Of An Unrequited Love
Saturday, I slept until three. I felt like crap. My head was pounding, but I had to be at work
at five. I got off at nine so it was a
short day and I could relax afterwards.
There was one thing in particular that I planned on doing before I went
to work and that was going by the Verizon store and getting a new cell phone.
I was extremely pissed off at myself
for throwing my phone and breaking it. I
had the wireless replacement insurance on it, but still it cost me fifty
dollars to get a replacement phone. That
is fifty dollars that I could have spent on something else.
I got another android phone just
like I had before. I added all of the
contacts that I had in my old phone using my Google account. I thought about deleting Kevin's number. Obviously he didn't want to have any kind of
contact with me. Even though he changed his phone number on me, I still loved
him and couldn't just delete him out of my life like that.
I hadn't talked to Chandler since
last night and I knew that he worked tonight.
I remembered in vivid detail everything that happened the night
before. I just felt like I had made a
fool out of myself and was nervous about being around him.
It just so happened that while I was
on my break that night, Chandler was on break also. I wasn't expecting him to sit next to me, but
he did. I thought that I had ruined any
chance of being friends with him and Seth.
"I have some news for you." He told me as he sat down at my table.
"What's that?" I asked.
"Well, Seth couldn't find out much,
but you will be happy to know that his mom didn't send him to one of those
I looked at Chandler.
I guess he just decided to cease contact with me on his own then."
"Maybe there is something else to
it." Chandler suggested.
"I dunno." I shook my head. "I really don't know anything anymore."
He touched my shoulder.
"Don't say that about yourself. You know plenty. You know how to love some unconditionally
from what I have observed."
"Look at how that turned out."
I was glad to find out that Kevin
was okay. The idea of him being sent to
one of those places that tried to turn gay people straight scared me.
"Just stay positive Ryan. You never know what the future holds." Chandler smiled at me.
I guess he was right. I could never know what the future held. Kevin could come around and we could work
things out or maybe I would meet the perfect guy when I least expected it.
Work drug by that night. All I could think of was what the future
would hold for me. Kevin was in all of
my thoughts the rest of the night. Every
time I saw a guy come through my checkout line that resembled Kevin in any way
I would feel like my heart had been ripped out all over again.
When I went home, Dan was there
waiting for me. He had invited Mike and
Haleigh over and wanted the four of us to hang out that night. I guess I had told him about Kevin changing
his phone number and just didn't remember telling him. He said hopefully this would cheer me up a
Mike and Haleigh were both extremely
upset about what had happened. Haleigh
had seemed to think that Kevin and I would work things out. Now she thought that it was obvious that Kevin
didn't want to work it out. They both
expressed how much they hated him at the moment and didn't care if they ever
saw him again.
Hearing how much my friends hated
Kevin made things worse for me in a way.
I couldn't help but think that only a few days earlier these were his
friends also. Who did he have to talk to
now, his mom and Eric? The friends that
we had spent the past few years sharing seemed to despise him for the sake of
me. For this I felt bad that they would
take sides. Even if I hurt, I still felt
bad for Kevin. Who did he really have?
We hung out until later in the
night. I had fun, but no matter what
anyone did or said I just kept thinking about Kevin and what he was doing.
When I went to bed I cried myself to
sleep. I wanted him to be there with me
so badly. I would have given anything to
snuggle with him.
The next morning when I woke up I
felt like crap. I had no energy and even
though the swelling on my right eye was starting to go away, I still had huge
bags under my eyes from not sleeping well.
This made the black eye seem the same even though it was better.
I needed to talk to Kevin. I knew that if I did then I would feel
better. This would all go away and we
both could be happy again. I came up
with a plan to see him.
I knew that he worked every Sunday
morning. I had to work later on that
evening, so the first thing that I did when I got up Sunday morning was drive
over to Caughman's. I had to talk to
Kevin and this was the only way that I had left to talk to him.
First thing I noticed was that his
truck wasn't in the parking lot in front of the store. Maybe he parked in the back. I got out of my car and went inside the
store. When I went in the sound of the
buzzer went off and Quintin came from out of the back room behind the counter
where he had been.
"Hey Quintin, is Kevin here
today?" I asked him.
He looked at me with a puzzled look
on his face.
"No." He replied.
"Didn't you hear?"
"Hear what?" I had no idea what was going on. I hadn't talked to Kevin in days.
"He quit." Quinton told me. "He came in here a few minutes before he was
supposed to be here on Thursday and quit.
It left us shorthanded." He
looked at me. "What's going on with
I shrugged my shoulders.
"I dunno. I haven't talked to him either. If you see him please tell him that I came in
here looking for him."
I went outside sat in my car and
cried. How was I ever going to talk to
Kevin again? He changed his phone
number, blocked me on Facebook, he obviously quit his job so I couldn't go in
there and talk to him.
I went home; sadder than I was when
I got up that morning. I no longer
knowing what to do lied in bed and cried.
Dan came in my room to try to talk
to me and I snapped at him. I felt bad
afterwards because he didn't deserve that.
He has been nothing but supportive and the best friend anyone could ask
I apologized right before I left to
go to work. I figured that I hurt his
feelings, but luckily I didn't. He told
me that he understood and no matter how bad I got he would still be there for
Worked sucked that night, it was a
Sunday night and was kind of slow.
Chandler and Iboth managed to take our breaks
at the same time. I went outside with
him on his break where he lit up a cigarette.
"You want one?" He handed the pack over to me.
I knew I shouldn't, but hey it
seemed to make me briefly feel better the other night, so maybe it would
now. I took one out of the pack, stuck
it in my mouth and borrowed Chandler's lighter to light it.
any better?" He asked me.
I took a long puff from my
"Well, my boyfriend pretty much
dumped me. He blocked me on Facebook,
changed his phone number and quit his job all because he doesn't want to talk
to me." I laughed and blew smoke at Chandler.
"Don't get much better than that."
will get better Ryan. Just give it
time." He told me.
We continued to talk until our break
was over. I probably shouldn't have, but
I asked Chandler if I could borrow a few cigarettes from him for later and he
ended up giving me the rest of his pack.
I never imagined myself smoking, but
it seemed to be a big stress reliever. I
needed all I could get to relieve stress at the moment.
The rest of work slowly went
by. I was so happy and relieved when
Kyle locked the doors and I got out of there shortly after that. He actually invited me to come
hang out with him, Misty and some of the others after work, but I declined.
When I went home, Dan was sitting in
the living room watching a movie. He paused it when he saw me come in.
"How did work go for ya?" He looked at me intently.
"It sucked." I replied.
"All I could think about was what I could do to get Kevin back. Why does it have to be so hard?"
I walked over to the couch and sat
down next to Dan.
"I dunno," He replied. "I don't like seeing you like this. Is there anything I can do for you?"
I shrugged my shoulders.
"Just keep doing what you are
doing." I glanced over at him. "I get paid this Wednesday so I will give you
my half the rent and the payday after that I will give you my share of the
"Sounds good to
I got up from the couch and walked
over to the patio door that led out onto the balcony. I opened it and peered over the edge. Everything looked different from up there.
I pulled the pack of cigarettes out
of my pocket and lit one. I could
instantly feel a new euphoria flow through my body.
I heard the door open behind me and
turned around to see Dan standing behind me.
He walked over to the edge of the balcony and stood next to me.
"Don't you know those things are bad
I shrugged my shoulders.
"We are all going to die
someday." I replied. "Some sooner than others."
We stood there for a few more
minutes, neither one of us saying anything.
"Do you think you might see him in
class tomorrow?" Dan finally broke the
silence between the two of us.
"No idea." I replied as I took a puff of my cigarette
being sure not to blow the smoke in Dan's face.
"My guess is that he probably changed his schedule so he wouldn't have
to be around me."
"What an asshole." Dan muttered it under his breath, but I could
still make out what he said.
The two of us stood out on the
balcony talking long enough for me to finish the cigarette that I had already
started and to finish a second one. We
talked about everything. It actually
took my mind off Kevin for once.
The night ended shortly after that
for both of us. Dan had to get up early
and go to work and I had class in the morning.
I slept better than I did the past
few nights. I only woke up three times
compared to waking up almost every hour the previous nights.
I lied in bed until I absolutely had
to get up. I threw on a pair of jeans
and a t-shirt, not bothering to take a shower.
I lit up a cigarette as I headed out the door.
I didn't get my hopes up this time
about getting to see Kevin. I kind of
figured that he wouldn't show up for class and I was right he didn't show
up. Professor Randall asked me to stay
after class once again.
"Sorry to keep you after class
again." She walked over to my desk that
I was sitting at.
"You eye looks a lot better." She looked at my eye.
"Thanks." I muttered.
"Are you okay?" She asked me.
"Kevin dropped all of his classes.
Is everything fine with you two?"
I was kind of thinking that something
like this would happen. I figured he
would just change his schedule so that we no longer had any classes
together. I didn't think that he would
drop out of class all together.
I explained the entire story to
Professor Randall. She listened intently
the whole time.
"I'm so sorry that happened Ryan." She
told me after I finished telling her the story.
"If you need anything you let me
With that said, I left the
room. I spent the rest of the day in a
zombie like state. I was just going
through the motions, not knowing what else was left to do in life.
The rest of the week went by doing
the same things over and over. It had
become a routine with me. I would get up
go to class try to listen to the lectures as the teachers talked. Then I would go to work on the days that I
had to work. On the days I didn't work I
would go home and lie in bed until Dan got home and forced me out of bed.
That was the first week. The second week was a little better for
me. I was starting to not think of Kevin
as much. He knew where I worked. He knew my phone number, it was the same one
I had since junior year of high school.
If he wanted to contact me he knew how.
Dan and the girl that he was dating
were starting to get serious about things.
They had officially become girlfriend and boyfriend. Her name was Miranda. She was really nice. She and I had gotten to know each other
better from her coming over sometimes before Dan got off work.
She somehow knew the whole story
about Kevin and me. She kept going on
and on with her gay best friend that she thought would be perfect for me. She
said that I should move on and even I knew myself that would be the best thing
to do. Kevin had made it pretty clear
that he didn't want to have anything to do with me.
I finally agreed to go out with her
friend on the first weekend in October.
It had been a little under a month since I last spoke to Kevin. I still wondered how he was and what he was
doing, but I knew that I was just wasting my time. I had to move on and forget about Kevin no
matter how bad it hurt. I just couldn't
spend the rest of my life dwelling on someone that I couldn't have.
We decided on something
informal. I hadn't met the guy or seen
any pictures of him at all. The only
thing that I knew was that his name was Aiden and he was the same age as the
rest of us.
Dan and I drove to the Country Inn,
which was the place that we had agreed to meet at. Miranda and Aiden were already there waiting
He was pretty cute actually. He had blonde hair that was cut into a surfer
hairstyle. He was a little bit taller
than me probably around five feet seven or so.
He wore a yellow polo shirt with the collar flipped up accompanied by a
pair of blue and red plaid shorts.
He smiled at me. His green eyes twinkled.
He held out his hand for me to
"Hey, I'm Aiden. You must be Ryan. Miranda has been telling me so much about
I smiled at him too.
"Yeah she keeps talking about you
"I hope she only says good things."
Miranda playfully punched Aiden on
"You know I would never say bad
things about you."
Dinner went by smoothly. We all talked nonstop the entire time. The only problem that I seemed to have, was that it felt like I was cheating on Kevin.
I had learned that Miranda and Aiden
used to be boyfriend and girlfriend. He
was confused about things and was just doing what all the other guys were
doing. They broke up after Miranda found
him making out with a guy under the bleachers at high school. She was mad at him for a few days and after
that they have been best friends ever since.
I had fun that night, the most fun
that I had in awhile actually. I just
couldn't get rid of the feeling that I was cheating on Kevin. We had never officially broken up, but he
seemed to make it pretty clear that he didn't want to have any sort of contact
Dan and I made it home a little
after one o'clock in the morning. Aiden
knew the situation that I was in and didn't want to pressure me into
anything. We both agreed that we could
be good friends and if something else came out of it then we would let it.
Aiden and I went out a few more
times after that. The first time we went
on another double date with Dan and Miranda.
It went pretty well again.
The next week, we went on a double
date with Mike and Haleigh. They both
seemed to like him a lot. They both like
that he had a great sense of humor and was an all around great guy, I actually
agreed with them.
I still wondered what Kevin was
doing from time to time. No one had
heard from him. It almost appeared as if
he literally dropped off the face of the earth.
The tenth of November, Aiden and I
had our first official date. We went out
to eat at the Olive Garden and then to a movie. I paid for the food and he paid for the
We came back to Dan and my apartment
after the movie. I was getting pretty
tired so I told him we could lie on my bed and watch a movie. I really wasn't very talkative either. Aiden seemed to be genuinely concerned about
"You okay?" He rolled over on my bed propped his head up
with his right hand and looked at me.
"Yeah," I stared up at the ceiling
as I spoke. "I just have a lot on my
He smiled at me.
"You want to talk about it?"
"You don't want to hear my
problems." I told him. "Trust me."
I looked over at him. "I don't
even know why you want to be my friend."
"I happen to think you are a pretty
swell guy. You have this kick ass
personality and killer looks. You should
open up more let people get to know you better."
I shrugged my shoulders and
continued looking up at the ceiling.
"You can talk to me Ryan. I won't judge anything you have to say."
I had known Aiden for almost two
months. He had told me some pretty
personal things about himself.
He said he tried to be all bubbly
and happy all the time because his mom suffered from severe depression. She never wanted to get out of bed or take
the medicine that she was prescribed.
She was in and out of psychiatric hospitals to try and get her medicines
leveled out. He said that he didn't want
to be like that. He tried to see the
beauty in life.
He told me that during one of our
late night chats that we had over the past few weeks. I got up off my bed and paused
"I have to go outside for a
minute." I walked over to my desk and
picked up my pack of cigarettes. "You
want to come with me."
"Sure." He got up off my bed. "You know those are bad for ya."
"Okay father." I laughed.
He followed me outside onto the
balcony. I took a cigarette out of the
pack and lit it. After lecturing me over
and over about how bad smoking was for me, Dan finally gave up trying to get me
to quit. I agreed to only smoke outside
on the balcony.
"What's really bothering you?" Aiden asked.
I took a puff off my cigarette.
"What do you mean?" He asked.
"I mean do you know what happens in
twelve days?" I anxiously took a puff of
my cigarette releasing the smoke out into the darkened sky.
Aiden thought about it for a minute. I could tell he was trying to figure out what
happened in twelve days.
I nodded my head. "That's right."
"What is so bad about that?" He asked.
I laughed and took a puff of my
"I have nothing to be thankful
about. Within this past year I have lost
five people that I loved deeply. Four of
whom I know I will never see again no matter what." I looked over at him. "It seems like anything I love turns to
I had been doing much better, but
the idea of Thanksgiving coming up just made me a nervous wreck. I didn't really have anything to be thankful
about. I didn't even know where I would
be spending Thanksgiving or if I would be spending it with anyone.
Aiden put his arm around my
shoulders and pulled me closer to him.
"Don't say that."
I took the last puff off my
cigarette and tossed it over the balcony.
"It's the truth." I looked over at him. "I honestly don't even know where I will be
spending the stupid holiday at."
He turned me so that I was facing
him. He looked me in my eyes.
"I am thankful that I met you."
He leaned in closer to me. His lips were getting closer to mine until
they were touching mine. It felt
weird. Kevin was the only person that I
had ever kissed (well other that Chandler when I was drunk and I don't really
remember it). I blinked my eyes for a
couple of seconds.
He started sucking on my bottom
lip. It felt really good. The problem was that I had never had anyone
kiss me like that except for Kevin. Even
though it had been over two months since Kevin and I kissed last I could still
remember every detail of being kissed by him.
I pulled away from Aiden. I looked at him. I could see a tiny bit of hurt in his eyes.
"I'm sorry. I'm just not ready yet." I hugged him.
"I really am sorry."
"I understand Ryan." He smiled at me.
The next twelve days I pretty much
dreaded. Why did I want to celebrate a
holiday when I didn't have much to be thankful for? Maybe I was ungrateful, maybe I wasn't.
I had planned on spending the day
alone at home, watching television and playing on the internet, but two things
happened. Dan's family wasn't
celebrating Thanksgiving together because his dad didn't want to close his car
lot because he was running a sale and figured people would want to buy cars on
Thanksgiving. His oldest sister was
spending it with her husband and his family and his mom didn't want to
celebrate without the entire family being there. The second was a phone call
from Aunt Faye. She wanted me to come
spend Thanksgiving with them.
Brice and Mike would be joining us
as well. Dan was going to go with me
also. The factory that he worked at shut
down for the day and I didn't want him to spend it alone.
"I am so glad you could join
us." Aunt Faye greeted Dan and I at the front door.
The aroma of pies baking and turkey
filled the entire house. My mouth
started watering as soon as I walked inside the house.
"Thanks for having us Mrs.-," Dan paused
and looked at me.
He didn't know what my aunt's last
name was. Of course it would be
different from mine seeing how she was my mom's sister and was married.
She smiled at Dan. "Just call me Faye."
"Thanks for having us Faye."
I gave her a hug and she kissed me
on the forehead.
"Brice and Mike are in the kitchen
helping me. You are more than welcome to
join us or you can go watch football in the den with David."
"I hadn't seen Brice in awhile and I
don't really watch football." I looked around the living room.
I forgot how neat Aunt Faye kept her
house. It looked like something out of a
housekeeping magazine. She had
decorated it herself and everything matched perfectly.
Dan looked at me. "Is it cool if I watch the game? I kind of want to see who is winning."
"Yeah," I told him. "Go for it.
Uncle David won't mind."
He looked around the living room
like he was lost.
"Uh where is the den."
Aunt Faye laughed. "I'm such a good host. Sorry about that dear." She pointed to a door behind the stairs. "Straight through that door
at the end of the hallway."
"Thanks." Dan headed over to the door.
Aunt Faye led me into the
kitchen. Brice was sitting down at the
kitchen table. Another guy was sitting
down next to him; I assumed this was Mike.
Mike was Asian. He had jet black hair, and brown almond
shaped eyes. He wore a pair of black
plastic framed glasses. He looked
Brice still looked the same. He looked a lot like me actually. We both had the same dark brown hair and
green eyes. The two of us even had the
same face shape. The one thing that set
us apart was that his nose was a little longer than mine. He was a lot taller than me also. I could also tell that he spent time in the
gym working out, which was something I didn't know the first thing about.
Aunt Faye picked a towel up off the
kitchen counter and tossed it at the back of Brice's head.
"You boys had better not be letting
my pies burn."
"You burn the pies without help from
either one of us."
"Funny mister, don't forget who gave
birth to you."
I guess Brice didn't really see me
come into the kitchen with his mom. He
had his back turned to us and it wasn't until he turned around that he saw
He immediately stood up and pulled
me into a great big hug.
"Ryan." He released the hug and ran his hand through
my hair, messing it up. "How are you?"
He turned and looked at the guy
sitting at the table.
"Ryan, this is Mike and Mike this is
my cousin Ryan."
Mike got up from the table and shook
"It's a pleasure meeting you."
I walked over to the table and sat
down. I just couldn't help but wonder
why I was here. What did I have in my
life right now that I was actually thankful for?
"I'm just a little tired today."
Aunt Faye walked over to me and felt
"Are you coming down with something
"No, just a lack of sleep," I
"Are you still seeing your
therapist?" She asked. "I know a lot has happened this year."
I nodded my head.
"Yes, once a month."
"That's good." She walked over to the oven and turned it
off. "Brice will you go tell you father
and Dan that we will be eating shortly."
Brice left the room and came back a
few minutes with both Dan and David.
David was where Brice got his height
from. He was much taller than my
aunt. He had gray streaks through his
dark brown hair.
"You got a pretty cool boyfriend
here." David announced when he and Dan
came into the kitchen.
Dan and I both laughed.
"He is not my boyfriend." I told him.
"I am so sorry." He looked at Dan. "I just assumed that since the two of you
came together that you were together."
"It's cool." Dan told him.
"No harm done."
Aunt Faye got the table set while I
talked to Uncle David. He was a very
lively guy. Always energetic and never
saying anything bad about anyone else. I
could see how he and my aunt had been married for over thirty years.
"David, do you want to say grace
before we started?"
Uncle David nodded his head.
"Dear heavenly Father, I just want
to thank you for letting us gather on this glorious afternoon to celebrate a
time of giving thanks. There are those
that should be here with us today, but were lost in a tragedy. I just want you to watch over them and watch
over us as we enjoy this meal. Amen."
Aunt Faye cleared her throat. "We have a tradition of going around the
table and saying what we are thankful for."
She looked at David. "How about
we start with you and then work our way around the table clock wise."
I looked at where Uncle David was
sitting. Mike was to his left, Brice
was directly across from him, Dan sat next to Mike, I was across from Dan and
Aunt Fay sat at the end of the table that Dan and I were at.
"I am Thankful to have my son Brice
here with his boyfriend. It has been a
good year since I have seen him. I am
thankful for my beautiful wife of thirty-one years. I am thankful that my nephew is here and I am
thankful he brought his best friend with him even though he is a Patriot fan
instead of Cowboys."
It was Mike's turn next he looked to
be extremely nervous. This was his first
time to meet all of the family.
My phone started ringing. I wanted to see who it was, but I didn't want
to be rude, so I silenced it.
"I am thankful that I met a nice and
amazing man like Brice. I couldn't ask
for more. I am thankful that he has such
a loving family that has opened their home to us."
The loud ringing of my phone filled
the kitchen again. I pressed the silent
button on the side of the phone.
"It's fine." Uncle David said. "It's your turn Ryan. Tell us what you are thankful for."
I sat there for a minute trying to
decide what I was thankful for. I really
didn't know what I was thankful for at the moment. I just figured I would make up something off
the top of my head to make everyone happy.
"I am thankful for-,"
My phone rang again. I didn't know who it was, but it must have
been pretty important to keep calling back.
I smiled at the thought of it being Kevin. It would be perfect if he called and told me
that he was thankful for me.
I took my phone out of my pocket and
looked at the screen. Haleigh's name
flashed across the screen. Why was she
calling me? I figured that she would be
sitting down with her family enjoying thanksgiving dinner.
"Let me answer this." I announced.
"It's Haleigh. She knows I am
here so it must be pretty important for her to keep calling me."
"Okay." Aunt Faye smiled at me.
I pressed the answer button flashing
on the screen of my phone. I put it up
to my ear.
I couldn't make out what she was
saying at first. Her voice was frantic
and she wasn't breathing in between words.
"Slow down Haleigh." I coached her. "I can't understand a word you are saying."
I heard her take a deep breath and
try to relax.
I could tell she was crying.
"It's bad Ryan!"
"What is bad?" I asked.
"What about Kevin?" I asked.
I didn't know that Haleigh still
talked to Kevin. I was getting a little upset
about it myself. She knew how bad I
wanted to talk to him and she had known how to talk to him this whole time and
didn't let me know. Even worse than that
anytime she was around me she talked about how much she hated Kevin.
"He is in the hospital." She cried.
"What!" I exclaimed.
"When did you talk to him?"
She started sobbing loudly. "I hadn't.
I haven't talked to him since before you guys broke up. I talked about how much I hated him for what
he did to you. You don't even hate him
and you are the one he hurt the most."
My hand started shaking. I was trying to keep my cool. The words Kevin being in the hospital didn't
set well with me.
"What is wrong with Kevin?" I asked again.
"His mom called over here during
diner. She said he ran out in the middle
of diner and she couldn't find him. He
left her a note." She started sobbing
"What did the note say?"
"The he was leaving and wouldn't be
back." She said in between sobs. "He went to his old house and my mom found
him Ryan. He is in the hospital and it's
critical. They don't know if he is going
to make it or not."
"What happened to Kevin!" I cried.
"Is he hurt?"
"My mom found him inside of his old
house. He had an empty pill bottle and a
note lying next to him. They don't know
if he is going to make it or not."
"I will be there as soon as I can
I hung up the phone and set it down
on the table.
"What is wrong Ryan?" Dan was the first to sense it.
"That was Haleigh. Kevin is in the hospital he is in ICU in
critical condition." I covered my face
with my hands and started balling. "He
tried to kill himself."
Dan immediately stood up from the
"Lets go," he walked over to me and hugged me.
I started sobbing uncontrollably at
that very moment. I didn't care if he
wanted to see me or not. The guy that I loved
more than life itself was lying in a hospital bed. I didn't know how much longer he had
left. I didn't know why he did it. I just knew that I had to get there and be
I loved him so much and if he died,
a part of me would also die.
reading. I look forward to your comments
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