralf, and Sebastian walk in from the back of the kitchen. Had they gone outside? I noticed that only Alex and Sebastian's faces looked pale, as if the night's air from outside had been hitting them longer that it did with Ralf. I shook the thought off as Alex sat next to me in the couch to watch the game.
Maybe I was just imaging it, but when I looked over at Sebastian and Melissa I swear I saw him give her a half-hearted kiss.
The game was over but we still had a lot of drinks left in the fridge and Alex still had feelings for me.
Alex still had feelings for me.
After all this time, he still had feelings for me. Fuck, it was so much easier dealing with him and Matt when I thought he didn't care about me the way I cared about him. It being this way was so much harder to deal with.
I know I should be happy he cared for me but I just couldn't ignore the fact that he was with someone. I knew what it felt like to be confused about what you want and what you think you want.
"Seb!" Lea walked up to Melissa and me as we drank in the kitchen. "Hurry, Alex is going to sing a song for us!" Lea grabbed Melissa and I by our wrists and pulled us back into the living room to where Alex was sitting with a guitar.
"Guys!" He said, "I told you, I don't feel like playing today."
"Oh!" Melissa slapped my arm. "Sebastian can play!" Everyone's eyes turned to look at me.
"Oh, no. No, I can't."
"'Course you can! You even said you had done an original song when we went out to dinner a few weeks ago."
"An original song?" Lea stood up and walked up to me. "Sebastian, you need to play that!"
"No, really guys." They weren't backing down. I sighed. "Fine, if anything, I can play you a cover of, like, Bruno Mars or something."
"No. No. No. Play that original song you wrote. We want to hear it," Lea insisted.
"Yeah, babe," Melissa caressed my arm trying to convince me. "Do it for me." I couldn't help it and I looked at Alex. Our eyes met and I saw in them the same things I was feeling: nervousness and fear.
We did meet at El Vaso and I played her a song, after all. When I told Melissa about the original song, I was just trying to impress her. We had gone out on two dates after Lea's welcome back dinner and she had asked me if I had ever written something. I told her yes and she said she wanted to hear it. Well, that never panned out until now.
The thing is, when I wrote the song, I was writing it about a specific person and how I felt about them. That specific person was sitting on the couch in front of me being hugged by his current boyfriend.
"Really, guys? Can't I play anything else?"
"Oh, come on Seb. We're all friends here. Do it for us," Lea insisted.
There was no way out of this. "Ok, fine." I gave up. "But just a little context. I wrote it back in high school," I lied. "It was about a girl I went out with that I was crazy for." For a second, my eyes met Alex's and I snapped them away as fast as I could. "I It's stupid because I haven't seen her since."
I resigned myself to pull Lea's one person couch in front of everyone and sat on it.
I sighed as Ralf handed me a guitar, took a deep breath and sang.
I may have said things that aren't exactly the way that I feel.
I told you I'd be strong.
I said that I've moved on.
But it doesn't take long to realize
That I'm not over you."
As I played, I avoided meeting anyone's eyes. I had never played this song for anyone I never had the need to especially not to the person it was meant for. I stared at the floor as my words, weaving with the sounds of the guitar, engulfed the room. Hell, you could almost touch the pain and longing I felt when writing this song. It was like a thick film that rested on my skin. I was so aware of everyone giving me their undivided attention.
"I know it sounds crazy but I need you to trust me.
If it's how it must be, then I'll fade away.
When it finally feels true, do what you have to.
`Cause I'll never blame you for not choosing me.
But I'm not over you."
This was the hardest verse for me to write and I felt my voice break a little at the end.
Okay, all the song was hard for me to write because putting exactly how I felt into words was excruciating.
I knew I was an ass to him back then I was. I had apologized to him the very last time I saw him before he left but it hadn't been enough. He had still left. I couldn't blame him for not choosing me.
I know I lied to everyone about having written this song in high school. The truth was that I had actually written it only a few years ago along with one other song. It was maybe a month or two after I had that slip with Ralf while helping Michele move her things to Austin. I remember how heartbroken I was when Alex left me for Jay and all those feelings had risen up like vile in my throat when I saw that Jay and him were engaged.
It took me a while to understand why he did that and, like my song said, I'll never blame him for not choosing me.
But that didn't mean I was over him.
"If there is somebody that makes you feel happy,
Tends to your heart in the ways I'd been lacking.
Then who am I who am I to stand in your way?"
Years after writing this song, I couldn't believe how much some of the verses still related to what I was going through now.
Five years ago, Alex was happy with Jay. Now, he was happy(ish) with Matt.
Who was I to stand in his way?
"The way that I feel is no longer your burden.
If there is someone that makes you feel perfect.
Then who am I who am I to stand in your way?"
I was never a good person to him when we were together at least not the way he deserved. I never gave him the care or love I should have given him because we were always running around behind Emma's back.
If Matt could offer him that, then who was I to stand in his way?
But even after all this time, after all this pain and after all these reasons ... I still couldn't stop myself from being in love with him.
"Down the road, someone will ask me if I know you.
I'll pause for a moment, I'll smile and say that I used to."
As I looked up, I finished this song to a polite round of applause. My friends and Melissa congratulated me on such a beautiful song. Melissa even said how lucky she was that I never sang this to the girl it was meant for because if it was her, she would never have left me go.
I stole a glance at Alex and wondered if that would have been the case ... but I didn't and here we were years later.
I tore my glance away from Alex and saw Matt looking at me. In his eyes, I saw something. It took me a second to realize that what I saw in them wasn't anger or jealousy or anything malicious like that. What I saw in his eyes were a simple truth: the trust between us was no longer there. From what I told him earlier, he knew I lied about who this song was for and nothing I said or did would convince him otherwise.
At least, I didn't need to worry about him finding out anymore.