Being Josh


The next night I went to dinner at Sam's Father's new restaurant. We ate and then Sam wanted me to come to go home with him. We were lying on the bed cuddled around each other. Sam kissed me.

"Sam...does your father know you are gay?" I said.

"Yes. He does."

"How did you come out to him?"

"I wrote a letter"

"You what??"

"Yeah! I didn't have the guts to speak to him eye to eye. So I wrote a letter to him."

"That is so weird!"

"I wrote in the letter how I fascinated men ever since I knew myself. How I tried to stop it, but was helpless. Went on to say that I'm who I am. And I cannot change that."

"How did he react?"

"He told me `I will love you the way you are' and then hugged me"

"Fuck! You are so lucky, do you know that?"

"The next day my maid gave me a suitcase full of money and a letter from my father. In the letter he had written that he didn't want me in his house and I was to contact him only for money and for business matters."

I was heart broken. But I couldn't see pain in Sam's eye. It was as if he had got used to it. As if he had no feelings. He was hard as a rock. I wanted to break the rock and let him cry for his pain.

"Sam...that's terrible. I didn't know...I'm really sorry."

"You are right Josh about one thing..."


"I'm lucky. Lucky to be rich and lucky to have you."

He said and kissed me. He then quickly pulled my tee shirt up and licked my nipples. What was he doing? I wasn't ready for him yet! I wanted to know more of him..

"Stop it Sam...please...stop it"

"Not now Josh. Not now. I'm not going to stop" Sam said. He started to unzip my pants.

He pulled down my pants. He then licked my penis through my underwear. I had to make a quick decision. I made it.

"STOP IT!" I said. This time my voice was no longer soft.

He wasn't stopping. He still continued. Now he was going to remove my briefs. I couldn't let him. In an instinct I pushed Sam. I didn't know how hardly I had pushed him until I heard a thud. He had fallen off the bed...

"Fuck you Josh. What the fuck is wrong with you...?"

I knew things were not going right then. Sam was angry. And people do crazy things when they are angry. And I didn't want to lose Sam just because of his anger.

"Sam I'm not ready...yet. Why don't you understand? I...I'm leaving..." I said.

"Yeah you do that you bastard. I'm getting fucking crazy over here!" Sam shouted.

I quickly grabbed my pant, wore my tee shirt and left the room. I wore my pants in the hall way outside Sam's room. When I bent down to insert my leg into the pant, something fell off. One, then two and more. I realized they were tears. Tears from my eyes.

I hurried back home. I wished Jake was not at home. But he was. And when I saw the look on his face after he saw mine, I realized I was still crying.

"Hey...what happened buddy?" Jake said. His voice was so soothing.

I couldn't bring words out of my mouth. But I was doing a good job brining tears out of my eyes. They just wouldn't stop coming. I looked up at Jake. He looked all blurry. But in the blurred picture I saw a caring face. He looked helpless.

"Josh, tell me what happened? Why the heck are you crying?" Jake said. I could feel the anxiety in his voice.

I still couldn't speak up. It was coming back. Fuck you Josh. What the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah you do that you bastard. I'm getting fucking crazy over here!

Jake came closer. He hugged me. The instant he hugged me I felt relieved. All the loneliness that I had bundled up since I joined college left my body.

"It is okay...I will make some cocoa for you. We are going to sit down on our nice cozy couch and you are going to tell me what happened? Okay?"

"O-k-a-y" I said.

After half an hour I felt like talking to Jake at last. I told him everything.

"Josh why did you refuse him?" he said.

"I don't know Jake. I don't know Sam..."

"Josh...are you afraid?"

"N..." I said. I couldn't say NO because suddenly I asked myself am I afraid to get intimate with Sam? If so, why? What was wrong?

"Josh I think you should give Sam a chance. After all you like him so much."

"No Jake. You don't know how he shouted at me. I don't like that one bit. I'm never going to see him again"

That was the end of it. And Jake didn't say anything after that.

I couldn't sleep. Was I really afraid of letting it happen? Was I afraid of getting close to someone? I always wanted to be close to someone. Then why did I push Sam away from me? Because Sam...I still don't know him. I just don't know him.

Oh is true, I'm afraid of getting intimate with someone. I'm afraid of getting into a relationship. Because I feared it would be too good to be true? Because it would break?

The next morning I woke up with a headache. The phone was ringing.

"H-e-l-l-o..." I said.


Sam was on the line.

"Josh. I'm really sorry for what happened yesterday night. I...I...couldn't control myself."

I didn't speak anything.

Sam continued, "I was desperate baby. You have to trust me. I promise I won't behave like that okay...?"

I still couldn't speak anything.


"It...It is okay Sam. I understand."

"I really wish I could meet you. But I'm off to Boston today. I have to do something there for my father. I will be back in three days. See you then."


He hung up.

After talking to Sam I felt much better. I was willing to give him one more chance. Or was it the other way round? I knew I had trust Sam. I knew I had to give a meaning to our relationship.

Three days seemed like three years. I didn't know how close I had got to Sam until he had left. When I told Jake what had happened he said: good, you are going to give the creepazoid another chance. I convinced myself that he was truly happy for me.

At last it was time for Sam to come back. I kept calling him, but every time I did his answering machine would turn on:

"Hey guys this is Sam. I'm off to Boston for some chores. I will be back soon. Leave your god damn message after the beep"

The answering message beeped.

I hung up. I didn't have any message for him. I could hear the silence, the answering machine was recording my silent message. I suddenly felt my relationship with Sam was like that silence...hollow. And I desperately needed Sam to fill the gap. I needed him.
The phone rang immediately after I kept the receiver down.

"Sam?" I said. There was no answer. "Hello?"

"H-e-l-l-o?" the speaker said.

For a second my heart stopped, chemicals were rushing through my brain forcing my mind to think: no it is not possible. But it was.

"Adam?" I said.

"Josh...yes. It is Adam."
I was dumbstruck.

"Josh. Are you free now? I want to see you."

"Sure. You know my address?" I said. The words were coming with pauses in between them.

"Yes, I got it from your mom. I will be there in half an hour. See you then." he said.
And he hung up.

I slowly replaced the receiver. I sat down with a thud on the couch near the phone line.

Why was he calling me? After all that happened between us? Why would he want to see me? Just then Jake came out of his room, all dressed up.

"Josh. I'm going out with Jenny. Will be back at 11. Okay? Josh? JOSH?"

"Uhuh? Okay.. okay..."

"Are you okay? Hello?"

"Yeah. Jake I'm okay. You go on."

I heard the door slam. The sound was echoing in my brain. It brought back memories. Adam had slammed the door just like that. It was all coming back to me.

Adam lived in the same street as I did. We first met when we were three years old. And I don't remember anything about our first meeting! We were the closest possible friends. We went to the same school, played the same games, went to movies, hanged out and did mischievous things all the time. He was someone I trusted with all my problems, he was my best friend.

And one day he left me telling me that he never wanted to see me again. He broke years of friendship in a span of thirty seconds. It all happened the day I came out to him. I remember what had happened so well. It was like a movie I had just seen, I knew each and every scene, each dialogue and every expression on Adam's face.

It was exactly one and a half years back. We were hanging out in my room. I was showing Adam my new website. He never hid anything from me. And I always wanted to come out to him. And I picked that fateful day for it.

" website man!" Adam said.

"Yeah. It took me three weeks to make it"

"Cool. Keep updating it okay?"

"Sure. Adam..."

"Yeah?" he looked at me with that silly expression of his. Silly but lovable!

"I want to tell you something..."

"Shoot man!"


"What is new about that Josh? It will take a minimum of thirty minutes for you to tell me, that you got hooked up with a chick!"

"It won't be a chick," I said softly. I was no longer looking at him. I was looking at my computer monitor.


"It will be a boy"

He paused for awhile, digesting what I had said.

"Jesus! Are you freaking gay Josh?"

"I guess I'm Adam. I'm gay" I said softly.

I had done it. Now it was his act. He can turn hysterical or be calm and composed. He chose the former.

"Fuck man..." was all that he said. He stood up and walked around the room. I was still looking at my monitor not knowing whether I should say something. He did me a favor and started speaking.

"How long...?"

"It has almost been three years now Adam" I said looking at him. His face was now full of confusion.

"So you are gay..."

"Yes" I said.

"Tell me something...Josh..."


"All these years, have you...have you...been...sexually attracted to ME?"

I had to tell Adam the truth. But what would the truth lead to? How could I possibly tell him?

"Adam, you are my best friend. And I did everything I could not to jeopardize our friendship. But..."

"But what?"

"There have been times I couldn't help myself. I know you so well. I sometimes wondered whether..."


"I loved you."

"Fucking shit. All these years I thought of you as my good friend. And you are a gay freak who was drawn to me all the time. I can imagine how wonderful all those swimming classes gym sessions steam baths must have been for you..."

"It isn't like that Adam...listen to me...I..."

"No Josh. You listen to me," he said, "I cannot be a friend to you anymore. It is incredibly creepy for me, now that I know you are gay and that you are attracted to me."


"Josh. I love you as a friend. But today everything has changed. I don't want to see you anymore. I'm sorry"

"Adam! Please listen to me..." I cried. He was already gone. I broke off. I wept furiously.

Wasn't it obvious he would react this way if I had told him I was gay? I was an asshole who told his best friend that he was gay and had a crush on his buddy, at the same time. What was I thinking? That all men were born gay?

Now one and a half years later why the heck would he want to see me? Getting over him was the hardest thing I had ever done.

The door bell rang.

My heart was again beating fast. I thought I will never see Adam again in my life. It was like a dream...not a dream...a nightmare. I was not walking, but crawling towards the door, taking as much time as possible. Maybe I was hoping I would wake up and the nightmare would end. The bell rang again. I opened the door.

"Hi Josh...!"


" name is Sam, if you don't remember! You look as if you have seen a ghost. Are you still angry with me baby?"

"Come in..." I said, not bothering to answer him.

"No. I cannot be here long. I have to report to my father's office here and give them some documents."

Thank God.

"I came to tell you I was back. And that I'm sorry for the other day. And to give you this," Sam said.

"Thanks," I said accepting a cardboard box which contained my favorite brand of chocolate.

"See you tomorrow," he said and then gave me a good bye kiss. I couldn't move my lips. I was wondering what would happen if Adam turned up right now.

He didn't. I closed the door and sat on the couch. My mind was now recollecting all the wonderful times I had spent with Adam. I had a crush on him. And I blew it! The door bell rang again. I knew this time it was Adam. Maybe I was psychic! I don't know. But it had to be Adam this time! I opened the door.


"Why are you shouting? Shouldn't I be here? I just came to take my jacket okay? I will leave!"

" It is all right. I was just expecting someone"

"You mean the creepazoid?"

"Ah...yeah." I didn't want to tell Jake about Adam. Then I would have to sit and tell him all about Adam.

"Okay...enjoy with the creep. I will not come back till 11. Hope you finish whatever you are doing by that time!"

He left. I slammed the door. Where the heck was Adam? Oh! Now I wanted him to come? Wouldn't it be great if he just didn't turn up? Maybe I dreamt the entire phone conversation. Maybe this is a weird dream. The door bell rang again.

I opened the door.


"Adam...! Come in!" I said.

The darn kid looked even more handsome now. He still had his boyish face which I loved. He had changed his hairstyle. His hair was no longer unruly. He looked as if he had grown taller than me. He no longer wore specks but light blue contact lenses! He was no longer the lean Adam I had a crush on. Adam had bulked up. I could see his muscular arms and wondered how much time he spent in the gym everyday.

"So you wear contacts?" I asked dumbly. What else could I say?

"Yeah. I'm wearing it since six months."


That was it. After that both of us kept quiet sitting on the couch. I looked at him, but he wasn't looking at me. He was looking at the apartment, our decors, but not at me.

At last he spoke up.

"You have two rooms?"

"Yeah. I live with a room mate" I wanted to stop the god damn small talk and shout: WHY THE HECK ARE YOU HERE?

To my amazement I blurted out, "What brings you here Adam?"

"Josh. I know it is weird for me to be here, especially after what happened between us."

"You have no idea how weird..."

"I ran away from home."

"You what??!?! Why the heck did you do that?"

"Because my father...he saw me..."

"He saw you?"

"Damn! Josh, my father caught me having sex with a boy in my bedroom."

"! Come again!?"

"Josh. One year after you left I realized I was no longer content with women. One night I met someone. He was the most adorable guy in the world. I don't know how it happened...but it happened so fast! Before I knew it I was taking him to my house."

I was wrong. Terribly wrong. All men were born gay.

"How was it?" I blurted out. Was that a question I really needed to ask him?

"The sex? It was the most amazing experience Josh. Most amazing."

"I see..."

"I came here to apologize to you for what I did that day. It wasn't right. Now I know how it feels to be you. I know how it feels being Josh."

" was a long time back..."

"I had hurt you Josh. And I'm so terribly sorry for that"

I didn't say anything. I knew that nothing could possibly heal the scar that he created. For the first time in my life, I was disgusted of being gay, because of him.

"So then what happened?" I asked him.

"It was weird Josh. My mother understood me. But my father ill treated me. I could no longer bear it. I moved out and started working. To my surprise I got success in my work. I got transferred here."

He was successful at such a young age! I knew that everyone in Adam's family were good in business. And I was so happy for Adam. Or was I not?

He continued, "I left him."

"You mean that guy?"



"Because I missed my family. Every time I saw him I got reminded of what happened. The look on my father's face when he caught us. It kept coming back"

I suddenly remembered that I had to still come out to my parents. Then I decided not to do it in this life!
"I'm sorry Adam"

"No Josh. I'm sorry. I really feel miserable. I make good money but I stopped seeing people after what happened."

I didn't know what to say. I had already said I'm sorry. Now what could I say? Stop cribbing, deal with your own god damn life? I don't know why I hated Adam so much deep inside.

"Josh. After I came here I wanted to see you, but I didn't have the guts to face you."

Oh...why did you get the guts god damn it?

"I'm seriously okay Adam."

"I'm in love with you Josh."

Okay...where did that come from? How could he possible dare to say something like that?


"One night I sat and thought what had happened. I remembered all our times together. I realized that I loved you, even though I was straight. You were and are such an adorable person"

Why was he flattering me?

"I don't know what to say Adam..."

"Don't say anything Josh. I love you. I know that you love me too..." he said.

He got up from the couch. He ran towards me like they show in movies. And then he kissed me. I raised my hands to stop him, but something stopped my hands from doing so. A few moments later I found myself kissing him back. I was kissing Adam! How could I stop him? I loved him for ages! He was my darling Adam, my pal, my love, my life. He stopped.

"I really love you." he said.

"Oh! Adam...I wanted you from such a long time. Why the heck did you have to realize you are gay so late?"

"But I did realize Josh. It is never too late," he said and kissed me again.

But it was too late. I had moved on. I had almost forgotten Adam. I was in love with someone else. And here I was, still smooching Adam. What the heck is happening in my life?


Adam suddenly pops into Josh's life and then kisses him! Are Josh and Adam meant to be together? What about poor Sam? What about Josh's love for Sam?

Yeah yeah! I know that I said this will be the last part, but I kept writing! LOL! If you have read this story please do write to me your suggestions/comments/criticism at It really, really, really helps me write more and write well.