Being Josh

A big kiss to all those peeps who mailed me (that was on the cheek!). For a free kiss write to K.T. (me) at your comments on Being Josh. Please excuse my spelling/grammatical mistakes as I don't have the time lately to edit properly.

I'm happy you people didn't take Jake and Josh's breakup to heart. I had planned it even before brining Jake in Josh's complicated life! Find out what more complications complicate Josh now! LOL.

Part X: Post Breakup Blues

"What are you doing...? And where is all your stuff?" Jake said.

"Ah...I'm moving out" I said getting up on my feet.

"Moving Out! Why?"

"I had an misunderstanding with Mrs. Carlton..." I said. It was strange how we could talk about so seemingly unimportant things when I wanted to hold him and ask him why he left me!

"Mrs. Carlton is the most nicest person around...what happened?"

"You want to know what happened? All right. I was looking after her son when she was away, I popped in the video tape which contained our moments together, played it, then her son strayed outside the apartment...I went in search of him...forgot all about the tape....Mrs. Carlton saw the tape...and told me to leave the apartment...". By the time I had finished my long explanation I was in tears.

"Oh Fuck!" Jake said. Then to my surprise he hugged me. How I missed hugging him. I felt so close to him again.

"Josh...I had to leave."

Yet he was not close to me.

"Why Jake?" I said still holding him tightly.

"Because I just cannot...handle it..." he said with a pause.

"Handle what?"

"I don't know you see a future for us? Do you think our parents will be proud of us?"

" don't know..."

"No Josh. I know. It all struck me on your birthday." He was now facing me, looking me in the eyes. "Seeing you so happy that day...I didn't want to continue this any longer and see you get hurt later."

"But why did you think it wouldn't work out...?" I said trying to control my voice. I could sob right there on his shoulders.

"Josh...because I don't have it in me to be...different... I always had a normal life and wanted one..."

"Being gay is abnormal then?" I asked wryly.

"Being who you are is important. But for me getting respect for what I am is more important."

"And...there is no respect for us...right?" I said.


How pathetic! I wanted to slap him right then to make him realize my love for him. Then again...what if he doesn't love me like I love him?

" parents have really worked hard to bring me up. This will simply break their hearts no matter how open minded they can be. And I know that..." he said. "I will find some one better."

Oh now it is the find someone better crap.

"Do you love me Jake?" I asked.

He looked at me puzzled.

"I have got to go now Josh...I have a class."

We happened to have the morning class at the same time. I could as well walked to college with him. I turned around and started picking up the books I had searched for. A few seconds later I heard the door close. Simultaneously I had started crying. They always close doors and leave my life. First Adam...then I closed the door on Jake.

I knew what was bothering Jake. I knew it, because I loved him. I knew him better than anyone...maybe even himself. It was tough for him to adjust to this whole gay thing. And maybe he will never be able to cope up with it... Oh...why did I fall in love with such a person in the first place? Damn. Because I had hope that he would change.

It was three weeks since Jake left me. I tried to forget Jake, but couldn't. I knew he still loved me and I loved him. Jake had left a huge hole in my life. Sometimes I felt like sleeping with the first person I saw to fill that hole. But I controlled myself. I knew sleeping with any random person won't make me feel less lonely.

I had stayed at Sam only for four days. He found a beautiful apartment for me even closer to college. It was so convenient for me. Strangely this was a two room apartment like my earlier one and the other room was free. I sometimes go to that room and expect Jake to be there smiling at me as I enter.
"Hi Jake!"
"Hi Laura..."
"Jake. Are you free Friday night?"
"Yes." I could use some company, in that lonely apartment.

"Great! I'm afraid I again need your help this term with our project!" 


"I heard you shifted. Why did you do that? I loved your apartment!"

"Well you will love this one even better. I had some problems in the old one." There were memories of Jake there.

Laura was such a delightful girl.  I was glad I came of some use to her because I really liked her as a friend. And what are friends for?
"Where is Jake?" she asked.
"Ah...he moved some where else. He found a cheaper place." He left me Laura. He left me.
"Ahh okay."
We got to her project as usual on the bed.
"Guess what...the other day I met this guy..." she said.
"He had to take me out to a movie. He came late to my house. I really wanted to see this movie and when he came I blasted him. And you know what happened?"
"He urinated in his pants!"
"Jesus Christ! Don't tell me!" I said.
"I guess you are such a bully!"
We started laughing. Suddenly in all our laughter Laura leaned on me. Our laughter stopped. She was now looking at me with an uncomfortable expression on her if she has made a mistake. I couldn't help admire her immense beauty close up. She blinked her eyes twice and then suddenly started kissing me. I strangely found myself kissing her. I couldn't stop myself.
She got up on the bed. I got up too. I was standing in front of her. She kissed me again, this time, it was more passionate. Her lips were so wonderful, so soft... She swiftly removed her red top. She then put her hands behind he back and removed her bra. Her boobs jiggled out of the bra. I had seen a girl's boobs only twice in my life. This one was no different. Laura came close to me to kiss me. But I turned my head and pulled her towards my body. I could feel her big breasts against my chest and smell the fragrance of her hair. I closed my eyes and when I opened them there were tears coming out of them.
"Josh?" Laura said.
"Laura. I'm sorry I can't do this..."
She withdrew from my hold and stood there front of me.
"Because...Because...I'm gay." I said slowly.
I could see her face color change. But I couldn't read her mind. 
"Since when..." she asked.
"Could you cover your boobies because I feel I'm talking to them..."

She wore her top. We sat on the bed.
"Frankly Josh. I had a clue...but didn't know for sure."
"Well. Now you know."
" any chance you and Jake...? I'm saying this just because you both hang around a lot!"
"Yes. You are right. Well at least...we used to."
"Used to?"
"Laura. Ah..well he left me." I was surprised how I could say - he left me - with such ease.  

"Ahmm...I'm don't know what to say", she said.
"It is okay. I guess this is a shock for you..."

"Of course. But Jake...I'm pretty much okay with it. Good guys like you are always gay" she smirked.


"Yah. All guys I date are big jerks"

We laughed. I laughed even more when I thought of the fact that I had just come out to a half naked girl.

"Jake seemed like a nice guy...what happened? That is, if you don't mind telling me..."

"He was just afraid of being...Jake...himself that is."

"Ohh...yeah, I get it. You know what? I think he just needs time..."

"Maybe...maybe not."

"Oh! Come on optimistic. Think he should come back...and he will!"

"No Laura...I think it is over. I don't see him coming back."

"Ohh...poor you..." she said and hugged me.

It was late when Laura left. We got to know so much about each other and had so much in common. We liked the same type of boys...although we both weren't so comfortable discussing boys with each other! It was weird to discuss boys with the opposite sex! Laura helped me a little to get over Jake. And maybe I should get over him.

I felt an urge inside me. An urge to prove my strength. The strength to handle this break up without cribbing about it and wondering why my life was so difficult. I was going to be strong continue to hope for a better tomorrow. It was pathetic...but I didn't have a choice. I had to simply move on. 

"Hey Josh! Been busy lately...couldn't call you. So how are you doing buddy?" Sam asked me. He had come to my apartment.

"I'm hanging on..." to life.

"You know are going to get a room mate!"

"I don't"

"Well you don't get to make that choice babe. He is Stephen."


"Keep your hand off him, he is simply straight!"

I laughed. "Sure! We will see about that!"

"So has he called...Jake..I mean?" Sam said being cautious about the words he chose.

"He came over the other day to my apartment..."

"You want to talk about it?"


Stephen moved in a week later. He was simply a GOD. I wanted to fall on his feet and worship him for his looks. Standing so tall and so gorgeous...he was simply desirable. Keep your hand off him, he is simply straight!

"Hi Steph..en.. Hey I can't shorten your name, can I?"

"They call me Steve..."

"Steve! So what do you do?" Although Sam had told me that he worked part time in a restaurant and was looking a for a "proper" job, I wanted to make some conversation.

"I work in a restaurant." he said. Oh! Did I mention that I didn't find his voice so was manly and deep.

"How old are you?" I said.

"I turn twenty this August."

"Oh cool...twenty!"

I just couldn't make a impressive conversation with him. Was it because I knew he wasn't gay????

Steve wasn't talkative either. He retired to his room and stayed there till late night when he dropped out to go 'somewhere'. I wonder which chick was going to get lucky today.

The phone was ringing.

"Hello!" I said.

"Hi Josh. Adam here."

"Hey is life?" I knew it would be fine with Sam around him.

"Marvelous." What did I tell you?

"So what is up..."

"Are you looking again?"


"Looking for putting investments in our scheme!! Idiot. Looking for boys??"

"No...I'm not willing to make an investment again...for a long time." I said sadly.

"Don't kid me!"

"I'm serious Adam."

"Well you just have to make your money ready...because our agent is coming to take an investment from you!"

"What? You mean..."

"Yeah! We found a match for you! And he is coming over there see you!"

"Fuck! I don't want to see any one!"

The door bell was ringing.

"Ohh...I can hear that! He is there already! Josh...listen to me...please please be nice to him. He might not be  your 'type' but give the poor kid a chance!"

"Noo...." Adam hung up. The door bell was now ringing again.


"Who is there?" I shouted.

"Ah...I want to see Joshua."


"Joshua doesn't want to see you..." I said.

" that you? Please open the door."

I opened the door. "I said I don't want to see you..." I took a glance at him. "COME IN! They never told me you are handsome" I smirked. I was simply awestruck by this...this...hunk's looks. I could call Steve ugly if I made him stand with this stud.

He smiled. "Joshua...Sam thought you could use a little perk in your life..."

"You are one of his 'my boys'" I said smiling.

"Huh?" he said. God! He looked even more gorgeous with that quizzical expression on his face.

"Never mind. Come in." To my life.

End Of Part Ten

I know this could go one for guy comes...goes. Another guy comes. But it isn't going to be that way. Just thought I'd tell you that! He is going to find the right one soon...Tune in for more.

If you have read this story do write to me your suggestions/comments/criticism at YES! It does make a LOT of difference!