Being Josh

Thanks guys for all the emails. Even a line from you helps. (although I appreciate longer mails describing your thoughts about the characters, plot and what you think will happen!) LOL.

I would like to thank my editor Greg who cut the crap from this story and made it "readable" for you.

Part IV: Moving On

"No. No...Adam. I can't do this."

Adam stopped and looked up at me, his eyes focused on mine.

"I'm...I'm with someone else Adam, it's too late for us. I'm sorry," I said. It wasn't someone else; it was Adam that I couldn't forgive.

Adam kept quiet. He stood up and turned to leave.

"Did you like him?" I asked.


"Your first?"

"Yeah. He was the most charming person I ever met" Adam sighed.

"Go back to him Adam..." I said. I had to set him up with this guy or else I'd hate myself for ever.

"No Josh. I can't..."

"It isn't fair Adam. It isn't fair to him, it isn't fair to you. Maybe he still likes you too. Maybe it wasn't just a one time thing. Why don't you give him a chance?"

He was quiet. Hell, I knew what he was thinking: "I didn't want to go back to him, because I thought I had a chance with you Josh."

" you know I'm no longer available" I said. And I felt so proud of saying that, I don't know why. "GO back to him. Believe me, it is the right thing to do. Maybe it'll work out" And I prayed to god he was still alive and single!

"I'll think about it Josh."

"Adam, trust me. Go back to him..."

"I better get going now. It is getting late."


He left. I recollected what had happened. And I thought, what the hell was happening in my life! It was getting so complicated. It was so tough being myself, being Josh. But I knew one thing; I was pushing everyone away from me, first Sam then Adam. I wondered whether I did the right thing.


"Sam, I missed you."

"I missed you too," he said and kissed me.

I had come to pay him a surprise visit at his home.

"So how was Boston?"

"Wonderful. Although I didn't have any free time."

"I figured as much."

"Josh," Sam looked at his feet and paused, "about the other night, I again want to say..."

"I'm sorry"


"No. I am sorry Sam. I should have trusted you more." I smiled

"Are you free for a movie tonight?"

"Yeah, why not?"

We both enjoyed the movie, well at least Sam did. I was more busy thinking about Adam. Thinking how it would be to run away from home and start a new life. Suddenly I remembered what Sam had said. Fuck you Josh. What the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah you do that you bastard. I'm getting fucking crazy over here! was just a bump in our relationship and nothing more, I consoled myself.

When I came back home Jake wasn't there. I so wanted to see him, ask him something that was killing me. After two hours of waiting and walking around the house, Jake had come.


"Why do you keep shouting these days?"

"I'm so happy to see you!"

"Why? What happened?"

"I wanted to ask you something important..."

"Like always. It is always about josh! It is always About josh's life and his problems. I'm not your Therapist! Get off my back!" he said.

He exited to his room and slammed the door behind him.

A pang of guilt struck me. He was so right. I was taking advantage of Jake at every turn. I hardly spent any time at all with him anymore. It didn't even strike me that he has his own problems to deal with. Like usual, tears started coming out of my eyes. When did I become so insensitive?

A few minutes later the door to Jake's room creaked. Jake came out with a sullen face. He saw me. I wiped my tears and didn't bother to look at him.

"Josh...I'm sorry...I took my anger out on you" he said.

"What happened?" I said after a pause.

"Well, Jen, um, she dumped me."

"What? Why?"

"I don't know. I think she is seeing someone else. She felt I'm not interesting enough" he said.

"Bitch!" I said, "Don't worry Jake. She is just one girl. And you are definitely not boring; I know that better than anyone does"

"Yeah. You are right. I don't care about that bitch. Anyway what did you want to ask me?"

"Nothing." I didn't want to trouble him, especially after what had happened to him.

"Josh!, ask me!"

"How important is sex in a relationship?" I blurted out. Well...I was desperate to know.

"Is this about Sam?"

"Yes." I replied.

"Josh, to be frank, I think you have waited long enough. You should know by now know whether he is compatible with you. Is he?"

"I think so."

"Then it's time."

"I will think about it"


"Jake...Laura is a nice girl. Maybe..."

"Nah! She isn't my type"

"Okay buddy. But it is difficult to find your `type' out there."

"I know, I know"

"I'm going to head out now" I said.


"I'm going to surprise Sam and give him what he so badly wants!"

"Whoa! Good luck dude!"


I was going to give Sam what he wanted all right. And maybe it was the right thing to do. I knew Sam; he was a sweet charming person who was a little desperate for me. I had to fight my fear and give meaning to my relationship with him.

I dressed up in my favorite tee shirt. I put a jacket on and wore dark blue jeans. I bought condoms from a vendor on the way to Sam's house. I stopped by his house and smiled at myself. I realized that I was going to have my first sexual experience. This was it, I had so badly wanted it. I had flings in the past, but not the real thing.

I knocked on the door. There was no answer. I knocked again. I used the extra key Sam gave me and opened the door.


There was no answer. Just sounds. Strange sounds. As if someone was being slammed on to the floor. It suddenly struck me that Sam could be robbed...or worse...murdered? He was rich, why couldn't it be possible? Oh my god! They were up there in his room, right now, killing him.

I ran up quickly. I reached for Sam's door and flung it open.

"OH MY GOD!" I said.

Sam was on the floor. He was naked. He was laughing. On top of him was a nude boy. Both of them looked up at me.

"Josh!!!" Sam said.

I regained my composure. I had to react quickly and not break down.

"Hey SAM! I though I'd come by and give you this" I flung the condoms I had brought on their faces, "You need them guys. After all safe sex is very important. Isn't it?"

I slammed the door. I could hear Sam's voice behind me fading away, "Josh! IT isn't what you think...JOSH! JOSH!"

I left the house and drove to our park. I sat there on the bench. I recollected what had happened. The horrid scene. Sam was naked, he was having sex with a guy...he was having sex with Adam. I don't know how Adam met Sam, but it had to be him. It had to be my best friend and my lover together. It was a coincidence that left me speechless. I was horrified. But I was angrier. I noticed that my cheeks were dry, I wasn't crying. And

I was responsible for all this! I was the one who asked Adam to go back to Sam. Adam was Sam's boy. Sam must be having many boys and he wanted me to be one of them. He was a rich and incredibly spoiled brat. He was an asshole!

I returned home trying hard not to think what had happened. But I couldn't help myself think about our first meeting. How Sam kissed me the first time. The night at the park. All that was fake! Why? Because he was obsessed with my body. He wanted my body so bad, so he lied, because he knew I wasn't his `my boy' type. He had to trick me to have me. I was in love with him and I had turned blind in love, that I couldn't even see that Sam was taking advantage of me. It all fitted in to place.

"Josh? Are you okay?" Jake asked me.


And they came out finally! It seemed as if the tears had collected up waiting for this moment to come out all at once.

"What happened?" Jake asked.

"Sam..." I said not able to speak properly.

I took a deep breath.

"I found Sam sleeping with another guy Jake..." I sobbed.

"Oh my god, that's awful..." he said.

He couldn't say anything. Perhaps he knew that nothing would comfort me now.

"I don't know what to say Josh..."

Now I knew why people called him the creepazoid.

"Look. There are many more out there. Didn't you tell me that? He is just one guy."


"No buts. Forget him.  He's not worth it, forget him Josh."

"Jake... I need to be alone..."

I went to my room. I sat on my bed and looked through the window. I could hear the noise from the traffic below. I couldn't see much through my tears. And they kept coming down endlessly.

I sat there for five minutes crying. And I was still crying. When I realized about my homosexuality I thought the most difficult problem would be finding the guys. I was wrong. The most difficult problem is finding the right guy.

I felt a hand on my shoulders. I turned up. It was Jake. He was smiling.

"Here I brought some coffee," I took it in my hands, while Jake sat on the edge of my bed.

"Josh. I know it hurts. I know it hurts really bad. And I know I can't do or say much to make you feel better. But life is a river. It cannot flow backwards. It keeps flowing till it reaches the sea. You have to keep looking forward.  You've got to go with the flow." Jake said.

I couldn't speak anything. The image of Sam and Adam together, laughing and touching each other was haunting me. I looked up and Jake was wearing a silly expression just like the one on Adam. I had never seen this expression on his face. He bent over and kissed me on my lips. I wouldn't even qualify it as a kiss...his lips just touched mine.

"OUUWWW!!!!!!" Jake shouted.

I had pored the hot coffee right on his pants.

"I'm sorry...!" I shouted. Why was I shouting?

"It is okay..." he said. He got up and straightened his pants. He then hurriedly left the room. He was running away from me.

Oh my god! Jake had just kissed me on my lips! But I had no energy to think of all the prospects. I fell off to sleep.

End Of Part Four

Oh Yeah! Now it is Jake! Josh seems to be very lucky getting so many prospects. But it is not about getting prospects, it all about finding the right one for Josh. So is Jake after all the right one? Stay tuned for more.

If you have read this story please do write to me your suggestions/comments/criticism at It really, really, really helps me write more and write well.