Being Josh

Part I : A New Beginning

I wanted to start afresh, burry my horrid past. Forget everything that happened to me in the previous year, forget something that meant so much to me, forget Adam. He was the essence of my life, but now it was all over. And I was in college!

As I walked through the corridors to my class my mind was filled with Adam. It was involuntarily. It was so difficult to forget him.

I took a seat in my class. The seat next to me was empty and I dreamed of a handsome guy sitting next to me. A few minutes later a beautiful looking girl sat next to me. If that wasn't disappointing enough, she opened her mouth and started speaking to me.

"Hi, I'm Laura"

"Hi, I'm Josh. It is my pleasure to meet you Laura."

I always wondered why I suddenly became so polite when I talked to girls.

"It is a fine morning isn't it. Is this your first day in college?"

And did I mention I also start babbling when I talk to the opposite sex?

She laughed. "Why, do you think I got detained last year?"

"No...no...I mean...sorry" I blushed like a little kid caught stealing candy from a store. I couldn't help myself admire her. She looked more appealing when she smiled. If only I was straight. Darn!

We did some more small talk which led no where. The teacher came in & introduced herself. Before I knew, my first day in college was over and I was walking on the same corridor on which I walked my way to the class in the morning. The only difference was that now I was now walking with no hope.

THUD! I bumped into someone.

"Sorry" he said. I bent down to pickup my books without looking up.

The person bent down to help me.

"It was actually my fault. My mother was right - I have an extra toe!"

I smiled and looked up and I was dumbstruck. My heart had stopped. I could hear no more of the chattering behind me. All I could do was admire, this gorgeous hunk standing in front of me. Now my heart started beating again, increasing it pace every second. I could almost hear it go thud-thud-thud-thud, so fast.

"I'm Jake. I'm majoring in architecture"

I kept quiet. I knew I had to introduce myself, but something was stuck. I was just starring at him dumbly.

"Hello?"

"I'm...Kosh. Josh. Josh." I continued, "I'm doing my major in architecture too"

"That's great! Hey, are you looking for a place to stay here? I'm new in this city and have no idea where to find cheap apartments. I don't want my aunt to put me up for long."

"You can stay with me!"

"What??"

"Yes. I have an apartment with two rooms..." How I wish it was one "...and I need a roommate!"

"Are you sure?"

"Positive!"

We walked down the hallway to the entrance. I told Jake the rent. I told him how extra nice the apartment was, so that he didn't change his mind. He was a cheery guy who simply couldn't help himself smiling a lot. And I wanted him to smile as often as possible.
 

A week passed since college opened and I was beginning to settle down. I had learnt a lot about Jake. He was from New York and he was a brilliant student, I assumed more brilliant than me. He always dreamt of being a top architect. He wasn't from a very rich family like me but he could afford college. We became close friends in one week's time and now it was time for Jake to finally move in with me. Move in with me -- it sounded like we were die hard couples who were going to live together, so that they could be which each other every night, make love whenever they liked and wake up with someone to hold, to care, to love.

We spent the entire afternoon getting Jake's things into the apartment. He sorted out everything and neatly arranged it in his room. I hated 'organizing' things.

"Can I help you put things up in your room?"

"Sure Jake. I could use a hand."

It was 11 PM when we finally finished. I had great expectations from our first night, together!

"Josh I'm very tired. Do you mind if I go to sleep early?"

Damn. I was thinking about a candle light dinner, some dancing and then some fun maybe?

"I don't mind. Did you have dinner?"

"I had some sandwiches on the way. I'm stressed out after all the moving. My back hurts too."

Why didn't you tell me dear? Let me massage it for you, come here!

"Okay, good night then."

"Good night."

That was it. My first night with Jake. Our first night together had nothing to do with both of us actually being together. The least I expected was to sit around and watch TV maybe.

"Wow, the movie was nice"

"Too good Jake"

"Let us go to sleep"

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean Josh."

And he comes to me and gives me a kiss and takes me to my room.

BLAH! I was lying down on my book looking at four walls and no human in sight. I was alone! All Alone.

The next day at college everything went fine. For no reason Laura kept smiling at me. Something was going one and I wanted to find out. But then no clues were revealed and I was no James Bond to find out either.

That night when Jake came home he was excited.

"Get ready. We are going to the club!" Jake said. He was so excited that he could hardly finish the sentence.

"What do you mean `we'?"

"Me and you of course!"

"Okay," I said thinking what wonders could this night bring to my life. Jake and myself going to a club? Was it a gay club by any chance? Well I didn't know that but I knew I was going to find out tonight. I went to my small room and browsed through my wardrobe. I picked a black jeans. And then I thought of wearing my sexy tight tee shirt. And I did. It had a long neck and its sleeves were somewhere between half sleeve and no sleeve! Let's just say I found it really sexy. And I did want to look sexy tonight, or desirable maybe?

Jake didn't have a car yet. I drove him to this club, quite near to our home. When we got there, I looked up. It read:

R.E.E.S CLUB

In bold letters. Whatever that meant! I didn't care. All I cared was what was Jake doing in a club with me? We went inside and I had a feeling that Jake was looking for someone.

"Are you looking for someone?" I asked.

Before he could say anything two girls appeared from no where. They were coming towards us.

"Girls...this is..."

"Josh." said Laura.

"You know each other?"

"Yeah. We met in class," said Laura.

"Josh, Jenny & Laura, they are our dance partners for tonight!" said Jake " Isn't it cool dude?"

So I found out what was going on at last. Jake wanted to surprise by hooking me with Laura. Gees, only if he knew that I wasn't interested in girls.

"Very Cool!" I said trying to sound excited.

We four sat on a table. Laura was seated opposite to me and she started talking to me. Although I wasn't listening. You know men! They don't listen! I was looking at her, with an interesting expression on my face. What I was more interested in, was her unique beauty. I tried picturing her with shorter hair, her boobs at least four times smaller, some facial hair maybe? It was perfect. If Laura had been a guy, I would give her...him...it at least 8 on 10!

"Josh? So are you coming?"

"Wha...? Where?"

"To my party on Wednesday."

I knew one thing in my life. I wasn't into women. Some people change their identity after some age, but I knew I was going to be a homosexual for ever.

"Sorry Laura, I have work piled up. I'm going to busy this week"

"Oh! That's okay. Tell you what maybe we could go out next week?"

"We will see." Please forget me girl, you are wasting your time. She was smiling at me.

My hopes were now dead. Jake had simply the best personality ever. We shared the same interests in movies, music and sport. We hanged out watching movies, going to dance clubs and concerts. But he was simply straight. And I was sure now, after a month that nothing can possibly change that. But I valued our friendship, we were doing great!

My hopes were now on this quiet guy is my class -- Sam. Sam was almost six feet. He was muscular and well built and I was thinking about our compatibility, as I was shorter and more on the leaner side. But I was going to gym with Jake. And I have pretty good times there, if you know what I mean.

Coming back to Sam. He was quiet, but he would occasionally dash into me. He gave me signals. Sam had joined college five days back. I decided to take my chances with this guy.

"Hi! I'm Josh..."

"I know." He knows. Hmm... And his voice sounded so sexy, so manly.

"So how do you find our college?"

"Cool. Really cool. You?"

"Same here. I love it here." Well at least I was going to love it now.

"Are you free tonight?"
What was he doing? Asking me on a date or something?

"Yeah. Why?" I said thinking how I can explain to Jake why I cancelled the dance party plan we had tonight.

"My father owns a restaurant across the street. I wanted to show you. I haven't made many friends here you know..."

Poor guy, he sounded polite and innocent. "Okay."

"Good. Here is the restaurant address. Be there at eight."

He could have as well rhymed...be there at eight, it's a date!

"Okay, sure"

I expected the restaurant to be, you know, like the normal ones. But this one went beyond my imagination. I could summarize it in two words -- big and grand.

"Wow," I said.

"I know. My father owns ten other restaurants like this one across the country"

I didn't mind if my boy friend was rich or poor. But if I was going to get lucky with Sam, I was going to be really LUCKY!

"Did you say ten?"

"Yeah. Ten other restaurants and five condos."

"Okay," I said trying to act unperturbed.

"Mr. Montgomery, your table for four is ready," said a waiter, who didn't look like one.

"Come along," Sam said.

I followed him to our table for four. FOUR?

"Meet my friend, Josh" said Sam "Josh. This is Alexander. We were buddies in school."

"Hi!" I said wondering why Sam hadn't told me we were not going alone. Or maybe it was obvious; it was me who took it for granted that we were having a dinner for two.

"And this is Cynthia...my girl friend"
My face turned pale. But I knew I had to try to act normal. My throat went dry. I realized I wasn't breathing. I inhaled slowly and made a drastic effort to speak up.

"H..Hi"

We sat down on the chairs. Sam politely pulled the chair back for Cynthia to sit down. And then pushed her in. What a gentleman!

They began talking about the new college. Cynthia was doing her major in journalism. Alexander wanted to become an actor. As for me I was putting on my `go on I'm listening' expression while they were chatting. I started dreaming about me and Sam together. We were naked on a king size bed. We were playing with our bodies. Why the heck didn't he tell me it was a dinner for FOUR?

It was almost ten thirty when we finished our dinner.

Sam had agreed to drop me home. And I was more excited to go in his limousine.

"Hmm...do you want to come and have a look at my house? It's on the way you know?"

"I'm tempted. But it is getting late Sam. I think I better go back to my apartment else Jake would be angry."

"Who is Jake?"

"Oh! My roommate."

"You live with a roommate?"

"Yeah."

"We own a house here where I live alone. It is no fun living alone. I wish I could live like you Josh"

"Its fun in the beginning Sam. But it has its disadvantages too"

Disadvantages? Maybe I was thinking it would be unfavorable to have a straight room mate. That was the reason it had its `disadvantages'. For a second Jake popped up in my head, showing me his wonderful smile.

"Right there..." I said to the driver.
I got down and looked back at Sam.

"It was a wonderful night," I said.

"We could do more of this. I hope you liked my friends too"

Who? I even forgot their names. I was busier picturing you with me.

"Yeah. I loved them. See you tomorrow in class"

"See you too. You take good care my boy," he said and the limousine speeded away.

My boy? What ever he meant by that!

"Where the heck were you?" asked Jake.

"I was with some friends," I said, stepping inside.

I was amazed when I saw what Jake was wearing. He was shirtless. When I looked further below I saw his lose half pants and got turned on. He had an athlete's body. I had seen him wearing gym wear, but this was the first time I saw him in his current state. Till now I saw Jake, at the most in a vest or got brief glimpses when he changed. I thanked the beginning of the season -- summer. It was the time when guys stripped because it was hot and they become hot by doing so. (Pun intended)

"Who are these friends?" Jake asked closing the door behind me.

"Sam and his friends."

"Sam...the creepazoid?"

"He is not a creep. What makes you say that anyway?" I said.

"Well, I don't know. He doesn't talk much"

"You got to know him to like him, Jake. Don't judge him just like that"

"Chill man, why do you care what I say about that creep anyway?"

Because I have my hopes on him Jake. The same hope that I lost so quickly on you!

"He is my friend" Hopefully, my boy friend soon.

"Uhuh. Get some popcorn from the kitchen will you. I have bought a film"

"Maybe some other night Jake. I'm real tired and just want to go get some sleep."

Jake looked at me putting on a really really sad face.

"Maybe if you were really into it, I can stay awake..." I said. My face added -- you won't do that, I know you won't.

"No. Go and get some sleep sleepyhead," he mocked me.

That night I dreamt of Sam.

"Josh. Josh. How could you be such a fool? I love you so much can't you see that?"

"Sam...why did you hide your love Sam?"

"It doesn't matter. I love you."

"I love you too"

And just then Cynthia appears from thing air. Suddenly her canines start growing, they become big. She becomes a vampire and her smile becomes evil. She makes a motion with her hand as if casting a spell. Sam watches me as I disappear into nothing.

Woo! I woke up with a startle. I slept again smiling at my weird dreams. I again starting dreaming, only this time Adam was in it.
 

Five days passed since my date with Sam (and friends). Nothing happened. He smiled at me when we met in class. But nothing more. One fine day he came up to me.

"Josh. Are you free tomorrow?"

I reluctantly replied "Yeah."

"Good. Come to my house at 8 AM. We are going somewhere..."

"Wh..Where?"

"That's a surprise," he said and grinned at me.

It was a Sunday and Jake called it 'the day I really sleep'. He slogged to the maximum this term and found time to sleep peacefully only on Saturday nights. But he would make sure he'd have some fun every night...catch a movie, go bowling, dancing or just hang out with Jenny. And he would make sure he would have a lot of fun with me, because I had become his close friend. He used to tell me that without me he would be living in some rat hole. And I would modestly reply that there are many rat holes like the one where we live. He would laugh and reply but there aren't rats like you .

Jake was a sweet lovable guy whom I considered my best friend presently. And yeah did I mention he is incredibly hot too?

I wrote the note and stuck it to Jake's cupboard. He would wake up in an hour and then get angry on me. By the clock struck the next hour he would be already gone to hang out with his other friends.
 

On the way to this undisclosed location I tried everything to get Sam to speak up. But he wouldn't tell me where we were going.

"How far are we?" I asked.

"See that. That's where we are going."

"That hill there?"

"Yeah. That small hill there. On that small hill my father has a small private residence for our family."

Although Sam said family, it didn't mean anything. His family consisted of himself and his father. His sister was convicted after possessing dope and sentenced to jail for consumption and distribution. Sam never talked about it. I did some research and got some information about him from Laura. The pretty girl came to good use and she was delighted that she could be of help. It turned out that she had found so much about Sam from Sam's...sheesh...'girl friend' Cynthia. I owe her one.

When we reached his residence on Crimson hill, I was in for a shock.

"It isn't a `small' residence Sam!!"

"Yeah I know. I was teasing you ha-ha"

His `small' residence was nothing but a millionaire's grand palace. Seeing it I again got reminded how rich Sam had been. The residence had three large bedrooms and two guest rooms. It had a swimming pool in the back, a tennis court! The bathrooms were the size of my apartment. A huge garden with variety of plants colorful flowers decorated the bungalow on all four sides. Compared to his richness, I was poor.

"Let's go to my bedroom..."

"Sure," I said. That sentence could mean so many things to me. But the way he said it meant nothing but a casual -- let me show you around.

"Wow Sam. This is the most beautiful view I have ever seen!"

And it really was. I could see mountains and beyond that near the horizon I could see the sea! I could see the fields on the plains on the other side. It was nothing but a perfect view.

"Yeah. I know. I come here whenever I'm free. I love coming here"

I looked at Sam. He never looked so fine. He had an athletic body just like Jake, still better. His side burns turned me on. His hair black, so soft and thin, I wanted to feel them some time. His tight gray tee shirt curved around his body. I could see his muscular chests. His legs, darn, they were perfect too. His smile lit his entire face and his dimples made me drool. The darn hunk was so god damn perfect that sometimes I wondered if we were to be, would I be good enough for him? He was unlike any other boys of our age; I bet he started going to gym four-five years back! He was looking at the view, his eyes focusing beyond the horizon. His lips were spread out, you do it when you smiling but aren't smiling completely.

Suddenly he turned to me and I quickly looked at the bed behind him. He looked back and saw that clothes were all around the bed.

"Yeah. It's full of clothes. The last time I came I had to leave in a hurry that I didn't have time to tidy. And I don't allow maids to touch my room. I'm particular about my privacy."

He went towards the bed and bent down to pick up one of his trousers.

"Jesus Christ!"

"What happened?" he asked me with a worrisome look.

"Nothing...just exclaiming at the view again!" I said and smiled to myself.

I had said Jesus Christ because when he bent down his shirt went up and his lose jeans gave away and dropped a little. For a second dear Sam had exposed his butt crack to me! I was smiling. I knew I was going to store that image in my mind forever. At that moment I had an urge. An urge that was mounting up for years now. I wanted to let it go, but I knew I couldn't let it go now. I had to some how control it. I was again reminded of Sam's butt and started picturing it again. I was so engrossed that I wasn't listening to what Sam was saying while he was collecting his clothes. Then suddenly I heard something distinctive

"...gay..."

"What did you say?" I asked him, trying to hide my reaction.

"I said are you gay?" he said, still not looking at me and tidying the room full of clothes.

Oh my god. He caught me completely off guard. I never thought in my wildest dreams that Sam would ask something like that so bluntly. I could say YES. But what if he wasn't gay? Then it would be the biggest news of the year in college. Everyone would know, Jake would know. If I said NO I could be losing an opportunity to hit it off with Sam. My mind couldn't think. All I knew was that if I didn't say something real quick the answer would be taken to be a YES. All this processing in my mind took a little more than a second.

"Why do you ask? Are you?"

"Yes," he said immediately. It was like I had asked him something really obvious like -- are you an American? And he would reply immediately and confidently YES. Oh my god! Did he say YES? It occurred to me that I hadn't actually replied to his question and he might be probably waiting for me to say something now.

"Oh my god!" was all that I could say.

"I thought you would know Josh!"

"How could I?"

"I don't know. People some time ask me such stuff. And I tell them frankly yes"

"But what about Cynthia?"

"Jesus Josh, she is my friend, just my friend. If I had said she was my girl friend, it doesn't really mean I'm hooked up with her. And moreover she knows I'm gay."

Does the whole world know? Was I the only person who didn't know? You caused me a great deal of anxiety. If you were so open about this why wouldn't you tell me before?

"Okay..."

I suddenly realized that I still hadn't answered his question. And he had totally forgotten what he had asked. He had made his move and now I had to make one if I wanted this hunk to be mine. And didn't I want that so badly?

"I'm gay too," I said at last. But the words were coming out so slowly that they were hardly audible.

"What??"

"I said I'm gay too"

"Come again..."

"I'm GAY," I shouted.

"Say it again," he was smiling now.

"Fuck! I'M GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY!" I never had felt so proud saying -- I'm gay.

He was now standing in front of me. His eyes were piercing into mine, as if he was reading my mind.

"Say it again," he said slowly, quietly as he came still closer to me.

"I'm ga..," I whispered. Before I could finish, his lips met mine. He closed his eyes. I was still watching him, so close, so close my body. He kissed me. I could feel my heart beating so fast, like the first time I saw Sam. I closed my eyes. I could see bright colors. I could no longer feel my legs, my knees were giving away, I couldn't stand any longer. As if Sam read my mind, he held me in his strong arms. I held him in mine. And we kissed harder. I was flying with him now. I was in heaven, flying to god, thanking him for this moment.

END OF PART ONE

Is Sam the guy for Josh? Is he the one? Who is Adam? What is his connection with Josh?
Stay tuned for part two with more excitement, more twists and turns. If you have read this story please do write to me your suggestions/comments/criticism at wonderme1999@yahoo.com. It really, really, really helps me write more and write well.